Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e04 Episode Script
Will Mellor, Scarlett Moffatt, Shaun Ryder, Chris Ramsey, James Argent, Tom Read Wilson
1 I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
If you're thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?' it's another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on t'telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were.
(CHEERING) Hiya! Hurraahh! (CHEERING) Whoo! Hurraahh! (CHEERING) Hi.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
My name is Keith Lemon.
I hope you're well.
You look well.
I'm well, you're well.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Hi.
Fearne Cotton, who's on your team? On my left, a true musical legend.
It's Shaun Ryder! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, from Celebs Go Dating, it's Tom and Arg.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
Unfortunately Holly's not here cos she was drunk laying in a bush somewhere.
Oh, get AUDIENCE: Aw! We do have someone filling in.
I've heard it's someone really big.
That's exciting.
I can see there's a W on the desk.
So I'm hoping for maybe Will Smith.
Winona Rider.
Oh, if she's in I'm gonna blow my beans straightaway.
I love Winona.
(LAUGHTER) So er, have they turned up yet? We're gonna cut live to outside.
They're just arriving in the Celebrity Juice helicopter.
There they are.
Wow.
# CARL ORFF: O Fortuna We've got the Simon Cowell music and everything.
(LAUGHTER) (CACKLES) I think it's gonna be Will Smith.
Here he comes.
Will Mellor? AUDIENCE: Aww! Will Mellor? (MUSIC STOPS) MAN: Not him? (BOOING) Aw! Will Mellor dressed as Tom Cruise from Top Gun.
(LAUGHTER) 'Ey, bring it in, bring it in.
Oh, I'm happy to see you.
I'm happy to see him.
It's Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome.
I was really chuffed when you asked me to be team captain.
You've just pissed all over my chips.
You're always lovely on here.
In fact, we did a poll.
You know Paddy McGuinness is one of my best friends.
Yeah.
He's always been at the top of people on Celebrity Juice.
Everyone likes to see Paddy.
Until recently, your last few appearances, you are at the top.
Yes! Fuck you, Paddy.
(CHEERING) He'll be watching.
Will, who's on your team? Tonight I'm in a Geordie sandwich cos on my right I've got TV all-round funny man, Mr Chris Ramsey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andon my left the reigning Queen of the Jungle, Miss Scarlett Moffatt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One of them is posh and the other one likes the nosh - it's Tom and Arg.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Although I like a good nosh too.
Whoa! I think that's a different kind of nosh, my dear.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, I'm going puce in the face.
(LAUGHTER) What? You're growing pubes on your face? (LAUGHTER) You two have just finished a series of Celebs Go Dating.
Yeah.
For anyone who's not seen Celebs Go Dating, is it just like a big orgy for celebrities? What happens? Pretty much.
We've just got to go on loads of dates and hopefully find love by the end of the series.
Have you? Nah.
Oh.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) Did you learn all your lines? What do you mean? Like in TOWIE when you have to learn your lines.
You don't learn lines.
It's real.
I told you.
Come on.
It's a soap opera.
It's not real.
Nah.
I'm not an actor.
I wish I was.
Will Mellor got offered a part in it.
(LAUGHTER) He turned it down cos he couldn't do t'accent.
(LAUGHTER) Can you do t'Essex accent? (ESSEX ACCENT) Shut it, you fuckin' mug.
(LAUGHTER) You know who does a great Essex accent? Tom.
One day I pressed the reception buzzer at the dating agency.
He answered it, done an accent, and I thought it was another geezer.
It says on my cards, Tom, that you do accents.
(POSH VOICE) Yes.
Yes, I do.
(LAUGHTER) Are you doing one now? Is that your real voice? (LAUGHTER) Alas, this is the one I was born with.
Alas.
There's a lass there.
(LAUGHTER) Would you possibly be able to read me a bedtime story? I would love to.
That is the best voice in the whole world.
He's got a great voice.
You make us feel really poor.
(LAUGHTER) It's just I've always been sort of sucking on a plum.
(LAUGHTER) Leave that out of the bedtime story or I might have sex dreams.
(LAUGHTER) Tom, give us an Essex accent.
(ESSEX ACCENT) All right, mate? WILL: Whoa! Are you there, blood? Are you, like, on the end of the receiver? (LAUGHTER) Sort of.
Shaun.
Yes! Can you do Tom's voice? (SQUEAKY VOICE) I can't do Tom's voice, no.
(LAUGHTER) I'll tell you what would be nice - to see Shaun with Tom's voice.
So if you can mouth the words, 'Hello, you're watching Celebrity Juice' to camera four.
But, Tom, you say the words.
Are you ready? Three, two, one.
TOM: Hello, you're watching Celebrity Juice.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Whoa.
(CHEERING) Arg, you're looking good at the moment.
Um You've lost some timber.
I'm looking better than what I did a few months ago.
We've got a picture of you a few months ago.
(LAUGHTER) We've got some pictures of the rest of you how you used to look.
First up it's Shaun Ryder.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh.
There's Shaun when his teeth were just made out of bits.
We've got Chris Ramsey when he used to be a lesbian.
(LAUGHTER) We've got a picture of Fearne a couple of years ago.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) CHRIS: Great one.
That is a good one.
We all knew it was coming but that was bang on.
Hey, it's Shaun Ryder, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Shaun.
Yes.
You've got two bands at the moment.
You've got Happy Mondays.
Yeah.
There's Shaun back in the day.
Look Your flies are undone.
.
.
I've got the Arg cut.
You're asleep there.
I've got Arg's hairstyle.
You're asleep but Bez is fucking wide awake.
(LAUGHTER) He ain't sleeping for a while.
Bez went out in 1989 and he's still not been home yet.
(LAUGHTER) Not even to change.
He's still got the same gear on.
You've got a new album out.
Here it is.
Black Grape.
Voodoo.
Yeah.
Black Grape haven't done anything for 20 years? 20 years.
20 years! Yeah.
It's out now.
It's new still.
It's out now, yeah.
It's Voodoo.
Please download the fucking thing, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Is this true? It says here that you once farted on Loose Women.
(LAUGHTER) Did I? I've only been on Loose Women once.
Eh? I've only been on Loose Women once and I didn't fart.
You did.
Did I? Let's have a look.
Are you excited though, to be back on the road? Er (FARTING) Oh! .
.
well (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Apparently I did.
Let's have a look at that again.
Ssh, ssh.
Er (FARTING) Oh! .
.
well (LAUGHTER) That's flipping real.
Oh, you're twisting me melon, man.
(LAUGHTER) Speaking of twisting me melon, man - we've got two legends here.
We've got Mellor man here and we've got Shaun Ryder.
And one of your famous lyrics is 'twisting my melon, man.
' Ah.
So what we've done, we've turned that into a game.
So let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, as you can see we've got Will Mellor sat on the chair.
What's gonna happen is Shaun is gonna spin him round.
Well, twist him.
You're gonna twist the Mellor man.
Then the Mellor man will try and take two pints of crisps and a packet of lager.
(LAUGHTER) Two pints of lager and one packet of crisps.
What show did you do? Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
Gonna try and take that to Scarlett at the end of the bar there.
You can't spill any of it.
I don't like spinny things.
I'm not just saying it.
I'm shite.
It's not spinning, it's twisting.
All right.
Are you ready? I'm gonna hand you this.
What now? No.
Oh, right.
(LAUGHTER) I thought I was gonna fucking Shaun Sorry.
Shaun is now gonna twist the Mellor man.
# HAPPY MONDAYS: Step On (CHEERING) Fuckin' hell.
(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE) Fuckin' hell.
No No, no, that's enough.
Seriously.
Seriously.
There you go.
There you go.
Here you go.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! (LAUGHTER) (WHOOPING) (APPLAUSE) Arh! Will, Will.
Here are the crisps.
Get the crisps on there.
Get the crisps on.
I'm still proper dizzy there, you know.
(LAUGHTER) That's was horrible.
You went too far.
(LAUGHTER) Snot bubbles and everything.
(LAUGHTER) I just wanna check to see if Will's spilt anything.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have an action replay.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! (APPLAUSE) There's a stain on my kecks.
Will, you got the crisps to Scarlett so I'll give you half a point.
Will Mellor and Shaun Ryder, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, it's Scarlett Moffatt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) A lot's happened for you, hasn't it, in a small amount of time? I know.
Is it true that you and Stephen Hawking have been chatting on Tinder? No.
I wish that was true cos I love him so much.
Is it true that he emailed you? He didn't email me.
He emailed Ant and Dec.
Because, basically, I've come up with this theory, right? Do you want to hear it? Yes.
Right.
Sorry if I bore yous.
My theory is that pyramids are from the future.
(LAUGHTER) Right? Because the latitude of the Great Pyramid of Giza - however you say it - is like 291 point and then loads of numbers.
And it's the same as the speed of light.
Stephen Hawking said if we can travel faster than the speed of light we'll be able to go back in time.
Has he agreed with your theory? No, he didn't agree.
(LAUGHTER) You seem to know a lot about these things.
I've got some other theories here.
I want you to say if they're true or not.
Right.
Why do vegetarians minges still smell like fish? (LAUGHTER) Cos vegetarians can still eat fish.
(CHEERING) Eh? Vegetarians can still eat fish.
Can vegetarians still eat fish? Pescatarians can eat fish.
Vegetarians don't.
I'm pescatarian.
I stink of fish.
(LAUGHTER) What about this one? What if birds aren't actually singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights? (LAUGHTER) It's an interesting theory.
I like that theory.
I need to look more into that.
They really do sing because their tune accelerates depending on where they are.
If they're in the city they imitate the traffic.
They're brilliant.
I believe anything Tom says.
It's true.
There used to be a Frenchman who used to go into the woods and do chanson des oiseaux and he used to just listen to them singing and then annotate it as they sang.
Isn't that remarkable? Are you a real person? (LAUGHTER) Are you a real person, for real? Yes.
When you get home, do you go, 'I fucking stayed in character for ages'? (LAUGHTER) I love you.
You will have to come home and see.
I'm rather bewitched too, you know.
I love men on the coppery spectrum.
(LAUGHTER) SCARLETT: On the coppery spectrum! (LAUGHTER) I think it's brilliant.
But you enjoy words, don't you? Oh, I relish them.
Yeah, well, we've come up with a game in honour of you.
Oh, really? Because you like words.
My friend, Jonathan Ross, got this machine from Japan which makes all your words go wibbly wobbly, Fearne.
So let's play .
.
in association with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly wobbly.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Welcome to the Wibbly Wobbly What's The Word Game in association with Jonathan Ross.
You can see we're here at the arena with the wibbly wobbly machine here.
Panellists will get on the wibbly wobbly machine then you will have to describe a word and your teammates will have to guess what the word is.
The first person to sit upon the wibbly wobbly machine is Scarlett Moffatt.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MAN: Go on, Scarlett! Do I put my I feel like I'm sitting on his face.
You are.
I am sitting on his face.
He's loving it.
Having the time of his life.
I'm gonna whisper a word into your ear.
OK.
Then you have to describe that word to your teammates.
Yeah.
Are you ready? Yes.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, go.
Oh, my feet are black rotten.
It's gonna describe the word.
TOM: Oh, my.
(GIGGLES) (LAUGHS) Oh, my God (VOICE WOBBLES) (WHISPERS) What is it? It's.
(VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (KLAXON) Oh! Oh-ho! (APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER) Whoo.
Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
Jesus.
(CACKLES) All right? Welcome to the club.
It was a er What was it? It was a deck chair.
(LAUGHTER) I thought so.
Next up, it's Tom! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I didn't know you could oscillate so vigorously.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! OK.
Ready? Yeah.
That's the guy.
That's the chap.
Oh.
I like it.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my knees have come back.
(LAUGHTER) (WHISPERS) Oh! OK.
(VOICE WOBBLES) Umat a fun fair you mightget one of these for a grand prize.
(LAUGHTER) A grand prize.
A grand prize! Yes.
But it's normally like a box of chocolates.
Candyfloss? And you get a big strip of them.
They're normally yellow.
Tokens! Tokens.
Yes, but what kind? At a fair.
(LAUGHTER) You might have a In a tombola.
Raffle ticket.
Yay! Yes! (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Next up it's Fearne Cotton! Oh, shit.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MOANS) (GIGGLES) Press something.
Oh, shit.
(LAUGHTER) You must have pressed it.
There she is.
Ready? Are you ready? I think so.
I'm gonna switch it on now.
Oh, shitbags.
Oh, ya-a-a (VOICE WOBBLES) (LAUGHTER) Waaaah! (VOICE WOBBLES) (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.
Go on, just say the fucking word.
(LAUGHTER) OK, so (LAUGHTER) .
.
when you're cleaning your house (LAUGHTER) .
.
you'll possibly be trying to remove this from your - Dust.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (GIGGLES) Next up it's Shaun Ryder! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's do it.
Is this right? Here we go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Is that right? Are you robbing my pockets? This could be Loose Woman all over.
Arrhhh! (VOICE WOBBLES) (FARTING) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES) (LAUGHTER) Is it an impression of Bez? I don't know.
He's not told me fucking anything.
(LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT SPEECH) (INDISTINCT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) What? Badger? No, you - (LAUGHTER) I didn't say it.
I didn't say anything.
I fucking waited (INDISTINCT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) (WHISPERS) Right, OK.
(VOICE WOBBLES) Cheese.
It's white and - You can't say it! (BUZZER) I didn't say it were.
You're just taking the piss, you, you (BLEEP).
You'll just let me lay here all fucking night.
(WHISPERS) Right, OK.
Right, what is it? What? Go on.
(VOICE WOBBLES) Well, it's not fried.
It's What do you want for your tea, fried or Scrambled? Eggs.
Scrambled egg? You can't say egg! (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) I didn't say it, you lying (BLEEP).
(KLAXON) You can fuck off.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! AUDIENCE: Whoo! (APPLAUSE) We're going to a break.
I'm off for a wee.
See you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break: (GRUNTS) AUDIENCE: Ohh! (COUGHS) (AUDIENCE GROANS) (GAGS AND RETCHES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Don't you love Thursdays! I love a Thursday! Fearne, you know when you do your washing-up? Yes.
And you leave the dishcloth in the water for ages and it goes stinky? Oh, I don't like that.
I've got a real thing about - All manky and terrible! No.
I'm not OK with that.
I can't have food in the plughole bit.
It's That's just the pits.
You're gonna love this next game, then.
Let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Welcome Welcome Welcome to the Wishy Dishy Did He Washy? arena here.
Basically just the trolley! Earlier on in the day, I was helping in the canteen down the road and I was washing all the dishes and stuff.
What I've done is I've placed the cloth with which I did the washing in the bowl here and all our panellists have to do is identify what it was I was washing in this bowl.
AUDIENCE: Eurgh! It's so easy! OK.
First up to play is Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Just in case you're enjoying yourself, let's eat some shit off a cloth! (LAUGHTER) Before I stick it in his mouth, for you guys at home and the studio audience, it's a lovely meal, one of my favourites, this is what it is.
One of my favourites, It's one of my favourite meals.
(LAUGHTER) What do I do? Let me judge the hand distance.
(LAUGHTER) Ready? Fucking hell.
Come on! AUDIENCE: Eurgh! Oh, fuck, it's fish! It's fish.
Is it fish? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) You're on the right track.
Get the bucket, Keith! Is it fish? It's fish, innit? (LAUGHTER) You're on the right track, Will.
It's fish.
(MORE LAUGHTER) Not just fish.
Not fish by itself.
Think of a fish dish.
(CROAKILY) Is it (MIMICS RETCHING) Fuck off.
Don't do that.
(LAUGHTER) I don't want to taste it again, so I've got to try and get it.
A fishy dish.
Seafood? Like pasta? (CHEERING) Seafood linguine! (APPLAUSE) Get in! (WHISTLING) Next up it's Tom! (MORE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, 'eck.
Oh ho ho! It looks too lumpy! (LAUGHTER) I've got a funny feeling if it's not caviar, Tom might not get this! (MORE LAUGHTER) For you guys at home, this is what dish it is.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! (CACKLES) It doesn't bode well, does it? (MIMICS AUDIENCE) Ohh! Sounds like they were looking at fireworks What do you think I should do? Just suck it? (AUDIENCE SCREAMS WITH LAUGHTER) OK.
Let's hope there's oysters in there! (NERVOUS GIGGLING) Ready? OK.
AUDIENCE: Eurgh! That's quite a lot.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) There's definitely potato.
Isn't there? (APPLAUSE) Potato? Yeah.
Yeah.
Is it shepherd's pie? Ye-e-es! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow! (GIGGLES) It's actually very nice.
Next up it's Christopher Ramsey! Oh, yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm not joking, I feel like I'm gonna cry.
This is like my worst fear.
(MIMICS RETCHING) It's like my worst fear.
For you guys at home and our audience, this is what the dish is.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! Shut up! (MIMICS RETCHING) (LAUGHTER) Ready? I've got to squeeze it.
(COUGHS) (LAUGHTER) (COUGHS) (KEITH MIMICS RETCHING) (MORE LAUGHTER) Bleugh! Bleugh! Bleugh! Fucking horrible.
Erm Bleugh! Don't! What are the flavours? What are the flavours? Burger and chips or something? Maybe chips.
Is there chips in there? (APPLAUSE) Chips.
A little bit chippy.
Fish and chips? Yes! Fish and chips! (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Not worth it! And the scores at the end of that round are shating! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Shaun Ryder, tell me about the days back in The Hacienda.
That was a famous nightclub in Manchester for anyone who doesn't know.
We all went to The Hacienda, yeah.
Do you remember much? Yeah.
You know, I can remember I can remember the '80s.
I can't remember the '90s.
The '90s are a blur? A bit of a blur.
We're gonna take you back to the '90s, as we go to The Hacienda to play (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) You all right? You all right? You all right? You're mad for it, yeah, you're fucking mad for it, aren't you? We're down here at The Hacienda.
We're playing Blame It On T'Boogie! Yeah, you're mad for it, aren't you? (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna drop a sick beat and your team-mates are gonna dance.
Yeah? Yeah.
By the power of mime MIME! .
.
hopefully, you'll guess what it is.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Are you ready? Are you ready? Put those sound-cancelling fucking headphones on! (CHEERING) Here we go! It's a dirty beat! # REDNEX: Cotton-Eyed Joe Eye? (AUDIENCE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) I Walked With You? I'm Never gonna get it! He's never gonna get it! I'm Dancing Like A Twat With You Lot? Wait, is that on? (MUSIC STOPS) Ahh.
Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! No.
Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! What? What were they dancing to? What were they dancing to? What were they raving up to? Ah, Money.
(LAUGHTER) No.
Well, you put the wrong fucking record in my cans.
No, you've got a different song in there.
They're sound-cancelling headphones.
You've got to guess what they're dancing to.
Well, how the fuck do I know what they're dancing to when you're playing the wrong record in my cans? (APPLAUSE) That's the game! You've got to guess.
Oh, right.
OK.
I get it.
Right.
So It was Put your headphones on, I'm gonna play another tune.
Let's go mad for this! # WHAM!: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go # Wake me up before you go-go, don't leave me Asleep? # Hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up.
# Wake me up before you go-go # I don't want to miss it when you hit that high # Wake me up before you go-go (AUDIENCE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) Cos I'm not planning on going solo He hasn't got a fucking clue! Sleeping on the floor? Wake him up? Yes! Wake up.
Come and get up.
(MUSIC STOPS) (LAUGHTER) So, what was it? Literally, we can't do anything else.
Get up and fucking get into Fearne.
(LAUGHTER) What song? That well-known hit from the '90s, Wake Up And Get Into Fearne.
What was it? I can't remember the fucking '90s, you silly (BLEEP)! (LAUGHTER) Shaun! Shaun, do you remember this song? Remember this? # WHAM!: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go Do you think I fucking danced to that in The Hacienda? I loved George, but he was never on fucking our radar, was he? Get up and go fucking go-go? A Guy Called Gerald, Voodoo Ray, and all that.
Not that fucking thing! Give over! (LAUGHTER) Fearne, you're on the headphones this time.
I am? That makes sense! OK.
A dirty beat.
(RECORD SQUEAKS) Mad for this! OASIS: # Don't Look Back In Anger # And, so, Sally can wait Confusion.
Looking confused.
Wandering around.
# .
.
her soul slides away No, no, no! But don't look back in anger Evil? Evil Evil? You.
Don't Look Back In Anger! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) Next up, it's Will Mellor's team! (MORE CHEERING) All right.
We're down at The Hacienda! We're playing Blame It On T'Boogie! I'm gonna drop a dirty beat, but what's that beat? (RECORD SQUEAKS) (KLAXON) # ED SHEERAN: Shape Of You # I'm in love with the shape of you, we push and pull like a magnet do (AUDIENCE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) .
.
I'm in love with your body Sexy body? Body.
Body.
Love.
Love.
Body.
(MOUTHS) I love your body.
You're mouthing! No mouthing! Ginger? Guitar? Ed Sheeran? Love Your Body! Nearly! Love My Body? No mouthing! (SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Body? Guitar? You were so fucking close! You were there! Love My Body? Love Your Body? Love Everybody's Body? I'm In Love With Your Body, Ed Sheeran.
I'm In Love With Your Body, Ed Sheeran! Too late.
Actually, it's called Shape Of You.
(LAUGHTER) Next up it's Christopher Ramsey! Ramsey! Yeah.
(RECORD SQUEAKS) (KLAXON) # UNDERWORLD: Born Slippy Oh, how do we do this one? What is he singing? (WILL JUMPS TO THE BEAT) (LAUGHTER) Fucking MMMBop by Hanson? What is he singing? The Challenge? Sprinting? A film? Drips from Ohh! Born Slippy! Underworld! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Proper! Proper! (WHOOPING) Proper! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round areshating! (MORE CHEERING) See you after t'break! Mad for this! Coming up after t'break Who is this twat? It's not me.
It's not me.
What the fuck was I thinking? No more now, please.
Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Are you having a good time? (MORE CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Are you having a good time? Are you at home having a good time? I hope you are.
OK.
Loads to play for in our final round.
It's The Buzzer Round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know, buzz in anyway.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? (FARTING) That's Shaun Ryder on Loose Women! (CACKLES) Will, what's your buzzer? (BLEUGH!) (LAUGHTER) OK.
Here's the first question.
Who from the panel is a member of an ABBA tribute band? (BLEUGH!) It's got to be Tom.
Yeah.
You're saying it's Tom.
No.
A member of a tribute band? No.
Let's have a look.
# My, my # At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender # Oh, yeah # And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way ALL: # Waterloo # I was defeated, you won the war # Waterloo # I promise to love you for ever more Waterloo (APPLAUSE) Ah! (MIMICS KEITH) Ah! Ha ha! Every time Will comes on we think there can't be any more videos.
And there's another one! What the fuck was I thinking? (LAUGHTER) What was I doing? Fearne, next question.
Have we got any more embarrassing videos of Will Mellor! Oh.
(FARTING) I say yes.
That's correct! (LAUGHTER) # Shake it up, baby # Shake it up, baby # Ooh-ooh-ooh I guess you'd better start (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) That was great.
(MIMICS WILL'S SINGING) I actually think that's amazing and you're all just jealous! I think that's a wicked night out.
I'd be well chuffed if that happened.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Great.
No more now, please.
(LAUGHS) No more.
Who is this twat? (MORE LAUGHTER) The best question ever.
Who is this twat?! (BLEUGH!) That's Will's team.
It's me.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, that was good! (GIGGLES) (APPLAUSE) OK.
Can you find Shaun Ryder in our wall of Dale Wintons? When you find him, buzz in.
(BLEUGH!) Will's team? Bottom right.
Second in from the end.
That's correct! (APPLAUSE) Who is Emma Willis posing with here? Ohh (BLEUGH!) Will's team? I'm gonna guess Will Mellor.
No, it's not me.
(FARTING) Fearne's team? It's me.
It's Tom.
It's me.
It's you, darling.
Is it Tom? Let's have a look.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How gorgeous you look.
Who is this twat? (FARTING) Fearne's team? Is it Will? Please, no more.
It's not me.
It's not me.
It's got to be It's not me, is it? Let's have a look.
It's not me.
(LAUGHTER) I honestly I honestly don't remember that.
Who is this twat? (LAUGHTER) No more.
Oh, yeah, that's me.
That's me.
(FARTING) Oh, mate! Fearne's team? A wild stab in the dark.
I'm gonna say Will.
Let's have a look.
No, it's Kim Jong-un! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) (KLAXON) Ohh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of The Buzzer Round and the end of Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is I've got the abacus out now.
Come on! Come on! We should win! His first time as team captain, but it was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window! Let's dance! (MUSIC STARTS) (MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) (CHEERING)
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
If you're thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?' it's another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on t'telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were.
(CHEERING) Hiya! Hurraahh! (CHEERING) Whoo! Hurraahh! (CHEERING) Hi.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
My name is Keith Lemon.
I hope you're well.
You look well.
I'm well, you're well.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Hi.
Fearne Cotton, who's on your team? On my left, a true musical legend.
It's Shaun Ryder! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, from Celebs Go Dating, it's Tom and Arg.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
Unfortunately Holly's not here cos she was drunk laying in a bush somewhere.
Oh, get AUDIENCE: Aw! We do have someone filling in.
I've heard it's someone really big.
That's exciting.
I can see there's a W on the desk.
So I'm hoping for maybe Will Smith.
Winona Rider.
Oh, if she's in I'm gonna blow my beans straightaway.
I love Winona.
(LAUGHTER) So er, have they turned up yet? We're gonna cut live to outside.
They're just arriving in the Celebrity Juice helicopter.
There they are.
Wow.
# CARL ORFF: O Fortuna We've got the Simon Cowell music and everything.
(LAUGHTER) (CACKLES) I think it's gonna be Will Smith.
Here he comes.
Will Mellor? AUDIENCE: Aww! Will Mellor? (MUSIC STOPS) MAN: Not him? (BOOING) Aw! Will Mellor dressed as Tom Cruise from Top Gun.
(LAUGHTER) 'Ey, bring it in, bring it in.
Oh, I'm happy to see you.
I'm happy to see him.
It's Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome.
I was really chuffed when you asked me to be team captain.
You've just pissed all over my chips.
You're always lovely on here.
In fact, we did a poll.
You know Paddy McGuinness is one of my best friends.
Yeah.
He's always been at the top of people on Celebrity Juice.
Everyone likes to see Paddy.
Until recently, your last few appearances, you are at the top.
Yes! Fuck you, Paddy.
(CHEERING) He'll be watching.
Will, who's on your team? Tonight I'm in a Geordie sandwich cos on my right I've got TV all-round funny man, Mr Chris Ramsey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Andon my left the reigning Queen of the Jungle, Miss Scarlett Moffatt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One of them is posh and the other one likes the nosh - it's Tom and Arg.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Although I like a good nosh too.
Whoa! I think that's a different kind of nosh, my dear.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, I'm going puce in the face.
(LAUGHTER) What? You're growing pubes on your face? (LAUGHTER) You two have just finished a series of Celebs Go Dating.
Yeah.
For anyone who's not seen Celebs Go Dating, is it just like a big orgy for celebrities? What happens? Pretty much.
We've just got to go on loads of dates and hopefully find love by the end of the series.
Have you? Nah.
Oh.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) Did you learn all your lines? What do you mean? Like in TOWIE when you have to learn your lines.
You don't learn lines.
It's real.
I told you.
Come on.
It's a soap opera.
It's not real.
Nah.
I'm not an actor.
I wish I was.
Will Mellor got offered a part in it.
(LAUGHTER) He turned it down cos he couldn't do t'accent.
(LAUGHTER) Can you do t'Essex accent? (ESSEX ACCENT) Shut it, you fuckin' mug.
(LAUGHTER) You know who does a great Essex accent? Tom.
One day I pressed the reception buzzer at the dating agency.
He answered it, done an accent, and I thought it was another geezer.
It says on my cards, Tom, that you do accents.
(POSH VOICE) Yes.
Yes, I do.
(LAUGHTER) Are you doing one now? Is that your real voice? (LAUGHTER) Alas, this is the one I was born with.
Alas.
There's a lass there.
(LAUGHTER) Would you possibly be able to read me a bedtime story? I would love to.
That is the best voice in the whole world.
He's got a great voice.
You make us feel really poor.
(LAUGHTER) It's just I've always been sort of sucking on a plum.
(LAUGHTER) Leave that out of the bedtime story or I might have sex dreams.
(LAUGHTER) Tom, give us an Essex accent.
(ESSEX ACCENT) All right, mate? WILL: Whoa! Are you there, blood? Are you, like, on the end of the receiver? (LAUGHTER) Sort of.
Shaun.
Yes! Can you do Tom's voice? (SQUEAKY VOICE) I can't do Tom's voice, no.
(LAUGHTER) I'll tell you what would be nice - to see Shaun with Tom's voice.
So if you can mouth the words, 'Hello, you're watching Celebrity Juice' to camera four.
But, Tom, you say the words.
Are you ready? Three, two, one.
TOM: Hello, you're watching Celebrity Juice.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Whoa.
(CHEERING) Arg, you're looking good at the moment.
Um You've lost some timber.
I'm looking better than what I did a few months ago.
We've got a picture of you a few months ago.
(LAUGHTER) We've got some pictures of the rest of you how you used to look.
First up it's Shaun Ryder.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh.
There's Shaun when his teeth were just made out of bits.
We've got Chris Ramsey when he used to be a lesbian.
(LAUGHTER) We've got a picture of Fearne a couple of years ago.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) CHRIS: Great one.
That is a good one.
We all knew it was coming but that was bang on.
Hey, it's Shaun Ryder, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Shaun.
Yes.
You've got two bands at the moment.
You've got Happy Mondays.
Yeah.
There's Shaun back in the day.
Look Your flies are undone.
.
.
I've got the Arg cut.
You're asleep there.
I've got Arg's hairstyle.
You're asleep but Bez is fucking wide awake.
(LAUGHTER) He ain't sleeping for a while.
Bez went out in 1989 and he's still not been home yet.
(LAUGHTER) Not even to change.
He's still got the same gear on.
You've got a new album out.
Here it is.
Black Grape.
Voodoo.
Yeah.
Black Grape haven't done anything for 20 years? 20 years.
20 years! Yeah.
It's out now.
It's new still.
It's out now, yeah.
It's Voodoo.
Please download the fucking thing, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Is this true? It says here that you once farted on Loose Women.
(LAUGHTER) Did I? I've only been on Loose Women once.
Eh? I've only been on Loose Women once and I didn't fart.
You did.
Did I? Let's have a look.
Are you excited though, to be back on the road? Er (FARTING) Oh! .
.
well (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Apparently I did.
Let's have a look at that again.
Ssh, ssh.
Er (FARTING) Oh! .
.
well (LAUGHTER) That's flipping real.
Oh, you're twisting me melon, man.
(LAUGHTER) Speaking of twisting me melon, man - we've got two legends here.
We've got Mellor man here and we've got Shaun Ryder.
And one of your famous lyrics is 'twisting my melon, man.
' Ah.
So what we've done, we've turned that into a game.
So let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, as you can see we've got Will Mellor sat on the chair.
What's gonna happen is Shaun is gonna spin him round.
Well, twist him.
You're gonna twist the Mellor man.
Then the Mellor man will try and take two pints of crisps and a packet of lager.
(LAUGHTER) Two pints of lager and one packet of crisps.
What show did you do? Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
Gonna try and take that to Scarlett at the end of the bar there.
You can't spill any of it.
I don't like spinny things.
I'm not just saying it.
I'm shite.
It's not spinning, it's twisting.
All right.
Are you ready? I'm gonna hand you this.
What now? No.
Oh, right.
(LAUGHTER) I thought I was gonna fucking Shaun Sorry.
Shaun is now gonna twist the Mellor man.
# HAPPY MONDAYS: Step On (CHEERING) Fuckin' hell.
(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE) Fuckin' hell.
No No, no, that's enough.
Seriously.
Seriously.
There you go.
There you go.
Here you go.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! (LAUGHTER) (WHOOPING) (APPLAUSE) Arh! Will, Will.
Here are the crisps.
Get the crisps on there.
Get the crisps on.
I'm still proper dizzy there, you know.
(LAUGHTER) That's was horrible.
You went too far.
(LAUGHTER) Snot bubbles and everything.
(LAUGHTER) I just wanna check to see if Will's spilt anything.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have an action replay.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! (APPLAUSE) There's a stain on my kecks.
Will, you got the crisps to Scarlett so I'll give you half a point.
Will Mellor and Shaun Ryder, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, it's Scarlett Moffatt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) A lot's happened for you, hasn't it, in a small amount of time? I know.
Is it true that you and Stephen Hawking have been chatting on Tinder? No.
I wish that was true cos I love him so much.
Is it true that he emailed you? He didn't email me.
He emailed Ant and Dec.
Because, basically, I've come up with this theory, right? Do you want to hear it? Yes.
Right.
Sorry if I bore yous.
My theory is that pyramids are from the future.
(LAUGHTER) Right? Because the latitude of the Great Pyramid of Giza - however you say it - is like 291 point and then loads of numbers.
And it's the same as the speed of light.
Stephen Hawking said if we can travel faster than the speed of light we'll be able to go back in time.
Has he agreed with your theory? No, he didn't agree.
(LAUGHTER) You seem to know a lot about these things.
I've got some other theories here.
I want you to say if they're true or not.
Right.
Why do vegetarians minges still smell like fish? (LAUGHTER) Cos vegetarians can still eat fish.
(CHEERING) Eh? Vegetarians can still eat fish.
Can vegetarians still eat fish? Pescatarians can eat fish.
Vegetarians don't.
I'm pescatarian.
I stink of fish.
(LAUGHTER) What about this one? What if birds aren't actually singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights? (LAUGHTER) It's an interesting theory.
I like that theory.
I need to look more into that.
They really do sing because their tune accelerates depending on where they are.
If they're in the city they imitate the traffic.
They're brilliant.
I believe anything Tom says.
It's true.
There used to be a Frenchman who used to go into the woods and do chanson des oiseaux and he used to just listen to them singing and then annotate it as they sang.
Isn't that remarkable? Are you a real person? (LAUGHTER) Are you a real person, for real? Yes.
When you get home, do you go, 'I fucking stayed in character for ages'? (LAUGHTER) I love you.
You will have to come home and see.
I'm rather bewitched too, you know.
I love men on the coppery spectrum.
(LAUGHTER) SCARLETT: On the coppery spectrum! (LAUGHTER) I think it's brilliant.
But you enjoy words, don't you? Oh, I relish them.
Yeah, well, we've come up with a game in honour of you.
Oh, really? Because you like words.
My friend, Jonathan Ross, got this machine from Japan which makes all your words go wibbly wobbly, Fearne.
So let's play .
.
in association with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly wobbly.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Welcome to the Wibbly Wobbly What's The Word Game in association with Jonathan Ross.
You can see we're here at the arena with the wibbly wobbly machine here.
Panellists will get on the wibbly wobbly machine then you will have to describe a word and your teammates will have to guess what the word is.
The first person to sit upon the wibbly wobbly machine is Scarlett Moffatt.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MAN: Go on, Scarlett! Do I put my I feel like I'm sitting on his face.
You are.
I am sitting on his face.
He's loving it.
Having the time of his life.
I'm gonna whisper a word into your ear.
OK.
Then you have to describe that word to your teammates.
Yeah.
Are you ready? Yes.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, go.
Oh, my feet are black rotten.
It's gonna describe the word.
TOM: Oh, my.
(GIGGLES) (LAUGHS) Oh, my God (VOICE WOBBLES) (WHISPERS) What is it? It's.
(VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY) (KLAXON) Oh! Oh-ho! (APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER) Whoo.
Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
Jesus.
(CACKLES) All right? Welcome to the club.
It was a er What was it? It was a deck chair.
(LAUGHTER) I thought so.
Next up, it's Tom! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I didn't know you could oscillate so vigorously.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! OK.
Ready? Yeah.
That's the guy.
That's the chap.
Oh.
I like it.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my knees have come back.
(LAUGHTER) (WHISPERS) Oh! OK.
(VOICE WOBBLES) Umat a fun fair you mightget one of these for a grand prize.
(LAUGHTER) A grand prize.
A grand prize! Yes.
But it's normally like a box of chocolates.
Candyfloss? And you get a big strip of them.
They're normally yellow.
Tokens! Tokens.
Yes, but what kind? At a fair.
(LAUGHTER) You might have a In a tombola.
Raffle ticket.
Yay! Yes! (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Next up it's Fearne Cotton! Oh, shit.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MOANS) (GIGGLES) Press something.
Oh, shit.
(LAUGHTER) You must have pressed it.
There she is.
Ready? Are you ready? I think so.
I'm gonna switch it on now.
Oh, shitbags.
Oh, ya-a-a (VOICE WOBBLES) (LAUGHTER) Waaaah! (VOICE WOBBLES) (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.
Go on, just say the fucking word.
(LAUGHTER) OK, so (LAUGHTER) .
.
when you're cleaning your house (LAUGHTER) .
.
you'll possibly be trying to remove this from your - Dust.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (GIGGLES) Next up it's Shaun Ryder! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's do it.
Is this right? Here we go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Is that right? Are you robbing my pockets? This could be Loose Woman all over.
Arrhhh! (VOICE WOBBLES) (FARTING) (LAUGHTER) (VOICE WOBBLES) (LAUGHTER) Is it an impression of Bez? I don't know.
He's not told me fucking anything.
(LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT SPEECH) (INDISTINCT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) What? Badger? No, you - (LAUGHTER) I didn't say it.
I didn't say anything.
I fucking waited (INDISTINCT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) (WHISPERS) Right, OK.
(VOICE WOBBLES) Cheese.
It's white and - You can't say it! (BUZZER) I didn't say it were.
You're just taking the piss, you, you (BLEEP).
You'll just let me lay here all fucking night.
(WHISPERS) Right, OK.
Right, what is it? What? Go on.
(VOICE WOBBLES) Well, it's not fried.
It's What do you want for your tea, fried or Scrambled? Eggs.
Scrambled egg? You can't say egg! (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) I didn't say it, you lying (BLEEP).
(KLAXON) You can fuck off.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! AUDIENCE: Whoo! (APPLAUSE) We're going to a break.
I'm off for a wee.
See you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break: (GRUNTS) AUDIENCE: Ohh! (COUGHS) (AUDIENCE GROANS) (GAGS AND RETCHES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Don't you love Thursdays! I love a Thursday! Fearne, you know when you do your washing-up? Yes.
And you leave the dishcloth in the water for ages and it goes stinky? Oh, I don't like that.
I've got a real thing about - All manky and terrible! No.
I'm not OK with that.
I can't have food in the plughole bit.
It's That's just the pits.
You're gonna love this next game, then.
Let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Welcome Welcome Welcome to the Wishy Dishy Did He Washy? arena here.
Basically just the trolley! Earlier on in the day, I was helping in the canteen down the road and I was washing all the dishes and stuff.
What I've done is I've placed the cloth with which I did the washing in the bowl here and all our panellists have to do is identify what it was I was washing in this bowl.
AUDIENCE: Eurgh! It's so easy! OK.
First up to play is Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Just in case you're enjoying yourself, let's eat some shit off a cloth! (LAUGHTER) Before I stick it in his mouth, for you guys at home and the studio audience, it's a lovely meal, one of my favourites, this is what it is.
One of my favourites, It's one of my favourite meals.
(LAUGHTER) What do I do? Let me judge the hand distance.
(LAUGHTER) Ready? Fucking hell.
Come on! AUDIENCE: Eurgh! Oh, fuck, it's fish! It's fish.
Is it fish? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) You're on the right track.
Get the bucket, Keith! Is it fish? It's fish, innit? (LAUGHTER) You're on the right track, Will.
It's fish.
(MORE LAUGHTER) Not just fish.
Not fish by itself.
Think of a fish dish.
(CROAKILY) Is it (MIMICS RETCHING) Fuck off.
Don't do that.
(LAUGHTER) I don't want to taste it again, so I've got to try and get it.
A fishy dish.
Seafood? Like pasta? (CHEERING) Seafood linguine! (APPLAUSE) Get in! (WHISTLING) Next up it's Tom! (MORE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, 'eck.
Oh ho ho! It looks too lumpy! (LAUGHTER) I've got a funny feeling if it's not caviar, Tom might not get this! (MORE LAUGHTER) For you guys at home, this is what dish it is.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! (CACKLES) It doesn't bode well, does it? (MIMICS AUDIENCE) Ohh! Sounds like they were looking at fireworks What do you think I should do? Just suck it? (AUDIENCE SCREAMS WITH LAUGHTER) OK.
Let's hope there's oysters in there! (NERVOUS GIGGLING) Ready? OK.
AUDIENCE: Eurgh! That's quite a lot.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) There's definitely potato.
Isn't there? (APPLAUSE) Potato? Yeah.
Yeah.
Is it shepherd's pie? Ye-e-es! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow! (GIGGLES) It's actually very nice.
Next up it's Christopher Ramsey! Oh, yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm not joking, I feel like I'm gonna cry.
This is like my worst fear.
(MIMICS RETCHING) It's like my worst fear.
For you guys at home and our audience, this is what the dish is.
AUDIENCE: Ohh! Shut up! (MIMICS RETCHING) (LAUGHTER) Ready? I've got to squeeze it.
(COUGHS) (LAUGHTER) (COUGHS) (KEITH MIMICS RETCHING) (MORE LAUGHTER) Bleugh! Bleugh! Bleugh! Fucking horrible.
Erm Bleugh! Don't! What are the flavours? What are the flavours? Burger and chips or something? Maybe chips.
Is there chips in there? (APPLAUSE) Chips.
A little bit chippy.
Fish and chips? Yes! Fish and chips! (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Not worth it! And the scores at the end of that round are shating! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Shaun Ryder, tell me about the days back in The Hacienda.
That was a famous nightclub in Manchester for anyone who doesn't know.
We all went to The Hacienda, yeah.
Do you remember much? Yeah.
You know, I can remember I can remember the '80s.
I can't remember the '90s.
The '90s are a blur? A bit of a blur.
We're gonna take you back to the '90s, as we go to The Hacienda to play (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) You all right? You all right? You all right? You're mad for it, yeah, you're fucking mad for it, aren't you? We're down here at The Hacienda.
We're playing Blame It On T'Boogie! Yeah, you're mad for it, aren't you? (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna drop a sick beat and your team-mates are gonna dance.
Yeah? Yeah.
By the power of mime MIME! .
.
hopefully, you'll guess what it is.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Are you ready? Are you ready? Put those sound-cancelling fucking headphones on! (CHEERING) Here we go! It's a dirty beat! # REDNEX: Cotton-Eyed Joe Eye? (AUDIENCE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) I Walked With You? I'm Never gonna get it! He's never gonna get it! I'm Dancing Like A Twat With You Lot? Wait, is that on? (MUSIC STOPS) Ahh.
Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! No.
Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! What? What were they dancing to? What were they dancing to? What were they raving up to? Ah, Money.
(LAUGHTER) No.
Well, you put the wrong fucking record in my cans.
No, you've got a different song in there.
They're sound-cancelling headphones.
You've got to guess what they're dancing to.
Well, how the fuck do I know what they're dancing to when you're playing the wrong record in my cans? (APPLAUSE) That's the game! You've got to guess.
Oh, right.
OK.
I get it.
Right.
So It was Put your headphones on, I'm gonna play another tune.
Let's go mad for this! # WHAM!: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go # Wake me up before you go-go, don't leave me Asleep? # Hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up.
# Wake me up before you go-go # I don't want to miss it when you hit that high # Wake me up before you go-go (AUDIENCE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) Cos I'm not planning on going solo He hasn't got a fucking clue! Sleeping on the floor? Wake him up? Yes! Wake up.
Come and get up.
(MUSIC STOPS) (LAUGHTER) So, what was it? Literally, we can't do anything else.
Get up and fucking get into Fearne.
(LAUGHTER) What song? That well-known hit from the '90s, Wake Up And Get Into Fearne.
What was it? I can't remember the fucking '90s, you silly (BLEEP)! (LAUGHTER) Shaun! Shaun, do you remember this song? Remember this? # WHAM!: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go Do you think I fucking danced to that in The Hacienda? I loved George, but he was never on fucking our radar, was he? Get up and go fucking go-go? A Guy Called Gerald, Voodoo Ray, and all that.
Not that fucking thing! Give over! (LAUGHTER) Fearne, you're on the headphones this time.
I am? That makes sense! OK.
A dirty beat.
(RECORD SQUEAKS) Mad for this! OASIS: # Don't Look Back In Anger # And, so, Sally can wait Confusion.
Looking confused.
Wandering around.
# .
.
her soul slides away No, no, no! But don't look back in anger Evil? Evil Evil? You.
Don't Look Back In Anger! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) Next up, it's Will Mellor's team! (MORE CHEERING) All right.
We're down at The Hacienda! We're playing Blame It On T'Boogie! I'm gonna drop a dirty beat, but what's that beat? (RECORD SQUEAKS) (KLAXON) # ED SHEERAN: Shape Of You # I'm in love with the shape of you, we push and pull like a magnet do (AUDIENCE CLAPS TO RHYTHM) .
.
I'm in love with your body Sexy body? Body.
Body.
Love.
Love.
Body.
(MOUTHS) I love your body.
You're mouthing! No mouthing! Ginger? Guitar? Ed Sheeran? Love Your Body! Nearly! Love My Body? No mouthing! (SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Body? Guitar? You were so fucking close! You were there! Love My Body? Love Your Body? Love Everybody's Body? I'm In Love With Your Body, Ed Sheeran.
I'm In Love With Your Body, Ed Sheeran! Too late.
Actually, it's called Shape Of You.
(LAUGHTER) Next up it's Christopher Ramsey! Ramsey! Yeah.
(RECORD SQUEAKS) (KLAXON) # UNDERWORLD: Born Slippy Oh, how do we do this one? What is he singing? (WILL JUMPS TO THE BEAT) (LAUGHTER) Fucking MMMBop by Hanson? What is he singing? The Challenge? Sprinting? A film? Drips from Ohh! Born Slippy! Underworld! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Proper! Proper! (WHOOPING) Proper! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round areshating! (MORE CHEERING) See you after t'break! Mad for this! Coming up after t'break Who is this twat? It's not me.
It's not me.
What the fuck was I thinking? No more now, please.
Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Are you having a good time? (MORE CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Are you having a good time? Are you at home having a good time? I hope you are.
OK.
Loads to play for in our final round.
It's The Buzzer Round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know, buzz in anyway.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? (FARTING) That's Shaun Ryder on Loose Women! (CACKLES) Will, what's your buzzer? (BLEUGH!) (LAUGHTER) OK.
Here's the first question.
Who from the panel is a member of an ABBA tribute band? (BLEUGH!) It's got to be Tom.
Yeah.
You're saying it's Tom.
No.
A member of a tribute band? No.
Let's have a look.
# My, my # At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender # Oh, yeah # And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way ALL: # Waterloo # I was defeated, you won the war # Waterloo # I promise to love you for ever more Waterloo (APPLAUSE) Ah! (MIMICS KEITH) Ah! Ha ha! Every time Will comes on we think there can't be any more videos.
And there's another one! What the fuck was I thinking? (LAUGHTER) What was I doing? Fearne, next question.
Have we got any more embarrassing videos of Will Mellor! Oh.
(FARTING) I say yes.
That's correct! (LAUGHTER) # Shake it up, baby # Shake it up, baby # Ooh-ooh-ooh I guess you'd better start (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) That was great.
(MIMICS WILL'S SINGING) I actually think that's amazing and you're all just jealous! I think that's a wicked night out.
I'd be well chuffed if that happened.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Great.
No more now, please.
(LAUGHS) No more.
Who is this twat? (MORE LAUGHTER) The best question ever.
Who is this twat?! (BLEUGH!) That's Will's team.
It's me.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, that was good! (GIGGLES) (APPLAUSE) OK.
Can you find Shaun Ryder in our wall of Dale Wintons? When you find him, buzz in.
(BLEUGH!) Will's team? Bottom right.
Second in from the end.
That's correct! (APPLAUSE) Who is Emma Willis posing with here? Ohh (BLEUGH!) Will's team? I'm gonna guess Will Mellor.
No, it's not me.
(FARTING) Fearne's team? It's me.
It's Tom.
It's me.
It's you, darling.
Is it Tom? Let's have a look.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How gorgeous you look.
Who is this twat? (FARTING) Fearne's team? Is it Will? Please, no more.
It's not me.
It's not me.
It's got to be It's not me, is it? Let's have a look.
It's not me.
(LAUGHTER) I honestly I honestly don't remember that.
Who is this twat? (LAUGHTER) No more.
Oh, yeah, that's me.
That's me.
(FARTING) Oh, mate! Fearne's team? A wild stab in the dark.
I'm gonna say Will.
Let's have a look.
No, it's Kim Jong-un! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) (KLAXON) Ohh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of The Buzzer Round and the end of Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is I've got the abacus out now.
Come on! Come on! We should win! His first time as team captain, but it was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window! Let's dance! (MUSIC STARTS) (MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) (CHEERING)