8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e03 Episode Script
Joe Wilkinson, Sara Pascoe, Sam Simmons
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown .
.
Jon Richardson .
.
Sean Lock .
.
Sara Pascoe .
.
Joe Wilkinson .
.
Sam Simmons .
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Susie Dent .
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Rachel Riley .
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and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
You're probably thinking to yourself, "Is this a new one "or is this a repeat?" Well, it's a new one, unless, of course, you're watching a repeat, in which case, yeah, it's a repeat.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, its team captain, Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock is 55, which means, if he was a woman, Countdown would have replaced him twice by now.
LAUGHTER Right, sisters? I don't understand.
No, because YOU don't have to.
LAUGHTER That's not a feminist thing.
What's, er What's the woman's one, then? - There isn't one.
- What's your salute? - Is it that? What's that one? It's that now.
Sean's invented it.
- It's that one.
- Come on, women! "Come on, women!" I don't think is a slogan we're going to be using.
APPLAUSE And Sean's team-mate, Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Joe Wilkinson, he puts the Wilkinson into the phrase, "Is that Joe Wilkinson taking a shit in the middle of the road?" That'll be me.
Up against them this evening, it's team captain Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is a vegan, but what exactly does that mean? Well, it means he's boring to talk to.
LAUGHTER That's not veganism's fault .
.
just in veganism's defence.
I'm 90% vegan.
90%? What's the one thing that keeps you from being vegan? Oh, absolutely foie gras.
LAUGHTER Oh, God, with a nice milky coffee and some cheese.
- Why wouldn't you want to eat cheese? - Oh, the udders and the cows and the puss and the huge swollen No, just have the cheese bit.
APPLAUSE And joining Jon tonight, it's Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING I've done well.
Sara is a vegan feminist.
Basically, she hates sausages.
I've never thought of it that way before.
Sara, you recently went to Australia.
How did you find it? I'm so lucky.
I went there for work and they flew me business class.
- Ooh.
- And I assume you've been in business class before.
Joe, have you been in business class? It's like the top deck of the bus.
It's much better than everything.
It's magical.
They don't do a safety announcement in business class.
Somebody just hands you a glass of champagne and says, "Your money will save you.
" The scary thing about flying, the horrible thing, you know, is the turbulence.
In business class, you've got a little bed with a blanket and the turbulence just rocks you to sleep and, then, every couple of hours, the most beautiful woman you've ever seen or smelled, she comes over, all right, she strokes your hair, she says, "Are you hungry?" "Yeah.
Ah.
" And then she feeds you from her breast and it tastes like Snapple and it's the best.
So, to answer your question, I had a lovely time.
OK.
Jon, when did you last feel proud, proud of yourself? I'll tell you, on the train today, I got a lovely compliment, on the train up here.
I walked under the sign and it said, "First-class rear, standard front.
" LAUGHTER I'll take that.
Yeah.
- Sean, is there anyone you'd like to apologise to? - Yeah.
The life-drawing class.
My thrush was playing up that day AUDIENCE GROANS .
.
and I had to change posture a number of times.
And I was only really comfortable with the one that was facing the draft.
But most of all, I'd like to apologise to my kids.
Sorry to Dandelion Moonflower LAUGHTER .
.
Pritt Stick .
.
and Ian.
Joe, has anything annoyed you lately? Yeah, a few things.
If they don't want you to drink the liquid in a lava lamp, why do they make it look so tasty? And, well, basically, I had to get a passport recently as well and I had to get a passport photo.
I thought I looked really nice in it, but with these new rules and regulations, they wouldn't let me use it, so - Do you have it with you? - Yeah, yeah.
It was that.
LAUGHTER Those sorts of pictures only come once in a lifetime.
- Jon, have you got a mascot? - Well, now everyone's had enough of James Dyson, there's a gap in the market for a British entrepreneur in the cleaning department, so I've invented a new .
.
a revolutionary new product in the fight against filth and I present to you the .
.
Swiss Army broom.
BUZZER There we go.
It comes with its own buzzer.
It's fucking good at conundrums, I'll tell you that.
So, you've obviously got your basic broom for your basic brooming, a bit ofcleaning up there.
Aerial, so you can put a bit of Magic on.
But when you've finished your brooming, obviously, you might have, erm, spilt a bit, so it comes with a mop.
There's your mop attachment there.
There's your duster there, which is for dusting as well, but if you're kinky, have a bit of a tickle.
Clean together, that's what I'm saying, Don't make it a solo activity.
This is your grabber for picking up smaller items.
Pinch a boob with it, if you're kinky.
I mean, basically, if you're kinky, anything can go anywhere, can't it? Just shove it up there.
This is a picture of Roger Federer.
just to get it by the Swiss LAUGHTER .
.
legally.
APPLAUSE That's a tableau there with what days your recycling goes out and your bins there.
They send everyone one of these, so, you know, do stick it somewhere, on the fridge, not in a drawer where we're never going to find it again! And, finally, just in case you might get burgled while you're doing your cleaning, big knives.
APPLAUSE - Sara, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
- What have you got? Well, I had a big think aboutcos on this show, - I've been very bad.
- Yes.
- And reflecting back at school, I wasn't bad at maths.
I was trying to think, "What's the difference between when I was at school and here, now?" and the main difference is that I used to sit behind a boy that I really liked called Wesley Galvin.
He had such a nice head shape and such beautiful ear lobes, I think it really kind of powered me on, inspired me.
So, he's here and I'm going to just sit behind him and look at the board, to see if it helps me.
- Is he here? - Yeah, he's here.
Wesley! Hi, Wesley.
If you just want to sit down there.
He's lovely.
- Was he in your year at school? - Yeah, he's had a lot of work done.
- LAUGHTER - So, I think this is really going to help me and, then, if you just come out for the maths rounds, Wes, and, then, maybe we could go for a drink afterwards.
There's a little bar just right next door and .
.
a couple of wines, back over the Do you remember Miss Eaton? Round of applause for Wesley! APPLAUSE There's a lot of tension between us.
He really smells of Lynx, doesn't he? That's how I like 'em, boy.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Do you know what I've realised, right? This day and age, everyone's on the internet.
Neeowww! Like a motorbike, isn't it, the internet? IMITATES MOTORBIKE Ermyou go into your local newsagents and there is just I mean, you go to, I won't say the full name, - WSmith's, right - LAUGHTER .
.
or somewhere like that, they've got hundreds of magazines and I was thinking to myself, "They're really specialised.
" There's money to be made out there, so I've invested money in a little I've bought a little publishing company - and I've got a roster of magazines that I'm - Lovely.
- .
.
producing.
This is And it's incredibly lucrative.
I didn't realise just how much money there is in magazines.
It's quite a long build-up, isn't it? It better be funny! Well, that's probably why I'm taking so long cos I'm feeling a bit cocky.
Feeling A Bit Cocky is probably one of the magazines, is it? - LAUGHTER - You can't help it, can you? It's a gift.
It's a gift.
Anyway, so, the first one is The Wall Magazine and that's just about bricklaying and that comes with a free brick.
If you collect all of the issues - LAUGHTER - .
.
you can build your own wall.
This next magazine is very popular cos there's a lot of these out there and there wasn't a publication for them.
It's called The Lapsed Catholic.
There we are.
LAUGHTER And there's an interview .
.
with Johnny Vegas, erm, Roberto Baggio, Tom Cruise, Lady Gaga, and, mostly, it's a directory for drugs, booze and sex, to be honest.
But a popular publication.
Now, this magazine has been a massive hit, right? It's Busty Foster Mums.
LAUGHTER You can have that on lower shelves.
You could have that on the lowest shelf cos there's no nudity or anything in it, it's just lovely mums you'd like to foster you.
And, then, I thought, you know there's those trends for magazines, those celebrity magazines, where they point our flaws in celebrities? You know, they sort of point out cellulite and stuff like that for celebrities.
I thought, "Let's do that but with ordinary women," so LAUGHTER .
.
I've created APPLAUSE .
.
Look At The State Of Her Magazine.
Real women, shamed.
Sean's magazines, everyone.
- Joe, have you got a mascot? - Erm, yeah.
I don't know about you, but I'm fed up with the same old pinatas, aren't you? AUDIENCE: Yes! Fed up with it.
So, I've come up with my own range of pinatas.
I've bought a few with me.
This first one is .
.
is my Rachel Riley pinata.
LAUGHTER Having a few cans and she's thrown up.
Ermand rather than do the old boring sweets inside the pinata, I decided to put something inside that the kids can whack out, something more relevant, so, in this one .
.
it's a load of marijuana joints.
LAUGHTER More relevant to Rachel.
The next one is .
.
Susie Dent.
As you can see, she's holding a bicycle chain, which is her pub-fight weapon of choice.
And inside is .
.
a dictionary.
But in good In Susie Dent fashion, it's hiding a knuckle duster.
This one's you, Jimmy.
- The hair comes off, like yours - LAUGHTER .
.
like the real thing.
And inside is simply some .
.
teeth-whitening gel for horses.
LAUGHTER Sean, here's Sean.
You see he's got the traditional middle finger.
Hey! Inside Sean, there's a load of little toys and trumpets and so on, the things that bring you joy, but they're all broken.
And finally is a Jon pinata.
LAUGHTER OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sam has a very unique look.
I like to call it "fire alarm halfway through a haircut.
" If I do that? LAUGHTER Oh, that helps.
What do you like about the UK, Sam? Tesco's.
Any of the self-service checkout places are really good cos what I like to do is, just before you're about to pay, I'll lean down into the scanner and sometimes just give it a little kiss, just go .
.
or I'll just say something like, something fun, like, "Beach people," so I'll just lean down to the scanner and go, "Beach people," hoping that someone next to me will go, "Hey, why are doing that?" and I'll go, "Oh, you get 25% off," and then .
.
I'll leave them with that information.
It's fun.
LAUGHTER And with Sam, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent has written 14 books.
Will she ever run out of ideas? Yes, after the second one.
Susie, have you and Rachel ever gone on holiday together? Yeah, we went to Dublin and we had a really good weekend.
- Yeah.
- Cut a long story short, at the end of the night, we were looking for a late-night chemist, as you do LAUGHTER So, we went in, couldn't find what we wanted on the shelves, so went up to the counter and what we were looking for, I was looking for, was a hot water bottle cos it was really, really cold, and there was no hot water bottles on the shelves.
So, I said, "Do you happen to have a hot water bottle?" to the pharmacist and he said, "Yeah, I do," and he leant down behind the counter and got out this massive long hot-water bottle, that I guess is like a bolster that you kind of put it next to you.
And Rachel just looked at me and she said, - "Yeah, Susie likes a long one.
" - LAUGHTER And that was it, really.
That kind of summed up everything.
But we had a We had a hot night.
A warm night! APPLAUSE And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, despite what you might think, Rachel's job isn't just putting vowels and consonants on a board.
She also has to take them down again.
How's your Russian coming along? Well, I've been once and I tested it out and they understood me mostly, but I did get in a taxi and asked the driver to take me on a cruise on the fish, instead of on the river cos "reka", "reba", very close.
I have been very careful not to mistake blow job - and minutes cos they're very similar.
- What, sorry? Minutes is "minut" and blow job's "minet".
Don't get those confused.
It sounds like your Russian's going great.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown baseball set.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on, Fabio.
You can do this.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean, Joe, you get the pick of the letters.
SEAN TALKS NONSENSE - .
.
please? - Yeah.
"Judip-car.
" E "Drip-dorso.
" "Juduth.
" S "Ul.
" O "Swishem.
" R "Um.
" E "Guzup.
" F "Hol.
" And a finalI.
OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bullshit.
Sean, how many? - I've only got six.
- Joe, how many? Seven.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Seven?! You got seven? - No, I got four.
- Four.
OK.
Sara, how many have you got? - Six.
- Six? OK.
And Jon? Seven, I think.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! I mean, it's not a panto.
LAUGHTER - Joe, what's your four? - TENS.
TENS? TENS, more than one .
.
ten.
Sean, your six? FRONTS Oh, lovely! OK, Sara, your six.
Mine's FEINTS, with an E.
- FEINTS with an E? - Like in boxing.
And Jon, your seven? For the points.
FORTIES Oh! Nice.
- Like my TENS.
- LAUGHTER OK, seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE - Good old Jon.
- Good old Jon.
Could they have done any better? You can have SOFTENER for eight.
- Oh, lovely.
- That's nice.
- Is that as good as it gets, Susie? - It was the best, yeah.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Does that mean I can get my Wesley? - Yeah, you can get your Wesley.
Wesley! Can you come back? Can I ask, was Wesley a bully? It might hinder me.
No, no, he's really nice.
He's 40 but not in a bad way.
Could you just point out for the viewers at home as well that his stool is higher than my chair? Just out of interest, he's grown a proper beard as well, hasn't he? Yes.
I wouldn't say it's a proper beard.
APPLAUSE - OK, so, we're picking the numbers, are we? - Yes.
- We'll go norm, please.
- Norm.
- One big? - 50 or 100 would be dynamite! Not a 75.
I'm out if it's a 75! - 5, 9, 10, 2, 4 - Oh, cock and balls! - Lovely! OK, 517 is your target and your time starts now.
Christ alive.
Urgh.
