Celebrity Juice (2008) s17e08 Episode Script

1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh! There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice on't telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's Thursday night.
This is where your weekend starts.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You look good.
Thank you very much.
I tell you what, your shoulders are fucking winking at me.
Are they? I would definitely do a shit on both of them.
What a lovely thought.
Holly, who is on your team? Well, on my right, he is my TV husband and favourite person in the world.
It's Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, it's TOWIE lovers, Tommie and Georgia! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You're like a sexy lesbickan, aren't you? You always look good.
You are, like, renowned for your fashion, aren't you? I don't know.
No, she is, isn't she? Most people that dress as a clown can't get away with it.
You can.
I know.
It's weird seeing your head.
Where is your hat? Your hair is so long now.
Pull it straight.
It's so long.
I've got no plan for it, really.
Are you growing it so you can plait it with your arse-beard? Plait it in? (APPLAUSE) Holly, that was a good one.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, it's our Geordie pet, Chris Ramsey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, it's our dancing king.
It's Ore Oduba! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Before we go any further, I have got some serious news here.
Gino has been captured by Brexit.
He has been deported, unfortunate for him.
There he is.
We want him back, so #FreeGino.
If you can do that, hopefully we will get him back for next week.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! The glitteriest balls in showbiz.
He won Strictly Come Dancing.
It's none other than Ore A-Biscuit-And-A-Duvet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is a new one.
That is a new one.
I say, I say.
You like the posh fellows, don't you? I do, yes.
He has even got a posh laugh.
(VERY POSH SLURRING) Sometimes I don't even say the words.
(CONVERSING IN POSH GIBBERISH) Did you go to boarding school? I did go to boarding school, but I didn't board.
Did you play the sneaky game that they all like to play at boarding school? Yes.
You have to.
Oh, you have to! Don't burp, I don't like the smell of jism.
(NORMAL VOICE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
You are a virgin.
This is my first time.
I have patched up every orifice.
Careful, she will stick her cock in anything.
That is good to know.
Thank you.
You won Strictly Come Dancing.
Yes, I did.
There is a picture of you there.
Aww! Look at you.
You said that doing the training for Strictly gave your penis an absolute beating.
Was that because Louise Redknapp was just over there so you were like Cos she's still got it, hasn't she? Louise is a good friend.
She is like a little hotdog in a wig.
You are the king of the backhanded compliment.
In the dressing room, he told us my hair was "nearly normal now".
I liked it when it was fun.
It just looks like you have grown up.
Yours looks like, you know the main orc on Lord of the Rings? Yeah? You look like that one with the big white hand on its face.
Oh, fuck you! (APPLAUSE) Have you ever considered a wind machine, Keith? Pardon? Have you ever considered a wind machine? What, to wank in? It has got many uses.
That is crazy.
I thought you were normal but you are a bit crazy, aren't you? He didn't say the word masturbate then.
You heard the word masturbate.
He never said masturbate.
You were swinging your hair.
You said jizz on This Morning.
You did! You said jizz.
I did.
During the cookery section and you just said jizz.
I know, because you were picking out a yolk of an egg using a bottle, doing that.
And you went, "Urgh! Jizz!" You did.
I didn't mean to say that.
What I meant to say was What did you mean to say? I meant to say, "Oh, Jaysus!" And I thought, you can't really say Jesus on telly.
Oh, but you can say jizz (!) (APPLAUSE) But on a serious note, Oreo Biscuit, you did get fit.
You did post a picture of your fitness but you said you were totally embarrassed about.
Let's have a look at the picture.
How embarrassing is that picture (?) You piece of shit.
If you were so embarrassed of it, why did you put it up? I was embarrassed afterwards.
Why didn't you delete it, then? Because Iactually quite like it.
It's good.
You are a married man, aren't you? I am.
We have got a picture of you together with your missus.
(WOLF-WHISTLING) Yes.
Wit-woo indeed.
You must be the only man on Strictly that goes home and wanks over their wife and not their dance partner.
No, because it's renowned for it, isn't it? There's a lot of, "Oh, we are just friends! We're just dancing!" There is a lot of, on that show, isn't there? There has been a history.
But do you know what? I am very lucky to have a lovely wife.
It would be a dishonour if you wouldn't just say for me, call her bang tidy.
What's her name? Portia.
(POSH ACCENT) Portia, you are bang tidy.
(APPLAUSE) I can go home now.
That was everything I wanted.
(POSH ACCENT) Portia.
I'll smash your back doors in.
Call a carpenter, I'm gonna fucking blow them right off.
Hey, it's Tommie and Georgia from TOWIE! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here we go.
Here we go, Timmy Mallet.
So, it's exciting.
You two are the longest couple in TOWIE so far.
Three years, you have been together.
Yeah.
We are the only couple that has never split up.
Wow.
That's a round of applause.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
What do you think the secret of your success is in staying together? Georgia.
Rules.
You set rules? Yeah.
Like, "If you wanna go out with me, here's the rules"? Yeah.
You come with a handbook? It works! Girls wanna buy the book.
Is it true you wrote the rules down and said, "This is the contract"? Yes.
I made him sign it and everything.
Did you? Did you hear him than? "Did you? No, you fucking didn't!" Did I sign it? You did sign it.
I thought it was verbal.
What's on it? You know, like, normal rules.
You know if you go out with a friend, answer the phone.
Is a rule? Yeah.
A simple rule that makes me not feel like a nutter.
I get a bit psycho.
So the rule is, he has to answer the phone?/ Yeah.
Things like that.
You know what does make you feel like a nutter? Writing rules down.
It works! APPLAUSE) What are the repercussions if you doesn't pick up the phone? What happens? He gets dumped.
Really?! It's that simple.
If he doesn't pick up the phone? That weren't in the rules! It was.
Did you break the rules? You are so lucky.
This has just been total fucking fluke! You had a big bust-up recently with James Locke.
Who is that (?) AUDIENCE: Oooh! What happened? Him off TOWIE.
Apparently you called him a six-foot bitch and a prick.
Oh, yeah, I did say that! Yes, yes.
How did you forget that? "You are a six-foot bitch AND a prick.
" Are you not friends now? (SIGHS) No? Still? Do you know what? I couldn't even tell you.
We finished filming a few weeks ago.
I guess you only remember the script for a little bit and then it goes.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know what? Me and him have got a bit of a funny relationship.
That is just the way we talk to each other.
Is it banter? I think sometimes you just get the hump with people, don't you? I say things without thinking.
How would you feel, filming with a bunch of wankers for six months? What, all of TOWIE are a bunch of wankers? AUDIENCE: Ooh! Not all of them.
Exclusive! (APPLAUSE) It's the king of telly, Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right then, come on.
What have you got? Philip, normally you are sat on a sofa.
Are you more comfortable behind a desk so Holly can touch you up? She has got her hands on the desk.
I have to keep my hands here just to contain myself.
Because you are so tempted? No, because that is in our rules.
You have recently interviewed Prince Philip.
Yes.
That must have been exciting.
Yes.
There he is.
That is what he looks like the wings around his face.
(POSH ACCENT) He speaks a little bit like you do.
You mean Oreo Biscuits? He can be occasionally a little cantankerous.
Sometimes, I wonder, is he so well spoken and posh that you can't tell what he is saying (MUMBLES IN POSH ACCENT) The trouble is, when you ask him a question and he is rather cross, he will just say, "Fuck off!" Recently, someone This Morning made a very special tribute to you guys.
Yeah.
A fan of This Morning had their buttocks tattooed with your faces.
Yes! How bizarre was that? Did we have a butt cheek each? Here we are.
Yes! Wow.
I tell you what, it's a good job he hadn't had a mucky wipe.
You'd both have little 'taches.
Do you wipe horizontally?! "Get out of me, you!" But what did you think of that when you saw it? I was really flattered.
It's so bizarre.
Oh! I thought it was good.
If you met him now, what would you say to him? Show me your arse.
Well, you can say it to his face.
Please welcome Matt, everyone! No! # 'THIS IS YOUR LIFE' THEME How are you doing? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Is this for real? Is it really you? Hello! Hello.
Shit! Can we see your bum? So many questions for you.
What is your name and where do you come from? I am Matthew Wood and I am from Stockton on Tees.
And what is your aspirations and hopes for the future? Fuckin' anything that comes my way.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Were you pissed? I was when I decided to do it, yes.
Do you regret it? No.
Are you happy that we are on your arse? Yeah.
More Holly.
Of course.
Let's have a look.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is nice, isn't it? I need a selfie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We love that.
That is so cool.
Why don't we do a link for This Morning with Arse Holly and Arse Philip? Oh, talk? Yeah, yeah.
We will give Arse Holly and Arse Philip the voices.
# 'THIS MORNING' THEME Hello and welcome to This Morning.
(LAUGHTER) Coming up on the show today, we will be talking talking about sausage rolls and meeting the lady with seven breasts.
As well as all that, Gino D'Acampo will be making delicious doughballs.
Mmm! Great show, Holly.
How about we have a little kiss? Oh, good idea! (APPLAUSE) Matt from Stockton on Tees, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CACKLES) Oreo Biscuit.
Yes? You recently filled in for Phillip Schofield on This Morning.
How was that experience for you? It was lovely.
Philip was kind enough to let me sit where his bum once was.
You went down well with the fans, didn't you? There is a headline here.
"Watch out, Phillip Schofield.
Oreo Biscuit Oduba stands in on This Morning and the viewers demand he becomes a regular presenter.
" That is very kind.
Look at Schofield's face! Do you are we get worried when someone else fills in for you? No.
We even have a letter, a package as such, from the This Morning bosses.
Oh! Oh, yeah? It says, "Hello, Mr Lemon.
Mr Oreo Biscuit recently guest presented on This Morning and did a really good job.
We love Philip but he is coming up to retirement age now.
Now we can't decide if we should extend his contract or give the job to Mr A-Duvet.
" I think the only way to decide who should continue presenting This Morning is to play a game of (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Battle Chips, sponsored by This Morning.
Let's meet our two contestants tonight.
Playing is no other than Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He will be battling against Ore A-Duvet! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Enter the circle of truth.
Place your hands behind your backs.
You will protect the chips that are up your nose whilst trying to knock out the chips from your opponent's nose.
The winner will be the person that knocks both chips out of the other person's nose first.
OK.
Remember, you are not only playing for points for your team.
You are playing to win the accolade of presenter of This Morning.
OK, are you ready? You will go on the klaxon.
Let's play Battle Chips.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) It's a gentlemen's game.
Nice and equally.
They are like two swans, aren't they? Two swans.
This is really weird.
Stay in the ring.
Stay in the ring.
Ah! That's it, Schofield.
Use your ears if you need to.
Stay in the ring.
Stay in the ring.
We have stuck our chips right up there.
They are so deep.
The nice thing about this is the chip will already have salt and vinegar on it.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Nice! No one takes the chip from the Schofe.
(ECHOING) No one takes the chip from the Schofe.
Oh! Oh! # FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Two Tribes (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, my God.
That means that Phillip Schofield is going to host This Morning forever! Sign the contract.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What an opportunity.
Schofield is still the presenter of This Morning, and the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are gonna go to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after the break Phil and Holly's team set off! Underneath the slide.
Whoops! It's Schofield.
He wants the sweet, sweet chicken.
Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Are you having a good time? Yeah! Are you having a good time? Yeah.
A few people on the panel tonight have all done kids' TV.
Yeah.
Yes.
Let's reminisce and go further back.
Let's play a children's game.
Oh, yeah.
And let's go down to Rhyming Street.
(CHILDISH VOICE) Yeah! We're going down to Rhyming Street! Welcome.
It's really fun.
What's going to happen is, you are going to see celebrities doing things that rhyme.
All you have to do is spot that celebrities and tell me what they are doing.
Yeah! So you know what to do, don't you? Yeah.
Let's go to Rhyming Street now.
(CHILDISH VOICE) Oh, I love this plane! It's brilliant! I go round and round, I love it! (DEEP VOICE) You know, sometimes I just don't like this or that.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, look at my belly.
They go right up! (RUSSIAN ACCENT) I draw on this, I draw on that.
I draw on everything.
Argh! (GRUFF VOICE) Yeah, that's right, you know what I do.
You know what to do.
Na-na-na I play this guitar.
Check my balls.
Check my balls.
Check my balls.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) See this? Oh, no, what is it? It's a real bear.
Wibble-wobble, wibble-wobble, wbbly-wobbly, wobbly-wob.
So there are some celebrities (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) .
.
doing things that rhyme.
Who do you think can get the most? Fearne's team, how many can you get? We are going to say seven.
You think you got seven there, down on Rhyming Street.
Holly's team? We are fucked.
Game face.
It's a game face.
Holly? No, we're going to let them.
Handing it over to Fearne's team.
Fearne, if you can't get seven, the point will go to Holly's team.
OK, what do you say? Uri Geller on a propeller.
Uri Geller on a propeller.
Let's have a look.
Yes! Sue Perkins holding a gherkin.
Yeah! Sue Perkins holding gherkins.
She was throwing gherkins.
That's all right.
Lionel Blair wrestling a bear.
Yes.
Let's have a look! That's correct! Peter Stringfellow playing a cello.
Let's have a look! Correct! Dev Patel in a well.
Let's have a look! Dev Patel falling down a well, yes! Tom Hanks wearing Spanx.
Tom Hanks wearing Spanx.
Yes.
You've got six! You've got six, you only need one more.
Dermot O'Leary working out a theory.
Let's have a look! Dermot O'Leary working out a theory! A point to Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'll give anyone an extra point if they spotted the red herring.
Alesha Dixon sticking a lamp up her arsehole.
No, Myleene Klass with a broom up her arse.
That was real.
That was Myleene Klass with a lamp up her ass.
Oh, I thought it was Alesha.
Liam Neeson teabagging some yoghurt.
That's it, yeah.
Yes, that's correct.
Liam Neeson dipping his balls in yoghurt.
That doesn't rhyme, everybody knows that doesn't rhyme! Kids, that don't rhyme.
Do you want to go down Rhyming Street again? Yes.
Let's go back down Rhyming Street! (WELSH ACCENT) I like this, so I do, it's fresh.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) They are sparkly, but not that bright.
Get off me, gets off me! (GRUFF VOICE) You like that, don't you? You like it when I do that, don't you? Hiiii-ya! Mm-pff-mm-pff-mm-pff! (POSH GIBBERISH) Hey-uh! Wrong! (SLURPING) I got this, what have you got? I don't like that, I love it.
It's a great, fun kids' game, isn't it? Holly's team? I think we can get about four.
Four? Fearne's team? Six.
Six.
Oh, my God.
You could have gone for five! You are so good at this.
Fearne's team thinks they can get six.
Let's see.
First one.
Tom Jones holding some bones.
Tom Jones Digging up bones.
Same shit, man.
I'll give you that.
Was one of them Bear Grylls on pills? Bear Grylls on pills, yes.
Dave Grohl drop kicking a mole.
Let's have a look! Dave Grohl drop kicking a mole, that's correct! Vin Diesel licking a weasel.
Vin Diesel licking a weasel.
XXX! Hitler getting littler.
Hitler getting littler.
That was excellent.
Correct.
You've got five.
Five, OK.
Louie Spence .
.
painting a fence! Let's have a look! Oh, man! Louie Spence painting a fence! A point for anyone who can get the red herring! Prince Charles in the bath.
Prince Charles in the bath.
Was that correct? (DINGING) Prince Charles and the bath eating a custard tart.
It don't rhyme, it just doesn't rhyme! Sean Bean fingering the Queen.
That wasn't a red herring.
That was so wrong.
(LAUGHTER) What was happening to Deborah Meaden? Deborah Meaden was getting peed on! Oh The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, guys, have you heard about the latest craze that all the kids are doing now? They are getting so mashed up on chicken.
After school, they go to the chicken shop to get some chicken.
They are actually getting inside their bodies and trying to replicate a chicken.
Have you heard about it? No.
It's a craze.
It gave me a great idea for a game.
So let's play The Hoodie Race! My name is Keith Lemon and I am here outside Zaynsbury's.
The supermarket that Zayn Malik set up when he left One Direction.
You get me? Can you see all these hoodies? They are all mashed up and ready to play this game.
Listen up, now! This is what you have got to do.
You have got to go through the bushes - you might get a coppa feel of titties an' ting.
Then you go into the studio, you get me? Come down here, come down here.
Then you go through into the studio and you will go underneath the slide, round the bins, then you go into the chicken shop where you will get some sweet, sweet chicken.
Pick up that chicken and drop it in the sweet chicken buckets.
Then another member of your team will set off.
It is like a relay race.
You get me? OK.
Let's talk to them mashed up hoodies.
You mashed up, are you? Wa' g'won? What you been eating, enough chicken? My legs broke are up in this, man.
((LAUGHTER) Are you mashed up? I am well mashed up.
What you been getting mashed on? Like loads Chicken nugget? Don't eat the chicken.
What you gonna eat instead? Corn on the cob, man.
(LAUGHTER) Don't worry, we've got corn on the cob for you.
Special treat for you, man.
Listen, to make it fair, you've got to go twice.
You feeling me? That means double the chicken.
Are you mashed up? So mashed up.
He's so mashed up! You ready? You gonna go on the honk.
Ready? (KLAXON) And they're off! There they go! The bush has fallen over, the bush has fallen over.
Straight under.
Oh, look at the speed! Look at the speed of this! Tommy's got this down! Look at him go! Ore on the Ore's got to be sensible with it! He's going sideways like a crab.
(LAUGHTER) I'm lodged between He's up! He's up! Tommy's up! Tommy's up there! Tommy is up there, now he's just got to get the chicken.
Can Ore get up? He's up, he's up! He's in the chicken shop! Just get the chicken.
He's got the chicken! To the chicken bucket.
On Holly's team.
On the H.
That's it.
(KLAXON AND CLUCKING) Holly's team, set off! Ore still hasn't got the chicken! It looks like he's trying to cuddle himself.
Georgie is here! Come on, Georgie! Look at the speed of her! Oh, no! Into the chicken shop.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no! Ore still hasn't got his chicken yet.
He's playing like a gentleman, he's playing like a gentleman.
That's it, pull, pull.
He's got it, he's got it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I can't get out! (KLAXON AND CLUCKING) Who is coming next? Chris Ramsey is coming down.
Here he comes! Underneath the slide! Oops! Come on down, underneath.
Round the bins.
That's it, you want that sweet chicken.
Oh, my God.
You want to get mashed up on chicken? You love chicken so much you want to be a chicken.
Into the chicken shop! There you go! Georgie's got it! She's got it! My thighs! She's got it! (KLAXON AND CLUCKING) Stay there, stay there, stay there! Go, Ramsay! Go, Ramsay, get the chicken! Knock it off with your head if you want to! Oh, it's Holly! No messing about! Straight into the chicken shop.
She means business! She's well mashed up on chicken.
AUDIENCE: Holly! Holly! Holly! I can't get up there.
(CHANTING CONTINUES) (KLAXON AND CLUCKING) You've got the string in your mouth! You've got the string in your mouth! Oh, she's dropped the chicken! She's dropped the chicken! Holly's dropped the chicken! She's got the chicken, she's got the chicken! So, ermcome here often? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON AND CLUCKING) I can't see! It's Schofield! He wants the sweet, sweet chicken.
Schofield wants the sweet, sweet chicken.
Here comes.
Through the bins.
That's it, Schofield.
Straight into the chicken shop.
Oh, he bounced straight in.
AUDIENCE: Philip, Philip, Philip! Lean forward! You've got it, you've got it, you've got it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Have you got it, Schofield? (KLAXON AND CLUCKING) Here's Ore again! Here's Ore! "Ore" up, Ore! Here he comes! Look at that! He ain't messing about this time! This time, he's got a smile on his face.
Straight under the slide, round the bins.
Look at that, like a ninja! (LAUGHTER) Come on, Schofield, drop that sweet chicken in the sweet chicken bucket.
(CLUCKING) (KLAXON) That's it! Holly's team has won! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Schofield, how are you feeling? I'm absolutely shattered.
Without you, they wouldn't have won.
You brought home the sweet, sweet chicken.
You were the man of victory tonight.
Do you feel triumphant? I feel triumphant.
Holly's team is the winner! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going to an ad break now! I'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 'Coming up after the break' There's no seagulls in here tonight.
We've checked the studio and there's no birds - (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Now, Oreo Biscuit, you have got a really embarrassing secret, haven't you? Oh, God, what have you got? You are scared of birds, aren't you? Yeah.
Why you scared of the flange, then? Different kind of birds.
That's why we put you on a team of all guys tonight, so you're not scared.
I was on This Morning with Holly and they bought a big old parrot on.
Were you with the Speakmans? It was the Speakmans, yeah, they were trying to help me with my phobia.
Did they help? It didn't work.
You are the only person I've known it not work for.
Really? I could have solved your fear because I have currently got a skip on my drive and there was a seagull in my skip the other day the size of a fucking labrador.
I saw it and I run down the drive and I went "Hey, shoo!" And it just literally went like that.
I got about 3 feet away from it and I went "OK.
" Seagulls are like foxes with wings, aren't they? They are horrible.
It was massive.
Gangland animals, aren't they? What are you going to fucking do? I'll fly around you.
I'll fucking fly around you and your skip, boy.
Call the council on me.
Fuck you.
Get indoors, you fucking pussy bitch.
Don't worry there are no seagulls in here tonight.
We have checked the studio for birds and there are no birds.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Is it real? Is it real? Please, I have got to see that again.
So we have a little look at an action replay of that? (LAUGHTER) Now it's time to play an oldie but goldie.
Let's play Shouting One Out! As you can tell by the music I am here in the This Morning toilets.
I am going to give them some gossip and they have got to pass it down.
If they get it correct at the end then they win points for their team but they have got sound cancelling headphones, so let's see if they can tell what I'm saying.
Yo.
Yo, how's it going? I love you too.
What about duvets? Who invented duvets? You're going to have to make your mouth hole a bit bigger.
I can't help it if I have got a tiny mouth.
OK, here is the gossip.
David Beckham's got a part in the new King Arthur film.
Apparently his acting is as wooden as the roundtable.
Pass it on! Hi.
Hi.
Bear Grylls went into the woods and got a new haircut.
It's quite close, it's quite close.
You are doing really well, that is quite close.
Mary Berry went into the woods and came out with a new haircut.
I don't like that end bit.
Hiya.
I think that it was "Mary, Mary came in the woods and came out with some pubes on it.
" I don't know what that bit was.
(APPLAUSE) Take them off.
"Mary, Mary went out to the woods and came out with some pubes on it.
" No, no.
It was very close.
I can tell you that the actual gossip was "David Beckham's got a part in the new King Arthur film.
Apparently his acting is as wooden as the roundtable.
" The word wood was in there.
We got wood.
Do they get a point for wood? No point for wood, I'm afraid.
A quarter of a point? An eighth of a point? They are saying a quarter of a point.
That works for me.
That is a quarter of a point for Fearne's team.
(APPLAUSE) Next up is Holly's team.
Welcome back to the toilet here at This Morning.
Our celebrities are in the stalls.
Let's see if they can tell what I am saying.
Yeah, you get me? How's it going? You six foot bitch prick.
Is that the one? No, no, I've not done it yet.
I've not done it.
I'm just testing, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Here is the gossip, yeah? Did you see Tom Daley get married to Dustin Lance Black the other day? Rumour has it he wore his speedos for the first dance.
Pass it on.
Hi.
Your nan did a dance with a fox.
Your nan did a dance with a fox.
(LAUGHTER) Your nan sucks cocks with Eamon Holmes.
Your nan sucks cocks with Eamon Holmes.
With Eamon Holmes? Today we are doing blow jobs with Eamon Holmes.
(APPLAUSE) It started out as "Did you see Tom Daley get married to Dustin Lance Black the other day? Rumour has it he wore his speedos for the first dance.
" That means no point for Holly's team.
(APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Christopher, you look like you are dying for a piss.
Do you need a piss? I do, mate.
He's off for a piss, we'll see you in two.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break.
I've got to check with the official adjudicators, Philip.
No, I got it right.
Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) I don't know what you did in the ad break, but me and Christopher Ramsay had a lovely wee together, didn't we? And I tell you what, he's got a really long foreskin, it's like an elephant's trunk, in't it? Now, you probably know, as a viewer, that we do have a world record for the Ding-a-long-a-dong-a-long-a-thon held by Jimmy Carr and Tony Hadley, and they dinged the Ding-a-long-a-thon 51 times.
Schofield, you're a recordbreaker and a legend, aren't you? I did hold a world-record once, yeah.
What was your world record? It was for racing in a little boat called a Bristol Chummy.
Would you like the chance to break a world record now? I'd love it because the other one lasted for about eight seconds.
Who would like to see Schofe break a world record? Yep.
(CHEERING) Let's see if he can as we play (APPLAUSE) You like suckin' dicks? Oh, hello! Welcome to the Ding-a-long-a-dong-a-long-a-thon.
We've got Phillip Schofield here.
As you know, there has been a record set by Jimmy Carr and Tony Hadley.
Let's have a look at the leaderboard.
There it is.
Ooh, 51 to beat.
Can we talk about the showbiz donger that this one's got as well? It's Phillip Schofield.
Yeah.
Sparkly pole.
So you know what to do.
You've got 30 seconds to whack the pole as many times as you can with your metal rod.
You must bring the rod down past the red thing here.
Paddy McGuinness nearly broke the record, but he was doing And what you have to do is bring it down and bring it up.
Can't do that.
A lot of people like to chalk up.
I tell you what, Holly, will you chalk Philip up? I will.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Does it go all the way along? Yes.
This is kind of the general warmup for This Morning, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Extra points for the flourish at the end.
Did it go all over your face? No.
Sorry.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Here we go.
Good luck.
There he goes! He's off! Look at the concentration! That's exactly right, Schofield! That's it.
He's doing it.
Look at that.
He means business.
He's got a good pace going.
Yes, you're doing really well, just keep that up.
She said yes, she said yes! That's the one.
Keep going! Speed up! Speed up! That's it! He's bending the rod, he's bending the rod.
He's doing it, he's doing it.
Oh, come on! Hurry up, hurry up! Speed up, that's it! Speed up! Speed up, Schofe! Yes! Yes! Yes! Keep going! (KLAXON) (CHEERING) We don't know yet.
I have seen what Holly has on the counting apparatus.
Which is the actual official adjudicator.
We have to check with the operators, with the adjudicators.
Can we talk about the kink in his pole? (CHEERING) Holly, I am going to check with the adjudicators, but I just want to check with you.
What have you got on your counter? Bearing in mind, the winning score so far is 51, on my little counter it says 54.
(CHEERING) I have got to check with the official adjudicators, Philip.
(TENSE MUSIC) (HEARTBEAT) No, I got it right! I can tell you that Holly is correct! We have a new world record! (CHEERING) # QUEEN: We are the Champions Yes! Yes! That's it, the lap of glory! The victory! Enjoy it! CROWD CHANTING: Phillip! Phillip! Congratulations, man.
Congratulations.
An absolute pleasure.
How do you feel? I feel jubilant.
I feel excited.
I feel slightly abused.
Let's have a look at the leaderboard.
There it is.
Phillip Schofield at the top! (CHEERING) That was Ding-a-long-a-dong-a-long-a-thon.
Phillip Schofield, everyone! (CHEERING) OK, there is all to play for in this final round.
It's The Buzzer Round! (CHEERING) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? My buzzer is 'Do you know what you are? You're a six-foot prick bitch!' OK, Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? 'I'm after your job, Schofield.
' OK, here's the first question.
Why are Cheryl and Liam allegedly facing a £200 fine '.
.
bitch!' Holly's team.
Cos they Erm Both did a shit in the park and didn't pick it up.
'I'm coming for you, you silver bastard.
' (LAUGHTER) That's Fearne's team.
More menacing.
They haven't registered their baby's name yet.
That's correct.
Ooh, shame on you.
Which of these three vegetables closest resembles Tommy Mallet's penis? 'You're six foot!' Tomato.
No aubergine here.
Georgia.
I think the little one.
A parsnip? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You think parsnip? I'll take the parsnip for a point.
It's cute! It's correct.
How do you know?! Who's this with their face stuck in a hole? 'Get that fucking bird away from me, will you!' That's Fearne's team.
Is what I said when I pulled my face out of a physio's table.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
How did Rochelle and Marvin Humes horrify fans with a home video this week? Oh, wow-ee.
'You're a bitch!' I ain't seen it, but have you got it? That's not the answer.
'Oh, no, I've just posted another picture of myself on the Internet.
How embarrassing!' Fearne's team.
It wasn't something about placenta, was it? They do like a placenta sandwich, but no.
'You're a six-foot prick bitch!' Holly's team.
Were they likechecking Squeezing spots in their ears or something, weren't they? That is correct.
That's correct.
I love a bit of that.
That's a bit of me.
Squeezing blackheads out of Rochelle's ear.
Heaven.
What's the highest pitched laugh Tommy Mallet can do? 'Six foot!' (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH) That's correct.
Come on, my son.
Point for who can say Philip the longest in one breath.
Are you gonna time it? Get everyone to start at the same time, whoever's still going wins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who can say Philip the longest.
One, two, three, go.
ALL: Ph-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i Hi, you're watching Celebrity Juice on ITV2.
Erm Everyone's saying Philip as long as they can.
Enjoy.
ALL:.
.
i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i I'm out.
ALL:.
.
i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i .
.
illip.
Fuck you, man! You done it quiet! PHILLIP: .
.
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a Yes! Wow.
(KLAXON) That is the end of The Buzzer Round.
(CHEERING) I tell you what, we've learnt one thing tonight - if you go up against Schofield, you will lose.
That means that Holly's team is the winner! (CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through the window! Let's dance!