Live at The Apollo (2004) s17e05 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight, Geoff Norcott!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Hammersmith Apollo!
Wow, what a lovely welcome.
It's good to be back.
Is everyone feeling good?
CHEERING
We've got two fantastic comedians
for you in this show.
By the way, if you haven't
seen me before, I am the host.
I don't look like a comedian, do I?
Let's be honest.
I look like an electrician
just wandered on stage.
If I just come out here,
I look like the guy that's here
to fix those lights if they go out,
you know what I mean?
It's good to be out here, man.
Give us a cheer,
all the dog owners in the room.
CHEERING
I hate you.
I am dog owner,
I just don't like other dog owners.
They always want to stop and talk
to you
about the fact that you've both got
dogs.
It's not that big a deal
to have in common, is it?
Look, "We've got a dog",
I don't care, mate.
I don't care.
This isn't a community, all right?
I've got a kid. When I'm out and
I see somebody else with their kid,
I don't go over and go, "Uh?"
"How long have you had him?"
"Is he a rescue?"
You can't say that.
You can't say that.
Oh, "Isn't he a lovely colour?"
You can't say any of that.
"You going to have him done?"
There's a whole list of these.
It's cool, man. It's cool.
I grew up in London. Obviously
can't afford to live here any more,
like most people, because of you
middle-class pricks living there.
Any middle-class people in?
Give us a cheer.
SOME CHEERING
It's cautious, innit?
They're not sure if they're allowed
to celebrate who they are.
You just feel guilty.
It's fine, man. It's fine.
Look, I know you guys are suffering
too with the cost of living.
Some of you are regretting
having that heated flooring put in,
aren't you?
Having to get your au pairs
to put in for the leccy.
Everyone's feeling
the pinch, you know.
And look, I'll be honest, man,
my life has become more
middle-class.
I live in Cambridgeshire now.
And yeah, I have
..I've known the taste of almond
milk.
I know the taste of almond milk.
It's not nice, is it?
Vegans always overdo it,
don't they?
They go, "It's just like milk."
It's not really, is it?
It's reminiscent of milk.
It alludes to the idea of milk.
But I live out there,
and this is how they get you.
Middle-class people,
give them some credit, right?
They know their food and drink.
That is their culture.
That's how they get you.
That's the entry drug, innit.
They just get you started
on the good stuff.
You'll be at a barbecue with some
geezer called Josh, all right?
Always something like Josh
or Gareth or whatever.
The kind of guy that'll always call
someone like me "chap" or "fella".
"All right, chap? How's it going,
fella? You all right?
"All right, Geoffers?"
Don't call me any of those three
things ever again.
"Hey, Geoff, just doing the old
barbecue here, mate.
"Here you go, mate, try that.
"It's a burger in a seeded
brioche bun."
You try it and you go, "Ridiculous."
And you bite it, and you go,
"Fuck, that is better.
"Oh, Lordy Lord!"
How do you know this stuff?
I want to know all the secrets,
Josh.
I want to be part of the community,
because they know stuff, right?
Food is like a fashion to them.
They see it coming a mile off.
Remember a while ago,
no-one was drinking coconut water
ten years ago in this country
and then suddenly, bam, ubiquitous.
Everyone's drinking it.
And I've often wondered, the people
that farm coconuts overseas,
do they ever find out what caused
this sudden spike in their revenues?
They have fairly stable sort of UK
revenue, you know,
like funfairs and like
the odd macaroon, maybe.
But then one year
And all the other farmers in the
village
must have been going,
"Jesus, Rahul.
"How did you do it?"
He's like, "What can I say, boys?
"Turns out there were a lot
of twats in Shoreditch."
"A lot of them.
"Could happen to you boys. You hang
in there, Apricot George."
That's another thing as well,
isn't it? The nicknames.
I don't think middle-class blokes
have very good nicknames.
You on the end there, sir,
you seem quite middle-class.
What's your name? Adam. Adam.
You got a nickname?
Tin Man. What? Tin Man. Tin Man?
Who gave you that nickname, because
it implies you haven't got a heart.
Football team.
Football team, that's nice. See,
it's got a bit of a story about it.
That's what I like.
A lot of my mates,
their nicknames have got
serious narrative back story.
I've got a mate called
Fireplace Jack, right?
So-called because he had sex
in a fireplace once when he was 19.
52 now.
Everyone calls him Fireplace Jack,
including his kids.
I've got a mate called Gary,
so-called because he looks like
another of our mates called Gary
..who's been downgraded
to being called Original Gary.
Got a mate called Dead Steve.
Now, Steve got his nickname, right,
he went to Thailand back
in the early '90s and back then,
working-class people,
we didn't know anybody that went
that far for that long.
We didn't have emails or texts
or mobile phones.
As the weeks rolled past,
speculation began to grow
..as to the fate of Steve.
After four and a half weeks,
we could only conclude that Steve
was, in fact, dead.
Went round South London
like wildfire.
When he came back, ruined the joke.
Absolutely ruined the joke.
But he's dead now, so happy days.
DISAPPROVING LAUGHTER
All right, interesting reaction.
OK, let's do something a bit safer,
then.
Let's do some stereotypes about
women.
Let's do that.
Yeah, that feels like
safe territory.
And I know we're living in an age
where people are going,
"Geoff, it's nonbinary,
genderfluid, don't stereotype.
"You can't stereotype."
You can a bit.
A little bit?
I mean, look. For example,
I've never seen two men swimming
side by side
just so they could continue
chatting, all right?
Is that fair?
I don't care
I don't care down at your
little hipster swimming pool,
whether you've seen 19-year-old
Ethan and Caleb
swimming side by side with their
man buns in Speedo hats
just so they could continue
their chat about vape flavours.
I don't know where you live,
but where I live that hasn't
really happened yet, you know?
And I don't think, like,
stereotypes,
I don't think they're always coming
from a place of hate. Like, my wife,
you see, there's things that
you observe about female behaviour.
I love the difference.
I've been married 18 years
and I'm still noticing new stuff.
Like, I realised only this year
that my wife, right,
she has a very different
relationship with breakfast
than I do in that she doesn't
necessarily want to eat first thing.
Right? It's very delicate process,
you know.
I try and give her food
and she'll be like
I'm like, "Babe, it's toast.
"I'm not waving a dick in your face,
all right?"
I mean, I say waving.
More moving, if we're honest.
It's a very well-ventilated room.
DELAYED LAUGHTER
The men understand.
Well, you know, me, I think
like a lot of blokes, you know?
I can eat first thing. I'd go
as far as to say,
if you waft a bacon roll
under my still-sleeping face,
I'll instinctively
latch on like a nursing infant,
like, just seeking out the teat,
right?
But her - it's delicate, man.
I have to come in, I'm like, "Babe,
I just want to see, are you ready?
"Do you think you're ready
to try a pastry, do you think?"
I have to treat her
like she's coming round from major
surgery, genuinely.
Like, "Just tea, babe?
Do you want tea?
"I'll put it in a pipette
"and feed it to you like you're an
injured sparrow. How about that?"
It's all delicate in the morning,
right?
But then something miraculous
happens.
Three short hours later, at brunch,
she's ready for a Prosecco.
What a journey she's been on.
She's on the smash!
Three hours ago, you couldn't even
look at a Weetabix.
Now look at you.
And I'll tell you why,
because women's relationship
with alcohol has changed, right?
Give me a cheer,
all the women drinking.
WOMEN CHEER
There's that noise,
like it just became legal.
"Yeah, we do all sorts of stuff.
now, Geoff."
There's a lot of bravado, because
it used to be blokes, didn't it?
The lads, lads, lads' thing. But now
women, you see on social media,
if a girl goes on social media,
you know, on Facebook and says,
Claire says, "One o'clock,
or wine o'clock, methinks."
You know that girl, right?
Everyone knows Claire.
But all of Claire's mates weigh in,
bigging her up, like,
"Yes, Claire, you drink that wine,
you drink it. You deserve it.
"You deserve the wine, Claire,
you're an amazing woman."
And that is what feminism is now.
It's you out of your nut
on a Tuesday afternoon
watching Loose Women, surrounded by
discarded cans of Bacardi Breezer.
They big each other up.
I'm just saying it's changed.
I've got a mate called Mandy who
goes even further.
She'll do ones on Instagram of her
sitting in the bath
with a little tumbler of G&T.
Little caption -
"Teatime, or G&T time."
And this time, it's emojis.
Champagne cork, party popper.
Flamenco lady. Right?
This guy at the front doesn't even
know what that emoji is.
It's a very important emoji
in the female community, OK,
you need to get on board.
But they're all celebrating it
and I'm thinking, "She's drinking
in the bath. That's sad.
"It's sad."
I don't think things are all right
there, you know what I mean?
I think she might be hitting
rock bottom
and you're all egging her on.
"What's in the bath, babe?
"Is it water, cos it should be Cava,
you lightweight."
I think you need to check in
on your friend.
Because it's changed a lot, hasn't
it?
You know, with the focus
on men's mental health, right?
If one of my mates went on Facebook
and went,
"Dave is drinking whisky
in the shower",
I'm round there straight away.
"All right, Dave? I was just in the
area, thought I'd pop in. Yeah.
"Everything all right? Good.
"Is she still letting you see him
at weekends?
That's positive, innit?
Very positive, that.
"Good, good. Why are you wearing
a Spider-Man outfit, Dave? Why"
It's changing times, man.
When you talk about sex and gender,
things are changing very fast,
very fast.
There's new words, you know.
I don't mind things progressing,
but I feel like sometimes
if you're not on social media, a lot
of people,
they just won't know
what these things are.
Like cisgender.
You heard this word, cisgender?
It's very hard to explain it
to the older people
in your family, though, isn't it?
It's a tough one where your uncle
goes,
"What's all this cisgender
bollocks, then?"
"Well, considering you're in such
an open-minded mood, I'll explain.
"It's very straightforward,
very simple.
"Basically, it's a bloke that's born
a bloke, lives his life as a bloke
"and essentially stays a bloke."
He's like, "So a bloke, then."
You're like, "Yeah, I guess."
You know, I just think you've got to
give people time,
whatever the social change is.
Some things
are going to take time, right?
You know, like ideas of what
biological sex means.
Some things that are being said,
they're so contrary to what people
fought for their whole lives,
right, it can seem like some weird
parlour game
where someone's saying stuff
like, "Men can get pregnant."
You're like, "Whoa. What?!
"Good one.
"I'll do one. OK, all right, let me
think. Let me think.
"Women are more than happy
"to reverse all the way back
up a road if they see
"If they see a bottleneck
situation developing.
"Is that what game we're playing
here?
"Do another one, this is fun."
"Women can have penises."
You're like, "Oh, very good!
"All right, men are very good
"at noticing things left on
the bottom step of the stairs.
"How about that?"
They see it and go, "Oh,
that's probably for the bathroom.
"I'll take that en route."
I think it's OK to have questions
and doubts
about things as they progress,
right?
You know, I don't want to be
a dinosaur.
Turns out one area where I am
super-woke, by the way,
old Uncle Geoff
..yeah, is women transitioning to be
men.
I'm like, more the merrier.
You transition to be a man,
I'm like, "Join the club.
"Get yourself over here, yeah?
No, I admire you, mate.
"You put more effort into having a
cock than I ever did,
"fair fucks to you."
I was just born with one.
You've put in the hours.
Get yourself a whisky.
No, it doesn't taste nice.
No men thinks it tastes nice.
It's like poker, it's one of these
things that we pretend to enjoy.
I'll help you. I'll be your ally,
right?
I'll be your ally through this.
I'll guide you through the
mysterious world of masculinity,
you know? Little word to the wise -
statistically, you won't live
as long,
but you will have more of a laugh.
You will.
You will. A lot of women
wonder that.
Do men just have more of a laugh?
Yeah, we do.
It's on account of our incredible
ability to just switch off,
we just switch off. Sometimes I get
two miles away from my house,
I've forgot I got a family.
It's incredible.
But there's a flip side to that,
you know?
A big flip side to that is that I
think women have more connected,
intuitive relationships
with their female friends, right?
They know stuff about each other,
whereas as a bloke, you could be
friends with a geezer 26 years,
and find yourself saying something
like, "You've got a sister?"
"Did I?"
"Sorry."
You know? Let's talk about men
for a bit, you know?
You know, I think there's
a lot of blokes, right
You know the worst kind of bloke
is the guy that claims to be a
feminist in his diversity workshops
and on social media,
but then you speak to his missus,
he's nothing of the sort, you know?
Hasn't been near a floor wipe in 15
years.
And there's this issue, you know,
women are working more hours,
men aren't doing a bigger
percentage of the housework.
All the men now - "Geoff, you've
turned on us." Yeah, I have a bit.
And I'm part of the problem.
That's the thing.
I am part of the problem.
I don't do enough housework, right?
And I'm going to try to be as honest
with you and risk being unpopular,
but I'm just going to try
and tell you how my mind works.
I don't do enough housework
and on the odd occasion that I do,
in my mind, if I'm really honest,
I sort of see it as a favour.
All right?
ONE PERSON CLAPS
Brave man, clapping.
What fool are you?
"I'm just clapping the honesty,
babe. He's out of order."
I do! I'm not saying it's right,
but in my mind,
I sort of see
it as quasi-heroic.
Like, I'll just be sitting there
watching six hours of Mandalorian
and then
A little thought will come into my
head like,
"You could do some Hoovering."
I'm like, "What? What was that?"
"What just spoke to me?
"Was that my inner beauty?"
I think I'm actually taken
with myself, like,
"What a top bloke you are for even
having that thought, Geoff.
"You didn't have to think that, you
just thought it out of yourself."
What an arsehole.
And then I Hoover, right,
but even as I'm Hoovering,
I'm looking forward
to telling my wife the good news.
I want to share the good news.
"Oh, she's going to be made-up.
"Lucky girl. Lucky girl.
"She'll be back soon.
She'll be back soon."
When she gets back, I more or less
crowd her out at the door.
I'm like, "Hey-hey! Get in the
door, of course, get in the door.
"Of course. Babe, I just
"I Hoovered the lounge, so
Yeah."
And she said something,
and I think it's fair -
she says something quite frequently
in situations like that.
She says, "What, do you want
a medal?"
WOMEN LAUGH AND CHEER
And I'm like, "No!"
But I do. I do want medals.
I think that that is
Let's just be pragmatic.
Men want medals.
That's my advice.
Get a box.
Go on eBay.
Get a box of, like, a thousand
tiny plastic medals.
That's my advice.
Keep them handy
and when he does something right,
like empties a dishwasher,
two medals for him.
Yeah? Or if he sends birthday cards
to one of HIS relatives
Oh, my God.
He graduated!
I feel like I've started
a fight in the front row here.
Why don't men do that?
It's this weird thing that happens
after a marriage, is you sort of go,
"OK, babe, a new division
of labour here.
"Er, I will be doing the bins.
"You will be doing social calendar,
birthdays, anniversaries,
"remembering the names of the new
babies, all that stuff, for ever,
"but I'll do the bins."
But here's the weird thing.
Here's the weird You have
to remind me about the bins.
I know, it's messed up.
The patriarchy!
Ladies and gentlemen of
the Hammersmith Apollo,
are you ready for your first act?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Yes, such a funny
and talented lady.
Please welcome to the stage
Michelle de Swarte!
MUSIC: A London Thing,
by Scott Garcia
CHEERING INTENSIFIES
Hey-hey!
Hello, Hammersmith Apollo!
CHEERING
All right? This is nice, innit?!
Yes!
Is anyone here in their 40s?
WHOOPING
Is it? You lot in your 40s?
Have you guys started walking
like this yet?
It happens like clockwork,
you know. It's mad.
Like, I'll be walking
around the Co-op
like I'm in an art gallery, just
"Reduced? By how much?"
"Not enough!"
That, and I've got
a boner for linen.
Ooh!
Innit?
I literally go out shopping
for fabric and I'm like,
"Hmm, give me a fabric that
will crease really easily, yes!
"I want to iron it
for at least an hour. Mm!
"That's for me!"
That and candles. Whoo!
Now, listen, I used to party.
Hard.
And I found that burning your money
via candles is a great replacement.
When I say I like candles, yeah,
I'm going Diptyque, baby.
Thank you.
I'm going Jo Malone.
Fig for me.
Which also, like,
I'm from a council estate.
What does fig really smell like?
Does anyone?
I'm just going on what Jo Malone
told me, you know what I mean?
These candles are expensive.
I reckon for a fiver I could
probably buy 50 figs,
chuck it in the oven and just waft
it around the house a few times.
The dream is, yeah,
I want enough money that I can
light a Jo Malone candle
when it's just me in the house.
Come with me, people.
Can you imagine coming home
to your yard,
it's just you in and you're like,
"You know what?
"Fig for me."
As it is, if you go to my house,
and I've a candle on the go,
no lie, after about 20 minutes,
I'll start thinking.
"That's about £17 worth
of scent there.
"What kind of friend
is he anyway?
"He's had enough!"
I realise there's nothing
more insulting than someone
lighting your scented candles
when you're not
there to enjoy the scent.
Innit?
I had my brother house-sitting
for me, right?
I was away for a couple of weeks.
I walked back into the house.
Soon as I opened up the door,
I was like
SHE SNIFFS
I walked into the front room.
This guy is reclining on my sofa
..lighting his spliff
..with my Jo Malone candle!
The ash was falling into the wax,
so I was like, "You all right?!"
"Yeah, we good?!" Now we know, as
British people,
when our voices go higher like that,
we mean the opposite, right?
The higher our voices go,
the less we're about it.
You know what I mean?
If someone's like,
"Are you coming to our party,"
you're like
SQUEAKILY: "Yeaaaah!"
What that means is, "I'm not
coming to your party, mate."
So, I was like
HIGH-PITCHED: "You all right?
"What you doing?"
He's like, "This is just a bit of
mood lighting, innit?" I was like
Ikea tea light is mood lighting.
That's not even
It was a three-wick candle.
Only one wick was lit.
AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
Thank you!
I think what I miss most
about being, like, young is
I miss being fit as fuck.
Do you know what I
No, no, not, this is Botox, baby,
do you know what I mean?
I've had so much Botox
that if I tried to frown right now,
I'd probably fart.
I'm all right now, "For my age,"
but it's not the same!
Oh, when I was in my 20s, ooooh!
I was nice!
I wasn't even nice,
I was "Noiice!"
Me in my 20s, you think I'd
be up here, dancing like a monkey,
trying to make you lot laugh? No!
I wouldn't even line up
for a nightclub.
I'd just walk past
all the ugly people.
Get to the front,
they goes, "Your name down?"
I go, "Have a look, babes,
know what I mean?"
Then, around 35, I was like,
"Oh, shit, I'm going to have to
start working on my personality."
And here we are.
I thinkI think why,
why I miss it as well,
because when I was younger,
I was a model, right?
And obviously not any more.
That ship has sailed.
Don't do drugs, people.
Seriously, to this day,
sometimes I lie in bed and
one nostril whistles, just
And I think, "You
could've been a house!"
WHISTLES DESCENDING NOTE
People ask me like, "Oh, what did
you do with all your model money?"
I'm like, "I sniffed it!
All right?!"
WHOOPING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So when I was a model, I was
taken to Jeffrey Epstein's house.
AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!
Oh, yeah. It's tea-time, guys.
Now, this was many moons ago, right?
This is over 20 years ago,
back in the day when the internet
was powered by a little elf
on a treadmill, right?
I'm living in New York
and I lived there for about 16
years,
because I'm better
than you lot, right?
So, I'm living in New York
in a model apartment
and, with a bunch of other models,
the Twin Towers just
got attacked, right?
And as I said,
this was many moons ago
so this is like before the body
positivity movement, right?
Back then,
they wanted you to be so skinny
you were just a voice
floating around.
And so me and these models thinking
like,
"Oh, my God, maybe
we're going to die."
We're stuffing our faces
with food, right?
Now - we were stranded.
No flights could leave New York.
If you've been following this
Jeffrey Epsteen/Epstein -
who gives a shit,
he's dead - right?
But if you've been following
this story, you will know that
about six or seven months ago,
another man connected to the case
also killed himself
in prison, right?
That guy was called Jean-Luc.
He was the owner of my model agency.
Receipts!
So, someone from the agency comes
to the model apartment and says,
"Listen, we've got a friend of
the agency who's got a private jet
"and he might be able to fly
you girls out of New York."
And we were like, "Yes,
it's amazing being gorgeous!"
And he was like, "But first, he
wants to meet ya."
And we were like, "Ah, shit."
Because you know as well as I do,
guys, right, when someone's posing
as a Good Samaritan,
but with conditions,
that shit is dangerous, OK?
That's how religions get started.
So, they ferry six of us
models from Lower Manhattan
to Upper Manhattan, to Jeffrey's.
Now, I didn't know it
was Jeffrey at the time,
but a chin
like that you never forget, right?
We walk in to the apartment.
As soon as we walked in,
I knew something was off
and I knew something was off
because the artwork was noncey.
You know what I mean? It was all
like paintings of ballerinas
and little girls,
there was a bust of a baby,
someone holding a severed head.
It didn't feel right!
You know, ladies, you when
something don't feel right?
You know what it was like, yeah?
You know, when you go out clubbing
with your friends, right?
You're young, you're feeling
free, you're in a nightclub.
It gets to about 2am
and the lights come on in the club
and, you think, "No-o!
What are we going to do now?!"
And at that moment, a German
businessman appears from dry ice.
And he goes,
"Why don't you come back to mine?"
And because you're smashed,
you look at your mate
and you go, "Yes! Why don't we?!"
And then you go back to his house,
you walk in and you think,
"Ah, fuck!"
"No." That's what Jeffrey's
felt like, right?
So we walk in to the front room,
there he is, Jeffers, sitting on the
sofa, rubbing his thighs, the creep,
I know.
So
He was like, "Take a seat." And I
was like, "Nah, you're all right."
And I kind of posted up the way
you do, like, in West Croydon
when you've missed the night bus,
and you want to look confident,
but you're feeling didgy, I was
like, No, I'm good, I'm good, man."
"I'm good! I'm fine."
Now, he didn't take that much notice
of me, actually.
What he did is he pulled
one of the younger,
Eastern European
girls onto his lap, right?
And she's 15, so, she didn't
really know what to do,
she didn't speak much English.
And he pulled her onto his lap
and he gave her this
shoulder massage, right?
Now, cos she was young, she
didn't yet have the language
to be like,
"No, thank you. Piss off."
All right? So, she just kind of
giggled her way through it.
Now, for me, I was lucky,
I grew up in Brixton, right?
From a young age,
I knew to use my deep voice.
I'd be walking down Acre Lane.
At 12 years old,
I was this height, right?
So I'd be walking down Acre Lane
and a guy would come up to me
and be like, "Are you all right?"
And I'd be like
DROPS AN OCTAVE:
"Are YOU all right, bruv?"
And he'd be like, "You know what?
I'm good, actually. See ya later!"
I'd be like, "Mind how you go! My
yoot, yeah? Mind how you go!"
She didn't have that language yet.
So she giggled her way through it.
Right, we stayed for about
20 minutes and then we left.
Now, when we left, my friend,
Croatian girl,
I'm still friends
with her to this day -
at the time she didn't speak
much English, but we bonded
through weed and blackjack. Right?
So, we have a certain kind
of communication.
She was like, "Are you?"
I was like, "Nah, you know what?
"I think I'm going to just try my
chances here with Al-Qaeda,
"do you know what I mean?"
Now
..I kind of forgot about it, right?
And then three years ago, I'm
at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival.
Now, if you haven't been
to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival,
it's basically Notting Hill Carnival
for white people, right?
He loves it!
It's one giant mufti day.
So
I'm at the festival, doing my gig,
and I open up a paper and I'm like,
"Oh, my God! There he is!"
I'll never forget that chin, right?
I'm like, "Wow!" Start reading
the story, I'm like
"This is actually mad!"
Then it made me think,
oh, my gosh, you know what?
That girl, who he pulled
onto his lap, I think she got
on the jet with him, cos
I never saw her again.
Now, I hope that she is living
her best life somewhere, right?
But it made me think like, what is
it that kept me safe that day?
At Jeffers'.
What is it that kept me safe?
Is it cos I used my deep voice?
Is it cos, quite frankly,
I was stoned and had shit chat?
You know them ones
where you're like,
"That's a nice Easter egg."
"Actually, that's a Faberge egg."
"Yeah, nice!"
"Is that Cadbury's, then?
"Name brand. High-end.
Good filling. I like it."
But it made me think, like,
what is it that kept me
safe that day, right?
Is it that? Deep in my heart
I know what it was that kept me safe
and allowed me to be here today
to tell you guys this story, right?
If I'm honest, what kept
me safe that day
is racism, guys!
Yeah, racism!
Listen, as a woman of colour,
it's probably the only time
I can look back in my life
and be like, "Thank you, racism!
"Nice one!"
You guys have been
absolutely amazing.
My pleasure.
CHEERING
Thank you. Thank you.
Michelle de Swarte!
Let's hear it.
CHEERING
Brilliant stuff.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready
for your second act of the night?
WHOOPING
This guy is a phenomenal comedian.
I know you're going to love him.
Please give it up for
Sean McLoughlin!
MUSIC: Wide Awake,
by Parquet Courts
Good evening.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Innit a great night?
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
We're out, we're in London.
Only place to be,
as far as I'm concerned.
Only place to be is London.
Everyone attacks this city,
but genuinely, I couldn't
live anywhere else.
I couldn't live anywhere else.
Everywhere I travel in this country,
people always say to me,
"Why do you live in London?"
Do you know why?
Cos there's stuff to do.
That's why.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've got friends live in Ipswich.
It's sad.
I call them up.
"Hey, what you been up to?"
"Went rock climbing."
"When?" "A year ago."
"A year ago?!"
"I got a hand job in the London
Dungeons THIS MORNING."
Right? I'm living a life.
I'm getting on with this.
No, I'm not, I'm not going to run
away. I'm not one of those cowards,
going to go to Reading,
"for more space".
You been to Reading?
It's like Jerusalem,
if Jesus turned water into meth.
I'm not having it.
Just stay here, pay three grand a
month to live in a shoe box and be a
man!
No, I live here in London,
with my wife.
I'm Well, yeah, I'm married.
Very happily married.
It might be a surprise
to some of you.
I do give off what one therapist
called, "a very divorced energy".
But we do all right.
Got a few problems, 'course.
Like any marriage,
got a few problems.
Biggest problem we've got
is probably her name, right?
No, genuinely, my wife's
a wonderful woman.
Her name is actually
..Alexa.
People can't handle that.
Every day, "What's
your wife's name?"
"Alexa."
"Huh? Like the Amazon product?"
"No, like, the name, you twerp,
is still a name first, isn't it,
"more than a product."
Fair enough if you said,
"What is your wife's name?"
And I said, "My wife is
called Dyson Airblade."
We live together, me and her.
Our neighbours,
they don't know her name's Alexa.
They're thinking about
the product first, as well.
I don't know what sort of life they
think I'm leading,
hearing me through the walls.
Every day,
they just hear these weird
commands coming through.
"Alexa, why do you always
undermine me?!"
"Alexa,
When will my dreams come true?"
"Alexa, the condom split.
Is there anything in you?"
"Think he's shagging a robot
next door!"
No, we're all right.
We've got problems, though.
'Course we got problems.
Look, I'm not a perfect husband,
I admit that. I'm not.
Look, I did something recently.
My wife said something to me I never
wanted anyone to say to me,
but she said it and I deserved it.
She said, "You're not
sorry you did it, Sean.
"You're sorry you got caught."
She said
No, it's No, it's Listen,
I didn't cheat on her.
I wiped a yoghurt lid on the cat.
But, the point is
The point is, I should have been
more respectful.
I mean, tech has got us now,
big tech has got us by the balls.
They're never going to let go.
They're never going to let go,
cos they're relentless.
Nothing's ever enough
for these companies.
You look at Google.
My God, they still advertise!
Think about that.
Google still advertise.
What is your problem, Google?
Who has slipped through the net?
Who is watching an advert
for Google today, going
"Goo"
"Jeeves, is this true?"
They're insane, how powerful this
company is.
Like, every once in a while, there's
this movement, isn't there?
"Quit Facebook. Quit Facebook."
Yeah, do that. You should.
You can't quit Google.
Where you going to go?
Lycos Dog is dead. Jeeves is
in a home. Where you going to go?
So you say,
"Ever heard of Bing?" "Whoo!"
"Ever heard of self-respect?"
Bing?!
I'd rather be dead
than Bing anything.
No, they're powerful.
Google are beyond anything else
we've ever seen, I think,
in our species. They really are.
Like, they know us.
They know all of you.
They have profiles of every
single person in this room,
based on what we type in.
They build a personality
around what they think we are,
but they don't know me. I'll tell
you that. They don't know me
because what they don't realise
is I spend an hour every morning
feeding them false
information about myself.
It's the only way to win
in this life.
Every time I have a genuine question
I need answered,
I ask five buffer questions
I have absolutely no interest in,
just to put those sluts
off the scent!
It's not easy life.
But I do it. I do it for you.
Six in the morning, I go,
"Whereabouts in France
was Napoleon born?"
"Can you visit Napoleon's
childhood home on Corsica?"
"Vegetarian restaurants near
Napoleon's childhood home."
Then I get down to it.
"Do turtles cum?"
Images. It's the only way
..to stick it to the man.
And they are the man.
Make no mistake, Google are the man.
Here's how I view it.
If it was a bloke,
he'd be in prison.
If it wasn't a faceless corporation,
if it was Nigel down the bar
finishing all your sentences
for you
..taking pictures
of your house in a car
What?!
How are you getting away with this,
Nige?
You don't even pay your taxes, man.
I guess the main thing
with these tech companies
is they're just so American.
They're so American.
Cos nothing's ever enough
for these companies,
and nothing is ever enough
for America.
I mean, there is an American flag
on the moon.
On the If there's one
thing in life that can't be claimed,
surely it's the moon.
But no. Moon's American.
Makes sense.
'Course the moon's American.
It's big. It's white.
It's inexplicably involved
in women's reproductive organs.
You know, it makes sense.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Let me hear you in Washington!
The internet has destroyed me.
Like, the internet has basically
left me
with no attention span at all.
Like, I don't know about you,
I don't even wait till the end
of a sentence any more,
before I decide whether I'm getting
good news or bad news.
I just rush to judgment immediately.
I actually don't think
I'm the only one.
I've got a joke
I think sums this up.
Now, in order to tell
you this joke
..I have to reveal
some pretty secret information.
So let's keep this in the room.
All right?
But it has recently emerged
that me and my wife
are expecting a child.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You have to let me finish
the sentence.
You have to let me finish.
We're expecting a child
to make some pretty serious
accusations against me Um
How do you think that went?
How do you think that went?
I don't know.
It's chaos out there, innit?
We like to convince ourselves
we're logical creatures,
but we're not.
And it's chaos out there.
It's madness. They sell matches
in petrol stations.
It's chaos out there.
Like, I was listening to this
debate show recently, on the radio.
They were talking about
cannabis legalisation.
SOME CHEERS
The people in the cheap seats
are very excited.
They were talking about cannabis
legalisation
and there was a guy on there
making some pretty good points.
And he kept saying, "Look,
there's no logic to the fact
"that you can buy alcohol
in this country, legally,
"but you can't buy weed,
which is far less dangerous drug."
APPLAUSE
And some of you
Well, yeah. Look, some of you
might agree with that
and some of you might not.
But the thing is,
that argument ignores the huge
swathes of things that we can buy
that there's absolutely no logical
reason for us to be able to buy it.
But, yeah, you can't buy weed.
Maybe you should be able to.
Do you know what you can buy?
Do you know what every single person
in this room could buy
tomorrow, if we wanted to,
and there's no debate
as to whether it's right or wrong?
A horse.
You've taken that very well
as an audience.
You know what a horse is, right,
mate? You know what a horse is?
Massive furry van with
no respect for human life.
You know what a horse is?
Stand behind it, it kicks you
in the head, you're just dead.
You can just buy one.
Does anyone else find that weird
that anyone can buy a horse?
Anyone can buy a horse.
Anyone. I live in a third-storey
flat in South London.
I can buy a horse,
ride it down the high street,
take it up the stairs,
I've broken no laws.
It's harder to buy scissors.
Maybe you don't believe me.
I get that. Maybe you don't.
Frankly, I didn't believe me.
I wrote this routine.
I was like, "Come on, Sean,
you can't just buy a horse.
"You've got to need land
or permits or something like that."
So I went on Google.
Not only can you genuinely
just buy a horse, right
I am not making this up.
Do you know how much it costs?
£40.
For a horse.
Do you know what a horse is?
When word gets out it's
£40 a horse
..society is going to change
immeasurably.
I mean, for a start,
Uber are finished.
It's over. It's done.
Oh, it's done.
You think Friday nights are rough
as it is,
you wait until every stag do
in the country
has got a steed
dressed as a Minion, all right?
In many ways, it might be the best
thing that ever happened to us.
I do think that. Think of all
the problems it could solve
if we went back to horseback.
Think of it. Biggest problem at the
moment - cost of living crisis.
Petrol's through the roof.
How am I going to get around?
I can't afford my car tax.
£40 horse, one payment.
Easy. Done.
£40, you can go where you want.
You might be thinking, "Well, sure,
you need to clothe a horse.
"You need to feed a horse."
Here's the thing with a £40 horse.
No, you fucking don't.
It's a £40 horse.
It's a £40-horse.
It's a £40 What else are
you?
Just leave it the side of the road.
It's like those scooters. It's easy.
What else are you going
to do with a £40 horse?
Please! You wouldn't trust the glue
to hold up a pin.
You were an amazing crowd.
Thank you so much. Cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sean McLoughlin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wonderful stuff.
You've been a wonderful audience.
Give it up for all the acts
that you saw tonight.
You saw Michelle de Swarte.
Sean McLoughlin.
I've been Geoff Norcott.
This has been Live At The Apollo.
Thank you very much. Thank you.