Celebrity Island with Bear Grylls (2016) s18e01 Episode Script
Charli XCX, Chris and Kem, Johnny Vegas
1 I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck is going on'? Don't worry, it's just another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo, firing dough balls! Here we are, taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew! Made it to the studio just in time for the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly-show telly? Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
Hi, there.
Yeah! (CHEERING) Hurrah! Hello! Welcome to Celebrity Juice, series 18! (CHEERING) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! Hi! Series 18, we're 18.
That means almost everything is legal now.
So could I put my penis in your arsehole? I mean, you could, but Yes! She said, 'You could'! # KOOL & THE GANG: Celebration No, no, no.
What about thumbs up? No! No.
No.
No, no, no.
Who's on your team? On my right, they were the bromance of the year.
I can't tall you how excited I am that they are here.
It's Chris and Kem! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) On my left is a genuinely brilliant actor, it's Russell Tovey! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) An amazing team.
Let's meet our other team captain.
It's none other than Fearne Cotton! Hello.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's here to cause some havoc, it's Johnny Vegas.
On my right, she is the coolest girl in pop.
it's Charli XCX.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Cool teams.
Lovely teams to go with our lovely new set.
Do you like the set? HOLLY: I do.
Romanesque.
FEARNE: It is.
You can see, there some statues in the background.
Some of them represent us.
FEARNE: Is that right? Is that you, with the very small cock? Yeah, they got the sizes wrong.
He might as well have a faj.
(LAUGHTER) I've got a really fat (BLEEP) there, haven't I? Oh, my God! Oh, it's good to be back.
It feels so good to be back.
I'm just joking.
Have you had nice summers? Yeah.
What have you done, Fearne? Oh, bits and bobs and that.
(ROUGH VOICE) I had to do a bit of bits and bobs! Holly, what have you been doing? I went away, I went to Portugal, saw the Schofields.
Isn't she fucking boring? Really good-looking but boring.
What would be more exciting? To speak to Russell Tovey! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Welcome to Celebrity Juice, your first time.
First time, thank you.
Are you excited? Buzzing, very excited.
You're, like, a proper actor, aren't you? Closest, in the past, to a proper actor we've had is Will Mellor, who, as you know, brought acting to the UK.
He did.
He invented it.
I love Will.
Do you like Will? Yeah.
Love him.
So we like you from many things, Doctor Who, Sherlock.
Yeah.
Gavin & Stacey.
Correct.
Being Human, my favourite.
Yeah? Nice.
When you were in Being Human, you were a werewolf.
Correct.
Did you have to howl on camera? I had to Yeah, I went through transformations.
Can you give us a howl? Oh, really? Ahhh! Is that it? No, that wasn't it.
Agh! (SIGHS AND HOWLS) Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You first became properly famous in The History Boys Yeah.
.
.
with James Corden.
What happened to him? Dunno, he's sort of disappeared off the map.
How old are you there? I'm 22.
And you had big lugs then, didn't you? Yeah, they've stayed with me.
I like your ears! Me too! I was talking about it earlier.
It's one of your features.
It's my trademark.
You ain't going to be in the live action of Dumbo? No, I'm not.
With Tim Burton.
That would have been great, but no.
You've got wonderful ears and you've also won a BAFTA.
I haven't myself, sadly, no, but shows I've been in have.
For what programme? Him & Her.
What happened in Him & Her? Him & Her was about a couple, Steve and Becky, who lived in a bedsit.
Did you get to have a sexual experience in the programme? Loads.
How do you control it? I'm lucky, I've never got a boner when I've been doing it.
Do you not think about it whilst it's happening? I just get in the zone, professional.
They give you a sack you put your bits in like a bag of gold, like the Sheriff of Nottingham.
What, with some nettles in? Yes! In case you get happy.
'Tss-tss'! 'Ah, you' Poison ivy.
(LAUGHTER) Cos these two guys had boners all summer on television.
We saw a lot of that.
I let mine hang out.
I don't know if anyone's seen it.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! You've seen it? We've actually got a picture of your penis.
Is that right? We have to blur it.
Yeah! There it is.
Oh.
HOLLY: It's one big blur.
Because it's Celebrity Juice, fuck you, here it is.
Do you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) It should be inside a baked potato.
It's Chris and Kem! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I didn't watch Love Island, cos I wasn't here, but apparently, you're the first gay couple to come out of Love Island.
Yeah.
Nah.
It's a bromance.
You're not gay? We've got girlfriends.
You were like, 'He looks a bit like Stacey Solomon'.
(LAUGHTER) For anyone who hasn't seen Love Island, what happens? Like What's the message? Of the show? Yeah.
What's the message? I think the message is Yeah? You go on, and the goal is, I guess, to find love.
Or I think that's the logistics.
What's the message? I don't know.
Find love.
(LAUGHTER) That's the essence, what's the message? The message is, like, get a bird.
No, that's the conclusion! What's the message? Stick it on her! Just stick it on someone.
That's the aim, innit? What's the message? Just to get a little bit.
Yeah, just get a bit.
Just to get a bit.
No, that's the evaluation.
If there's a message for people watching, what is it? (LAUGHTER) Know what I mean? No, I don't.
What's the message? What IS the message? No man is an island.
Ah! Deep.
Is THAT the message? (CACKLES) Well, that's what I tell myself when I'm wanking.
HOLLY: Can I ask a question? Yeah.
Feel free.
Do you get on with the girls? Oh, my God, the girls are fantastic.
So supportive.
You're coupled up, living with your partners? I'm living with Olivia and you're I haven't moved in.
Are you in love with the girls that you copped off with? Yeah, swear.
For real? You say, 'I love you' and she says, 'I love you too'? She says, 'I love you more', even better.
You've done it up the arse, cos that's love, innit? Yeah.
The first sign of love, innit? We did that in the villa.
(LAUGHS) Ssh! What'd he say? Nothing! Nothing.
Nah, nah.
He's only joking.
Clearly, it happened.
No, it didn't! What's happening now for you both you've come out of Love Island? We're filming our new show.
What's the new show? We're exploiting a bit of grime, bit of rap, bit of hip-hop, bit of culture.
Exploiting a bit of grime? Not 'exploiting', 'exploring', Chris.
Exploring! I was getting my words mixed up.
We are exploring at the same time, cos we're going into it.
I need theosaurus, I ain't got one.
I get my words muddled up.
Are you bringing a single out? Are you? Are you doing a song with Stormzy? Nah.
Oh, my God, you are! Are you? We haven't said anything.
We You are, you are! Sweetheart, when words come out 'Sweetheart! Leave it out, sweetheart'.
I think they are, I think I'm right.
You are doing a song with Stormzy? Exclusive! No, no, no! Chris and Kem are doing a song with Stormzy.
I'm just texting t'Daily Mail.
