The Simpsons s17e15 Episode Script

1
(SINGING) The Simpsons
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(HORN BELLOWING)
(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HONKING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
D'oh!
(EXCLAIMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
I'm so stoked
about Lenny's party.
He said he's gonna make
a surprise announcement.
Ooh, maybe
he's getting married.
(SCOFFS) Why the hell
would he want to do that?
Blessed sacrament that has
made my life so rich.
I like your hat,
sweetie.
I'm not wearing a hat!
I mean the one
at the house.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Another party
and we can't go.
Yeah. Just because we's afraid
of using the uppity-box.
Hey, Ned.
Ain't no party
like a Lenny party
'cause a Lenny party
don't stop!
I gotta work tomorrow.
I better go.
Oh, my God.
How did Lenny get to be Newsfake
Magazine's man of the year?
That's just a souvenir
from an amusement park.
What? Next you'll
be telling me
he didn't meet
Woody Woodpecker.
I dated the woman in that
suit for three months.
Then she left me
for the guy
who cleans the vomit
off the roller coasters.
Lenny, I see you cut the
celery at an angle here.
(CHUCKLES) Makes my straight-cut
celery look like crap.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL GASP)
Attention, everybody.
Please shut up.
I know you're all
wondering why you're here.
The fact is I'm dying
(ALL GASP)
to tell you
that I have adopted
ALL: Aww
a new faith
ALL: Huh?
In the power of technological
advances to make me happy!
That's right! I've got a
new plasma screen HDTV.
ALL: Ooh!
I've never seen a picture
so highly defined!
Lenny, this TV is amazing!
If you’re not careful,
I might just spend
the rest of my life
on your couch.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
You don't mean that
literally, of course?
You're right, Lenny.
I
(GRUNTS)
(SPRING TWANGING)
Lenny, bring me a beer and your
deepest chamber pot. Chop-chop.
(GASPS)
Look at that
picture quality.
You can see the soulless
emptiness in that shark's eyes.
(GASPS) Ooh.
Two and a Half Men.
You can see the soulless emptiness
in Charlie Sheen's eyes.
Dad, please come home.
We miss you. (GASPS)
Is that a high-def TV?
Mom didn't say
anything about high def!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Later if I have
enough energy,
we can walk up
to the TV
and I'll show you
how thin it is.
Wow.
There's a rainbow outside.
Oh, yeah? Well, right
there's a commercial
with a dancing
cold sore.
(SINGING) Break out
(VOCALIZING)
Break out
(VOCALIZING)
(ENGINES REVVING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
ANNOUNCER: And Bodell Janx the
Third crashes into Bodell Janx.
The winner is
Bodell Janx Junior.
(LAUGHING) Wow.
I can actually
feel the heat.
Beat it.
This is my alone time.
Can you at least take
a picture of me with the TV?
I ain't falling
for that again.
HOMER: Oh, yeah.
Good times.
Stupid non-plasma TV.
Picture's so blurry, might
as well rub dirt in my eyes.
Homie,
I've been thinking.
We have been using
this TV for a long time.
So I entered a contest where the
first prize is a plasma-screen TV.
Oh! Marge! I love you!
I love you! I love you!
(MOANING)
(CHUCKLING)
Now I really hope
we win that contest.
There's a chance
we won't win?
(HOMER HUMMING)
My collection is complete. Forty
years of The Family Circus.
(LAUGHING) Uh
Hmm
(PHONE RINGING)
Y'ello?
MAN: Congratulations,
Mr. Simpson. You've won.
The big-screen TV?
(CHUCKLES) No. No one wins that.
You won third prize.
A tour of the Fox Network
in Los Angeles, California.
All expenses paid?
Oh, look. I gotta go.
(LINE HANGS UP)
TOUR GUIDE: Here's where we make
The Best Damn Sports Show Period.
And there's where we make the
worst damn comedy show, period.
(ALL JEERING)
Ooh, why, look!
There's Dan Castellaneta
from The Tracey Ullman Show.
Hey, funny man!
Say something funny!
Please don't lean out of the tram, sir.
You might get hurt.
"Oh, don't lean out
of the tram"
(GROANING)
Here's where we develop
our many reality shows.
There's Dwarf or Midget?
America Decides.
And Million Dollar Fart-Off.
(FARTING)
Mother Flippers?
What's this show about?
Uh, this is a reality program,
dear, where we take wives
from two very
different families
and they trade places
for a month.
I already saw that exact same
show on another network.
(CHUCKLES) Here, sweetie.
Have a Fox sweatshirt.
This is an ABC sweatshirt.
Yeah. And it zips all the way up.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(SINGING) She'll be coming
'round the mountain
'Cause I'm saving
all my love for you
She'll be coming
'round the mountain
Spray 'em down.
(ALL SCREAMING)
So what's the prize
on this wife swap show?
Oh, about enough to
buy a new plasma TV.
(GASPS) That's just the
product I've been coveting!
Pick us! Pick us!
Ah, not so fast.
Are you sure you want your most
intimate moments broadcast
across the country?
Are you kidding?
Take a look at my DVD.
(CHUCKLING) They'll never let
me near Lake Havasu again.
What are you doing,
Homer?
I'm signing us up
for a reality show
where we trade you
to another family.
Well, that might
be interesting.
Or it could damage
many, many lives.
Oh, Marge, you're the
greatest mom ever.
I want the whole
world to see that.
That's very sweet.
But I
Look, ma'am,
I've done a lot of these.
Everybody has fun,
no one gets hurt,
and you make a lot of money
you could really use.
And if you say yes now,
it'll make a great act break.
I'll do it!
Perfect. But could
you say it again
with more emphasis
on the "I'll?"
I'll do it!
Mmm, no, no.
Go back to the first way.
I'll do it! Wait, wait.
I wasn't happy with that.
You know what? Just do it the way
it feels comfortable to you.
I'll do it!
I'll do it! I'll do it!
How was that?
Uh, we'll get it later.
These are
the Heathbars.
Verity, who will be
your new mom,
is the youngest ever
full professor at Yale.
I got my tenure at 28.
Oh, really? Bart, when
did you get your tenure?
I got my tenure
right here.
Yeah?
Well, I have full tenure!
(HUMMING)
Ugh! We better
pixelate those.
There aren't enough
pixels in the world!
Yeah. Urn, just cover it
with Ryan Seacrest's head.
This is Charles.
You can call me Charlie,
but do not call me late
when there are scones about.
(LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
A little British humor.
I'll bet the twist is
he's gay.
Your two families will
exchange wives for a month.
Then a viewer vote will decide who
they think is the least reprehensible.
I don't understand, Dad.
Our family has
so many flaws.
Why must we share
them with the world?
Because we'll be on TV and
earn enough money to buy a TV!
TV!
But Dad
Yes, T-Visa?
Ugh! Forget it.
Listen up, Stonehenge.
I made a drawing of the places
on Marge you can't touch.
Especially the hair!
Oh!
You needn't worry. I'm a bit of
an elbow man myself, actually.
(CHUCKLES) Bit different,
bit weird, not sexual.
You take forever
to say nothing.
You know,
you don't seem like
the money-hungry
semi-stripper
who's usually on Fox.
Why do you do it?
Well, l thought
there was no further way
I could humiliate
my husband.
And then this
opportunity came along.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I see.
Well, I should be getting
to the living room.
You know,
I despise my husband.
Well, he didn't get the prize
pig at the fair either.
Charles hasn't
satisfied me in years.
Yeah. That's how I feel
about Notre Dame football.
Cruel, dusty years.
I don't know why I ever
married that woman!
(MARGE HUMMING)
So, Charles, what do
you do for a living?
Well, I'm an
office manager.
And no, I didn't even get
a promotion today, again.
So go on.
Go ahead.
Disembowel me with your
pointy, pointy words.
Really? You manage
a whole office?
Yes. Yes. Yes,
I do, actually.
Well, that's
very impressive.
Does that include the
people and the furniture?
Yeah. And I decide where
the Christmas party's held.
Actually, it's decided
by committee,
but you know, I choose the committee.
Hello? (CHUCKLES)
I don't choose
the committee as such,
(STAMMERING) but you know,
I choose where they meet.
This year, I am thinking
of Conference Room C.
Ooh!
That leaves A and B
available for overflow.
Well done.
(VIDEO GAME NOISES)
Bart, I told you, no television
until you do the dishes.
And I do not call
that doing the dishes.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Well, my mom says
why bother punishing me?
I never learn.
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
Disgusting.
Young man, I'm going to turn
that cartoon into homework!
Help me, cameraman. I let you
smoke a cigarette in my bedroom!
That was a joint. And I have a name.
It's Doug.
"Then Itchy used
an ice cream scoop
"to scoop out
Scratchys heart
"and make it a sundae.
The end."
Now Homer, would you care to
give your report on CSI: Miami?
Uh, okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"There's this guy that got killed.
I think it was in Miami.
"So CSI: Miami
investigated-ed it.
"Then a family said how much
they loved the Olive Garden.
"Then I fell asleep.
"When I woke up, Letterman
was talking to Alias."
That's wonderful!
Indeed. Now if
you'll excuse me,
I have a Mandarin
Chinese lesson.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
He's a very
impressive boy.
The apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
A tree that's been alone
for far too long.
I don't get it. Are you
saying you're the tree?
Maybe.
Are my roots showing?
(CHUCKLING)
Wordplay. Brilliant.
Would you like
to hear a joke?
As long as it's not
a knock-knock joke.
I always ruin them
by saying, "Come in."
No, no. This joke is
actually quite funny.
(CHUCKLING) You see, this
man, he finds a magic lamp.
And a genie comes out.
That's funny.
That's just the setup.
Well, you've set me up
for laughs down the road.
So the genie says,
"I'll give you three wishes,
"but whatever you get,
your wife gets double-"
Okay? Remember that.
Oh, how nice for her.
Now here's the humor. The man
says, "I want a new car."
The genie says,
"Your wife gets two."
Okay' remember
the double? Yeah.
The man says,
"I want a new house."
So the genie says,
"Your wife gets two."
Mmm-hmm.
So the man says
(LAUGHING)
"Beat me half to death."
It's funny.
Don't you get it?
Because she gets double.
So if he gets beaten
half to death,
the wife would be
beaten to death.
(LAUGHING)
That sounds horrible.
I agree. Terrible.
Offensive towards women.
Little amusing, don't you think?
No!
Me either. Spousal abuse, it's
It's a real problem.
It's not funny. lt's
tragic if anything, so
Well, I liked the genie part.
That was fun.
You think so?
Yes.
I could really picture him
with curly shoes
and smoke
all over the place.
You're a born storyteller.
Uh, well, yeah.
I suppose I am.
Yeah. Yeah.
Not a murderer.
No. (LAUGHING)
Hmm
Would you like to
hear another joke?
I sure would. Let me just
get us some iced tea.
One more kind word from her
and lam completely smitten.
Ooh, your toaster
takes bagels.
How ritzy!
And there we have it.
(SNIFFING) Ooh.
What's that
delicious smell?
I'm burning all your underwear.
(GROANS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
What's with the kimono?
Are we having La Choy?
(CHUCKLES)
No, Marge.
I was just sitting around
drinking vermouth
and contemplating how just when
you're drowning in a pit of despair,
life can throw you a beautiful,
blue life preserver.
Huh. I thought life preservers
only came in orange.
Because wouldn't it be hard
to see blue in the ocean?
Buh, buh, buh, buh.
No logic. Not tonight.
Where's Ben?
The housekeeper
took him out for a walk.
How long do we
have to stay here?
Until I'm sick
of drinking these!
And I'm never sick
of drinking these!
(PLAYING SAD TUNE)
That's right.
It just gets worse.
So you see, we have the
whole house to ourselves.
Oh! Who left this here?
