Celebrity Juice (2008) s17e05 Episode Script
Fred Sirieix, Andrea McLean, Bobby Norris, Patsy Palmer
1 So Holly's not here this week, so Fearne and I have agreed that you can be team captain this week.
But no funny stuff.
No finger-in-the-bum stuff, like last week.
Yeah, no shouting or getting aggy.
I don't even know what "aggy" means.
(AS GINO) "Oh, I don't want to play it! What's wrong with you?" OK, look.
I will be nice.
What have we got on the show? This is what we've got on the show.
This is good.
We've got Bobby Norris.
Oh, I like him! I like him.
And we've got lovely Patsy Palmer.
Oh, ginger beauty.
A ginger beauty.
And on your team, you've got Andrea McLean.
Andrea McLean.
You know what I mean? And of course you've got Fred Sirieix.
Why do I need to have the French c? Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new, sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is goin' on?!" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there is Holly Willo-boozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh, there is Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew! We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D, I fuckin' wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah! Rawr! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, look at you winking with your lazy eye! It's like a little penis on your eyelid! I've got an eye infection, so it looks like I'm winking at everyone.
Were you sucking your husband's penis? No.
Who's on your team? On my left, it does not get any more Essex than this, it's Bobby Norris! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, soap royalty.
It's Patsy Palmer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK.
Filling in for Holly this week, it's none other than Gino "Chefo" D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
Loving it.
Gino, who is on your team? Which one? That's my camera.
Which one are we going to do first? Left or right? Gino, you're shite, man! Who's on your team, Gino? On my left, I have the beautiful first-timer on Celebrity Juice, Andrea McDirty! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Darling, there is nothing clean about you.
You'd be the one I would do, by the way.
If I wasn't married, you are the one I would give one.
Gino, who else is on your team?! And on my right, there is a Frenchman, so there is no need to be derogatory about it.
And Fred Sirieix.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, before we go any further, I have got to give you the reason why Gino is filling in for the cap-i-tain this week.
Holly is still in rehab, and that is because she failed her urine test.
Oh, again?! Yeah.
Big shame.
Our thoughts are with her and she has sent us a letter, which is very nice of her.
I'll read it for you.
"Dear Keith, Fearne and Gino" ".
.
P.
S.
Here's a photo of me and some of my new friends.
" There you go.
There she is with her friends.
Send Holly our love.
We love you, Holly! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Get well! ErmPatsy (AS BIANCA) Biccie! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do you want a lolly? (AS BIANCA) Licky! What's this down here? Hey, fancy a (AS BIANCA) .
.
quickie?! (APPLAUSE) R-R-R-R-R-Rickayyyyy! It's Patsy Palmer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How long were you on EastEnders? On and off, for 20 years.
20 years! AUDIENCE: Whoo! We got a picture of you here back in the day.
Look at that.
(SIGHING) Look at those freckles.
I've got freckly tits.
Have you? (LAUGHTER).
Nice though, innit? It's more interesting.
I think the whole colouring, all over, is much better.
We've got a connection, haven't we? We do.
As two gingers, we could probably just be quiet and talk via our minds.
We can.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know you well enough for that business.
(LAUGHTER) Surely you would have been the envy of many a teenage girl, snogging Sid Owen back in the day when he didn't look so tired? (LAUGHTER) We've actually got a message from Sid to you.
Here it is.
Hello, Patsy.
I hope you're well, darling.
Long time, no see.
Hopefully we'll catch up soon.
Listen, enjoy the show.
Hello, Keith.
You (BLEEP)! (LAUGHTER) Enjoy Celebrity Juice.
(LAUGHTER) Cheers, Sid! (APPLAUSE) # I wanna flick her bean # If you know what I mean It's Andrea McLean (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andrea, you always look innocent, lovely, like a little Snow White.
In fact, on Loose Women, don't they call you the Snow White? They did when I first started, yeah.
But now they know you, they know that you are not Snow White? (LAUGHTER) All the quiet ones are a bit naughty, aren't they? Do you do anal sex? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Reign it the fuck in.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Whoo! When you are on Loose Women, she'll fucking eat you alive! (LAUGHTER) Can't wait.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andrea.
Yes.
You've been on Loose Women for 10 years.
Yes.
10 years! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bobby, she's fit, isn't she? I would.
You would, wouldn't you? (LAUGHTER) Thank you very much.
I'd jump bus for the night.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Gino, ask him the same question you asked Andrea.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You might get the answer you want this time.
(LAUGHTER) Bobby, do you take it up the arse? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I like to mix it up a bit.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can I ask a question? Yes.
As long as it's not an anal one.
Because I am always interested, for presenters, what was your first job? Because you did the weather.
My first job on the telly was being a weathergirl.
And are you single? (LAUGHTER) What a segue! From "what do you do?" to "are you single?" Why do you always have to do that? This is so back to front.
This is your line of questioning.
"Do you do anal?" "How did you get your job?" "Are you single?" You might want to mix things up a bit.
Maybe, "How did you get your job?" "Are you single?" then the last question.
Oh, all right.
(LAUGHTER) You're actually kidding, it's Bobby Norris! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bobby Norris sounds a bit like a stand-up comedian on Blackpool front in the '70s.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH) It's Bobby Norris! (LAUGHTER) (AS STAND-UP BOBBY NORRIS) "Take my wife, I wish someone would!" (LAUGHTER) You are the longest-running male character on TOWIE, aren't you? I am.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Not only are you one of the most popular characters in TOWIE, you have a successful line in beachwear, don't you? (LAUGHTER) Well (CHEERING) Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) What's that one called? That was the schlong thong.
The schlong thong? (LAUGHTER) How do you hold it up? Is it just with wishes? I was absolutely shitting bricks there.
But there's a tonne of tit tape down there.
So it's not a butt plug shoved up your? (LAUGHTER) Did it hurt when they peeled it off? Well, I'm quite well-groomed.
(LAUGHTER) We can see how well-groomed you are in this next photo.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't know what to say.
The wings, though.
The wings are brilliant with that.
(LAUGHTER) Zoom in so we can see the mechanics of how it works.
(LAUGHTER) Even your penis looks upset about wearing it.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have moved it on a little bit.
You're all space age with it now, haven't you? Well, I try to evolve.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my! Wow! It looks like a baked potato! (LAUGHTER) Don't pretend you don't know what this is all about.
Oh, yeah.
I've seen you wearing one of these! Yeah! All over it (!) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I love it.
Bobby, has anyone ever told you that you look like Gok Wan? Yeah, a couple of people.
Let's see how similar you look.
Here's a picture.
Imagine if someone gave you a chance to win some points for your team by putting pictures of you amongst pictures of Gok Wan.
Could you tell the difference between you and Gok Wan? Absolutely yes.
Oh, yes.
I'm going to show you a clip, a little VT, which stands for videotape.
I want you to count how many there is of you.
Get it right, you win a point, yeah? Get it wrong, Gino's team will get the point.
Run VT.
Sweet Gok and Bobby.
How many times did you see yourself? I thought it was 14.
If you get it within three, we'll give you the point.
Count the Bobbys.
32.
There were 35.
It's a point for your team! (CHEERING) What? What's going on? They've got some footage of Holly.
Oh, no.
So we're going to the rehab centre.
It doesn't sound like good news.
Let's go live now.
What's she doing? Escaping? Oh, no, Holly! Do the right thing, what are you doing? Oh, she's drinking again.
What's she doing? She's pissed as a Hopefully, she'll just go back and be all right.
Sort herself out.
I tell you what, tournez a gauche, tournez a droite, et quel age as-tu? Baguette, baguette, frog's legs, it's Fred Silly-sex! Fred, welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you very much.
Are you well? Yes, very good.
I tell you what, before we Let's get all the French talk out of the way.
I've always wondered what does 'hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh' mean? (LAUGHTER) That's it.
What? Oh-mm.
(LAUGHTER) What is it, when you get caught wanking by your mum? She walks in, you go, 'hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh'.
It says here you do 300 sit-ups a day.
Yeah.
You like to keep fit? Yeah.
We've got a picture of your six pack here.
(WHOOPING) Gino, have you got a six-pack? (LAUGHTER) No, I've got one pack and it works really well.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Well, now it's time to play one of my favourite games on Celebrity Juice.
So let's play: Hello, welcome to 5 Second Fool.
It's one question, three answers, five seconds.
They will be doing it in the wobbly chair, of course, cos it's 5 Second Fool extreme.
First up to play is Bobby Norris.
Right, I'm going to switch it on.
Ready? Oh, I like it.
Ooh.
Do I hold on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you ready? (LAUGHTER) Bobby, three things you can wipe.
Arse, nose, mouth.
Correct.
Three places you shouldn't fart.
Church, aeroplane, school.
(APPLAUSE) That's it, you've got it now, haven't you? (LAUGHTER) Three things that are hard.
Hard-boiled eggs, knobs, er Sudoku! Bobby Norris, everyone.
Next up, it's Andrea McLean.
How am I going to sit in that? Don't do the leg in the air move.
(BOOING) Thank you very much.
Fucking perverts.
(LAUGHTER) Don't tuck it in, I'm good.
I can Be careful, you're going to hurt yourself.
Really? Shall I turn you on? I'll turn you on.
You ready? Yeah.
Oh, my good lord.
Right.
Ooh! OK, go quick.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
(LAUGHS) Turn round, we can't see you, you're on telly.
Turn round.
You're on telly.
Three types of weather.
Stormy, cloudy, sunny, windy, rainy, snowy.
Give me three noises Janet Street Porter might make.
Aww gawwd! Piss off! No, I'm not doing it.
Three Caribbean phrases.
Peas and rice.
Oh Ting and ting! Andrea McLean, everyone.