That's quite close.
- So, the target was 517.
Sara, did you get it? - No.
- Did you get distracted by that young man? - There is a smell of Lynx, yes.
- Jon was right.
- What did you get? How close? Oh, I just wrote all the numbers down.
I tell you what, he's done it for me, though.
Turns out a man you went to school with behind me really rocks me off.
Did he help you? That's good, then.
- Did you get it? - No.
- Yes.
- You did? OK, you got it.
Joe, did you get it? I think I got it, yeah.
- No, no, did you get 517 from the numbers? - I got 517, yeah.
- Sean, did you get it? - No, I got 516.
OK, Joe, how did you get it? 4+2 is 6, times 75 is 525.
- Is it? - OK, I'm out.
John.
- 9-2 is 7.
Times 75.
- 525.
- 10 over 5 is 2.
- Yeah.
Multiplied by four.
Hold on, 10 over 5, what do you mean? - And then take it - What the fuck is 10 over 5? - 10 divided by 5.
- 10 over 5.
- Well, say that! You're not allowed to divide things.
I thought you could either add them And you could do times, I didn't realise we were on dividing yet.
I didn't think - We haven't done division! - Exactly! I only even did that because I didn't want to play my joker.
- Which is what? - You know, the joker, you can have any number.
- What? - You can just swap any number.
- Can you? Yeah, so if you'd have played your joker you could have turned the two into seven and you have got it.
- What?! - And the other thing is What's worth mentioning, nines are wild in Countdown.
Joe, it's a carve up stitch up, they don't want us to win.
It doesn't suit their agenda.
It's very convenient.
- Oh, give them the fucking points.
- Yeah! OK, that's 10 points to Jon! Thank you very much.
And here is your teaser.
The words are cage nips.
The clue is get them out.
That's cage nips.
Get them out.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were CAGE NIPS, the clue was, get them out.
It was, of course, ESCAPING.
So, Jon and Sara are in the lead.
Sean, what are you What are you reading? Oh, it's just another one of these magazines I've got out at the moment.
What's the, what's the magazine? Well, you know there's a lot of consumer magazines out there.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, it's hard to know sometimes which is the right consumer magazine for you.
So, I've created What Which? Magazine.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I've just got a growing empire.
This is Tim Magazine.
It's just stuff about Tims.
Err, any Tim you could think of.
I would have said it had been a quiet year for Henman, but he's still won TIM of the Year.
Yeah, yeah, and he's Who was he up against this year? Out of interest.
Another Tim.
- Who was it, who came second in that? - Mallet.
- Brook Taylor? Timmy Mallet was in there.
There was Tim, well, it's a bit of a cheat, we got Justin Timberlake.
And then the final magazine.
Now, there's money in porn.
We all know that.
And I thought to myself, I want to provide a service which isn't provided for.
So, I created this magazine, and it's called Red Hot Sex.
It's basically, it's people with the flu have sex.
I mean, look at the state of him.
He has toto do a whole coach load of, of sick nannas.
I didn't think you were going there with it.
So, you know, it's people with the flu having sex.
What can be more fun that that? - And you managed to get Novak Djokovic.
- Yeah.
Well, he's a dirty bastard.
- Sean's magazines, everyone.
- Sean's magazines.
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS OK, they've been playing in teams so far, - but this game is just for Jon and Joe.
- Oh, crap.
Jon, your turn to choose.
- Joe, your turn to lose.
- OK.
I'll have a consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And a consonant, please.
- What was it? - D.
- Oh, I love D.
- And, a final AUDIENCE LAUGHS .
.
and a final vowel, please.
OK, and your time starts now.
Susie, Rachel, are you hungry? Hang on.
Oh.
OK, I mean OK, OK.
AUDIENCE CHEERS Jon, are youare you hungry? - Go on, then.
- OK.
AUDIENCE: Aw! AUDIENCE: Yay! Jon, how many letters? Seven.
- Joe, how many letters? - Yes, seven.
Jon, what's your seven? - UNLOVED.
- Aw.
What one did you get? - UNRAVEL.
- Uhmm.
How did I get it? I was told.
Who told you? Your brain told you.
That's how it works.
Well, you, yeah, after you wrote it there.
We need points, Joe.
Don't blow them.
We still get it.
Seven points to both teams.
Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better? - Er, UNLOADER, and Overland.
- Yeah.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Joe have seven, Jon and Sara have 24.
Right, so.
Now time for Sean and Sara to go head-to-head.
Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK.
- Yes.
- I would like one big one, and five little 'uns.
They are - OK, so your target is 555.
- 555.
Easy to remember, if you like 5s.
Your time starts now.
Just keep adding.
Just keep adding.
Did you get it, Sean? No.
- Yeah, I did.
Yeah, yeah, of course I did.
- You got it? OK.
- Sara, did you get it? - No.
Yeah, we're back in this.
Yeah, you're back in it.
Sean, talk me through it.
- How did you get it? - How did I get it? 7 times 75.
7 times 75 is 525.
3 times seven is 3 times the other 7 is 21.
Yeah, add it on.
And, what happens if you put a 9 on that? 10 points to Sean.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Sam, what have you got for us? I have some impressions that I've worked pretty hard on, so.
Oh, I said hard on.
OK, let's, let's go, let's go with this first one.
All right, let's I've really tried.
VOICEOVER: This is an impression of a man who confused going on a trip to Lego Land with a leg of lamb.
Aw.
This is an impression of a man pretending to be a little old Italian nonna who doesn't know the English word for pasta colander, or strainer.
ITALIAN ACCENT: You know the thing that's got all the holes in it, I don't know the word, the English word, it's got many holes, you put the pasta, and the pasta goes in, the water come away, you know, like where the spaghetti stay, the water go bye.
This is an impression of a man who is secretly threatened by his own sexuality whilst trying to order a croissant in a cafe.
Yeah, mate, just gis us one of those fucking buttery, flaky fuckers.
I don't know what you call it.
You know, those fucking French stuff, I'm not going to say the word for it, just make sure it's fucking melt in the mouth.
Ah, shit! This is the same man trying to order a bowl of soup.
Yeah, mate just give us a bowl of that fucking hot, wet shit.
Yeah, that one over there, I don't care how hot it is, I'm just going to chuck it at my head.
I'll get some in me cake.
What flavours have you guys got? Oh, look, you've got a volute of pumpkin! Oh, shit.
Here's that very same man violently chewing an apple in an over compensating fashion just in case anyone thought he may have any shred of femininity whatsoever.
Now, the trick to eating an apple is you just attack the apple violently like it's an enemy, you just go at it like a man, like.
MUFFLED SHOUTING Sam Simmons, everyone.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Joe have 17, Jon and Sara have 24.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SHOW PORK, the clue is, make sure you've got wood.
That's SHOW PORK, make sure you've got wood.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SHOW PORK.
The clue was, make sure you've got wood.
It was, of course, WORKSHOP.
Time for another letters round.
- Rachel, how many of these have you done? - 20,000, I think.
I've had my ten-year anniversary now.
So Ten years of shows? Well, let's celebrate.
MUSIC: Celebration by Kool & The Gang # There's a party goin' on right here A celebration to last throughout the years Oh, wow.
# So bring your good times, and your laughter too # We gonna celebrate your party with you Come on now CHEERING Rachel Riley, maths genius.
Let's have a look at some of your best bits from the last ten years.
Er, Rachel, could it be done? Er, leave it with me.
- What? Sorry? - Leave it with me.
- OK.
Can I remind everyone - that is Rachel's only job, so AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Rachel, could it be done? - Um - COUNTING TO HERSELF 4 x 25 = 100 x 5 = 500 - 75 = 425 Hold on.
4 x 25 = 100.
- Sorry, I-I was dithering then.
- Oh, sorry.
Wowsers, I thought you were the smart one.
- I just stopped listening.
- OK, er Oh! OK.
Sorry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Why's there a five and a four coming out? - A bit more exciting for me.
- If numbers CHEERING Ten years on Countdown, Rachel Riley, everyone.
CHEERING Just before we go on.
Susie, out of interest, how many years have you been on the show? 27 years? PARP! POP! We'll carry on with the game.
APPLAUSE Sean and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
Could I have a consonant, please? Yes, you can, Joe.
S Another one, please.
B A vowel.
I Consonant, please.
An H.
Er Aconsonant please.
Why do you want an H? - Er, wanted to spell SHIT.
- Ah.
A consonant, please.
C Consonant, please, until I get an H.
S Consonant, please.
Now don't be silly.
- I'm afraid of the - Don't spoil the game.
- We're going to need some vowels now.
- Vowel.
- There's rules and stuff.
- We can win this, Joe.
- Can we? - U and E.
OK, and your time starts .
.
now.
- Sara, how many letters? - Six.
Six.
Jon, how many letters? Er, Seven.
Joe, how many letters? Three.
Well done.
- Sean, how many letters? - Six.
Six? OK, Joe, what is your three-letter word? SI Sean, your six? - TRIBES.
- TRIBES? Sara? So, the thing is, I've got a six I trust, I've got an eight I don't trust.
- Go for the eight.
- Do you reckon? A bit of excitement.
OK, Jon.
what was your seven? Well, you should have got this after your magazines.
BUSTIER - SARA: Lovely.
- Dirty little - Urgh! JOE: Is that where your mind goes? Sara your eight, your risky eight.
My risky eight, I wrote CRUSTIES, like old people.
Is it in there, Susie? It is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I got it! CRUSTIES.
OK, Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, ric RICTUSES.
Yes, rictus grin.
What is RICTUSES? You can have a rictus grimace.
Look at Jimmy - it's the kind of fixed grin.
OK, so eight points to Sara.
- Whoo! - CHEERING OK, time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
Sam Simmons, what have you got for us? So, it's a karaoke song about a song you'd know about fingers.
That make sense? Let's go.
IN THE STYLE OF: Life On Mars by David Bowie # They're for feeling the things you want # Getting service in a restaurant Or high-fiving this guy right here Yeah.
# Or scratching your itchy ear # They're for hailing a taxi cab # Or for picking an elbow scab # Or touching a random man here on the head # Randomly touching men with my # FINGERS Pointing at a seagull Go away.
# FINGERS # Help you eat a sausage roll # But mine can't play guitar # Why can't you play the guita-a-a-a-a-a-ar?! # They can pull apart chicken wings # Point at pictures of old Beijing # You can use them to pat a cat # Or for pinching your belly fat # Place a pancake on rabbits' heads # Oh, here's some Irish soda bread # You can use them to wave goodbye # Stick your fucken finger in your eye # I'm sick of pointing out all the things # You can do with your fingy-fings # Like these fingers with burger rings # Here's some potatoes # FINGERS # Touching other fingers # FINGERS # Fingering a finger hole These fingers think they're a horse Stop it.
No, I'm not doing any more.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
That was lovely.
And you could also hear, if you listened closely, David Bowie turning in his grave.
The scores at the moment - Sean and Joe have 17, Jon and Sara have 32.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are LUBE KITS.
The clue is, the bigger the better.
That's LUBE KITS, the bigger the better.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser - the words were LUBE KITS, the clue was the bigger the better.
It was of course BULKIEST.
OK, time for our final letters game, Jon, - and Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
- Please.
Right, thank you very much.
Can I have a consonant please? Thank you, Sara.
- - Can I have a vowel? You can have an A.
Can I have two consonants? N L A vowel.
I - Oh, its going to spell tanlight.
- A consonant.
P Another consonant.
S LAUGHTER Why is this so funny? A vowel.
A Another consonant please.
And, the last one C LAUGHTER Why is this so funny? OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
- How many? - I got eight.
What now? Another eight? - Yes.
- You are killing it.
- Jon, how many? - Eight.
- Joe? - A risky five.
- A risky five? - Yeah.
- Sean? - I've got eight.
- OK, Joe, what's your five? Oh, there's one - CLIPS.
CLIPS.
OK.
Sean, what's your eight? CAPITALS.
- CAPITALS.
- Very nice.
- Sara, what's your eight? - CAPTAINS.
- OK, and Jon? - I also got CAPTAINS.
8 points to both teams.
Pretty good.
Sam, Susie could they have done any better? Er, no, eight was the best that we could do, as a medical term APLASTIC as well for eight, meaning, it's describing the organs that don't function properly.
OK, so Sean and Joe have 25, Jon and Sara have 40.
40 wow, pretty good.
Nice scoring.
OK, fingers on buzzers, this time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time starts now.
BUZZER BELL Come in.
- Can I go first? - Yeah.
- I've just seen the word DRAGON in there.
- Yeah.
You'll kick yourself, cos the answer's actually PETDRAGON.
Oh, well played.
- I'm going to restart the clock.
- Can I get some points for DRAGON? - No.
- We're restarting the clock.
I seriously don't get a point for DRAGON? I would love to help, but I'm going to restart the clock.
I'm out, I only see DRAGON.
DANGERTOP.
What you put on if you're going on a risky sort of adventure.
- It's GODPARENT.
- It's what, what was that? GODPARENT.
I heard Sara say it.
I thought I'd ruin it for her.
Let's see if Sara's right.
How are you supposed to see that? Sara got it, that means the final scores are Sean and Joe have 25, Jon and Sara have 50.
Congratulations, Jon and Sara, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown Baseball Set.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown .
.
Jon Richardson .
.
Sean Lock .
.
Sara Pascoe .
.
Joe Wilkinson .
.
Sam Simmons .
.
Susie Dent .
.
Rachel Riley .
.
and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
You're probably thinking to yourself, "Is this a new one "or is this a repeat?" Well, it's a new one, unless, of course, you're watching a repeat, in which case, yeah, it's a repeat.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, its team captain, Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock is 55, which means, if he was a woman, Countdown would have replaced him twice by now.
LAUGHTER Right, sisters? I don't understand.
No, because YOU don't have to.
LAUGHTER That's not a feminist thing.
What's, er What's the woman's one, then? - There isn't one.
- What's your salute? - Is it that? What's that one? It's that now.
Sean's invented it.
- It's that one.
- Come on, women! "Come on, women!" I don't think is a slogan we're going to be using.
APPLAUSE And Sean's team-mate, Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Joe Wilkinson, he puts the Wilkinson into the phrase, "Is that Joe Wilkinson taking a shit in the middle of the road?" That'll be me.
Up against them this evening, it's team captain Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is a vegan, but what exactly does that mean? Well, it means he's boring to talk to.
LAUGHTER That's not veganism's fault .
.
just in veganism's defence.
I'm 90% vegan.
90%? What's the one thing that keeps you from being vegan? Oh, absolutely foie gras.
LAUGHTER Oh, God, with a nice milky coffee and some cheese.
- Why wouldn't you want to eat cheese? - Oh, the udders and the cows and the puss and the huge swollen No, just have the cheese bit.
APPLAUSE And joining Jon tonight, it's Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING I've done well.
Sara is a vegan feminist.
Basically, she hates sausages.
I've never thought of it that way before.
Sara, you recently went to Australia.
How did you find it? I'm so lucky.
I went there for work and they flew me business class.
- Ooh.
- And I assume you've been in business class before.
Joe, have you been in business class? It's like the top deck of the bus.
It's much better than everything.
It's magical.
They don't do a safety announcement in business class.
Somebody just hands you a glass of champagne and says, "Your money will save you.
" The scary thing about flying, the horrible thing, you know, is the turbulence.
In business class, you've got a little bed with a blanket and the turbulence just rocks you to sleep and, then, every couple of hours, the most beautiful woman you've ever seen or smelled, she comes over, all right, she strokes your hair, she says, "Are you hungry?" "Yeah.
Ah.
" And then she feeds you from her breast and it tastes like Snapple and it's the best.
So, to answer your question, I had a lovely time.
OK.
Jon, when did you last feel proud, proud of yourself? I'll tell you, on the train today, I got a lovely compliment, on the train up here.
I walked under the sign and it said, "First-class rear, standard front.
" LAUGHTER I'll take that.
Yeah.
- Sean, is there anyone you'd like to apologise to? - Yeah.
The life-drawing class.
My thrush was playing up that day AUDIENCE GROANS .
.
and I had to change posture a number of times.
And I was only really comfortable with the one that was facing the draft.
But most of all, I'd like to apologise to my kids.
Sorry to Dandelion Moonflower LAUGHTER .
.
Pritt Stick .
.
and Ian.
Joe, has anything annoyed you lately? Yeah, a few things.
If they don't want you to drink the liquid in a lava lamp, why do they make it look so tasty? And, well, basically, I had to get a passport recently as well and I had to get a passport photo.
I thought I looked really nice in it, but with these new rules and regulations, they wouldn't let me use it, so - Do you have it with you? - Yeah, yeah.
It was that.
LAUGHTER Those sorts of pictures only come once in a lifetime.
- Jon, have you got a mascot? - Well, now everyone's had enough of James Dyson, there's a gap in the market for a British entrepreneur in the cleaning department, so I've invented a new .
.
a revolutionary new product in the fight against filth and I present to you the .
.
Swiss Army broom.
BUZZER There we go.
It comes with its own buzzer.
It's fucking good at conundrums, I'll tell you that.
So, you've obviously got your basic broom for your basic brooming, a bit ofcleaning up there.
Aerial, so you can put a bit of Magic on.
But when you've finished your brooming, obviously, you might have, erm, spilt a bit, so it comes with a mop.
There's your mop attachment there.
There's your duster there, which is for dusting as well, but if you're kinky, have a bit of a tickle.
Clean together, that's what I'm saying, Don't make it a solo activity.
This is your grabber for picking up smaller items.
Pinch a boob with it, if you're kinky.
I mean, basically, if you're kinky, anything can go anywhere, can't it? Just shove it up there.
This is a picture of Roger Federer.
just to get it by the Swiss LAUGHTER .
.
legally.
APPLAUSE That's a tableau there with what days your recycling goes out and your bins there.
They send everyone one of these, so, you know, do stick it somewhere, on the fridge, not in a drawer where we're never going to find it again! And, finally, just in case you might get burgled while you're doing your cleaning, big knives.
APPLAUSE - Sara, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
- What have you got? Well, I had a big think aboutcos on this show, - I've been very bad.
- Yes.
- And reflecting back at school, I wasn't bad at maths.
I was trying to think, "What's the difference between when I was at school and here, now?" and the main difference is that I used to sit behind a boy that I really liked called Wesley Galvin.
He had such a nice head shape and such beautiful ear lobes, I think it really kind of powered me on, inspired me.
So, he's here and I'm going to just sit behind him and look at the board, to see if it helps me.
- Is he here? - Yeah, he's here.
Wesley! Hi, Wesley.
If you just want to sit down there.
He's lovely.
- Was he in your year at school? - Yeah, he's had a lot of work done.
- LAUGHTER - So, I think this is really going to help me and, then, if you just come out for the maths rounds, Wes, and, then, maybe we could go for a drink afterwards.
There's a little bar just right next door and .
.
a couple of wines, back over the Do you remember Miss Eaton? Round of applause for Wesley! APPLAUSE There's a lot of tension between us.
He really smells of Lynx, doesn't he? That's how I like 'em, boy.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Do you know what I've realised, right? This day and age, everyone's on the internet.
Neeowww! Like a motorbike, isn't it, the internet? IMITATES MOTORBIKE Ermyou go into your local newsagents and there is just I mean, you go to, I won't say the full name, - WSmith's, right - LAUGHTER .
.
or somewhere like that, they've got hundreds of magazines and I was thinking to myself, "They're really specialised.
" There's money to be made out there, so I've invested money in a little I've bought a little publishing company - and I've got a roster of magazines that I'm - Lovely.
- .
.
producing.
This is And it's incredibly lucrative.
I didn't realise just how much money there is in magazines.
It's quite a long build-up, isn't it? It better be funny! Well, that's probably why I'm taking so long cos I'm feeling a bit cocky.
Feeling A Bit Cocky is probably one of the magazines, is it? - LAUGHTER - You can't help it, can you? It's a gift.
It's a gift.
Anyway, so, the first one is The Wall Magazine and that's just about bricklaying and that comes with a free brick.
If you collect all of the issues - LAUGHTER - .
.
you can build your own wall.
This next magazine is very popular cos there's a lot of these out there and there wasn't a publication for them.
It's called The Lapsed Catholic.
There we are.
LAUGHTER And there's an interview .
.
with Johnny Vegas, erm, Roberto Baggio, Tom Cruise, Lady Gaga, and, mostly, it's a directory for drugs, booze and sex, to be honest.
But a popular publication.
Now, this magazine has been a massive hit, right? It's Busty Foster Mums.
LAUGHTER You can have that on lower shelves.
You could have that on the lowest shelf cos there's no nudity or anything in it, it's just lovely mums you'd like to foster you.
And, then, I thought, you know there's those trends for magazines, those celebrity magazines, where they point our flaws in celebrities? You know, they sort of point out cellulite and stuff like that for celebrities.
I thought, "Let's do that but with ordinary women," so LAUGHTER .
.
I've created APPLAUSE .
.
Look At The State Of Her Magazine.
Real women, shamed.
Sean's magazines, everyone.
- Joe, have you got a mascot? - Erm, yeah.
I don't know about you, but I'm fed up with the same old pinatas, aren't you? AUDIENCE: Yes! Fed up with it.
So, I've come up with my own range of pinatas.
I've bought a few with me.
This first one is .
.
is my Rachel Riley pinata.
LAUGHTER Having a few cans and she's thrown up.
Ermand rather than do the old boring sweets inside the pinata, I decided to put something inside that the kids can whack out, something more relevant, so, in this one .
.
it's a load of marijuana joints.
LAUGHTER More relevant to Rachel.
The next one is .
.
Susie Dent.
As you can see, she's holding a bicycle chain, which is her pub-fight weapon of choice.
And inside is .
.
a dictionary.
But in good In Susie Dent fashion, it's hiding a knuckle duster.
This one's you, Jimmy.
- The hair comes off, like yours - LAUGHTER .
.
like the real thing.
And inside is simply some .
.
teeth-whitening gel for horses.
LAUGHTER Sean, here's Sean.
You see he's got the traditional middle finger.
Hey! Inside Sean, there's a load of little toys and trumpets and so on, the things that bring you joy, but they're all broken.
And finally is a Jon pinata.
LAUGHTER OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sam has a very unique look.
I like to call it "fire alarm halfway through a haircut.
" If I do that? LAUGHTER Oh, that helps.
What do you like about the UK, Sam? Tesco's.
Any of the self-service checkout places are really good cos what I like to do is, just before you're about to pay, I'll lean down into the scanner and sometimes just give it a little kiss, just go .
.
or I'll just say something like, something fun, like, "Beach people," so I'll just lean down to the scanner and go, "Beach people," hoping that someone next to me will go, "Hey, why are doing that?" and I'll go, "Oh, you get 25% off," and then .
.
I'll leave them with that information.
It's fun.
LAUGHTER And with Sam, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent has written 14 books.
Will she ever run out of ideas? Yes, after the second one.
Susie, have you and Rachel ever gone on holiday together? Yeah, we went to Dublin and we had a really good weekend.
- Yeah.
- Cut a long story short, at the end of the night, we were looking for a late-night chemist, as you do LAUGHTER So, we went in, couldn't find what we wanted on the shelves, so went up to the counter and what we were looking for, I was looking for, was a hot water bottle cos it was really, really cold, and there was no hot water bottles on the shelves.
So, I said, "Do you happen to have a hot water bottle?" to the pharmacist and he said, "Yeah, I do," and he leant down behind the counter and got out this massive long hot-water bottle, that I guess is like a bolster that you kind of put it next to you.
And Rachel just looked at me and she said, - "Yeah, Susie likes a long one.
" - LAUGHTER And that was it, really.
That kind of summed up everything.
But we had a We had a hot night.
A warm night! APPLAUSE And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, despite what you might think, Rachel's job isn't just putting vowels and consonants on a board.
She also has to take them down again.
How's your Russian coming along? Well, I've been once and I tested it out and they understood me mostly, but I did get in a taxi and asked the driver to take me on a cruise on the fish, instead of on the river cos "reka", "reba", very close.
I have been very careful not to mistake blow job - and minutes cos they're very similar.
- What, sorry? Minutes is "minut" and blow job's "minet".
Don't get those confused.
It sounds like your Russian's going great.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown baseball set.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on, Fabio.
You can do this.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean, Joe, you get the pick of the letters.
SEAN TALKS NONSENSE - .
.
please? - Yeah.
"Judip-car.
" E "Drip-dorso.
" "Juduth.
" S "Ul.
" O "Swishem.
" R "Um.
" E "Guzup.
" F "Hol.
" And a finalI.
OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bullshit.
Sean, how many? - I've only got six.
- Joe, how many? Seven.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Seven?! You got seven? - No, I got four.
- Four.
OK.
Sara, how many have you got? - Six.
- Six? OK.
And Jon? Seven, I think.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! I mean, it's not a panto.
LAUGHTER - Joe, what's your four? - TENS.
TENS? TENS, more than one .
.
ten.
Sean, your six? FRONTS Oh, lovely! OK, Sara, your six.
Mine's FEINTS, with an E.
- FEINTS with an E? - Like in boxing.
And Jon, your seven? For the points.
FORTIES Oh! Nice.
- Like my TENS.
- LAUGHTER OK, seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE - Good old Jon.
- Good old Jon.
Could they have done any better? You can have SOFTENER for eight.
- Oh, lovely.
- That's nice.
- Is that as good as it gets, Susie? - It was the best, yeah.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Does that mean I can get my Wesley? - Yeah, you can get your Wesley.
Wesley! Can you come back? Can I ask, was Wesley a bully? It might hinder me.
No, no, he's really nice.
He's 40 but not in a bad way.
Could you just point out for the viewers at home as well that his stool is higher than my chair? Just out of interest, he's grown a proper beard as well, hasn't he? Yes.
I wouldn't say it's a proper beard.
APPLAUSE - OK, so, we're picking the numbers, are we? - Yes.
- We'll go norm, please.
- Norm.
- One big? - 50 or 100 would be dynamite! Not a 75.
I'm out if it's a 75! - 5, 9, 10, 2, 4 - Oh, cock and balls! - Lovely! OK, 517 is your target and your time starts now.
Christ alive.
Urgh.
That's quite close.
- So, the target was 517.
Sara, did you get it? - No.
- Did you get distracted by that young man? - There is a smell of Lynx, yes.
- Jon was right.
- What did you get? How close? Oh, I just wrote all the numbers down.
I tell you what, he's done it for me, though.
Turns out a man you went to school with behind me really rocks me off.
Did he help you? That's good, then.
- Did you get it? - No.
- Yes.
- You did? OK, you got it.
Joe, did you get it? I think I got it, yeah.
- No, no, did you get 517 from the numbers? - I got 517, yeah.
- Sean, did you get it? - No, I got 516.
OK, Joe, how did you get it? 4+2 is 6, times 75 is 525.
- Is it? - OK, I'm out.
John.
- 9-2 is 7.
Times 75.
- 525.
- 10 over 5 is 2.
- Yeah.
Multiplied by four.
Hold on, 10 over 5, what do you mean? - And then take it - What the fuck is 10 over 5? - 10 divided by 5.
- 10 over 5.
- Well, say that! You're not allowed to divide things.
I thought you could either add them And you could do times, I didn't realise we were on dividing yet.
I didn't think - We haven't done division! - Exactly! I only even did that because I didn't want to play my joker.
- Which is what? - You know, the joker, you can have any number.
- What? - You can just swap any number.
- Can you? Yeah, so if you'd have played your joker you could have turned the two into seven and you have got it.
- What?! - And the other thing is What's worth mentioning, nines are wild in Countdown.
Joe, it's a carve up stitch up, they don't want us to win.
It doesn't suit their agenda.
It's very convenient.
- Oh, give them the fucking points.
- Yeah! OK, that's 10 points to Jon! Thank you very much.
And here is your teaser.
The words are cage nips.
The clue is get them out.
That's cage nips.
Get them out.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were CAGE NIPS, the clue was, get them out.
It was, of course, ESCAPING.
So, Jon and Sara are in the lead.
Sean, what are you What are you reading? Oh, it's just another one of these magazines I've got out at the moment.
What's the, what's the magazine? Well, you know there's a lot of consumer magazines out there.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, it's hard to know sometimes which is the right consumer magazine for you.
So, I've created What Which? Magazine.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I've just got a growing empire.
This is Tim Magazine.
It's just stuff about Tims.
Err, any Tim you could think of.
I would have said it had been a quiet year for Henman, but he's still won TIM of the Year.
Yeah, yeah, and he's Who was he up against this year? Out of interest.
Another Tim.
- Who was it, who came second in that? - Mallet.
- Brook Taylor? Timmy Mallet was in there.
There was Tim, well, it's a bit of a cheat, we got Justin Timberlake.
And then the final magazine.
Now, there's money in porn.
We all know that.
And I thought to myself, I want to provide a service which isn't provided for.
So, I created this magazine, and it's called Red Hot Sex.
It's basically, it's people with the flu have sex.
I mean, look at the state of him.
He has toto do a whole coach load of, of sick nannas.
I didn't think you were going there with it.
So, you know, it's people with the flu having sex.
What can be more fun that that? - And you managed to get Novak Djokovic.
- Yeah.
Well, he's a dirty bastard.
- Sean's magazines, everyone.
- Sean's magazines.
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS OK, they've been playing in teams so far, - but this game is just for Jon and Joe.
- Oh, crap.
Jon, your turn to choose.
- Joe, your turn to lose.
- OK.
I'll have a consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And a consonant, please.
- What was it? - D.
- Oh, I love D.
- And, a final AUDIENCE LAUGHS .
.
and a final vowel, please.
OK, and your time starts now.
Susie, Rachel, are you hungry? Hang on.
Oh.
OK, I mean OK, OK.
AUDIENCE CHEERS Jon, are youare you hungry? - Go on, then.
- OK.
AUDIENCE: Aw! AUDIENCE: Yay! Jon, how many letters? Seven.
- Joe, how many letters? - Yes, seven.
Jon, what's your seven? - UNLOVED.
- Aw.
What one did you get? - UNRAVEL.
- Uhmm.
How did I get it? I was told.
Who told you? Your brain told you.
That's how it works.
Well, you, yeah, after you wrote it there.
We need points, Joe.
Don't blow them.
We still get it.
Seven points to both teams.
Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better? - Er, UNLOADER, and Overland.
- Yeah.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Joe have seven, Jon and Sara have 24.
Right, so.
Now time for Sean and Sara to go head-to-head.
Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK.
- Yes.
- I would like one big one, and five little 'uns.
They are - OK, so your target is 555.
- 555.
Easy to remember, if you like 5s.
Your time starts now.
Just keep adding.
Just keep adding.
Did you get it, Sean? No.
- Yeah, I did.
Yeah, yeah, of course I did.
- You got it? OK.
- Sara, did you get it? - No.
Yeah, we're back in this.
Yeah, you're back in it.
Sean, talk me through it.
- How did you get it? - How did I get it? 7 times 75.
7 times 75 is 525.
3 times seven is 3 times the other 7 is 21.
Yeah, add it on.
And, what happens if you put a 9 on that? 10 points to Sean.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Sam, what have you got for us? I have some impressions that I've worked pretty hard on, so.
Oh, I said hard on.
OK, let's, let's go, let's go with this first one.
All right, let's I've really tried.
VOICEOVER: This is an impression of a man who confused going on a trip to Lego Land with a leg of lamb.
Aw.
This is an impression of a man pretending to be a little old Italian nonna who doesn't know the English word for pasta colander, or strainer.
ITALIAN ACCENT: You know the thing that's got all the holes in it, I don't know the word, the English word, it's got many holes, you put the pasta, and the pasta goes in, the water come away, you know, like where the spaghetti stay, the water go bye.
This is an impression of a man who is secretly threatened by his own sexuality whilst trying to order a croissant in a cafe.
Yeah, mate, just gis us one of those fucking buttery, flaky fuckers.
I don't know what you call it.
You know, those fucking French stuff, I'm not going to say the word for it, just make sure it's fucking melt in the mouth.
Ah, shit! This is the same man trying to order a bowl of soup.
Yeah, mate just give us a bowl of that fucking hot, wet shit.
Yeah, that one over there, I don't care how hot it is, I'm just going to chuck it at my head.
I'll get some in me cake.
What flavours have you guys got? Oh, look, you've got a volute of pumpkin! Oh, shit.
Here's that very same man violently chewing an apple in an over compensating fashion just in case anyone thought he may have any shred of femininity whatsoever.
Now, the trick to eating an apple is you just attack the apple violently like it's an enemy, you just go at it like a man, like.
MUFFLED SHOUTING Sam Simmons, everyone.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Joe have 17, Jon and Sara have 24.
And here is your teaser.
The words are SHOW PORK, the clue is, make sure you've got wood.
That's SHOW PORK, make sure you've got wood.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SHOW PORK.
The clue was, make sure you've got wood.
It was, of course, WORKSHOP.
Time for another letters round.
- Rachel, how many of these have you done? - 20,000, I think.
I've had my ten-year anniversary now.
So Ten years of shows? Well, let's celebrate.
MUSIC: Celebration by Kool & The Gang # There's a party goin' on right here A celebration to last throughout the years Oh, wow.
# So bring your good times, and your laughter too # We gonna celebrate your party with you Come on now CHEERING Rachel Riley, maths genius.
Let's have a look at some of your best bits from the last ten years.
Er, Rachel, could it be done? Er, leave it with me.
- What? Sorry? - Leave it with me.
- OK.
Can I remind everyone - that is Rachel's only job, so AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Rachel, could it be done? - Um - COUNTING TO HERSELF 4 x 25 = 100 x 5 = 500 - 75 = 425 Hold on.
4 x 25 = 100.
- Sorry, I-I was dithering then.
- Oh, sorry.
Wowsers, I thought you were the smart one.
- I just stopped listening.
- OK, er Oh! OK.
Sorry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Why's there a five and a four coming out? - A bit more exciting for me.
- If numbers CHEERING Ten years on Countdown, Rachel Riley, everyone.
CHEERING Just before we go on.
Susie, out of interest, how many years have you been on the show? 27 years? PARP! POP! We'll carry on with the game.
APPLAUSE Sean and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
Could I have a consonant, please? Yes, you can, Joe.
S Another one, please.
B A vowel.
I Consonant, please.
An H.
Er Aconsonant please.
Why do you want an H? - Er, wanted to spell SHIT.
- Ah.
A consonant, please.
C Consonant, please, until I get an H.
S Consonant, please.
Now don't be silly.
- I'm afraid of the - Don't spoil the game.
- We're going to need some vowels now.
- Vowel.
- There's rules and stuff.
- We can win this, Joe.
- Can we? - U and E.
OK, and your time starts .
.
now.
- Sara, how many letters? - Six.
Six.
Jon, how many letters? Er, Seven.
Joe, how many letters? Three.
Well done.
- Sean, how many letters? - Six.
Six? OK, Joe, what is your three-letter word? SI Sean, your six? - TRIBES.
- TRIBES? Sara? So, the thing is, I've got a six I trust, I've got an eight I don't trust.
- Go for the eight.
- Do you reckon? A bit of excitement.
OK, Jon.
what was your seven? Well, you should have got this after your magazines.
BUSTIER - SARA: Lovely.
- Dirty little - Urgh! JOE: Is that where your mind goes? Sara your eight, your risky eight.
My risky eight, I wrote CRUSTIES, like old people.
Is it in there, Susie? It is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I got it! CRUSTIES.
OK, Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, ric RICTUSES.
Yes, rictus grin.
What is RICTUSES? You can have a rictus grimace.
Look at Jimmy - it's the kind of fixed grin.
OK, so eight points to Sara.
- Whoo! - CHEERING OK, time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
Sam Simmons, what have you got for us? So, it's a karaoke song about a song you'd know about fingers.
That make sense? Let's go.
IN THE STYLE OF: Life On Mars by David Bowie # They're for feeling the things you want # Getting service in a restaurant Or high-fiving this guy right here Yeah.
# Or scratching your itchy ear # They're for hailing a taxi cab # Or for picking an elbow scab # Or touching a random man here on the head # Randomly touching men with my # FINGERS Pointing at a seagull Go away.
# FINGERS # Help you eat a sausage roll # But mine can't play guitar # Why can't you play the guita-a-a-a-a-a-ar?! # They can pull apart chicken wings # Point at pictures of old Beijing # You can use them to pat a cat # Or for pinching your belly fat # Place a pancake on rabbits' heads # Oh, here's some Irish soda bread # You can use them to wave goodbye # Stick your fucken finger in your eye # I'm sick of pointing out all the things # You can do with your fingy-fings # Like these fingers with burger rings # Here's some potatoes # FINGERS # Touching other fingers # FINGERS # Fingering a finger hole These fingers think they're a horse Stop it.
No, I'm not doing any more.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
That was lovely.
And you could also hear, if you listened closely, David Bowie turning in his grave.
The scores at the moment - Sean and Joe have 17, Jon and Sara have 32.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are LUBE KITS.
The clue is, the bigger the better.
That's LUBE KITS, the bigger the better.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser - the words were LUBE KITS, the clue was the bigger the better.
It was of course BULKIEST.
OK, time for our final letters game, Jon, - and Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
- Please.
Right, thank you very much.
Can I have a consonant please? Thank you, Sara.
- - Can I have a vowel? You can have an A.
Can I have two consonants? N L A vowel.
I - Oh, its going to spell tanlight.
- A consonant.
P Another consonant.
S LAUGHTER Why is this so funny? A vowel.
A Another consonant please.
And, the last one C LAUGHTER Why is this so funny? OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
- How many? - I got eight.
What now? Another eight? - Yes.
- You are killing it.
- Jon, how many? - Eight.
- Joe? - A risky five.
- A risky five? - Yeah.
- Sean? - I've got eight.
- OK, Joe, what's your five? Oh, there's one - CLIPS.
CLIPS.
OK.
Sean, what's your eight? CAPITALS.
- CAPITALS.
- Very nice.
- Sara, what's your eight? - CAPTAINS.
- OK, and Jon? - I also got CAPTAINS.
8 points to both teams.
Pretty good.
Sam, Susie could they have done any better? Er, no, eight was the best that we could do, as a medical term APLASTIC as well for eight, meaning, it's describing the organs that don't function properly.
OK, so Sean and Joe have 25, Jon and Sara have 40.
40 wow, pretty good.
Nice scoring.
OK, fingers on buzzers, this time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time starts now.
BUZZER BELL Come in.
- Can I go first? - Yeah.
- I've just seen the word DRAGON in there.
- Yeah.
You'll kick yourself, cos the answer's actually PETDRAGON.
Oh, well played.
- I'm going to restart the clock.
- Can I get some points for DRAGON? - No.
- We're restarting the clock.
I seriously don't get a point for DRAGON? I would love to help, but I'm going to restart the clock.
I'm out, I only see DRAGON.
DANGERTOP.
What you put on if you're going on a risky sort of adventure.
- It's GODPARENT.
- It's what, what was that? GODPARENT.
I heard Sara say it.
I thought I'd ruin it for her.
Let's see if Sara's right.
How are you supposed to see that? Sara got it, that means the final scores are Sean and Joe have 25, Jon and Sara have 50.
Congratulations, Jon and Sara, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown Baseball Set.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.