Hey, it's Charli Sexy Eggs! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Charli, I'm a big fan of your music, erm, but I always have trouble saying your name.
I always want to say, 'SEX'.
It's 'XCX'.
'SEX' is better.
Sexy Eggs is nice.
Love that.
Charli Sexy Eggs.
She's got lovely, sexy eggs! HOLLY: I like it.
I like that.
Where does your name come from? It's my MSN screen name.
MSN? Not very cool.
Younger people watching, tell them what MSN is.
If you were really awkward as a kid, you would speak to your other awkward friends, then you would see them in the street and not say anything.
You've got a new single out.
We've mocked one up.
Oh, that's nice.
When they mock these things up, I always think, it's not the actual CD inside cos they don't exist any more, they're all download.
I'll give you a point if you can guess what actual CD is in.
FEARNE: BWitched.
Mick Hucknall.
Blue, Blue.
Cleopatra.
ABBA Gold.
No, it was John Barrowman.
(LAUGHTER) Nice.
I didn't even know he had a CD.
Well, you obviously don't shop in Asda.
The song is called Boys.
There it is - Boys.
I asked them so I've got to ask you - what's the message? Just, erm, you know, boys.
They're fit, aren't they? Just go for it.
That's the facts.
OK.
Erm Fuck.
(LAUGHTER) The video, you directed it.
I did, yeah.
The first time you've directed one of your own videos? Yes.
What was that like, do you go, 'That was really good then'? I was fucking great, it was good, yeah.
You've got famous people in it.
Yeah.
Who's in it? Stormzy, your mate.
Yeah, my brother.
Joe Jonas, Mark Ronson.
It's been a massive hit online.
Maybe, yeah.
Say yes.
It's done good.
Sell yourself, sell it! I'm selling it! It's done really well! I'll ask again.
It's been a massive hit online? Fucking huge.
Let's have a look at it.
# Busy thinking about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy dreaming about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy thinking about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy dreaming about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy thinking about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy dreaming about boys # Boys, boys Head is spinning thinking about boys (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Yeah, I love it.
It was That was edgy.
Kids love edgy shit, man.
That was not edgy, that was fucked-up, man.
Hey, everyone, it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING) Last time you were on, you had a fight with a photocopier, you broke it.
That was really bad.
Let's have a look.
FEARNE: No, not the fax machine! Oh, no! (LAUGHTER) Shit! I didn't touch her.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Because you broke that photocopier, we've got the invoice.
We're taking your fee for tonight off of you to pay for the photocopier, but you owe us £250.
There's the invoice.
You still owe us £250.
That's all right, because you lot, in stone form, are going to look fucking great in my garden.
Fearne, we've just seen the return of Bake Off.
You're a big fan, you like baking cakes.
I like the show a lot.
Did you like Love Island? I did, I did watch.
You'll love this round, because we've combined Bake Off No way! .
.
and Love Island, and it's called (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi.
Welcome to the garden of the brand-new show where baking meets lovemaking.
As you can see, Chris and Kem have chocolate eclairs attached to them, covered in chocolate.
All you've got to do to win a point is eradicate the chocolate from the eclair using only your tongue.
Fun, innit? If you get all the icing off both of them, you win a point.
Does it have to fully go in the mouth or can you just lick it? Whatever you want, to get rid of it, using your mouth.
Before we start, can we explain to anyone of a certain age who might be watching, I always felt weird at school, like I didn't belong, and it turns out it's because my penis wasn't made of patisserie.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Have you decided who's going below? I'll go below.
I should go on the bottom.
Why do you want to go on the bottom? I'm a better base.
'I'm a better base'! Coming from here, like that? (LAUGHTER) He's got to get yours and you've got to get his.
I'd rather Mate, no, wait! That's it.
No, no, no! No, cos I can't bend it.
Why have you got to bend it? On the klaxon.
Oh, fucking hell.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No hands, no hands, no hands! No hands.
Don't break it, don't break it.
That's off, innit? He's looking very loving with that.
I'm just trying to get the chocolate off.
We can see.
You're getting SOMETHING off.
KEM: He's an expert, know what I mean? (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon! Oh, ho, ho! (CHEERING) That's quite clean, you've done a good job.
Do you know, I was really grafting.
Yeah, yeah.
Did you bite it? I was sucking it for so long, then I got a bit carried away.
Suck his arsehole? (LAUGHTER) I was trying to get in the gap! Let's have an action replay.
For you girls at home and guys that like guys, get some tissues and enjoy.
# BOYZ II MEN: I'll Make Love To You (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) So the adjudicator The adjudicator is telling me that you've done such a good job, you've won 2 points for your team! Chris and Kem, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break now.
See you in a bit, go for a shit! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Coming up after t'break If you're a 16-year-old boy watching this, get the tissues - Holly Willoughby is shoving a shower curtain up her crack.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Having a good time? ALL: Yeah! I'm not turning into a Butlin's Redcoat - 'I can't hear you'! Having a good time? Yeah! You having a good time? CHARLI AND FEARNE: Yeah! You having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Russell, you've got a new love in your life.
Oh, yeah? Your dog Rocky.
Yeah.
We've got pictures of you and your dog.
You really love him.
I'm obsessed with him.
He's cute.
Is it true you like to take him everywhere? Everywhere.
We've got another picture.
You're really enjoying him there.
I knew this was going to go somewhere like that.
We've got another picture.
Oh, yeah, more? He loves that, dun't he? We've got a picture of him afterwards, smoking a fag.
There he is.
(LAUGHTER) That's my boy.
Time to play an oldie but goldie.
It's not that old but it's very gold.
It's Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It's a word-association game.
I give you a subject and you give me a word related to that subject.
You mustn't repeat, you mustn't stutter, you mustn't feed a mogwai after midnight or show me your teeth.
The subject is: HOLLY: Mm! Chris? Bang in a disabled toilet.
(LAUGHTER) .
.
in a disabled toilet.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Bang in the sea.
Bang in the sea! In the sea! Bink bose.
No, no, no.
Bink rose.
Yeah.
Swim in the sea.
(LAUGHTER) Swim in the sea, mm! Get really, really, really drunk.
Really drunk.
You could blow up a lilo.
(LAUGHTER) You could blow up a lilo! (LAUGHTER) Right.
Johnny? Catch some crabs.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Drink cocktails.
Er (BUZZ!) It just went out my ears! (LAUGHTER) Er, pa-chunking.
Eat paella.
HOLLY: All day long.
Go to the club.
Or you could build a sandcastle.
Or bunkum bung buck.
(LAUGHTER) Cun cream can give you encooking (BUZZ!) (BUZZ!) But I wear bactor bifty.
(BUZZ!) Eh? What? (BUZZ!) AUDIENCE: Aw! (BUZZ!) Chris? Buck, no.
(BUZZ!) Go and see the sights.
Scuba diving.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Er, erm Baba (BUZZ!) Ba Buy a postcard.