Next up - Rickayy! - it's Patsy Palmer.
Oh, my God, that is quite scary.
At least you've got jeans on.
Oh, my God.
Ready? Oops.
Enjoy yourself.
You like it, you like it! Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Three things that make you sweat.
Aerobic, running and erm Leonardo DiCaprio.
Three things you can smell in the East End.
Cockles, musselserm Apples and pears.
You can smell stairs.
Three words that rhyme with 'ginge'.
Minge! (LAUGHTER) That's it, that's it.
Patsy Palmer, everybody.
The scores at the end of that round areshating! We're going to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Pat Butcher is in a right stinking mood! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! As you can see, I'm stood outside the famous TV and film studios, Elstree.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) To play The Box Game, sponsored by Boxes, in association with EastEnders, in homage to Bianca Patsy Palmer.
OK, here are the rules.
You will go down the ramp, past the market stall.
Then you will avoid Phil Mitchell who is very drunk at the moment.
Past Arthur Fowler's commemorative bench.
Oh, rest in peace, Arthur! Which is being guarded by Wellard.
Then you will go into the studio.
The first full team past the finishing line will win a point for your team.
Capiche? ALL: Capiche! Are you excited, Fred? Oui, oui! Mais oui! That's French for yes.
Are you living the dream? I am loving it.
I love it.
She's fuckin' buzzin', man! Bobby.
You've probably been in the box before.
(CACKLES) Once or twice, babe.
Are you enjoying it in the box? I'm as happy as a dog with two dicks, Keith.
OK, you will go when I shout out Bianca's catchphrase.
Are you ready? ALL: Yes! Three, two, one Rickaaaay! Off they go.
Who is in the lead? Bianca.
Not Bianca, Patsy.
Patsy is way in the back there.
Oh, fuck! Bobby is straight past Phil Mitchell, into the puke.
You dirty Ugh! He is in a right mood! Shit! What the fuck was that? Straight past Wellard and the commemorative Arthur Fowler bench.
CROWD: Gino, Gino, Gino! Oh! Bobby! You're going the wrong way.
This way.
This way.
Look at Fearne! # EASTENDERS THEME Oh, no! It's Pat Butcher! Pat Butcher! She is in a right stinking mood.
Pat, leave her alone! Bobby is coming in.
Look, Bobby is coming in now.
I can't believe it! I can't believe it! Bobby is coming in now.
He's got to go up the ramp, past the finishing line.
CROWD: Bobby, Bobby, Bobby! There he goes.
There he goes.
Up the ramp.
Cross the finishing line.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, well done.
Fred, up the ramp.
Up the ramp.
Up the ramp.
There's Andrea.
What are you? What are you?! (SCREAMS) Gino's coming.
CROWD: Gino, Gino, Gino! Patsy's being aided by Pat Butcher.
What way? This way? Oh! It's close! It's between Fearne and Gino.
Fearne is going straight for the ramp now! Past the finishing line.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, you're watching ITV2, Celebrity Juice with Pat Butcher, Wellard and Patsy Palmer! Yes! CROWD: Gino, Gino! Gino's past the line.
Are we here? And the point goes to Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Patsy.
Patsy.
I didn't know where I was.
Patsy, it's been over for about an hour.
That was so weird.
It was like a bad dream.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So weird.
How did you all get in so fast? And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andrea.
What I've always wanted to know erm When you do Loose Women, is it OK sorry.
What's that? We've just heard that Holly's been seen in a local boozer.
Oh, there she is.
There she is, she has walked into the local boozer.
She is downing the shots.
Oh, no, no.
She's off the wagon.
It's so sad, innit? Cos she was nearly there.
It is.
I blame Philip.
It is, innit? Those afternoon drinks.
Yeah, yeah.
What? What's going on now? She is doing what? She is drinking a yard of ale.
She is just showing off in front of those guys.
She'll be wanking them off next.
I know, yeah.
Gino, you've just started your tour, Gino's Italian Escape.
What's the message? What message? What do you mean? What's the message of the tour? The tour is, I go and tour around the country, 18 dates.
What do you do, though? What is the tour? I don't get it.
I cook in front of a live audience.
Thousands of people.
Thousands (?) And then I bring them to cook with me.
Do you have, like, a warmup for your tour, like Ainslie Harriet does a bit of cooking first? No, we (LAUGHS) No, we have a warmup act, his name is Stuart.
Fred, will you go and see Gino on tour? Oh, I would love to see him.
It would be fascinating.
Cooking pasta, you know, making ravioli.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, we played Battle Chips.
Did you see Battle Chips, anyone? I was the champ of Battle Chips.
You was the champ of Battle Chips because you're very good with your nostrils.
Very.
Skilled.
Well, we're gonna play Battle Chips again, but in honour of Fred here, we've renamed it Les Battle Frites.
'Allo! Je m'appelle Keith.
Bienvenue tu Les Battle Frites.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) This game is so simple but first of all, let me welcome the challenges.
First up is the reigning champion, Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And she will be going against Fred Sirisex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fred, do you like what we have done with the set, oui-oui? Oui, oui! Why does he get so much attention with all this French idiotic costume? It's Napoleon! Napoleon! But he's just He's just a guest! Gino.
You said you were going to be nice.
Just chill out.
I am nice! It's a guest! He's our guest! And the logo is wrong.
The logo is wrong.
You said Battle Frites.
You couldn't even be bothered to change it.
It says Battle Chips.
You are being such a little brat this week.
You dress up like a twat every week! Just chill out.
(CACKLES) You just got burnt by a sister! How are you going to play this game, with Jack potatoes? CROWD: Ooh! She is the reigning champion.
Check this.
She is the reigning champion.
It's going to be an amazing battle.
They are called jacket potatoes, not Jack potatoes.
You are protecting the chips up your nose while trying to get your opponent's chips.
Hands behind the back, in the circle.
You mustn't leave the circle.
I have picked quite a wide chip.
It's like wrestling.
I can't use my stomach? Oh, that is quite a wide chip.
Fred, put the frites up there.
Very, very wide.
Right, you will go on le klaxon.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I am going to take your hat off because it is unfair advantage.
Exactly.
I give it back after the show.
Is nice.
On the klaxon.
Yep, yep.
Un, deux, trois (KLAXON) Tres bon! Hands behind the back.
Oh, there's one! She's got one.
They are like two walruses.
In the circle.
Oh! Oh! It's one each, it's one each.
Come on, Fearne.
Oh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going to an ad break now.
I'm off for a poo, I'll see you in two.
Coming up after t'break Oh, no.
Oh! She's so cock-hungry.
Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! All to play for.
It's the final round, it's the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? (IMITATING BIANCA) 'Ricky, I fucking love you'.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? (IMITATING GINO) 'Fred is the greatest man in the world'.
Fred is the greatest man in the world.
According to reports, how does Adam Woodyat plan to earn 130,000 grand in just four weeks? (BUZZER) 'Ricky! You look so fucking tired'.
Doing the same part as Steve McFadden, not in the same theatre, but I think they are both being Captain Hook in panto.
That's correct.
What is the best way to sit on a sofa? (BUZZER) 'Ricky! Give me some of that factor 50.
I'm burning up, you fucker!' We've got some options for you.
Is it this way, or is it this way? Or is it this way? FEARNE: Definitely B.
Oh, you labelled them with letters? Yeah, B.
Seems very cazj.
In what with people sitting on sofas every time we do this? People just decide to have a rest, Gino.
And take a picture and send it here? It's always sofa as well, weirdly.
Andrea, what is the best way? It is C, actually.
What a shame.
Oh, no.
You got it wrong.
What did Prince William give Victoria Beckham this week? (BUZZER) 'Fred is the best at sex.
He's fantastico.
' Gino's team.
Can you give a lady a knighthood? Yeah, it's an OBE.
I think he should have given her a knighthood, just to piss David Beckham off.
Apparently, yes, we do have some footage of Holly.
What is she doing? Oh, no.
She is so cock hungry.
So cock hungry.
She just can't stop herself.
You would never think that that is Holly Willoughby from daytime TV, but this is the real Holly that we know here at Celebrity Juice.
What is she up to now? What is she doing? She is eating pisscakes.
I'm going to have a chat because this is a new low.
Look at the state of it.
Pure love goes out to you.
We hope you get your life back on track and come back next week.
What is the best way to sit on a sofa? (BUZZER) 'Fred has got a bigger penis than me! It's fantastic and smooth!' Gino's team buzzed in but I didn't give you the options.
Here's the options, Gino.
What is it, this way? Is it this way? Same sofa.
Or is it this way? What is the best way to sit on a sofa.
A, B or C? I hope it is C.
Patsy, is it C? I don't even know what's going on right now.
I'm really weirded out about the sofa that we have both been sitting on.
25 years ago.
What is the best way to sit on the sofa? Is it A, B or C? Oh, A.
Sorry, Gino's team.
It was A.
Who is this immortalised in salad? (BUZZER) 'Ricky!' Salad? Salad? I wish it was fucking salad.
That is brilliant.
Who is this immortalised in sand? (BUZZER) 'Fred is fantastico!' Gino's team.
Ruth and Eamonn.
That is correct.
FEARNE: Really? Buzz in when you think Patsy Palmer's hair stops.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (BUZZER) 'Ricky! Fucking drumsticks!' Let's have a look.
Let's see how close you are.
Oh, my God.
Is that real? A point to Gino's team.
She got it wrong.
(KLAXON) That is the end of the buzzer round.
That is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team tonight is Oh, it's very close, very close.
Patsy, I hope you've had a lovely time because you haven't won tonight! It's Gino's team! (AUDIENCE CHANTING 'GINO, GINO') It's Gino time! I was Keith Lemon and if I don't see you for a week, I will see you at 10 o'clock next week.
