8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e01 Episode Script
Miles Jupp, Rose Matafeo, Vic Reeves
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Miles Jupp, Rose Matafeo, Vic Reeves, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley and your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
It's the late-night numbers quiz for people that like to slip in a few digits before bedtime.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Sean is 55 years old, or as he likes to call it, three shillings and sixpence.
And joining Sean tonight, we've got Miles Jupp.
Hello.
Miles went to an all-boys boarding school.
I assume.
Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson - he's duller than the pain I feel in my left testicle.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Rose Matafeo.
When Rose won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, the New Zealand Prime Minister sent her a congratulatory tweet.
That's the New Zealand Prime Minister for ya - busy, busy, busy.
Rose, it's your first time on the show.
Are you good at the numbers, are you good at the maths? Erm, when I was younger I had a real good sense of maths and English and then the internet was invented, er, and then I kind of got a bit distracted, so I have no skills when it comes to adding or words.
Erm, so No.
- Er - I think you're gonna fit right in.
Are you happy to be on a team with Jon? I am so happy to be on a team with Jon.
I am over the moon.
He is a loving father, a good husband and he regularly donates to charity Was that what you wanted me to say? That was good.
I think it sort of came across a bit like I was YOUR dad.
- I know, it didn't it? - It did, yeah.
I shouldn't have opened with "loving father".
Jon, what would people be surprised to hear about you, Jon? I imagine they'd be surprised to hear I've got a tattoo.
I haven't, but It'd be a hell of a surprise, wouldn't it? Imagine that.
I'm wearing odd socks.
I'm not, again, imagine the gasps.
I'm respected by my peers.
I'm not, but .
.
imagine if I said it.
I don't wanna surprise people.
Come and see Jon Richardson, you want a tedious man in a cardigan to whinge until you leave and feel better about the life you left behind when you came here.
Sean, you're a collector of things.
Do you collect anything? Wh-where have you heard this from? There arethere are rumours that you collect things.
Have you been in my house? No, I used to collect stuff, but I'm actually the opposite now.
I'm what you'd call a I think people call it uncluttering.
Er, the council call it fly-tipping.
- Getting rid of stuff, getting rid of stuff - Right.
.
.
to a point where that becomes an obsession as well.
I got rid of all the tables, the chairs and tables in our house.
We, as a family, eat at five lecterns .
.
cos obviously the sloped surface means there's no soup or stew.
Peas.
Even sprouts are tricky.
Custard, no.
Mostly we just stand at lecterns eating bananas.
But, er, yeah, I used to collect stuff like crazy.
I used to collect, you know those life-saving rings, you know? In public places.
You know, where you see a pond or, you know, a harbour, cos they have the name, they have the name of the place.
Right.
No, it's a keepsake.
If they don't want it to be stolen, they shouldn't make them so easy to take off.
That's what I think.
Yeah, it's a good point.
Miles, you and Sean have been on a winning streak recently.
What makes you such a good team? Well, what does make us a good team? We've got chemistry, I think.
Oh, absolutely sizzling, yeah.
We're likewe're like two snuggled-up fajitas.
But I suppose, yeah, really, it's probably down, we've sort of similar backgrounds, similar interests.
Mm.
Yeah.
And we've got the same hobbies, haven't we? - We both like, er, drinking and fighting.
- Yeah, we do.
It's like seeing a mirror talk to itself.
It's amazing.
And what about mascots? Jon, have you got a mascot? I've noticed over recent time period, erm, a rise in the sort of sale of these sort of things.
I get given a lot of them.
Sort of witty messages written on bits of wood that are supposed to make you feel better about life.
And what really annoys me about them, they sort of hint at quite bleak comedy, that when you analyse them, the basic message is that men go into sheds and masturbate quietly on their own, and women just clock-watch until they can drink enough gin to escape their miserable lives.
So, I thought in these troubled times, why not get in on that market? And my messages are slightly pithier, they're slightly more to the point, and they're all written in an ecological angle on things that I've found washed up on my local beach at Blackpool.
Some of them aren't finished yet, so this is one I'm still working on.
It says This one is - Oh, you're having one of those weeks, are you? - Yeah! Ah.
More and more, would you believe.
Best to keep it private.
That's my advice, mate.
This is a number of things I've gathered from the beach and this is both an ecological message and it's a message about trying to find love in our times and it's entirely made from condoms that have washed up.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER I've written it.
It spells out in the condoms, you can see that, "There are actually fewer fish in the sea thank you think.
" And that's both a message about the fleeting nature of love, which is why I've used the condoms as the medium for this piece, and, of course, because the condoms are choking the wildlife of our seas, so it's both a literal message about the fact that if you're gonna use a condom, and you absolutely should, just And I don't really know what you do with them.
- Swallow 'em.
- Swallow them? Swallow 'em, straight away afterwards.
Like a chewy oyster.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER It's incredible the things you find on the beach and I can't believe the things people throw away.
So, this is my biggest piece, and this is a sort of wider message about the time we live in.
This is called Time and this is something I've found on Blackpool beach last week.
Nobody claimed it.
I watched for about an hour, erm, nobody came, and I think It hasn't moved, so I assume it's for sale, so 50 quid or something for that if anyone's, erm, interested.
What does it say on it? It says, "We are all".
That's the, er, gentleman.
"We are all.
" It's quite beautiful.
Oh, he's alive.
I thought you were, erm Rose, have you got a mascot? Yeah, well, it's my first time on the show.
I feel nervous, so I wanted to relax.
I'm a massive crocheter, so I've bought my crochet in today and I'm hoping to finish a blanket by the end of the show.
Can you crochet, Jimmy? - Can you? - No.
I can do it with my eyes closed now.
Do you want me to show you? Yeah, go on.
One crochet, and the crowd can verify if this is actually crochet.
So, I'm doing a chain here, another chain, and then we're going in here, into this hole, around, and we're doing a double crochet through these and then through here.
Did I do it? Yeah, perfect, there, so APPLAUSE I'm gonna be working on that.
That is somesome nice crocheting you've got there.
It's quite good and I love crochet because it means that I don't have to make direct eye contact with people.
Miles, have you got a mascot? Er, I do actually, yeah.
It is related to this, er, this bell here.
Something I've become involved in recently, it's essentially a sort of charity, it's about giving less advantaged people opportunities and what I do is I ring this bell and then this happens.
See, what this is, this is Ian here and Ian's got a trolley, you see, cos what am I training you up to be, Ian? A beef waiter.
- Oh.
- To serve Mr Jupp his beef.
If you could That's right just across there.
Perfect.
It's a good system, isn't it, Ian? It's good.
- Yeah, I'm learning a valuable skill.
- He's learning a very valuable skill.
And it benefits both of us, I would say, because Ian is not long out of prison.
He was in prison, it was something to do with a donkey.
- Don't.