Go on a boat.
Wear flip-flops.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZ!) Which means that Holly's team wins! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Mules! And the scores in that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Charli, you've worked with a lot of names.
You've worked with will.
i.
am.
He's got a good style, I think.
Do you? Yeah, he's stylish.
I like your style more.
Thanks.
Look at this - what is going on here? Let's have a look at your outfits from the past.
Oh, no, don't do it! FEARNE: It's fab! You've got snowballs on your tits, yeah? I need some of those.
Snowballs on your tits or tits? Yeah, both.
Let's have a look at the next one.
Oh, no, my mum's going to cry! Is that hers, did you borrow it from her wardrobe? Sorry, Mum.
I gave it back, it's fine.
Any more? That one, where you're having a fart on stage.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) (LAUGHTER) (BLOWS ENORMOUS RASPBERRIES) Are you on tour at the moment? Great segue, by the way.
You did that so beautifully.
I'll do it again, so fuck you, Fearne Cotton.
Do you prefer live or working in the studio? Oh, dear! I prefer going on tour.
Are you on tour at the moment? No.
Great! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, have you ever been in the shower, washing your pits? Right.
Then you wash your balls.
Yeah, all the time.
Sometimes the shower curtain gets stuck between your bum cheeks.
This is a massive problem for me.
That happened to me the other night.
It got really trapped up my bum cheeks.
I pulled it down with the power of the bum cheek and thought, 'What a great game', so let's play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi! Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Here I am with Johnny Vegas.
Aye.
How are you feeling? All right.
Yeah, yeah, good.
Confident.
Tell me about your shower exploits.
Ordinarily, what I like to do is wash downwards up.
(LAUGHTER) I like to get the smell off my testicles but I want to work a bit of it behind my ears.
Do you want to have a word with your friends down camera 5? If you look at me, God didn't give me much, but he gave me tight buns.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Shut the curtain.
You don't start the clock until the curtain is ready, do you? Get the curtain up your buns.
Yeah, I know.
Fucking I'm getting as much of this motherfucker up there as I can.
Do you want to chalk up? (LAUGHTER) Ohhh! (APPLAUSE) Are you ready, is it in? You will go on the Olympic klaxon.
(BLEEPING) (SHOUTING AND CHEERING) You let it down! He's shoving it back up.
Get it in! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, yeah.
You've got to yank it, you've got to yank it! AUDIENCE: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! (CHEERING) Cheat! Did you cheat? FEARNE: Did he cheat, did he cheat? He just admitted himself that he was cheating.
We'll look at the replay to confirm.
Would this arse cheat? (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Did he cheat, did he cheat? I didn't cling! I don't cling.
Cheat.
He cheated! He cheated! Cheater! Cheater! (BOOING) AUDIENCE: Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! (RAGES) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Here I am now with Russell Tovey.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) As you can see, he's got the required uniform on.
Would you like to chalk up? Big time.
HOLLY: Which bit are you chalking up? I get chafing in my bum cheeks.
Would you like to look down camera 5 and say anything to your fans? Thanks for supporting me, guys, this means a lot.
You've been with me on this journey.
It's a really big thing for me to get to this place, so I appreciate that.
Thanks.
Right.
If you'd like to back up to the shower curtain.
If we could have some silence though.
Concentration, yeah.
Is it in? Clench, clench.
Tell me when you have clenched.
I'm trying to get Is it in? It's in.
You will go on the Olympic klaxon.
You ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(BLEEPING) HOLLY: Oh, wow! Oh, oh! (SHOUTS) A couple more! Oh, shit! This is really fucking hard.
(LAUGHTER) You can do it.
Come on, Russell.
Yank it, yank it hard.
(SCREAMS) Oh! Careful, careful, careful! Nearly there.
We've got three more to go.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on! It just takes one quick yank.
(LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) (RAGES) (CHEERING) YES! That was amazing! Well done.
We've even got a time.
I can tell you that the time is Six hours.
You did it in 38 seconds.
Russell Tovey, everyone! Good job, well done.
Thank you.
Well done.
Cheers.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Here we go with Holly Willoughby.
Holly, how are you feeling? A little bit nervous.
Yeah.
I think this is harder than it looks.
Russell made this look very easy, and I'm not sure it is.
Do you have a yank in the shower? Erm I never have, no.
This is my very first time.
Do you want to chalk up? Oh, full hands! If you're a 16-year-old boy and you're watching, get the tissues.
Holly Willoughby is shoving a shower curtain up her crack.
Hang on.
Are you ready? Yeah.
(BLEEPING) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) Oh, look at that! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We know how competitive she is, and she blew it away! What's the time? I've never been more proud of anything in my entire life! Holly, you were 50% responsible for what just happened.
Turn around and ask the main man how he did it.
How did that happen? It was what it is.
I've been practising for years, I can yank the best of them.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
I can tell you that your time was It was six seconds! # TINA TURNER: The Best I've got the results! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! Coming up after t'break This way, this way, this way! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Kem, is it true that you're releasing a fitness DVD later in the year? With Chris, yeah.
For younger people, can you tell them what a DVD is? It's something you stick in.
'Something you stick in'! You're going to really enjoy this thing that you can stick in.
It's apparently on pre-order.
What's it called? BOTH: Er (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) It'll be out before then.
The name comes out wrong, the name comes out wrong.
Russell? Yes? Do you know Jeff Goldblum from The Fly? Not personally.
I know of him.
Have you ever played an insect? Er (LAUGHS) No! No, I haven't.
Have you ever played an animal? I've voiced a dog on things.
What's the voice of a dog sound like? It's just upbeat.
(LAUGHTER) Jeff Goldblum, who used to play a fly in the film The Fly has now got a job in Argos in Borehamwood.
Shut up! He's still doing experiments like in The Fly.
'Course.
He did teleportation.
Now what he does is, he splices things.
He splices items from the catalogue with people.
Why? Kem, what do you think about that? I don't even get What is he doing? Exactly! So let's play Hi! Hi, hi, hi.
Here I am in Argos in Borehamwood, where I read in the Daily Mail that Jeff Goldblum from The Fly has been working to get some extra cash.
We're going to splice our teammates with other things.
Let's introduce our teammates that will be the first to be spliced.
It's none other than Charli Sexy Eggs and Russell Tovey.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You ready? Yeah.
So what's going to happen is, we'll splice you with something from the Argos catalogue.
Great.
Then you will come out of the splicing machine if it's been successful.
OK.
Then you will travel outside and race to Jeff Goldblum's friend Tony, who knows how to desplice.
Gotcha.
He's in the ambulance.
The first person in the ambulance will be despliced and win a point.
There are other people that have been spliced with objects.
Johnny Vegas has been spliced with a football.
Chris has been spliced to the ironing board.
Kem has been spliced to a mattress.
Holly has been spliced with kitchen utensils and Fearne has been spliced with a tent.
Who's that? Tom Cruise? Tom Cruise has been spliced to a duvet.
And who? That's Whoopi Goldberg, that's been spliced to a sleeping bag.
Fantastic.
Well-known people.
You're not doing something that's below you.
All the big stars have done this.
Aim high.
Learn things about science and also win points for your team.
Great.
Let's get in the splicing machine.
Yeah.
Ladies first.
Good luck.
Thank you.
You are the first people.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (GRUFF VOICE) I do hope it works, I do hope it works! OK, I'm just going to put a random number in the computer here and see what they're going to be spliced with.
(TAPPING) (DING!) What is it? It's a suitcase for £29.
99! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'll turn it on.
(GLITCHING AND ZAPPING) It sounded like it worked, didn't it? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Let's see.
It worked, they've been spliced! (LAUGHS) Are we going over there? Wait! Wait for me.
Hold on, hold on! Don't go fast.
I can't wait for you, we're in competition now! Charli, is this the pinnacle of your career? One hundred per cent.
(LAUGHS) Russell, how are you feeling? On top of the world, mate.
When you hear the klaxon Are you ready? Ready.
(KLAXON) There it is! There they go! (LAUGHS) This way, this way, this way! This way, this way, this way! This way, this way, this way! (CHEERING) There's Charli Sexy Eggs! She's being deflected by the sleeping bag.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Oh! Oh, no! No, no! Oh! No! No, no! There we go.
On to the net.
It's Charli Sexy Eggs.
Charli Sexy Eggs is in there! Oh, oh, oh! That means that Charli Sexy Eggs wins a point and is despliced! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Let's have the two next splice celebrities.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) OK, we've now got our next celebrities in the splicer.
Let's see what they're going to be spliced into.
Let's see what happens.
(TAPPING) (DING!) It's a Wendy house for £69.
99! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm going to turn it on.
Let's hope it's working.
(GLITCHING AND ZAPPING) That noise sounds like it's worked.
Let's see.
(LAUGHS) It HAS worked! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hey, come back into Argos, come back into Argos.
OK, Johnny, Chris and Kem have been spliced into a Wendy house.
To get despliced, you've got to get to Tony in the ambulance.
I just want to say, Johnny You know what No, no, no! (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Listen, listen, listen! You smashed Russell Tovey in the face when you were Football Head.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) So now he's Football Face in the goal.
He wants to get his revenge, so good luck.
Go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) There it is, go! (CHEERING) There they go, there they go! Look at the speed of Vegas! (VOICE DISTORTS) He's not messing about.
Oh, Russell's caught him in the net! He's got through, he's got through! He's splicing himself by ripping out of the Wendy house! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I think that was Vegas, that was Vegas! Straight in.
He spliced himself out of the Wendy house.
OK, the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Going to an ad break, see you in a bit! Coming up after t'break How many empty vodka miniatures were in Holly Willoughby's bin? Zero.
I don't drink miniatures, I drink litres.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
You having a good time? ALL: Yeah! You having a good time? ALL: Yeah! You having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Before we commence, I have a word in my ear that there might be a disqualification from the splicing game.
Oh! There was some cheating going on, and I can tell you Do you want me to name who it is? I'm not going to name who it is.
Let's have a look at the footage.
(RUSSELL'S VOICE DISTORTED) Ohhh! That was great! I just want to win, I just want to win! You can't win by cheating, my dear! You can though.
I'm being told by the adjudicators, because of the cheating and pushing over Russell, the point goes to Holly's team.
Cheaters never win! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! ALL: Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! OK, there's all to play for in our final round, it's the Buzzer Round! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, your buzzer this week is all about Russell.
What's your buzzer? (JAMAICAN ACCENT) Check out them ears, boy.
Check out those ears, boy.
Fearne's team, apparently your buzzer this week is related to Charli Sexy Eggs.
I like boys in jumpers! I like boys in jumpers.
First question - who is this bloke with t'porn-star moustache? BUZZER: Mickey Mouse! It's David Tennant.
That's Holly's team, Mickey Mouse, who also has large, round ears.
That's not the right answer.
Let's have a look.
CHRIS: It's Hitler.
No, it's Eamonn Holmes! No! (LAUGHTER) Kem, what did you say? I didn't say it.
What did you say, Chris? No, I thought it was Hitler.
(LAUGHTER) Next question.
Whose beautiful toes are these? CHRIS: Oh, they are beautiful.
BUZZER: Our boys went and put their finger in their bum.
Fearne's team? They are my toes.
Let's have a look.
Hey, you dirty bitch! (DING!) Yeah.
They're good, aren't they? How many empty vodka miniatures were in Holly Willoughby's bin? BUZZER: I like boys doing DIY.
That were Fearne's team.
So it's a Thursday, I reckon, 12.
BUZZER: Look at those fucking bat ears! (LAUGHTER) Zero.
I don't drink miniatures, I drink litres.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Well, I've got the bin liner here.
I'll empty those.
Oh, it was 58! Which makes about three litres.
What's Charli Sexy Eggs doing here? Oh, I know! BUZZER: I like boys that play sports.
Peeing! I'm peeing.
Or having a shit.
Nah, peeing.
Checking your tongue for tea stains.
Let's have a look.
Yes, that's correct.
It could be a shit OR a piss.
What's Charli Sexy Eggs up to here? HOLLY: Oh, I don't know.
Do you know? BUZZER: I like gender-neutral people too! Peeing! BUZZER: I hate girls, they're slags.
I'm peeing, again.
Let's have a look.
(DING!) You're peeing again! You are a toilet-selfie queen.
Thank you.
What's the longest word Kem knows? Oh, shit! I knew this.
BUZZER: Dr Spock.
Oh, shit.
Erm RUSSELL: Dr Spock! Oh, no, I forgot it.
Omnibus.
What'd he say, fucking 'omnibus'? Did he say 'omnibus'? 'Endearing'.
'Endearing'.
What is it? 'Endearing'.
I called Amber 'endearing' in the villa.
It's a very long word.
Is 'endearing' your longest word? Only you know the answer! 'Endearing'.
That's correct! (DING!) Who tweeted this about their knob? BUZZER: I like boys putting shelves up.
That very much sounds like something you would tweet.
BUZZER: Only bats have such big fucking ears.
Oh, Russell! What are you saying? Russell.
You think it was Russell? Let's have a look.
RUSSELL: Yeah.
It was dreadful.
Just a stinger? It was horrible.
I just wanted to make it smell nice, not that it smelled bad to begin with.
Bless you! It was horrible, don't do it.
(KLAXON) Oh! That's the end of the buzzer round, the end of Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team of the first episode of series 18 is Charli Sexy Eggs, it's the first time you've been on, and you know what? We lost, didn't we? Yes.
