Live at The Apollo (2004) s18e03 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your host for tonight,
Lou Sanders!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Ah!
Welcome to Live at the Apollo.
Oh, thank you
so much for coming out.
It's so funny cos
they say never meet your heroes,
and yet here you all are.
CHEERING
No, sometimes I'm an audience
member, just like you,
so we've got so much in common.
I've just come back
from a festival, an arts festival.
You've got to support the arts.
And I did a couple of shows
but I saw loads of shows, right,
and the best thing that I saw,
at the end of a show,
this man gives a standing ovation.
And everyone else looks at him,
as they think about the show
they've just seen, and think,
"Are you off your head?"
And I laughed so much, even though
it was my show that he was in.
So, I've brought some chat-up lines
so we can get to know each other
a bit better.
CHEERING
You're very kind. Um, OK.
Sir, would you like a chat-up line?
Yes, OK.
Hey, is that a meal deal
in your pocket?
Cos either way,
I'm gobbling you up at the services.
LAUGHTER
OK, nice lady there,
would you like a chat-up line?
Sure, go on. Sure. OK.
Here we go.
Are you talking to me
or buying cheap toilet roll?
Cos either way, you're
going to have a sore perineum.
LAUGHTER
Love this stuff.
And then I've got a cute one,
cos I didn't want you to think
I was a sort of one-trick-pony.
So this is a bit of a sweet one.
This is just a cute
Would you like a chat-up line?
Yeah? OK.
This is a very sweet one.
Would you like to see a magic trick?
Sure.
I can make your penis
disappear in my mouth.
AWKWARD LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS
Sometimes I think I'm shy,
and then
Seriously, sometimes, I am shy,
and then I remember that,
I'm not on any dating websites now
but about six months ago,
I was on this bougie dating website
and I emailed them to tell them
that I thought it was broken,
cos I wasn't getting enough matches.
How embarrassing.
They didn't even email back,
so the proof's in the pudding!
How embarrassing is that?
I was like, "Check your algorithms,
"cos I keep getting sent weirdos,
and not enough of them!"
That's a memento for you.
You can have that.
Fetch it.
Any men in?
MEN CHEER
I'm an ally.
LAUGHTER
Any single women in?
WOMEN CHEER
Yes! Cos I want
to talk about my cats.
LAUGHTER
I've got two cats,
they're the loves of my life,
I love them so much. They're
brothers, and, oh, I love them!
But I have given
them really stupid names.
So, they're called Bobert and Baby.
It's awful.
And my friend came round, right,
and he was shouting for Bobert
to come in from the garden.
He was like, "Bobert, Bobert,"
and I swear to God,
a man with a push-bike went
up to the fence
and said, "Yes, I'm Robert."
So now I live with two cats
and a man called Robert.
The other one's called Baby.
That's the one with the tricky name,
Baby, because everyone's like,
"Oh, you got a cat and named it
Baby, cos you want to have a baby."
OK, Freud!
Why didn't I name the other
one "My Netflix Special"?
I think, actually, they're right.
I think I do want a baby.
What are you doing
after the show?
No, I think I do want a baby.
I think I could push one out, um
But I think we should all adopt,
you know,
because we're always banging on
about recycling.
But if there's
women in the audience, right,
and you don't know if you want
a baby, this is what you do -
just set the alarm every
two hours through the night
and then, just wake up
and slam your tits into a drawer.
Just to check
if the lifestyle's for you.
I'm trying to do work on myself.
I'm not the worst person I know,
but I did google to see
whether you can get PTSD
from your own personality.
And then I didn't
stick about for the results,
but, um, no, I do yoga a lot.
Sorry, you've got eyes.
Do it once a year.
But I can't understand people
that don't do any
work on themselves, right?
I've got a friend, he does no
work on himself.
He's a mess.
He's really awful, actually.
He's the type of guy, he's like,
"Oh, I just keep hurting women."
You're like, "Yeah, cos you
compulsively lie to everyone."
Like, he's a beast.
Sort of guy who'd never go out
with me because I'm too old for him,
even though I'm way
younger than him.
I'm stalling slightly
cos I want to tell you who it is,
but my healer, um - thank you -
um, sorry, one of my healers,
said that you can't gossip,
but she lives in France.
Shall I tell you who it is?
Shall I? Fuck it.
My friend is Prince Andrew
Why aren't paedophiles more
worried about nits?
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
I think it's cos a lot of them
are bald.
Sorry, I really hate to,
like, offend any paedophiles.
I hate being divisive.
I hate being like,
"Oh, paedophiles are bald."
Obviously that's so stupid,
cos a lot of them
wear those little ponytails.
I went to the doctor recently cos
I thought I had a problem
with my womb and turns out
it's all tickety-boo in there.
You must visit.
Five stars on TripAdvisor.
No, I did go to the doctor.
I thought I had
polycystic ovaries, right,
and the doctor, she said she'd
book me in for a scan,
and the scan was in about a month's
time. So, in the meantime,
I thought, "Well, just get a second
opinion from one of my healers."
You've got to be true to yourself.
And this woman,
she made it feel better, actually,
so the joke's on you.
She did some work around the area
and I felt loads better, and I went
back to the doctor and I said,
"I don't need the scan any more,"
and the doctor said, "Why's that?"
And I said, "Well, cos my healer's
done some work on the area,
"and it's worth noting that she did
see a black crow flying
"out of the area when she was done."
And my doctor said,
"Would you like me to refer
you to the mental health team?"
I do like alternative health
and stuff,
but I also think medicine's
quite cool.
Like, I think there's room
for everything.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, if I broke my leg,
I'm not wafting an incense
stick over it.
Not again!
But also, get this, right?
I know this woman who cured
herself from stage 4 cancer.
This is ten years ago.
She's fine now.
She cured herself from
stage 4 cancer using acupuncture.
Isn't that amazing?
And chemotherapy.
So, you know,
there's room for everything,
that's what I'm saying.
I'm going to tell you
this story now,
which marries the woo-woo
with the medical world,
and it does get quite dark
in the middle but it has got
a happy ending, so try not to be
a little bitch about it, OK?
And also, the story was so long ago
that I think now everyone's
passed away just through
Mother Time, so that's good news.
OK, so, what it is,
the background is,
when people have got an
organ transplant,
sometimes they can take on
mannerisms of the donor, right?
And it's especially prevalent with
heart transplants.
So, people have woken up
and they've fancied chicken and beer
when they didn't have it before.
There's bigger examples.
Hobbies, I don't know, stuff.
Anyway, it's a true story and it's
called cellular memory, OK?
So, that's the background.
Now, there was a story
once of this ten-year-old girl
and she got a new
heart from this 12-year-old girl.
Don't think too
much about the 12-year-old, OK?
Comedy!
But the ten-year-old's got a new
heart, so that's happy days, right?
Apart from, then she keeps having
these nightmares about being,
weirdly, stabbed to death. And
so her mum was worried about her,
took her to a psychiatrist.
She recounted these
nightmares to the psychiatrist,
and the psychiatrist said,
"This girl is recounting a
true-life event,"
and the mum said, "Well, no, she's
not, because she's not been,"
and here's that sentence again,
"stabbed to death."
Um
You've got to have a catchphrase.
Anyway, the nightmares continued.
In the end, they tracked down
the donor's family
and they go and see them.
You know, they say thanks for the
heart and everything, I imagine.
Be rude not to, wouldn't it?
And the donor's parents are
listening about these nightmares,
and then they say -
you won't believe this,
here's where it gets weird -
they say, "Our daughter was"
And, unfortunately, it is that
sentence again
in the worst possible way.
Say it with me if you want,
"stabbed to death." Yeah. And
Felt good, actually. And, um
The dreams,
or the nightmares, I should say,
had so much details in that matched
up with the actual event,
they went to the police and
they told the police
all about the nightmares and all
the details, and then, because it
was so detailed, they managed to
arrest and put away the killer.
CHEERING
That story is so profound,
I don't want to cheapen it with
any further research!
My friend Justine, she's great,
but she, um
My friend Justine keeps trying to
set me up with men, right?
And we're all God's children
but some of them aren't a very good
match, right?
The last one, Justine was like,
"Babe, honestly,
I've found your soulmate.
"You're not going to believe this.
He's your literal soulmate."
I looked up his profile picture,
and this is no disrespect to him,
but he had a twiddly moustache,
a three-piece suit
and he's on a penny-farthing.
My dream man.
So, what I've done is written
a list of my dream man,
and this bit's mainly for Justine.
It's mixed messages cos
I'm keeping it in my cleavage.
OK.
This is my dream man.
He's got to know his way around
a skateboard and an ironing board.
Am I right, ladies?
He's a model, so we can relate
to each other, job-wise.
Talking about the modelling.
He's got curly hair and he doesn't
even use product in it,
and he goes to the bathroom to
remove the cum from his stomach.
And he does cum.
Oh, boy, does he cum!
"Pass the cum bucket,"
we laugh to each other.
He's very kind and he volunteers at
a soup kitchen at Christmas,
so I don't have to spend time
with his family.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Someone can keep that.
It's funny getting in a relat
I can't imag How does anyone
get in a relationship?
Like, because you've got to trust
that person and they've got
to trust you, and every element of
it is, you know, wow.
Like, for example, I don't know
if you heard this as well,
but I heard on the radio the other
day that STDs were spreading,
and I thought,
"Yeah, you're telling me.
"It's spread all round
to my arsehole!"
LAUGHTER
Make my mother proud,
you know what I mean?
She's at the gardening club.
I'm on the telly and, um
Sometimes I talk
about puerile stuff,
but sometimes, I talk about stuff
that seems puerile
but it has actually got
a social-political point, OK?
And every time I do stand-up on TV,
which is not enough times as far as
I'm concerned,
but every single time I try and talk
about this one topic, and every
single time that's the thing that
gets absolutely binned straightaway.
And I think the powers that be
sort of feel like, you know,
people don't want to hear about
that, you know?
And I say, let the people decide.
So, I've got one of the labias
that hangs down
..and it's a beautiful piece.
More to love. Live, laugh, labia.
But I just want to tell on TV
the story about
when I got it trapped in a lift.
It's not that big.
It's a beautiful piece.
But I think some
people like the idea of a vagine
..but, you know, as a concept,
or draped over something
or sort of curated, you know?
But then when a woman talks about
her own vagine
in a more biological way -
therefore taking ownership of it -
people are like,
"Ugh, calm down, love. No, thanks."
And I think everyone just
needs to relax.
It's not like I'm trying
to get the old girl out on TV.
I did have those discussion and
they were shut down fairly quickly.
In my mind, it's because they
thought the people at the back
wouldn't be able to see, but with
mine, actually, they might, so
But it's funny what people get
squeamish about,
because I went to this thing, right,
and there was a woman there.
I went to this party
and there was a woman there,
and she had a lovely dress on but
the side was kind of, um,
quite sort of cut out,
so you could see quite a lot.
I mean, she looked lovely, right,
and everyone was like,
"Oh, who's that lovely
French woman?"
And I guess what I'm saying is,
it's one rule for side boob
and another rule for side labia.
But I think it's important to
talk about, right?
I used to talk about it in a show
and I had merch made and everything.
Live, laugh, labia.
No, it was "Vote Labia".
But I think it's nice to talk about
because I want young girls
to feel good about their body,
so if we sort of, you know,
celebrate different body shapes
and sizes,
or at least accept them,
I think it's good for young women.
Like, I want them to know
that I've never had any complaints.
You know, it's rude to talk
with your mouth full, isn't it?
But I think porn
has ruined everything, right?
And in porn,
it's all the tucked up ones.
I've got to stop doing that,
I suppose.
I don't know, I think porn has
ruined everything,
and then, young girls -
OK, true story -
young girls are getting
labiaplasties,
which is a needless cosmetic
operation
which is actually really dangerous.
So, lots of young girls
feel disgusting about their body
cos of porn, so they're getting
operations to tuck it back in.
"Tuck it back in."
That doesn't sound right, does it?
They're getting an operation to make
it look, I don't know,
like it does in porn, I suppose.
And I think it's important
to talk about.
When I used to
talk about this in a show,
I would have women sometimes coming
up to me with tears in their eyes,
and that is so important, cos
it's more merch that I can sell.
My stepdad used to be a sexist,
and once went round
and he said, "Oh, I've
stopped buying the Observer."
"I was like,
"Oh, right, why's that?"
And he said,
"Well, it's full of women."
Then he took me through
the magazine, right,
and he ignored all the men -
and there were more men
cos I counted afterwards,
I'm a little bit petty -
and he just took me through,
pointing out the women,
getting more and more angry.
So, he would go, "Look, woman!
"Woman!
"Oh, another woman."
Which is so bizarre,
cos when we found a load
of magazines of his in the loft
LOUD LAUGHTER
He's dead now.
He is. And it's very sad
cos I loved him very, very much,
and also, of course, he gave me
so much material, so double whammy.
But we're all going to
have people close to us die, OK,
and what I'm interested in is
the cracks of light
that appear in the darkness, right?
And one happened very soon
after his death.
So, he died in the early
hours of Father's Day, and, um
Saved a bit on the present,
actually.
And I put a picture of me
and him on Instagram,
and my friend, er,
Katherine Ryan -
not a name drop,
but you need to know
No, but you need to know who she is.
You need to know it's her because,
like, she's busy, right,
but she's online a lot.
So she's seen this picture,
and underneath the picture I wrote
an obituary for him, you know,
"Going to miss this guy," you know,
a bit about his life and death.
And Katherine Ryan saw it,
must have thought,
"That's gone in the feed
of Father's Day pictures,"
didn't check and wrote
"hot" underneath.
And it made me laugh so much.
And I texted her and I said, "Do you
mind if I talk about that onstage?"
because it's the first thing
that sort of, you know,
cheered me up, and she said
Because I said to her,
you know, my stepdad passed away,
and let her know.
And she said, "Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry for your loss,
"cos he was really hot."
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look, we've got
two amazing acts for you,
so go mad, go crazy,
as if we're living in America.
And please welcome to the stage
the wonderful Celya AB!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Hello, Apollo.
Nice to meet you.
My name is Celya AB.
I'm from Paris.
That's correct.
WHOOPING
I did a really quirky thing,
when, in 2014,
I moved from Paris to Birmingham.
Willingly.
A lot of people wonder, why would
you do this to yourself?
And I'll answer, "Don't worry.
"It's because on day one
I saw the funniest thing I've
"seen in my entire life."
It was a really drunk man,
New Street Station, scooched over,
singing Oasis, She's Electric
..to a vending machine.
LAUGHTER
I moved to London now, though,
cos I was tired of feeling
attractive, so it's good
It's good to be humbled.
I'm going to talk a bit
about you guys.
I think it's crazy
that the English went
from colonising the entire
world - naughty! -
to saying things like,
"Sorry, can I squeeze past?"
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What happened to you?
Went from pillaging the entire
planet to, now, if an alcoholic
drink is a bit more sweet than
a normal alcoholic drink you've
had in your life before, you'll all
say, "Ooh, that is dangerous."
I defy all the French stereotypes
you've seen in your life before.
I don't come from a lot of money
but it's just a different
class system in France.
Like, here, it's working-class
and in France it's like Les Mis,
we sing songs, it's lovely.
So I had to learn about the class
system when I moved here,
and this is how I learnt about it.
Once, I saw a fight in Aldi.
But then I went to M&S and there,
I saw a duel.
So, it's different, isn't it?
I wanted to fit in when I moved
here, I did, so I got myself
an office job. That's the best way
to understand this country.
If you've never worked in a British
office, picture this.
Wall-to-wall people wearing beige
talking about lunch all day.
All day around the UK,
it's just symphony of,
"What are you going
to have for your lunch?"
"I'm going to have a jacket."
"I'm going to have a jacket
with no butter, no salt.
"Don't cook it
"..cos I'm being good."
That's the kind of chat you
have in office work,
cos you can't be yourself. Imagine.
It's all about escapism,
working in an office.
It's all about escapism,
and I know this cos we all do that
thing where we put a picture
in the background of our computer
of a beach,
in the Bahamas.
Now, I've been to the Bahamas a
couple of years ago, I'm very lucky,
and you'll never believe it
because their backgrounds
..various offices in Coventry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But I can't talk about that now.
I'm a single woman.
Bisexual. Single twice. Unfair.
It's hard.
I'm struggling to
meet people in this country
because the way you meet people is
you have a one-night stand
and then you just crack on.
And I'm not really
good at one-night stands.
Like once, I did it in November and
I had to stop him halfway through,
right, when I realised that
it was November
and he wasn't wearing a poppy,
and that's just disgusting.
I said, "You don't look like
you're reminiscing."
I'm a romantic, that's my problem.
I love romance.
Oh, I want to be in a relationship.
I want to try edible pants.
You can't edible solo,
they don't let you.
I'm absolutely fascinated by them,
here's why -
it must be someone's job to keep
edible pants
from being too delicious
..because
they've got to be OK in context,
but there's a team of scientists
that's working day in, day out,
to make sure that none of us
start craving them.
I struggle being single.
I'm a pick-me girl.
Do you guys know what that is?
A pick-me girl is a type of woman
who's like, "Me?"
SHE GIGGLES
"I'm not like the other girls.
"Why? Cos I like live music.
Shackle me."
I do like live music.
Like, sometimes I wonder
if anyone has gone to see the band
Placebo thinking it was The Cure,
so I do think about that stuff.
Thank you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Love live music.
I went to see ABBA Voyage.
CHEERING
Have you guys seen it?
ABBA Voyage, if you haven't seen it,
it's incredible. It's ABBA.
They've got holograms now,
but just before going into
ABBA Voyage,
I found out a little bit of
industry goss
and I'm going to share it with you
cos I was pissed off.
ABBA, the band,
they're not even dead.
LAUGHTER
And they've got holograms.
You can't have holograms
if you're alive.
Hey, ABBA, go to work.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ABBA Voyage is amazing. From start
to finish, it's them at their best.
They were 28 years old when
they recorded it.
Start to finish, them at
their best - a bit like this.
So, ABBA Voyage,
at the end of ABBA Voyage,
sometimes the real ABBA,
they come out.
But the problem is that,
at this point in your life,
you've only known them as
hot 28-year-olds.
So when 76-year-old ABBA comes out,
it doesn't look good.
It doesn't look like them.
It looks like their parents have
come to pick them up.
I am a pick-me girl. I lie about my
interests constantly, I do.
My new thing now is
I pretend to like football.
Now I want to like football,
I really do.
I really respect it as a sport.
My problem is
too much of it has happened
..and no-one will let me catch up.
Like, everyone needs to
stop playing for five years,
and then I'll start casual,
season one
..episode one.
Now, the real reason I'm trying to
get into football
is because, basically,
I met this guy.
WHOOPING
Thank you.
And, um Oh, my God.
So, he told me
that hecould've
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you guys know him?
That's weird.
He does have a lot of friends.
He said he could've
..gone professional.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But then, and this is so sad
LAUGHTER
..just before the trials
..he
..he didn't have the skills.
He didn't have the skills, the work
ethic or the natural talent.
So close.
No, of course, he did his knee.
Of course.
That's usually what they say.
It's amazing, isn't it,
the amount of almost-professional
footballers all around the UK.
Almost-professional footballers
who all end up in All Bar One.
It's amazing, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All around the UK,
every Friday and Saturday night,
almost-professional footballers
travel far and wide,
which is hard,
because of their knees.
And despite
everything they've been through,
they still find it in their heart
to tell their tale,
and I think that is beautiful.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But it made me think, right?
What is it about
almost-professional footballers,
so that following an injury,
100% of them end up in All Bar One?
Cos as far as I'm concerned,
Apollo, that is an exact science.
And with science,
we need to utilise it.
If a young boy in your life starts
showing interest
in saying things like, "The lads!"
Singing Sweet Caroline,
wearing V-necks with a blazer
..it is crucial
..that you look after his knees.
Cos that boy is going to be a star.
So, I am a pick-me girl. I am.
A pick-me girl,
she'll do crazy things.
Like, on a date,
she can eat an entire pizza.
Quirky!
I think it's crazy that
when you eat an entire pizza,
you're like a cool girl.
You're chill.
But you eat one entire quiche
..and then, your whole life,
you're "quiche lady".
In every room you walk in,
for the rest of your life,
"Oh, there she is.
"Lorraine."
LAUGHTER,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, Apollo, I'm going to
leave you on something very special.
I've been in this
country for ten years.
And I've looked around
WHOOPING
and, essentially, I think I can do
a pretty good impression
of a British person.
And before you judge -
no formal training.
LAUGHTER
"Excuse me.
"I'm sorry,
can I just squeeze past?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That was a British person
being born.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen
and everything in between,
it's been an absolute dream
to play this.
Enjoy the rest of
your evening. Goodbye.
CHEERING,
WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
Celya AB!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely stuff.
And now, please give it up
for your second act this evening.
It's Neil Delamere!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, the Apollo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
I like to start off every show
with a little request.
If you know anybody who
works for WhatsApp,
just tell them to let us delete
the message entirely,
like it was never sent.
Don't delete the message
but still write,
"Neil has deleted the message."
Like a little telltale informer!
So that your friend still
texts you and goes,
"What was in that message that
you deleted there?"
You know when it says, "Delete for
me" or "Delete for everyone"?
Who picks?
"Just for me. I'm just going to
delete it for me, yeah.
"Yeah, I still want them to see
the awful stuff I've written,
"but I don't want to be reminded of
how much of a dick
"I can actually be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah."
It's like getting a tattoo removed
and walking into
the laser place going, "What are my
options for tattoo removal?"
"You've got two options.
"First option, we shine a laser
on your leg, remove the tattoo,
"so no-one will see the tattoo."
"What is my second option?"
"We shine a laser in your eyes so
you won't see the tattoo."
"I'll go for option number two,
please. Thank you very much."
I bought a new phone.
I fell for the ad.
You can plug the phone
into somebody else's phone
and you can wirelessly
transfer the charge.
The company thinks
people are going to use that.
No-one's going to use that.
Your charge is the single most
important thing in your life.
Look at your friends,
they would prefer to donate a kidney
to a stranger than to give
you 5% of their mobile phone charge.
Have you ever been abroad?
Yeah? You ever been abroad?
You bring one adaptor and one
charger between you and your spouse.
The UN level of negotiation
involved
in getting the charger
back from the person you love.
"Can I have the adaptor, love?
Can I have the charger?
"Can I have the adaptor?
Can I have the adaptor?"
And they hit you with,
"Absolutely, Neil.
"But what battery percentage
do you have?"
And you look at the person
you've chosen
to spend the rest of your life with
and you lie like a mofo, don't you?
"3%. 2%. Half a percent.
"I've never, ever seen half
a percent on a mobile phone before,
"to be honest with you."
"Show me your phone.
I'll plug it in for you."
"I can't show you my phone."
"Why can't you?"
"I'm having an affair."
"Are you hell having an affair,
"show me your phone!"
LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE
We'll be in Spain.
My wife will go
and have a shower before we go out.
She'll leave the bathroom door open
and the shower door open.
That is not an invitation
to join her.
You'll make that mistake once
in your life, let me tell you that.
It's because she doesn't trust you
to not unplug her phone
and plug your phone in,
and she's right,
cos that's exactly what you do,
isn't it? Then you plug her phone
back in towards the end
so you've got plausible deniability.
"Did you plug out my phone?"
"I did not plug out your phone.
"It went up by 2%
after a half-an-hour shower?
"That is because Spanish
electricity is different."
"You plugged it in during the siesta
and the wires were asleep.
"That's how it works here."
If I talk to you in the front row,
I hope you know I'm just messing.
You get great answers.
Had a farmer at a gig once.
I said, "What do you do?"
He goes, "I'm a sheep farmer."
I said, "I read recently sheep can
recognise individual human faces."
He went, "Well, as long as they
can't give evidence
"I should be all right."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I had a South African
man at a gig in Dublin once.
I said, "Where are you from?"
Big blond guy. He goes, "Cape Town."
I said, "Cape Town is beautiful
and warm and sunny.
"How did you end up in Dublin?"
He went,
"I got in the wrong container."
Irish guy, lovely fella,
big guy, you know -
apparently, we're going to be
the most overweight country in
Europe in a few years, and they
tell us this like it's bad news.
"Oh, it's a catastrophe,
it's a disaster."
It's good news,
ladies and gentlemen.
Only 180 years after the worst
famine in Western Europe?
I'd call that a comeback,
ladies and gentlemen.
No-one else has bounced
back like we have.
Those people in Pompeii just died.
If they were Irish, they'd be
selling lava lamps by now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
They didn't want it enough,
that's the trouble.
Besides, if we all become skinny,
it's boring, you know.
We lose the finest genre of TV
shows in the world, which is people
losing weight on TV.
I'm always cheering for them
because I've been
overweight in the past, you know.
I don't like the bit at the end
in the American shows where the
trainer makes them carry dumb
bells to represent the weight
they've lost, and they're always
like, "Oh, my God!
"How was I carrying an extra ten
stone before?" I'll tell you how -
cos it was evenly distributed
..all over your body.
You weren't tiny everywhere else
and had two massive,
five-stone hands,
just dragging
them along the ground.
"I can't eat chocolate.
It goes straight to my fingers."
LAUGHTER
"It's a very unusual weight
distribution, to be honest."
So, when I read the stat that said
we're going to be one of the most
overweight countries in Europe
in a couple of years,
I kind of went, "UH!" and then went,
"Ah." Then, "UH!" Then, "Ah."
You know, the same reaction
as when you drive down a motorway
too fast and your head lamps
catch the reflective
strips on the back of a police car,
and you go,
"No, no, no, no, penalty points,
penalty points, penalty points!
"Motorway maintenance vehicle?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No respect for those lads, do you?
They're the people that put up
the stupid signs.
There's a sign on the motorway
here that says,
"Caution, low-flying aircraft."
What are we meant to do
..with that piece of information?
LAUGHTER
"Better not drive
the car as high as I normally do.
"Get out there, Mary, and let some
air out of the tyres to make
"sure we can make it
under that low bridge."
It's not even my favourite
road sign.
I'm always messing with people
from Northern Ireland
that they're slightly scarier than
people from the Republic,
and I say that even the road
signs are scarier, and they are.
There's one halfway down a hill
in a place called Newry,
and it just says, "Try your brakes."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And it's halfway down the hill
as well.
If your brakes are banjaxed,
you'll just zoom by it.
I notice these signs
because I drive so much, you know.
I have a diesel car. I love a diesel
car! Oh! You know why?
When you switch off a diesel it
shudders, doesn't it?
Kind of goes "uh-uh-uh", like that.
You know what it reminds me of?
Do you know when you're on you're
A-game with your partner,
sexually speaking,
and you have a good session,
and then, you know, you separate
and she kind of goes, "Uh-uh-uh"
Ever had that? Anybody? Anybody?
I can see women looking at
their fellas going,
"I've never shuddered, John.
I have absolutely never shuddered.
"I don't know what he's
talking about.
"I've fake shuddered
a couple of times to get you off me,
"but I've never shuddered properly."
God, your missus is smiling.
Good man, yourself. Good man, sir!
Look at her! "I've shuddered
like you wouldn't BELIEVE, Neil!
"I've shuddered like a
shopping trolley on a cattlegrid."
Fair play to you.
"All the fillings fell out
on the best night of my life!"
I flew over a couple of days
ago to London.
I actually quite like airports,
mainly cos the funniest thing
I've ever seen happened in an
airport. It was in Gatwick.
It was a Ryanair plane
and an Aer Lingus plane going
from adjacent gates back to Dublin
at the same time, and the Ryanair
plane was delayed and the Aer Lingus
plane was on time, and Aer Lingus
started to take the piss out
of Ryanair in their announcements.
It was magnificent.
All they did was make the
announcements just after Ryanair.
That was it.
So it was like Bing-bong!
"Ryanair would like to
apologise for the late departure
"of flight FR122 back to Dublin.
"It will be a considerable
delay as the aircraft
"has not left
Dublin yet to get here.
"Like to apologise once
again for this considerable delay."
Bing-bong! "Aer Lingus are delighted
to announce
"..the on-time departure of flight
EI-EI-O back to the homeland."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"You get what you pay for,
I suppose."
And they kept doing it.
Bing-bong! "This is a Ryanair
gate-change announcement.
"We're going through gate B12
when the aircraft does land. B12."
Bing-bong! "Aer Lingus would like
to remind Ryanair that they can
"use our gate as we'll be finished
with it in about five minutes.
"Boarding for our flight will
commence in order of height.
"Feck it, why not try something new?
We've loads of time.
"We have loads of time.
"Aer Lingus would like to ask
Ryanair, would they like us
"to leave the key out for them,
"as it'll be very late by the time
they get to Dublin Airport.
"Your dinner's in the oven. Please
don't wake up the sniffer dog.
"The alarm code is 1916, as always."
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What they should have done was lull
them into a false sense of security.
No announcements for 20 minutes
and then hit them with Bing-bong!
"Sh, Mary, it's my turn!"
"I know!"
"Ahem. Aer Lingus has read the
recent report
"of the British Geological Society,
stating, due to tectonic activity
"in the Earth's crust,
the island of Britain
"is moving closer to the island
of Ireland
"at a rate of one inch per year,
"and we think that Ryanair
passengers
"might be better off
"..waiting for those two to join"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"..and walking home at this stage.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
It was absolutely hilarious.
Would have been funnier if I wasn't
on the fecking Ryanair plane.
My granny has dementia now.
I'm not going to try and make that
funny. Nothing funny about it.
How other people relate to
it can be weird, though.
Have you ever told somebody
something and they want to layer
more sadness on it, because they're
going to tell somebody else.
They're gossips. So, they'd say to
me, "Oh, your granny has dementia.
"That's so sad, because,
of course, she was so clever."
The implication there is,
had she not been this clever,
this wouldn't be that sad.
That makes no sense,
because then you could go,
"Oh, John has dementia."
"Ah, yeah, but John is
thick as a brick, though.
"He doesn't have a lot to forget,
John, does he?
"That'll be a hangover.
"I'd get him retested on Monday
or Tuesday
"to see if the scores improve."
It's nothing to do
with the dementia condition.
They're just gossips. Try it.
You could say anything to
these people.
"Did you see Larry has leprosy?"
"Oh, Larry has leprosy!
"And he loves trampolines,
doesn't he?
"Can't be jumping up
and down with bits falling off him
"like a fleshy Buckaroo, huh?"
SCATTERED GROANS
"Imagine his next-door neighbours
looking out the window and seeing
"less and less of him coming up over
the fence,
"like Mr Potato Head, huh?"
"Brian's gone blind."
"Brian's gone blind!
"And he was a well-known
Peeping Tom in the area.
"You'd see him outside
with his binoculars in one hand
"and his penis in the other,
just pulling himself asunder.
"You can't do that with a guide
dog looking at you,
"judging your every move, can you?"
"Jerry has jaundice."
"Jerry has jaundice!
"And he loved wearing dungarees,
didn't he?
"He looks like a Minion now.
"He looks like a Minion with
the jaundice.
"He'll have to give up
the snorkelling.
"The mask will complete the whole
look, won't it?" Try it.
"Frank has lost
both his arms in a farm accident."
"Oh, and he loved singing YMCA!"
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And with that, ladies and gentlemen,
I will bid you goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Goodnight.
Neil Delamere!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely stuff! Thank you very much
for coming out tonight.
You've seen Celya AB
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
..Neil Delamere,
and I've been Lou Sanders.
Thanks. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE