The Simpsons s18e05 Episode Script

The Simpsons 18x05 (HABF21) G.
I.
(Annoyed Grunt) we are not all naked under our clothes Bart, can we go to Banana Republic? There's a mannequin there I have a crush on.
Milhouse, that is the most pathetic thing I ever Oh, my God.
She's beautiful.
Bullies! Wait.
They're employees.
They have to be nice to us.
Let's go.
Oh, shoe-boy? I'm looking for something in a cross-trainer.
What size do I smell like? You're dead, Simpson.
Dude, don't lose it in the workplace.
We're already on thin ice with Mr.
Friedman.
The shoe size calibrator is for measuring feet and nothing else.
Yes, Mr.
Friedman.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Friedman.
That tie really brings out your eyes, Mr.
Friedman.
You're lacing it wrong.
I want it overy-undery, not undery-overy.
Re-lace them all.
No.
Attention part-time sales representatives.
I'm leaving this job to work at Jolly Tamale because the hours are better and my mom's really sick.
When you leave what happens to your rule about not whaling on customers? That rule leaves with me.
Idle teens at 1:00.
Intercepting in three, two.
'Sup, guys? Heard the new rap CD? Yo, I don't know what I dig more, hip-hop, krunk, or serving my country.
Are you guys hitting on us? No, man, we just want to talk to you about something near and dear to us.
What? Being gay? Close.
The Army.
Because of exciting current events, the Army needs new members.
New members who want to earn money for college, and see a part of the world that tourists never go to.
Doesn't the Army have to fight in wars? Not wars, global struggles.
You guys like globes? Let's go, dudes.
Damn it.
Even the dumbest teenagers in the dumbest town in the dumbest state know better than to join the Army.
Well, we'll just have to go younger.
What's this assembly for? A surprise Doodlebops concert? Standardized tests, standardized tests, standardized tests.
How many of you like video games? Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real life and not a game at all? Wouldn't that be slammin'? Who are these wonderful people? Now we brought along a movie.
Do you guys know where we can find some awesome kids to show it to? Dearborn, Michigan? No, here.
You got it.
I'm imagining that knight is me! Ooh.
The Army It's everything you like.
Ah.
Now you can't legally join the army until you're 18, but if you pre-enlist now, we will save you a spot in America's next unresolvable conflict.
Listen to those half-pencils scribble.
Thanks for fitting us in, Sergeant Skinner.
Well, I'd do anything for my beloved Army.
Well, how about re-enlisting? How about you bite me? Great news, Ma.
I agreed to join the army when I turn 18.
What? Homer! Our son joined the Army.
Eh, big deal, by the time Bart's 18, we're going to control the world.
We're China, right? Now listen, Bub.
You go down to those recruiters and tell them Bart is too young for the Army.
I don't want this to bethe only memory I have of him.
How come I can't join the army, but Lisa gets to be in PETA? I think she just answers their phone.
Hey.
Uh Fur is murder! When's the Krusty movie coming out? Whoa.
Uh, hey.
No, you can't.
Uh, this one's ruined.
Give me the backup.
Now the babies.
And the monkey head mittens.
Yeah, I'm a real class act.
Okay, Mr.
Simpson, we'll tear up your son's contract.
Sorry, guys.
You know, his mother's the one who made me come down here.
Sounds, uh, like you're kind of tired of being bossed around at home.
Go on.
Would you be interested in, um well, I don't know, joining the army? Wouldn't that take me away from my family for two whole years? Hey, a big target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.
Woo-hoo! Where do I sign? Now where's my parade? Where's my parade? We have this issue of Parade Magazine.
Ooh, "Who makes what in America.
" Army private: $14,000 a year.
D'oh! Homer, with all the things you've done go into space, attend clown college, join the Navy I never thought you'd join the Army.
Whoa, even the Army has Humvees now.
Homie, don't do this.
You have a wife and three young children at home.
I have to, Marge.
Who else is gonna keep oil under a hundred dollars a barrel? You? Don't make me laugh.
You couldn't Aw, oh, oh, don't, no.
Daddy's just teasing.
Of course you could.
You could keep it under a hundred.
Yes, you could.
No, she couldn't.
Fort Clinton (Not That Clinton) Attention! Ordinarily, I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, running down your hometowns, and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.
Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? 'Cause mine is I care too much.
Unfortunately, the demand for troops has never been higher, so we've got to speed things up.
While you've been standing here, your hair's been cut, and your clothes have been replaced with army fatigues.
Here's your nicknames: Brooklyn, Hollywood, Kissimmee-St.
Cloud, Florida, Maveri, Blanket Hog, Newman's Own, Master of Suspense, England's Rose, Nickname Pending, Bram Stoker's Dracula, and Snowflake.
Snowflake? What happens to me in the summer? A troublemaker, huh?! You're gonna sit here and eat donuts, while the rest of the unit does push-ups! I don't understand.
How does punishing them teach me a lesson? Just for that, they'll do the push-ups one-handed, while you eat Alaskan King salmon and I give you a foot rub! I like rubbing people's feet Corns and bunions are a treat I can give massage real well If you know why, don't ask, don't tell.
Congratulations, you have all completed basic training.
Our base commander will now give you your assignments.
Okay, listen up! Man, you've got an awesome voice! Well, thank you.
Can you say,"Side effects may include drowsiness and loss of appetite"? Side effects may include drowsiness and loss of appetite.
Hmm, sounded better in my head.
Now, we've graded your aptitude tests and assigned you specialties to match your skills.
Frontline infantry.
Frontline infantry.
Frontline infantry.
Frontline infantry.
I joined to make recruitment films.
Well, you know where you're gonna get good footage, don't you? Ooh, tell me.
Frontline infantry! Everyone got an assignment but us.
I wonder what makes us so special.
Gentlemen, I'll be frank.
Never before has the Army accepted recruits with test scores as low as yours.
That's an odd way to start handing out medals.
I'm not handing out medals! But I am gonna give you a special assignment.
The Army is conducting war games, and we want you to play the enemy.
Don't you get it? They're using us as patsies to make the Army look good.
Are we that stupid? This avocado just gave me a wedding ring.
- So they're not shipping you overseas? - Nope.
I'm gonna stay here and let them test their laser-guided super weapons on me.
Like that one.
Don't worry, Dad.
You'll do great.
Okay, these are war games, and I'm head of my team.
I have to think like a great military leader.
Ah, stay crunchy in milk.
I will! Stay crunchy, men.
Stay crunchy.
This'll be like shooting cats off of Grandma's sofa.
Oh, my God, I just remembered.
It's Chinese New Year! Gung hay fat choi! Gung hay fat choi! Americans! After them! Sir, you can't just invade an American city without authorization.
I sure as hell can! Congress slipped it into the National Broccoli Day Proclamation.
I was wondering why you were carrying that thing around.
I thought we were gonna have a day off or something.
Think again.
Now, move out! - Is this war? - No, sir, just a simulation.
Whew, this pain feels so real.
Uh, it is real.
Oh.
Guess I'd better do my part.
Bring it on, chumps! Fingers, fingers, fingers.
What you doing, Moe? Drawing a wang on Marmaduke? Heck, no.
I'm challenging myself with one of these, uh, Sudoku games.
What, that Japanese puzzle in which no numeral can be repeated in a row, column, or box? That's how it works? I was just drawing wangs on the numbers.
Moe, Moe, you got to hide us from the Army.
The Salvation Army? You got it.
Not that Army, the one from Stripes! Okay.
Thanks, Moe.
How can I ever re pay you? Hey, some things mean more to me than money.
Like a whole lot of money.
Why did you just say that sentence fragment? Uh, it, uh long story.
War game's over, losers.
Hey, they's using live ammo.
Well, what have we got? Rise, my pretties.
Find our enemies and capture their image in your filmy fortress.
I think we ought to just go up there and surrender.
I'm not gonna surrender.
You've seen what the US Army does to prisoners.
How would you like to be stacked naked in a pile with a hillbilly girl pointing at you and laughing? That was our last Christmas card.
Yeah, Marge always loves your cards.
Well, you may not be the smartest guys in the Army.
Homer Simpson! We have captured your unit! We're telling off-color jokes and laughing as a group.
Come and join the fun bunch.
I'd give anything to hear Homer's voice.
"H" means "hot"?! Stupid Army, searching for me with that giant helicopter in the distance.
It's not giant and it's not in the distance.
It's small and it's in our room! Predator drone! This means war.
- I thought it was already war.
- I hate you.
Attention, Springfield! We are rounding up and detaining all men who are fat or bald, or have ever been amused by the antics of Homer Simpson.
Excuse me.
I don't belong here.
I am not bald.
I am balding! Ugh, why will no one honor the "-ding"? I honor the "-ding", sir.
The hell are you talking about? Sir, maybe we should just quit.
This operation has cost over $50 million since lunch.
US government policy is very clear.
Never back down.
Never admit a mistake.
That's why we've won over half the wars we've fought.
Mom, we've got to stop them from pacifying our town.
Don't worry.
I have a secret weapon one more deadly than any gun.
- Lisa's face? - A phone tree.
Huh? Well, you'd better hurry.
I don't think Dad can last much longer where he's hiding.
Dorothy's daughter comes every Sunday and brings all kinds of wonderful soups.
- Oh - And Melvin's son brings a banjo.
And he works our names into his songs.
Oh! Hello, Helen? I'm calling about the recent destruction of our town.
Well, I have a little plan to fix their wagon.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Yes, Nelson, of course I'll help.
And a haw-haw to you.
So that's the plan.
We're meeting at the reservoir at 8:00 p.
m.
I flushed a potato down the toilet.
Now we have to live in a hotel.
Terrific.
Now call Lindsay Naegle.
Marge, why did you have us bring our liquor to the reservoir? We're going to dump it in the water to get the Army drunk.
Wow, uh this'll be the first time I ever watered down my booze.
Moe, why are your eyes darting back and forth so much? Oh, I-I'm just thinking about a great tennis match I saw once, yeah.
Uh, uh, now I'm thinking about ping-pong.
A ver-very fast chess game.
A snappy David Mamet play.
What the hell happened to us? I'll tell you what happened to us.
Y-You used to be cool and then you got promoted.
- I'm still cool.
- Oh, really? When's the last time we took the tank and went down to Hansen's Point? Just the two of us? All right, all right, here's the plan.
We're gonna take a li-little nap, and then we're gonna wake up fresh as daisies.
Colonel, we're here to discuss the terms of your surrender.
Surrender? Never.
Hmm, let's see what your hangover has to say.
Great Cheney's Ghost! You win.
Colonel, I hope you've learned that an occupying foreign force can never defeat a determined local populace.
Among the many things we learned in Vietnam Horn, please.
Simpson, you may have won, but you still have to serve the remainder of your tour of duty.
All right, but no combat.
Don't you worry, ma'am.
A man of your husband's ingenuity can be put to very good use.
Dudes.
Want to make some extra spending money? Get a free pair of boots? Hey, baby, you like obstacle courses? Thinking it over, huh? I'm cool with that.
Hey, pal, like the way you handle that mop.
You like killing? Hey, ladies.
Are you tired of waiting for sanctions to work? I know I am.
Trad: Rassman, Gornack Corrections by XhmikosR