8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e05 Episode Script

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock! Alan Carr, Sara Pascoe, Tom Allen, Rosie Jones, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
The show that combines the breezy humour of Countdown with the academic rigour of 8 out of 10 Cats.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain, Sean Lock.
When Sean took part in Let's Play Darts for Comic Relief, he called himself "The Midwife".
Not because he always delivers, but because, on this show, he says he's always surrounded by a massive bunch of, well, let's leave that there.
And joining Sean tonight is Sara Pascoe.
APPLAUSE Sara has published a book about the female body.
I read the pop-up edition.
Unusual book, it was me that did the popping up.
Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain, Alan Carr.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE Alan Carr, he's what it would look like if God had said "I like humans, but what would it look like "if I replaced their teeth with some broken custard creams?" SOLITARY CLAPPING Who's clapping that? Don't! And Alan's team-mate, Tom Allen.
I'm trying not to mention the shape of Tom's head, this evening.
But it's really difficult, you end up walking on eggshells, dammit.
Tom's career has really taken off recently.
He's hosting Bake Off The Professionals.
He's been on Channel 4's Comedy Gala.
In fact, the only thing that could stop him now, is if he sat on a wall and had a great fall.
Leave it, Tom.
It's not worth it, it's not worth it.
Leave it, Tom.
Leave it! Leave it! Alan, I hear you've had a new addition to the family.
Yeah, yeah.
I rescued a dog from Korea.
It was going to be eaten, in a meat festival, and I rescued it.
Because they're, the dogs are like a delicacy there, aren't they? - Yeah, yeah.
- But the dog's ever so small.
I mean, you'd have to have, like, a side of rice or something with it.
I mean, it is tiny.
He's like a hairy vol-au-vent.
But, yeah.
I mean, it's - You rescued a starter? - Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, yeah.
But, do you know the weirdest thing ever? Go on.
I came in the room, the other day, and it was sitting in the chair, like a human, watching Pointless.
I think, I think we have a picture of this.
- Have you got a picture? - Yeah, we've got a picture of this.
Look at that! And I'm thinking, "Is that a dog or have we just, like?" Cos if that's, like, a man in a suit, that's kidnap, that's not rehoming.
" - It's smuggling, isn't it? - It's smuggling, yeah.
OK, Sara, what is your greatest fear? Um, probably weddings.
I hate weddings.
Look, I understand the thing about, like, loving someone forever, like, that's lovely.
But the rest of it, come on.
I had to go to five weddings last year, all of them had hashtags, bleugh.
The worst one, they sang their vows.
- AUDIENCE SIGHS - I was watching, I was watching, thinking, "If this is what happiness looks like, I'm glad I'm depressed.
" And it wasn't, like, funky singing, It wasn't, like, all cool, like in a film, - it was incredibly earnest.
- Ugh! # I do # Take you, Ian.
I hate Ian.
And I hate Caroline.
I shouldn't have used their real names.
I fear weddings, I think they're awful.
I don't think, I think, if you just, if you want attention, just become a stand-up comedian, like everybody else.
I kicked over a baby once at a wedding.
Congratulations! That sounds like a good wedding.
It was a good, no, have you ever been, like, in a really fast conga and can't get off? I was conga-ing and this baby came out of no .
.
move! Move! OK, Tom.
What?! Tom, do you think you and Alan will make a good team? Well, finally, I think we're going to bring some masculinity - to this Goddamn - Yeah.
- .
.
sissy show.
- Yeah.
For too long I've seen you and you, mincing around here.
Yeah, we're sick of you pussies.
- We're here - Yeah.
- .
.
to bring a bit of blokeyness - to the whole experience.
- Yeah.
People are fed up with you talking all the time and being all nelly about everything, with your quips.
- Yeah.
- I've been very nelly in the past, yeah.
You've been banged to rights, Sean.
Banged to rights.
"Banged to rights" is the sort of thing we're going to start saying in our masculine way.
