Live at The Apollo (2004) s17e07 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your host for tonight,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tez Ilyas!
Good evening, Live At The Apollo!
CROWD CHEERS
Oh, my days, yes! Yes!
Yes!
Good evening, London. Are you good?
CROWD CHEERS
Oh, I'm so glad to hear it.
Listen, I've got to ask you
a question.
Do any of you - give me a cheer -
do any of you have a friend
CHEERS AND LAUGHTER
that you love but you don't like?
We've all got it, innit?
Those friends, we love them,
but they're such idiots.
I've got one of these friends
has texted me this week
and all his text message
said was, "Hiya, Tez."
I haven't heard from him in a while,
by the way.
"Hiya, Tez. Sponsor me." And then
a link to a sponsorship thing.
LAUGHTER
No context.
I'm a bit confused.
I replied back to him.
I've gone, "Hiya, Gary."
I'm going to call him Gary
for the story
LAUGHTER
..because that's his name.
I went, "Hiya, Gary.
What's going on here?"
And he goes, "Oh, sorry, Tez.
I didn't explain myself.
"I'm doing Go Sober for October."
That hasn't explained
anything, Gary.
And Gary goes, "Oh, Tez, mate,
"I'm not drinking alcohol
for a whole month.
LAUGHTER
"Give me some money." I'm like
"Gary, I'm so confused
because, as you know,
LAUGHTER
"I don't drink."
"So can't you just take it out of
what you owe me?"
LAUGHTER
I don't drink. I've never drank.
Give me a cheer
if you're drinking tonight.
CHEERING
Cool. Each to their own.
Enjoy yourselves.
I don't drink, and the reason
I don't drink and I never have
is because I am not an infidel.
LAUGHTER
That's a swing of a bat, by the way,
not a beheading, in case anyone
No, all right.
LAUGHTER
OK, yeah, all right.
I love People love getting
offended in 2022.
You want to send your little
tweet out, "Cancel him."
No, I've clearly threw a ball,
then swung through it like that.
Beheading is this way.
It's very It's a very
LAUGHTER
Completely different technique.
So I said to Gary, "Can't you just
take it out of what you owe me?"
And Gary replied back to me, going,
"You're being very facetious, Tez,"
LAUGHTER
which in his defence, I was.
"Obviously, you not drinking,
it's not a big deal, is it?
"Because it's not part
of your culture.
LAUGHTER
is a big part of my culture"
"Whereas drinking in excess
"..so me not drinking
for a whole month,
"actually, it's a big deal, mate."
I went, "Fair enough, Gary.
Good point, well made.
"I still don't understand why
I've got to give you money
"for that, though. Like, if you
don't want to drink, don't drink.
"If you think not drinking somehow
makes you a better person, crack on.
"But when I stopped
being homophobic,
"people didn't give me money
for that, did they?"
LAUGHTER
"I just stopped doing it. I didn't
know you could monetise that.
LAUGHTER
sweet, sweet coin out of it."
"I didn't know you could get
"Otherwise, I'd be at Pride
every single year
"with a bucket collection saying,
'Put some change in there -
"'otherwise, some heckling's
about to go down!'"
No.
LAUGHTER
Gave it up for free, like an idiot.
LAUGHTER
I realised after my exchange
with Gary that
a lot of things are annoying me
at the moment.
I hate social media.
Oh, my God, what a plague.
I hate it so much.
Honestly, I would get rid
of the whole thing.
Obviously, I'm on it -
I'm a hypocrite.
LAUGHTER
Do follow me. But I, I
..I hate it so much.
I'm on Twitter,
which is the worst one.
And the reason I'm on Twitter is
cos I like to watch the world burn
LAUGHTER
in real time, and
..on Twitter, I follow Gary Neville,
the former footballer.
Now, I'm not a Man United fan,
but I like Gary Neville.
He seemed like a good egg.
Last summer, during the Euros -
Euro 2021, the men's Euros,
the one that England
reached the final in -
towards the end of the tournament,
Gary Neville tweets out
to his 5 million followers,
Gary Neville goes,
"I think Jordan Pickford"
The England goalkeeper.
He goes, "I think Jordan Pickford
has been one of England's
"players of the tournament.
He's been brilliant."
It's a pretty solid tweet.
Jordan Pickford kept five
clean sheets in that tournament.
Solid.
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
Someone called Tom
LAUGHTER
..with 17 followers
..replied to Gary Neville
with this absolute gem,
which I'm going to perform
for you now.
LAUGHTER
SHRILLY: "Yeah.
Jordan Pickford's been all right.
"But it's easy to look good
when Osama bin Southgate"
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Who?!
"..when Osama bin Southgate
parks the bus."
LAUGHTER
Ehh?!
Now, look, not everyone in here's
going to be familiar with football.
Not everyone's a fan,
so let me break down some of that.
"Parks the bus," in football, means,
"Plays boring defensive football."
That's what "parks the bus" means.
Who's Osama bin Southgate, though?!
LAUGHTER
Now, I don't know any of you
lovely people.
We've never met in our lives.
Personally, in my life, in my LIFE,
I've only ever heard of one,
LAUGHTER
one Osama bin. Just one.
You know who I'm talking about,
innit? You know who I mean. The OG.
The Godfather. You know what I mean?
The main man. We all miss him a lot.
You know who I mean. Oh, my God.
Greatest hide-and-seek champion
of all time.
You know who I'm talking about.
So it's probably safe for me
to assume that this man, Tom,
is comparing England manager
Gareth Southgate
to former Al-Qaeda leader
Osama bin Laden.
Now, I am all for
ludicrous comparisons.
They make me laugh.
But they have to make sense.
There has to be
a bit of logic there.
Because if your argument,
Tom from Twitter,
is that under Gareth Southgate,
England play boring defensive
football and you don't like it,
I might not agree with that,
but we can discuss it like adults.
Osama bin Laden was not
known for his defence!
LAUGHTER
If anything, he was
too attack-minded!
"Parks the bus"?!
LAUGHTER
This man flew a plane!
Those are very different tactics!
LAUGHTER
He was the Arsene Wenger
of terrorism!
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Any questions?
It's not It's not just
social media, though.
If anything, the actual media
is even worse.
The BBC.
LAUGHTER, SINGLE CHEER
You know that saying, "Don't bite
the hand that feeds you"?
LAUGHTER
The BBC, our country's
pride and joy,
the organisation who we pay
our licence fee to - for now.
LAUGHTER
Last year the BBC got curious,
so they conducted an investigation.
They were trying to
answer a question,
and once they conducted
the investigation,
at the end, they put
a little report on TV
and then they wrote
a lengthy article on BBC Sport,
because it was a sporting issue they
were trying to get to the bottom of.
And the question that the BBC
were trying to answer was this.
Now, bear in mind
when I tell you this,
the BBC have used
our licence fee money,
our taxpayers' money
and resources on this.
And the question they were trying
And this is real - you can
Google it afterwards.
The question they were trying
to answer was,
"Why aren't there more BAME"
As in Black And Minority Ethnic
people.
"Why aren't there more BAME
"..skiers and snowboarders."
LAUGHTER
What?
What?!
Who the fuck is that
keeping up at night?!
We do not care about that!
That has never, ever come up
in my friendship circle!
That has never been mentioned on the
international BAME WhatsApp group!
My mum has never said to me,
"Son, how come you never get me skis
for Mother's Day?"
She's never brought it up!
LAUGHTER
in Blackburn!
And we live on a really steep hill
But not once in my mum's life
has she thought,
"I'll ski down that one day."
She's not even asked for a sled!
Not even a sled!
We don't want to go.
No-one's stopping us.
We don't want to go, though.
It's cold!
And it's really expensive!
There you go.
I've saved you 30 minutes
and a Panorama documentary.
It's not rocket science!
Gandalf the White
isn't stood at the Alps,
saying, "You shall not pass, darky."
We can go!
LAUGHTER
We just don't want to go.
BAME people, we watched
Cool Runnings
like it was The Revenant.
It's terrifying.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Black runs don't matter.
Very niche skiing joke.
We don't want to go!
BAME people, we've got bigger things
in life to worry about
than skiing and snowboarding -
like the acronym, BAME.
LAUGHTER
Eurghhh!
Oh, my God.
I hate that term so, so much.
If you use that phrase in your life,
please stop.
It just sounds awful, innit?
Just bad.
BAME! Lame!
The same! Blame!
God, I hate it.
You know who smashed it? You know
who smashed the abbreviation game?
LAUGHTER
The LGBT lot.
CLICKS TEETH
If you're in
Hey. They have smashed it.
You know what their full thing is
at the moment?
You know what the full thing is?
L-G-B-T-Q-I-A-P-K.
That's an abbreviation! Not BAME!
You know what the A stands for
in BAME? And!
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
And we've got that, and they've got
ALL of that?!
The worst thing is, the last four
letters of LGBTQIAPK is I-A-P-K.
That's an anagram of Paki.
How have they got it?!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
How have they got it
and we've got BAME?
It gets worse.
They've got a cherry on top.
LGBTQIAPK+. Plus!
They're doing algebra.
LAUGHTER
My people invented algebra!
BAME.
What's the other one
you might have heard?
The other one they're trying to
fob off on us these days?
Person Of Colour. "Pock".
LAUGHTER
Pock off! I don't want it.
How come, yeah, if your grandad
said "coloured person,"
apparently that's racist,
but magically over here, somehow,
"person of colour" is
a drastically different
and therefore acceptable term?
Pock off! It doesn't make sense.
And also, who are you
even talking about?
Person of colour, that's
I don't know what that means.
Be specific when you say PoC,
Person of Colour.
Who do you mean by PoC?
Person of Curry?
Person of Chopsticks?
Person of Cocoa Butter? Be specific!
LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
And you might be sat there thinking,
"Very funny, Tez. Very passionate.
"What do we call it, then?
What's the correct term for yous?"
Settle down, my children. OK?
Daddy's not going to give you
problems without solutions.
I solved it. The correct term
for me and my lot.
This is what you're going to
call us from now on.
This is what we're going to call
ourselves. And that term is
Now, I'm not going to lie.
This term is currently being used
by someone else,
LAUGHTER
take it off them
but we're going to
..and we're going to use it
for ourselves.
And stay with me on this. It's B
..B
..C. BBC. BBC, OK? BBC.
We're going to take it off the BBC.
We're going to be the
new and improved BBC.
What was that?
"What does it stand for?"
Great question. Er, Blacks, Browns,
Chinese-y looking ones.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That is all of us!
Right?
That's all of us!
Because BAME, BAME is vague,
but Blacks, Browns,
Chinese-y looking ones,
that is every single one of us!
That doesn't leave anyone out.
And we're not going to ask dumb
questions like the old BBC did.
We're not going to be like,
"Ah, why are there so few
"BAME skiers and snowboarders?"
No-one cares.
We're not going to be like, "Oh, oh,
"why are there so few white people
playing kabaddi?" No-one cares.
No-one cares.
LAUGHTER
"Oh, oh, why are there so few
ISIS members at Oktoberfest?"
Because why would you?
Why would you invite them?
"Oh, oh, why are there so few
Bengali basketball players?"
LAUGHTER
How are they going to do it?
Because flipping how?!
How are they going to do it?
5'1" LeBrown James over here.
He can't reach!
LAUGHTER
He can't reach.
Not everything is for everyone.
You're allowed to stay
in your own lane.
You can enjoy your own things.
For example, sympathy -
that's for white refugees,
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
not brown or black refugees.
LAUGHTER MUFFLES SPEECH
It's not a
"Why are there so few BAME skiers
and snowboarders?" So dumb!
MURMUR OF LAUGHTER
Do book me again.
I, erm
HE SIGHS
I, erm
I went skiing last year.
LAUGHTER MUFFLES SPEECH
No! No, don't judge me.
"Oh, no. Oh, Tez, we thought you
were a working-class brown hero."
I am, OK?
I didn't go skiing, per se.
I got invited to the French Alps
to do some gigs,
and as part of it,
I got to do some skiing.
I didn't GO to do skiing,
I GOT to do some skiing.
There's a subtle difference there.
Do not be fooled by the chalets
that I've got. I'm still
LAUGHTER
I'm still Tezzy from the block.
I think is how that probably goes.
All right, listen, I'm going
to tell you one more joke
and then we're going to get on with
the show. That sound good?
AUDIENCE CHEERS,
TEZ CLEARS THROA
A rhetorical question.
What would you call?
That's, what would you call
an Asian archaeologist?
Indian Jones!
WEAK LAUGHTER
I didn't say it was a good joke,
did I? I didn't say,
"Here comes the best joke of
the evening," you ungrateful pigs.
LAUGHTER
Now, listen
..quick history lesson and then
we'll get on with the show.
In the year 1 BC -
that's one Before Corona.
LAUGHTER
In 2019, I was doing a comedy show
in Walsall, near Birmingham
SCATTERED CHEERS
in the West Midlands.
LAUGHTER
DISAPPROVINGLY: No, no.
No. "Walsall!"
No.
A comedy show in Walsall, near
Birmingham in the West Midlands,
and I got to the end of my set, and
I like doing that Indian Jones joke
cos it makes me laugh,
if no-one else,
and I went to tell it,
and this is what happened.
I went, "Guys,
what would you call"
That's "What would you call
an Asian archaeologist?"
And I swear to God,
I will never forget this in my life.
This guy from the back of the room
just shouts out, "Digdeep!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's funnier than what
I was going to say.
for a rainy day.
Put that deep in my pocket
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much.
That was hilarious!
Apollo, are you having a good time?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Guys, we have got an amazing
show for you today.
Two incredible comics,
two of my favourites on the circuit.
Your first act,
very good friend of mine.
Absolutely one of my favourite acts
working on the circuit today.
Please welcome to the stage,
all the way from over there,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
it's Spring Day!
# The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
# The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her ♪
Hello, Apollo people!
CROWD CHEERS
I don't know about you,
but I hate Christmas.
LAUGHTER, SCATTERED CHEERS
Reminds me too much of sex.
It does. It does,
LAUGHTER, WOMAN CHEERS
cos there's all that anticipation
and then at the end of the day,
it's just an awkward conversation
LAUGHTER
with your cousin.
Thanks for coming out, though!
It's not easy making it
in show business,
especially when you consider
everything that's gone on
with Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby
You can't look up to anybody
any more.
LAUGHTER
You'll get jizz in your eye.
Sometimes people come up to me
after shows and say,
"I don't like female comedians.
They talk about sex too much."
I say the reason why women comedians
such as myself talk about sex
all the time is because, well,
sex is one of the few things
LAUGHTER
men allow us to participate in.
I am an identical twin.
I know, I know.
SCATTERED CHEERS
I get asked, "How do people
tell you apart?"
And the answer is,
"It's pretty easy,
"cos I live in London
and she's dead."
LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
No, relax! Relax, it's fine.
She died at birth.
LAUGHTER
Which I'm absolutely OK with
cos that means
LAUGHTER
I'll always be the pretty one.
You'll be relieved to know
that being American
LAUGHTER
is not my only disability.
I actually have a very mild
form of cerebral palsy.
It's not a big deal.
In Japanese, it's called
nosei shouni mahi.
Sounds very exotic.
In French, it's called
infirmite motrice cerebrale
LAUGHTER
and sounds much more expensive.
I was going to learn
how to say it in Russian,
but Putin's not my president
any more, so
LAUGHTER
All it really means is
I can't use the muscles
on the right side of my body
very well.
Even my face, to a certain extent.
God help the man hoping for a return
on a left cheek kiss,
LAUGHTER
cos I will bite your face off.
Mostly, though it's my right
arm and hand that I can't use.
I can place most things
in my hand and hold them.
WOMAN WHOOPS, LAUGHTER
I can also give people the finger,
if you're into that sort of thing.
LAUGHTER
Just takes 20 minutes.
And when I walk,
I walk with a limp because
I like big dicks
and I cannot lie. ♪
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
My mom, she feels responsible
for my disability, because
..she is.
SNORTING
LAUGHTER
You know, I don't want you to get
the wrong idea.
I love my mother very, very much.
If it wasn't for her,
I wouldn't be a comedian
LAUGHTER
..but I would be able to use
both hands.
I moved to London five years ago,
but I've been coming to the UK
every summer
for years and years before that
CHEERING
cos I fucking love you guys!
I do!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I genuinely cannot get enough of you
and your "no can do" spirit.
LAUGHTER
Also, as a disabled person
that can't drive,
I figured out the countries
with obvious alcohol problems
have pretty decent
public transportation.
You people drink a lot!
LAUGHTER
There's been a strike going on
and I'm still getting to gigs.
LAUGHTER
That's how much you drink.
We Americans, we don't drink
as much as you.
We physically can't.
LAUGHTER
We're on too many opioids.
I don't think you guys understand
how special you are.
You are. You are something else.
I was reading this story
about this dad in the Midlands.
He's in a wheelchair with
severe multiple sclerosis.
Now, this father, for a whole year,
commuted over four hours a day,
five days a week
to a research hospital
in order for him to relearn
how to walk again
using a robotic exoskeleton.
So that he could then walk
his daughter down the aisle
..and outshine her
on her own wedding day.
What a selfish piece of shit.
LAUGHTER
SHE CHUCKLES
Travelled all over this
beautiful country of yours.
SCATTERED CHEERS
I went to Birmingham.
I love Birmingham.
Birmingham people are the nicest
people with speech impediments.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"I have an impediment."
I really I can't, I can't
complain too much,
cos, umI got married in lockdown.
I know, I know, I know,
CROWD WHOOPS
and my husband is ten years
younger than me.
CROWD WHOOPS
When we first started dating
and I told my friends about him,
LAUGHTER
a cougar
they all started calling me
..until I explained to them
that he has cerebral palsy
more severely than I do.
He has a speech impediment,
difficulty using his hands,
he needs a walker wheelchair
to get around,
and when I told my friends that,
they stopped calling me a cougar
LAUGHTER
and started calling me a vulture.
It's OK. My husband's quite a catch.
LAUGHTER
easy for me to catch.
By that, I mean he was physically
I love my husband, though.
I really do feel like we were
made for each other
by the same underqualified midwife.
LAUGHTER
Oh, don't worry about my husband.
He's a comedian, too.
Wait until you hear the shit
he says about me onstage.
You'll hear him, all right. You just
won't understand a single word.
LAUGHTER
No, we get asked questions
all the time,
and I understand why
people are curious,
but here's the thing, like
..the difference is, you know,
they want to know what it's like
with two disabled people
in the relationship,
and the answer isour pillow talk
is different than yours.
I remember one night
we were laying in bed,
and I said, "Honey,
if I slammed your dick
"..in a car door
LAUGHTER
"..could you feel it?"
And he said, "Yes, but only
when you drive away."
LAUGHTER
Being the less disabled one
in the couple,
it gets awkward, you know,
cos people don't automatically
assume we're together.
You know, they think I'm his nurse
or his prostitute
..depending on how I'm dressed
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
his wallet out of his pocket.
and whether or not I'm taking
But it bothers me when people
don't assume we're together,
especially when we're on a date.
Right?
One time we're out on the town,
all dressed up,
celebrating the anniversary
of our first kiss,
having a fantastic time,
until we cross this guy
getting off his motorcycle.
The guy gets off his motorcycle,
winks at me and goes,
"Hey, when you're done here,
you want to go get a drink?"
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
I was so angry.
I got so furious!
I threw my arm around my husband
and I went, "Hey, honey.
"Remember when we used to
ride motorcycles?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"Times were good
before the accident,
LAUGHTER
"weren't they?"
My husband loves that joke.
I love making my husband laugh.
It gives him something fun to do
while he's inside me.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Getting bored!
Now, here's the thing.
I get so upset when people
are patronising towards my husband,
but I get even more upset
when I realise I'm not helping.
For example, when we first
started dating,
my husband often caught colds,
so one day we're getting ready
to go to the park and it's chilly,
so I made him wear the only thing
I had that fit him to keep him warm,
which was my Mickey Mouse hoodie.
Not realising putting an obviously
physically disabled man in
a bright pink Mickey Mouse hoodie
significantly lowers
LAUGHTER
his mental abilities.
people's expectations of
LAUGHTER
And he fucking loved it!
We're walking through
this park, right,
and this woman with two small
children comes up to us,
gets in my husband's face
and says
BABY TALK:
"Who likes a walk in the park?"
LAUGHTER
"Who likes a walk in the park?"
I didn't say anything at first
because I genuinely, I genuinely
wasn't sure if she thought my
husband was mentally challenged
..or if she was mentally challenged
and thought my husband was a puppy.
LAUGHTER
But right before I was about to
set her straight,
my husband steps in front of me
and just devours my face
SHE GURGLES
in a big sloppy kiss. Just
Right? Right? I open my eyes.
I see this woman
absolutely horrified,
turning her children away from us.
At which point my husband
pulls back and goes,
LAUGHTER
"You're my favourite sister!"
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
horrifying you tonight.
Well, I have enjoyed
Seriously, this is a dream
I never allowed myself to dream,
and you have made it come true.
Thank you so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Goodnight.
CROWD CHEERS
Spring Day!
Apollo, are you having fun?
We've got one more amazing act
CROWD CHEERS
for you tonight. Are you ready for
your final act of the evening?
CROWD CHEERS
Please welcome to the stage
the amazing Ignacio Lopez!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CROWD CHEERS
Buenas tardes! Hello!
It is an absolute pleasure
to be here
..is what I would be saying
if it wasn't such an insufferable
shithole. All right?
I just want to get that
out of the way.
Not this place.
This venue's amazing.
I just mean London in general, OK?
LAUGHTER, SINGLE CHEER
I'm joking. Anyone in from London?
Yes!
CROWD CHEERS
Folks, relax. I'm joking, right?
I do that joke everywhere,
all right? Honestly, I do.
I've done it in Manchester,
I've done it in Liverpool,
I've done it in Cardiff, Glasgow,
and they all agree that London
is a shithole, all right?
LAUGHTER
They all say this to me.
Every one of them.
It's cool, man. No, I call it a
shithole, but I'm joking around, OK?
You need to realise,
I come from Mallorca.
CHEERING
Do we all know Mallorca?
Beautiful sunshine,
beautiful beaches.
Mallorca is a shithole.
It is. Mallorca's a shithole
LAUGHTER
because it is completely filled
with British people.
I've actually been back and forth
my whole life.
I've got a very mixed family.
So my mum is actually
half Welsh, half Irish, OK?
Croeso. Welcome to the party.
SCATTERED CHEERS
I've got I've got
an Irish grandfather.
LAUGHTER
grandfather, by the way
I know everyone's got an Irish
..because Ireland's biggest export
is grandfathers. All right?
I appreciate that.
My dad is half Spanish,
half Moroccan.
He grew up in Meknes in Morocco,
moved up from northern Africa
to Spain. That's where
I was born, all right?
In Mallorca. Yeah, Moroccan dad.
I've got a half-German sister.
Yeah, I'm not making this up.
I've got a half-German sister
cos my father really likes
sleeping around.
LAUGHTER
All right? That is a fact.
She found me on the internet.
I didn't know she existed, right?
She found me on the internet.
I was 18 years of age.
She got in touch with me. "Ignacio,
I don't know if you know this,
"but I am your sister from Berlin."
LAUGHTER
I was like, "Oh, my God. Block!"
Are you kidding me?
Christmas is expensive enough
as it is, all right?
German sister! Call me up when
you're a Nigerian prince, OK?
That's who we need
in our family right now.
Sort this shit out.
I've been back and forth forever,
guys.
It's weird because people
used to pick on me
when I used to visit, right? I used
to come to the UK quite young.
Six years of age, first time
I came to the UK.
Every summer holiday, we'd always
come to the UK, all right?
My family would always
come to visit.
Give me a cheer if you've been
on holiday to Spain.
Yes!
CHEERING
Can you imagine that shit
in reverse?
LAUGHTER
It's pretty bloody depressing,
to be honest with you!
The kids used to take the piss
out of me when I visited, right?
Six years of age, they used to laugh
at me for a bunch of reasons. One
is Ignacio is a very difficult name
for Welsh people to pronounce
because, in Wales, they have
much easier names.
LAUGHTER
No, they do. I don't even mean the
long ones like Llewellyn or Geraint.
The most popular guys' name
in Wales, right, is Dai.
D-A-I, Dai.
It's an abbreviation of Dafydd or
David and you get called Dai.
Now, I didn't know this was a name
when I got to Wales.
I just thought they were
really bloody aggressive.
LAUGHTER
"How are you doing, pal?
I'm Ignacio."
"Die." "All right!
"I think I know which way you vote
in the referendum.
"I'm going to stand
over here now." Dai!
You don't even have to be called
David to be called Dai in Wales.
It's a nickname they give to people
and then they tag on a profession
at the end of it. So say,
for instance, you are a carpenter.
Chippy is a term for carpenter cos
British people bloody love chips.
All right? Dai Chippy.
I swear, every town in Wales
has got a guy called Dai Chippy.
All right? To sort out
your carpentry needs.
If you need an electrician, you can
call up a guy called Dai Sparks.
Sparky, term for electrician.
LAUGHTER
Every town in Wales has got
a guy called Dai Sparks.
If you need some insurance,
you can call up DAI-rect Line.
OK? There's one for everything
LAUGHTER
..is what I'm trying to say.
Yeah, we got a pun on our hands,
ladies and gentlemen.
That was That was a bit of
wordplay this evening, all right?
We don't actually do puns in Spain.
We're too busy enjoying ourselves.
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
But you people seem to like it.
I'll make some fun for everyone.
Welsh kids would laugh at me
for a bunch of reasons, OK?
Also, because we had
different toys growing up.
The Welsh kids had Star Wars toys.
CHEERING
We all know Star Wars?
Of course we do.
It's a cultural phenomenon.
They've been making those movies
since the '70s.
Disney have bought it.
Now the merchandise is everywhere.
The Welsh kids had Star Wars toys.
I had the cheap Spanish knock-offs.
I did. I was in the corner
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
playing with Juan Solo.
They laughed at me just like this.
That hurts my feelings, all right?
I'd be there with Juan Solo,
be like, "What are you laughing at?"
They said, "It's Han Solo,
you idiot. Han Solo.
"What's that little
dustbin-looking thing, Ignacio?"
"R-dos-D-dos.
LAUGHTER
"You don't know R-dos-D-dos?"
"You call him Arturo? Bee-boop-boop.
You don't know this character?"
They said, "No, Ignacio. It's R2-D2.
LAUGHTER
"Why is he wearing a sombrero?"
I say, "Listen to me.
You can't make fun of this."
My favourite one, I pull it out.
Don Vader.
They look at me like I'm nuts.
LAUGHTER
"Ignacio, why does he have a red
cape?" I said, "He fights bulls."
"Space bulls."
LAUGHTER
"Did we see a different film or
something? What's going on?"
They said, "No, Ignacio, you idiot.
It's not Don Vader.
"Everyone knows it's Dai Vader.
You're in Wales now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"Get on board, all right?"
Thank you, guys.
You don't have to applaud.
These are just excellent jokes,
expertly told, all right? Relax.
Take a night off.
Enjoy yourselves, all right?
You've got different animals
in the UK, all right?
You've got animals we don't
have in Mallorca.
A little island, Mallorca. We don't
have the same animals as you've got.
You've got an animal over here
called a badger.
Are you familiar with the badger?
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
I'm not making this up, right?
CHEERING
Badger. You all know what I'm
talking about? You don't know it,
but you're a massive badger fan
up in the top corner there
for some reason. Now, we don't have
badgers in Mallorca.
The Welsh kids would laugh at me
because I was just calling
them zebra dogs.
LAUGHTER
What are you making up bloody
animals for now as well, all right?
It's bad enough in Wales.
Fictional animal on the flag, OK?
Red dragon looks amazing. Now you've
got this Wind in the Willows rubbish
LAUGHTER
running round your countryside.
This Pepe Le Pew panda-looking
son of a bitch,
LAUGHTER
to expect any more!
I don't know what the hell
Stop making shit up!
HE CHUCKLES
I've been trying to fit in
my whole life in the UK, right?
Every time I came over,
even as a kid, all right?
The thing I've found out,
the way to fit in in the UK,
LAUGHTER
I've had to become an alcoholic.
You guys love a drink, don't you?
All right? You do.
You guys drink so much, it's your
fault the Spanish economy is shit.
It is. We came up with
this great idea, right?
We came up with the
all-inclusive holiday.
We thought to ourselves,
"There is no way"
"..no way
LAUGHTER
"..they can drink more than
they've paid for this holiday."
ladies and gentlemen?
We were bloody wrong, weren't we,
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Drank us dry, you mental bastards.
You love a drink.
You drink so much, you've got
different terms for it, all right?
You do a thing in the UK
called pre-drinks.
Pre-drinks, all right?
LAUGHTER
Some people call it prinks,
cos they don't even have time
to pronounce the whole word
before they get on it, all right?
Pre-drinks.
LAUGHTER
I had no idea what it was.
I had to ask my friend.
I was like, "Dai, what the hell
are pre-drinks?"
He said, "Ignacio, it's great."
"We drink at home
before we go out to go drinking."
LAUGHTER
I said, "That is the stupidest shit
I've ever heard in my life."
I said, "Why would you do this?"
LAUGHTER
He said, "You know, just to warm
up, to get ready to go drinking."
LAUGHTER
I said, "That doesn't make
any sense, all right?"
You don't do it for anything else,
do you? You don't go,
"Ah, we're going to go
to the cinema.
"Pop a fucking DVD in
before we go to the cinema."
Doesn't make sense!
Just fire up the old Netflix
and do shots of popcorn,
it's made before we go
down to the cinema.
Craziness.
Everything revolves
around booze, OK?
People in this country start
drinking around about 13, 14 years
of age. Does that feel about right?
SINGLE WHOOP
13, 14. Some of you, depending
on where you're from, younger.
Some of you older, all right?
I get that.
But I came over,
I visited as a teenager
and I found out the way it works,
all right? I was trying to fit in
and they were like,
"Right, what we're going to do,
"we're going to go down drinking
in the park, all right?
"We're going to go drinking in
the park as teenagers, all right?"
It was like, "Right." They go,
"We're going to steal booze
"from our parents and we're going
to go down the park, all right?"
Like, "OK, no problem," so
I showed up to the park, all right,
LAUGHTER
something in my backpack.
feeling like Jason Bourne or
Pull out the stuff, all right?
"What's in there?"
They were like,
"What the hell is Ree-oh-jah?"
LAUGHTER
I'm like, "It's Rioja. Does anyone
have a corkscrew, actually?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
going to be here for a while."
"Because otherwise we're
The thing is, like, kids do that,
and if they can't steal the booze
from their parents,
what they do is they'll stand by
an off-licence, all right?
And they will wait
for somebody to walk past
LAUGHTER
who looks just dodgy enough
..but not too dodgy so they can
offer their money and go,
"Hey, can you go in the shop for me
and pick me up some beer,
"some vodka or whatever, we can
go down, drink in the park?"
That person will go get the cash and
then you go there, you get
shit-faced as teenagers.
It bonds you, OK? It brings you
together. At least that was my
experience, OK, back in the day.
But times have changed.
All right? I went to back where
my mother is from, OK?
My mother's from a little town in
Wales called Pontardawe, all right?
Don't know if anyone's heard of it.
Tiny little town, Pontardawe.
Pontardawe is a Welsh word,
all right? Pont means bridge,
and "ardawe" means "over
a shithole." OK? It's not a
It's not a delightful place to
move to from Mallorca, is
what I'm trying to say, all right?
My mother hates that joke.
She's like, "Ignacio,
please stop doing that.
"They've taken all of the trolleys
out of the canal, all right?
LAUGHTER
"Can we?"
But I was visiting and I was
walking to see my mother
and I passed an off-licence, OK,
and there's this kid
stood by the off-licence
as I'm passing, all right?
And he clocks me and I've got
my guitar on my shoulder,
LAUGHTER
got no prospects."
so he's thinking, "This guy's
So he comes over to me
with his cash, all right?
Like, "Hey, could you maybe
go in the shop?"
I know where this is going.
"Can you pop in the shop?"
I'm like, "Right."
"If I give you this money"
I'm like, "Yep."
"..and get me some" I was like,
"I know where we're going."
LAUGHTER
And he goes, "..vape."
I was like, "What?" He goes, "Vape."
I said, "Seriously, vape?" "Yeah."
I said, "What flavour?"
He said, "Cherry."
I was like, "Of course! Cherry vape.
All right. Rock and roll!"
I go in the shop.
I'm laughing to myself.
I can't believe this kid's
asked me for cherry vape.
How times have changed, all right?
I go up to the counter.
The guy behind the counter must have
thought I was insane, all right?
I'm laughing the whole way
through the shop.
I grab the stuff, pay for it,
put it in the bag.
I walk out.
I'm laughing on the way out.
I give the kid the bag.
I go, "There you go, pal.
"20 Marlboro Red and a bottle of
vodka. Grow up, you little shit!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
What is this vape nonsense?
HE CHUCKLES
Guys, I've got some exciting news
to share with you
before I get out of here.
I'm going to be a father.
CHEERING
I know. Appreciate it. Thank you.
Not in the immediate future.
I'm just very fertile.
It's kind of guaranteed
LAUGHTER
at some point I will procreate,
all right?
Just going by my dad and all.
I do joke around a lot
but, you know, there's stuff
I love about the UK, all right?
For instance, the UK has
beautiful women, all right?
CHEERING
Beautiful women in the UK. Yeah.
Unfortunately, because of Brexit,
they have to piss off home.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's a good joke, right?
"He's paying us a compliment."
"No, he's taking the piss again!
Goddamn it."
Folks, this has been an absolute
dream come true for some of you.
LAUGHTER
I do appreciate that.
Thank you so much for coming out.
I've been Ignacio Lopez.
Take care. Gracias. Ciao.
Adios. Croeso.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Ignacio Lopez!
How brilliant was that?
Apollo, have you had a good evening?
CHEERING
One more time for everyone
that you saw today.
You saw Spring Day
..and Ignacio Lopez!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I was Tez Ilyas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Goodnight! Allah bless you all.
Thank you so much!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE