The Simpsons s17e17 Episode Script
Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore
I love it when Mr.
Burns shows a movie at work.
I'm not sittin' up front with you guys.
It's bad for your eyes.
Suckers.
Before we begin the movie, please join me in a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! The american worker: Proud, tough, hardworking.
And tired! These jobs are killing us.
Outsourcing, take them away! It's a miracle! They moved our factory to a third-world nation.
Now I have more time to play the lottery.
Ka-ching! Hey, america, why not let some of the other countries carry their share of the load? You can, with the best kind of sourcing: Outsourcing.
what a great film.
And I think it makes a terrific point: Effective immediately, I'm closing the plant and moving all operations to India.
Does this mean we're losing our jobs? No, no.
Your jobs are safe.
They'll just be done by someone else in another country.
No! I just bought a $3 million house! However, federal law requires I keep one union worker on the payroll.
So, congratulations, whoever catches this bouquet! Woo-hoo! I win! In your face, best friends! You've been transferred to India!? Hey, Marge, it's what I gotta do to keep this family living in luxury.
Luxury? This thermostat is just painted on.
My god! You're right.
I'd better call the guy.
Send someone right over.
Here he is.
Dad, that's Mac tonight.
Yeah? Well, while I'm gone, you'll do what he says.
What's a Macgyver, and why does it have a convention? Macgyver was a show about a secret agent who used inventions made of everyday objects to defeat bad guys.
And he was played by the three greatest names in the history of television: Richard Dean Anderson.
Did someone mention my names? Richard Dean Anderson! You finally came to our convention! No.
I'm looking for the convention for my new show, Stargate: SG1.
That.
It's over there.
Star-gate, S.
G.
-One! Star-gate, S.
G.
-One! You're into Macgyver? That show was so stupid.
"Oh, I'm Macgyver.
I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster.
" That show was just a paycheck to me, and nothing more.
How could he say that? Macgyver is my world.
Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans! Star-gate! Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "star" franchises: -Wars, -trek, -gate, and -search, "-gate" is easily my third favorite.
I get that a lot.
Question S.
G.
-One: How would your character, major general Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill, react to appearing at the Springfield stargate fanfest? I feel like I've just gone through the stargate to one heck of a convention! He's aware of us! What in the name of Steve Ditko?! Hey, let go! Hey, watch the face! I need that for acting! He's gone! There must be a Stargate in this stadium! Everybody, look for it! Wait, wait.
I have some even more exciting news! There is a girl in the audience! Everybody look for her! This is a kilt, and I'm not a girl! You're as close as we'll ever get! Get him! Surprise! This is kidnapping! People are gonna know I'm missing.
There's a liquor store I go to every morning.
This isn't a kidnapping.
No.
Think of it as a two-on-one Macgyver convention.
That will never, never end.
First, you're gonna sign a couple of autographs.
You can write "help me" all you want.
No one will ever see it.
Dad, we'll miss you so much.
I'll miss you kids, too.
Attention.
India air flight 57 now boarding first class, small children and fat guys.
That's me! Homie, I got you something to read on the plane.
A book? "Secrets I learned at breakfast"? The cereal's just a metaphor.
It's a book about management, and Lee Iacocca says it's "definitely dot dot dot useful.
" Thanks, sweetie.
I've never been less angry to receive a book.
this isn't India! Where's the university of Notre Dame, the indy 500, Wrigley Field, Dodger Dogs? You ignorant american, you have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.
No! I took a job on the other side of the world! I hate this subcontinent! Hello.
Lisa, it's me! I'm in trouble! Calm down, dad.
What happened? A cow took my iPod and I punched it! Do I have to? Okay, okay, I'll showthe cow I adore it.
Baby, did you lose weight? Come on, baby,don't play hard to milk.
Okay, Apu said his cousin kavicould help me out.
Let's see Apu's cousin is medium height, dark complexion, brown eyes, black hair.
Are you Kavi? No.
Are you Kavi? Yes.
You must bemr.
Homer.
Finally! He's escaped.
We'll be bustedfor kidnapping.
I can't face jail.
I can.
Richard Dean Anderson.
Why did you come back? To tell youhow I escaped.
I had to get out before another one of your bristly kisses.
Then I remembered the blue contacts I wear to hide my latino heritage.
Now all I needed was a sling strong enough to support my 200-pound frame.
A-bra-cada-bra.
Macgyver lives.
And not just at 2:00 A.
M.
On the USA network.
My real life escapefrom your love dungeon was the most excitingthing I've ever done.
It was? Tie me up soI can do it again.
But this timedon't make it so easy.
No.
Delighted.
Too much? Not for Macgyver.
why did you want to makean entrance like that, sir? I am a showman.
Welcome, new employees, of the Bangalore nuclear power plant.
The energy generated here is transmitted through undersea cables right back to america.
You know, moe,that sign is powered by non-american workers.
So what? Your beer's germanand the TV's japanese.
Well, is there anythingin this bar that's made in America? Just this.
God! Misfire! Now I'd like to introduce you to your new manager.
You'll find his integrityand dedication make him untouchable.
Sorry I'm late.
I was doing carnac with my bodyguard.
Hindu.
What do you callthe moisture on your hin? classic.
Now, tell them howto run a nuclear plant.
Did I say "um"? Man, what do I do? Wait, the book Marge gave me.
Okay, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me, but we're bothin this together.
So say something smart or get ready to run like hell.
"In business as in breakfast, fried eggs have fragile yolks.
" He's got them eating out of his hand.
And to think you doubted him, Smithers.
Sir, can we talk about this arranged marriage of mine? Yello.
Dad, I got to write a report on the Great Lakes.
Just outsource it to Lisa.
Outsourcing is the answer to everything.
Also, I can't sleep at night 'cause there's this new bully who follows me home, and I think he's in the house.
Outsourcing.
I'm very glad to see you favor outsourcing.
I myself have found work with several american companies.
Ibm help line, this is Brian.
Have you tried disabling your firewall? Dallas fort-worth marriott.
How can I help y'all? Well, we have a cotton bowl special.
Go aggies! This is queen mama jumbo.
The stars tell me you have a question.
No, jenny, don't be dating that boy.
The bones don't lie.
He's bad mojo, girl.
Next.
Okay, here's the plan.
You lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide.
All I need are these everyday objects: A nail file, a farmer's almanac, a gun with no bullets, some bullets and three of my Macgyver writers.
Sounds great.
Can we do it during lunch? Now! Simpson, I don't know how you're doing it, but you're out putting ten times the power our american plant ever did.
Well, a little bookonce told me Having only one pancake leaves room for more bacon.
I see what you're saying.
We're crowding your plate.
In fact, there's no need for us to be here at all.
Let's go, Smithers.
You're giving meabsolute power? Sir, doesn't that corrupt? Absolutely not.
When it comes to runninga nuclear power plant this man's a god.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late fora dinner engagement.
I don't want myscooped out monkey head to get cold.
I'm not a god.
God has a white beardand invented the Da Vinci Code.
Actually, in our system of belief, there are many gods.
Let's see got the elephant man.
.
Johnny Six-Arms, papa Smurf.
These guysare pretty cool.
Maybe I am one of them.
If only I had some kind of proof.
I won a free soda! I am a god! Sir, I really don't think we should have left Simpson in charge.
No office talk.
I'm floating down the ganges with my new chums.
Those are corpses.
You never like my friends.
what's going on ? We flew all the way out here 'cause Homer sent us this crazy card.
Behind one of these doors is Homer simpson.
Behind the other, a Bengal tiger.
Choose wisely.
Both doors have tigers! One of those tigers is named Homer simpson.
Welcome home! Guess who made Macgyver burgers? Macgyver We didn't have any ground beef Yeah, but you did have slim jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
We got to get rid of this cook.
I got an idea.
Which episode are we watching tonight? "L is for Lake Tahoe: Part II"? "Bless me, Macgyver,for I have sinned"? We thought maybe you would like to see some of our globetrotting adventures.
This is Selma in line at the luray caverns.
It turned out it was the line for the ladies' room.
This is the ladies' room.
This is us at the Alberta, Canada carriage museum.
That's a phaeton.
Landau.
Buckboard.
Postchaise.
Surrey.
Surrey.
Surrey.
Selma.
Surrey.
You're in a tight spot, Macgyver.
This calls for your most ingenious escape ever.
This olive garden coupon! It expires at midnight.
You're not holding a coupon.
Macgyver away! Well, he's gone.
Yeah.
And we'll always have what he wrote on our window shade.
What did he write that in? Grape juice and tears.
+ This is the end + my only friend, the end So, Mr.
Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane and thinks he's a god and broken off all contact with the outside world? I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
You know, Smithers,"I told you so" has a brother.
His name is "shut the hell up"! A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai Mom, I'm scared.
A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai Should we take all our stuff, or are we coming back on this boat, too? Same boat, but take it anyway.
They use the boat for a Dixie land booze cruise while we're gone.
Silence! Now for my amusement, let the monkey fight the elephant.
Homie, stop! You're not a god! Marge? You're just a sweet guy from Springfield who wanted his family to have a better life Wha, wha, I I am a god! I know all.
Yeah, what's mom's birthday? It's jan feb mar it's may! May! Fir secon thir you don't have to worship him.
He's not a god.
We follow him because of the secrets he tells us.
What secrets? He told us of overtime pay.
And coffee breaks.
And flex time.
Casual fridays.
On-site daycare.
Low dental co-pays.
Muffin basketson your birthday.
With mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
This man told you about these things? Yes.
In fact, he gave them to us in a binding contract.
A-bom-shabai means "vote union.
A-bom-shabai.
A-bom-shabai.
Up until now,I was with you.
Even the beast-on-beast combat, that had potential.
But treating employees like human beings, that is madness! You appear ill, Sahib.
Maybe you should take a personal day.
Take one of mine.
They are transferable.
I'm proud of you, dad.
You're the first man to ever outsource the american worker's sense of entitlement and privilege.
Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore.
I want to go home.
How's chief Wiggum? He was gravely wounded in a bank shootout.
Yeah, he's funny.
where the workers are more desperate and ignorant; Springfield.
You're fired! You're all fired! Fired! Fired! Fired! Two months severance! Early retirement! Golden parachutes for all! Go ahead and join them, Smithers.
I know you want to.
Yes, sir! transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Job22
Burns shows a movie at work.
I'm not sittin' up front with you guys.
It's bad for your eyes.
Suckers.
Before we begin the movie, please join me in a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! The american worker: Proud, tough, hardworking.
And tired! These jobs are killing us.
Outsourcing, take them away! It's a miracle! They moved our factory to a third-world nation.
Now I have more time to play the lottery.
Ka-ching! Hey, america, why not let some of the other countries carry their share of the load? You can, with the best kind of sourcing: Outsourcing.
what a great film.
And I think it makes a terrific point: Effective immediately, I'm closing the plant and moving all operations to India.
Does this mean we're losing our jobs? No, no.
Your jobs are safe.
They'll just be done by someone else in another country.
No! I just bought a $3 million house! However, federal law requires I keep one union worker on the payroll.
So, congratulations, whoever catches this bouquet! Woo-hoo! I win! In your face, best friends! You've been transferred to India!? Hey, Marge, it's what I gotta do to keep this family living in luxury.
Luxury? This thermostat is just painted on.
My god! You're right.
I'd better call the guy.
Send someone right over.
Here he is.
Dad, that's Mac tonight.
Yeah? Well, while I'm gone, you'll do what he says.
What's a Macgyver, and why does it have a convention? Macgyver was a show about a secret agent who used inventions made of everyday objects to defeat bad guys.
And he was played by the three greatest names in the history of television: Richard Dean Anderson.
Did someone mention my names? Richard Dean Anderson! You finally came to our convention! No.
I'm looking for the convention for my new show, Stargate: SG1.
That.
It's over there.
Star-gate, S.
G.
-One! Star-gate, S.
G.
-One! You're into Macgyver? That show was so stupid.
"Oh, I'm Macgyver.
I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster.
" That show was just a paycheck to me, and nothing more.
How could he say that? Macgyver is my world.
Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans! Star-gate! Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "star" franchises: -Wars, -trek, -gate, and -search, "-gate" is easily my third favorite.
I get that a lot.
Question S.
G.
-One: How would your character, major general Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill, react to appearing at the Springfield stargate fanfest? I feel like I've just gone through the stargate to one heck of a convention! He's aware of us! What in the name of Steve Ditko?! Hey, let go! Hey, watch the face! I need that for acting! He's gone! There must be a Stargate in this stadium! Everybody, look for it! Wait, wait.
I have some even more exciting news! There is a girl in the audience! Everybody look for her! This is a kilt, and I'm not a girl! You're as close as we'll ever get! Get him! Surprise! This is kidnapping! People are gonna know I'm missing.
There's a liquor store I go to every morning.
This isn't a kidnapping.
No.
Think of it as a two-on-one Macgyver convention.
That will never, never end.
First, you're gonna sign a couple of autographs.
You can write "help me" all you want.
No one will ever see it.
Dad, we'll miss you so much.
I'll miss you kids, too.
Attention.
India air flight 57 now boarding first class, small children and fat guys.
That's me! Homie, I got you something to read on the plane.
A book? "Secrets I learned at breakfast"? The cereal's just a metaphor.
It's a book about management, and Lee Iacocca says it's "definitely dot dot dot useful.
" Thanks, sweetie.
I've never been less angry to receive a book.
this isn't India! Where's the university of Notre Dame, the indy 500, Wrigley Field, Dodger Dogs? You ignorant american, you have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.
No! I took a job on the other side of the world! I hate this subcontinent! Hello.
Lisa, it's me! I'm in trouble! Calm down, dad.
What happened? A cow took my iPod and I punched it! Do I have to? Okay, okay, I'll showthe cow I adore it.
Baby, did you lose weight? Come on, baby,don't play hard to milk.
Okay, Apu said his cousin kavicould help me out.
Let's see Apu's cousin is medium height, dark complexion, brown eyes, black hair.
Are you Kavi? No.
Are you Kavi? Yes.
You must bemr.
Homer.
Finally! He's escaped.
We'll be bustedfor kidnapping.
I can't face jail.
I can.
Richard Dean Anderson.
Why did you come back? To tell youhow I escaped.
I had to get out before another one of your bristly kisses.
Then I remembered the blue contacts I wear to hide my latino heritage.
Now all I needed was a sling strong enough to support my 200-pound frame.
A-bra-cada-bra.
Macgyver lives.
And not just at 2:00 A.
M.
On the USA network.
My real life escapefrom your love dungeon was the most excitingthing I've ever done.
It was? Tie me up soI can do it again.
But this timedon't make it so easy.
No.
Delighted.
Too much? Not for Macgyver.
why did you want to makean entrance like that, sir? I am a showman.
Welcome, new employees, of the Bangalore nuclear power plant.
The energy generated here is transmitted through undersea cables right back to america.
You know, moe,that sign is powered by non-american workers.
So what? Your beer's germanand the TV's japanese.
Well, is there anythingin this bar that's made in America? Just this.
God! Misfire! Now I'd like to introduce you to your new manager.
You'll find his integrityand dedication make him untouchable.
Sorry I'm late.
I was doing carnac with my bodyguard.
Hindu.
What do you callthe moisture on your hin? classic.
Now, tell them howto run a nuclear plant.
Did I say "um"? Man, what do I do? Wait, the book Marge gave me.
Okay, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me, but we're bothin this together.
So say something smart or get ready to run like hell.
"In business as in breakfast, fried eggs have fragile yolks.
" He's got them eating out of his hand.
And to think you doubted him, Smithers.
Sir, can we talk about this arranged marriage of mine? Yello.
Dad, I got to write a report on the Great Lakes.
Just outsource it to Lisa.
Outsourcing is the answer to everything.
Also, I can't sleep at night 'cause there's this new bully who follows me home, and I think he's in the house.
Outsourcing.
I'm very glad to see you favor outsourcing.
I myself have found work with several american companies.
Ibm help line, this is Brian.
Have you tried disabling your firewall? Dallas fort-worth marriott.
How can I help y'all? Well, we have a cotton bowl special.
Go aggies! This is queen mama jumbo.
The stars tell me you have a question.
No, jenny, don't be dating that boy.
The bones don't lie.
He's bad mojo, girl.
Next.
Okay, here's the plan.
You lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide.
All I need are these everyday objects: A nail file, a farmer's almanac, a gun with no bullets, some bullets and three of my Macgyver writers.
Sounds great.
Can we do it during lunch? Now! Simpson, I don't know how you're doing it, but you're out putting ten times the power our american plant ever did.
Well, a little bookonce told me Having only one pancake leaves room for more bacon.
I see what you're saying.
We're crowding your plate.
In fact, there's no need for us to be here at all.
Let's go, Smithers.
You're giving meabsolute power? Sir, doesn't that corrupt? Absolutely not.
When it comes to runninga nuclear power plant this man's a god.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late fora dinner engagement.
I don't want myscooped out monkey head to get cold.
I'm not a god.
God has a white beardand invented the Da Vinci Code.
Actually, in our system of belief, there are many gods.
Let's see got the elephant man.
.
Johnny Six-Arms, papa Smurf.
These guysare pretty cool.
Maybe I am one of them.
If only I had some kind of proof.
I won a free soda! I am a god! Sir, I really don't think we should have left Simpson in charge.
No office talk.
I'm floating down the ganges with my new chums.
Those are corpses.
You never like my friends.
what's going on ? We flew all the way out here 'cause Homer sent us this crazy card.
Behind one of these doors is Homer simpson.
Behind the other, a Bengal tiger.
Choose wisely.
Both doors have tigers! One of those tigers is named Homer simpson.
Welcome home! Guess who made Macgyver burgers? Macgyver We didn't have any ground beef Yeah, but you did have slim jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.
We got to get rid of this cook.
I got an idea.
Which episode are we watching tonight? "L is for Lake Tahoe: Part II"? "Bless me, Macgyver,for I have sinned"? We thought maybe you would like to see some of our globetrotting adventures.
This is Selma in line at the luray caverns.
It turned out it was the line for the ladies' room.
This is the ladies' room.
This is us at the Alberta, Canada carriage museum.
That's a phaeton.
Landau.
Buckboard.
Postchaise.
Surrey.
Surrey.
Surrey.
Selma.
Surrey.
You're in a tight spot, Macgyver.
This calls for your most ingenious escape ever.
This olive garden coupon! It expires at midnight.
You're not holding a coupon.
Macgyver away! Well, he's gone.
Yeah.
And we'll always have what he wrote on our window shade.
What did he write that in? Grape juice and tears.
+ This is the end + my only friend, the end So, Mr.
Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane and thinks he's a god and broken off all contact with the outside world? I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
You know, Smithers,"I told you so" has a brother.
His name is "shut the hell up"! A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai Mom, I'm scared.
A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai A-bom-shabai Should we take all our stuff, or are we coming back on this boat, too? Same boat, but take it anyway.
They use the boat for a Dixie land booze cruise while we're gone.
Silence! Now for my amusement, let the monkey fight the elephant.
Homie, stop! You're not a god! Marge? You're just a sweet guy from Springfield who wanted his family to have a better life Wha, wha, I I am a god! I know all.
Yeah, what's mom's birthday? It's jan feb mar it's may! May! Fir secon thir you don't have to worship him.
He's not a god.
We follow him because of the secrets he tells us.
What secrets? He told us of overtime pay.
And coffee breaks.
And flex time.
Casual fridays.
On-site daycare.
Low dental co-pays.
Muffin basketson your birthday.
With mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
Mylar balloons.
This man told you about these things? Yes.
In fact, he gave them to us in a binding contract.
A-bom-shabai means "vote union.
A-bom-shabai.
A-bom-shabai.
Up until now,I was with you.
Even the beast-on-beast combat, that had potential.
But treating employees like human beings, that is madness! You appear ill, Sahib.
Maybe you should take a personal day.
Take one of mine.
They are transferable.
I'm proud of you, dad.
You're the first man to ever outsource the american worker's sense of entitlement and privilege.
Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore.
I want to go home.
How's chief Wiggum? He was gravely wounded in a bank shootout.
Yeah, he's funny.
where the workers are more desperate and ignorant; Springfield.
You're fired! You're all fired! Fired! Fired! Fired! Two months severance! Early retirement! Golden parachutes for all! Go ahead and join them, Smithers.
I know you want to.
Yes, sir! transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Job22