Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e05 Episode Script

1 I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck'? Don't worry.
It's just another overelaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
Look! Holly Willoughboozy, firing lasers from her massive tits.
Fearne Cotton, riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
Gino D'Acampo, firing dough balls.
Here we are, taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew! Made it to t'studio just in time for the best show on telly.
What's that telly show? Celebrity Juice.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were though.
Hi! Yeah! Bring it in, bring it in, bring it in! (CHEERING) HURRAH! Hi, hi.
Welcome to Thursday.
This is where your weekend starts.
I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First, it's Fearne Cotton.
Hello! Fearne, who's on your team? On my left - Ore, Ore, Ore! AUDIENCE: Oi, oi, oi! (CACKLES) It's Ore Oduba! (CHEERING) And on my right, Hollywood actor and housewife's favourite, it's Jesse Metcalfe.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Great team.
A lot of love in the house for the Metcalfe.
Good-looking team.
I know! Don't get excited.
We don't want it popping out like a sausage.
I know - keep it under control.
Filling in for Holly Willoughby this week because she's still drunk and laying in a bush, it's none other than the Italian stallion, Gino D'Acampo! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you! I say, Italian stallion.
You look like you've been living on a beach, you've been a lazy bastard.
Where've you been? I was away meditating.
Meditating? I was there in Italy by myself for about six weeks.
By yourself for six weeks? Yeah.
I bet your dick's like a spike from all that wanking.
That was part of my meditation.
(LAUGHS) Gino, who's on your team? On my right, I have the most beautiful couple.
I'm going to be honest with you, I will love to see them fucking.
What the fuck? Oh, that will be a fucking movie to watch.
It's Rochelle and Marvin! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) He is never watching usfuck.
I can't believe I said that! Rochelle said 'fuck'! On my left, I have the Queen of American chat show, it's Ricki Lake.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Thank you.
Go, Ricki! Go, Ricki! Go, Ricki! (AUDIENCE CHANTS) It never gets old.
How's it going? Wonderful! Nice to see you.
Great to see you as well.
I'd pay money to see them go at it as well.
They are beautiful.
They are, aren't they? You got two customers already.
Ricki Lake, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thank You! You're an Emmy Award-winning queen of chat shows and star of musical and film.
Um, yes.
It's great to have you.
It's rare we have someone of your ilk.
I have to admit, I've never seen this show.
That's why you're here, otherwise you'd have said no.
I don't know what I'm in store for.
Should I be nervous? AUDIENCE: Yes! It's just relaxed family fun.
We have a little giggle.
OK.
You got your big break in Hairspray.
With John Waters.
You played Tracy Turnblad in 1988.
Here you are.
That became quite a phenomenon.
That was my real hair.
FEARNE: So brilliant.
It became quite a phenomenon, Hairspray.
Yeah.
We've got a picture of you in the new movie.
Oh, no, that's John Travolta.
(LAUGHTER) I just want to know if you're into anal sex.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Gino, do you do anal sex? I Yeah! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! No! One of the things you're most famous for is The Ricki Lake Show.
Was it 12 12 years total, yes.
12 years.
For kids at home that may be too young to have seen The Ricki Lake Show, what was the message? That is a really good question.
How not to live your life, I'd say.
The relationships would be crazy - cheating, baby daddies and whatnot.
That was the synopsis for the programme.
What was the message of the programme? For me, it was a paycheque.
I mean (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That's the message? Hey, hey! Can you smell spunk? It stinks of All I can smell is spunk.
A spunky hunk, yes, it's Jesse Metcalfe.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I thought, literally.
I know.
I'll take it.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you.
We know you from Desperate Housewives.
Yeah.
You've got your top off and you were the sexy gardener.
From time to time.
That was the fittest show of all time.
Everyone was beautiful.
Look at this picture.
We've got Eva Longoria, Teri Hatcher, who I've pumped fist to many times.
Even the ginger lass, she were fit as well, and it's very rare for a ginger to be fit, apart from me.
What? Gingers are ace! There she is, there she is! 'Gingers are ace'.
Are we going to date or what? No, I'm talking about my daughter, but I love you.
You've got a ginger daughter, haven't you? My thang.
No.
Not the case.
No.
Jesse, you also played John Tucker Must Die.
I played John Tucker in John Tucker Must Die.
There's John Tucker, also scared of the shirt.
Do you wake up in the morning and go, 'Goddamn, I'm good looking'? No, only on Fridays.
On Fridays, right.
You were in Gravity.
I remember you were in Gravity.
(LAUGHTER) You might have missed him as well in Shawshank Redemption.
(LAUGHTER) I was good in that.
Recently, you had a small cameo in Dunkirk, didn't you? There you are.
(LAUGHTER) Just joking.