- He stole it or he mistreated it or he rode it where he shouldn't have done, and, erm LAUGHTER Plate, always the plate, remember? Thanks.
I'm gonna need a knife and fork.
That's right.
Thank you.
Is that enough? That is Two more pieces.
I'll bring, I'll bring Just gently.
Right, that is quite a big Did you cut? Christ, Ian.
I'll give you a little one.
- Just a little one, there we go.
- For garnish.
Thank you very much indeed, Ian.
- That's a good start to the evening, I think.
- Thank you.
Excellent.
Well, Jimmy, you may continue.
- Are you gonna eat all of that? - Yeah.
Well, I - Is it nice beef? - I'm gonna give It's excellent beef, yeah.
When do you next plan on having a shit? Not while he's eating his beef.
You know this might be the only thing you see me eat today and immediately you're thinking, the first mouthful, "Oh, how long does it take you to have a shit?" I mean, what Have you got quite an efficient system? Oh, sometimes I've shat before I've even eaten it.
Sometimes I have one in the morning and I think, "Well, I haven't eaten anything, so that must the Weetabix "I'm about to have.
" OK, Sean have you got a mascot? Well, you know these days, there's a lot of vouchers and I think that it's a huge market and I'm gonna move into it, so I've come up with a system of vouchers for different things.
For example, this one is a voucher from Dignitas, and, er .
.
you buy one, you get one free .
.
and if you take part in their loyalty scheme, you can get the whole family done at a very reasonable price.
- What a lovely thought.
- Yeah.
What pet owner wouldn't be delighted to open an envelope and find that they had a voucher for a free worming for a small dog or a large cat? I've got quite a few of these vouchers, Jimmy.
Here's one.
This is meet Kid Creole & The Coconuts.
Now, to be honest with you, I've got quite a lot of these.
It was Kid Creole's idea, he got in touch with me.
I think he's just lonely and he wants to meet people.
Where are they redeemable? Those ones.
Oh, you just have to, erm LAUGHTER Most shops, most high-street shops? Well, no, there's loads of information - that comes with the voucher.
- Oh, OK.
Cos I had to contact Kid Creole, I mean - It doesn't seem to say anything on the back.
- Eh? This may come as a bit of a shock to you, but I'm doing jokes.
Fucking hell.
OK, this one allows you to pull the emergency cord on a train.
Everybody wants to do that once in their life.
Obviously no-one should try doing that, unless you have a voucher.
Yeah.
I would like to get that, say, "Oh, I can just go and" And then just go, "Ha-ha!" as all the red-faced people come towards you during the rush hour.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" And they go, "Urgh!" This one, this is a good one.
This allows you to shoplift up to the value of £100.
You get caught, you just go, "Ha-ha!" And, er, of course, you don't need to use it till you get caught.
Park in the middle of Stonehenge.
Be a dentist for a day.
I mean, I can do the whole show if you want.
And this one, up to ten minutes before it starts, you can cancel a school nativity play.
They're all about to go, they've got their wings on, and you just hold that up to the And the whole thing's off.
You can masturbate in front of a junior member of staff.
Give that to Jimmy Oh! Ah, it expired in 1975.
Sean's vouchers, everyone.
A lot of fun.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Vic Reeves.
Vic, I've got a question for you.
What's the first thing you do in the mornings? Wake up.
Open the window, climb in.
Put me clothes on, have a shower.
I'm not stupid, I have an umbrella.
OK, and with Vic is, of course, Susie Dent.
Susie recently went on an eight-date theatre tour.
I bought a ticket and it was the best seat in the house.
My house.
I did not go.
Have there been any mishaps on regular Countdown recently, Susie? Yes, we have mishaps all the time, particularly during my Origins Of Words bit, the bit you love.
- That bit? - Yeah.
I've never seen it, I always fast-forward, but I was talking about the earliest dictionaries, which were dictionaries of criminal slang, so underground slang, and I was talking about this magistrate in the 16th century who just loved collecting all these kind of grim and grimy words, and apparently he would stand at his door and ask these passing people to give them his words and he shouted, "Either I'll throw you in prison or you give me your cant.
" LAUGHTER And "cant" is the word for criminal slang, and it came out wrong - very wrong.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel recently released her own fragrance and became a vegan, but not in that order.
Have any unusual words come up on regular Countdown recently? One contestant offered SHAGGER, the next one offered SHAGGED, and the only thing that Susie could add to the collection was DOGGERS.
OK, well, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown Wheel of Cheese.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
- OK, consonant.
- Cheers, Miles.
H Sorry, er, another consonant.
R A vowel, please.
A A consonant.
Another vowel, please.
I - Yeah, vowel.
- Oh, er, another vowel.
O Another consonant.
F Another vowel.
A - Consonant.
- Yeah, we'll have a consonant.
- The last one S OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's not what we rehearsed.
Er, how many? Five for me.
Sean, how many? - Six, Jimmy.
- Rose? - Six.
- Jon? Er, five.
That's disappointing.
I think it's the beef - I got ROAST.
I got ROAST and then I couldn't get any further.
- Oh, you'd better go and - Do you want me to, OK? There we go.
Right, OK.
So, ROAST.
What was your five, Miles? TRASH - TRASH? - What did you look at me for when you said that? I didn't.
Sean? RATIOS AUDIENCE: Oooh! I know, good for Sean, innit? And, Rose? FIRTHS? FIRTHS? - F-FIRTHS? - FIRTHS.
Could you use that in a sentence? Well, those firths arehot.
- It's a word right? - Yeah.
- Susie, is that? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- Estuaries.
- Yeah, as Rose said, estuaries.
Well, six points to both teams.
Vic, could they have done any better? Yes, they could, and they're both to do with fish - OARFISH and RATFISH.
The OARFISH, which has got an oar on its back.
It actually has got a wooden oar on its back.
And the ratfish, which is, in fact, a rat and a fish, combined.
They could have had seven points.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
- Jon, Rose, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Okey doke.
- What do you think? - A biggie.
- Yeah.
- And a smally.
Yeah.
- Another biggie.
- Yeah.
What else do we get? - I'd stick with smallies for here on in.
- Smally.
- Smally.
Well, that is very much your moto, isn't it, Jon? Right, they are 6, 7, 7, 10, 50 and 25.
And the target, 931.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
OK, so the target was 931.
Jon, did you get it? I think I got 932.
Ah, well, you did not, then.
Very disappointing.
Rose, did you get it? - Nowhere near.
- Sean did you get it? - 935.
- Very disappointing.
Miles? Er, I got a third of the way there.
A third of the way? I got 9.
How did you do that? Well, I I don't think you did.
Jon, how did you get 932? Well, I'm not sure I did, but let's see.
6 x 7 6 x 7 = 42 - 50 10 50 10 = 5 5 x 25 = 925 + 7 And the other 7.
Yeah, one away.
Well done.
Very good.
Seven points to Jon.
Can it be done? Erm, yeah.
It wasn't easy, but I found three ways.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Go on, how was it? - You could have said 25 - 6 = 19 7 x 7 = 49 19 x 49 Oh, it's easier than I thought.
Did you do that on the 19 times table or the 49 times table? 7 x 133, so 7 x 7 x 19.
That's just saying other numbers.
So, Sean and Miles have 6, Jon and Rose have 13.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are LICK BONG, and the clue is - stop that right now.
That's LICK BONG - stop that right now.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were Lick Bong, the clue was "Stop that right now.
" It was, of course, Blocking.
So, Jon and Rose are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Rose.
So, Rose, your turn to choose.
All right.
May I please have a consonant? - Thank you, Rose.
- P.
I'm going to go with two vowels.
I and E.
- Nice.
- Ooh.
And I'll stop there.
Um, OK, two more consonants.
V and .
.
S.
What shall I do? Another consonant? Yeah.
- G.
- Vowel.
U.
Consonant.
- C.
- Oh.
What shall I do? Another vow? Vowel? No, ah.
No.
No.
- Don't you dare? Consonant.
- T.
- Yeah.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I've made cocktails.
Lovely.
Also, if anyone wants some.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, sorry, Jon, I made one for you as well.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Sean, I made you one with bacon in it.
Nice? That's just mouthwash and vodka.
LAUGHTER That's real, innit? Yeah.
You weren't messing about.
I take it very seriously.
- It's nice.
- Um, Rose, how many? Oh, five.
- Five? - I know, really bad.
- Ahh.
- Terrible.
- OK.
It's disappointing when you think something's going to be big and then it's small, isn't it, Jimmy? - Do you want another drink? - Yes, please.
OK.
Well, let's see how long we can make this game last.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
How many, Sean? Five.
OK, Sean, what's your five? Guest.
Guest, OK and Rose? Um, I'm going to go with spite.
- Go with spite.
- Spite.
Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Very good Rose, very good.
Vic, could they have done any better? Seven, I've got seven.
Yeah.
- Susie, you've got 6.
- Yeah.
I got "piegust" which is, you know, after you've had a good pie.
LAUGHTER - I'm not sure if that's a word.
- Oh, it definitely is.
It's more of a feeling.
Right, Susie's got septic or cuties.
OK, so Sean and Miles have 11, Jon and Rose have 18.
APPLAUSE Right, its now time for Miles and Jon to go head-to-head.
Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK, um, right I'll just - RINGS BELL .
.
if you don't mind me doing that first.
I will I'll have one big one, please.
- OK, do you want to just carry on? - Yeah, yeah.
- Say, maybe, four small ones.
- Yeah.
Have they been looking after you in the room? - They've ignored me entirely.
- Excellent.
OK, one big one, four small ones and one big one.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- That's absolutely fine, we'll just.
- On it.
Its condiment time, Ian.
Right, we've got English mustard, horseradish, ketchup.
- Ketchup with beef? - No, no, sorry, never.
Never ketchup.
French mustard, Reggae Reggae.
- I'll have Reggae Reggae.
- Reggae Reggae? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Will you please consider having a salad? - No, I'm - You really must have some roughage.
I'm absolutely fine, Ian.
People are quite worried.
What, like, the doctor? Who's worried? No, your plumber.
He called me in tears the other day.
- Thank you, Ian.
- I'll be in the room.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE You can eat some beef, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry, sorry, it was just cos I need a bit of, like, brain food.
OK, well, you've had, you've had a nine, there.
Yeah, huh-huh.
- Now you have a ten.
- Ooh, Reggae Reggae.
And a two.
A six and a 75 and a 25.
And the target is 652.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 652.
Miles, did you get it? I Yes, I did.
Yeah.
Oh.
LAUGHTER Jon, did you get it? No, I got 651.
OK, well, Miles, how did you do it? Well, you get 9 times 75.
And then you minus the 25.
- Ah, lovely.
- 650.
And you add the 2.
- The beef has worked.
- Yes.
Wow.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us? Well, I'd like, thank you, Jimmy, I'd like to present a short excerpt from one of the lectures I do at the Royal Historical Society, giving information about our realm and its history, and I've done some drawings here.
I'd like to present it in the realm of song, um, and its about our monarch, Henry VIII.
So, music, please.
# I'd like to tell you a story tonight # Henry VIII was capable of flight # One night after sex he drew some wings # And flew around his boudoir pissing on things # There he goes, flying low # Flying slow and smoking a pipe # Run for your life # Oooh # Henry VIII was capable of flight Henry VIII was ca-pa-ble of flight.
APPLAUSE Vic Reeves, everyone.
OK, so the scores at the moment, Jon and Rose are on 18, Sean and Miles have 21.
- APPLAUSE - Nice work.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ace holes.
The clue is "Put a bow in it.
" That's ace holes, "Put a bow in it.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ACE HOLES.
The clue was - put a bow in it.
It was, of course, SHOELACE.
OK, another letters game coming up, and to ramp up the tension, this time, it's the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC LAUGHTER In this game, we're playing for double points.
It's the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Miles, are you feeling the pressure? Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER I'll tell you what, his bloody colon's feeling the pressure.
LAUGHTER Er, Sean, Miles, you get to pick the letters on the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC If you could look slightly more tense, Miles, and not be giggling.
Yeah, sorry.
- OK, now pick some letters.
- OK.
Er, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant.
M, J, R, B.
Er, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel.
I, E, A, I.
- I, E, A - What have you done? LAUGHTER Would you want a consonant or a vowel next, Sean? Well, I think you'd better go with a consonant.
Well, er, vowel, please.
LAUGHTER A consonant.
- A consonant? D.
- OK, for double points in the Tension Round DRAMATIC MUSIC Your time starts now.
UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC THUNDERCLAP Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Zero! THUNDERCLAP APPLAUSE Oh, God.
What the? What was? APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT WORDS That was horrible.
That shifted some beef.
LAUGHTER - It was tense, wasn't it? - It's not so much tense until right at the end when a fucking bomb goes off.
LAUGHTER Er, Jon, how many letters? Five.
- Rose, how many? - Five.
- Sean? - Five.
Miles, how many? Er, I got five.
I got four different fives actually.
I also got confetti in my Reggae Reggae Sauce.
LAUGHTER Common enough complaint.
What are you drinking there, out of interest? Whatever you gave me.
LAUGHTER It looks like canal water.
I assume it's safe, I mean, I'm guessing the beef's safe to eat as well.
LAUGHTER Miles, what were your fives? Er BRAID, BREAD, BREAM, BEARD.
- Yeah.
- OK, erm, Sean? Yeah, that, what he had.
- What he had? OK, Rose? - Yeah, same.
OK, erm, Jon? BREAD, BREAD, BREAD.
OK, er, Vic, Susie, could they have done any better? Erm, BARDIE, which is an Australian colloquialism.
- What? Well, I'm not - Do you know what a BARDIE is? No, what is a BARDIE? It's edible insect lava.
- Oh! - Hmm.
OK, well, it's You've got fives, but it's double points cos it was the Tension Round, so DRAMATIC MUSIC Ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Right, on to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Rose, you pick the numbers.
Um, OK.
Let's be honest, no matter what I pick, I will do nothing with them.
So, it's up to you.
I mean, how much do you want that cheese? That's what you've got to ask yourself.
I noticed there was a bottle of red wine next to it - and that has ramped up the tension somewhat.
- Yeah.
But I'll be honest, I'm still trembling from that going off.
So, this will be a good test of how good at numbers a dog on Bonfire Night would be.
LAUGHTER So, what I really want to do now is - Yeah, get in the airing cupboard.
- Let's do that test! LAUGHTER Six small is the exciting thing to do.
Six small.
Wow, he's going for it.
- Six small? - More tense than the Tension Round.
- They've ruined this bit.
- Fuck off, Jon.
LAUGHTER We've got 10, 9 - Six small? - 6 8, 6 and 1.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 808.
Sean, did you get it? No, I got 806.
OK, Miles, did you get it? Er, no.
750 something.
Jon, did you get it? I think so.
I've either got it or I've got 80-something and I'm about to make an absolute tit of myself.
Oh, that'll be fun either way.
Rose, did you get it? - I got 806.
- 806? - Yeah.
- OK.
So, Jon, how did you do it? 10 x 9 = 90 10 x 9 = 90 He's only bloody right.
6 + 6 - 1 = 11 Yeah.
- Add them together.
- 101.
- x 8.
- Good gamble, Jon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 points to Jon.
Time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us? Sorry, what was that? I wasn't listening, Jimmy.
What did you say? Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us? Sorry, Jimmy, I wasn't listening.
What did you say? Time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us? Well, it's interesting you should say that, Jimmy, because I've recently been over to Switzerland to try and learn that wonderful language.
So, I went off to do that and I also at the same time won a prize, one of those vocoders, and I thought to myself, "Why not combine those two things?" So, my learning of the Swiss language with a vocoder and I'm going to present that to you tonight.
Here we go.
# I went across to Switzerland where all the yodellers be # To try and learn to yodel with my yodel-oh-eh-di # I climbed a big high mountain on a clear and sunny day # I met a yodelling girl up in a little Swiss chalet # And she taught me to yodel - SYNTHESISED: - # Yodel-oh-eh-di # Yodel-oh-eh-di # Yodel-oh-eh-di # She taught me to yodel # Yodel-oh-eh-di Yodel-oh-eh-di-eh-di-oh.
APPLAUSE - I can go on if you want.
- Yeah, yeah, more, more.
# She strapped me to a bed # In a Swiss laboratory # And then proceeded to give me a tracheotomy # She first removed my larynx # And my vocal cords too # And replaced them with some scientific coils and some tubes # And she taught me to yodel - SYNTHESISED: - # Yodel-oh-eh-di Yodel-oh-eh-di.
DRAWN-OUT HOWLING AND SCREECHING APPLAUSE Vic Reeves, everyone! OK, so Sean and Miles have 31 and Jon and Rose have 38 and here is your final teaser.
The words are COCK BEAM and the clue is - nice to see you again.
That's COCK BEAM.
Nice to see you again.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were, COCK BEAM, the clue was - nice to see you again, it was of course, COMEBACK.
OK, time for our final letters game, Jon and Rose, your time to choose, it's neck and neck, anyone could win this.
Right, OK, erm Rose, how's the, how's the blanket going, by the way? - Oh, good.
- How's the crochet? - Here we go.
- Look at that.
- Erm - It's quite nice, isn't it? - It is genuinely quite pretty.
Oh, that's Who needs true love when you have crochet? Erm So, can I please have two vowels? E And A Erm, consonant.
S Ooh.
Let's have another consonant.
M Ooh.
OK, let's have another consonant.
R - Mm - A vowel, please.
- A vowel.
E - Ooh, what else, what else? - Another consonant, why not? A consonant.
P - And another vowel.
- Vowel.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
O - And a consonant now, surely? - Consonant.
Oh, we're so on the same page.
D - Yeah.
- OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
Right POP I put too much in, it popped.
Erm, don't try that at home, kids.
Also, you know, check your mum's bedside drawer, see what's in there.
Er, Rose, how many? - I've got two sixes.
- Two sixes.
- Er, Jon, how many? - I've got two sevens.
Ooh.
Sean, how many? Seven.
- Miles? - Seven.
OK, let's hear one of your sixes.
Erm, SPARED and MOPEDS.
SPEARED is a seven.
SPARED or SPEARED? SPEARED.
- So it's the, it's the - It was my accent, that was my accent, SPEARED.
Say "speared, spared".
Speared, spared.
Oh, I mean, it is - It's literally - The same, it's literally the same.
SPARED.
We've found a hole in the matrix.
SPEARED SPEARED, SPARED.
Your seven, Jon? SPEARED Sean? SMEARED - And, Miles? - Also SMEARED.
Also SMEARED, OK.
Use it in a sentence.
- Smeared? - Mm.
What was that, that you smeared all over the sofa? That would be an example of usage.
- Mm.
- What was that, that you smeared all over the bathroom? Try to do it in a positive way though, that sounds like a reprimand.
- I love the way you've had that smeared.
- Yes.
Oh, who smeared that? It's lovely.
Susie, er, Vic, could they have done any better? I've got MOPEDARSE, which is the back end of a moped.
I'm not sure that one is going to slip by, is it? It might be two words.
But we've got, erm, SMEARED and REPOSED.
- Yes.
- Ooh Very good.
Seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, so, er, Sean and Miles have 38, Jon and Rose have 45.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Fingers on buzzers, it's all to play for.
Cheers.
- OK, you ready? - And now I've smeared my screen, I can't see the .
.
frigging conundrum.
Ah, it's all beef as well, it doesn't come off with confetti.
Never clean beef grease with confetti.
That's what David Beckham's Sanskrit tattoos say.
OK, it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
It's all to play for, there's a wheel of cheese in this, people.
Fingers on buzzers, your time starts now.
BELL Sean? Oh, wait a sec, I've just It's rude to talk with your mouth full, isn't it? - You finish what you've got.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Is it, erm .
.
a word beginning with the letter .
.
T? I'll give you another 30 seconds.
BUZZER Jon? In Rose's words, is it "frictured"? Let's have a look and see if it's "frictured".
It bloody is.
- They've only gone and bloody done it.
- Yes! So, the final scores are Sean and Miles have 38, Jon and Rose are the winners with 55! So, congratulations, Jon and Rose, you're the proud owners of this, the Countdown Wheel of Cheese! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
It's the late-night numbers quiz for people that like to slip in a few digits before bedtime.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Sean is 55 years old, or as he likes to call it, three shillings and sixpence.
And joining Sean tonight, we've got Miles Jupp.
Hello.
Miles went to an all-boys boarding school.
I assume.
Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson - he's duller than the pain I feel in my left testicle.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Rose Matafeo.
When Rose won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, the New Zealand Prime Minister sent her a congratulatory tweet.
That's the New Zealand Prime Minister for ya - busy, busy, busy.
Rose, it's your first time on the show.
Are you good at the numbers, are you good at the maths? Erm, when I was younger I had a real good sense of maths and English and then the internet was invented, er, and then I kind of got a bit distracted, so I have no skills when it comes to adding or words.
Erm, so No.
- Er - I think you're gonna fit right in.
Are you happy to be on a team with Jon? I am so happy to be on a team with Jon.
I am over the moon.
He is a loving father, a good husband and he regularly donates to charity Was that what you wanted me to say? That was good.
I think it sort of came across a bit like I was YOUR dad.
- I know, it didn't it? - It did, yeah.
I shouldn't have opened with "loving father".
Jon, what would people be surprised to hear about you, Jon? I imagine they'd be surprised to hear I've got a tattoo.
I haven't, but It'd be a hell of a surprise, wouldn't it? Imagine that.
I'm wearing odd socks.
I'm not, again, imagine the gasps.
I'm respected by my peers.
I'm not, but .
.
imagine if I said it.
I don't wanna surprise people.
Come and see Jon Richardson, you want a tedious man in a cardigan to whinge until you leave and feel better about the life you left behind when you came here.
Sean, you're a collector of things.
Do you collect anything? Wh-where have you heard this from? There arethere are rumours that you collect things.
Have you been in my house? No, I used to collect stuff, but I'm actually the opposite now.
I'm what you'd call a I think people call it uncluttering.
Er, the council call it fly-tipping.
- Getting rid of stuff, getting rid of stuff - Right.
.
.
to a point where that becomes an obsession as well.
I got rid of all the tables, the chairs and tables in our house.
We, as a family, eat at five lecterns .
.
cos obviously the sloped surface means there's no soup or stew.
Peas.
Even sprouts are tricky.
Custard, no.
Mostly we just stand at lecterns eating bananas.
But, er, yeah, I used to collect stuff like crazy.
I used to collect, you know those life-saving rings, you know? In public places.
You know, where you see a pond or, you know, a harbour, cos they have the name, they have the name of the place.
Right.
No, it's a keepsake.
If they don't want it to be stolen, they shouldn't make them so easy to take off.
That's what I think.
Yeah, it's a good point.
Miles, you and Sean have been on a winning streak recently.
What makes you such a good team? Well, what does make us a good team? We've got chemistry, I think.
Oh, absolutely sizzling, yeah.
We're likewe're like two snuggled-up fajitas.
But I suppose, yeah, really, it's probably down, we've sort of similar backgrounds, similar interests.
Mm.
Yeah.
And we've got the same hobbies, haven't we? - We both like, er, drinking and fighting.
- Yeah, we do.
It's like seeing a mirror talk to itself.
It's amazing.
And what about mascots? Jon, have you got a mascot? I've noticed over recent time period, erm, a rise in the sort of sale of these sort of things.
I get given a lot of them.
Sort of witty messages written on bits of wood that are supposed to make you feel better about life.
And what really annoys me about them, they sort of hint at quite bleak comedy, that when you analyse them, the basic message is that men go into sheds and masturbate quietly on their own, and women just clock-watch until they can drink enough gin to escape their miserable lives.
So, I thought in these troubled times, why not get in on that market? And my messages are slightly pithier, they're slightly more to the point, and they're all written in an ecological angle on things that I've found washed up on my local beach at Blackpool.
Some of them aren't finished yet, so this is one I'm still working on.
It says This one is - Oh, you're having one of those weeks, are you? - Yeah! Ah.
More and more, would you believe.
Best to keep it private.
That's my advice, mate.
This is a number of things I've gathered from the beach and this is both an ecological message and it's a message about trying to find love in our times and it's entirely made from condoms that have washed up.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER I've written it.
It spells out in the condoms, you can see that, "There are actually fewer fish in the sea thank you think.
" And that's both a message about the fleeting nature of love, which is why I've used the condoms as the medium for this piece, and, of course, because the condoms are choking the wildlife of our seas, so it's both a literal message about the fact that if you're gonna use a condom, and you absolutely should, just And I don't really know what you do with them.
- Swallow 'em.
- Swallow them? Swallow 'em, straight away afterwards.
Like a chewy oyster.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER It's incredible the things you find on the beach and I can't believe the things people throw away.
So, this is my biggest piece, and this is a sort of wider message about the time we live in.
This is called Time and this is something I've found on Blackpool beach last week.
Nobody claimed it.
I watched for about an hour, erm, nobody came, and I think It hasn't moved, so I assume it's for sale, so 50 quid or something for that if anyone's, erm, interested.
What does it say on it? It says, "We are all".
That's the, er, gentleman.
"We are all.
" It's quite beautiful.
Oh, he's alive.
I thought you were, erm Rose, have you got a mascot? Yeah, well, it's my first time on the show.
I feel nervous, so I wanted to relax.
I'm a massive crocheter, so I've bought my crochet in today and I'm hoping to finish a blanket by the end of the show.
Can you crochet, Jimmy? - Can you? - No.
I can do it with my eyes closed now.
Do you want me to show you? Yeah, go on.
One crochet, and the crowd can verify if this is actually crochet.
So, I'm doing a chain here, another chain, and then we're going in here, into this hole, around, and we're doing a double crochet through these and then through here.
Did I do it? Yeah, perfect, there, so APPLAUSE I'm gonna be working on that.
That is somesome nice crocheting you've got there.
It's quite good and I love crochet because it means that I don't have to make direct eye contact with people.
Miles, have you got a mascot? Er, I do actually, yeah.
It is related to this, er, this bell here.
Something I've become involved in recently, it's essentially a sort of charity, it's about giving less advantaged people opportunities and what I do is I ring this bell and then this happens.
See, what this is, this is Ian here and Ian's got a trolley, you see, cos what am I training you up to be, Ian? A beef waiter.
- Oh.
- To serve Mr Jupp his beef.
If you could That's right just across there.
Perfect.
It's a good system, isn't it, Ian? It's good.
- Yeah, I'm learning a valuable skill.
- He's learning a very valuable skill.
And it benefits both of us, I would say, because Ian is not long out of prison.
He was in prison, it was something to do with a donkey.
- Don't.
- He stole it or he mistreated it or he rode it where he shouldn't have done, and, erm LAUGHTER Plate, always the plate, remember? Thanks.
I'm gonna need a knife and fork.
That's right.
Thank you.
Is that enough? That is Two more pieces.
I'll bring, I'll bring Just gently.
Right, that is quite a big Did you cut? Christ, Ian.
I'll give you a little one.
- Just a little one, there we go.
- For garnish.
Thank you very much indeed, Ian.
- That's a good start to the evening, I think.
- Thank you.
Excellent.
Well, Jimmy, you may continue.
- Are you gonna eat all of that? - Yeah.
Well, I - Is it nice beef? - I'm gonna give It's excellent beef, yeah.
When do you next plan on having a shit? Not while he's eating his beef.
You know this might be the only thing you see me eat today and immediately you're thinking, the first mouthful, "Oh, how long does it take you to have a shit?" I mean, what Have you got quite an efficient system? Oh, sometimes I've shat before I've even eaten it.
Sometimes I have one in the morning and I think, "Well, I haven't eaten anything, so that must the Weetabix "I'm about to have.
" OK, Sean have you got a mascot? Well, you know these days, there's a lot of vouchers and I think that it's a huge market and I'm gonna move into it, so I've come up with a system of vouchers for different things.
For example, this one is a voucher from Dignitas, and, er .
.
you buy one, you get one free .
.
and if you take part in their loyalty scheme, you can get the whole family done at a very reasonable price.
- What a lovely thought.
- Yeah.
What pet owner wouldn't be delighted to open an envelope and find that they had a voucher for a free worming for a small dog or a large cat? I've got quite a few of these vouchers, Jimmy.
Here's one.
This is meet Kid Creole & The Coconuts.
Now, to be honest with you, I've got quite a lot of these.
It was Kid Creole's idea, he got in touch with me.
I think he's just lonely and he wants to meet people.
Where are they redeemable? Those ones.
Oh, you just have to, erm LAUGHTER Most shops, most high-street shops? Well, no, there's loads of information - that comes with the voucher.
- Oh, OK.
Cos I had to contact Kid Creole, I mean - It doesn't seem to say anything on the back.
- Eh? This may come as a bit of a shock to you, but I'm doing jokes.
Fucking hell.
OK, this one allows you to pull the emergency cord on a train.
Everybody wants to do that once in their life.
Obviously no-one should try doing that, unless you have a voucher.
Yeah.
I would like to get that, say, "Oh, I can just go and" And then just go, "Ha-ha!" as all the red-faced people come towards you during the rush hour.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" And they go, "Urgh!" This one, this is a good one.
This allows you to shoplift up to the value of £100.
You get caught, you just go, "Ha-ha!" And, er, of course, you don't need to use it till you get caught.
Park in the middle of Stonehenge.
Be a dentist for a day.
I mean, I can do the whole show if you want.
And this one, up to ten minutes before it starts, you can cancel a school nativity play.
They're all about to go, they've got their wings on, and you just hold that up to the And the whole thing's off.
You can masturbate in front of a junior member of staff.
Give that to Jimmy Oh! Ah, it expired in 1975.
Sean's vouchers, everyone.
A lot of fun.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Vic Reeves.
Vic, I've got a question for you.
What's the first thing you do in the mornings? Wake up.
Open the window, climb in.
Put me clothes on, have a shower.
I'm not stupid, I have an umbrella.
OK, and with Vic is, of course, Susie Dent.
Susie recently went on an eight-date theatre tour.
I bought a ticket and it was the best seat in the house.
My house.
I did not go.
Have there been any mishaps on regular Countdown recently, Susie? Yes, we have mishaps all the time, particularly during my Origins Of Words bit, the bit you love.
- That bit? - Yeah.
I've never seen it, I always fast-forward, but I was talking about the earliest dictionaries, which were dictionaries of criminal slang, so underground slang, and I was talking about this magistrate in the 16th century who just loved collecting all these kind of grim and grimy words, and apparently he would stand at his door and ask these passing people to give them his words and he shouted, "Either I'll throw you in prison or you give me your cant.
" LAUGHTER And "cant" is the word for criminal slang, and it came out wrong - very wrong.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel recently released her own fragrance and became a vegan, but not in that order.
Have any unusual words come up on regular Countdown recently? One contestant offered SHAGGER, the next one offered SHAGGED, and the only thing that Susie could add to the collection was DOGGERS.
OK, well, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown Wheel of Cheese.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
- OK, consonant.
- Cheers, Miles.
H Sorry, er, another consonant.
R A vowel, please.
A A consonant.
Another vowel, please.
I - Yeah, vowel.
- Oh, er, another vowel.
O Another consonant.
F Another vowel.
A - Consonant.
- Yeah, we'll have a consonant.
- The last one S OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's not what we rehearsed.
Er, how many? Five for me.
Sean, how many? - Six, Jimmy.
- Rose? - Six.
- Jon? Er, five.
That's disappointing.
I think it's the beef - I got ROAST.
I got ROAST and then I couldn't get any further.
- Oh, you'd better go and - Do you want me to, OK? There we go.
Right, OK.
So, ROAST.
What was your five, Miles? TRASH - TRASH? - What did you look at me for when you said that? I didn't.
Sean? RATIOS AUDIENCE: Oooh! I know, good for Sean, innit? And, Rose? FIRTHS? FIRTHS? - F-FIRTHS? - FIRTHS.
Could you use that in a sentence? Well, those firths arehot.
- It's a word right? - Yeah.
- Susie, is that? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- Estuaries.
- Yeah, as Rose said, estuaries.
Well, six points to both teams.
Vic, could they have done any better? Yes, they could, and they're both to do with fish - OARFISH and RATFISH.
The OARFISH, which has got an oar on its back.
It actually has got a wooden oar on its back.
And the ratfish, which is, in fact, a rat and a fish, combined.
They could have had seven points.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
- Jon, Rose, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Okey doke.
- What do you think? - A biggie.
- Yeah.
- And a smally.
Yeah.
- Another biggie.
- Yeah.
What else do we get? - I'd stick with smallies for here on in.
- Smally.
- Smally.
Well, that is very much your moto, isn't it, Jon? Right, they are 6, 7, 7, 10, 50 and 25.
And the target, 931.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
OK, so the target was 931.
Jon, did you get it? I think I got 932.
Ah, well, you did not, then.
Very disappointing.
Rose, did you get it? - Nowhere near.
- Sean did you get it? - 935.
- Very disappointing.
Miles? Er, I got a third of the way there.
A third of the way? I got 9.
How did you do that? Well, I I don't think you did.
Jon, how did you get 932? Well, I'm not sure I did, but let's see.
6 x 7 6 x 7 = 42 - 50 10 50 10 = 5 5 x 25 = 925 + 7 And the other 7.
Yeah, one away.
Well done.
Very good.
Seven points to Jon.
Can it be done? Erm, yeah.
It wasn't easy, but I found three ways.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Go on, how was it? - You could have said 25 - 6 = 19 7 x 7 = 49 19 x 49 Oh, it's easier than I thought.
Did you do that on the 19 times table or the 49 times table? 7 x 133, so 7 x 7 x 19.
That's just saying other numbers.
So, Sean and Miles have 6, Jon and Rose have 13.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are LICK BONG, and the clue is - stop that right now.
That's LICK BONG - stop that right now.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were Lick Bong, the clue was "Stop that right now.
" It was, of course, Blocking.
So, Jon and Rose are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Rose.
So, Rose, your turn to choose.
All right.
May I please have a consonant? - Thank you, Rose.
- P.
I'm going to go with two vowels.
I and E.
- Nice.
- Ooh.
And I'll stop there.
Um, OK, two more consonants.
V and .
.
S.
What shall I do? Another consonant? Yeah.
- G.
- Vowel.
U.
Consonant.
- C.
- Oh.
What shall I do? Another vow? Vowel? No, ah.
No.
No.
- Don't you dare? Consonant.
- T.
- Yeah.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I've made cocktails.
Lovely.
Also, if anyone wants some.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, sorry, Jon, I made one for you as well.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Sean, I made you one with bacon in it.
Nice? That's just mouthwash and vodka.
LAUGHTER That's real, innit? Yeah.
You weren't messing about.
I take it very seriously.
- It's nice.
- Um, Rose, how many? Oh, five.
- Five? - I know, really bad.
- Ahh.
- Terrible.
- OK.
It's disappointing when you think something's going to be big and then it's small, isn't it, Jimmy? - Do you want another drink? - Yes, please.
OK.
Well, let's see how long we can make this game last.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
How many, Sean? Five.
OK, Sean, what's your five? Guest.
Guest, OK and Rose? Um, I'm going to go with spite.
- Go with spite.
- Spite.
Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Very good Rose, very good.
Vic, could they have done any better? Seven, I've got seven.
Yeah.
- Susie, you've got 6.
- Yeah.
I got "piegust" which is, you know, after you've had a good pie.
LAUGHTER - I'm not sure if that's a word.
- Oh, it definitely is.
It's more of a feeling.
Right, Susie's got septic or cuties.
OK, so Sean and Miles have 11, Jon and Rose have 18.
APPLAUSE Right, its now time for Miles and Jon to go head-to-head.
Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK, um, right I'll just - RINGS BELL .
.
if you don't mind me doing that first.
I will I'll have one big one, please.
- OK, do you want to just carry on? - Yeah, yeah.
- Say, maybe, four small ones.
- Yeah.
Have they been looking after you in the room? - They've ignored me entirely.
- Excellent.
OK, one big one, four small ones and one big one.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- That's absolutely fine, we'll just.
- On it.
Its condiment time, Ian.
Right, we've got English mustard, horseradish, ketchup.
- Ketchup with beef? - No, no, sorry, never.
Never ketchup.
French mustard, Reggae Reggae.
- I'll have Reggae Reggae.
- Reggae Reggae? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Will you please consider having a salad? - No, I'm - You really must have some roughage.
I'm absolutely fine, Ian.
People are quite worried.
What, like, the doctor? Who's worried? No, your plumber.
He called me in tears the other day.
- Thank you, Ian.
- I'll be in the room.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE You can eat some beef, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry, sorry, it was just cos I need a bit of, like, brain food.
OK, well, you've had, you've had a nine, there.
Yeah, huh-huh.
- Now you have a ten.
- Ooh, Reggae Reggae.
And a two.
A six and a 75 and a 25.
And the target is 652.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 652.
Miles, did you get it? I Yes, I did.
Yeah.
Oh.
LAUGHTER Jon, did you get it? No, I got 651.
OK, well, Miles, how did you do it? Well, you get 9 times 75.
And then you minus the 25.
- Ah, lovely.
- 650.
And you add the 2.
- The beef has worked.
- Yes.
Wow.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us? Well, I'd like, thank you, Jimmy, I'd like to present a short excerpt from one of the lectures I do at the Royal Historical Society, giving information about our realm and its history, and I've done some drawings here.
I'd like to present it in the realm of song, um, and its about our monarch, Henry VIII.
So, music, please.
# I'd like to tell you a story tonight # Henry VIII was capable of flight # One night after sex he drew some wings # And flew around his boudoir pissing on things # There he goes, flying low # Flying slow and smoking a pipe # Run for your life # Oooh # Henry VIII was capable of flight Henry VIII was ca-pa-ble of flight.
APPLAUSE Vic Reeves, everyone.
OK, so the scores at the moment, Jon and Rose are on 18, Sean and Miles have 21.
- APPLAUSE - Nice work.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ace holes.
The clue is "Put a bow in it.
" That's ace holes, "Put a bow in it.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ACE HOLES.
The clue was - put a bow in it.
It was, of course, SHOELACE.
OK, another letters game coming up, and to ramp up the tension, this time, it's the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC LAUGHTER In this game, we're playing for double points.
It's the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Miles, are you feeling the pressure? Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER I'll tell you what, his bloody colon's feeling the pressure.
LAUGHTER Er, Sean, Miles, you get to pick the letters on the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC If you could look slightly more tense, Miles, and not be giggling.
Yeah, sorry.
- OK, now pick some letters.
- OK.
Er, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant.
M, J, R, B.
Er, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel.
I, E, A, I.
- I, E, A - What have you done? LAUGHTER Would you want a consonant or a vowel next, Sean? Well, I think you'd better go with a consonant.
Well, er, vowel, please.
LAUGHTER A consonant.
- A consonant? D.
- OK, for double points in the Tension Round DRAMATIC MUSIC Your time starts now.
UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC THUNDERCLAP Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Zero! THUNDERCLAP APPLAUSE Oh, God.
What the? What was? APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT WORDS That was horrible.
That shifted some beef.
LAUGHTER - It was tense, wasn't it? - It's not so much tense until right at the end when a fucking bomb goes off.
LAUGHTER Er, Jon, how many letters? Five.
- Rose, how many? - Five.
- Sean? - Five.
Miles, how many? Er, I got five.
I got four different fives actually.
I also got confetti in my Reggae Reggae Sauce.
LAUGHTER Common enough complaint.
What are you drinking there, out of interest? Whatever you gave me.
LAUGHTER It looks like canal water.
I assume it's safe, I mean, I'm guessing the beef's safe to eat as well.
LAUGHTER Miles, what were your fives? Er BRAID, BREAD, BREAM, BEARD.
- Yeah.
- OK, erm, Sean? Yeah, that, what he had.
- What he had? OK, Rose? - Yeah, same.
OK, erm, Jon? BREAD, BREAD, BREAD.
OK, er, Vic, Susie, could they have done any better? Erm, BARDIE, which is an Australian colloquialism.
- What? Well, I'm not - Do you know what a BARDIE is? No, what is a BARDIE? It's edible insect lava.
- Oh! - Hmm.
OK, well, it's You've got fives, but it's double points cos it was the Tension Round, so DRAMATIC MUSIC Ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Right, on to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Rose, you pick the numbers.
Um, OK.
Let's be honest, no matter what I pick, I will do nothing with them.
So, it's up to you.
I mean, how much do you want that cheese? That's what you've got to ask yourself.
I noticed there was a bottle of red wine next to it - and that has ramped up the tension somewhat.
- Yeah.
But I'll be honest, I'm still trembling from that going off.
So, this will be a good test of how good at numbers a dog on Bonfire Night would be.
LAUGHTER So, what I really want to do now is - Yeah, get in the airing cupboard.
- Let's do that test! LAUGHTER Six small is the exciting thing to do.
Six small.
Wow, he's going for it.
- Six small? - More tense than the Tension Round.
- They've ruined this bit.
- Fuck off, Jon.
LAUGHTER We've got 10, 9 - Six small? - 6 8, 6 and 1.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 808.
Sean, did you get it? No, I got 806.
OK, Miles, did you get it? Er, no.
750 something.
Jon, did you get it? I think so.
I've either got it or I've got 80-something and I'm about to make an absolute tit of myself.
Oh, that'll be fun either way.
Rose, did you get it? - I got 806.
- 806? - Yeah.
- OK.
So, Jon, how did you do it? 10 x 9 = 90 10 x 9 = 90 He's only bloody right.
6 + 6 - 1 = 11 Yeah.
- Add them together.
- 101.
- x 8.
- Good gamble, Jon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 points to Jon.
Time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us? Sorry, what was that? I wasn't listening, Jimmy.
What did you say? Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us? Sorry, Jimmy, I wasn't listening.
What did you say? Time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us? Well, it's interesting you should say that, Jimmy, because I've recently been over to Switzerland to try and learn that wonderful language.
So, I went off to do that and I also at the same time won a prize, one of those vocoders, and I thought to myself, "Why not combine those two things?" So, my learning of the Swiss language with a vocoder and I'm going to present that to you tonight.
Here we go.
# I went across to Switzerland where all the yodellers be # To try and learn to yodel with my yodel-oh-eh-di # I climbed a big high mountain on a clear and sunny day # I met a yodelling girl up in a little Swiss chalet # And she taught me to yodel - SYNTHESISED: - # Yodel-oh-eh-di # Yodel-oh-eh-di # Yodel-oh-eh-di # She taught me to yodel # Yodel-oh-eh-di Yodel-oh-eh-di-eh-di-oh.
APPLAUSE - I can go on if you want.
- Yeah, yeah, more, more.
# She strapped me to a bed # In a Swiss laboratory # And then proceeded to give me a tracheotomy # She first removed my larynx # And my vocal cords too # And replaced them with some scientific coils and some tubes # And she taught me to yodel - SYNTHESISED: - # Yodel-oh-eh-di Yodel-oh-eh-di.
DRAWN-OUT HOWLING AND SCREECHING APPLAUSE Vic Reeves, everyone! OK, so Sean and Miles have 31 and Jon and Rose have 38 and here is your final teaser.
The words are COCK BEAM and the clue is - nice to see you again.
That's COCK BEAM.
Nice to see you again.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were, COCK BEAM, the clue was - nice to see you again, it was of course, COMEBACK.
OK, time for our final letters game, Jon and Rose, your time to choose, it's neck and neck, anyone could win this.
Right, OK, erm Rose, how's the, how's the blanket going, by the way? - Oh, good.
- How's the crochet? - Here we go.
- Look at that.
- Erm - It's quite nice, isn't it? - It is genuinely quite pretty.
Oh, that's Who needs true love when you have crochet? Erm So, can I please have two vowels? E And A Erm, consonant.
S Ooh.
Let's have another consonant.
M Ooh.
OK, let's have another consonant.
R - Mm - A vowel, please.
- A vowel.
E - Ooh, what else, what else? - Another consonant, why not? A consonant.
P - And another vowel.
- Vowel.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
O - And a consonant now, surely? - Consonant.
Oh, we're so on the same page.
D - Yeah.
- OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
Right POP I put too much in, it popped.
Erm, don't try that at home, kids.
Also, you know, check your mum's bedside drawer, see what's in there.
Er, Rose, how many? - I've got two sixes.
- Two sixes.
- Er, Jon, how many? - I've got two sevens.
Ooh.
Sean, how many? Seven.
- Miles? - Seven.
OK, let's hear one of your sixes.
Erm, SPARED and MOPEDS.
SPEARED is a seven.
SPARED or SPEARED? SPEARED.
- So it's the, it's the - It was my accent, that was my accent, SPEARED.
Say "speared, spared".
Speared, spared.
Oh, I mean, it is - It's literally - The same, it's literally the same.
SPARED.
We've found a hole in the matrix.
SPEARED SPEARED, SPARED.
Your seven, Jon? SPEARED Sean? SMEARED - And, Miles? - Also SMEARED.
Also SMEARED, OK.
Use it in a sentence.
- Smeared? - Mm.
What was that, that you smeared all over the sofa? That would be an example of usage.
- Mm.
- What was that, that you smeared all over the bathroom? Try to do it in a positive way though, that sounds like a reprimand.
- I love the way you've had that smeared.
- Yes.
Oh, who smeared that? It's lovely.
Susie, er, Vic, could they have done any better? I've got MOPEDARSE, which is the back end of a moped.
I'm not sure that one is going to slip by, is it? It might be two words.
But we've got, erm, SMEARED and REPOSED.
- Yes.
- Ooh Very good.
Seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, so, er, Sean and Miles have 38, Jon and Rose have 45.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Fingers on buzzers, it's all to play for.
Cheers.
- OK, you ready? - And now I've smeared my screen, I can't see the .
.
frigging conundrum.
Ah, it's all beef as well, it doesn't come off with confetti.
Never clean beef grease with confetti.
That's what David Beckham's Sanskrit tattoos say.
OK, it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
It's all to play for, there's a wheel of cheese in this, people.
Fingers on buzzers, your time starts now.
BELL Sean? Oh, wait a sec, I've just It's rude to talk with your mouth full, isn't it? - You finish what you've got.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Is it, erm .
.
a word beginning with the letter .
.
T? I'll give you another 30 seconds.
BUZZER Jon? In Rose's words, is it "frictured"? Let's have a look and see if it's "frictured".
It bloody is.
- They've only gone and bloody done it.
- Yes! So, the final scores are Sean and Miles have 38, Jon and Rose are the winners with 55! So, congratulations, Jon and Rose, you're the proud owners of this, the Countdown Wheel of Cheese! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE