Celebrity Juice (2008) s17e10 Episode Script
James Blunt, Vicky Pattison, Jonathan Cheban
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking "What the fuck is going on?" but don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there's Holly Willoughboozy firing a space laser from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a massive cock-shaped spaceship.
And there is Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Yeah! Boom! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, my name is Keith Lemon and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's the last in the present series.
(AUDIENCE BOOS) Let's meet our team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly, who is on your team? On my right Everybody knows I am here.
You don't need to say, on my right.
It's Gino.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino! On my right, it's a chef twat! It's Gino! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, all the way from LA, it's Jonathan Cheban! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Are you sure it's not "Sheh-bahn"? Positive.
Yes, he knows.
I like Sheh-bahn because it sounds like # She bangs, she bangs # Let's meet our other team captain, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, are you sad that it's the last one? Yes, I think it's been a cracking series, hasn't it? It's (AS FEARNE) It's been a cracking series.
It has.
It has been a corker.
What will you do when you're not on air, on television? Probably wank my big cock.
Fearne, who is on your team? Well, on my left, she's a real canny lass, it's Vicky Pattison! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, the singing legend that is James Blunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (POSH ACCENT) Now we know who is on the teams, let's really get to know them.
He is posher than Ben Fogle eating a cucumber sandwich at a polo match.
It's James Blunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, Gino just told me the most beautifully romantic story.
He is very excited you are on tonight for one reason alone.
Are you going to share with the rest of the group? You know, how many times I must have banged my wife with you in the background.
I remember # You're beautiful # Oh, my God.
It's an honour to share those moments with you.
/fon Yes, it's good.
You could always get rid of the middleman and/ I will let you do my wife any time you want.
No problem.
Hey, it's James Blunt.
James Blunt.
You got a new album out.
Here it is.
The Afterlove.
I've gotta ask you What is the message? Well, the title, The Afterlove, is that feeling that you will know well, after two have been intimate and you are going to the loo and you have that slight warm, dribbly feeling.
Oh, yeah.
That's not your message.
That's the feeling.
Well, the message came just before.
Talking about that, is it about the awkward sort of notion afterwards when you do have sex and you have to clean it up with a sex towel, and then of course you watch the Kardashians? That is what I do.
You are the only person that has a sex towel, can I just poin No, no, no.
I am not the only person.
Don't most people just do it on a curtain? You may do it on a curtain, but we don't! He has a specially assigned cloth for such matters.
I have got mine here.
There it is.
That's my sex towel.
I have used the same one since I was seven.
Real nice.
I tell you what, Vicky.
You look lovely tonight.
You can have it.
Ah! Get that spunk rag away from me.
Don't worry, Mr Blunt.
I've got you a sex flannel as well.
Look at this.
It has got your initials on it.
# THIS IS YOUR LIFE THEME That is very smart.
Lovely.
Enjoy that, after you have had your love.
In your palace.
Nice, innit? That's really kind.
Thank you.
Gino.
Because it's the last episode in the present series, I have got you one as well.
(APPLAUSE) I am jealous.
Here, because we are going to become close friends, you can have mine.
Thank you.
What a dream.
Mr Blunt.
You have got a new boyfriend.
I have seen it in the press.
Have you? And he is very famous too, so that always helps.
OK, carry on.
We have got a picture.
Here we are.
There you are holding hands.
Look at those fuck-me eyes there, man.
We have got another picture as well.
There you are.
Aww! Going back to your dressing room there? Eh, eh? I tell you what, Mr Blunt, when you go ginge, you never go back, do you? Just keep that there.
For continuity.
They might not keep that in, but they might do, Mr Blunt, they might do.
When you go ginge (APPLAUSE) I don't want to be part of this! Don't bring me into this! Mm, mm! Shut up! Don't bring me into it.
It's too much.
It is very strong, isn't it? I drink a lot of pineapple juice.
Tastes like bleach.
One of my friends Well, he's not my friend, one of the Kardashians' friends, which makes them my friend because I feel like I know them oh so well, because I masturbate about them every time I watch them Jonathan Cheban! She bangs, she bangs! She does.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thanks.
I have never even seen this show, so it is my first time here.
You are going to have a GREAT time! You are best friends with Kim Kardashian.
Yes.
How did you meet? At a birthday party.
Just like this, actually.
What, as children, or as adults? About 10 years font colo Have you ever, like, tried it on with her? No.
She has had a football boyfriend, a basketball boyfriend and now Kanye, so there has been no chance.
Did you fancy her? I mean, she's gorgeous.
She is a stunner.
font color="w did you have to audition to be in it? I mean, listen, if we could find such good writers that come up with something like Caitlyn, Bruce turning into Caitlyn, then it would be an amazing show.
It is real life.
This is why it is the biggest show for 10 years.
Season 14 now.
Season 14.
Catching up to us, series 17, just ending tonight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hold on, hold on! He forgot all the spin-offs.
I have got to ask you about Celebs Go Dating.
Yes.
How was that for you? It was good.
Lots of people.
Did it work out? Miss Wales, a whale, it was She is not a whale.
There was a couple of whales.
What about Gemma Collins? Are you still friends with Gemma Collins? We are friendly, yeah.
Has she been over to America to see you? Nah.
She is not allowed.
Sorry.
No Essex to America, sorry.
She is font color="whi No, I know, I'm kidding.
You are automatically Essex if you've got the tan and the curls.
No, it's fantastic! That was just a You are Newcastle.
Thank you.
Giving birth to it.
She is so Geordie sometimes, Fearne, I think she is from Sri Lanka.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH IN GEORDIE ACCENT) It's just a little weird when they say "me" instead of "my".
That freaks me out.
"Can you pass me phone"? My teachers in school would write, like That has to be wrong, right? I can understand it is grammatically incorrect.
We wouldn't write it down like that.
We are not stupid.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Whay-aye, man! Let's go down the 'toon! It's Vicky Pattison.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Howay, how's it gannin'? Not too bad, petal, how's you? It's goin' all right.
I heard you were so excited to come on the show, you shit your pants.
No, it's true! Get away, it's true! Yes, Keith, I shit meself.
Yeah, we've got a photo.
You shit all down your leg, didn't you? That's a coffee scrub, Keith.
What the fuck's all that about? I'm exfoliating, man! I love you, Vicky Pattison.
To me, don't take this the wrong way, but you are like a council version of Katy Perry.
How could I take that the wrong way? With all your Katy Perry looks, you got a new fella, haven't you? Yes! Have you? There you are.
How long have you two been together? He is not new, Holly, he is recycled.
Yes! So he is an old flame? Yes.
I used to go out with him when I was about 20, 21.