All the best.
Let's dance! # LITTLE MIX: Touch
But no funny stuff.
No finger-in-the-bum stuff, like last week.
Yeah, no shouting or getting aggy.
I don't even know what "aggy" means.
(AS GINO) "Oh, I don't want to play it! What's wrong with you?" OK, look.
I will be nice.
What have we got on the show? This is what we've got on the show.
This is good.
We've got Bobby Norris.
Oh, I like him! I like him.
And we've got lovely Patsy Palmer.
Oh, ginger beauty.
A ginger beauty.
And on your team, you've got Andrea McLean.
Andrea McLean.
You know what I mean? And of course you've got Fred Sirieix.
Why do I need to have the French c? Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new, sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is goin' on?!" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there is Holly Willo-boozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh, there is Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew! We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D, I fuckin' wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah! Rawr! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, look at you winking with your lazy eye! It's like a little penis on your eyelid! I've got an eye infection, so it looks like I'm winking at everyone.
Were you sucking your husband's penis? No.
Who's on your team? On my left, it does not get any more Essex than this, it's Bobby Norris! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, soap royalty.
It's Patsy Palmer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK.
Filling in for Holly this week, it's none other than Gino "Chefo" D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
Loving it.
Gino, who is on your team? Which one? That's my camera.
Which one are we going to do first? Left or right? Gino, you're shite, man! Who's on your team, Gino? On my left, I have the beautiful first-timer on Celebrity Juice, Andrea McDirty! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Darling, there is nothing clean about you.
You'd be the one I would do, by the way.
If I wasn't married, you are the one I would give one.
Gino, who else is on your team?! And on my right, there is a Frenchman, so there is no need to be derogatory about it.
And Fred Sirieix.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, before we go any further, I have got to give you the reason why Gino is filling in for the cap-i-tain this week.
Holly is still in rehab, and that is because she failed her urine test.
Oh, again?! Yeah.
Big shame.
Our thoughts are with her and she has sent us a letter, which is very nice of her.
I'll read it for you.
"Dear Keith, Fearne and Gino" ".
.
P.
S.
Here's a photo of me and some of my new friends.
" There you go.
There she is with her friends.
Send Holly our love.
We love you, Holly! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Get well! ErmPatsy (AS BIANCA) Biccie! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do you want a lolly? (AS BIANCA) Licky! What's this down here? Hey, fancy a (AS BIANCA) .
.
quickie?! (APPLAUSE) R-R-R-R-R-Rickayyyyy! It's Patsy Palmer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How long were you on EastEnders? On and off, for 20 years.
20 years! AUDIENCE: Whoo! We got a picture of you here back in the day.
Look at that.
(SIGHING) Look at those freckles.
I've got freckly tits.
Have you? (LAUGHTER).
Nice though, innit? It's more interesting.
I think the whole colouring, all over, is much better.
We've got a connection, haven't we? We do.
As two gingers, we could probably just be quiet and talk via our minds.
We can.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know you well enough for that business.
(LAUGHTER) Surely you would have been the envy of many a teenage girl, snogging Sid Owen back in the day when he didn't look so tired? (LAUGHTER) We've actually got a message from Sid to you.
Here it is.
Hello, Patsy.
I hope you're well, darling.
Long time, no see.
Hopefully we'll catch up soon.
Listen, enjoy the show.
Hello, Keith.
You (BLEEP)! (LAUGHTER) Enjoy Celebrity Juice.
(LAUGHTER) Cheers, Sid! (APPLAUSE) # I wanna flick her bean # If you know what I mean It's Andrea McLean (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andrea, you always look innocent, lovely, like a little Snow White.
In fact, on Loose Women, don't they call you the Snow White? They did when I first started, yeah.
But now they know you, they know that you are not Snow White? (LAUGHTER) All the quiet ones are a bit naughty, aren't they? Do you do anal sex? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Reign it the fuck in.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Whoo! When you are on Loose Women, she'll fucking eat you alive! (LAUGHTER) Can't wait.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andrea.
Yes.
You've been on Loose Women for 10 years.
Yes.
10 years! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bobby, she's fit, isn't she? I would.
You would, wouldn't you? (LAUGHTER) Thank you very much.
I'd jump bus for the night.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Gino, ask him the same question you asked Andrea.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You might get the answer you want this time.
(LAUGHTER) Bobby, do you take it up the arse? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I like to mix it up a bit.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can I ask a question? Yes.
As long as it's not an anal one.
Because I am always interested, for presenters, what was your first job? Because you did the weather.
My first job on the telly was being a weathergirl.
And are you single? (LAUGHTER) What a segue! From "what do you do?" to "are you single?" Why do you always have to do that? This is so back to front.
This is your line of questioning.
"Do you do anal?" "How did you get your job?" "Are you single?" You might want to mix things up a bit.
Maybe, "How did you get your job?" "Are you single?" then the last question.
