American Dad s18e03 Episode Script

1
♪♪
♪♪
[ALARM RINGING]
♪♪
[LAUGHTER]
There's our distraction.
[BOTH SMOOCHING]
Finally!
Whoa.
Hey! It's not supposed to distract us.
♪♪
♪♪
Oh, my God, we did it! We're free!
That tunnel you burrowed was crazy!
We were up and down and up and down.
That's 'cause I modeled it on that game
"Chutes and Ladders."
Oh, that game's impossible.
Let's get out of here!
♪♪
The convicts are armed and dangerous,
but whatever.
Let's get to the only
escape anyone cares about
An adorable baby giraffe
snuck out of the zoo!
TOGETHER: Aww!
If you see the wittle
giwaffe awound town,
pwease contact the zoo immediatwee.
That poor little baby!
I'll tell you what I won't
be doing if I see it
contacting the zoo.
I'd show that giraffe
the night of its life
before it's hauled back
to captivity forever.
That
actually makes sense.
- Yeah, screw the zoo.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Great. We all agree.
Now, you know what else would be great?
A theme song.
- Oh, right, right, right.
- Mm. Oh, yeah.
Eh, I don't know.
♪♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- Good ♪
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪♪
I love spirit week!
I'm literally bursting
with school pride.
At least I hope that's what this is.
[GROWLING]
What better way to honor our school
than a "teachers hall of fame."
Show everyone the greats
who made Pearl Bailey
the amazing school it is today.
On premium library real estate no less.
How'd you lock that up, Stevie, baby?
The library has extra space
'cause principal Lewis
destroyed most of the books
when he and his buddies were
playing flamethrower tag.
Rest in peace, buddies.
We're close. Let's test it out.
I'm Mr. D'Angelo.
I was the first teacher to say,
"talk amongst yourselves,"
and leave for the rest of the day.
If I know our peers,
they're gonna love this.
[RUMBLING]
Spirit week, bitches!
[SCREAMING]
[ DISTORTED] Isosceleeeees
Can you believe I'm just
now discovering the magic
of mixing mentos and diet coke together?
I'm testing out recipes
for a badass foam show
on the football field.
Our robots are ruined!
Pfft.
You wanna see ruined robots,
let me have 'em for the night.
Spirit week!
Ugh, this is gonna take forever to fix.
SNOT: What's the point, Steve?
As long as that madman
Lewis is in charge,
this school is screwed.
He ruins everything.
Sorry, Steve. I'm out, too.
All this "spirit week"
talk is just too scary for me.
Reminds me of ghosts.
Damn it!
Hey, where'd your friends go?
Please sit. I've got a lot to explain.
You're the lawyer for all the
school bus drivers, right?
No, I'm a kid
here to file a formal complaint.
Against principal Lewis.
Ah, yes, yes, a kid.
You realize how serious this is?
I do, but I love Pearl Bailey,
and principal Lewis is
a destructive menace
who doesn't care about the school.
He ruined my spirit week project,
he hired his cousin
Dale as a school nurse,
and all he does is smoke cigarettes,
plus, Lewis taught a group of crows
to attack anyone with
a rolling backpack.
Legally I can't admit fault of any kind,
as you know, being a kid lawyer and all.
Well, you have to do something!
This is a formal complaint.
Fine. I'll open an investigation.
Hey, before I get
into this school bus fiasco,
let me ask you something
What's the fastest
you'd feel comfortable
being thrown from a school bus?
I'm looking for a number over 70.
♪♪
No, reach higher, Jeff!
I need the big juicy ones.
You guys want my apple salsa
to be good, right?
We do.
Just grab the big juicy ones, Jeff!
No, higher, Jeff!
The big juicy ones!
[DISTORTED SHOUTING]
Ahh!
[DISTORTED SHOUTING]
[DISTORTED TALKING]
[DISTORTED TALKING]
[DISTORTED CONVERSATION]
[DISTORTED TALKING]
[DISTORTED SHOUTING]
Was it worth it, Jeff?!
Disrespecting me to pet a giraffe?
♪♪
I'll bet you guys never had
to sneak in at night to
avoid an insane principal.
Yeah, you legends were probably too busy
to come in at night anyway.
VIP-ing your way around town,
banging everything with a heartbeat.
Would you just come on?
Gotta hide for a second.
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
Yeah. Here they are,
the blueprints to the school.
Not really sure why late-night
copy machine repairmen
would need these, but
Perfect.
These'll show us the structural points
where we need to plant the dynamite
to blow this school to smithereens.
- [GASPS]
- [GROANS]
[WEAKLY] All. Clean.
[COUGHS]
Alright, we got the blueprints.
But we still have a huge problem.
Where are we gonna unroll them?
How 'bout the table
by them robots, boss?
Good eye.
You know, one day
humans are gonna only sex
each other through robots.
How do you know that?
Because my aunt used to say it
whenever we went to Chuck E. Cheese.
Okay, let's hit here, here, and here,
and we'll start with the boiler room.
Come on. Let's get started.
I'm gonna take my class
to the old classroom ♪
- I'm gonna teach ♪
- Oh, my, God, they work!
- Till I can't no more ♪
- Shit.
I'm gonna take my class ♪
One of the robots is
making a break for it!
That's a kid.
Toad-Button, you go after him.
We'll start planting the bombs.
Thank goodness I wore my brand-new
Skerchers superspeeders.
ANNOUNCER: That's right, dadders!
Steve wears the brand-new
Skerchers superspeeders
by Skerchers Sneakers.
Now with real rubber.
Aah!
If you're gonna kill me,
pass along my funeral
requests to my friend Snot.
Tell him
open casket, eyes wide, huge smile.
Oh, thank God, it's you.
You're too kind, Steve.
I wish everyone was as happy
to have me around as you.
I guess someone formally
complained about me.
The superintendent wants to
meet with me in the morning.
I'm as good as gone.
Just grabbing my most
important stuff in case
I'm not allowed back on the premises.
Gosh, that's terrible
about the investigation.
Did I say "investigation"?
Some guys broke in,
and they're gonna blow up the school!
Let 'em! Screw this place!
Oh, man, I love it here!
This'll be a great talk for later.
They're looking for me. We gotta go!
It's not fair!
I just finally fundraised enough money
to trick out my office.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
You lovin' these hydraulics?!
[GUNSHOTS]
You didn't mention the guys
with bombs had guns, too!
Bullets are my kryptonite!
Follow me.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
♪♪
You're lucky you're with me.
No one knows this school like I do.
I should call the police.
Damn, no service down here.
Oh, God forbid a kid goes five
minutes without his phone.
I'm trying to save the school!
I can't believe my fate's
in your crazy-ass hands.
They're so crazy, they just might work.
Hey, they worked!
So?
How pimp is this place!
It's uh, great. Where's the exit?
Nowhere. We kick back
and wait it out here
until this blows over.
"Wait it out"?!
What if they find us?
And what about the school blowing up?!
We're fine. This is my panic room,
and it's bombproof.
Designed it myself.
Even built the fireplace.
Briiick.
Just relax, Smith.
Can I get you a drink?
Are you a Brandy kid?
Oh, hey, you mind taking your shoes off?
You destroyed the library with foam
and you want me to take off my shoes?
This is such bullshit.
Look at all the work you did down here,
but you can't be bothered to
care about the actual school.
Smith, I do my job better than anybody.
And whoever reported me
to the superintendent
- got it as wrong as you.
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
Aah! Toad-Button found us!
Did you say
Toad-Button?
Yeah, what a stupid name.
Well, could be cute on the right guy.
Is this who was chasing you?
That's him!
Damn, he's aged very well.
Everything always works
out for the bad boys.
I should've known they'd be back.
Of course they're your former students.
You've been terrorizing
kids for 30 years.
[SIGHS] Man, '94 was a hell of a class.
- Those kids could dress.
- [POUNDING CONTINUES]
This place is bombproof, huh?
What do we do?!
Oh, people got so hammered at that prom.
At least I did.
The chimney's our only way out!
Yes. Into the Christmas tunnel.
[POUNDING CONTINUES]
The gym?
Dang, I got something in my eye.
Do you see anything?
Aah!
[DEVICE BEEPING]
Why would you build a
chimney into another room?
[WHISPERING] I only
had this many bricks.
[WHISPERING] This is why all our
gym teachers have lung disease.
Well, no one seemed to mind when
it smoked out all the pigeons.
Yep, those are Toad-Button's buddies.
Yeah, it's beautiful
they stayed in touch,
but how are we getting out of here?
Don't worry.
There's gotta be something in my bag
that can help us.
Useful, useful, useful
but not for this.
A cord?
I don't remember packing a
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
Did you hear something?
I've heard that the dry-cleaning
business will eat you alive
if you don't have the right mentor.
Hmm, I'm not sure that's what it was.
But maybe.
We can get out there!
Okay, that's the last of the explosives.
Now we just wait until
that bastard Lewis
shows up in the morning
so he can watch it happen.
Are you flirting with me, Smith?
No! I'm flirting with death,
and it sounds like they're
here because of you.
Pft. That's why I'm here.
♪♪
Play it cool.
We are six non-giraffes
looking for a place to eat.
Right this way.
[DISTORTED TALKING]
[DISTORTED TALKING]
[DISTORTED SINGING TO THE TUNE OF
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[SCREECHING]
We should go.
My brother-in-law is
upset because he prefers
the Stevie Wonder version of
"Happy Birthday."
We'll obviously be
paying for none of this
and taking it all to go.
And toss a couple
White Russians in here.
Uhh, it feels so good to
talk at full volume again!
[LOUDLY] La la la ♪
[WHISPERING] Shut up!
We're almost home free.
Just gotta figure out how to get down.
I got us covered.
Wow, two inflatable
grim reapers made the cut.
- Grims.
- What?
Grims reaper.
It's the same as "brothers-in-law."
I have two grims reaper.
I'm sorry to nitpick.
That's just one of my
biggest pets peeve.
Okay, so what now?
Climb on.
I'll puncture it, and it'll deflate,
sinking you down to the ground,
where you can run to safety.
That's actually a great idea.
Wait, just me?
This is where we part ways, Smith.
I'm their principal, and I think
I can still get through to
them before it's too late.
But you're not their principal anymore.
Being a principal is like
being a murderer, Smith
you carry that label forever.
Forget about them. They hate you.
So? I saved you, didn't I?
And you're the one who reported
me to the superintendent.
You you knew that?
And you've still been helping me?
Of course I have. I'm your principal.
And whether you approve of my style
or not, I take my role very seriously.
Now I've got students to get through to.
Aah! Toad-Button!
You startled me.
Nice to see you again, principal Lewis.
Heyyyy.
Principal Lewis, I've decided
that I can't leave you here alone.
Y'know, I see you're a big
fan of pistol-whipping.
But you know what knocks me out?
Bebop jazz.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
♪♪
We thought we were gonna have to wait
until morning for you to show up,
but I should've known
you'd be here, working late.
I wasn't working. I swear!
Those days are behind me!
I-I can vouch for that.
Yeah, right.
Now you're gonna watch us
destroy your precious school,
just like you destroyed our lives.
Guys, you can't.
You do something this big
and leave two eyewitnesses,
you're gonna get caught.
Then maybe we don't leave any witnesses.
[SOBBING]
Look, I know I ruined your lives,
but let me help you now.
I got a guy in Mexico who can
set you up with new identities.
Plus he works at the Hilton pool.
You can swim, get some sun.
Those amazing rolled-up towels.
Mm, huh? Mm?
Don't listen, boss.
He'll say anything to
save his beloved school.
I'm sorry. Beloved school?
Working late?
Are we talking about the
same principal Lewis?
This guy disbanded the
school chorus because
he was afraid the singing might
"attract sasquatches."
I don't know what he's
been up to recently, kid.
We've been in jail.
But how about we tell you
our experience with Lewis?
Okay, so back in the early '90s
Sorry, Toadie.
I know I said "we," but I got this.
So back when we were in school
TOAD-BUTTON: Was it not the early '90s?
I feel like that helps.
Yes, okay, back in the early '90s,
we used to struggle as students,
but Lewis saw our potential
and was determined to
get the most out of us.
Aww, Jerry. Gimme a hug.
I'm obviously not finished!
But no matter how well we did,
nothing was ever good
enough for this guy.
Eventually we couldn't take
it anymore and snapped.
We dropped out,
started getting into trouble,
and wound up in jail.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
All because of him.
- In the early '90s.
- [SIGHS]
That's right, Steve.
I used to try to get the
most out of my students.
I used to be
a bad principal.
I don't follow.
You see, the problem was,
I was acting like a strict parent,
when all these kids already had parents.
Actually I lost both my parents.
It was just too much pressure.
What they needed was a friend.
It's not princi-parent. It's princi-pal.
So I became the most fun pal I could be.
And, yes, over the years
that may have drifted
into [BLEEP] up uncle territory,
but the results speak for themselves
The only time kids go to jail anymore
is when they're there visiting me.
Wow.
So all this time
I thought you were nuts
I was right.
It was a car accident,
in case anybody's interested.
We were born to be ♪
Alive ♪
We were born to be ♪
Alive ♪
Born ♪
Born to be alive ♪
Born to be alive ♪
You see, we're born ♪
Born ♪
Born ♪
You see, we're born ♪
Born ♪
Born to be alive ♪
Born to be alive ♪
You know what's ironic?
We were doing all this for the giraffe,
but I think he showed us
the night of our lives.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Whoa, a giraffe!
Looks like y'all had a crazy night.
Yeah, but I guess he has
to go back to the zoo now.
Wait.
I might have an idea that'll
keep him out of the zoo forever.
Please!
You gotta believe me!
I'm not a baby giraffe!
I'm a human man!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you and every other animal in this zoo.
Don't worry, babe! We'll be back!
I got an annual pass.
Guys, if you wanna destroy the school,
just leave this man in charge.
He will eventually do it, I guarantee.
And your hands'll be clean.
Enough stalling.
Any last requests before
your school goes sky-high?
How about we raise a final
toast to old Pearl Bailey?
With what beverage?
With the champagne of colas,
diet coke.
He's trying to kill himself
before we blow up the school.
That's enough.
Stop!
[BELCHES]
- Ah, gross!
- Ugh!
This is just sad.
Please blow up the school.
We deserve it at this point.
Sorry. I meant to do this.
Um, is he flirting with me?
[BELCHES]
- Oh!
- Ooh!
There is no way he meant to do that.
- [LAUGHING]
-
He may not be perfect,
but he really does care.
I know his old students
tried to blow up the school,
but his current students just complain.
I think he's moving in
the right direction here.
Thanks, Steve.
I guess it's kind of
like Steinbeck says
"Now that I'm not asking you to
be perfect, you can be good."
See? He knows Steinbeck.
Of course I know Sherm Steinbeck!
You're not gonna find a
better amateur dentist
than that guy.
Alright, we'll let
Mr. Lewis off with a warning.
So what happened to
those convicts anyway?
Back to prison, I assume?
Y'know, as their principal,
I just didn't think more prison time
was the answer for those kids.
Here are the passports
for your new identities.
Hop in. I already
picked up my other client,
so next stop's Mexico.
♪♪
Bye! Have a beautiful time!