I thought he was very good-looking put a little bit of a tosser.
So we split up quite amicably.
Then he grew up into a very nice man.
We bumped into each other last year on a train.
Aww! that's lovely.
You have said he is the first man to stimulate your mind and your body.
He must have some cock to reach your brain.
I am not gonna talk about his penis! You're making us nervous.
Let's talk about his cock! I'm really getting panicked now, because I feel like his mam watch Just say, I've never seen it.
I don't know what his cock looks like, I've never seen it.
I've never seen his penis, Michelle! I think you're lying, because we got a picture of you just after you've seen his cock.
Have a look at this.
(APPLAUSE) Congratulations are in order also, because you've got a new gig.
You are the new face of Ann Summers.
Yes! (APPLAUSE) Look at that! Look at that! Look at that.
Let's keep it on screen for a little bit longer as my gift to you.
If your mum and dad have gone out, get some tissues.
If you are about 16 and you are exploring your body, just enjoy this.
Keep it on screen, keep it on screen.
Yes, a 16-year-old must have blown their beans straightaway by now.
Jonathan, there is a lot of speculation about a lot of the Kardashians' bottoms.
Yes.
That they are enhanced.
I am listening.
Are they enhanced? You know the ins and outs of their bottoms.
I don't believe so.
font colo like with air? Air? Yes, if she made her bottom just a tiny bit bigger, if she could have a mechanism to pump it up.
Like with a pump? Yes, to pump it up.
It looks good.
It does look good,/f but this is a laboured link to play this game.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) In this game, Jonathan is going to be taking a seat on a giant pillow which will be inflated.
All you have got to do to win a point for your team is to stay on as long as you can before it bangs.
Do you understand? I got you.
Are we allowed to help him? Yes.
What can we do? Hold him on? Hold his legs.
Oh, my God.
I have two people I am nervous about holding me.
What? Why me? You just said you're unsafe with me and he is drun Just bend over and enjoy.
Are you ready? I guess.
(FAN WHIRRS AGGRESSIVELY) Here we go.
Frightening, isn't it? Oh, my God.
Stay on as long as you can.
That is it, Jonathan.
What goes on here? What kind of shit do you guys do?! Oh, my God! Stay on before she bangs.
Here we go.
All of this for a point?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # QUEEN: Under Pressure We don't get a point? I held on for (MIMICS SAD TROMBONE) (APPLAUSE) I tried! I'm gonna throw it to Fearne's team.
Any of you think you can do that? Blunty's well up for it.
Yes, Blunty's well up for it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, James Blunt is now attempting the challenge.
Let's see if he can stay on the inflatable cushion.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
I am going to switch it on now.
Point for your team if you can stay on.
OK.
Take control.
I am going to wait until the leg rises.
Try not to fart.
Getting bigger.
Do you feel OK? I can feel it in my groin.
I am enjoying it.
You have control.
Remember, this is to score a point for your team.
How am I looking? font colo You're beautiful (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bouncing.
That's good.
Come on! Let's see how big it gets.
I heard something! (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # JAMES BLUNT: High We are going to an ad break now.
I'm off for a shit, I'll see you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break There he goes! Look, there is Donald Trump! What the fuck? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? ALL: Oh, yes! Are you having a good time? ALL: Oh, yes! Last week we discovered that Phillip Schofield, lovely as he is, is a TV Jedi, is what he is.
He is also a cheating bastard! FEARNE: Stinking cheat! We thought he broke the world record for the ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon, but he didn't, so it is up for grabs.
It's exciting, isn't it, James Blunt? It's very exciting.
Do you think you could break the world record? I'm gonna try.
He's gonna try! Hello and welcome to the ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon arena! And here we have James Blunt.
I think we have got news from Tokyo that they are going to take it into the Olympics.
We are going live now to the meetings where they are discussing it.
Yes, it looks positive.
It looks like they are going to go for this in the Olympics.
That is exciting.
That is really exciting.
Let me tell you the rules, James.
All you have to do is whack the pole with your rod as many times as you can in 30 seconds.
Let's have a look at the leader-board so far.
We can see that Jimmy Carr and Tony Hadley are at the top.
So tonight we really want to break that world record.
How many have they done? You need to do almost 2 a second.
GEORDIE ACCENT: Two a second, man! Carol Vorderman! Would you like to chalk up? Yes, please.
Chalk up.
James is chalking up.
Go on.
Look at that.
Plenty of chalk.
He's going to do well here.
Are you ready? Two a second! I am normally like a slow, slow build-up before a crescendo but this is like (PUNCHES PALM) Is there anything you would like to say to the people at home before you begin? Yeah, get ready, bitch.
(LAUGHTER) Vicky will be counting.
Are we ready? When you hear the Olympic beep Go on, son, swing it about.
Go on, Blunty! Look at the speed, keep going like that.
Hands on the horses! Hands on the horses! Hands on the horses! Hands on the horses! How long do I have? You have got 30, go on! Keep going.
Oh, he's bent the pole! Oh! Ah! (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Looks impressive! Very impressive.
We have to give James a few points for flair! Yeah, yeah.
Let's have a look at you in slow motion, James.
And style.
# JAMES BLUNT: You're Beautiful You're beautiful, it's true (LAUGHS WILDLY) OK, the world record was 51, you have 51 to beat Vicky, how many did he get? 55! # You're the best around # Nothing's gonna ever keep you down You're the best around Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon pole! Let's have a look at the new leader-board.
There he is, James Blunt, at the top with 55.
James Blunt, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you so much, thank you.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon! Well, it's time now for an oldie but a goldie.
Let's play 'Who are you kidding?' I will show you a VT of some famous children when they were not famous and you have to tell me who they are.
Are you ready? Yes.
Play along at home if you want, enjoy.
KEITH: I like this bike, it's lovely, I will ride in it until I stop.
Do you want a pint? Do you want a pint of lager? (GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY) I'm not playing this bit, it's too hard! Hey, heywhat's he gonna say? Ya mook! Eryeah, I got a big willy, no, I haven't, but I will have one day! I am from the past, I am a black and white photo! Hello, hello, I have not finished, stop it, don't let me go! I've gone! It really is going to be amazing, amazing! (IMITATES CORONATION STREET THEME) (MUMBLES) I'll have two of those, please, and a house in Switzerland! Right, Holly's team.
How many do you think you got there? I think we can get eight.
Fearne's team? I don't think we can do eight.
Holly's team, if you can't get the full eight, the point will go to Fearne's team.
Are you ready? Yes.
First one? We think the first one is Jennifer Garner.
Jennifer Gardener? Garner! Jennifer Garner, let's have a look.
No, it's Caroline Flack.
The next one.
I thought it was David Bowie.
David Bowie?! You thought it was David Bowie?! Let's have a look.
Simon Gregson.
Oh, yeah! You have to get all the rest right.
All right! Myleene Klass.
Let's have a look.
Lovely, Myleene Klass.
Myleene Klass in the ass! Who's that? This is Jonathan.
Let's have a look.
Yes, that's correct.
Who is that? You got this.
It looks like Orlando Bloom.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
The biggest penis in show business.
His actual wang! Who is that from the past? We are saying it is Donald Trump.
Donald Trump, let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) The Queen.
It's the Queen! Oh, no! Oh, no! I'm going home! Can I have my passport back? I am out of here! So the point goes to Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was funny, though! Let's have a look at the rest.
Who is that? Kourtney? No, it's Kim! Next one.
Who is that? That's me.
That's correct.
Who is that? Helen Flanagan.
Correct.
Who is that? That is you, isn't it? That's me.
Look at that cheeky little face.
Mr Blunt! If only you were that good when you actually played the game! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Jonathan? Yes.
In America, do they have boxes? For packing to move, yes.
Cardboard boxes? Car boar? IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT: Card-board! Yes, we do have cardboard.
IMITATES AGAIN: Do you got any cardboard? Stop that accent, it's terrible, please.
IMITATES AGAIN: Do you have cardboard? We have cardboard.
Have you ever had a race with some of your friends underneath a cardboard box? It would be a weird race.
Let's find out if it's weird, as we play # Livin' in a box Livin' in a cardboard box I am outside Elstree Television and Film Studios.
Hurrah! We are here to play The Box Game sponsored by Boxes in association with American Boxes.
Let's interview our boxees.
First of all, Vicky Pattison, howay, pet? Howay, pet! How are you feeling, confident, like? I'm sweating me tits off, Keith! Sweating her tits off! Gino, you love this game.
This is a stupid game! We haven't spoken to Jonathan.
Jonathan, how are you going? WOMAN: Oh, great, man! No, that's actually not Jonathan.
It is! Oh! This is Claire, our senior researcher.
She is filling in for Jonathan because he did his back in while he was training and you are hoping to get a promotion out of this if you win? Yeah, I hope so, absolutely.
You dropped the American! AS AN AMERICAN: Oh, my God, I want a promotion! Come on! That is an assistant producer! What is up, James? Just checking her out.
Are you ready? Right, I am going to tell you the track.
First of all you have to make your way down over Brokeback Mountain, in the tent having a bit of a kanoodle! Then you have to go round Route 66, avoiding Donald Trump.
Then you have to go into the studio, past the Empire State cardboard building and avoid King Kong, he's super vexed, he is more vexed than Donald Trump! Then you go up the ramp, past the finish line.
The first team back will be the winning team.
Hey-hey-hoosh! Are you ready? OK, you will go on the honk.
(CAN HONKS) There we go and they are off! Look at Blunt! Keep under the box, Blunt! Keep under the box! The researcher! A full team has to be across the finishing line.
Look at Blunt go! There is Donald Trump.
There is Donald Trump, look how angry he is! Oh, he won't stop.
He won't stop for nothing! Here comes the researcher.
He is so angry! Beware of King Kong! He is throwing bananas at you, he's not happy! He is not happy.
Blunt is through! Is that the researcher coming in second? King Kong is vexed! Whoa! That is Donald Trump, it is Donald Trump, he's a crazy person! AS TRUMP: I don't want to let you in! No cheating, no cheating! What the fuck?! Up the ramp, up the ramp.
Fearneyou can do it, you are at the frontyou are nearly there! You are in the front, everyone is behind you! Be careful, here comes Donald Trump.
Gino, watch out for King Kong! Gino, turn around! Fearne, that's it, up the ramp! Fearne, keep going! JAMES: Come on, Gino! VICKY: Come on, Fearne! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fuck, that was impossible! I'd just like to say that Donald Trump, you little bastard, man! You are angry! Apparently it was a photo finish.
The winning team was The winning team was Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Good job, good job! Fearne, apparently your leg was not over the line.
Oh, piss off! Apparently your cock was over the line, but your leg was behind.
That's the important bit! That was all in honour of Jonathan.
And what did you do for the team? Absolutely nothing! Zero! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Hey, Donald, what's happening now? We are going to an ad break! We are going to an ad break! See you in three! Coming up after t'break Look at James Blunt! Hurrah! It's Thursday! Here's where the weekend starts! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes.
Are you having a good time? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We hope you are having a good time.
Mr Blunt, I have some peripherals here about you.
OK.
You have got enough girls, it says here - nuff girls, that's street talk for "many".
You have a nightclub in your basement.
You have sold over 20 million albums worldwide.
You are a legend.
What is it like being you? I do often wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and go, "Fuck, I'm James Blunt.
" (LAUGHTER) Apart from your incredible success, you are also known as The King of Twitter.
Thank you.
We have got some of your tweets here.
Some of your comebacks.
JAMES: Boning your mum.
That's correct.
There's your comeback.
You'll like a lot of these.
And finishes in your mouth.
(LAUGHTER) Here is the comeback.
JAMES: Mine is anal.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Jonathan, have you ever heard of Five Second Fool? No.
Do you know Five Second Fool, Mr Blunt? No, I don't.
You will enjoy this! Let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (AS MICHAEL PARKINSON) Hello, I'm Michael Parkinson.
And welcome to Five Second Fool Xtreme.
I'm not really Michael Parkinson.
What are you doing? Stop advertising! (LAUGHTER) Welcome to Five Second Fool Xtreme.
You know the score.
First up to play is Vicky Pattinson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MASTERMIND THEME) Sensible trousers this time, Vicky.
Yes, my boobs nearly came out last time.
I remember! Right.
Are you ready? Do you want me to turn you on, like? Always ready, Keith.
Here I come.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Give me three ways of making a cow smile! Telling a joke, tickle its udders, show them a picture of something funny.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Three things that look like a vagina.
A vagina Oh, it's stopped.
Oh, no! Erm (BUZZER) You could have said a ham sandwich.
Or a kebab.
Or a lasagna that's been dropped on the floor.
Three ways you can hold a hamster.
In your hand.
In your friend's hands.
And in a cloth.
(APPLAUSE) Three ways to work up a sweat.
In the gym.
Having sex.
Gardening.
(APPLAUSE) Gardening?! Vicky Pattinson, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! I am here with Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo.
Are you OK? You look at that stage of drunk where you might fall asleep.
Are you on the edge? No, I had a long day because it started early It's not a therapy session! This is not a therapy session.
Five Second Fool.
Yeah (ITALIAN ACCENT) I can't-a believe it either! The Italian arms came out! The Italian arms! It's-a pizza like my mama used to make! Oh! This is faster than usual.
Three places you can fit a fist.
In a cow, in a plant, in somebody's bum.
(APPLAUSE) Three things you hate about Brexit.
You talk about Brexit.
French people in general.
(KLAXON) Three things that are scary.
A long clitosteris.
Dinosaurs.
And a bad dog.
(APPLAUSE) Yes, a bad dog.
I hate long clitosterises.
Why did you point at me when you said Oh, my God! Three things you would take to a sex party.
Oh A whip.
A vibrator.
And my wife.
Gino D'Acampo, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Next to play Five Second Fool Extreme, it's James Blunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Hi.
How are you today? I am really well, thank you.
Do you know the rules? I do.
Five seconds, three answers, one question.
OK.
Sounds easy, but is it easy? Let's find out! Ooh! That's it.
Are you ready? You are about to see my cum face! Three things that rhyme with Blunt! Shunt.
Gruntand hunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The three most expensive things you own? My wife.
A house in Ibiza.
And a house inSwitzerland.
In Switzerland? Apologies, yes.
Apologies! It is not for tax purposes, it is for skiing! (LAUGHTER) Three ways of using a bag for life.
I don't know what a bag for life is (LAUGHTER) It's not my thing! I totally know what it is! It's one of those things from the supermarche.
(LAUGHTER) Give me three ways of saying hello in different accents.
NORTHERN: Elloh! Hell-air! Ola! That's James Blunt, everyone! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Vicky, you work out a lot, don't you? I do try.
On Instagram you are always putting up little films of you working out.
Yes, I do just stockpile them.
Apparently there has been complaints in your gym because where you work out, it stinks! And they are blaming it on you.
You are joking? We have a video of you at your local gym, where people are complaining because it stinks.
Let's have a look.
(BREAKS WIND) (BREAKS WIND) INSTRUCTOR: Come on, Vick! Attack the day! (BREAKS WIND) Reet, that's it! (BREAKS WIND) (BREAKS WIND) Two, take your time.
Three, four I am quite impressed, I did not realise there was so many dif Yeah, varying degrees of fart.
I tell you what, seeing as it is the last episode of the series, I thought it would be nice if we order a bit of take-out, yeah? Great idea.
Special treat.
A bit of Indian? Curry I am into! Gino? You like curry, don't you? Er You love Indian, don't you? I do like a good cur- Just say yes.
I love a curry! Then let's play Hello and welcome to Balti Towers, Elstree.
It's the best Indian restaurant locally that I know, they have everything from vindaloos to banoonis, punanis .
.
onion bhajis.
The lovely cuisine we all love.
All you have to do to enjoy some of that food tonight is to catch it in your tray.
Holly will be shooting at you and Fearne at James Blunt.
Remember whose team you are on! Holly.
It's easy, remember! OK, I will walk over here and see what they've got.
The starter is here and lovely salads and stuff.
Just enjoy yourself.
Have you got your ball cup on? Are you in? It looks like they are silent.
FEARNE: They are in, they are in.
It turns into a council version of Daft Punk.
Visors down! HOLLY: I love this game so much.
It's really powerful, I swear.
Are you ready? Yes.
Shit! Go! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Anything? Holly's team is in the lead.
I got samosas.
Are you ready for the salad? Yes.
You like a bit of salad, don't you? Girls, give him the salad.
Three, two, one You want a beer, don't you? You want to drink? Yes? You would like a drink with your meal? Nice to have a bit of beer with Indian food.
There it goes.
Look at Mr Blunt! Yes, look at that.
There you have the sauce! Look at James Blunt! He's been in the army, look at him.
Into your glass! This one is fully packed to the max! I am scared of this now.
Bombay potatoes, are you ready? Jesus.
For fuck's sake! They are very powerful and before you fire them, we are going to an ad break.
See you in three Coming up Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Before the break, we were about to fire aBombay potato.
All you've got to do is get it in the tray.
A point for your team for the person who gets the most in there.
Come on It's easy.
Are you ready? It's so easy.
Right, it's a powerful one.
Go! AUDIENCE: Ohhhh! (APPLAUSE) Did you get yours in? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Wow, wow! Look at Gino's face! Gino, do you want to call your agent and get out? That was That was hard.
Right, let's check the trays.
Let's have a look.
Let's have a look.
22 grains of rice.
There's Gino's.
Have you been eating them? Here's Mr Blunt's there.
Ooh, no, hang on.
What we're gonna do is a tie-break.
I'm gonna fire.
Whoever gets the most wins.
Stand together.
Stand close together.
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, it is powerful, isn't it? Let's have a look at your trays.
Holy shit, is that yours? That's mine.
You've got it, you've got it.
The point goes to Fearne's team! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round areshatiiing! Can you? Bastard.
That was a bit of fun, wasn't it? Let's see if it's as exciting as our final round.
It's the buzzer round! OK, buzz in if you know the answer If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? (AMERICAN ACCENT) 'Anyone want a hotdog here?' That's in homage to Jonathan, an American person.
Oh, my God.
Ferne, what's your buzzer this week? (RP ACCENT) 'I wouldn't wipe my arse with that.
' Is that Vicky? That's Vicky! In homage to Vicky and her eloquent posh background.
Me dulcet tones.
Why is Gemma Collins so scared here in this picture? 'Can I have a corn dog?' What did you say to her? What did you do to her? I think it was that I was leaving or coming back.
You were leaving or coming.
Were you coming in her back? That's a lot of comeing.
Let's have a look.
That's right, you're coming up her back.
I was right.
Yes, you were right.
Who is this super-cool fella here? 'I want your doughnuts and a coffee.
' Holly's team.
Bruno Tonioli.
Let's have a look.
No, it's James Blunt! Oh, Blunty! I like your little sun hat.
Where is the weirdest place Vicky Pattison has ever done a wee? (GEORDIE ACCENT) 'Away lass, ganna get our coats.
' Maybe the pool.
Swimming pool? We've all done that.
Do you know summat I don't? (LAUGHTER) Where's the weirdest place you've done a wee? I wee in normal places, man.
Yeah, but what's the weirdest place? The answer was in someone's mouth.
Oh, that's a lie.
Where is it, then? Well, the sea or a swimming pool.
That is correct.
What's the poshest noise that James Blunt can make? 'Where the fuck's he gone now?' (POSH ACCENT) Oh, hello! Oh, hello! (LAUGHS) That is correct! (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
That's the end of this series of Celebrity Juice.
So I can tell you that the winning team is No chance we won.
The winning team is Fearne's team! (CHEERING) Don't you fucking dare! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, have a fantastic summer.
All the best.
Let's dance.
# JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Can't Stop The Feeling Goodbye! Ta-ra!
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking "What the fuck is going on?" but don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there's Holly Willoughboozy firing a space laser from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a massive cock-shaped spaceship.
And there is Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Yeah! Boom! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, my name is Keith Lemon and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's the last in the present series.
(AUDIENCE BOOS) Let's meet our team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly, who is on your team? On my right Everybody knows I am here.
You don't need to say, on my right.
It's Gino.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino! On my right, it's a chef twat! It's Gino! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, all the way from LA, it's Jonathan Cheban! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Are you sure it's not "Sheh-bahn"? Positive.
Yes, he knows.
I like Sheh-bahn because it sounds like # She bangs, she bangs # Let's meet our other team captain, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, are you sad that it's the last one? Yes, I think it's been a cracking series, hasn't it? It's (AS FEARNE) It's been a cracking series.
It has.
It has been a corker.
What will you do when you're not on air, on television? Probably wank my big cock.
Fearne, who is on your team? Well, on my left, she's a real canny lass, it's Vicky Pattison! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, the singing legend that is James Blunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (POSH ACCENT) Now we know who is on the teams, let's really get to know them.
He is posher than Ben Fogle eating a cucumber sandwich at a polo match.
It's James Blunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, Gino just told me the most beautifully romantic story.
He is very excited you are on tonight for one reason alone.
Are you going to share with the rest of the group? You know, how many times I must have banged my wife with you in the background.
I remember # You're beautiful # Oh, my God.
It's an honour to share those moments with you.
/fon Yes, it's good.
You could always get rid of the middleman and/ I will let you do my wife any time you want.
No problem.
Hey, it's James Blunt.
James Blunt.
You got a new album out.
Here it is.
The Afterlove.
I've gotta ask you What is the message? Well, the title, The Afterlove, is that feeling that you will know well, after two have been intimate and you are going to the loo and you have that slight warm, dribbly feeling.
Oh, yeah.
That's not your message.
That's the feeling.
Well, the message came just before.
Talking about that, is it about the awkward sort of notion afterwards when you do have sex and you have to clean it up with a sex towel, and then of course you watch the Kardashians? That is what I do.
You are the only person that has a sex towel, can I just poin No, no, no.
I am not the only person.
Don't most people just do it on a curtain? You may do it on a curtain, but we don't! He has a specially assigned cloth for such matters.
I have got mine here.
There it is.
That's my sex towel.
I have used the same one since I was seven.
Real nice.
I tell you what, Vicky.
You look lovely tonight.
You can have it.
Ah! Get that spunk rag away from me.
Don't worry, Mr Blunt.
I've got you a sex flannel as well.
Look at this.
It has got your initials on it.
# THIS IS YOUR LIFE THEME That is very smart.
Lovely.
Enjoy that, after you have had your love.
In your palace.
Nice, innit? That's really kind.
Thank you.
Gino.
Because it's the last episode in the present series, I have got you one as well.
(APPLAUSE) I am jealous.
Here, because we are going to become close friends, you can have mine.
Thank you.
What a dream.
Mr Blunt.
You have got a new boyfriend.
I have seen it in the press.
Have you? And he is very famous too, so that always helps.
OK, carry on.
We have got a picture.
Here we are.
There you are holding hands.
Look at those fuck-me eyes there, man.
We have got another picture as well.
There you are.
Aww! Going back to your dressing room there? Eh, eh? I tell you what, Mr Blunt, when you go ginge, you never go back, do you? Just keep that there.
For continuity.
They might not keep that in, but they might do, Mr Blunt, they might do.
When you go ginge (APPLAUSE) I don't want to be part of this! Don't bring me into this! Mm, mm! Shut up! Don't bring me into it.
It's too much.
It is very strong, isn't it? I drink a lot of pineapple juice.
Tastes like bleach.
One of my friends Well, he's not my friend, one of the Kardashians' friends, which makes them my friend because I feel like I know them oh so well, because I masturbate about them every time I watch them Jonathan Cheban! She bangs, she bangs! She does.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thanks.
I have never even seen this show, so it is my first time here.
You are going to have a GREAT time! You are best friends with Kim Kardashian.
Yes.
How did you meet? At a birthday party.
Just like this, actually.
What, as children, or as adults? About 10 years font colo Have you ever, like, tried it on with her? No.
She has had a football boyfriend, a basketball boyfriend and now Kanye, so there has been no chance.
Did you fancy her? I mean, she's gorgeous.
She is a stunner.
font color="w did you have to audition to be in it? I mean, listen, if we could find such good writers that come up with something like Caitlyn, Bruce turning into Caitlyn, then it would be an amazing show.
It is real life.
This is why it is the biggest show for 10 years.
Season 14 now.
Season 14.
Catching up to us, series 17, just ending tonight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hold on, hold on! He forgot all the spin-offs.
I have got to ask you about Celebs Go Dating.
Yes.
How was that for you? It was good.
Lots of people.
Did it work out? Miss Wales, a whale, it was She is not a whale.
There was a couple of whales.
What about Gemma Collins? Are you still friends with Gemma Collins? We are friendly, yeah.
Has she been over to America to see you? Nah.
She is not allowed.
Sorry.
No Essex to America, sorry.
She is font color="whi No, I know, I'm kidding.
You are automatically Essex if you've got the tan and the curls.
No, it's fantastic! That was just a You are Newcastle.
Thank you.
Giving birth to it.
She is so Geordie sometimes, Fearne, I think she is from Sri Lanka.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH IN GEORDIE ACCENT) It's just a little weird when they say "me" instead of "my".
That freaks me out.
"Can you pass me phone"? My teachers in school would write, like That has to be wrong, right? I can understand it is grammatically incorrect.
We wouldn't write it down like that.
We are not stupid.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Whay-aye, man! Let's go down the 'toon! It's Vicky Pattison.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Howay, how's it gannin'? Not too bad, petal, how's you? It's goin' all right.
I heard you were so excited to come on the show, you shit your pants.
No, it's true! Get away, it's true! Yes, Keith, I shit meself.
Yeah, we've got a photo.
You shit all down your leg, didn't you? That's a coffee scrub, Keith.
What the fuck's all that about? I'm exfoliating, man! I love you, Vicky Pattison.
To me, don't take this the wrong way, but you are like a council version of Katy Perry.
How could I take that the wrong way? With all your Katy Perry looks, you got a new fella, haven't you? Yes! Have you? There you are.
How long have you two been together? He is not new, Holly, he is recycled.
Yes! So he is an old flame? Yes.
I used to go out with him when I was about 20, 21.
I thought he was very good-looking put a little bit of a tosser.
So we split up quite amicably.
Then he grew up into a very nice man.
We bumped into each other last year on a train.
Aww! that's lovely.
You have said he is the first man to stimulate your mind and your body.
He must have some cock to reach your brain.
I am not gonna talk about his penis! You're making us nervous.
Let's talk about his cock! I'm really getting panicked now, because I feel like his mam watch Just say, I've never seen it.
I don't know what his cock looks like, I've never seen it.
I've never seen his penis, Michelle! I think you're lying, because we got a picture of you just after you've seen his cock.
Have a look at this.
(APPLAUSE) Congratulations are in order also, because you've got a new gig.
You are the new face of Ann Summers.
Yes! (APPLAUSE) Look at that! Look at that! Look at that.
Let's keep it on screen for a little bit longer as my gift to you.
If your mum and dad have gone out, get some tissues.
If you are about 16 and you are exploring your body, just enjoy this.
Keep it on screen, keep it on screen.
Yes, a 16-year-old must have blown their beans straightaway by now.
Jonathan, there is a lot of speculation about a lot of the Kardashians' bottoms.
Yes.
That they are enhanced.
I am listening.
Are they enhanced? You know the ins and outs of their bottoms.
I don't believe so.
font colo like with air? Air? Yes, if she made her bottom just a tiny bit bigger, if she could have a mechanism to pump it up.
Like with a pump? Yes, to pump it up.
It looks good.
It does look good,/f but this is a laboured link to play this game.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) In this game, Jonathan is going to be taking a seat on a giant pillow which will be inflated.
All you have got to do to win a point for your team is to stay on as long as you can before it bangs.
Do you understand? I got you.
Are we allowed to help him? Yes.
What can we do? Hold him on? Hold his legs.
Oh, my God.
I have two people I am nervous about holding me.
What? Why me? You just said you're unsafe with me and he is drun Just bend over and enjoy.
Are you ready? I guess.
(FAN WHIRRS AGGRESSIVELY) Here we go.
Frightening, isn't it? Oh, my God.
Stay on as long as you can.
That is it, Jonathan.
What goes on here? What kind of shit do you guys do?! Oh, my God! Stay on before she bangs.
Here we go.
All of this for a point?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # QUEEN: Under Pressure We don't get a point? I held on for (MIMICS SAD TROMBONE) (APPLAUSE) I tried! I'm gonna throw it to Fearne's team.
Any of you think you can do that? Blunty's well up for it.
Yes, Blunty's well up for it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, James Blunt is now attempting the challenge.
Let's see if he can stay on the inflatable cushion.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
I am going to switch it on now.
Point for your team if you can stay on.
OK.
Take control.
I am going to wait until the leg rises.
Try not to fart.
Getting bigger.
Do you feel OK? I can feel it in my groin.
I am enjoying it.
You have control.
Remember, this is to score a point for your team.
How am I looking? font colo You're beautiful (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bouncing.
That's good.
Come on! Let's see how big it gets.
I heard something! (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # JAMES BLUNT: High We are going to an ad break now.
I'm off for a shit, I'll see you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break There he goes! Look, there is Donald Trump! What the fuck? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? ALL: Oh, yes! Are you having a good time? ALL: Oh, yes! Last week we discovered that Phillip Schofield, lovely as he is, is a TV Jedi, is what he is.
He is also a cheating bastard! FEARNE: Stinking cheat! We thought he broke the world record for the ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon, but he didn't, so it is up for grabs.
It's exciting, isn't it, James Blunt? It's very exciting.
Do you think you could break the world record? I'm gonna try.
He's gonna try! Hello and welcome to the ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon arena! And here we have James Blunt.
I think we have got news from Tokyo that they are going to take it into the Olympics.
We are going live now to the meetings where they are discussing it.
Yes, it looks positive.
It looks like they are going to go for this in the Olympics.
That is exciting.
That is really exciting.
Let me tell you the rules, James.
All you have to do is whack the pole with your rod as many times as you can in 30 seconds.
Let's have a look at the leader-board so far.
We can see that Jimmy Carr and Tony Hadley are at the top.
So tonight we really want to break that world record.
How many have they done? You need to do almost 2 a second.
GEORDIE ACCENT: Two a second, man! Carol Vorderman! Would you like to chalk up? Yes, please.
Chalk up.
James is chalking up.
Go on.
Look at that.
Plenty of chalk.
He's going to do well here.
Are you ready? Two a second! I am normally like a slow, slow build-up before a crescendo but this is like (PUNCHES PALM) Is there anything you would like to say to the people at home before you begin? Yeah, get ready, bitch.
(LAUGHTER) Vicky will be counting.
Are we ready? When you hear the Olympic beep Go on, son, swing it about.
Go on, Blunty! Look at the speed, keep going like that.
Hands on the horses! Hands on the horses! Hands on the horses! Hands on the horses! How long do I have? You have got 30, go on! Keep going.
Oh, he's bent the pole! Oh! Ah! (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Looks impressive! Very impressive.
We have to give James a few points for flair! Yeah, yeah.
Let's have a look at you in slow motion, James.
And style.
# JAMES BLUNT: You're Beautiful You're beautiful, it's true (LAUGHS WILDLY) OK, the world record was 51, you have 51 to beat Vicky, how many did he get? 55! # You're the best around # Nothing's gonna ever keep you down You're the best around Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon pole! Let's have a look at the new leader-board.
There he is, James Blunt, at the top with 55.
James Blunt, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you so much, thank you.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon! Well, it's time now for an oldie but a goldie.
Let's play 'Who are you kidding?' I will show you a VT of some famous children when they were not famous and you have to tell me who they are.
Are you ready? Yes.
Play along at home if you want, enjoy.
KEITH: I like this bike, it's lovely, I will ride in it until I stop.
Do you want a pint? Do you want a pint of lager? (GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY) I'm not playing this bit, it's too hard! Hey, heywhat's he gonna say? Ya mook! Eryeah, I got a big willy, no, I haven't, but I will have one day! I am from the past, I am a black and white photo! Hello, hello, I have not finished, stop it, don't let me go! I've gone! It really is going to be amazing, amazing! (IMITATES CORONATION STREET THEME) (MUMBLES) I'll have two of those, please, and a house in Switzerland! Right, Holly's team.
How many do you think you got there? I think we can get eight.
Fearne's team? I don't think we can do eight.
Holly's team, if you can't get the full eight, the point will go to Fearne's team.
Are you ready? Yes.
First one? We think the first one is Jennifer Garner.
Jennifer Gardener? Garner! Jennifer Garner, let's have a look.
No, it's Caroline Flack.
The next one.
I thought it was David Bowie.
David Bowie?! You thought it was David Bowie?! Let's have a look.
Simon Gregson.
Oh, yeah! You have to get all the rest right.
All right! Myleene Klass.
Let's have a look.
Lovely, Myleene Klass.
Myleene Klass in the ass! Who's that? This is Jonathan.
Let's have a look.
Yes, that's correct.
Who is that? You got this.
It looks like Orlando Bloom.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
The biggest penis in show business.
His actual wang! Who is that from the past? We are saying it is Donald Trump.
Donald Trump, let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) The Queen.
It's the Queen! Oh, no! Oh, no! I'm going home! Can I have my passport back? I am out of here! So the point goes to Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was funny, though! Let's have a look at the rest.
Who is that? Kourtney? No, it's Kim! Next one.
Who is that? That's me.
That's correct.
Who is that? Helen Flanagan.
Correct.
Who is that? That is you, isn't it? That's me.
Look at that cheeky little face.
Mr Blunt! If only you were that good when you actually played the game! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Jonathan? Yes.
In America, do they have boxes? For packing to move, yes.
Cardboard boxes? Car boar? IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT: Card-board! Yes, we do have cardboard.
IMITATES AGAIN: Do you got any cardboard? Stop that accent, it's terrible, please.
IMITATES AGAIN: Do you have cardboard? We have cardboard.
Have you ever had a race with some of your friends underneath a cardboard box? It would be a weird race.
Let's find out if it's weird, as we play # Livin' in a box Livin' in a cardboard box I am outside Elstree Television and Film Studios.
Hurrah! We are here to play The Box Game sponsored by Boxes in association with American Boxes.
Let's interview our boxees.
First of all, Vicky Pattison, howay, pet? Howay, pet! How are you feeling, confident, like? I'm sweating me tits off, Keith! Sweating her tits off! Gino, you love this game.
This is a stupid game! We haven't spoken to Jonathan.
Jonathan, how are you going? WOMAN: Oh, great, man! No, that's actually not Jonathan.
It is! Oh! This is Claire, our senior researcher.
She is filling in for Jonathan because he did his back in while he was training and you are hoping to get a promotion out of this if you win? Yeah, I hope so, absolutely.
You dropped the American! AS AN AMERICAN: Oh, my God, I want a promotion! Come on! That is an assistant producer! What is up, James? Just checking her out.
Are you ready? Right, I am going to tell you the track.
First of all you have to make your way down over Brokeback Mountain, in the tent having a bit of a kanoodle! Then you have to go round Route 66, avoiding Donald Trump.
Then you have to go into the studio, past the Empire State cardboard building and avoid King Kong, he's super vexed, he is more vexed than Donald Trump! Then you go up the ramp, past the finish line.
The first team back will be the winning team.
Hey-hey-hoosh! Are you ready? OK, you will go on the honk.
(CAN HONKS) There we go and they are off! Look at Blunt! Keep under the box, Blunt! Keep under the box! The researcher! A full team has to be across the finishing line.
Look at Blunt go! There is Donald Trump.
There is Donald Trump, look how angry he is! Oh, he won't stop.
He won't stop for nothing! Here comes the researcher.
He is so angry! Beware of King Kong! He is throwing bananas at you, he's not happy! He is not happy.
Blunt is through! Is that the researcher coming in second? King Kong is vexed! Whoa! That is Donald Trump, it is Donald Trump, he's a crazy person! AS TRUMP: I don't want to let you in! No cheating, no cheating! What the fuck?! Up the ramp, up the ramp.
Fearneyou can do it, you are at the frontyou are nearly there! You are in the front, everyone is behind you! Be careful, here comes Donald Trump.
Gino, watch out for King Kong! Gino, turn around! Fearne, that's it, up the ramp! Fearne, keep going! JAMES: Come on, Gino! VICKY: Come on, Fearne! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fuck, that was impossible! I'd just like to say that Donald Trump, you little bastard, man! You are angry! Apparently it was a photo finish.
The winning team was The winning team was Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Good job, good job! Fearne, apparently your leg was not over the line.
Oh, piss off! Apparently your cock was over the line, but your leg was behind.
That's the important bit! That was all in honour of Jonathan.
And what did you do for the team? Absolutely nothing! Zero! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Hey, Donald, what's happening now? We are going to an ad break! We are going to an ad break! See you in three! Coming up after t'break Look at James Blunt! Hurrah! It's Thursday! Here's where the weekend starts! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yes.
Are you having a good time? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We hope you are having a good time.
Mr Blunt, I have some peripherals here about you.
OK.
You have got enough girls, it says here - nuff girls, that's street talk for "many".
You have a nightclub in your basement.
You have sold over 20 million albums worldwide.
You are a legend.
What is it like being you? I do often wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and go, "Fuck, I'm James Blunt.
" (LAUGHTER) Apart from your incredible success, you are also known as The King of Twitter.
Thank you.
We have got some of your tweets here.
Some of your comebacks.
JAMES: Boning your mum.
That's correct.
There's your comeback.
You'll like a lot of these.
And finishes in your mouth.
(LAUGHTER) Here is the comeback.
JAMES: Mine is anal.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Jonathan, have you ever heard of Five Second Fool? No.
Do you know Five Second Fool, Mr Blunt? No, I don't.
You will enjoy this! Let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (AS MICHAEL PARKINSON) Hello, I'm Michael Parkinson.
And welcome to Five Second Fool Xtreme.
I'm not really Michael Parkinson.
What are you doing? Stop advertising! (LAUGHTER) Welcome to Five Second Fool Xtreme.
You know the score.
First up to play is Vicky Pattinson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MASTERMIND THEME) Sensible trousers this time, Vicky.
Yes, my boobs nearly came out last time.
I remember! Right.
Are you ready? Do you want me to turn you on, like? Always ready, Keith.
Here I come.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Give me three ways of making a cow smile! Telling a joke, tickle its udders, show them a picture of something funny.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Three things that look like a vagina.
A vagina Oh, it's stopped.
Oh, no! Erm (BUZZER) You could have said a ham sandwich.
Or a kebab.
Or a lasagna that's been dropped on the floor.
Three ways you can hold a hamster.
In your hand.
In your friend's hands.
And in a cloth.
(APPLAUSE) Three ways to work up a sweat.
In the gym.
Having sex.
Gardening.
(APPLAUSE) Gardening?! Vicky Pattinson, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! I am here with Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo.
Are you OK? You look at that stage of drunk where you might fall asleep.
Are you on the edge? No, I had a long day because it started early It's not a therapy session! This is not a therapy session.
Five Second Fool.
Yeah (ITALIAN ACCENT) I can't-a believe it either! The Italian arms came out! The Italian arms! It's-a pizza like my mama used to make! Oh! This is faster than usual.
Three places you can fit a fist.
In a cow, in a plant, in somebody's bum.
(APPLAUSE) Three things you hate about Brexit.
You talk about Brexit.
French people in general.
(KLAXON) Three things that are scary.
A long clitosteris.
Dinosaurs.
And a bad dog.
(APPLAUSE) Yes, a bad dog.
I hate long clitosterises.
Why did you point at me when you said Oh, my God! Three things you would take to a sex party.
Oh A whip.
A vibrator.
And my wife.
Gino D'Acampo, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Next to play Five Second Fool Extreme, it's James Blunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Hi.
How are you today? I am really well, thank you.
Do you know the rules? I do.
Five seconds, three answers, one question.
OK.
Sounds easy, but is it easy? Let's find out! Ooh! That's it.
Are you ready? You are about to see my cum face! Three things that rhyme with Blunt! Shunt.
Gruntand hunt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The three most expensive things you own? My wife.
A house in Ibiza.
And a house inSwitzerland.
In Switzerland? Apologies, yes.
Apologies! It is not for tax purposes, it is for skiing! (LAUGHTER) Three ways of using a bag for life.
I don't know what a bag for life is (LAUGHTER) It's not my thing! I totally know what it is! It's one of those things from the supermarche.
(LAUGHTER) Give me three ways of saying hello in different accents.
NORTHERN: Elloh! Hell-air! Ola! That's James Blunt, everyone! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Vicky, you work out a lot, don't you? I do try.
On Instagram you are always putting up little films of you working out.
Yes, I do just stockpile them.
Apparently there has been complaints in your gym because where you work out, it stinks! And they are blaming it on you.
You are joking? We have a video of you at your local gym, where people are complaining because it stinks.
Let's have a look.
(BREAKS WIND) (BREAKS WIND) INSTRUCTOR: Come on, Vick! Attack the day! (BREAKS WIND) Reet, that's it! (BREAKS WIND) (BREAKS WIND) Two, take your time.
Three, four I am quite impressed, I did not realise there was so many dif Yeah, varying degrees of fart.
I tell you what, seeing as it is the last episode of the series, I thought it would be nice if we order a bit of take-out, yeah? Great idea.
Special treat.
A bit of Indian? Curry I am into! Gino? You like curry, don't you? Er You love Indian, don't you? I do like a good cur- Just say yes.
I love a curry! Then let's play Hello and welcome to Balti Towers, Elstree.
It's the best Indian restaurant locally that I know, they have everything from vindaloos to banoonis, punanis .
.
onion bhajis.
The lovely cuisine we all love.
All you have to do to enjoy some of that food tonight is to catch it in your tray.
Holly will be shooting at you and Fearne at James Blunt.
Remember whose team you are on! Holly.
It's easy, remember! OK, I will walk over here and see what they've got.
The starter is here and lovely salads and stuff.
Just enjoy yourself.
Have you got your ball cup on? Are you in? It looks like they are silent.
FEARNE: They are in, they are in.
It turns into a council version of Daft Punk.
Visors down! HOLLY: I love this game so much.
It's really powerful, I swear.
Are you ready? Yes.
Shit! Go! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Anything? Holly's team is in the lead.
I got samosas.
Are you ready for the salad? Yes.
You like a bit of salad, don't you? Girls, give him the salad.
Three, two, one You want a beer, don't you? You want to drink? Yes? You would like a drink with your meal? Nice to have a bit of beer with Indian food.
There it goes.
Look at Mr Blunt! Yes, look at that.
There you have the sauce! Look at James Blunt! He's been in the army, look at him.
Into your glass! This one is fully packed to the max! I am scared of this now.
Bombay potatoes, are you ready? Jesus.
For fuck's sake! They are very powerful and before you fire them, we are going to an ad break.
See you in three Coming up Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Before the break, we were about to fire aBombay potato.
All you've got to do is get it in the tray.
A point for your team for the person who gets the most in there.
Come on It's easy.
Are you ready? It's so easy.
Right, it's a powerful one.
Go! AUDIENCE: Ohhhh! (APPLAUSE) Did you get yours in? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Wow, wow! Look at Gino's face! Gino, do you want to call your agent and get out? That was That was hard.
Right, let's check the trays.
Let's have a look.
Let's have a look.
22 grains of rice.
There's Gino's.
Have you been eating them? Here's Mr Blunt's there.
Ooh, no, hang on.
What we're gonna do is a tie-break.
I'm gonna fire.
Whoever gets the most wins.
Stand together.
Stand close together.
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, it is powerful, isn't it? Let's have a look at your trays.
Holy shit, is that yours? That's mine.
You've got it, you've got it.
The point goes to Fearne's team! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round areshatiiing! Can you? Bastard.
That was a bit of fun, wasn't it? Let's see if it's as exciting as our final round.
It's the buzzer round! OK, buzz in if you know the answer If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? (AMERICAN ACCENT) 'Anyone want a hotdog here?' That's in homage to Jonathan, an American person.
Oh, my God.
Ferne, what's your buzzer this week? (RP ACCENT) 'I wouldn't wipe my arse with that.
' Is that Vicky? That's Vicky! In homage to Vicky and her eloquent posh background.
Me dulcet tones.
Why is Gemma Collins so scared here in this picture? 'Can I have a corn dog?' What did you say to her? What did you do to her? I think it was that I was leaving or coming back.
You were leaving or coming.
Were you coming in her back? That's a lot of comeing.
Let's have a look.
That's right, you're coming up her back.
I was right.
Yes, you were right.
Who is this super-cool fella here? 'I want your doughnuts and a coffee.
' Holly's team.
Bruno Tonioli.
Let's have a look.
No, it's James Blunt! Oh, Blunty! I like your little sun hat.
Where is the weirdest place Vicky Pattison has ever done a wee? (GEORDIE ACCENT) 'Away lass, ganna get our coats.
' Maybe the pool.
Swimming pool? We've all done that.
Do you know summat I don't? (LAUGHTER) Where's the weirdest place you've done a wee? I wee in normal places, man.
Yeah, but what's the weirdest place? The answer was in someone's mouth.
Oh, that's a lie.
Where is it, then? Well, the sea or a swimming pool.
That is correct.
What's the poshest noise that James Blunt can make? 'Where the fuck's he gone now?' (POSH ACCENT) Oh, hello! Oh, hello! (LAUGHS) That is correct! (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
That's the end of this series of Celebrity Juice.
So I can tell you that the winning team is No chance we won.
The winning team is Fearne's team! (CHEERING) Don't you fucking dare! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, have a fantastic summer.
All the best.
Let's dance.
# JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Can't Stop The Feeling Goodbye! Ta-ra!