Oh, all right.
(LAUGHTER) You're actually kidding, it's Bobby Norris! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bobby Norris sounds a bit like a stand-up comedian on Blackpool front in the '70s.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH) It's Bobby Norris! (LAUGHTER) (AS STAND-UP BOBBY NORRIS) "Take my wife, I wish someone would!" (LAUGHTER) You are the longest-running male character on TOWIE, aren't you? I am.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Not only are you one of the most popular characters in TOWIE, you have a successful line in beachwear, don't you? (LAUGHTER) Well (CHEERING) Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) What's that one called? That was the schlong thong.
The schlong thong? (LAUGHTER) How do you hold it up? Is it just with wishes? I was absolutely shitting bricks there.
But there's a tonne of tit tape down there.
So it's not a butt plug shoved up your? (LAUGHTER) Did it hurt when they peeled it off? Well, I'm quite well-groomed.
(LAUGHTER) We can see how well-groomed you are in this next photo.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't know what to say.
The wings, though.
The wings are brilliant with that.
(LAUGHTER) Zoom in so we can see the mechanics of how it works.
(LAUGHTER) Even your penis looks upset about wearing it.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have moved it on a little bit.
You're all space age with it now, haven't you? Well, I try to evolve.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my! Wow! It looks like a baked potato! (LAUGHTER) Don't pretend you don't know what this is all about.
Oh, yeah.
I've seen you wearing one of these! Yeah! All over it (!) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I love it.
Bobby, has anyone ever told you that you look like Gok Wan? Yeah, a couple of people.
Let's see how similar you look.
Here's a picture.
Imagine if someone gave you a chance to win some points for your team by putting pictures of you amongst pictures of Gok Wan.
Could you tell the difference between you and Gok Wan? Absolutely yes.
Oh, yes.
I'm going to show you a clip, a little VT, which stands for videotape.
I want you to count how many there is of you.
Get it right, you win a point, yeah? Get it wrong, Gino's team will get the point.
Run VT.
Sweet Gok and Bobby.
How many times did you see yourself? I thought it was 14.
If you get it within three, we'll give you the point.
Count the Bobbys.
32.
There were 35.
It's a point for your team! (CHEERING) What? What's going on? They've got some footage of Holly.
Oh, no.
So we're going to the rehab centre.
It doesn't sound like good news.
Let's go live now.
What's she doing? Escaping? Oh, no, Holly! Do the right thing, what are you doing? Oh, she's drinking again.
What's she doing? She's pissed as a Hopefully, she'll just go back and be all right.
Sort herself out.
I tell you what, tournez a gauche, tournez a droite, et quel age as-tu? Baguette, baguette, frog's legs, it's Fred Silly-sex! Fred, welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you very much.
Are you well? Yes, very good.
I tell you what, before we Let's get all the French talk out of the way.
I've always wondered what does 'hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh' mean? (LAUGHTER) That's it.
What? Oh-mm.
(LAUGHTER) What is it, when you get caught wanking by your mum? She walks in, you go, 'hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh'.
It says here you do 300 sit-ups a day.
Yeah.
You like to keep fit? Yeah.
We've got a picture of your six pack here.
(WHOOPING) Gino, have you got a six-pack? (LAUGHTER) No, I've got one pack and it works really well.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Well, now it's time to play one of my favourite games on Celebrity Juice.
So let's play: Hello, welcome to 5 Second Fool.
It's one question, three answers, five seconds.
They will be doing it in the wobbly chair, of course, cos it's 5 Second Fool extreme.
First up to play is Bobby Norris.
Right, I'm going to switch it on.
Ready? Oh, I like it.
Ooh.
Do I hold on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you ready? (LAUGHTER) Bobby, three things you can wipe.
Arse, nose, mouth.
Correct.
Three places you shouldn't fart.
Church, aeroplane, school.
(APPLAUSE) That's it, you've got it now, haven't you? (LAUGHTER) Three things that are hard.
Hard-boiled eggs, knobs, er Sudoku! Bobby Norris, everyone.
Next up, it's Andrea McLean.
How am I going to sit in that? Don't do the leg in the air move.
(BOOING) Thank you very much.
Fucking perverts.
(LAUGHTER) Don't tuck it in, I'm good.
I can Be careful, you're going to hurt yourself.
Really? Shall I turn you on? I'll turn you on.
You ready? Yeah.
Oh, my good lord.
Right.
Ooh! OK, go quick.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
(LAUGHS) Turn round, we can't see you, you're on telly.
Turn round.
You're on telly.
Three types of weather.
Stormy, cloudy, sunny, windy, rainy, snowy.
Give me three noises Janet Street Porter might make.
Aww gawwd! Piss off! No, I'm not doing it.
Three Caribbean phrases.
Peas and rice.
Oh Ting and ting! Andrea McLean, everyone.
Next up - Rickayy! - it's Patsy Palmer.
Oh, my God, that is quite scary.
At least you've got jeans on.
Oh, my God.
Ready? Oops.
Enjoy yourself.
You like it, you like it! Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Three things that make you sweat.
Aerobic, running and erm Leonardo DiCaprio.
Three things you can smell in the East End.
Cockles, musselserm Apples and pears.
You can smell stairs.
Three words that rhyme with 'ginge'.
Minge! (LAUGHTER) That's it, that's it.
Patsy Palmer, everybody.
The scores at the end of that round areshating! We're going to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Pat Butcher is in a right stinking mood! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! As you can see, I'm stood outside the famous TV and film studios, Elstree.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) To play The Box Game, sponsored by Boxes, in association with EastEnders, in homage to Bianca Patsy Palmer.
OK, here are the rules.
You will go down the ramp, past the market stall.
Then you will avoid Phil Mitchell who is very drunk at the moment.
Past Arthur Fowler's commemorative bench.
Oh, rest in peace, Arthur! Which is being guarded by Wellard.
Then you will go into the studio.
The first full team past the finishing line will win a point for your team.
Capiche? ALL: Capiche! Are you excited, Fred? Oui, oui! Mais oui! That's French for yes.
Are you living the dream? I am loving it.
I love it.
She's fuckin' buzzin', man! Bobby.
You've probably been in the box before.
(CACKLES) Once or twice, babe.
Are you enjoying it in the box? I'm as happy as a dog with two dicks, Keith.
OK, you will go when I shout out Bianca's catchphrase.
Are you ready? ALL: Yes! Three, two, one Rickaaaay! Off they go.
Who is in the lead? Bianca.
Not Bianca, Patsy.
Patsy is way in the back there.
Oh, fuck! Bobby is straight past Phil Mitchell, into the puke.
You dirty Ugh! He is in a right mood! Shit! What the fuck was that? Straight past Wellard and the commemorative Arthur Fowler bench.
CROWD: Gino, Gino, Gino! Oh! Bobby! You're going the wrong way.
This way.
This way.
Look at Fearne! # EASTENDERS THEME Oh, no! It's Pat Butcher! Pat Butcher! She is in a right stinking mood.
Pat, leave her alone! Bobby is coming in.
Look, Bobby is coming in now.
I can't believe it! I can't believe it! Bobby is coming in now.
He's got to go up the ramp, past the finishing line.
CROWD: Bobby, Bobby, Bobby! There he goes.
There he goes.
Up the ramp.
Cross the finishing line.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, well done.
Fred, up the ramp.
Up the ramp.
Up the ramp.
There's Andrea.
What are you? What are you?! (SCREAMS) Gino's coming.
CROWD: Gino, Gino, Gino! Patsy's being aided by Pat Butcher.
What way? This way? Oh! It's close! It's between Fearne and Gino.
Fearne is going straight for the ramp now! Past the finishing line.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, you're watching ITV2, Celebrity Juice with Pat Butcher, Wellard and Patsy Palmer! Yes! CROWD: Gino, Gino! Gino's past the line.
Are we here? And the point goes to Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Patsy.
Patsy.
I didn't know where I was.
Patsy, it's been over for about an hour.
That was so weird.
It was like a bad dream.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So weird.
How did you all get in so fast? And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andrea.
What I've always wanted to know erm When you do Loose Women, is it OK sorry.
What's that? We've just heard that Holly's been seen in a local boozer.
Oh, there she is.
There she is, she has walked into the local boozer.
She is downing the shots.
Oh, no, no.
She's off the wagon.
It's so sad, innit? Cos she was nearly there.
It is.
I blame Philip.
It is, innit? Those afternoon drinks.
Yeah, yeah.
What? What's going on now? She is doing what? She is drinking a yard of ale.
She is just showing off in front of those guys.
She'll be wanking them off next.
I know, yeah.
Gino, you've just started your tour, Gino's Italian Escape.
What's the message? What message? What do you mean? What's the message of the tour? The tour is, I go and tour around the country, 18 dates.
What do you do, though? What is the tour? I don't get it.
I cook in front of a live audience.
Thousands of people.
Thousands (?) And then I bring them to cook with me.
Do you have, like, a warmup for your tour, like Ainslie Harriet does a bit of cooking first? No, we (LAUGHS) No, we have a warmup act, his name is Stuart.
Fred, will you go and see Gino on tour? Oh, I would love to see him.
It would be fascinating.
Cooking pasta, you know, making ravioli.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, we played Battle Chips.
Did you see Battle Chips, anyone? I was the champ of Battle Chips.
You was the champ of Battle Chips because you're very good with your nostrils.
Very.
Skilled.
Well, we're gonna play Battle Chips again, but in honour of Fred here, we've renamed it Les Battle Frites.
'Allo! Je m'appelle Keith.
Bienvenue tu Les Battle Frites.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) This game is so simple but first of all, let me welcome the challenges.
First up is the reigning champion, Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And she will be going against Fred Sirisex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fred, do you like what we have done with the set, oui-oui? Oui, oui! Why does he get so much attention with all this French idiotic costume? It's Napoleon! Napoleon! But he's just He's just a guest! Gino.
You said you were going to be nice.
Just chill out.
I am nice! It's a guest! He's our guest! And the logo is wrong.
The logo is wrong.
You said Battle Frites.
You couldn't even be bothered to change it.
It says Battle Chips.
You are being such a little brat this week.
You dress up like a twat every week! Just chill out.
(CACKLES) You just got burnt by a sister! How are you going to play this game, with Jack potatoes? CROWD: Ooh! She is the reigning champion.
Check this.
She is the reigning champion.
It's going to be an amazing battle.
They are called jacket potatoes, not Jack potatoes.
You are protecting the chips up your nose while trying to get your opponent's chips.
Hands behind the back, in the circle.
You mustn't leave the circle.
I have picked quite a wide chip.
It's like wrestling.
I can't use my stomach? Oh, that is quite a wide chip.
Fred, put the frites up there.
Very, very wide.
Right, you will go on le klaxon.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I am going to take your hat off because it is unfair advantage.
Exactly.
I give it back after the show.
Is nice.
On the klaxon.
Yep, yep.
Un, deux, trois (KLAXON) Tres bon! Hands behind the back.
Oh, there's one! She's got one.
They are like two walruses.
In the circle.
Oh! Oh! It's one each, it's one each.
Come on, Fearne.
Oh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going to an ad break now.
I'm off for a poo, I'll see you in two.
Coming up after t'break Oh, no.
Oh! She's so cock-hungry.
Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! All to play for.
It's the final round, it's the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? (IMITATING BIANCA) 'Ricky, I fucking love you'.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? (IMITATING GINO) 'Fred is the greatest man in the world'.
Fred is the greatest man in the world.
According to reports, how does Adam Woodyat plan to earn 130,000 grand in just four weeks? (BUZZER) 'Ricky! You look so fucking tired'.
Doing the same part as Steve McFadden, not in the same theatre, but I think they are both being Captain Hook in panto.
That's correct.
What is the best way to sit on a sofa? (BUZZER) 'Ricky! Give me some of that factor 50.
I'm burning up, you fucker!' We've got some options for you.
Is it this way, or is it this way? Or is it this way? FEARNE: Definitely B.
Oh, you labelled them with letters? Yeah, B.
Seems very cazj.
In what with people sitting on sofas every time we do this? People just decide to have a rest, Gino.
And take a picture and send it here? It's always sofa as well, weirdly.
Andrea, what is the best way? It is C, actually.
What a shame.
Oh, no.
You got it wrong.
What did Prince William give Victoria Beckham this week? (BUZZER) 'Fred is the best at sex.
He's fantastico.
' Gino's team.
Can you give a lady a knighthood? Yeah, it's an OBE.
I think he should have given her a knighthood, just to piss David Beckham off.
Apparently, yes, we do have some footage of Holly.
What is she doing? Oh, no.
She is so cock hungry.
So cock hungry.
She just can't stop herself.
You would never think that that is Holly Willoughby from daytime TV, but this is the real Holly that we know here at Celebrity Juice.
What is she up to now? What is she doing? She is eating pisscakes.
I'm going to have a chat because this is a new low.
Look at the state of it.
Pure love goes out to you.
We hope you get your life back on track and come back next week.
What is the best way to sit on a sofa? (BUZZER) 'Fred has got a bigger penis than me! It's fantastic and smooth!' Gino's team buzzed in but I didn't give you the options.
Here's the options, Gino.
What is it, this way? Is it this way? Same sofa.
Or is it this way? What is the best way to sit on a sofa.
A, B or C? I hope it is C.
Patsy, is it C? I don't even know what's going on right now.
I'm really weirded out about the sofa that we have both been sitting on.
25 years ago.
What is the best way to sit on the sofa? Is it A, B or C? Oh, A.
Sorry, Gino's team.
It was A.
Who is this immortalised in salad? (BUZZER) 'Ricky!' Salad? Salad? I wish it was fucking salad.
That is brilliant.
Who is this immortalised in sand? (BUZZER) 'Fred is fantastico!' Gino's team.
Ruth and Eamonn.
That is correct.
FEARNE: Really? Buzz in when you think Patsy Palmer's hair stops.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (BUZZER) 'Ricky! Fucking drumsticks!' Let's have a look.
Let's see how close you are.
Oh, my God.
Is that real? A point to Gino's team.
She got it wrong.
(KLAXON) That is the end of the buzzer round.
That is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team tonight is Oh, it's very close, very close.
Patsy, I hope you've had a lovely time because you haven't won tonight! It's Gino's team! (AUDIENCE CHANTING 'GINO, GINO') It's Gino time! I was Keith Lemon and if I don't see you for a week, I will see you at 10 o'clock next week.
All the best.
Let's dance! # LITTLE MIX: Touch