Right now, you're in Chesapeake Shores.
Chesapeake Shores.
I play a country-music singer on the show.
Do you sing? Yeah, I sing and play guitar.
You sing.
Exactly.
You've even done a film with Sylvester Stallone.
I did.
Recently, he's been spotted fisting people.
He's fisted you, hasn't he? We've got a picture.
There he is.
Yeah.
He's also fisted Bruce Willis.
There he is, fisting Bruce Willis.
He's even fisted Donald Trump.
Wow.
But nobody likes fisting more than Ore, cos he's fisted you, hasn't he? Yeah, there he is.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) No, I got your back now.
That was messed up.
Ore Oduba! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Are you well? Yeah, really good.
A big congratulations, cos your wife Portia is expecting a baby! (CHEERING) When? Soon.
Great! Your wife said that your fear of birds - you have a fear of birds Yeah.
.
.
almost ruined your holiday, yes? Yeah.
So why did you go to the Canary Islands? (LAUGHTER) Last time, we were a bit mean to you.
Yeah.
We scared you.
Have a look at this.
We've checked the studio for birds, and there's no birds whatsoever.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Did you think it was a real bird? I thought I'd got away with that.
Don't worry.
Have a look up.
I've seen.
Nothing there, so you're all right.
(SCREECHING AND FLAPPING) # Flight Of The Bumblebee Oh, shit, there's an owl, there's an owl! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Is it real, is it real?! I thought it was Bring A Friend To Work Day.
(SQUAWKS) Go on, Cal.
Can we get by you? (SQUAWKS) (LAUGHTER) (SCREECHES) (SHRIEKS) Trying to cure you of your fear of birds, that's all.
Thanks.
I think we've improved.
Look out! (LAUGHTER) Hey, it's the urban Eamonn and Ruth, it's Marvin and Rochelle! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I love that! Congratulations - you've just celebrated five years of marriage.
Five years.
In July.
Five years! Woo-hoo! Yeah! I'm still here, mate.
That's you on your wedding day, when you've just smelled Marvin's balls.
Finger sniffer.
To see how well you know each other after five years Oh, God.
.
.
I'll give you a chance to win a point for your team.
I want you to look straight down camera 1.
Yeah.
Yes.
On the Olympic beeps, give me the answer to these questions.
If you both get the same answer, you'll get a point.
Oh, yes! First question.
You can do it.
What does Marvin's penis look like? (BLIPS) (LAUGHTER) Of course! A knob.
What a knob.
You didn't say nothing! Because I'm like Points! At least make some shit up.
OK! What would Rochelle most like Marvin to dress up as in the bedroom? (LAUGHTER) Very good.
What's Rochelle's favourite sexual position? Oh, for fuck's sake, Keith! (LAUGHTER) Why, what is happening? That's a point! Point.
You got one point for your team.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Ricki, do you know a game that we play called Don't Show Keith Your Teeth? I can imagine what it is, but I told you, I've never seen the show.
Then let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! It's a word-association game.
You must not stutter, you mustn't repeat or show me your teeth.
OK.
The subject is: Marvin? (LAUGHTER) Hey! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Peppa Pig! Peeb-bee-bee-bee-beep! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Popping gum.
(LAUGHTER) When pooper ooper oosy up.
Ore? Moths.
AUDIENCE: Oh! No, that's him.
We met people go (BUZZ!) Oh, buck off.
Er, stack list.
Pleep-pleep-pleep! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! I hay waywing in wine.
Wayling in line.
Mm-hm, in the queue.
I don't like it! (LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So annoying! Coriander? Annoying.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) AUDIENCE: Oh! (BUZZ!) Thank you.
Thank you! See, you old shit? Yep.
Ra-ra-ra-ra! It's annoying when people kick your seat on the aeroplane.
That's annoying.
Very, very annoying, um, when (BUZZ!) When you stucka toe.
When you cut your fingernail We're talking about toes.
I can't, I've gone.
(BUZZ!) People show up late.
Oh, shit! (BUZZ!) That means that Gino's team is the winner! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Going for a sweet poo, I shall see you in two.
Going to an ad break! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Coming up after t'break Dig a hole using your trowel.
As much as you can.
That's it, Gino.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) HURRAH! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
You having a good time? You having a good time? Fearne, Fearne, Fearne.
We don't get time to catch up these days.
I know! Cos you're a mum and stuff.
But I did something really cool.
I went to Alan Titchmarsh's gardening convention.
That IS cool.
He's invented a high-tech gardening belt which enables you to do gardening without using your hands.
Genius.
I like that.
I said, 'Can I borrow it for Celebrity Juice'? He says no because he don't like the show.
Oh.
I thought, 'Fuck that shit', because we've got Jesse Metcalfe, all the way from America, the most famous fictional gardener on the planet, so let's play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi.
Welcome to Mysteria Lane, just like off of Desperate Housewives.
Like travelling back in time, innit, Jesse? Oh, yeah.
We're outside Eva Longoria's house, and she wants you guys to do her garden.
All you've got to do is water her bushes using your Alan Titchmarsh belt, then plant her plants.
You've got a trowel there.
Mm-hm.
Then you have to get down and dig the hole.
Then you have to waterproof the fence Really? .
.
using your brush on your belt.
Move it round and then varnish it.
It's so easy, but who will be the best? You've got an allotment time to do it.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Gino, loosen your belt, it looks a bit tight.
Have you put a bit of timber on? A little bit of timber.
Just a little bit, summer timber.
You look healthy.
A bit of summertime beef there.
All right.
You'll go on the sound of the lawnmower.
(WHIRRING MOTOR) Ooh! Water, water! That's it.
(AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) No hands.
And he's empty! Jesse's empty.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Gino! Quick, quick, quick! That's it - dig a hole using your trowel.
Dig a hole using your trowel.
That's it, get stuck in.
Aaah! That's it, now use your hand.
You can use your hand.
Dig it in, that's it, Jesse.
There he goes.
Get to the fence.
Now use your paintbrush.
Dip it in.
We have to varnish, varnish.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Come on, Jesse! MAN IN AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! (LAUGHS) Gino, he's not put here! Oh, OK.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Keep going.
Remember, you have an allotment time, so do as much as you can.
Smash that fence! As much as you can.
That's it, Gino, you know what you're doing.
(LAUGHTER) Cover your own side.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Rubbish! Let's have a look.
# ETTA JAMES: I Just Want To Make Love To You A Hollywood actor there, fucking a fence.
(LAUGHTER) Of course, Gino D'Acampo's fucked many a fences.
OK, we're awarding points for technique and effort.
You only done one side.
The point goes to .
.
Jesse Metcalfe! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are - garden-ing! Ricki, American high schools, are they the same in films as they are in real life? No.
It's always some dorky guy that's getting their head put down No, no, no.
.
.
the, erm, toilet.
I don't think so, no.
What's a jock, then? A jock? A jock is, like, an athlete.
Would a jock put the geeky person's head down the toilet like, say, Fearne? I mean (LAUGHS) I was a jock at school! YOU were a jock? Fuck off.
If you were a jock, I were a You were a cock at school, not a jock.
What about you, Jesse, did you enjoy high school? For the most part.
You must have got enough poontang.
Let's go back to high school, as we play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (AMERICA ACCENT) Hi.
I'm just an average kid in the USA in a high school in a small town.
I'm in the stalls.
I'm going to pass some gossip down from the stalls.
If they get it right at the end, they get a point, it's so easy.
But they're wearing sound-cancelling headphones.
Whatcha gotta do? OK, let's see if it's workin'.
Hey, Jesse! Can you hear me for real? You can't hear me? No.
If I speak really fast? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
He can't hear me.
OK, here's the gossip.
Did you hear Ore Oduba is back from Cuba? He was doing some scuba whilst playing the tuba.
Did you hear that? Hey, what gives? Pass it on! (LAUGHTER) Do you like to do scuba? Is that it, are you sure? Do you like to do scuba? OK.
(LAUGHS) Also, that's really put me off life.
(GROANS AND LAUGHTER) Oh! Disgusting! Fearne, it's just nature.
All women bleed.
Hi, Ore.
Hi.
(GROANS AND LAUGHTER) Do you like toast so much? (LAUGHS) Do you like toast so much? Do you like toast so much? That's what he said, it was very, very short.
(LAUGHTER) Do you Do youroast? (LAUGHTER) Do you She just said that.
Do you roastdo you roast Do you roast? Do I roast? Do you roast? Take your headphones off.
This is always going to be hard, cos Jesse can't understand you WITHOUT headphones.
The gossip was, 'Did you hear that Ore Oduba is just back from Cuba? He was doing some scuba whilst playing the tuba'.
I said 'scuba'! The message I got was, 'Do you like toast so much'? (BIRD SQUAWKS) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I will poke you so bad! Just trying to overcome the fear of birds, trying to help you.
Let's have an action replay of that, let's see what happened.
(APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! We're going to an ad break.
I'm off for shit, I'll see you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break Put your knees together.
Looks like I've got a fucking camel toe here.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Ore, last week we played a game called the Wibbly Wobbly game.
Are you up for playing the Wibbly Wobbly game? I was MADE for the Wibbly Wobbly game.
Let's play it! In association with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly, wobbly, wibbly.
Hi, welcome to the Wibbly Wobbly game.
What happens is, our panellists will sit upon Jonathan Ross's nose.
You'll have to describe as many words as you can without saying the word to your panellists.
If they guess the word, you get a point.
It's that easy.
First up to play is Ore Oduba! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Place your back on Jonathan's nose.
FEARNE: Very relaxed.
Feet up.
(RUMBLING) Oh, here we go.
Oh, ho-ho-ho! There you go! Just to complete the picture, come whisper in my ear.
(LAUGHTER) Quick-release the turds.
Your time starts now.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It's, erm, talking about They're skinny on your legs.
Ostrich.
They're, erm Like leisure gear.
Chickens in tracksuits.
They're like jeans.
(LAUGHS) They're a mixture between jeans and something else.
Jeggings? Yes! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) That was a long ride.
Next up, it's Ricki Lake! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) EVERYONE: Go, Ricki! Go, Ricki! Oh, boy.
Thank you for these lovely pink pants.
They're great.
OK.
Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
(RUMBLES) I'm just going to remove my glasses.
OK, all right.
Time starts now.
OK.
Erm, it's another word for 'crotch', it's an animal, a hairy little animal.
Beaver! Yes! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm holding my boobs for you.
You go to this place, and women take their clothes off and use a pole.
Strip club! Gino, high five! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Oh, my God! Next up, it's Gino D'Acampo! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! On your back.
Eh? 'Eh'? Th-th-th-theh.
You was thinking to get one home, didn't you? Ready? Put your knees together.
Huh? Put your knees together.
ROCHELLE: Cross your legs! Your knees, your knees! (LAUGHTER) Like that? There we go! That's it.
Your time starts now, Gino! Looks like I've got a fucking camel toe here! I can't fucking Oh! Oh.
You look like a little electrocuted frog.
It's, if you don't want children but still have sex A vasectomy! Condoms! You put it in another hole.
Contraception.
Anal.
No? No, the other hole.
The other hole, the mouth? Blow job.
Oral.
Blow job! That's it.
(KLAXON) (GRUNTS) Arsehole, arsehole! Anus! RICKI: Oh, my God, that's so funny.
It's so good.
Next up is Rochelle! (APPLAUSE) Press the button.
I actually really need a pee.
RICKI: I do too! Like, so badly.
Oh, no! OK.
Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Quickly! Your time starts now! My boobs! Oh, my God.
Erm, when you're younger and you're a boy Masturbation, wanking.
Come in the night.
Erm Wet dream! (DING!) (KLAXON) Yeah! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Are you pulling? RICKI: That was amazing.
That's always my problem.
Oh, my God.
And the scores at the end of that round are EVERYONE: Sha-ting! The Wibbly wobbly game, in association with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly, wobbly, wibbly.
There's all to play for in our final round, it's the buzzer round! Gino, what's your buzzer? (GINO'S VOICE) I put weight on, I been eating dough balls.
Don't make fun of your beef balls.
Fearne? (GRUFF VOICE) Fuck off, you dirty bird.
Ore, don't worry.
He's terrified of the bird.
First question.
Whose face have we replaced with Ross Kemp? (GRUFF VOICE) I fucking hate swans.
Fearne's team.
Erm, Mystic Meg.
No, it's not Mystic Meg.
(GINO'S VOICE) Look at my fat tummy.
Gino's team? Katie Price? It's not Katie Price.
(GRUFF VOICE) Robins? They're filthy little (BLEEP).
Is it Ricki Lake? Let's have a look.
MARVIN: Ricki! Come on! Why did you not know that? Ricki! Wait a minute! Which one of these beards belongs to Gino D'Acampo? (GINO'S VOICE) I am a bearded little piggy.
Fantastico! Gino's team? Go on, Rochelle.
C.
This was A.
Oh! Noel Edmonds was B.
I remember them.
This is C.
Yes, it was Gino's.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) What's the best way to lean on a wall? (LAUGHTER) What is the best way to lean on a wall? ORE: C.
Your call, what do you think? (GINO'S VOICE) I can't see my penis because my belly is so fat.
That's Gino.
ROCHELLE: Gino! A.
I would hope it's A.
If you lean on the wall, it's A.
Only Jesse knows.
What's the best way? C.
C? That's correct! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Toilet roll! In America, they throw toilet roll! Toilet roll in America! FEARNE: Run like the wind! A point for your team if you bring it back! MARVIN: This way, this way! A point for your team if you bring it back! This way, this way! This way! FEARNE: Bring it to Keith! Go, go! (DING!) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Oh, that was good! (KLAXON) Oh! That's the klaxon.
That's the end of the buzzer round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is, it's Gino D'Acampo! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! # KIM WILDE: Kids In America (OWL SCREECHES) Ta-ra! (SQUAWKS)