It was Holly's team! (CHEERING) RUSSELL: Oh, amazing! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance, you bastards! # CARLI XCX: Boom Clap (AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME)
Check out my new sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck is going on'? Don't worry, it's just another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo, firing dough balls! Here we are, taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew! Made it to the studio just in time for the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly-show telly? Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
Hi, there.
Yeah! (CHEERING) Hurrah! Hello! Welcome to Celebrity Juice, series 18! (CHEERING) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! Hi! Series 18, we're 18.
That means almost everything is legal now.
So could I put my penis in your arsehole? I mean, you could, but Yes! She said, 'You could'! # KOOL & THE GANG: Celebration No, no, no.
What about thumbs up? No! No.
No.
No, no, no.
Who's on your team? On my right, they were the bromance of the year.
I can't tall you how excited I am that they are here.
It's Chris and Kem! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) On my left is a genuinely brilliant actor, it's Russell Tovey! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) An amazing team.
Let's meet our other team captain.
It's none other than Fearne Cotton! Hello.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's here to cause some havoc, it's Johnny Vegas.
On my right, she is the coolest girl in pop.
it's Charli XCX.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Cool teams.
Lovely teams to go with our lovely new set.
Do you like the set? HOLLY: I do.
Romanesque.
FEARNE: It is.
You can see, there some statues in the background.
Some of them represent us.
FEARNE: Is that right? Is that you, with the very small cock? Yeah, they got the sizes wrong.
He might as well have a faj.
(LAUGHTER) I've got a really fat (BLEEP) there, haven't I? Oh, my God! Oh, it's good to be back.
It feels so good to be back.
I'm just joking.
Have you had nice summers? Yeah.
What have you done, Fearne? Oh, bits and bobs and that.
(ROUGH VOICE) I had to do a bit of bits and bobs! Holly, what have you been doing? I went away, I went to Portugal, saw the Schofields.
Isn't she fucking boring? Really good-looking but boring.
What would be more exciting? To speak to Russell Tovey! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Welcome to Celebrity Juice, your first time.
First time, thank you.
Are you excited? Buzzing, very excited.
You're, like, a proper actor, aren't you? Closest, in the past, to a proper actor we've had is Will Mellor, who, as you know, brought acting to the UK.
He did.
He invented it.
I love Will.
Do you like Will? Yeah.
Love him.
So we like you from many things, Doctor Who, Sherlock.
Yeah.
Gavin & Stacey.
Correct.
Being Human, my favourite.
Yeah? Nice.
When you were in Being Human, you were a werewolf.
Correct.
Did you have to howl on camera? I had to Yeah, I went through transformations.
Can you give us a howl? Oh, really? Ahhh! Is that it? No, that wasn't it.
Agh! (SIGHS AND HOWLS) Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You first became properly famous in The History Boys Yeah.
.
.
with James Corden.
What happened to him? Dunno, he's sort of disappeared off the map.
How old are you there? I'm 22.
And you had big lugs then, didn't you? Yeah, they've stayed with me.
I like your ears! Me too! I was talking about it earlier.
It's one of your features.
It's my trademark.
You ain't going to be in the live action of Dumbo? No, I'm not.
With Tim Burton.
That would have been great, but no.
You've got wonderful ears and you've also won a BAFTA.
I haven't myself, sadly, no, but shows I've been in have.
For what programme? Him & Her.
What happened in Him & Her? Him & Her was about a couple, Steve and Becky, who lived in a bedsit.
Did you get to have a sexual experience in the programme? Loads.
How do you control it? I'm lucky, I've never got a boner when I've been doing it.
Do you not think about it whilst it's happening? I just get in the zone, professional.
They give you a sack you put your bits in like a bag of gold, like the Sheriff of Nottingham.
What, with some nettles in? Yes! In case you get happy.
'Tss-tss'! 'Ah, you' Poison ivy.
(LAUGHTER) Cos these two guys had boners all summer on television.
We saw a lot of that.
I let mine hang out.
I don't know if anyone's seen it.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! You've seen it? We've actually got a picture of your penis.
Is that right? We have to blur it.
Yeah! There it is.
Oh.
HOLLY: It's one big blur.
Because it's Celebrity Juice, fuck you, here it is.
Do you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) It should be inside a baked potato.
It's Chris and Kem! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I didn't watch Love Island, cos I wasn't here, but apparently, you're the first gay couple to come out of Love Island.
Yeah.
Nah.
It's a bromance.
You're not gay? We've got girlfriends.
You were like, 'He looks a bit like Stacey Solomon'.
(LAUGHTER) For anyone who hasn't seen Love Island, what happens? Like What's the message? Of the show? Yeah.
What's the message? I think the message is Yeah? You go on, and the goal is, I guess, to find love.
Or I think that's the logistics.
What's the message? I don't know.
Find love.
(LAUGHTER) That's the essence, what's the message? The message is, like, get a bird.
No, that's the conclusion! What's the message? Stick it on her! Just stick it on someone.
That's the aim, innit? What's the message? Just to get a little bit.
Yeah, just get a bit.
Just to get a bit.
No, that's the evaluation.
If there's a message for people watching, what is it? (LAUGHTER) Know what I mean? No, I don't.
What's the message? What IS the message? No man is an island.
Ah! Deep.
Is THAT the message? (CACKLES) Well, that's what I tell myself when I'm wanking.
HOLLY: Can I ask a question? Yeah.
Feel free.
Do you get on with the girls? Oh, my God, the girls are fantastic.
So supportive.
You're coupled up, living with your partners? I'm living with Olivia and you're I haven't moved in.
Are you in love with the girls that you copped off with? Yeah, swear.
For real? You say, 'I love you' and she says, 'I love you too'? She says, 'I love you more', even better.
You've done it up the arse, cos that's love, innit? Yeah.
The first sign of love, innit? We did that in the villa.
(LAUGHS) Ssh! What'd he say? Nothing! Nothing.
Nah, nah.
He's only joking.
Clearly, it happened.
No, it didn't! What's happening now for you both you've come out of Love Island? We're filming our new show.
What's the new show? We're exploiting a bit of grime, bit of rap, bit of hip-hop, bit of culture.
Exploiting a bit of grime? Not 'exploiting', 'exploring', Chris.
Exploring! I was getting my words mixed up.
We are exploring at the same time, cos we're going into it.
I need theosaurus, I ain't got one.
I get my words muddled up.
Are you bringing a single out? Are you? Are you doing a song with Stormzy? Nah.
Oh, my God, you are! Are you? We haven't said anything.
We You are, you are! Sweetheart, when words come out 'Sweetheart! Leave it out, sweetheart'.
I think they are, I think I'm right.
You are doing a song with Stormzy? Exclusive! No, no, no! Chris and Kem are doing a song with Stormzy.
I'm just texting t'Daily Mail.
Hey, it's Charli Sexy Eggs! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Charli, I'm a big fan of your music, erm, but I always have trouble saying your name.
I always want to say, 'SEX'.
It's 'XCX'.
'SEX' is better.
Sexy Eggs is nice.
Love that.
Charli Sexy Eggs.
She's got lovely, sexy eggs! HOLLY: I like it.
I like that.
Where does your name come from? It's my MSN screen name.
MSN? Not very cool.
Younger people watching, tell them what MSN is.
If you were really awkward as a kid, you would speak to your other awkward friends, then you would see them in the street and not say anything.
You've got a new single out.
We've mocked one up.
Oh, that's nice.
When they mock these things up, I always think, it's not the actual CD inside cos they don't exist any more, they're all download.
I'll give you a point if you can guess what actual CD is in.
FEARNE: BWitched.
Mick Hucknall.
Blue, Blue.
Cleopatra.
ABBA Gold.
No, it was John Barrowman.
(LAUGHTER) Nice.
I didn't even know he had a CD.
Well, you obviously don't shop in Asda.
The song is called Boys.
There it is - Boys.
I asked them so I've got to ask you - what's the message? Just, erm, you know, boys.
They're fit, aren't they? Just go for it.
That's the facts.
OK.
Erm Fuck.
(LAUGHTER) The video, you directed it.
I did, yeah.
The first time you've directed one of your own videos? Yes.
What was that like, do you go, 'That was really good then'? I was fucking great, it was good, yeah.
You've got famous people in it.
Yeah.
Who's in it? Stormzy, your mate.
Yeah, my brother.
Joe Jonas, Mark Ronson.
It's been a massive hit online.
Maybe, yeah.
Say yes.
It's done good.
Sell yourself, sell it! I'm selling it! It's done really well! I'll ask again.
It's been a massive hit online? Fucking huge.
Let's have a look at it.
# Busy thinking about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy dreaming about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy thinking about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy dreaming about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy thinking about boys # Boys, boys # Always busy dreaming about boys # Boys, boys Head is spinning thinking about boys (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Yeah, I love it.
It was That was edgy.
Kids love edgy shit, man.
That was not edgy, that was fucked-up, man.
Hey, everyone, it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING) Last time you were on, you had a fight with a photocopier, you broke it.
That was really bad.
Let's have a look.
FEARNE: No, not the fax machine! Oh, no! (LAUGHTER) Shit! I didn't touch her.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Because you broke that photocopier, we've got the invoice.
We're taking your fee for tonight off of you to pay for the photocopier, but you owe us £250.
There's the invoice.
You still owe us £250.
That's all right, because you lot, in stone form, are going to look fucking great in my garden.
Fearne, we've just seen the return of Bake Off.
You're a big fan, you like baking cakes.
I like the show a lot.
Did you like Love Island? I did, I did watch.
You'll love this round, because we've combined Bake Off No way! .
.
and Love Island, and it's called (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi.
Welcome to the garden of the brand-new show where baking meets lovemaking.
As you can see, Chris and Kem have chocolate eclairs attached to them, covered in chocolate.
All you've got to do to win a point is eradicate the chocolate from the eclair using only your tongue.
Fun, innit? If you get all the icing off both of them, you win a point.
Does it have to fully go in the mouth or can you just lick it? Whatever you want, to get rid of it, using your mouth.
Before we start, can we explain to anyone of a certain age who might be watching, I always felt weird at school, like I didn't belong, and it turns out it's because my penis wasn't made of patisserie.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Have you decided who's going below? I'll go below.
I should go on the bottom.
Why do you want to go on the bottom? I'm a better base.
'I'm a better base'! Coming from here, like that? (LAUGHTER) He's got to get yours and you've got to get his.
I'd rather Mate, no, wait! That's it.
No, no, no! No, cos I can't bend it.
Why have you got to bend it? On the klaxon.
Oh, fucking hell.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No hands, no hands, no hands! No hands.
Don't break it, don't break it.
That's off, innit? He's looking very loving with that.
I'm just trying to get the chocolate off.
We can see.
You're getting SOMETHING off.
KEM: He's an expert, know what I mean? (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon! Oh, ho, ho! (CHEERING) That's quite clean, you've done a good job.
Do you know, I was really grafting.
Yeah, yeah.
Did you bite it? I was sucking it for so long, then I got a bit carried away.
Suck his arsehole? (LAUGHTER) I was trying to get in the gap! Let's have an action replay.
For you girls at home and guys that like guys, get some tissues and enjoy.
# BOYZ II MEN: I'll Make Love To You (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) So the adjudicator The adjudicator is telling me that you've done such a good job, you've won 2 points for your team! Chris and Kem, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break now.
See you in a bit, go for a shit! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Coming up after t'break If you're a 16-year-old boy watching this, get the tissues - Holly Willoughby is shoving a shower curtain up her crack.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Having a good time? ALL: Yeah! I'm not turning into a Butlin's Redcoat - 'I can't hear you'! Having a good time? Yeah! You having a good time? CHARLI AND FEARNE: Yeah! You having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Russell, you've got a new love in your life.
Oh, yeah? Your dog Rocky.
Yeah.
We've got pictures of you and your dog.
You really love him.
I'm obsessed with him.
He's cute.
Is it true you like to take him everywhere? Everywhere.
We've got another picture.
You're really enjoying him there.
I knew this was going to go somewhere like that.
We've got another picture.
Oh, yeah, more? He loves that, dun't he? We've got a picture of him afterwards, smoking a fag.
There he is.
(LAUGHTER) That's my boy.
Time to play an oldie but goldie.
It's not that old but it's very gold.
It's Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It's a word-association game.
I give you a subject and you give me a word related to that subject.
You mustn't repeat, you mustn't stutter, you mustn't feed a mogwai after midnight or show me your teeth.
The subject is: HOLLY: Mm! Chris? Bang in a disabled toilet.
(LAUGHTER) .
.
in a disabled toilet.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Bang in the sea.
Bang in the sea! In the sea! Bink bose.
No, no, no.
Bink rose.
Yeah.
Swim in the sea.
(LAUGHTER) Swim in the sea, mm! Get really, really, really drunk.
Really drunk.
You could blow up a lilo.
(LAUGHTER) You could blow up a lilo! (LAUGHTER) Right.
Johnny? Catch some crabs.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Drink cocktails.
Er (BUZZ!) It just went out my ears! (LAUGHTER) Er, pa-chunking.
Eat paella.
HOLLY: All day long.
Go to the club.
Or you could build a sandcastle.
Or bunkum bung buck.
(LAUGHTER) Cun cream can give you encooking (BUZZ!) (BUZZ!) But I wear bactor bifty.
(BUZZ!) Eh? What? (BUZZ!) AUDIENCE: Aw! (BUZZ!) Chris? Buck, no.
(BUZZ!) Go and see the sights.
Scuba diving.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Er, erm Baba (BUZZ!) Ba Buy a postcard.
Go on a boat.
Wear flip-flops.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZ!) Which means that Holly's team wins! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Mules! And the scores in that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Charli, you've worked with a lot of names.
You've worked with will.
i.
am.
He's got a good style, I think.
Do you? Yeah, he's stylish.
I like your style more.
Thanks.
Look at this - what is going on here? Let's have a look at your outfits from the past.
Oh, no, don't do it! FEARNE: It's fab! You've got snowballs on your tits, yeah? I need some of those.
Snowballs on your tits or tits? Yeah, both.
Let's have a look at the next one.
Oh, no, my mum's going to cry! Is that hers, did you borrow it from her wardrobe? Sorry, Mum.
I gave it back, it's fine.
Any more? That one, where you're having a fart on stage.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) (LAUGHTER) (BLOWS ENORMOUS RASPBERRIES) Are you on tour at the moment? Great segue, by the way.
You did that so beautifully.
I'll do it again, so fuck you, Fearne Cotton.
Do you prefer live or working in the studio? Oh, dear! I prefer going on tour.
Are you on tour at the moment? No.
Great! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, have you ever been in the shower, washing your pits? Right.
Then you wash your balls.
Yeah, all the time.
Sometimes the shower curtain gets stuck between your bum cheeks.
This is a massive problem for me.
That happened to me the other night.
It got really trapped up my bum cheeks.
I pulled it down with the power of the bum cheek and thought, 'What a great game', so let's play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi! Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Here I am with Johnny Vegas.
Aye.
How are you feeling? All right.
Yeah, yeah, good.
Confident.
Tell me about your shower exploits.
Ordinarily, what I like to do is wash downwards up.
(LAUGHTER) I like to get the smell off my testicles but I want to work a bit of it behind my ears.
Do you want to have a word with your friends down camera 5? If you look at me, God didn't give me much, but he gave me tight buns.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Shut the curtain.
You don't start the clock until the curtain is ready, do you? Get the curtain up your buns.
Yeah, I know.
Fucking I'm getting as much of this motherfucker up there as I can.
Do you want to chalk up? (LAUGHTER) Ohhh! (APPLAUSE) Are you ready, is it in? You will go on the Olympic klaxon.
(BLEEPING) (SHOUTING AND CHEERING) You let it down! He's shoving it back up.
Get it in! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, yeah.
You've got to yank it, you've got to yank it! AUDIENCE: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! (CHEERING) Cheat! Did you cheat? FEARNE: Did he cheat, did he cheat? He just admitted himself that he was cheating.
We'll look at the replay to confirm.
Would this arse cheat? (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Did he cheat, did he cheat? I didn't cling! I don't cling.
Cheat.
He cheated! He cheated! Cheater! Cheater! (BOOING) AUDIENCE: Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! (RAGES) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Here I am now with Russell Tovey.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) As you can see, he's got the required uniform on.
Would you like to chalk up? Big time.
HOLLY: Which bit are you chalking up? I get chafing in my bum cheeks.
Would you like to look down camera 5 and say anything to your fans? Thanks for supporting me, guys, this means a lot.
You've been with me on this journey.
It's a really big thing for me to get to this place, so I appreciate that.
Thanks.
Right.
If you'd like to back up to the shower curtain.
If we could have some silence though.
Concentration, yeah.
Is it in? Clench, clench.
Tell me when you have clenched.
I'm trying to get Is it in? It's in.
You will go on the Olympic klaxon.
You ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(BLEEPING) HOLLY: Oh, wow! Oh, oh! (SHOUTS) A couple more! Oh, shit! This is really fucking hard.
(LAUGHTER) You can do it.
Come on, Russell.
Yank it, yank it hard.
(SCREAMS) Oh! Careful, careful, careful! Nearly there.
We've got three more to go.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on! It just takes one quick yank.
(LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) (RAGES) (CHEERING) YES! That was amazing! Well done.
We've even got a time.
I can tell you that the time is Six hours.
You did it in 38 seconds.
Russell Tovey, everyone! Good job, well done.
Thank you.
Well done.
Cheers.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Here we go with Holly Willoughby.
Holly, how are you feeling? A little bit nervous.
Yeah.
I think this is harder than it looks.
Russell made this look very easy, and I'm not sure it is.
Do you have a yank in the shower? Erm I never have, no.
This is my very first time.
Do you want to chalk up? Oh, full hands! If you're a 16-year-old boy and you're watching, get the tissues.
Holly Willoughby is shoving a shower curtain up her crack.
Hang on.
Are you ready? Yeah.
(BLEEPING) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) Oh, look at that! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We know how competitive she is, and she blew it away! What's the time? I've never been more proud of anything in my entire life! Holly, you were 50% responsible for what just happened.
Turn around and ask the main man how he did it.
How did that happen? It was what it is.
I've been practising for years, I can yank the best of them.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
I can tell you that your time was It was six seconds! # TINA TURNER: The Best I've got the results! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! Coming up after t'break This way, this way, this way! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Kem, is it true that you're releasing a fitness DVD later in the year? With Chris, yeah.
For younger people, can you tell them what a DVD is? It's something you stick in.
'Something you stick in'! You're going to really enjoy this thing that you can stick in.
It's apparently on pre-order.
What's it called? BOTH: Er (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) It'll be out before then.
The name comes out wrong, the name comes out wrong.
Russell? Yes? Do you know Jeff Goldblum from The Fly? Not personally.
I know of him.
Have you ever played an insect? Er (LAUGHS) No! No, I haven't.
Have you ever played an animal? I've voiced a dog on things.
What's the voice of a dog sound like? It's just upbeat.
(LAUGHTER) Jeff Goldblum, who used to play a fly in the film The Fly has now got a job in Argos in Borehamwood.
Shut up! He's still doing experiments like in The Fly.
'Course.
He did teleportation.
Now what he does is, he splices things.
He splices items from the catalogue with people.
Why? Kem, what do you think about that? I don't even get What is he doing? Exactly! So let's play Hi! Hi, hi, hi.
Here I am in Argos in Borehamwood, where I read in the Daily Mail that Jeff Goldblum from The Fly has been working to get some extra cash.
We're going to splice our teammates with other things.
Let's introduce our teammates that will be the first to be spliced.
It's none other than Charli Sexy Eggs and Russell Tovey.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You ready? Yeah.
So what's going to happen is, we'll splice you with something from the Argos catalogue.
Great.
Then you will come out of the splicing machine if it's been successful.
OK.
Then you will travel outside and race to Jeff Goldblum's friend Tony, who knows how to desplice.
Gotcha.
He's in the ambulance.
The first person in the ambulance will be despliced and win a point.
There are other people that have been spliced with objects.
Johnny Vegas has been spliced with a football.
Chris has been spliced to the ironing board.
Kem has been spliced to a mattress.
Holly has been spliced with kitchen utensils and Fearne has been spliced with a tent.
Who's that? Tom Cruise? Tom Cruise has been spliced to a duvet.
And who? That's Whoopi Goldberg, that's been spliced to a sleeping bag.
Fantastic.
Well-known people.
You're not doing something that's below you.
All the big stars have done this.
Aim high.
Learn things about science and also win points for your team.
Great.
Let's get in the splicing machine.
Yeah.
Ladies first.
Good luck.
Thank you.
You are the first people.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (GRUFF VOICE) I do hope it works, I do hope it works! OK, I'm just going to put a random number in the computer here and see what they're going to be spliced with.
(TAPPING) (DING!) What is it? It's a suitcase for £29.
99! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'll turn it on.
(GLITCHING AND ZAPPING) It sounded like it worked, didn't it? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Let's see.
It worked, they've been spliced! (LAUGHS) Are we going over there? Wait! Wait for me.
Hold on, hold on! Don't go fast.
I can't wait for you, we're in competition now! Charli, is this the pinnacle of your career? One hundred per cent.
(LAUGHS) Russell, how are you feeling? On top of the world, mate.
When you hear the klaxon Are you ready? Ready.
(KLAXON) There it is! There they go! (LAUGHS) This way, this way, this way! This way, this way, this way! This way, this way, this way! (CHEERING) There's Charli Sexy Eggs! She's being deflected by the sleeping bag.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Oh! Oh, no! No, no! Oh! No! No, no! There we go.
On to the net.
It's Charli Sexy Eggs.
Charli Sexy Eggs is in there! Oh, oh, oh! That means that Charli Sexy Eggs wins a point and is despliced! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Let's have the two next splice celebrities.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) OK, we've now got our next celebrities in the splicer.
Let's see what they're going to be spliced into.
Let's see what happens.
(TAPPING) (DING!) It's a Wendy house for £69.
99! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm going to turn it on.
Let's hope it's working.
(GLITCHING AND ZAPPING) That noise sounds like it's worked.
Let's see.
(LAUGHS) It HAS worked! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hey, come back into Argos, come back into Argos.
OK, Johnny, Chris and Kem have been spliced into a Wendy house.
To get despliced, you've got to get to Tony in the ambulance.
I just want to say, Johnny You know what No, no, no! (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Listen, listen, listen! You smashed Russell Tovey in the face when you were Football Head.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) So now he's Football Face in the goal.
He wants to get his revenge, so good luck.
Go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) There it is, go! (CHEERING) There they go, there they go! Look at the speed of Vegas! (VOICE DISTORTS) He's not messing about.
Oh, Russell's caught him in the net! He's got through, he's got through! He's splicing himself by ripping out of the Wendy house! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I think that was Vegas, that was Vegas! Straight in.
He spliced himself out of the Wendy house.
OK, the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Going to an ad break, see you in a bit! Coming up after t'break How many empty vodka miniatures were in Holly Willoughby's bin? Zero.
I don't drink miniatures, I drink litres.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
You having a good time? ALL: Yeah! You having a good time? ALL: Yeah! You having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Before we commence, I have a word in my ear that there might be a disqualification from the splicing game.
Oh! There was some cheating going on, and I can tell you Do you want me to name who it is? I'm not going to name who it is.
Let's have a look at the footage.
(RUSSELL'S VOICE DISTORTED) Ohhh! That was great! I just want to win, I just want to win! You can't win by cheating, my dear! You can though.
I'm being told by the adjudicators, because of the cheating and pushing over Russell, the point goes to Holly's team.
Cheaters never win! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! ALL: Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! OK, there's all to play for in our final round, it's the Buzzer Round! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, your buzzer this week is all about Russell.
What's your buzzer? (JAMAICAN ACCENT) Check out them ears, boy.
Check out those ears, boy.
Fearne's team, apparently your buzzer this week is related to Charli Sexy Eggs.
I like boys in jumpers! I like boys in jumpers.
First question - who is this bloke with t'porn-star moustache? BUZZER: Mickey Mouse! It's David Tennant.
That's Holly's team, Mickey Mouse, who also has large, round ears.
That's not the right answer.
Let's have a look.
CHRIS: It's Hitler.
No, it's Eamonn Holmes! No! (LAUGHTER) Kem, what did you say? I didn't say it.
What did you say, Chris? No, I thought it was Hitler.
(LAUGHTER) Next question.
Whose beautiful toes are these? CHRIS: Oh, they are beautiful.
BUZZER: Our boys went and put their finger in their bum.
Fearne's team? They are my toes.
Let's have a look.
Hey, you dirty bitch! (DING!) Yeah.
They're good, aren't they? How many empty vodka miniatures were in Holly Willoughby's bin? BUZZER: I like boys doing DIY.
That were Fearne's team.
So it's a Thursday, I reckon, 12.
BUZZER: Look at those fucking bat ears! (LAUGHTER) Zero.
I don't drink miniatures, I drink litres.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Well, I've got the bin liner here.
I'll empty those.
Oh, it was 58! Which makes about three litres.
What's Charli Sexy Eggs doing here? Oh, I know! BUZZER: I like boys that play sports.
Peeing! I'm peeing.
Or having a shit.
Nah, peeing.
Checking your tongue for tea stains.
Let's have a look.
Yes, that's correct.
It could be a shit OR a piss.
What's Charli Sexy Eggs up to here? HOLLY: Oh, I don't know.
Do you know? BUZZER: I like gender-neutral people too! Peeing! BUZZER: I hate girls, they're slags.
I'm peeing, again.
Let's have a look.
(DING!) You're peeing again! You are a toilet-selfie queen.
Thank you.
What's the longest word Kem knows? Oh, shit! I knew this.
BUZZER: Dr Spock.
Oh, shit.
Erm RUSSELL: Dr Spock! Oh, no, I forgot it.
Omnibus.
What'd he say, fucking 'omnibus'? Did he say 'omnibus'? 'Endearing'.
'Endearing'.
What is it? 'Endearing'.
I called Amber 'endearing' in the villa.
It's a very long word.
Is 'endearing' your longest word? Only you know the answer! 'Endearing'.
That's correct! (DING!) Who tweeted this about their knob? BUZZER: I like boys putting shelves up.
That very much sounds like something you would tweet.
BUZZER: Only bats have such big fucking ears.
Oh, Russell! What are you saying? Russell.
You think it was Russell? Let's have a look.
RUSSELL: Yeah.
It was dreadful.
Just a stinger? It was horrible.
I just wanted to make it smell nice, not that it smelled bad to begin with.
Bless you! It was horrible, don't do it.
(KLAXON) Oh! That's the end of the buzzer round, the end of Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team of the first episode of series 18 is Charli Sexy Eggs, it's the first time you've been on, and you know what? We lost, didn't we? Yes.
It was Holly's team! (CHEERING) RUSSELL: Oh, amazing! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance, you bastards! # CARLI XCX: Boom Clap (AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME)