The Simpsons s17e19 Episode Script

Dad, taking the family to opening night is the nicest thing you've ever done for us.
Or will ever do.
I can't wait to see this re-imagining of Itchy and Scratchy by avant-garde director Juliana Krellner.
Hey, it says here the book was written by Tom Stoppard.
This isn't a book, it's a play.
Book.
All hail the king of the cats.
They're coming down the aisles.
What if they want to interact with me? Looking through my purse, looking through my purse keep walking, monkey.
Don't worry, mom, they all passed by.
Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy Itchy, Scratchy, Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy from the day you are born in the alley Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy to the day you are hit by a car Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy there's cream to drink and mice to eat and great big balls of yarn Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy it's the circle Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy the circle of knife! I love the use of streamers as blood.
It robs the violence of its power.
I'm drenched in blood! I don't know why I trust him I guess some cats just never learn I feel so good when I have crushed him or left him mangled, maimed and burned I suppose it's symbiotic and perhaps a bit erotic 'cause painis my narcotic You really liked it? Yes, I loved it.
And that's why we're always fighting and biting and dynamite igniting Hey, check it out! I'm scratcher or something! It's the circle the circle of knife yes, the circle the circle of knifes.
Bravo! Genius! Necessary! I insist on seeing the director.
Thank you, thank you.
It's such a thrill for me to be backin my hometown, Springfield.
She also graduated from Springfield elementary.
Principal skinner! You know, Juliana, it's no surprise you became such a success.
You always got straight A's in school.
Well, I remember gettinga "b" or two in math.
Well, of course you did.
You are a girl.
No.
All All I meant was, from what I've seen, boys are better at math, science, the real subjects.
There, that should put the matter behind us.
Calm down, calm down.
I'm sure principal Skinner didn't mean girls are inherently inferior.
No, 'course not.
I don't know why girls are worse.
One thing we can all agree on, though, this little lady surelooks pretty tonight.
Am I right? Two, four, six, eight! Stop the man from teaching hate! Eight, six, four, two! We do math as good as you! One, two Skinner! You've got to deal with these kooks.
Don't worry, I have a plan: Pretend I agree with them.
Well, you'd better hurry.
Look what they've done to your car.
No, that's how it always looks.
How sad.
Today, we celebrate the first of many, many, many, many diversity forums.
Why is it that women "appear" to be worse at math than men? What is the source of this "illusion," or as I call it, the biggest lie ever told? You're a worse version of Hitler! Please believe me, I I understand the problems of women.
See?! The principal's a tranny.
Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice.
When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes.
They're all the same.
Are you saying that men and women are identical? Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
Now he's saying women and men aren't equal.
No, no, no.
It's the differences, of which there are none, that make the sameness exceptional.
Just tell me what to say.
Dear.
Attention, students.
Due to nervous exhaustion and diarrhea of the mouth Yes, yes, yes, I said "diarrhea.
" Principal Skinneris going to be replaced by women's educational expert Melanie upfoot.
Children, meet your new principal.
For too long, there's been an anti-woman bias in math.
Boys are aggressive, obnoxious, and never let us be heard.
From now on, I am splittingthe school in two, separating the boys and the girls forever.
You heard your principal.
Girls on the left, boys on the right.
This rocks! No more stupid girl classes, like ballroom dancing.
No, that's still mandatory for everybody.
Willie? Now, this is why I got into education.
They're going to divide the school in two? Yeah, one for boys and one for girls.
It is going to be awesome! Now I can walk down the hall with "Bart junior" hanging out.
Isn't that right, Bart junior? All this hoo-haw about girls and math is silly.
Women are as smart as men.
Why, a woman invented liquid paper.
Well, do you know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Well, a woman also invented the windshield wiper.
Which goes great with another male invention: the car.
I think a woman came up with nylon stockings.
I mean, probably.
We certainly use them.
Let's see, men also have rocket ships, suspension bridges, constitutional government, snow shoes, brass knuckles pinball machines, the renaissance Why did women invent sleeping on the couch? Girls' entrance.
Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow.
All right, I'm going to open this cage, but no biting! You're not the boss of my teeth! It's so beautiful! Paintingsby female artists! Frida Kahlo, Georgia O'Keefe Cathy Guisewite! Now that the boys and their atmosphere of intimidation are gone, we can finally breathe.
Breathe, ladies.
Now, let's buckle down and do some math.
Yes! How do numbers make you feel? What does a plus sign smell like? Is the number seven oddor just different? Are we going to do any actual math problems? "Problems"? That's how men see math, something to be attacked, to be "figured out.
" But isn't it? I mean, confidence building can't replace real learning.
Sounds like you're trying to derail our "self-esteem engine.
" Let's sing it back on the tracks! The best thing I can ever be is to be okay with me.
Me! Okay, boys' school, I need a challenge.
A mental challenge.
Now, boys, who can tell me the volume of this snowman? Anyone? Just add the volume of the spheres.
We know the radii.
He forgot the volume of the carrot nose, one-third base times height.
Math, I have missed you! No girls allowed! Principal skinner? It's groundskeeper Skinner now.
Assistant groundskeeper, you puke! Assistant groundskeeper Skinner, don't you think it's wrong that I can't get the best math education because I'm a girl? I don't have any opinions anymore.
All I know is that no one is better than anyone else, And everyone is the best at everything.
Not you.
You're the worst! Now get poisonin' those squirrels.
Please, be reasonable.
I-I-I-I'm sure we can Mom, the girls' school is a joke, and I'm not allowed to take the boys' math.
When I was in school, I loved math, until Hey, professor Von hubba-hubba! Want to hop in my dune bug and erode some beach? I'd love to, but I've got my calculus final tomorrow.
Come on, baby.
The only math you need is you plus me equals forever.
Oh, Homey! Since then, I haven't been able to do any of the calculus I've encountered in my daily life, but that's not going to happen to you.
Well, what can I do? They won't let me in the boys' school.
Yes unless there.
You're the perfect little he-she.
Mom, I don't think this will fool anybody.
Hey, who's the rude dude with the attitude? He's one of Bart's friends.
You seem cool.
Want to catcha movie? You never take our kids to the movies.
Let's not fight in front of my cool new friend.
What are you playing? Punch for a punch.
So, what's your name, newbie? I'm Jake.
That's your christian name.
What's your surname? Yman.
Jake Boyman.
You have Toilet paperon your shoe.
yeah, I guess I do.
I'm going to call you "Toilet.
" My name isn't Toilet.
It's Jake.
Hey, a talking toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Class, settle down.
We have a new student today.
His name is Jake Boyman.
He likes the hardy boys, boy scouts, boy bands, chef Boyardee, and he is a boy.
What are you drawing? A robot with guns for arms shooting a plane made out of guns that fires guns.
Everyone take out your math books, come on.
Now, how many different numbers can "Y" be? That's easy, just one, the number five.
Wrong.
There are two possible solutions; five and negative five.
Oh, my god, I was wrong! And by being corrected, I learned! And no one cared about my feelings! I drew a picture of you, being shot by a gun.
Hey, Toilet.
Just kidding, bro.
They used to razz me when I was new here.
It'll pass.
Hey, Mildew.
Do you like tongue twisters? Boy, do I! I'm sorry.
Do you want a jawbreaker? Boy, do I! So do you miss having the girls around? Nah.
Girls never really got me.
Did you know Lisa Simpson? I heard she was pretty cool.
Lisa? Yeah, we totally had a thing, but I had to break it off.
What the hell are you talking about?! She got too clingy.
Milhouse doesn't do clingy.
I have to go.
That was my eating food! Fight! Fight! Fight! Okay, I can talk my way out of this.
Nelson, you're not really angry at me.
You're full of rage 'cause your father abandoned you.
And because you're poor, so you don't feel like you're good enough.
You just want somebody to say "I love you.
" I love you.
I love you, too, Nelson.
I love you, Jimbo.
Hey, every joke has a kernel of truth! Hey, Lis, you missed it.
While you were at girls' school, Nelson totally whaledon this dork.
oh, my god.
That's right.
I'm Toilet.
Toilet.
Not yet.
If I do, she'll never let me go to the boys' math class again.
Hey, no one with a choice should ever have to be a girl.
I'll teach you how to be a boy.
You'd do that for me? That is so sweet.
You're a boy, nothing is sweet.
That hurt.
Sweet.
Now, when you eat like a boy, only two french fries in five should make it into your mouth.
If they fall on the floor, you want 'em more.
Because then they come with extra toppings.
I'm gonna be sick.
Awesome! Do it in that guy's bag while he's not looking.
I am looking, and don't start apuke war that you cannot finish.
Good night.
So, do you want to wang chung tonight? I don't know.
Still frowny with you.
Do you really think women are mentally inferior? Well, honey, you're just as smart as a man.
Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Well, I won't be lonely.
I can always cuddle with the dog.
At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you.
Ho, how did this happen? Now I've been every ball on the playground! Now, for your final test.
To fully become a man, you must pick a fight with someone weaker than you.
A fight? That would mean rejecting the last part of me that's still a girl.
Do it, Lisa! You'll be greater than or equal to boys.
Even though you're only eight, your possibilities are infinite.
Okay, I'll do it.
But whom should I beat up? These dots are Itchy.
Fine, I'll beat up Ralph.
Give me your lunch money.
Okay! I guess I'm gonna have to get this party started.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Forgive me for this.
Okay! You just beat up the most harmless kid in school.
Well done! Hey, Toilet, want to play guns? Sure! I know what boys like I know what guys want I know what boys like I know what's on their minds sucker And the award for outstanding achievement in the field of mathematics goes to Jake Boyman! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Thank you.
Or should I say thank you! Toilet is Lisa?! We've been Yentl'd! That's right, everyone.
The best math student in the whole school is a girl! Wait a minute! Do you know why you did good at math? Did well.
Give it a rest, Melanie.
Calling me by my first name is harassment.
Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Superintendent.
The only reason Lisa won is because she learned to think like a boy! I turned her into a burping, farting, bullying, math machine! That's a lie! I got hit by boy Lisa and girl Lisa.
what have I become? I always thought that boys had it easier.
But now I see their world is more cruel and sadistic than I ever imagined.
Chair fight! And I did get better at math, but it was only by abandoning everything I believed in.
I guess the real reason we don't see many women in math and science is would you hurry it up, please?! You're cutting into the award for best flautist! Well, whatever the answer is, I'm glad I'm a girl, and I'm glad I'm good at math.
Now enjoy your stupid flautist.
And the sandcastle virtues are all swept away in the tidal destruction the moral melee transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale, Marcel & Toki