Did I tell you
I'm a bit of a songwriter?
Words and music.
Hold the applause.
I wrote this song
for a woman. You.
Huh. What an odd thing for a man
who's not interested in me to do.
Yes, not interested.
Let me just breathe your scent
for a moment before I play.
(SHUDDERING)
(SINGING) Lady,
when you came to me
I was feeling blue
Blue just like
your hair, you see
Blue just like the moon
But only when
the moon is blue
And not when
it is green
And now that
you are here with me
I am in a dream
Oh, yeah, Marge. Your
dreams can come true.
Lady, when you go away
I feel like I could die
Not like dye
like your hair is dyed
But die like Lady Di
And not like Di
like her name is Di
But die like
when she died
(SIGHS) Ooh.
But Lady just like Lady Di
Be my princess tonight
But don't die
Don't die. No way.
That song was very nice.
How'd you think up
so many rhyming words?
Marge, I love you!
And I can tell from your
basic level of courtesy
that you love me, too.
What? No!
Listen, Charles,
I don't want to
hurt your feelings
Because you love me,
right? Admit it.
We were born to fall into each
others arms on reality TV!
I'm sorry,
but I love Homer.
(SIGHS)
Of course you do.
He's a real man.
Not like me.
A miserable toad under the
thumb of the biggest bitch
this side of the
Westminster Kennel Club.
Charles, please,
your son might see this!
He's not my son!
His real father's either the
pool man or my wife's lover.
(SOBS)
They're the main
two candidates
I've narrowed it down to.
Pretty sure.
Mmm. There, there.
God, I miss Homer.
I miss him, too.
What is it about him that
is so damned irresistible?
Well, he's loved me ever since
the first moment he saw me.
And he's never stopped.
And whatever it takes
to make me happy,
he'll do it,
even if it kills him.
Sorry, I ran out of tape just before
that beautiful speech of hers.
But I got a great shot of him
saying his son's a bastard.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Lisa? What are you doing
in the Nutmeg State?
Fox flew me out here
to bring you back.
They flew me on
Prim-Lay's Air Force Yum.
And I'm required to say, "Come to
the cool ranch and rope in flavor.
"Yee haw."
Let's go home, sweetie.
I'm sure there's a hamper
full of Homer waiting for me.
And I'm coming with you
to tell my sea hag of a
wife, "You're fi red !"
(CHUCKLES)
l was doing, uh, Donald
Trump, billionaire?
If you knew who he was, you'd be dying.
(CHUCKLING)
I know who
Donald Trump is.
Me, too.
(SCOFFS) I don't think you do.
Spot on.
She's nowhere to be seen!
Time to let Homer
be Homer!
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Homie, I missed you
so much!
Put your pants back on.
Oh, Marge,
thank God you're back!
She made me spend
time with the kids!
And not just W time,
talking time!
Where is she?
Where's the soul-sucking
she-beast that I call sweet-ums?
Maggie?
She's in her crib.
No. My soon-to-be
ex-wife.
I, uh
I don't think you want
to see her just now.
Oh, yes, I do.
(LAUGHS)
She's got the shock of
her life coming to her.
Charles, I'm leaving you.
You snooze, you lose.
(SCOFFS) You're
leaving me for him?
So it would appear.
However, Cousin Itt there
was born a woman.
What brought us together
is how much we hate you.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna vote
"No" on 38 so you can't adopt!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
Kidding! Kidding!
I don't vote.
The polling place is up a hill,
and I never make it! Ow!
(PLAYING GUITAR)
(SINGING)
You make me laugh
You make me cry
Without you
I'd just want to die
For the rest of my life
You'll be a fixture
Now let me enjoy
Your picture in picture
And, Marge,
you're pretty great, too.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, yeah.
Can you feel it?
Just over the credits.
Just riffing now.
Words and chords.
Not the poetry
and the real thing,
but not bad for an ad-lib.
Not good. But
And it's not long enough.
So just do a little bit more.
And that's nearly done.
That's the final credit.
There, that's the end.