OK, Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes.
A lot of people say to me, "Sean, your life seems so smooth, "so effortless.
You never seem to have any problems.
"How do you do it?" And I say it's cos I, I've got loads of life hacks.
You know, I've come up with a book of my life hacks.
Just ways to make your life easier.
There we go.
OK, Sean's life hacks.
Instead of eating a sandwich, just put it straight in the bin.
And later, you won't need to go to the toilet.
Time saved.
On your suitcase, when you're going on holiday, write "goolies" in white paint, so you know it's your bag.
Extend the life of your courgetteright? By keeping them in a condom.
See, I saw that earlier, I thought it was Alan's.
Don't wave that in my face.
Move it.
Stop it.
- Um, so handy tips like that, Jimmy.
- I've got loads of them.
Instead of making a cup of tea, make a gallon.
Drink a cup and freeze the rest.
Then, use it when you just fancy a cup of tea.
Put it in a saucepan and half an hour later, you've got a lovely cup of tea.
And also, you could do this with coffee and bath water.
And I'll do one more, save money on fireworks, by rubbing your eyes.
Sean Lock's life hacks, everyone.
Brilliant.
Sara, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
- What have you got? Um, one of the things I find really difficult on the show, is the letters and the maths.
And, um LAUGHTER .
.
but I think the reason I'm finding them difficult, is the concentration, I get distracted.
Oh, look, there's Sean Lock.
Oh, look, there's Rachel.
So, I thought who's really good at concentrating? Horses.
And so, I've got myself blinkers like a horse.
So, that when we're doing the rounds, I won't, I won't even look at Sean, I won't look at Rachel.
I will just, I will just do my work, like this.
Like a horse on the high street.
Like it doesn't know you're there.
It's a great idea, it looks a little bit like a jockey is teabagging you, but I love it.
Does it? Where's the? .
.
no, it doesn't.
I haven't got an orifice up there.
I haven't got a blow hole, Jimmy.
OK, Tom, have you got a mascot? Well, actually, yes, I do, Jimmy.
I've decided to bring along as my mascot, it's a gay rugby team.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Wessex Wyverns.
This is, this is the Wessex Wyverns, gay rugby team.
This, now this is Daniel.
He likes cross-stitch.
This is Nick.
He had an argument recently with his uncle about blue passports.
And this is James.
He likes playing rugby and he likes playing older men off of one another.
And I've always wanted to be their mascot, so I thought what could be better than if I asked them along as my mascot, tonight.
Why do you want to be their mascot? Um, because my type is officially men who are chunky, and kind.
And I need to feel safe, and also because I am very, very, lonely.
Have you met Tom before? Uh, we've never heard of him before.
How lonely? LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE As a rugby team have you, have you got a mascot at the moment? We do, my niece.
Yeah, well, she's actually not as good as she thinks she is.
And she needs to watch herself, cos that job's got my name written all over it.
So, all of you can shut up and get off the stage, actually.
Go on.
Can I have my courgette? Sorry, love.
Sorry.
There's a reason I put them in here.
It's not a toy.
Um, Alan, have you got a mascot? Yes.
Yes, I have.
What is that? - What is it? - Well, listen.
Well .
.
I've had a blockage.
It's a fatberg.
I had to have Dyno-Rod round.
So, this is all the stuff they found stuck down my sewer.
I mean, there's a Blue Planet DVD.
Look at the irony of that.
Sweetcorn there.
I mean, I know it goes through you, but it's still in the can there.
- And also, because I - PHONE RINGS .
.
oh, this is where it is.
Bloody hell.
Oh, it's Celebrity Tipping Point.
No, I'm out.
There's actually a photo there, a signed photo of Cliff Richard.
I wish I'd waited for the court case to carry on, but I panicked and just tried to get rid of it, it's stupid.
Alan's fatberg, everyone.
It's my fatberg.
Oh, it's disgusting.
Well, over in dictionary corner, it's Rosie Jones! Rosie, it's your first time on Countdown.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Oh, well hello.
I'm Rosie and I am a character comedian.
Hiya.
Some of you are laughing and some of you are going Is she? Is she pretending to be disabled? Yeah.
It's just a bit of fun.
Rosie Jones, everyone.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE And with Rosie Jones, it is, of course, Susie Dent.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE Susie Dent has promised to send me a copy of every single one of her books and I hope they arrive soon, because tomorrow is bin day.
LAUGHTER Susie, have you been researching anything new recently? I'm looking at body language, a bit.
- Really? - Which is really interesting.
And, you know, there's the obvious thing like defensive and looking down, you're shy and all that stuff.
But these, like, really micro-gestures that tell you, that send you a message.
Women turning their back on you, Jimmy, for example.
But I genuinely found this out, I had no idea about this.
Apparently, there's a three-second rule, that if you gaze at somebody, hold someone's gaze for more than three seconds it means either kiss or kill.
- Well, let's, let's try this.
- All right.
Hoh.
It's Both.
Yeah.
Try to decide the order.
That's fascinating body language.
Three seconds.
Have I just said something you found fascinating? - Yeah, genuinely fascinating.
- I knew it, stop right there.
- All right, quit while you're ahead.
- I'm happy with that.
- Excellent, I love that.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Now, Rachel, you're starring in a new sci-fi film, I assume.
Yeah, where you're an Empress of the Fairies.
I just looked over and saw Alan and Tom both going like this - and then going - No, we were saying we love it! - You liar! - I did! - Don't lie! - I love what Rachel's wearing.
You said it's like she vajazzled a doily.
You're such a bitch, Tom.
Oh, shut up, Alan.
Oh, I love the masculinity you're bringing.
We nearly had it, Alan, we nearly had them fooled.
Now, Rachel, you're a Manchester United supporter.
Do you ever get any stick from other supporters? Um, well, the United fans are always a lot nicer.
I was spotted on a Tube going to a Cup Final once, by United fans, and they started singing a song about me, just made up on the spot.
It was "Rachel Riley is a red, is a red, is a red.
"Rachel Riley is a red, she hates Carol.
" LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Bagpipes.
HE PLAYS THE BAGPIPES OUT OF TUNE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Alan and Tom, you get to pick the first lot of letters.
I'll have, what shall we have? Four consonants? Sure, I don't mind, yes.
Yes, please.
S, D .
.
N - .
.
P.
- Can you move a bit of that thing on your shoulder? - Thank you.
- Which way? It's like the beginning of a migraine, with that twinkling in the way.
Are they wings? Have you got it on backwards? No, it's like.
- It's, kind of, like one of those lizards.
- Oh, yeah! - It's a velociraptor.
- It's a velociraptor! Do it again.
A gay one, a gay velociraptor! Like a velociraptor about to go out to a cocktail party.
Uh, well, I'll have some vow, well, how many vowels? - Three? - Three vowels, please.
O You two sound like you're ordering in a restaurant.
- U.
- Three? We have got to try their consonants here, they're delicious.
Absolutely delish.
A consonant to share, please.
- L.
- And just another consonant, I'm driving.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS - Oh! - LAUGHTER Sorry, Susie, I was messing about with a - Yeah, thanks.
- Oh, no.
Now we've both got brain damage.
Why are there two men under your seat? They're always there.
What are we doing with that doll? - Alan, how many? - Six.
- Tom, how many? - Seven.
You haven't.
- Pluralised, didn't I? - Ohh.
Yeah.
Whoa, yeah, I like a plural, me.
- Sean, how many? - Seven.
- Uh, Sara? - Six.
Six, OK.
What is your six, Sara? Loused? Like when you get rid of lice? L-O-U-S-E-D? - Yeah.
- Oh, that's a good one, Sara.
- I'd never have thought of that.
- It's cos you've got no hair.
- Alan, your six? - Um, mopeds.
Sean, your seven? Modules.
- Nice.
- Ooh, lovely.
- AUDIENCE OOHS Listen to that.
I mean, you talk about easily impressed, this crowd.
Yeah.
They're like the Wimbledon crowd, aren't they? Tom, what's your seven? Well, I went one better than Sean and I went for nodules.
Ooh! Susie, Rosie, could they have done any better? - What do you think, Rosie? - We got sevens.
Slumped.
And spumone.
- What, sorry? - Spumone? You know, that really fancy dessert with lots of layers on it.
So, I, I didn't read that out, cos I thought it said spum one.
Spum one.
Spum one to love.
Spum one to hold.
- Very good.
OK, - so, at the end of that, both teams have seven points.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
Sean, Sara, you get the first pick of the numbers.
Get my teabags on.
- Um, so - Could I have two from the top and the rest from the littles, please, the little ones? Spoken like an expert.
- Thank you.
- Four little.
- Six - Just watch and learn.
.
.
four, seven, ten.
Big ones, 100 and 75.
OK, and your time starts now.
COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS So, the target was 903.
Alan, did you get it? No, nowhere near.
How close did you get? All I heard was "la-la-la".
I go into blind panic.
It's like when you hear, like, an ambulance - and you're driving along.
- Did you panic? I panicked.
Tom, did you do any better? Did you get it? 940, I got.
Well, I could nearer than that.
Well, go on, then.
What did you get? Well, look, I mean, you could just do that.
- That's closer than that.
- But what did you get, then, Alan? Well, I can't add it up.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yeah.
Sean, you got it.
And Sara I presume you got it, cos you were all focused.
You were in the zone, then.
The thing is, I know you're being sarcastic, but it's the closest I've ever got.
I got 901.
This is working as a system.
This is science.
OK, Sean, how did you do it? 10 times 100.
10 times 100, 1,000.
Minus 75.
- OK, four times seven is 28, take that away.
- Yeah.
- Then add the six.
- Perfect, well done.
APPLAUSE I mean, 10 points to Sean.
Very good.
The scores, Alan and Tom are on seven, Sean and Sara are on seventeen.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are red moobs.
The clue is where the magic happens.
That's red moobs, where the magic happens.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were RED MOOBS.
The clue was - where the magic happens.
It was of course, BEDROOMS.
So, Sean and Sara are in the lead.
Sean, have you got any more of those life hacks, make life a bit easier for the rest of us? Yeah, I do! - That's a bit of luck, innit? - Yeah, here we go.
OK, this is another one.
Shoplift from charity shops.
They didn't pay for the stuff, so whose is it anyway? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The security in charity shops is usually just an old woman in a tabard.
Avoid the pain of a tattoo by rolling around on wet newspaper.
LAUGHTER That's Rita Ora.
JIMMY CACKLES She's dancing, look.
There's more, there's more.
Save money on herbal tea.
Drop a Glade plug-in into a mug of hot water.
Hey, just finished an apple? What are you going to do with the core? - You're going to throw it away, aren't ya? - Of course, I am.
- No, you're not.
- Oh.
You're going to make a lovely decoration.
Look at that.
LAUGHTER Don't you think that would really make Christmas? They're lovely, aren't they? Sean's life hacks.
APPLAUSE Thank you OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Alan and Sara.
So, Sara your turn to choose.
- Yeah.
- Total focus.
Do you want to put your tiny Christmas tree away or are we - keeping that for? - Oh, yeah, sorry, is that distracting you? Those blinkers are a bit shit.
How did you see that? The trouble is horses love apples, so actually it was very distracting.
You've really got into character for this.
This is a role I was born to BRAYING LIKE A HORSE: .
.
pl-a-a-a-y.
Now, erm - LAUGHTER - ALAN: Oh, dear.
Vowel, please.
A Consonant.
S Consonant.
Consonant.
C Vowel.
O Vowel.
I Consonant.
Y Y? Oh, yeah, I guess it is, isn't it? Erm It's tricksy because you feel like it's a vowel.
Erm, consonant.
M Erm, another consonant, please.
And S.
OK, your time starts now.
MUSIC: Sandstorm by Darude All right, lads, it's time to ride! We are going to sweat in 3, 2, 1.
Let's go! Let's give 'em some speed.
1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2.
Jimmy, what's this? Jimmy, where are you going?! Jimmy! Come back, Jimmy! I'm feeling the burn.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm knackered.
Sara, how many? - 7.
- 7? Alan, how many? I've got a risky 6.
A risky 6, OK.
What's your 6? Er, MOISTY.
- MOISTY? - Ooh.
"Oh, is it me, or is it a bit MOISTY in here?" "Hm, this cake's a bit MOISTY.
" Yeah, yeah.
Mm, MOISTY.
Is it a thing, MOISTY? Yeah, MOISTY is there, unfortunately.
Well, lovely for Alan, but a horrible word.
It means erm, of weather, moist or damp.
ROSIE: Oh, I love that word.
LAUGHTER SEAN: I was convinced you'd made it up.
No.
LAUGHTER - What are you doing? - Huh? I've got to turn this fucking thing round.
I've got to get rid of it somehow.
Are you actually in control of it, Jimmy? I'm in some control but not much.
It's got no reverse.
You've never looked more like a cartoon.
Sara, what's your word? Oh, you'll be proud of me, Jimmy.
This is such a Countdown word, I've got the word MASCOTS.
- Yes.
- MASCOTS? APPLAUSE 7 points to your team, Sara.
APPLAUSE Rosie, Susie, could they have done any better? Er, MYSTICS.
MYSTICS? MYSTICS and MISCAST as well.
OK, so at the end of that Alan and Tom have 7, Sean and Sara have 24 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, now time for Sean and Tom to go head-to-head.
Tom, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have six numbers, please, Rachel? Yes.
75, 10, 8, 4, and 25.
Mm, now you're talking.
And the target, just for you - 666.
- Oh, God.
OK, your time starts now.
So, the target was 666, the number of the beast.
TOM HUMS Ahhh, I am a beast I am.
All the girls say it.
Urgh.
LAUGHTER Err, you're more Vin Unleaded that Vin Diesel.
Can I just say that? LAUGHTER 666, did you get it? 668, pretty close.
Er, Sean, how did you do? Ooh.
He's on fire.
OK, how did you get 665? I got 665, Jimmy, by using all those numbers.
Yeah, I did 8 x 75 = 600.
8 x 75 = 600 7 - 4 = 3 - Yeah.
- 3 x 25 = 75 Add that on, and take away the 10.
Yeah, well done.
One below.
SARA: Well done.
7 points to Sean, well done.
APPLAUSE Rachel, could it be done, 666? It could.
If you say 75 + 7 = 82.
82 x 8 = 656 Add on the 10 for the sign of the beast.
ALAN: Oh.
Oh, very good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Rosie Jones what have you got for us? Well, actually people look at me and they go, "Aw, bless her, she's got all that palsy.
" Don't feel sorry for me.
Being disabled is .
.
amazing! And to show you, I'm going to talk you through the great reasons to be disabled, right? Number 1, you can dribble LAUGHTER .
.
on people.
"Oh, I can't help it.
" I can.
Number 2, you can get free shit.
When I go into cafes, people look at me and go, "Aw, do you want some free shit?'" And I get free coffee, I get free cake, I get sex.
LAUGHTER And number 3 - this is a secret.
Nobody knows that I'm a dick.
LAUGHTER Everyone just thinks I'm a cute little disabled lady.
It's incredible.
Stylist Magazine voted me the Most Remarkable Woman of the Year.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
I'm not.
The most remarkable thing I've done this year is I wanked for eight hours.
LAUGHTER That's right.
APPLAUSE Rosie Jones, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Alan and Tom have 7 points.
Sean and Sara have 31 points.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are ORGY HUTS.
The clue is - it's only natural.
That's ORGY HUTS - it's only natural.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were ORGY HUTS, the clue was - its only natural.
It was of course YOGHURTS.
Now before we go on, he doesn't work here any more, but he keeps on turning up anyway.
It's Joe Wilkinson.
Yay! APPLAUSE You all right, Joe, what have you been up to, mate? Erm, well Erm, well, cos you fired me, cos you're a prick .
.
I've gone, gone back to being an inventor.
So, I've started inventing again, make myself a few quid.
This is actually one of my inventions.
It's actually a baby papoose for adults.
Erm, the only downside is you need a giant who's prepared to carry you around for the afternoon.
Erm, this one's mine, it's Glen.
Do you want a toffee, Glen? Yeah, hold on, he loves toffees.
Here you go.
Erm, so I've got a few other inventions I could show you, I've been working on.
Come on, Fabio.
You remember my half-brother Fabio, he's there.
That's another one of my inventions.
It's a lovely little idea this is, I don't know why it's not been done before.
It's actually a mobile toilet seat dispenser.
Erm, I get Fabio to walk around the town with this, and er, if anyone needs a new toilet seat, he just dispenses one.
Go on, mate, show 'em how it works.
Really simple, a lovely little idea.
Really nice little feature, that.
- Don't wave, you fucking idiot.
- APPLAUSE I've also got, I've got another little idea where this looks like a normal chip and pin machine, doesn't it, but we've actually customised one.
I've made it into a lovely gravy boat.
But my best idea Well, bring it on.
Bring it on.
Shall we just wander over? You know when you've put a bit of weight on when the UK's strongest man is struggling to move.
Er, so, it's my best design, my best invention, - do you like it, Jimmy? - What is it? What do mean, what is it, you fucking idiot? It's Actually, Fabio, do you want to show them, start her up.
Oh, I've just remembered there's an on switch.
Here we go.
There we go.
What do you think of it now, Jimmy? Well, I mean it certainly looks impressive, what does it actually do? It's a It's a bottle opener.
Let's play Countdown! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Alan and Tom, your turn to choose the letters.
Oh, Joe, what's that? I've got some felt-tips.
This has been such a long evening, I'm not listening to this shit, I'm gonna do a drawing.
Er Vowel, we'll have a vowel? - Yeah, we'll have a vowel.
- We'll have a vowel.
- A couple of vowels.
- A couple of vowels.
E and U.
Oh, contentious.
Don't get me started! Oh, that's enough, we've had enough.
- No! - Everybody's heard enough about it, let's go home.
Come on.
A couple of consonants, please, love.
Yeah.
K S - I think a couple of more vowels.
- A couple of more vowels, please.
I A A couple of consonants, please Those awful shoulder pads, I can't see anything.
Yeah, then a vowel, please, love.
E OK, and your time starts now.
Sara, how many? - 5.
- 5? - Sean, how many? - 3.
- 3? It's quite hard.
Too many vowels, I think.
They were really badly chosen letters, weren't they? They were appallingly chosen letters because they don't take it seriously.
- They don't.
- We do, but we're so caught up in our masculine pursuits.
Give us a couple, a couple of examples.
Guttering, that sort of thing.
Blokes love guttering, don't they? "Oh, every November, I'd better get up there and clear out the gutters.
"I ain't gonna pay somebody to come round here, "clean out my gutters for me.
I'll do it.
"Give me the ladder, Daphne.
" - OK, how many? - 3.
- I've got 6.
- 6? - Have you? Yes.
- OK, so what is your 3? SAG.
- SAG? - What's the point? What's the point? Sean, your 3.
DUG.
DUG.
Sara? I've got 5 if anyone's interested.
I got a 5 as well, Joe.
Is it the same? Say it at the same time.
- 1, 2 - IKEAS.
Sorry, I can't count, yeah.
What have you got, Sara? DUKES.
D-U-K-E-S.
Like the plural of DUKE.
- Alan, what have you got? - Another made up word? No, it's not another made up Is GUIDES a made-up word? ALL: Oh! Were you in the Guides? No, I wasn't, I was in the Brown Er, no, I wasn't.
No, no, in Northampton we had Beavers, - do you remember Beavers? - Yeah.
- I was a Beaver.
Well, you've got the teeth.
APPLAUSE Six points to Alan! CHEERING That is amazing.
Rosie, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Seven, GAUDIES.
- Gaudies? - Gaudies, you know those sort of reunion dinners at colleges.
Ah.
Anyone wanna see my picture of an egg? - Yes.
- Yeah.
You're very good, Joe.
- All right, do you wanna see the other thing I drew? - Yeah.
The back of my own head.
- That's good.
- That's good, yeah.
Yeah, it shut you up.
OK, the scores at the moment, Alan and Tom have 13, Sean and Sara have 31 points.
APPLAUSE OK, time to across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Rosie Jones, what have you got for us? Well, I've got some more great things about being disabled.
Number one, you can dial it up.
And when I can't be bothered going to work, I dial it up and ring my boss and I go, "Oh, no, the palsy flared up again!" APPLAUSE Right down to the pub, day off! You can also dial it up when the disability inspector comes around.
So hopefully they're not watching this.
Shh! And number two, you don't have to deal with any kids.
It's amazing.
None of my friends will leave me with their kids.
Cos I do drop 'em.
And then I recruit them.
It's like a pyramid scheme.
CHEERING Rosie Jones, everyone! And here is your final teaser, the words are SPLAT GOO, the clue is - stop whacking it.
That's SPLAT GOO - stop whacking it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were splatgoo, the clue was stop whacking it.
It was, of course, goalpost.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Sara, your turn to choose.
- JOE: I'll help.
- Oh, thanks, Joe.
- Do you want to draw something? - Sure.
- LAUGHTER - Are you ready, Joe? - No, yes.
Sorry Sean, you're scaring me.
- You ready? - LAUGHTER Vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant, vowel, vowel, vowel, consonant.
Fine.
Vowel, consonant .
.
vowel, consonant Sorry, consonant, consonant, vowel.
Consonant, consonant, vowel.
- Er, consonant - No.
Vowel.
Consonant.
- There you go.
- No, no, I wanted a consonant, not a vowel, at the end.
- Please.
- Er Thank you.
LAUGHTER Stick that G up there.
OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Its bloody freezing in here.
- Er, how many? - I've got six.
- Sean? - Six.
- Sara? - six.
Six, six, six again? How are you doing this, Rachel? - Tom, what did you get? - Oh, I'm embarrassed Anus.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Anus.
- It's a legitimate word, it is a word.
- Er, Alan? - Romans.
- Romans? - Oh, that's a good one.
That's a good one, innit? I'm just going to keep anus up, if that's all right with everyone? - Er, Sean? - Organs.
- Organs? - Oh, that's a good one.
- No, still gonna keep anus.
- LAUGHTER Um, Sara? My one's the same letters as Sean's, but rearranged.
I've put groans.
- Oh, yeah.
- No, I'm keeping anus.
We're going to keep anus up, though, because we know what our fanbase likes.
OK, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Rosie, Susie, could they have done any better? There was another cheeky six - orgasm.
Ah.
OK, so Alan and Tom have 19, Sean and Sara have 37.
Ah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
You're time starts now.
Agh! LAUGHTER Tom, Tom, what have you done to Alan? Oh, is it alchemist? Let's have a look and see.
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, the final scores are Alan and Tom have 29, Sean and Sara have 37.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So Sean and Sara, you're now the proud owners of this - the Countdown bagpipes! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight.