American Dad s17e08 Episode Script

1 Isn't this nice? It feels good knowing the only thing going on in our lives right now is a new loose leaf tea kettle.
After the year we had, I could get used to these low-key days.
I love you, F-F-F Fire station open houses! Oh! Oh! Fire station open house, Francine! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! Aaaaaah! Where are you going? Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Good job.
Put out that fire.
I found the horn! Aw, man, these are great.
So, we've gone over some basic fire safety.
Are there any questions? Why is fire so hot? Dumb.
Dumb question.
Uh, maybe because it's burning.
Okay, folks, get your raffle tickets out.
Time to see who'll be Langley's - Honorary Firefighter! - Wait, what did he say? The winner will get to spend a week hanging with us, learning, and maybe even go on the truck to a real fire.
There's a raffle? But I didn't buy a ticket.
Wait, please let this pancake be my ticket.
Who has 31? 31? I think that's me.
Now that you've threaded your needle, you'll need to bring the point down and through the canvas.
Down and - Outta my way! - Ow! What the hell?! Stan, you're really redefining the concept of "open kitchen.
" I will swallow you whole.
Whoa, talk about an open kitch No, Hayley, don't! Why, Dad, why?! He's having a meltdown because I won some raffle to spend a week with the Fire Department.
I've always longed to be a firefighter, and I was so close, until a certain sexy little Benedict Arnold hypnotized me with her long legs into forgetting there was a raffle.
Oh, grow up.
You've been like this since the day we got married.
A highly sexual and reasonable man? A man who overreacts when he doesn't get his way.
Oh, and I suppose you'd call this an overreaction.
Hayley, turn on the stove.
Steve, time me.
Fire! Can I just say that I have a needle inside me?! Whoa! - Time.
- Enough, Stan.
I'm obviously gonna give you the raffle ticket.
Do you mean it? I get to go fire-manning? Yeah, Stan, I just hope it makes you happy.
Oh, it does, Francine.
It really does.
Hey, thanks for helping me present this environmental report.
I-I get so nervous speaking in public.
No, thank you, Hayley.
For showing me what's really going on in this town.
These corporations.
These sleazeballs.
These thugs.
Stop spitting on me! Next up, Uncle Roger? The topic of biodiversity loss and its effect on local grasslands and mangroves.
Oof, now I'm nervous.
You got this.
Alright, trees in the park, blah blah blah.
Cut 'em all down, I say.
Here's the real deal.
The ancient art of Knife Throwing.
God damn it.
I am Rudolfo Mayerling.
After years spent quietly perfecting my craft and in court with a badly wounded assistant I am here to announce a two-night performance in which I will present the most daring act ever put to stage.
And for the big finish of my presentation Ohh! Flyers for my show.
Oh, wait, I grabbed the wrong stack.
High school air guitar competition? Oh, damn, I could win that.
Anyway, come to my knife show.
You know, Klaus, I'm a patient woman, but it's like they're not even trying to resurrect the World's Fair.
Oh, it's our little firefighter.
- Hi, honey.
- Not good, actually.
It's not like my dreams at all.
I thought it would be 60% fighting fires and the other half shooting the breeze.
But they got me cookin' casseroles 'round the clock, and I think they're bullying me.
Unless, is, "Hurry up, casser-hole" a compliment? Aw, God, I knew it.
The only thing I get to do is drive the truck Really? That sounds amazing.
Can I finish? Can I finish? I can only use it to go to Trader Joe's for more casserole ingredients.
Well, Stan, you could always just not do any of this.
Quit? I knew you wouldn't get it.
Thank God I'm here, surrounded by my real friends.
Alright, I gotta go.
The guys put a shit-ton of IcyHot on my balls and anus.
So, what do we need to get to fix the kitchen? Plaster, some primer, three people that know what they're doing.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's a firetruck, okay? Wow, they really do send him here.
You can't park that here! Gimme a break.
I just need 10 spots in a row to open up.
Ugh, great.
You know he's gonna bring home all that frustration and drag us down with him.
They should just let him put out a fire.
Throw him a bone, ya know? That might be what we all need.
Mind cracking the window if you A little fire is all he needs.
- This'll do.
- And I know I've got matches in here somewhere.
Phone.
Brick.
- What up, Franny-y-y-y! - Got 'em.
Hi.
Oh, my.
Stan! I-I Aye aye aye is right.
That fire was hot.
And I put it out.
Did you see? I'm a firefighter.
That felt.
So good.
Yeah, it - did.
- I wanna do it again.
- I need to.
- Me, too.
What? I'm a hero.
I know that! These are now honks of support! And since I put the fire out and got the casserole fixings maple bacon sweet potato for the win, beyotch the whole team said I'm one of them now.
More Crêpes Suzette, anyone? No, thank you.
I'm gonna get to go on calls for actual fires.
Opa! Okay, I'd better shove off.
Walk me to the door, my beloveds? - Sure.
- You got it, Pops.
Alright, lady, what's the deal? I saw your face after you started that fire.
Did you like it? No! I-I dunno.
There was something about striking the match, seeing the flame grow and become so untamed.
I did feel this release.
And you saw Stan.
If it's not doing any harm and makes things better around here He was pleasant just now.
So long as it doesn't become a destructive fixation for you, which I'm seeing no warning signs of yet, this could be a classic two birds one stone situation.
Aren't those the best? Like how cigarettes taste good and suppress your appetite to keep you skinny.
Yes! Yes.
A wonderful comparison to a wonderful product.
For years, my knife throwing peers have bored us with displays of sticking the knife's tip within a fraction of an inch of their subject.
- Can we go? - We live here.
Tonight, I will debut the mark of the "Artful Wound.
" For a true master does not miss.
But cuts and draws a single.
Drop.
Of blood.
Sa-sah! Oh, shit.
Okay, this is gonna be bad.
My assistant Benny.
Let's begin.
Knife man! Damn it.
Pop dat! Whoa! Teeee'yop Corner! Left-handed! Bank Shot! Buncha knives at once! Benny, stop flinching, it's making me nervous.
- Roger.
- Oh, hey, Steve.
Stop doing this.
Oh, don't worry.
This is all part of the act.
They don't want to see perfection.
They want to think something could go wrong.
People are so sick.
Now for my final throw of the evening.
I present the Artful Wound.
Shame! Shame on you! This is gonna be insane.
Aaaaaah! Ooh, baby! No one'll miss this thing.
Oh! A barn out in the boonies? The heck happened? Chief, this wrapper looks just like the one from the Dumpster fire I put out.
I kept this as a souvenir.
Could it have been the same person? Great instincts, Stan.
What else do you see? - See? - In the patterns.
Me? Read fire patterns? Okay um this spot tells me she's a woman? A mother? Um, overshadowed by a bigger personality at home.
She's always making sacrifices.
Well, we can all see the surface patterns.
Go deeper.
Drinks to cope, but it's not doing the job anymore.
She's adopted, fell down a well as a child, stints in acting, body building, muffin sales, had her vagina displayed in a museum That one's just obvious.
And by the looks of it, she's just getting started.
But so.
Am.
I.
It could also be a guy, I guess.
Only you, baby Can put out this fire Only you, baby Can put out this fire Burning in my soul Only you, baby Casseroles.
Can put out this fire Only you, baby Francine! What are you doing here? Um l-looking for this.
In any event, I'm glad you're here to see me in action.
There's an arsonist on the loose and I'm the lead investigator.
They're letting you move up fast.
Yeah, it's honestly pretty concerning.
I've done zero training.
But that won't stop me from catching this crook.
Nothing will.
Though the chapter of my life as a firefighter is ending, and so soon after declaring that nothing would stop me from catching the arsonist, I cherish the fact that the memories and friends I made along the way are forever.
Firefighters number three and number one especially.
You must be relieved.
Now that Stan's retiring, you can, too.
Retire? I'm sure he'll still wanna put some out.
I'll keep the fires going just to be safe.
Francine, you have a problem.
This is going to be a joke, but please don't laugh.
You're playing with fire.
Hey, Stan, what was your favorite fire from this week? Oh, man, there were so many.
The old barn, the old go-kart park, the match factory.
There were so many, and more to come.
Where you going, honey? I'm about to hand off the arson case to the new volunteer for next week.
Yeah-yeah-yeah, great.
I gotta run.
We need more stuff for the crap.
Francine, you dropped What happened to your dress? Isn't it obvious? I'm tearing off pieces, shovin' 'em in a bottle of vodka, and using it to start fires.
Wait, no.
She was really saying real.
Oh, makin' those flames grow You know I gotta start those in-fer-nos But watch me maintain, cuz a Franny like me Is to-tally sane I'm sane in the membrane I'm sane, in my brains Okay, that was K-97's "Beats with no lyrics, so you can freestyle rap in the car" Tuesdays.
Up next, a Latin Trap Beat Helloooo.
You're the arsonist.
How could you? Well, it started because I wanted to help you, like usual.
But then it awakened something irresistible in me.
So what, you have some kind of freak fire fetish now? Do you dress in all black leather bondage outfits? With nothing covering your privates but, like, strips of tape? Cracking flaming whips and, uh Sorry, I need a second.
Listen, I know "society" doesn't like "serial arsonists.
" So once I complete my masterpiece, where it all began, I'll be done.
But more likely I'll do it forever 'cause I love it.
Turn back now, or I'm turning you in.
Ha! You're funnier than Ray Romano.
You don't even know where I'll be.
Wait.
"Where it all began"? Oh, my God.
It must be Who are you talkin' to, Stan? Was it the arsonist? - How'd she get your number? - Um Stan, if you know something Uhhhh Spit it out, numb nuts.
We have to hurry.
She's gonna burn down the firehouse.
- The firehouse?! - Hey! Thanks for the invite to your little cookout.
Real cool to see that going on right outside my window! Anyway, I will now shock and dazzle you with a grand Knife Throwing finale.
First, I will need a volunteer.
Yes, you in the back.
Oh, hey, Roger.
Want to see this cute baby owl video? Hey, let go of my hand.
Hey! Roger, stop it.
Let go! This isn't funny.
I'm not wearing that.
Ow! Roger, please Ow! What are you doing?! Roger.
Seriously.
Stop.
I'm begging you! I'm just a child! Nooooooooooooo! Now, my Grand Finale part one.
Stop this! Denise, you need to get here right now.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! I'm alive.
The Artful Wound.
The Mark of the Master.
Thank you, thank you.
- Now, the true Finale.
- Wait, what? See, my act was always about holding a mirror up to you, the audience, and your sordid cravings.
Look under your seats.
Some of you will find a knife.
I invite you now to face your darkest desire, if you dare.
By throwing a knife at me.
Ow.
Ow! Ow.
Uhp.
Ow.
Wow, that's a lotta knives hitting me.
Don't remember putting this many under the seats.
Uhp, okay, some of you clearly brought knives from home.
Oh, I can't wait to bust this sicko.
- She's a monster! - An animal! She's human! She's hurting.
And I love her.
I wanna spray her with water so friggin' bad! - Yeah! - Yeah! No fire.
What's goin' on? Borrowing this.
Guys if he doesn't bring that back we'll have to close the fire station.
This feels good.
But not the most good.
I may have to burn a person next.
- Francine! - Aah! Well, hello to you, too.
How'd you even know I'd be here? You said "where it all began," plus the Ray Romano jab.
That could only mean one thing You were going to the place where we got married.
Aah! Uhh! I booked our wedding at my dream venue Knee Slapperz Comedy Club, but Ray Romano showed up five minutes before to do a surprise set, and we got bumped.
Yeah, and you had a meltdown.
But you scrambled and found this place.
You decorated the bins, filled them with ice a family of raccoons were the flower girls.
Aah! Ta-daaa! Whoa! It's too late, Stan.
I can't stop.
Of course you can.
You only became an arsonist because I pushed you toward it all these years.
Arsonist is such an ugly term.
We prefer Friend of the Flame.
Or fire [BLEEP.]
I need to learn how to handle my disappointment myself, or at least take it out on the kids.
You do take it out on the kids.
I could do it more.
Oh, Stan.
Thank you.
To be clear though, this is messed up, what you're doing, and I think you should see a doctor in addition to me being, like, more attentive.
Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah, totes.
How are we gonna get out of here? Baby, all you do is sacrifice for me.
It's time I repay the favor.
We're gonna leave exactly how we did on our wedding day.
Except this time, I'm going to carry you.
There's people in there! Someone help them! There they are! They're okay! - Ohhhh! - Ohhhh! He's not okay! He's in terrible shape! He's gonna say something! Bye! Have a great time!