American Dad s17e09 Episode Script

1
Vape pods, one-hitters, Goldschlager!
I can't tell you how
disappointed I am in all of you.
Where's the good stuff?!
I've got a flight to
Cabo in forty minutes!
Principal Lewis has no right to
invade our privacy like this.
Relax. We're gonna be lousy with privacy
all summer down at the hole.
You guys got something
special planned for break?
Snot and I spend every summer
at a super secret swimming
hole outside town,
just working on our slack shack,
catching fish, and practicing make-outs
on a smooth log we hauled
out of a beaver dam.
- Can I come?
- Sorry, Billy.
Not even Barry or Toshi
know about the old hole.
And it's not on any map.
Well, there's a lyrical map
That we vowed never to repeat
in front of other people.
I could just hum you the melody.
- I'm good.
- Fine, words and everything!
Down the dirt road
'til the knobbly old oak ♪
'Cross the shallows
where the bullfrogs croak ♪
Smith! What's with the fish?!
I'm sorry, Steve.
I smuggled myself in your backpack.
The lunch ladies throw a
killer end-of-the-year party
and make a timpano out of everything
that's left in the cafeteria.
Last year,
there was a whole kid in there.
He was delicious.
Hmm.
A fish that parties and isn't
afraid to bend the rules?
Good. You're with me.
I'm taking your pet as my
emotional support animal.
BRRIIIIING! That's the bell.
Lose yourself to the summer, bitches!
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- Good ♪
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Under the thicket all
dappled with light ♪
'Til the tickseed meadows
bloom golden and bright ♪
No, no, no! The slack shack!
We gotta call the cops!
And tell them what?
That somebody threw a
party out in the woods?
- I was wrong! We need to leave!
- What is it?
Did you see a Ziploc and think
it was a jellyfish again?
Oh, my God!
Talk about your lucky break!
Now the cops have to get involved!
This murder is just the thing we need
to catch the bastards
who ruined my hole!
- Our hole.
- That's what I said.
Jesus, Snot, you see one dead body,
and you're all "our hole."
- Here. Put this on.
- Oh, no.
I take the job of emotional
support very seriously.
I'm not wearing that
until I've earned it.
Suit yourself.
I just need you to get me
from the airport to the hotel.
I gulped up that whole bag
of the kids' contraband.
Gotta get a good baseline high
just to hit the ground
running with my Cabo crew.
- Cabo crew?
- Hell yeah!
The wildest group of
guys you've ever met.
One night we blacked out
and woke up on horses
carrying a sack of gold teeth!
We made a pact right then
we'd come back in a decade
and do it all again.
Well, someone's clearly feeling
your party vibe already.
Once again,
we'd like to invite all seniors
to pre-board at this time.
I'm looking at you, fishnet.
Well. This stings right
through the painkillers.
You kidding, bro? It's a neg.
She's dogging you so you'll
be insecure enough to hook up!
Cool!
Would you like a wheelchair
waiting for you at the other end, sir?
Oh, brutal! She wants you bad.
These directions suck!
We hit a thicket, but I wouldn't call it
"dappled with light."
Hi. We called about the body.
Yeah, yeah. Give us a second, kid.
Look at this place! It's got
What's the word I'm looking for?
- Splendor.
- Splendor!
That's it! Yes!
Needs some cleaning, though,
but the potential is unreal.
Look, do you want
to see the body or not?
Oh, we've seen plenty.
This case is gonna be harder
to solve than we thought.
We're gonna have to close
this area off for months.
Maybe longer. I heard it's
supposed to be an Indian summer.
Uh, we're gonna need backup out here.
Get everyone from the station.
Months? You're kidding, right?
Kidding?! There's been a murder, kid.
- What are you, sick?
- Yeah, what are you, sick?
And, uh, bring some beach towels.
Oh, good. Steve.
How are you with a needle?
I caught the summer bug and cut
all my pants into Daisy Dukes.
Turns out it is not a flattering
look for my body type.
I actually want to talk to
you about a potential case.
What kind of case?
Upper? Brief? Of the Mondays?
Murder!
Ahh, an old classic. Go on.
Someone got murdered at
my secret swimming hole,
but the police are dragging
their feet solving it
because they want the
hole for themselves!
It's ridiculous!
Ridiculously smart. That's what I'd do.
The way I see it, there's only
one way this case gets solved
I need Wheels and the Legman.
What do you say, partner?
- No way.
- What? W-Why?!
You know we don't work
cases we're too close to.
I promise I'm not too close.
Roger, a man's been murdered,
and no one seems to care.
- Do you?
- I don't know yet.
I usually only like the cases
where it turns out I did it,
and this is definitely not one of those.
That's strike one.
I'm also very worried
about your motives. Strike two.
Fortunately there's no strike
three and a murder sounds fun!
Let's do it!
I know. Don't say anything.
They don't work.
Would have been a cool thing for Legman,
though, right?
Imagine me kicking ass in these.
I guess I could be talked into them.
Christ, Steve. Say something!
Not that I don't appreciate
your dedication to character,
but I wouldn't judge you if
you wanted to walk this part,
hop back in at the hole?
- We're here.
- Oh.
Oh! This place is gorgeous!
If it was mine and someone took it,
I'd want revenge bad.
That's not what this is about
for you, though.
No. It's not personal.
Now, come on.
Let's nail down a timeline.
The night started over here
with a feast of some sort.
Old Bay seasoning.
That's nice on a summer evening.
I'm allowed to touch stuff, right?
Then the drinking started. There.
2020. Great year.
Not sure how it was for wine, though.
And then things got ugly.
Good party. They did it right.
Are you done, Legman?!
- Whoa, Wheels. Testy.
- Sorry.
No. Teste. Up there.
Looks like a dude's ball.
A clue! Good eye, partner!
I got something else.
I'd know these tracks anywhere.
Someone had sex here!
Let me cross-reference with
the forensics database.
Damn. No hits. Out-of-towners.
Hey! What's this?
A salt lick?
A salt lick! And there you have it!
The Case of the Dirt
Sex Salt Lick closed!
What's next?
- A murder case?
- Ooo, that sounds fun.
As long as you're not too close to it.
What are we doing at the docks, Legman?
In every crime show,
murder investigations
have to go to the docks.
There are answers here,
and a guy unloading stuff has them.
Yeah, I knew him. Real squirrelly.
Always looking over his shoulder.
Said she just got done with rehab,
but the tracks on her
arm said different.
The guy still owes me thirty bucks.
You ever have anyone
owe you thirty bucks?
Not fun.
This guy's open. Hey, you!
There's a swimming
hole an hour from here.
- Sounds nice.
- It was nice.
Until a body turned up at the
bottom of it. Know anything?
Not about that.
I do know about some murders
that happened at a
farmhouse last spring.
See, I did them.
Uch! This guy's a total dead end!
Let's go!
Wait. Legman, look!
That's no coincidence.
Here, take a break
and get one of those beers
with a raw egg in it you guys like.
Gee, thanks, mister!
Well, partner, what do you say
we bust this case wide open?
- Weird fruits?
- You take this one, Wheels.
You haven't had any good quips yet.
We don't have time for that.
We need to find out where
this shipment is going.
Uhh, guess the docks weren't
exactly fruitless after all.
This case is seedy any way you slice
Get in! I found a delivery address!
What are you doing, Wheels?!
You can't steal this truck!
Not with those little noodle legs.
Scooch over.
We're in hot purfruit?
Just drive.
That was funny, Wheels.
You're sure you're not
too close to this case?
I just want justice.
Juicetice.
Not terrible!
So you can't meet in Mexico
because of your grandkids?
No, I get it.
Y-You've got responsibilities.
Heh. Me? Umm
I'm not going down there, either.
Okay. Take care.
Well, that's the whole crew.
They all bailed.
Klaus, am I a fool for coming here?
What?! Screw those guys.
They broke a pact.
Bro, come here.
You know what I see in there?
A big idiot.
No. Balls.
Those cowards got scared
and gave away the most
important thing they had
their freedom.
We're lucky they aren't
here to hold us back.
They would've tried to
drag us to a shell museum or something!
Yeah. Maybe.
But guys like us don't need shells,
do we?
- Shells slow you down.
- Right!
We need to be out there and free!
Yeah! I'm not some snail!
If anything, the opposite!
I'm a
a slug!
A slug!
I'm a brave sluuuug!
-
- Not yet. Soon.
Something doesn't add up.
Couldn't agree more.
The Asian pears here
are 90 cents a pound
and the size of my head.
Who's crunching their numbers?
That's the last of it then?
Will you boys take some
coffee for the road?
[BLEEP] yeah.
- I gotta hit the head.
- I better join him.
I like to watch him
fumble with his dingaling.
Help me get this rug up.
Bingo!
They're making that fruit into drugs!
I think we're in
over our heads here, partner.
Wait. That package has an address.
Hey, a guy!
Got it! 2113 Franklin! Go! Go
You forgot your coffees!
Yeesh. Nasty place.
But we got the drop spot.
Feels like a good time to call the cops
and clue 'em
into the drug ring we just uncovered.
I'm going in.
Are you coming?
Look at that. They dose by licking it.
Almost like a
Salt lick.
Wheels, it's
The symbol! He's part of it!
Okay. You're also
interrupting me a lot lately.
- You piece of shit!
- Wheels?
Tell me everything you know!
The door locked somehow.
Who was there?!
I'm really starting to worry
you're too close to this one.
Steve?!
The tattoo is for a secret society.
They run drugs to fund their rituals.
But they've gone underground
now that the cops are crawling
all over their ceremonial site
The Old Hole.
Okay. All good intel.
Noticed you still have a few teeth stuck
in your knuckles there.
You still want to turn this
over to the police? Fine.
They can take it from here.
- You mean it?
- Yep.
Someone will probably even
make detective off this case
with all this
low hanging fruit.
There's my Wheels!
Then I gotta put my face in
a mattress for a few hours.
All my thoughts are shattered glass.
What a cool thing to say!
I'm a little afraid of you now,
but the new vernacular is dynamite!
Nope. Carrying you wasn't
the right choice, either.
Worse, actually, in a lot of ways.
Wake up. It's your lucky day.
Oh, my God! It wasn't a stabbing at all!
A goddamn deer did it!
I mean, right?
I never actually saw the body.
That's what we're gasping about, right?
Well, we can't thank you
enough for all of this.
I guess there's only one
thing left to do now.
- Kunnngh!
- Close the books!
It's always easier when animals do it.
No messy motive, no trial.
Just nature running her course.
That's it?!
B-But the drug ring,
t-the secret society!
Officially none of our beeswax.
I'm not even sure this stuff's illegal.
Mahalo, you two.
Well, we solved our first murder.
It's not fair!
They were supposed to hurt
the people who hurt me!
What?! So this was never
about the murder for you?
I feel completely blindsided here.
We did everything for the police,
and they're still not gonna
punish these scumbags!
Oh, I don't expect you to understand,
because you've never had
something as pure as my hole
and then had to see it
defiled by strangers!
I can't just turn my back
while a group of thugs
comes into my hole and violates it!
I'm I'm finding your word choice
is making it difficult to focus.
You lied to me! We were partners!
- "Were"?
- I'm sorry.
Legman is walking out on this team.
Right after I get you
back down the hill.
And the car ride home.
And maybe a celebratory
dinner somewhere nice.
After that, we're done!
Hi, Uncle Roger. Is Steve around?
He's not answering my calls.
I'm not surprised.
He had a bad break-up.
I heard the other guy's fine, though.
STEEEEVE!
Guess he's not here,
because he usually responds to that.
Well, come in, already! Let's find him.
Son of a bitch! He's still working it!
There's a chat log here.
Something called The Secret
Order of the Summer Buck.
What is all this?
I don't have time to explain it to you!
I think Steve infiltrated
the secret society
that threw a party at your
swimming hole to exact revenge.
Actually that's that's basically it.
This says the police are gone
and the ritual is back on!
Oh, my God!
Steve is going to the ritual!
We gotta save him!
Actually, you hang back.
I'm feeling a bit of a
Snot overdose happening.
Oh, that will happen.
Ah-ah-ah.
Did you forget your robes, brother?
Is that a problem?
You know what I do?
I keep an extra set in
my car just in case.
And you know how many times
I've been in your position?
Zero.
Oh, one more thing.
Our virgin fell through for the evening,
so it looks like no sacrifice tonight.
There's still plenty of
Albertsons pumpkin pies, though,
so enjoy.
- Unh!
- Get away from him!
He can't lick your drugs!
He lost his tongue
in a motorcycle accident!
Wheels, before you say anything,
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
Partners don't bail on each other.
How did you know
about my motorcycle accident?
Damn.
You've gotta be kidding me!
Steve, are you here?
These freaks kill virgins!
Virgins like you!
What are you doing?
Steve! I'm rescuing you.
Oh.
Seems we've found a virgin after all.
Quick, Steve, have sex with someone!
No! When it happens,
I want it to be special.
One water for every drink
so we all stay hydrated.
It does make you urinate a lot more,
but frankly I see that as a positive.
Anyway, what do your dads do?
Excuse us for a second.
What was that?!
I don't know! I couldn't stop myself!
The crew was right.
I've aged out of this scene.
Stop it!
You haven't aged out of anything.
You've graduated into the most
important party role of all!
I have?
The party elder.
Every rave, music festival,
and spring break
has one thing in common
that lone older guy who
looks like he's seen it all.
It's his job to act as a party
guide to the next generation.
That's you now.
The party elder.
Look at those pupils!
You're rolling hard, and you just walked
into a room full of mirrors,
like a fool!
Get back out there!
And stay away from your own reflection!
He gave me money.
My wisdom is my currency.
I am the party elder!
You earned this, Klaus.
It feels a little weird
sacrificing a handicapped person,
doesn't it?
Ugh. It's "differently abled," Peter.
And we have to treat him
exactly like everyone else.
- What if he's faking it?
- Oh, my God!
That is, like, the main thing
you're not allowed to say.
The man in the lake was murdered.
- He was a human sacrifice.
- I know that now!
Just haven't figured out
how the deer fits in.
It is time! Bring forth the vessel.
Ah.
God of the Summer Cervus!
Accept our humble
offering of virgin blood!
And if you're up for it,
kill this other guy, too.
Don't worry. I've got a plan.
Wait! He was pretending?
Boo!
Go, Steve!
Aah!
Aah!
Unh!
Steve, I need to apologize.
I'm the one who should be apologizing!
My thirst for revenge
nearly killed us both!
But your hole!
The thing you loved the
most in the world recently!
It never really was mine.
I realized the Order didn't
even know they stole it from me,
just like I didn't know I stole it
from that beaver, the fish I caught,
the bird eggs I pulled from nests
and threw at a big rock.
I can't take things so personally.
You're a good person, Steve.
And a good partner.
You still want to be partners?
I do. To the hospital, deer!
So now I guess even the forest
service can't get to the hole
because of all the murderous animals.
But I'm at peace.
I realized there are more
important things in life
than my own spot or some silly revenge
against the people who took it from me.
I don't know.
It sounds like a lot of
those people are dead now
because of you.
Yeah, I'm not gonna overthink it.
This place isn't bad, though, right?
Hey, you can't be here!
Alright, alright.
Come on, Snot. Help me get Steve out.
The physical therapist said
I might be out of this
thing by Christmas!
Serves him right.
Pretending to be disabled like that.
Have a great night!