Celebrity Juice (2008) s17e09 Episode Script
Ricky Wilson, Joey Essex, Ella Eyre and The Kooks
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh! There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, boy! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! Holly, who is on your team? On my right, he makes a fantastic calzone, it's the one and only Gi-no! AUDIENCE CHANT: GINO, GINO, GINO! And on my left, from someone who cooks, to The Kooks.
It's Pete and Luke! (APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who is on your team? On my right, I predict a riot, it's Ricky Wilson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, I'm very happy to say it is the salty potato Joey Essex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my other right, with the curly hair, it's Ella Eyre! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) A great team.
Joey is really excited about The Kooks, aren't you? I'm excited.
He's REALLY thrilled! Naive, innit? The Kooks are here, he can't believe it.
/fon What does that mean? Wallop! (LAUGHTER) I used to sing that song so much, I genuinely thought I was in the font color="# What's song? # I'm so naive, yeah, so # Go on.
I forgot the rest of the words.
He used to sing it so much, he's forgotten the words.
Is that the right words? There are three right words there.
Ella Eyre's speaking, what you saying? I loved The Kooks when I was a kid.
I know more words than Joey Essex.
Make us feel well old.
"When I was a kid".
I'm sorry.
/fo How old are you? 23.
I was talking about how young Ella is earlier today.
I was saying how wrong it is that I still pump fist to her.
Listen, before we get on with the show, I have serious things to say.
Last week, we had Philip Schofield on.
He beat the world record on the Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-athon.
There he is.
Look how happy he is.
Holly was counting with the counting mechanism.
We had a lot of angry tweets saying Schofield didn't get 54.
There are some of them there.
They were counting away.
He didn't get 54.
We have checked the tapes.
It was 48 dings.
You both cheated.
No, we didn't.
He did get 54.
It isn't the first time he has cheated on the show.
Last year, he was disqualified from the box race.
For illegally lifting up the box so you could see your way.
Cheats.
You can't penalise him.
Shut up, you cheating bitch! He was being kind.
Last week, he played Battle Chips Oreo Biscuit.
What he did was come out of the Circle of Truth and used his hands and pushed him to the floor.
He cheated again.
When we were doing the hoodie race Getting harder to defend Schofield.
You could only use your mouth in the hoodie race to pick up the chicken and drop it into the bucket.
Look at that! Look at Holly's face! Naughty.
He looked around! I don't know what to say.
Oh! The shame! It's Luke and Pete from The Kooks, everybody! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to Juice.
You are on tour.
We are actually on tour in Europe right now.
You have come here.
That is very gracious of you.
Thank you for having us.
You have got a brand-new album out as well.
It is not brand-new songs.
It is new packaging.
It is called The Best OfSo Far.
What is the message? Don't forget all your many faces are who you potentially are or are not.
That's the question.
What? All born from the same person at the start.
How would you fucking know the message? It is their album.
How would you know? It's Adam and Eve, innit? You thought Adam and Eve were Richard and Judy the first time you came here! I have learnt my lesson.
I know about them now.
The apple and all of that.
The snake.
What happened with the apple? Apparently they got an apple and threw it in a pond or something.
I don't know the full story, but I know an apple was involved.
There was an apple.
You guys have such a deep connection.
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Hiiii-iiii-iiii! It's Ricky Wilson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, Ricky Wilson.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It is great to be back.
Can I come on one of the good ones? Like Halloween or something? "One of the good ones"! Tonight is one of the good ones, innit? We have got The Kooks on and they are going to play, aren't they? That's a good one, isn't it? We are going to have some live music later in the show.
The live show, the Halloween live show we did.
That was one of the good ones, you ungrateful (BLEEP).
You are on tour at the moment? Always.
15 years on tour.
Non-stop.
On tour, apparently all you ate was crisps and Haribo.
Is that true? That is true, yes.
I predict a diet! # KAISER CHIEFS: I Predict A Riot Haven't done that for ages.
I haven't done a joke for ages! Surprised you can still do that.
It's been a few years.
I'm only 34! Is it true that only two Kooks are here because too many Kooks spoil the broth? # THE KOOKS: Always Where I Need To Be That is very hard to do.
Wonderful glutes.
That is a cheating way of doing it.
Your right foot lifts up, the other one stays down.
Get the FUCK here now! AUDIENCE CHANT: GINO, GINO, GINO, GINO! You get a point for your team if you do it longer than me.
Get Holly to count and you will win anyway! AUDIENCE: Oooh! (BOOING) Did you forget you were coming on the telly tonight, Gino? You have got your leisure wear on.
Did you forget it's not an Irish game? Why are you dressed as a leprechaun? Joey, stand up.
Let's see what you are wearing.
(CHEERING) It's summer! Joey has just come from games and PE from school.
Do you think you can do it? I've never tried it.
You have done it before, haven't you? Never.
Are you ready? On the klaxon.
(KLAXON) He is using his hands! Muggin'! I get a point for my team.
Look how low he is going to the floor.
Oh, I see! (CHEERING) (DING) (APPLAUSE) Joey, you have got your own brand of clothing.
What is it called? It is called Daf Dae.
D-A-F D-A-E.
Look at this.
What the fuck, man? Why does everyone look homeless? It is the edgy look, isn't it? You look at me, I don't care.
Like you've fucking been in a shark attack? It is better than walking down the road looking like I'm a Don.
Here is a picture of you wearing it.
Sick geezer.
Sick geezer.
You look like you have got cum stains all down your jeans.
"It's toothpaste! It's toothpaste! I swear it is toothpaste.
" Ricky, the name RICKY rhymes with a lot of things, doesn't it? Yes.
I came up with an idea.
Every time you hear the Kaiser Chiefs, we are going to play a Ricky Wilson rhyming game.
All right.
# KAISER CHIEFS: Ruby What a coincidence! I just announce it and it happens.
Let's have a look at the Ricky Wilson rhyming board.
There is the graphic.
I'm going to buzz in, then we play that game.
Ready? Here we go.
Picky Ricky.
What you're going to do, for a point for your team, is aid a Kooks fan.
They broke their leg, so couldn't make it to one of their gigs.
He is a friend of the show.
You might recognise him.
You have got to pick him up and bring him back so he can meet The Kooks.
You have got an allotted time, Ricky Wilson.
Are you up for the challenge? A point for your team.
Go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? Yes.
(KLAXON) (THE CRYSTAL MAZE THEME MUSIC) Look at that speed of his.
That was swift.
Do you know where you are going? There he goes.
Where is he? He has found him! Don't forget the suitcase.
The suitcase, Ricky! He never goes anywhere without his suitcase.
You can do it, Ricky.
Look at that speed of his.
Encourage him! AUDIENCE CHANT: Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! (CHEERING) Here he is.
Well done, Ricky Wilson, everyone.
A point for your team.
(DING) Can you do the scores? The scores at the end of that round are sha-ting.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE) KA-TING! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was a great game.
Not as good as this game.
An oldie but goldie.
It is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
I'm going to give you a category.
You mustn't stutter.
You mustn't repeat.
What you mustn't do most of all is show your teeth.
The category this week is Gino? I thought it was Luke's go.
No-one told me the rules.
Sorry, I'm out.
(BUZZER) AUDIENCE: Yes! We now have to rely on Gino to take this home and that is a disaster.
(BUZZER) They usually pretend to be kind of rude.
(BUZZER) Fearne's team wins! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! It is this time where I say, "I'll see you in three, I'm off for a wee.
" But I definitely am off for a piss.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break # ABBA: Waterloo Drinking wee.
I like drinking wee! I drink piss! Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Just been outbid on an item I was bidding for on eBay.
Hey! She's got lovely hair but I don't care! It's Ella Eyre! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ella, how's it going? Good, yeah.
You haven't been on for a while.
I have been writing my next album.
What about your pussy? I heard you have got a soggy tongue that hangs out of your pussy.
Yep.
Well, it's not my tongue, it is the actual cat's tongue.
That's what I'm saying, go.
What's wrong with you? You think I rude?! Oh, look at that! Is it a boy or a girl? It is a boy.
He is called Frank.
He fucking hates me anyway.
But you love him.
I love him.
That is cats, generally.
They are like, "Feed me, feed me.
Fuck you, I'm off out.
" And they come in, don't they? They go, "I love you.
Got any food? I love you.
Thanks.
Wanker.
" They've got their own Instagram, my cats.
Have they? Yeah.
Has it got loads of followers? Quite a lot.
Does it follow you? font color="#00FFF Did it follow you when you went to London Fashion week recently? font color="#00FFF We've got a picture of you.
Look how miserable I look.
They let anyone in Fashion Week now, don't they? Let's pull wide.
Look.
They will let anyone in.
Doesn't matter who you are.
I'll tell you what, though, next to Nicola from Girls Aloud, Fearne, you look like you have fucking been to the Bahamas.
I was so happy to sit next to her.
It is the only time I have been tanned my whole life.
# KAISER CHIEFS: Everyday I Love You Less And Less (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Kaiser Chiefs right then.
Can I just say something? A Ricky rhyming game.
Great.
That is perfect, isn't it? They get all the points because we are playing a game especially for Ricky.
Do you want a point for your team? Yeah.
I will give you a point for your team if you stick your finger up my arse.
Come on, you can do that.
Shut up, Gino.
I wouldn't let you.
You know I am as straight as they come.
I wouldn't let you.
That's a ridiculous game, then.
Too easy.
You won.
No jeopardy.
That was the Kaiser Chiefs.
That means it is another Ricky Wilson rhyming game.
Let's see the Ricky Wilson rhyming game board.
Please don't be sicky.
There it is.
I am going to buzz innow! Sticky, I will take.
Bricky! This one is really simple, Ricky.
Mm-hm.
All you have to do is put this brick down your pants for the rest of the show.
Holly, do you want to play this game? A point? It will get tangled in my bush.
Best not.
I'll give it a go.
Are they stretchy? No, they are not stretchy at all.
There is no stretch? No, no stretch.
I will let you put this in.
There we go.
I don't want to give you a vasectomy.
Gino said it is the best thing he's ever done.
Why do you have to tell everybody? It's like Danny Dyer's bollock.
How are you going to sit down with that? Fearne, do you go to festivals? Yeah.
Have you ever been to Borehamwoodstock? That is one I haven't ticked off the list.
Only been going two years.
Really? A new one that is growing.
It's exciting.
Yeah, I'll go.
Well, let's go over to Borehamwoodstock and play You get me?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Boom! Brap, brap, brap, brap! Welcome to one of the main stages.
We are going to go reckless tonight.
It is Borehamwoodstock.
You get me? Say boom! ALL: Boom! Say selecta! ALL: Selecta! Big shout out to my mate Ricky Wilson.
He got tied up in the toilet, he mashed it up, but it looks like a fucking horror movie in there.
Look at that, man.
Ricky! Look at that shit.
It looks like Independence Day.
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up, boy.
You know what happens here.
You got dem sound-cancelling headphones on.
My main man here Luke can't hear nothing.
Anybody want any good weed, you speak to my mate Gary.
He got some strong gear, you get me? # YLVIS: The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) What? Who? You are never going to get this.
Er Two eyes.
Then I piss on them.
(MUSIC STOPS) That's really hard.
You know that tune What Does the Fox Say? This tune.
This one.
# YLVIS: The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) Remember that, when you bought that back in the day? No.
You played it every day.
I don't know how I didn't get that! Sorry.
So rubbish.
Ready? Boom, boom, boom! Shake the fucking room! # ADELE: Rolling In The Deep Er Swimming pool? Er He don't know any of the songs because he's rock 'n' roll.
Pretending to take drugs.
Trying to get above sea level.
Erm Jump Jump Jump in the pool.
Rowing.
Stop it, stop it.
(MUSIC STOPS) You are in a band, yeah? So you, like, listen to music? You must do.
Yeah.
How come you don't know any? Shall I give the headphones to Gino and you play? Yeah, I think that might be better.
Gino, we're going to swap.
Oh, my God, I will never get it! The next one has better be One Cornetto.
Now, that is racist! If you don't get this, you and your family have to leave because of Brexit.
# THE PRODIGY: Firestarter Easy.
Easy.
Thriller! Monsters and fire! Fire! Oh! Light My Fire! Light My Fire! You put the fire out.
I Am On Fire.
You Are The Fire.
Something is on fire.
Running.
Running? Exercising? On Fire? Exercising Fire.
Yeah, that song Exercising Fire (!) (MUSIC STOPS) Stop Fire.
You think it is Stop Fire? First of all, I just want you to sing the chorus from Stop Fire.
Sing the chorus from Stop Fire.
That famous song Stop Fire (!) Go on.
# Re-stop my fire # Re-stop # That is Relight My Fire.
It wasn't that either, though.
So which one was it? # THE PRODIGY: Firestarter Oh, Firestarter! Holly, let's see if you can get one.
You've got to get one.
It's Holly Willoughby.
Check it.
# DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: Come on Eileen (AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG) Running.
Midnight.
When it gets to midnight Midnight Disco.
Running At midnight? Run To Me.
Are you being Liam Gallagher? Is he like Liam Gallagher? Come? Come? Come To Me? It's Late Come To Me.
Come Over Me.
Come On Me? Come In My Eye? I See You? ILean On You.
I Run To You.
I I Ilean? Come On Eileen! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's a point for Holly's team! Next up, check yourself, it's Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You get me? Mash it up, mash it up! Fearne's team in the hiz-ouse.
Can I just make a point that this is probably a very pointless game right now? If we are ever going to waste time, it is right now.
Fearne, it is Thursday, Thursday Fun Day.
Thursday fun.
Recognise! # PEPPA PIG THEME Mash it up, mash it up.
Pig? Fat pig? No.
Screw My Pig? Salt Pork? No, salt and Peppa Pig.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Right, here we go.
# JAMES: Sit Down Sit Down? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joey, you are a musical genius.
Respect.
Respect.
Big respect.
# ABBA: Waterloo Have an amazing time? Toilet? Yes! Toilet? I hate toilets.
I love drinking water.
Drinking wee? I like drinking wee.
I drink piss! Pooey water! No! Erm Sounds like poo? It sounds like shit.
I just done a shit! Fuckin' hell, mate.
This one is well hard, mate.
Drinking poo.
It sounds like Water? Loo? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Waterloo? Waterloo! Abba.
Abba.
Fucking yes, mate.
Yes, Joey! I was sick at that.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
Who would have thought it? Joey Essex with his ream of musical knowledge.
Can't believe it.
A ream of musical knowledge.
Do you get me? You get me?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are I tell you what can you do it.
Can I do it, yeah? Cheers.
Respect.
Respect.
What is it again? (LAUGHTER) The scores at the end of that round are sha'ting.
And the scores at the end of that round aresha'ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Flippin' heck, mate! See you in three! Coming up after t'break Taste a little bit of that sick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes! Audience, you having a good time? ALL: Yes! # KAISER CHIEFS: Ruby There's the Kaiser Chiefs.
You know what that means.
Yep.
A rhyming game.
Let's have a look at the Ricky Wilson rhyming board.
There it is.
I will buzz in randomly.
Let's see what we will be playing next, Ricky.
Boom! Sicky Ricky.
I knew that would happen.
Basically, the BAFTAs was at the weekend.
You probably all know that Holly likes to party.
Holly got shit-faced and ended up puking in the taxi.
But lucky for me, I have the bag which she puked in.
Here it is.
Oh, it still warm.
Ugh.
Oh, my God.
That is so ALL: Oh! There it is.
That's too much.
There it is.
No, thanks.
No! Ricky Wilson, all I want you to do is taste a little bit of that sick.
And tell me two ingredients that are in that sick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have to drink it out of the bag.
I'm not doing that.
I'll do that.
Luke is going to do it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think we need five points.
Five points? Five points for two ingredients.
A full mouthful.
Oh, man.
Should he do it? Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, he's chewing! Mm.
There's some real texture in there.
Some real chewing.
I want more, I want more! ALL: No! Oh, I love you for doing this.
Wonderful-tasting sick.
All I need is two ingredients.
Right.
Carrots.
Always.
Always (!) Always sweet corn and carrots.
Chicken.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, his breath stinks! Holly Willoughby.
Can I just say something? There was a point in the last game that Ricky played for having a break down his pants.
And you might have noticed, when he got up to smell the sick, the brick was gone.
Oh, let's have a look! (BOOING) Such a snitch.
He's done a Schofield, he's done a Schofield.
I can see him shoving it down.
Oh! I took it out.
Ricky! So that means, Holly, not only do you go home tonight with this brick, you also get a point for your team.
Thank you so much.
It's really wet.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) For a point for your team, would you like to put it down your top? (GASPS) Don't stretch your boobs! That's amazing.
She did it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So that's five points for Luke.
He got five points for drinking the sick.
To be fair, that is cool.
I will never see The Kooks the same ever again.
No-one will.
And a point will go to Holly's team because you didn't keep the brick down your pants.
A point to Holly if she keeps the brick down her front.
Old Brick-tits.
As well as drinking sick, The Kooks, you've played Glastonbury.
Yes.
Reading.
Yes.
Have you ever played Borehamwoodstock? It has been on the agenda.
Hopefully we will get the chance to.
Well, you are going to get the chance to, as we play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, Borehamwoodstock! Boom! We are all eagerly awaiting the headlining act tonight, The Kooks.
In this round, what we're going to be doing is cleaning up the mess because the festival is almost over.
We have an allotted time to clean up as much mess as we can using cling film.
The Kooks will be performing whilst we are playing this game.
The winner will have the most junk cling-filmed around their body.
We will go on the sound of The Kooks.
Ready? What am I doing? Helping us.
You go and sit with EG.
Keep him company.
That's fair.
Borehamwoodstock, how are you feeling? # I love her because she moves in her own way # She came to my show just to hear about my day # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, Borehamwoodstock.
The Kooks, everybody! Well, that is impressive.
Our teams look like they have done a great performance too.
So many dildos.
Like an alternative Christm cute.
Holly, do a turn.
Audience, if you think Fearne's team Or did Holly's team win? Well done, I think the point goes to Holly's team.
The scores at the end of that round are sha-ting.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break That's it, that's it.
I will keep this for later.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Ella, is it true that you are dangerously addicted to sushi? I can't get enough of this, boy! It was like a fish market.
Horrible! It was like somebody had taken prawns on a train on a hot day.
So gross.
My Keith repellent.
Screw you.
I'm joking, obviously.
I have never gone down on you.
I never would because I'm a gentleman.
And I couldn't find it through your bush.
Anyway, Ella, in homage to your love of sushi, I have come up with a fantastic game called Sushi Rolling Rolling Rolling.
Ella, Fearne.
This game is simple.
Lay down on the floor and I will place some sexy sushi by your feet.
Fearne with try to get the sushi to your mouth using only her face.
A point for your team if you get it to her mouth.
That sounds fun, doesn't it? Remember when you were teenagers and used to try lezzing off.
Lesbians are fantastic.
I love them the most! I love them the most! Would you like to lay down? I am ready.
If you breathe in to heavily I know.
I can't wait.
There she goes.
Up the legs.
Up the legs.
That's it.
I have to manoeuvre it around.
Go on, Fearne! I will keep this for later.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! (APPLAUSE) A point goes to Fearne's team.
Our final round is the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
What is your buzzer? Luke, it's a Kook! What's yours? Here's the first question.
What has Gok said he does to relieve stress? Yoga.
I would go for wank.
That's correct.
Gok Wan by name, wank by nature.
Which one is Luke? They are all him.
That is correct.
Another point if you can tell me who D is? What is Ricky Wilson lovingly looking at here? Is he looking at another brick? An enormous Let's have a look.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What were people shocked to discover the Queen does not have this week? Gino? She doesn't have a crown.
She ain't got a flight.
/ I saw a picture of her driving.
A driving licence.
That's correct.
That's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The winning team is It was a draw.
Because of the brick, Holly's team wins! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm Keith Lemon.
It is The Kooks! # So at my show on Monday I was told that some day # You'd be on your way to better things # But you don't pull my strings # Cos I'm a better man moving onto better things # But uh-oh I love her because she moves in her own way # But uh-oh # She came to my show just to hear about my day #
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh! There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, boy! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! Holly, who is on your team? On my right, he makes a fantastic calzone, it's the one and only Gi-no! AUDIENCE CHANT: GINO, GINO, GINO! And on my left, from someone who cooks, to The Kooks.
It's Pete and Luke! (APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who is on your team? On my right, I predict a riot, it's Ricky Wilson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, I'm very happy to say it is the salty potato Joey Essex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my other right, with the curly hair, it's Ella Eyre! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) A great team.
Joey is really excited about The Kooks, aren't you? I'm excited.
He's REALLY thrilled! Naive, innit? The Kooks are here, he can't believe it.
/fon What does that mean? Wallop! (LAUGHTER) I used to sing that song so much, I genuinely thought I was in the font color="# What's song? # I'm so naive, yeah, so # Go on.
I forgot the rest of the words.
He used to sing it so much, he's forgotten the words.
Is that the right words? There are three right words there.
Ella Eyre's speaking, what you saying? I loved The Kooks when I was a kid.
I know more words than Joey Essex.
Make us feel well old.
"When I was a kid".
I'm sorry.
/fo How old are you? 23.
I was talking about how young Ella is earlier today.
I was saying how wrong it is that I still pump fist to her.
Listen, before we get on with the show, I have serious things to say.
Last week, we had Philip Schofield on.
He beat the world record on the Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-athon.
There he is.
Look how happy he is.
Holly was counting with the counting mechanism.
We had a lot of angry tweets saying Schofield didn't get 54.
There are some of them there.
They were counting away.
He didn't get 54.
We have checked the tapes.
It was 48 dings.
You both cheated.
No, we didn't.
He did get 54.
It isn't the first time he has cheated on the show.
Last year, he was disqualified from the box race.
For illegally lifting up the box so you could see your way.
Cheats.
You can't penalise him.
Shut up, you cheating bitch! He was being kind.
Last week, he played Battle Chips Oreo Biscuit.
What he did was come out of the Circle of Truth and used his hands and pushed him to the floor.
He cheated again.
When we were doing the hoodie race Getting harder to defend Schofield.
You could only use your mouth in the hoodie race to pick up the chicken and drop it into the bucket.
Look at that! Look at Holly's face! Naughty.
He looked around! I don't know what to say.
Oh! The shame! It's Luke and Pete from The Kooks, everybody! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to Juice.
You are on tour.
We are actually on tour in Europe right now.
You have come here.
That is very gracious of you.
Thank you for having us.
You have got a brand-new album out as well.
It is not brand-new songs.
It is new packaging.
It is called The Best OfSo Far.
What is the message? Don't forget all your many faces are who you potentially are or are not.
That's the question.
What? All born from the same person at the start.
How would you fucking know the message? It is their album.
How would you know? It's Adam and Eve, innit? You thought Adam and Eve were Richard and Judy the first time you came here! I have learnt my lesson.
I know about them now.
The apple and all of that.
The snake.
What happened with the apple? Apparently they got an apple and threw it in a pond or something.
I don't know the full story, but I know an apple was involved.
There was an apple.
You guys have such a deep connection.
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Hiiii-iiii-iiii! It's Ricky Wilson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, Ricky Wilson.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It is great to be back.
Can I come on one of the good ones? Like Halloween or something? "One of the good ones"! Tonight is one of the good ones, innit? We have got The Kooks on and they are going to play, aren't they? That's a good one, isn't it? We are going to have some live music later in the show.
The live show, the Halloween live show we did.
That was one of the good ones, you ungrateful (BLEEP).
You are on tour at the moment? Always.
15 years on tour.
Non-stop.
On tour, apparently all you ate was crisps and Haribo.
Is that true? That is true, yes.
I predict a diet! # KAISER CHIEFS: I Predict A Riot Haven't done that for ages.
I haven't done a joke for ages! Surprised you can still do that.
It's been a few years.
I'm only 34! Is it true that only two Kooks are here because too many Kooks spoil the broth? # THE KOOKS: Always Where I Need To Be That is very hard to do.
Wonderful glutes.
That is a cheating way of doing it.
Your right foot lifts up, the other one stays down.
Get the FUCK here now! AUDIENCE CHANT: GINO, GINO, GINO, GINO! You get a point for your team if you do it longer than me.
Get Holly to count and you will win anyway! AUDIENCE: Oooh! (BOOING) Did you forget you were coming on the telly tonight, Gino? You have got your leisure wear on.
Did you forget it's not an Irish game? Why are you dressed as a leprechaun? Joey, stand up.
Let's see what you are wearing.
(CHEERING) It's summer! Joey has just come from games and PE from school.
Do you think you can do it? I've never tried it.
You have done it before, haven't you? Never.
Are you ready? On the klaxon.
(KLAXON) He is using his hands! Muggin'! I get a point for my team.
Look how low he is going to the floor.
Oh, I see! (CHEERING) (DING) (APPLAUSE) Joey, you have got your own brand of clothing.
What is it called? It is called Daf Dae.
D-A-F D-A-E.
Look at this.
What the fuck, man? Why does everyone look homeless? It is the edgy look, isn't it? You look at me, I don't care.
Like you've fucking been in a shark attack? It is better than walking down the road looking like I'm a Don.
Here is a picture of you wearing it.
Sick geezer.
Sick geezer.
You look like you have got cum stains all down your jeans.
"It's toothpaste! It's toothpaste! I swear it is toothpaste.
" Ricky, the name RICKY rhymes with a lot of things, doesn't it? Yes.
I came up with an idea.
Every time you hear the Kaiser Chiefs, we are going to play a Ricky Wilson rhyming game.
All right.
# KAISER CHIEFS: Ruby What a coincidence! I just announce it and it happens.
Let's have a look at the Ricky Wilson rhyming board.
There is the graphic.
I'm going to buzz in, then we play that game.
Ready? Here we go.
Picky Ricky.
What you're going to do, for a point for your team, is aid a Kooks fan.
They broke their leg, so couldn't make it to one of their gigs.
He is a friend of the show.
You might recognise him.
You have got to pick him up and bring him back so he can meet The Kooks.
You have got an allotted time, Ricky Wilson.
Are you up for the challenge? A point for your team.
Go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? Yes.
(KLAXON) (THE CRYSTAL MAZE THEME MUSIC) Look at that speed of his.
That was swift.
Do you know where you are going? There he goes.
Where is he? He has found him! Don't forget the suitcase.
The suitcase, Ricky! He never goes anywhere without his suitcase.
You can do it, Ricky.
Look at that speed of his.
Encourage him! AUDIENCE CHANT: Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! (CHEERING) Here he is.
Well done, Ricky Wilson, everyone.
A point for your team.
(DING) Can you do the scores? The scores at the end of that round are sha-ting.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE) KA-TING! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was a great game.
Not as good as this game.
An oldie but goldie.
It is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
I'm going to give you a category.
You mustn't stutter.
You mustn't repeat.
What you mustn't do most of all is show your teeth.
The category this week is Gino? I thought it was Luke's go.
No-one told me the rules.
Sorry, I'm out.
(BUZZER) AUDIENCE: Yes! We now have to rely on Gino to take this home and that is a disaster.
(BUZZER) They usually pretend to be kind of rude.
(BUZZER) Fearne's team wins! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! It is this time where I say, "I'll see you in three, I'm off for a wee.
" But I definitely am off for a piss.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break # ABBA: Waterloo Drinking wee.
I like drinking wee! I drink piss! Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Just been outbid on an item I was bidding for on eBay.
Hey! She's got lovely hair but I don't care! It's Ella Eyre! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ella, how's it going? Good, yeah.
You haven't been on for a while.
I have been writing my next album.
What about your pussy? I heard you have got a soggy tongue that hangs out of your pussy.
Yep.
Well, it's not my tongue, it is the actual cat's tongue.
That's what I'm saying, go.
What's wrong with you? You think I rude?! Oh, look at that! Is it a boy or a girl? It is a boy.
He is called Frank.
He fucking hates me anyway.
But you love him.
I love him.
That is cats, generally.
They are like, "Feed me, feed me.
Fuck you, I'm off out.
" And they come in, don't they? They go, "I love you.
Got any food? I love you.
Thanks.
Wanker.
" They've got their own Instagram, my cats.
Have they? Yeah.
Has it got loads of followers? Quite a lot.
Does it follow you? font color="#00FFF Did it follow you when you went to London Fashion week recently? font color="#00FFF We've got a picture of you.
Look how miserable I look.
They let anyone in Fashion Week now, don't they? Let's pull wide.
Look.
They will let anyone in.
Doesn't matter who you are.
I'll tell you what, though, next to Nicola from Girls Aloud, Fearne, you look like you have fucking been to the Bahamas.
I was so happy to sit next to her.
It is the only time I have been tanned my whole life.
# KAISER CHIEFS: Everyday I Love You Less And Less (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Kaiser Chiefs right then.
Can I just say something? A Ricky rhyming game.
Great.
That is perfect, isn't it? They get all the points because we are playing a game especially for Ricky.
Do you want a point for your team? Yeah.
I will give you a point for your team if you stick your finger up my arse.
Come on, you can do that.
Shut up, Gino.
I wouldn't let you.
You know I am as straight as they come.
I wouldn't let you.
That's a ridiculous game, then.
Too easy.
You won.
No jeopardy.
That was the Kaiser Chiefs.
That means it is another Ricky Wilson rhyming game.
Let's see the Ricky Wilson rhyming game board.
Please don't be sicky.
There it is.
I am going to buzz innow! Sticky, I will take.
Bricky! This one is really simple, Ricky.
Mm-hm.
All you have to do is put this brick down your pants for the rest of the show.
Holly, do you want to play this game? A point? It will get tangled in my bush.
Best not.
I'll give it a go.
Are they stretchy? No, they are not stretchy at all.
There is no stretch? No, no stretch.
I will let you put this in.
There we go.
I don't want to give you a vasectomy.
Gino said it is the best thing he's ever done.
Why do you have to tell everybody? It's like Danny Dyer's bollock.
How are you going to sit down with that? Fearne, do you go to festivals? Yeah.
Have you ever been to Borehamwoodstock? That is one I haven't ticked off the list.
Only been going two years.
Really? A new one that is growing.
It's exciting.
Yeah, I'll go.
Well, let's go over to Borehamwoodstock and play You get me?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Boom! Brap, brap, brap, brap! Welcome to one of the main stages.
We are going to go reckless tonight.
It is Borehamwoodstock.
You get me? Say boom! ALL: Boom! Say selecta! ALL: Selecta! Big shout out to my mate Ricky Wilson.
He got tied up in the toilet, he mashed it up, but it looks like a fucking horror movie in there.
Look at that, man.
Ricky! Look at that shit.
It looks like Independence Day.
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up, boy.
You know what happens here.
You got dem sound-cancelling headphones on.
My main man here Luke can't hear nothing.
Anybody want any good weed, you speak to my mate Gary.
He got some strong gear, you get me? # YLVIS: The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) What? Who? You are never going to get this.
Er Two eyes.
Then I piss on them.
(MUSIC STOPS) That's really hard.
You know that tune What Does the Fox Say? This tune.
This one.
# YLVIS: The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) Remember that, when you bought that back in the day? No.
You played it every day.
I don't know how I didn't get that! Sorry.
So rubbish.
Ready? Boom, boom, boom! Shake the fucking room! # ADELE: Rolling In The Deep Er Swimming pool? Er He don't know any of the songs because he's rock 'n' roll.
Pretending to take drugs.
Trying to get above sea level.
Erm Jump Jump Jump in the pool.
Rowing.
Stop it, stop it.
(MUSIC STOPS) You are in a band, yeah? So you, like, listen to music? You must do.
Yeah.
How come you don't know any? Shall I give the headphones to Gino and you play? Yeah, I think that might be better.
Gino, we're going to swap.
Oh, my God, I will never get it! The next one has better be One Cornetto.
Now, that is racist! If you don't get this, you and your family have to leave because of Brexit.
# THE PRODIGY: Firestarter Easy.
Easy.
Thriller! Monsters and fire! Fire! Oh! Light My Fire! Light My Fire! You put the fire out.
I Am On Fire.
You Are The Fire.
Something is on fire.
Running.
Running? Exercising? On Fire? Exercising Fire.
Yeah, that song Exercising Fire (!) (MUSIC STOPS) Stop Fire.
You think it is Stop Fire? First of all, I just want you to sing the chorus from Stop Fire.
Sing the chorus from Stop Fire.
That famous song Stop Fire (!) Go on.
# Re-stop my fire # Re-stop # That is Relight My Fire.
It wasn't that either, though.
So which one was it? # THE PRODIGY: Firestarter Oh, Firestarter! Holly, let's see if you can get one.
You've got to get one.
It's Holly Willoughby.
Check it.
# DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: Come on Eileen (AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG) Running.
Midnight.
When it gets to midnight Midnight Disco.
Running At midnight? Run To Me.
Are you being Liam Gallagher? Is he like Liam Gallagher? Come? Come? Come To Me? It's Late Come To Me.
Come Over Me.
Come On Me? Come In My Eye? I See You? ILean On You.
I Run To You.
I I Ilean? Come On Eileen! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's a point for Holly's team! Next up, check yourself, it's Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You get me? Mash it up, mash it up! Fearne's team in the hiz-ouse.
Can I just make a point that this is probably a very pointless game right now? If we are ever going to waste time, it is right now.
Fearne, it is Thursday, Thursday Fun Day.
Thursday fun.
Recognise! # PEPPA PIG THEME Mash it up, mash it up.
Pig? Fat pig? No.
Screw My Pig? Salt Pork? No, salt and Peppa Pig.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Right, here we go.
# JAMES: Sit Down Sit Down? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joey, you are a musical genius.
Respect.
Respect.
Big respect.
# ABBA: Waterloo Have an amazing time? Toilet? Yes! Toilet? I hate toilets.
I love drinking water.
Drinking wee? I like drinking wee.
I drink piss! Pooey water! No! Erm Sounds like poo? It sounds like shit.
I just done a shit! Fuckin' hell, mate.
This one is well hard, mate.
Drinking poo.
It sounds like Water? Loo? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Waterloo? Waterloo! Abba.
Abba.
Fucking yes, mate.
Yes, Joey! I was sick at that.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
Who would have thought it? Joey Essex with his ream of musical knowledge.
Can't believe it.
A ream of musical knowledge.
Do you get me? You get me?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are I tell you what can you do it.
Can I do it, yeah? Cheers.
Respect.
Respect.
What is it again? (LAUGHTER) The scores at the end of that round are sha'ting.
And the scores at the end of that round aresha'ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Flippin' heck, mate! See you in three! Coming up after t'break Taste a little bit of that sick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes! Audience, you having a good time? ALL: Yes! # KAISER CHIEFS: Ruby There's the Kaiser Chiefs.
You know what that means.
Yep.
A rhyming game.
Let's have a look at the Ricky Wilson rhyming board.
There it is.
I will buzz in randomly.
Let's see what we will be playing next, Ricky.
Boom! Sicky Ricky.
I knew that would happen.
Basically, the BAFTAs was at the weekend.
You probably all know that Holly likes to party.
Holly got shit-faced and ended up puking in the taxi.
But lucky for me, I have the bag which she puked in.
Here it is.
Oh, it still warm.
Ugh.
Oh, my God.
That is so ALL: Oh! There it is.
That's too much.
There it is.
No, thanks.
No! Ricky Wilson, all I want you to do is taste a little bit of that sick.
And tell me two ingredients that are in that sick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have to drink it out of the bag.
I'm not doing that.
I'll do that.
Luke is going to do it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think we need five points.
Five points? Five points for two ingredients.
A full mouthful.
Oh, man.
Should he do it? Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, he's chewing! Mm.
There's some real texture in there.
Some real chewing.
I want more, I want more! ALL: No! Oh, I love you for doing this.
Wonderful-tasting sick.
All I need is two ingredients.
Right.
Carrots.
Always.
Always (!) Always sweet corn and carrots.
Chicken.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, his breath stinks! Holly Willoughby.
Can I just say something? There was a point in the last game that Ricky played for having a break down his pants.
And you might have noticed, when he got up to smell the sick, the brick was gone.
Oh, let's have a look! (BOOING) Such a snitch.
He's done a Schofield, he's done a Schofield.
I can see him shoving it down.
Oh! I took it out.
Ricky! So that means, Holly, not only do you go home tonight with this brick, you also get a point for your team.
Thank you so much.
It's really wet.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) For a point for your team, would you like to put it down your top? (GASPS) Don't stretch your boobs! That's amazing.
She did it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So that's five points for Luke.
He got five points for drinking the sick.
To be fair, that is cool.
I will never see The Kooks the same ever again.
No-one will.
And a point will go to Holly's team because you didn't keep the brick down your pants.
A point to Holly if she keeps the brick down her front.
Old Brick-tits.
As well as drinking sick, The Kooks, you've played Glastonbury.
Yes.
Reading.
Yes.
Have you ever played Borehamwoodstock? It has been on the agenda.
Hopefully we will get the chance to.
Well, you are going to get the chance to, as we play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, Borehamwoodstock! Boom! We are all eagerly awaiting the headlining act tonight, The Kooks.
In this round, what we're going to be doing is cleaning up the mess because the festival is almost over.
We have an allotted time to clean up as much mess as we can using cling film.
The Kooks will be performing whilst we are playing this game.
The winner will have the most junk cling-filmed around their body.
We will go on the sound of The Kooks.
Ready? What am I doing? Helping us.
You go and sit with EG.
Keep him company.
That's fair.
Borehamwoodstock, how are you feeling? # I love her because she moves in her own way # She came to my show just to hear about my day # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, Borehamwoodstock.
The Kooks, everybody! Well, that is impressive.
Our teams look like they have done a great performance too.
So many dildos.
Like an alternative Christm cute.
Holly, do a turn.
Audience, if you think Fearne's team Or did Holly's team win? Well done, I think the point goes to Holly's team.
The scores at the end of that round are sha-ting.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break That's it, that's it.
I will keep this for later.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Ella, is it true that you are dangerously addicted to sushi? I can't get enough of this, boy! It was like a fish market.
Horrible! It was like somebody had taken prawns on a train on a hot day.
So gross.
My Keith repellent.
Screw you.
I'm joking, obviously.
I have never gone down on you.
I never would because I'm a gentleman.
And I couldn't find it through your bush.
Anyway, Ella, in homage to your love of sushi, I have come up with a fantastic game called Sushi Rolling Rolling Rolling.
Ella, Fearne.
This game is simple.
Lay down on the floor and I will place some sexy sushi by your feet.
Fearne with try to get the sushi to your mouth using only her face.
A point for your team if you get it to her mouth.
That sounds fun, doesn't it? Remember when you were teenagers and used to try lezzing off.
Lesbians are fantastic.
I love them the most! I love them the most! Would you like to lay down? I am ready.
If you breathe in to heavily I know.
I can't wait.
There she goes.
Up the legs.
Up the legs.
That's it.
I have to manoeuvre it around.
Go on, Fearne! I will keep this for later.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! (APPLAUSE) A point goes to Fearne's team.
Our final round is the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
What is your buzzer? Luke, it's a Kook! What's yours? Here's the first question.
What has Gok said he does to relieve stress? Yoga.
I would go for wank.
That's correct.
Gok Wan by name, wank by nature.
Which one is Luke? They are all him.
That is correct.
Another point if you can tell me who D is? What is Ricky Wilson lovingly looking at here? Is he looking at another brick? An enormous Let's have a look.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What were people shocked to discover the Queen does not have this week? Gino? She doesn't have a crown.
She ain't got a flight.
/ I saw a picture of her driving.
A driving licence.
That's correct.
That's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The winning team is It was a draw.
Because of the brick, Holly's team wins! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm Keith Lemon.
It is The Kooks! # So at my show on Monday I was told that some day # You'd be on your way to better things # But you don't pull my strings # Cos I'm a better man moving onto better things # But uh-oh I love her because she moves in her own way # But uh-oh # She came to my show just to hear about my day #