8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e06 Episode Script
Harriet Kemsley, Alan Carr, Catherine Tate, Adam Buxton
1 Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Alan Carr, Catherine Tate, Harriet Kemsley, Adam Buxton, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
If you've never seen the show before, basically we make comedians relive an anxiety dream about not having done their maths homework.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
Sean Lock, he looks like the inmate everyone calls the professor of Britain's hardest prison.
And Sean's team-mate, Harriet Kemsley.
Hi.
Harriet said she inherited her dad's massive head.
Of course, she would have preferred the house, but it does look nice on the mantelpiece.
Up against them this evening, guest team captain, Alan Carr.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE Alan might not be an expert on the correct use of punctuation, but there's not a lot you can teach him about what to do with a semi and a colon.
LAUGHTER And joining Alan tonight is Catherine Tate.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE One of Catherine's best loved characters is a curmudgeonly, moany old pensioner, an idea she nicked off Sean Lock.
Alan, I believe you've got a new hobby.
What, what is it? Me friends got me some scuba diving lessons.
Scuba diving lessons? Yeah, yeah, but, I got, the thing is I can't swim, that's the trouble.
So, not that good a friend, and because, in, uh, in Northampton, growing up, there wasn't any, like, swimming pools, they were like, just really minging, you know what I mean? They weren't even like swimming pools they were just like, sinkholes filled with bleach.
So many chemicals, if you did a length, you changed sex, do you know what I'm saying? Like swimming in a Cup a Soup, it was minging.
And obviously, I had psoriasis, so I never wanted to get in the water.
No, I did, I'd psoriasis! It's just, you know, the flaky skin? I got in a hot tub once, it was like fish food.
LAUGHTER Wow.
But, you know, that the scuba diving was really good.
But, you know, cos, have you ever put on a wet suit? - Yeah.
- Have you seen me in a wet suit? I look like a Teletubby at a funeral.
But I actually looked really elegant under the water.
I feel like in the future there'll be like dolphins booking holidays to swim with Alans.
Catherine, were you good at maths and English in school? Well, no.
Not really maths, and EnglishI was all right at English, but I actually got higher grades in French.
C'est bizarre, non? C'est bizarre.
SHE SPEAKS FRENCH You can do this in French if you want, you can have French words.
Well, I can also speak Spanish and I once got a really good Spanish word and they said no.
Who, who said no? Was it Susie Dent? Cos it's, it's an English dictionary.
Come on, let's move with the times, people.
We're so closed off in this country.
This programme needs to reach out.
That could be the clincher in the Brexit deal.
Exactly.
Can you imagine? We don't have the backstop, but we do French and Spanish words on Countdown.
Yes! OK, Harriet, what did you do before becoming a comedian? Well, before I did this, I used to work in a hospital, uh, saving lives, uh, thank you.
What was your, what was your specific job, doctor, nurse? Uh, admin.
But people would be so rude, right.
I don't know if anyone has been to a hospital recently, but you're very rude, right.
People used to ring up and they'd be like, oh, I didn't deal with anything serious, just a heads up, as you can imagine.
But people would ring up and they'd be like, "I'll be dead by the time "of that appointment!" To which I would be like, "OK, well, thank you for letting us know.
" Um, Sean, here's a question for you.
Is there anyone who owes you an apology, Sean? Ah, yes.
- Oh.
- Channel 4 owe me an apology.
Channel 4.
Because, uh, that show Naked Attraction, I know they nicked that from me.
LAUGHTER How did they nick that from you? Because I'd already gone to them with an idea for a show, it was for the Scottish regional one, a similar show, it was called Jock, Jock, Show Us Your Cock.
Oh! They've obviously refined it a bit.
Instead of a booth, my idea was that they stand in a garage and as the door opens, you get to see the legs and the head at the same time, and then OK, um, Harriet have you got a mascot? Yeah, so, I did very badly the last couple of times and I haven't had any praise, so I feel like I've just got to give myself praise.
Right, so I made myself some certificates.
So, this is my first certificate, for being a proud survivor - of chlamydia.
- LAUGHTER I survived! Do we have any other survivors in? Nice to see you again, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER I was doing a show in, in Wales, and I said, cos I like to talk about it, spread the message, there's no shame, and I said do we have any chlamydia Not the disease, spread the message.
.
.
no, not the disease, yes, just the message, yeah.
And I said, "Do we have any chlamydia survivors in?" And this woman said, "Woo!" And I went, "Oh and how long have you been clean for?" And she went, "Still got it!" And I was like, "How long have you had it for?" She was like, "Three years!" I said, "You can get antibiotics, you can clean it up.
" And she was like, "You can't drink on antibiotics!" So, that was the first one.
This is most teeth lost in one month.
I lost 3 teeth.
If this keeps up, I'm going to have minus 2 teeth by the end of the year.
Why did you lose your teeth? It was all separate visits, and two were, um, wisdom teeth and one was a faulty root canal that the dentist, he lost his, um, he lost his screw in my mouth.
Jimmy, go to work, go to work.
LAUGHTER Thank you, Sean.
You've just given Jimmy the tools for a symphony of knob gags.
LAUGHTER So, you just, what, it just fell out? It fell out, yeah, and then I went back another time and then they put a fake one in, and then they went to tighten it, but then they lost the screw to tighten it.
And so, then, we all had to get down on the floor, and then we're all looking for it, and they couldn't find it, and so, then, they just had to, patch it up.
And then, I left, and then I got home and, I still had the goggles on my forehead.
Harriet Kemsley, everyone.
Thank you.
Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
- Oh.
I've obviously been playing this game for quite a long time, played many, many, many rounds of high stakes, high level Countdown.
Huh-ho.
I'll tell you the bit that really drives you mad, is the bit of choosing the letters, and the numbers.
But you've got to do it, haven't you? - Got to do it.
- So, why don't we liven it up? So I thought, what about 8 out of 10 10 Cats does Countdown plays Darts.
So, introduce a darts element into Countdown.
So, the idea would be, instead of, uh, saying can I have a vowel or a consonant, you just throw a dart, and if it lands in one, for example, that's A.
And if it lands in 18 that's, another letter.
- I'm sure somebody'll know.
- It's "R".
And then, you know, your four, well, we all know that four is - "D".
- .
.
"D", very good.
So, let's make this easy for you, let's go to five, where's that? - What's that, then? - AUDIENCE: "E".
Oh, you think you're clever, do you? What happens if you get a bull's-eye? A bull's-eye, we don't have to play the game.
Sean's dartboard, everyone.
More of Sean's dart board later.
Catherine, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have got a mascot and it's fitting for my time on the show, because these are genuine medals that I got.
Oh, let's have a look, hold those up.
Not for winning, for taking part.
What, what did you take part in? Like a run-day, wasn't it? Looks like it's running.
Do you know what? I've started being like those pensioners on Dickinson's Real Deal, you know, through those slats, as you were holding them up, have you seen them, they go I've just looked, one's a gold and one's the silver! LAUGHTER I did really, I mean, really well taking part in that one.
Fascinating.
Alan, have you got a mascot? Well, it's not actually a mascot but I just - Well, I've got some news.
- Oh.
Um, you know a lot of people bring out spectacle ranges now.
You've got Kylie, Heston Blumenthal, Gok Wan, Rose West.
- Well, I thought - LAUGHTER I want to bring out my own range.
It's called, "Opticalan Illusions".
Oh! Sex sells, what can I say.
And I've got different glasses that are out, which I thought it'd be good to promote them.
- Are you interested in them? - Yeah, we are.
- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Wow.
Well, these-these are mock Tudor.
These are for, like, older faces.
LAUGHTER They're lovely.
Kevin McCloud has got six of these, absolutely loves them.
so that's nice, yeah.
- Mock Tudor glasses, beautiful.
- Yeah, lovely.
Now, who doesn't like having a dog lick their face? - No-one.
- No-one.
So here's my chipolata glasses.
LAUGHTER AND SOME GROANS Now this is made from real chipolata, 4% pork .
.
and the lovely 8 design shows off the eyes and the porky face.
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul.
- Do they? - Well, why not add the mystery of a betting shop? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now I love these, these are perfect for a date.
You know how hanging baskets make bungalows look nice? Why not make your face look nice, with these hanging basket glasses? Now these are just perfect if you're on a date, because they're also a talking point but they take your date's eyes away from your turkey neck and your erection.
And no more getting locked out, because underneath here, you can pop your key.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Lovely.
- Alan's glasses, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
And over in Dictionary Corner it's Adam Buxton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Adam lives with his family, and Rosie, their pet dog.
Small and hairy, with a tendency to hump your leg, Adam is a delight to have around.
Adam, what have you been up to since we last saw you? Oh, man, I got a big break recently.
Ah, I got a part in one of my favourite TV shows.
- Wow.
- Ah, Homeland.
A Channel 4 show.
There I am.
And I play the part of character called Paul, who is a man who has lost his phone charger and he can't find it and he thinks that it's part of some government conspiracy, and also, my scenes are all musical.
- Do you want to see a little bit? - I'd love to, yeah.
TINNY ELECTRO BEATS # Have you seen my phone charger # I left it right there # Did you see it? Have you got it? # Where's my charger gone # Where's my phone charger # The battery's about to die I left it on the table.
That's bullshit.
APPLAUSE Wow.
I mean And with Adam, of course, Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I bought Susie's latest book on Amazon.
It said, people who bought this book also liked: to send it straight back us.
Susie, what have you been up to lately? Um, I have been looking at something called lalochezia.
Have you heard of this? Which is, the use of swearing for pain relief, relief of stress, frustration, that kind of thing.
I've read about this.
Tell us more.
Yeah, cos there's lots of experiments.
We've already seen them whereby if you put your hand in freezing cold water you can keep it in for a lot longer if you're shouting "bollocks", or whatever, than if you're just holding it there silently.
I find it really useful in stressful situations.
Like sitting opposite you.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel is hugely talented, whether it's sticking letters on a board or wiping numbers off a board, Rachel's got it covered.
Rachel, it was World Maths Day recently.
How did you celebrate World Maths Day? I went to Leicester City Football Club, and did some Premier League stuff with some kids and the footballer Marc Albrighton, but better than that I worked out what I want to come back as once I'm dead - in the next life.
What do you want to come back as? Their groundskeeper has a cockapoo called Harley, who spends his day running between the sprinklers on the pitch, and once he's dived into the water, he's absolutely soaking wet, he goes and lies in the solar bit that keeps the grass growing.
That's the life I want.
How do you think you'll cope with the eating your own shit bit? LAUGHTER He looked happy enough, it works for him.
OK, the prize that you'll be competing for is this? The Countdown Cowboy Set.
MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # I just don't think he'd understand # And if you tell my heart # My achy breaky heart # He might blow up and kill this man Woo CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Do you know what it reminds me of? It's a bit like, have you ever seen a dog that's learnt to walk on two legs? And it's not quite sure what's going on? So, about a day's rehearsal for that? A week.
Will we ever see that again? - Yeah.
- Let's see some more, let's see some more.
Get him back, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # But don't tell my heart # My achy breaky heart # I just don't think he'd understand # And if you tell my heart The concentration in his eyes! .
.
# My achy breaky heart # He might blow up and kill this man Woo Not a natural dancer.
OK, a round of applause for Fabio.
How's that? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time for the first game.
Alan and Catherine, your pick of the letters.
Ladies first.
- We'll go for a consonant first.
- Yes.
S - Um, shall we have a couple of vowels? - Yes.
A U - Consonant, consonant.
- Yes, please.
V And couple of vowels.
E I Uh, what? A couple of consonants please, love.
R and P And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
YODELLING - # Do-do - # Do-do Do-do-do-do.
JIMMY QUIETLY BLOWS THROUGH ALPINE HORN LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE JIMMY RASPILY BLOWS THROUGH HORN HORN WHISTLES WEAKLY Thank you, yodellers.
APPLAUSE Would anyone like to blow my horn? - Do you want me to have a go? - You can have a go if you want.
- Cool.
I'll give that a clean for you.
Hang on.
- So what do you do then? - Well, I mean, I'm not great at it.
Oh, do you like? Let me.
NO NOISE EMITS LAUGHTER I can't do it with everyone looking! What you doing? What did you do? I want you to blow.
Urgh.
ALAN GIGGLES DOWN THE HORN LAUGHTER Urgh.
Try mooing into it, that makes Moo! Nice, yeah.
No, no.
APPLAUSE I think you're meant to suck? Don't.
I mean, you're welcome to have a go, Sean.
No, I'm fine thanks, Jimmy.
I think we've got enough comedy out of that.
OK, erm, Catherine, how many? I think I've got a six.
- OK, not great for the numbers round.
- It's seven! It's seven.
- Seven! - OK, Alan, OK.
I've got an eight.
Oh! That's good! You're on my team! Harriet, how many have you got? I've got an eight or a seven.
One, two, three, four, five seven.
I got a seven.
- No, that's an eight.
- No, eight! Eight.
OK.
Your dad has helped you with the homework but OK.
We'll allow it.
Sean? I've only got a seven.
OK, Catherine your seven.
I've never had a seven before.
And my seven is PRIVETS.
Good word.
Er, Sean, your 7? TRAIPSE - Nice.
- TRAIPSE Harriet, your eight? - PRIVATE - SEAN: Ssss! PRIVATES That's why it's an eight.
LAUGHTER She put that together herself? Yeah.
I'm so proud.
OK, Alan, your eight? And I had PRIVATES as well.
- He did and he got it very quickly, as well.
- Yeah, thank you.
It's what gave me the idea for PRIVETS if I'm honest.
Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? That was brilliant.
That was here, we have PRIVATES as well.
OK, so at the end of that both teams have eight points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean and Harriet, you get your pick of the numbers.
OK, what do we want? - Whatever you want? - OK, thanks, Dad.
It is nice.
Did you like that? You can pick any numbers you want but I'd say if you don't pick what Sean normally goes for, which is four small and two big, there'sthere tends to be a You do whatever you want.
That's how I brought you up.
- Two from the top.
- Two - Four from everywhere else.
- Yeah, yeah.
Please, Rachel.
Right the little ones.
2, 3, 8, 7, and the big ones - 75 and 100.
And the target OK, your time starts now.
The target was 285.
QUIET SNORING Don't wake Sean.
- Harriet.
- Yeah? Did you get it? What's 8 x 7? How did you not get this, Harriet? This is the easiest one we've ever done.
- Alan, did you get it? - No.
What?! LAUGHTER - How do you mean, "No"? - Why is it? It's the easiest one we've ever done.
Catherine, did you get it? Well, what I've done is, I've put some things down that I was going to say and see if it was right.
It's probably .
.
75 x 3 Why would you do that?! LAUGHTER Why would you do that? That's 225.
That's probably the only way that you could start to screw yourself over.
LAUGHTER Well, that's rich, coming from someone who wants to sit down under sprinklers and then get warm.
LAUGHTER OK, 2 x 100 2 x 100 - Yes! - 200 - SEAN: 75! - CATHERINE: + 75 Yeah.
Yeah, then you just need 5.
You take the 3 away from the 8.
- No, you need 10.
- No, you need 10.
What are you talking about, Sean?! You didn't do it! Well, Sean what's gone with?! But the 7 and the 3.
That's what I meant - the 7 and the 3! OK, that's the easiest maths round we've ever done, and no-one got any points.
Erm, OK, both teams still have 8 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are URINE PO The clue is - it's bubbling over.
That's URINE POT - it's bubbling over.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were URINE POT, the clue was - it's bubbling over.
It was of course ERUPTION.
OK, so both teams have eight points, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Alan.
OK, Sean, your turn to pick the letters.
I'd like to try out my new addition to the game.
LAUGHTER Well, this should be pretty simple.
Very straightforward.
You're all right there, Rachel, - don't worry, I'm very good at this.
- Right.
LAUGHTER Do you want me to say that bit like Bullseye? And one! LAUGHTER - I can do it if you want.
- Go on, Dad.
There's no way my kids are that supportive.
- Oh! Nine.
- What is it? Nine.
Which we all know is a B or something.
Here we go.
You like the way it livens the thing up? Everyone's having a great time, aren't they? Oh.
That's only 8 letters, that's good.
You can have another go with that if you want.
No, no, this is the rules, Jimmy.
It's my game! - We don't - Maybe that's just the joker.
No, there's no joker, Rachel.
Stop trying to get on the action on my new thing.
There we go, that's a 7, everyone knows that's a P or something like that.
Oh, there's a 6.
Keep up, Rachel.
I'm getting good now.
Oh, Rachel, double 7, whatever the fuck that is.
Oh, Rachel, getting a bit too hot for you.
I seem to be quite good at getting the same ones again and again.
So, it's two 7s, two 6s.
Anyone bothered to work out what that is? Yeah, two Gs and two Fs.
Two Gs and two Fs.
LAUGHTER An 8, what's an 8? - H.
- It's an H.
Could you get? Can you try and get some vowels? What do you mean try and get some? I'm playing darts.
Why does everyone just want to ruin this? What's that, 19? What's 19? I think Rachel's having a panic attack.
S.
S, 19.
There we go, look.
Come on, Rachel.
- That's easy, that's 11, which as we know - 11.
- .
.
all translates into - K.
- .
.
K, yeah.
- If it's any consolation, I've got figs.
Weve got seven letters.
Are we going for the? Oh, there you go.
17, and which, as everyone knows, is our favourite letter.
Oh.
Is it a Q? Yeah.
I think it is fair to say your number generation system has generated the worst set of letters we've ever seen on this show.
Well, we did get F, F, S which was kind of LAUGHTER - Q, there you go.
- You happy with that selection, Sean? Quick, quick! And your time starts now.
OVEN BELL DINGS Oh.
I love a bit of baking.
I made you a cake.
- Oh, that's amazing! - APPLAUSE Let me see.
Oh, wow! Oh, that's amazing.
Oh, my pleasure.
I've done you one as well, Sean, a lovely cake for your face, - there you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
APPLAUSE Why is it the same size as my actual head? It's to scale! Innit? Who wants a bit of me face? Do you want a bit of cake? - I'll have a bit of cake, yeah, lovely.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Fancy a bit of cake, love? - Yeah.
Or do you want some of your dad's cake? - Could you throw me a fork? Come on.
- Oh, look! - I'm being sick, look.
- No! - I've been sick.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, Sean! LAUGHTER And it's moving like a volcano, like the magma of a volcano.
You know that expression "my face has been sick"? - You didn't get any cake, did you? - No, I don't want any.
It looks like Alan's been in a terrible, terrible car accident.
And as for the cake.
LAUGHTER Alan, how many? Four.
Very creditable.
Sean, how many? Nine.
LAUGHTER - Alan, what is your four? - FIGS, I said it before.
Sean, what was your nine-letter word? HIGHIG.
It's a very difficult word to say.
HIGGFFQKS HIGGFFQKS LAUGHTER - HIGGFFQKS? - Yes.
And that is the rash you get from wearing a bandana too tight.
Four points to Alan! APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? - Susie's come up with a five, which is SKIFF.
- Wow! OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Harriet have 8 and Alan and Catherine have 12! Now it's time for Harriet and Catherine to go head-to-head.
Catherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Oh, God.
- What? Why are you asking me? - Because it's your turn to choose.
- Oh, well, then OK.
Two big ones and four little ones, please.
We have 3, 4, 4, 10, 25, and 50 and the target, OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 952.
Now, Harriet, I know you've been getting some help from your dad.
Did you get it? One off.
So, what number did you get? 951 but I can't remember how to get to it because Sean told me.
So, maybe I will remember when we come to it.
Maybe you will, maybe he'll tell you again super sneakily.
OK, Catherine, did you get it? - I don't know yet.
- Well, why would you, why, would you? - So, let's see if I got it.
- Let's see if you got it.
- This is what I think you'd do.
- Right.
You'd go 3 x 150.
No, you wouldn't! No, you wouldn't! You'd go 3 x 50 = 150 Yeah, that makes more sense.
3 x 50 = 150 Yeah.
And some other things.
Well, what would you do next? I'd probably go 4 x 4 = 16 Yep.
X 10 = 160.
= 160 - Then I'd add those together.
- Awesome.
= 310 And I don't think I've got enough numbers.
Harriet how did you get 951? So, if you have 50 and you times it by - Yep.
- .
.
another number - Yep.
- .
.
which is - Yeah, it's 25 x 4.
- .
.
25, oh.
25 x 4 = 100 - No, it's 250.
- No, 250.
- Then you times that by 4.
- Times that by 4 is - 1,000.
- .
.
1,000.
25 x 4 = 100.
Then take the 50 off and you add the .
.
minus the 4 and 3 and .
.
ey-up, what you got? LAUGHTER - 25 x 10.
- 25 x 10 = 250.
- Then you times that by 4 - 4, that's 1,000.
- .
.
that's 1,000.
- Then you take the 50 off.
I'm getting flashbacks.
1,000 and then what do I do? 4 - 3 It's just like being at school again.
.
.
is 1 and you add that on.
Yeah, there we go.
I've got it.
APPLAUSE Did I get it? Well, once again, no points to anyone.
Rachel, could it be done? Yes, but it was a tricky one.
- OK.
- There's a way.
I can say 25 x 10 = 250.
- Yeah.
- So, you were both really close.
- Yeah, and then And then 4 x 3 = 12 250 - 12 = 238 x 4 Oh.
APPLAUSE This is one of the all-time lowest scoring games of Countdown.
If you're watching at home and you're not doing as well as us You're probably facing the wrong way.
I think my cake face could have done better than me, to be honest.
# Midnight Not a sound from the pavement This is not the time to have a break down.
Memories TRAILING OFF LAUGHTER OK, so Sean and Harriet have 8, Alan and Catherine have 12.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Adam, what have you got for us? - Well, in the '80s I really enjoyed singing over some of my favourite adverts.
These are a couple of my favourite ones.
I'm going to use the microphone to actually sing it.
Are you guys ready in the audience? AUDIENCE CHEERS Madam in the front row, you've been avoiding my gaze.
Do you have a problem with gaze? LAUGHTER JINGLE STARTS # I have said that I regret # Watching so much shit on video cassette # I should have been out in the sun instead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life and now I'm dead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life and now I'm dead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life and now I'm dead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life! CHEERING That is going to be perfect for your obituary, as well.
Well, exactly.
That's going to be a useful bit of footage for my family after I'm gone.
Now you remember this guy, yes? Oh, this guy.
This guy.
This guy is the best smelling guy in the 1980s because he used toiletries.
Like, there was the whole range and it would do everything you needed to do to your body.
And anyway, this is the sort of more honest version of the lyrics for you.
# In the morning I would cover myself # With things that smelt of shit # I smelt so shit that in the office my computer wouldn't work # Insignia # I'm naked # They have things for my head and also for my tits # I smell so fantastic now that everybody wants to fuck me # Including my computer # I'm going to put my cock in the floppy drive.
Insignia! Ugh! Thank you.
CHEERING Adam Buxton, everyone.
OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and Harriet have 9 points, Alan and Catherine have 12.
And here's your teaser.
The words are HOT PENIS, and the clue is - it can't be real.
That's HOT PENIS, it can't be real.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HOT PENIS, the clue was, "It can't be real.
" It was, of course, phoniest.
OK, on with the game.
Alan, Catherine, - your turn to choose the letters.
- Right, OK.
Four consonants.
C N - And B.
- Lovely.
I'll have three vowels, please, love.
- E.
- That's good.
- A.
- Mm.
- O.
- Mm, I like.
Mm.
- Yeah? LAUGHTER - Erm, couple of consonants, love? - Yes.
L - S.
- Ooh, OK.
And your time starts now.
So, Alan, how many? I've only got five.
Catherine, how many? For the sake of argument, I'm going to say four.
- Four, you think? - Actually, I could have a six.
- You've got a six, you think? OK.
- Oh, no.
No, I haven't, no.
- Oh, I've got a six now.
- What?! - Can I go for six? - Yeah, go for six.
- No.
No, he can't.
You've been telling her all the bloody letterall the numbers! But, no, he didn't let me have the points.
- Harriet, your dad's really grumpy.
- I take this game very seriously.
You need to calm down.
Think of what Mum would say.
LAUGHTER - What have I got, is that the question? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- How many? - Loads of different fives.
OK, Sean, how many? Six.
- OK.
- Unlike Alan who only got five.
No, but I've got a seven now.
No, you haven't, cos it's in the 30 seconds.
Oh, all right, all right.
Can I do my five, six and seven to show off? Go on.
Actually, we'll have Catherine first.
Catherine, what was your four? - STAB.
- Stab? - Lovely.
Lovely.
- OK.
Harriet, your five.
Uh, I've got BEANS.
- Oh, right.
- I've got a nine.
- Oh.
- Alan, let's have your five, six and seven.
My five is BEAST, my six is STABLE .
.
but my seven is BEACONS.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Alan Carr, everyone.
Thank you.
Sean, your nine, and I will allow it if it's a nine.
- CONSTABLE.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Nine! Nine letters.
Sean Lock, everyone.
- Oh, my - 18 points.
CHEERING CONSTABLE.
"But I don't think you did it in the 30 seconds.
" - I'll give you seven points as well.
- Ye-e-e-es! You're at a real disadvantage if you get asked first.
Being with you is a disadvantage.
LAUGHTER At the end of that, Sean and Harriet are in the lead with 26 points.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
- Adam, what have you got for us? - Jimmy, we are going to the movies.
- Oh, fabulous.
- And, of course, when you go to the movies, it's very important to read the reviews - for the cinema you're going to visit.
- Sure.
Well, here's some genuine reviews for Cineworld in Bristol.
So this might be useful if you're going to Bristol.
And Lewis M - first of all, he's a local guide - gives the Bristol Cineworld three stars out of five, and says, "Decent cinema.
Caters well for cinema goers.
" That is useful info.
Another local guide, Rory this time, gives a 5-star review - wow - and also offers a valuable service.
"Have found the experience here is fairly dependent "on what film you go to see.
"When the film's been good, I've had a great time, "and I can't think of anywhere else I'd like to be.
"When the film has been a stinker, "have sometimes had to close my eyes "and really thought about the comfort of the seat "to get anything out of my time here.
"In this regard, I'm happy to advise you.
"So feel free to send me what you're thinking of seeing, "and I can give it a quick thumbs up or down, "but please note this will be purely on gut instinct from the title, "and does not mean I have seen the film "or even have a clue what it's about.
" LAUGHTER That's useful stuff.
DonnyTime123, only a two-star review.
I don't know what's gone wrong for DonnyTime.
Let's find out.
"Their seats are a little bit fine ".
.
but it would be good if there ".
.
pillow steats.
" LAUGHTER Finally, Nobsai gives a five-star thumbs up and says, "Sexy staff.
I get moister than an oyster going there.
" Adam Branson, everyone.
The scores at the moment - Alan and Catherine have 19, Sean and Harriet are in the lead with 26.
And here is your final teaser - The words are ARSE POET, the clue is, "Handle with care.
" That's ARSE POET, handle with care.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ARSE POET, the clue was, "Handle with care.
" It was, of course, OPERATES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Harriet, your turn to choose.
Please could we have three vowels? A, I, U.
Thank you.
Four consonants.
- W, D.
- Oh, dear.
- J.
- Started so confident.
- H.
- This is terrible.
- One of each, one of each.
- Yeah, thank you.
- E.
D OK, and your 30 seconds starts .
.
now.
I wonder how you're going to Oh, hang on.
OK.
I mean, good luck with that.
Oh, are you? Whoa, hang on.
Hey.
Oh.
Slow down.
Ah! GASPING, LAUGHTER I don't know what happened then.
- Catherine, how many? - Five.
- Harriet, how many? - Four.
- I think I might actually be stuck up here.
- How many? - Four.
- Oh, Sean, how many? - Five.
- Five, OK.
Alan, how many? - Five.
I'll get down.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Oh! No, I'm all right.
What's your word, Sean? - JADED.
- Jaded, excellent.
OK, Harriet, what's your word? HEAD OK.
Catherine? JAWED OK, jawed.
Alan, your five? ADIEU Susie, is ADIEU in the dictionary? Er, it is in the dictionary.
Well, five points to both teams! Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better? Um, no, five was the best that we could do, too.
OK, so Alan and Catherine have 24, Sean and Harriet have 31.
It's going to be a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Harriet, if you get this Well, you're not going to get this, - but if you - She might get it.
I might get it, but we're not worried about winning, it's just about spending quality time with my dad.
Quality time, yeah.
Where do you live? LAUGHTER OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
- Oh! - Oh, hello.
- BUZZER - Catherine Tate.
- Is it? No.
I was going to say LAUGHTER OK.
BUZZER Sean? DANGEROUS Yes, it is.
APPLAUSE He got the conundrum and a nine.
He's on fire! So the final scores are - Alan and Catherine have 24, but the winners tonight, Sean and Harriet, have 41! Congratulations to Sean and Harriet, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown Cowboy Set.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!
A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
If you've never seen the show before, basically we make comedians relive an anxiety dream about not having done their maths homework.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
Sean Lock, he looks like the inmate everyone calls the professor of Britain's hardest prison.
And Sean's team-mate, Harriet Kemsley.
Hi.
Harriet said she inherited her dad's massive head.
Of course, she would have preferred the house, but it does look nice on the mantelpiece.
Up against them this evening, guest team captain, Alan Carr.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE Alan might not be an expert on the correct use of punctuation, but there's not a lot you can teach him about what to do with a semi and a colon.
LAUGHTER And joining Alan tonight is Catherine Tate.
CHEERING & APPLAUSE One of Catherine's best loved characters is a curmudgeonly, moany old pensioner, an idea she nicked off Sean Lock.
Alan, I believe you've got a new hobby.
What, what is it? Me friends got me some scuba diving lessons.
Scuba diving lessons? Yeah, yeah, but, I got, the thing is I can't swim, that's the trouble.
So, not that good a friend, and because, in, uh, in Northampton, growing up, there wasn't any, like, swimming pools, they were like, just really minging, you know what I mean? They weren't even like swimming pools they were just like, sinkholes filled with bleach.
So many chemicals, if you did a length, you changed sex, do you know what I'm saying? Like swimming in a Cup a Soup, it was minging.
And obviously, I had psoriasis, so I never wanted to get in the water.
No, I did, I'd psoriasis! It's just, you know, the flaky skin? I got in a hot tub once, it was like fish food.
LAUGHTER Wow.
But, you know, that the scuba diving was really good.
But, you know, cos, have you ever put on a wet suit? - Yeah.
- Have you seen me in a wet suit? I look like a Teletubby at a funeral.
But I actually looked really elegant under the water.
I feel like in the future there'll be like dolphins booking holidays to swim with Alans.
Catherine, were you good at maths and English in school? Well, no.
Not really maths, and EnglishI was all right at English, but I actually got higher grades in French.
C'est bizarre, non? C'est bizarre.
SHE SPEAKS FRENCH You can do this in French if you want, you can have French words.
Well, I can also speak Spanish and I once got a really good Spanish word and they said no.
Who, who said no? Was it Susie Dent? Cos it's, it's an English dictionary.
Come on, let's move with the times, people.
We're so closed off in this country.
This programme needs to reach out.
That could be the clincher in the Brexit deal.
Exactly.
Can you imagine? We don't have the backstop, but we do French and Spanish words on Countdown.
Yes! OK, Harriet, what did you do before becoming a comedian? Well, before I did this, I used to work in a hospital, uh, saving lives, uh, thank you.
What was your, what was your specific job, doctor, nurse? Uh, admin.
But people would be so rude, right.
I don't know if anyone has been to a hospital recently, but you're very rude, right.
People used to ring up and they'd be like, oh, I didn't deal with anything serious, just a heads up, as you can imagine.
But people would ring up and they'd be like, "I'll be dead by the time "of that appointment!" To which I would be like, "OK, well, thank you for letting us know.
" Um, Sean, here's a question for you.
Is there anyone who owes you an apology, Sean? Ah, yes.
- Oh.
- Channel 4 owe me an apology.
Channel 4.
Because, uh, that show Naked Attraction, I know they nicked that from me.
LAUGHTER How did they nick that from you? Because I'd already gone to them with an idea for a show, it was for the Scottish regional one, a similar show, it was called Jock, Jock, Show Us Your Cock.
Oh! They've obviously refined it a bit.
Instead of a booth, my idea was that they stand in a garage and as the door opens, you get to see the legs and the head at the same time, and then OK, um, Harriet have you got a mascot? Yeah, so, I did very badly the last couple of times and I haven't had any praise, so I feel like I've just got to give myself praise.
Right, so I made myself some certificates.
So, this is my first certificate, for being a proud survivor - of chlamydia.
- LAUGHTER I survived! Do we have any other survivors in? Nice to see you again, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER I was doing a show in, in Wales, and I said, cos I like to talk about it, spread the message, there's no shame, and I said do we have any chlamydia Not the disease, spread the message.
.
.
no, not the disease, yes, just the message, yeah.
And I said, "Do we have any chlamydia survivors in?" And this woman said, "Woo!" And I went, "Oh and how long have you been clean for?" And she went, "Still got it!" And I was like, "How long have you had it for?" She was like, "Three years!" I said, "You can get antibiotics, you can clean it up.
" And she was like, "You can't drink on antibiotics!" So, that was the first one.
This is most teeth lost in one month.
I lost 3 teeth.
If this keeps up, I'm going to have minus 2 teeth by the end of the year.
Why did you lose your teeth? It was all separate visits, and two were, um, wisdom teeth and one was a faulty root canal that the dentist, he lost his, um, he lost his screw in my mouth.
Jimmy, go to work, go to work.
LAUGHTER Thank you, Sean.
You've just given Jimmy the tools for a symphony of knob gags.
LAUGHTER So, you just, what, it just fell out? It fell out, yeah, and then I went back another time and then they put a fake one in, and then they went to tighten it, but then they lost the screw to tighten it.
And so, then, we all had to get down on the floor, and then we're all looking for it, and they couldn't find it, and so, then, they just had to, patch it up.
And then, I left, and then I got home and, I still had the goggles on my forehead.
Harriet Kemsley, everyone.
Thank you.
Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
- Oh.
I've obviously been playing this game for quite a long time, played many, many, many rounds of high stakes, high level Countdown.
Huh-ho.
I'll tell you the bit that really drives you mad, is the bit of choosing the letters, and the numbers.
But you've got to do it, haven't you? - Got to do it.
- So, why don't we liven it up? So I thought, what about 8 out of 10 10 Cats does Countdown plays Darts.
So, introduce a darts element into Countdown.
So, the idea would be, instead of, uh, saying can I have a vowel or a consonant, you just throw a dart, and if it lands in one, for example, that's A.
And if it lands in 18 that's, another letter.
- I'm sure somebody'll know.
- It's "R".
And then, you know, your four, well, we all know that four is - "D".
- .
.
"D", very good.
So, let's make this easy for you, let's go to five, where's that? - What's that, then? - AUDIENCE: "E".
Oh, you think you're clever, do you? What happens if you get a bull's-eye? A bull's-eye, we don't have to play the game.
Sean's dartboard, everyone.
More of Sean's dart board later.
Catherine, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have got a mascot and it's fitting for my time on the show, because these are genuine medals that I got.
Oh, let's have a look, hold those up.
Not for winning, for taking part.
What, what did you take part in? Like a run-day, wasn't it? Looks like it's running.
Do you know what? I've started being like those pensioners on Dickinson's Real Deal, you know, through those slats, as you were holding them up, have you seen them, they go I've just looked, one's a gold and one's the silver! LAUGHTER I did really, I mean, really well taking part in that one.
Fascinating.
Alan, have you got a mascot? Well, it's not actually a mascot but I just - Well, I've got some news.
- Oh.
Um, you know a lot of people bring out spectacle ranges now.
You've got Kylie, Heston Blumenthal, Gok Wan, Rose West.
- Well, I thought - LAUGHTER I want to bring out my own range.
It's called, "Opticalan Illusions".
Oh! Sex sells, what can I say.
And I've got different glasses that are out, which I thought it'd be good to promote them.
- Are you interested in them? - Yeah, we are.
- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Wow.
Well, these-these are mock Tudor.
These are for, like, older faces.
LAUGHTER They're lovely.
Kevin McCloud has got six of these, absolutely loves them.
so that's nice, yeah.
- Mock Tudor glasses, beautiful.
- Yeah, lovely.
Now, who doesn't like having a dog lick their face? - No-one.
- No-one.
So here's my chipolata glasses.
LAUGHTER AND SOME GROANS Now this is made from real chipolata, 4% pork .
.
and the lovely 8 design shows off the eyes and the porky face.
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul.
- Do they? - Well, why not add the mystery of a betting shop? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now I love these, these are perfect for a date.
You know how hanging baskets make bungalows look nice? Why not make your face look nice, with these hanging basket glasses? Now these are just perfect if you're on a date, because they're also a talking point but they take your date's eyes away from your turkey neck and your erection.
And no more getting locked out, because underneath here, you can pop your key.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Lovely.
- Alan's glasses, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
And over in Dictionary Corner it's Adam Buxton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Adam lives with his family, and Rosie, their pet dog.
Small and hairy, with a tendency to hump your leg, Adam is a delight to have around.
Adam, what have you been up to since we last saw you? Oh, man, I got a big break recently.
Ah, I got a part in one of my favourite TV shows.
- Wow.
- Ah, Homeland.
A Channel 4 show.
There I am.
And I play the part of character called Paul, who is a man who has lost his phone charger and he can't find it and he thinks that it's part of some government conspiracy, and also, my scenes are all musical.
- Do you want to see a little bit? - I'd love to, yeah.
TINNY ELECTRO BEATS # Have you seen my phone charger # I left it right there # Did you see it? Have you got it? # Where's my charger gone # Where's my phone charger # The battery's about to die I left it on the table.
That's bullshit.
APPLAUSE Wow.
I mean And with Adam, of course, Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I bought Susie's latest book on Amazon.
It said, people who bought this book also liked: to send it straight back us.
Susie, what have you been up to lately? Um, I have been looking at something called lalochezia.
Have you heard of this? Which is, the use of swearing for pain relief, relief of stress, frustration, that kind of thing.
I've read about this.
Tell us more.
Yeah, cos there's lots of experiments.
We've already seen them whereby if you put your hand in freezing cold water you can keep it in for a lot longer if you're shouting "bollocks", or whatever, than if you're just holding it there silently.
I find it really useful in stressful situations.
Like sitting opposite you.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel is hugely talented, whether it's sticking letters on a board or wiping numbers off a board, Rachel's got it covered.
Rachel, it was World Maths Day recently.
How did you celebrate World Maths Day? I went to Leicester City Football Club, and did some Premier League stuff with some kids and the footballer Marc Albrighton, but better than that I worked out what I want to come back as once I'm dead - in the next life.
What do you want to come back as? Their groundskeeper has a cockapoo called Harley, who spends his day running between the sprinklers on the pitch, and once he's dived into the water, he's absolutely soaking wet, he goes and lies in the solar bit that keeps the grass growing.
That's the life I want.
How do you think you'll cope with the eating your own shit bit? LAUGHTER He looked happy enough, it works for him.
OK, the prize that you'll be competing for is this? The Countdown Cowboy Set.
MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # I just don't think he'd understand # And if you tell my heart # My achy breaky heart # He might blow up and kill this man Woo CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Do you know what it reminds me of? It's a bit like, have you ever seen a dog that's learnt to walk on two legs? And it's not quite sure what's going on? So, about a day's rehearsal for that? A week.
Will we ever see that again? - Yeah.
- Let's see some more, let's see some more.
Get him back, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # But don't tell my heart # My achy breaky heart # I just don't think he'd understand # And if you tell my heart The concentration in his eyes! .
.
# My achy breaky heart # He might blow up and kill this man Woo Not a natural dancer.
OK, a round of applause for Fabio.
How's that? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time for the first game.
Alan and Catherine, your pick of the letters.
Ladies first.
- We'll go for a consonant first.
- Yes.
S - Um, shall we have a couple of vowels? - Yes.
A U - Consonant, consonant.
- Yes, please.
V And couple of vowels.
E I Uh, what? A couple of consonants please, love.
R and P And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
YODELLING - # Do-do - # Do-do Do-do-do-do.
JIMMY QUIETLY BLOWS THROUGH ALPINE HORN LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE JIMMY RASPILY BLOWS THROUGH HORN HORN WHISTLES WEAKLY Thank you, yodellers.
APPLAUSE Would anyone like to blow my horn? - Do you want me to have a go? - You can have a go if you want.
- Cool.
I'll give that a clean for you.
Hang on.
- So what do you do then? - Well, I mean, I'm not great at it.
Oh, do you like? Let me.
NO NOISE EMITS LAUGHTER I can't do it with everyone looking! What you doing? What did you do? I want you to blow.
Urgh.
ALAN GIGGLES DOWN THE HORN LAUGHTER Urgh.
Try mooing into it, that makes Moo! Nice, yeah.
No, no.
APPLAUSE I think you're meant to suck? Don't.
I mean, you're welcome to have a go, Sean.
No, I'm fine thanks, Jimmy.
I think we've got enough comedy out of that.
OK, erm, Catherine, how many? I think I've got a six.
- OK, not great for the numbers round.
- It's seven! It's seven.
- Seven! - OK, Alan, OK.
I've got an eight.
Oh! That's good! You're on my team! Harriet, how many have you got? I've got an eight or a seven.
One, two, three, four, five seven.
I got a seven.
- No, that's an eight.
- No, eight! Eight.
OK.
Your dad has helped you with the homework but OK.
We'll allow it.
Sean? I've only got a seven.
OK, Catherine your seven.
I've never had a seven before.
And my seven is PRIVETS.
Good word.
Er, Sean, your 7? TRAIPSE - Nice.
- TRAIPSE Harriet, your eight? - PRIVATE - SEAN: Ssss! PRIVATES That's why it's an eight.
LAUGHTER She put that together herself? Yeah.
I'm so proud.
OK, Alan, your eight? And I had PRIVATES as well.
- He did and he got it very quickly, as well.
- Yeah, thank you.
It's what gave me the idea for PRIVETS if I'm honest.
Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? That was brilliant.
That was here, we have PRIVATES as well.
OK, so at the end of that both teams have eight points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean and Harriet, you get your pick of the numbers.
OK, what do we want? - Whatever you want? - OK, thanks, Dad.
It is nice.
Did you like that? You can pick any numbers you want but I'd say if you don't pick what Sean normally goes for, which is four small and two big, there'sthere tends to be a You do whatever you want.
That's how I brought you up.
- Two from the top.
- Two - Four from everywhere else.
- Yeah, yeah.
Please, Rachel.
Right the little ones.
2, 3, 8, 7, and the big ones - 75 and 100.
And the target OK, your time starts now.
The target was 285.
QUIET SNORING Don't wake Sean.
- Harriet.
- Yeah? Did you get it? What's 8 x 7? How did you not get this, Harriet? This is the easiest one we've ever done.
- Alan, did you get it? - No.
What?! LAUGHTER - How do you mean, "No"? - Why is it? It's the easiest one we've ever done.
Catherine, did you get it? Well, what I've done is, I've put some things down that I was going to say and see if it was right.
It's probably .
.
75 x 3 Why would you do that?! LAUGHTER Why would you do that? That's 225.
That's probably the only way that you could start to screw yourself over.
LAUGHTER Well, that's rich, coming from someone who wants to sit down under sprinklers and then get warm.
LAUGHTER OK, 2 x 100 2 x 100 - Yes! - 200 - SEAN: 75! - CATHERINE: + 75 Yeah.
Yeah, then you just need 5.
You take the 3 away from the 8.
- No, you need 10.
- No, you need 10.
What are you talking about, Sean?! You didn't do it! Well, Sean what's gone with?! But the 7 and the 3.
That's what I meant - the 7 and the 3! OK, that's the easiest maths round we've ever done, and no-one got any points.
Erm, OK, both teams still have 8 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are URINE PO The clue is - it's bubbling over.
That's URINE POT - it's bubbling over.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were URINE POT, the clue was - it's bubbling over.
It was of course ERUPTION.
OK, so both teams have eight points, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Alan.
OK, Sean, your turn to pick the letters.
I'd like to try out my new addition to the game.
LAUGHTER Well, this should be pretty simple.
Very straightforward.
You're all right there, Rachel, - don't worry, I'm very good at this.
- Right.
LAUGHTER Do you want me to say that bit like Bullseye? And one! LAUGHTER - I can do it if you want.
- Go on, Dad.
There's no way my kids are that supportive.
- Oh! Nine.
- What is it? Nine.
Which we all know is a B or something.
Here we go.
You like the way it livens the thing up? Everyone's having a great time, aren't they? Oh.
That's only 8 letters, that's good.
You can have another go with that if you want.
No, no, this is the rules, Jimmy.
It's my game! - We don't - Maybe that's just the joker.
No, there's no joker, Rachel.
Stop trying to get on the action on my new thing.
There we go, that's a 7, everyone knows that's a P or something like that.
Oh, there's a 6.
Keep up, Rachel.
I'm getting good now.
Oh, Rachel, double 7, whatever the fuck that is.
Oh, Rachel, getting a bit too hot for you.
I seem to be quite good at getting the same ones again and again.
So, it's two 7s, two 6s.
Anyone bothered to work out what that is? Yeah, two Gs and two Fs.
Two Gs and two Fs.
LAUGHTER An 8, what's an 8? - H.
- It's an H.
Could you get? Can you try and get some vowels? What do you mean try and get some? I'm playing darts.
Why does everyone just want to ruin this? What's that, 19? What's 19? I think Rachel's having a panic attack.
S.
S, 19.
There we go, look.
Come on, Rachel.
- That's easy, that's 11, which as we know - 11.
- .
.
all translates into - K.
- .
.
K, yeah.
- If it's any consolation, I've got figs.
Weve got seven letters.
Are we going for the? Oh, there you go.
17, and which, as everyone knows, is our favourite letter.
Oh.
Is it a Q? Yeah.
I think it is fair to say your number generation system has generated the worst set of letters we've ever seen on this show.
Well, we did get F, F, S which was kind of LAUGHTER - Q, there you go.
- You happy with that selection, Sean? Quick, quick! And your time starts now.
OVEN BELL DINGS Oh.
I love a bit of baking.
I made you a cake.
- Oh, that's amazing! - APPLAUSE Let me see.
Oh, wow! Oh, that's amazing.
Oh, my pleasure.
I've done you one as well, Sean, a lovely cake for your face, - there you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
APPLAUSE Why is it the same size as my actual head? It's to scale! Innit? Who wants a bit of me face? Do you want a bit of cake? - I'll have a bit of cake, yeah, lovely.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Fancy a bit of cake, love? - Yeah.
Or do you want some of your dad's cake? - Could you throw me a fork? Come on.
- Oh, look! - I'm being sick, look.
- No! - I've been sick.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, Sean! LAUGHTER And it's moving like a volcano, like the magma of a volcano.
You know that expression "my face has been sick"? - You didn't get any cake, did you? - No, I don't want any.
It looks like Alan's been in a terrible, terrible car accident.
And as for the cake.
LAUGHTER Alan, how many? Four.
Very creditable.
Sean, how many? Nine.
LAUGHTER - Alan, what is your four? - FIGS, I said it before.
Sean, what was your nine-letter word? HIGHIG.
It's a very difficult word to say.
HIGGFFQKS HIGGFFQKS LAUGHTER - HIGGFFQKS? - Yes.
And that is the rash you get from wearing a bandana too tight.
Four points to Alan! APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? - Susie's come up with a five, which is SKIFF.
- Wow! OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Harriet have 8 and Alan and Catherine have 12! Now it's time for Harriet and Catherine to go head-to-head.
Catherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Oh, God.
- What? Why are you asking me? - Because it's your turn to choose.
- Oh, well, then OK.
Two big ones and four little ones, please.
We have 3, 4, 4, 10, 25, and 50 and the target, OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 952.
Now, Harriet, I know you've been getting some help from your dad.
Did you get it? One off.
So, what number did you get? 951 but I can't remember how to get to it because Sean told me.
So, maybe I will remember when we come to it.
Maybe you will, maybe he'll tell you again super sneakily.
OK, Catherine, did you get it? - I don't know yet.
- Well, why would you, why, would you? - So, let's see if I got it.
- Let's see if you got it.
- This is what I think you'd do.
- Right.
You'd go 3 x 150.
No, you wouldn't! No, you wouldn't! You'd go 3 x 50 = 150 Yeah, that makes more sense.
3 x 50 = 150 Yeah.
And some other things.
Well, what would you do next? I'd probably go 4 x 4 = 16 Yep.
X 10 = 160.
= 160 - Then I'd add those together.
- Awesome.
= 310 And I don't think I've got enough numbers.
Harriet how did you get 951? So, if you have 50 and you times it by - Yep.
- .
.
another number - Yep.
- .
.
which is - Yeah, it's 25 x 4.
- .
.
25, oh.
25 x 4 = 100 - No, it's 250.
- No, 250.
- Then you times that by 4.
- Times that by 4 is - 1,000.
- .
.
1,000.
25 x 4 = 100.
Then take the 50 off and you add the .
.
minus the 4 and 3 and .
.
ey-up, what you got? LAUGHTER - 25 x 10.
- 25 x 10 = 250.
- Then you times that by 4 - 4, that's 1,000.
- .
.
that's 1,000.
- Then you take the 50 off.
I'm getting flashbacks.
1,000 and then what do I do? 4 - 3 It's just like being at school again.
.
.
is 1 and you add that on.
Yeah, there we go.
I've got it.
APPLAUSE Did I get it? Well, once again, no points to anyone.
Rachel, could it be done? Yes, but it was a tricky one.
- OK.
- There's a way.
I can say 25 x 10 = 250.
- Yeah.
- So, you were both really close.
- Yeah, and then And then 4 x 3 = 12 250 - 12 = 238 x 4 Oh.
APPLAUSE This is one of the all-time lowest scoring games of Countdown.
If you're watching at home and you're not doing as well as us You're probably facing the wrong way.
I think my cake face could have done better than me, to be honest.
# Midnight Not a sound from the pavement This is not the time to have a break down.
Memories TRAILING OFF LAUGHTER OK, so Sean and Harriet have 8, Alan and Catherine have 12.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Adam, what have you got for us? - Well, in the '80s I really enjoyed singing over some of my favourite adverts.
These are a couple of my favourite ones.
I'm going to use the microphone to actually sing it.
Are you guys ready in the audience? AUDIENCE CHEERS Madam in the front row, you've been avoiding my gaze.
Do you have a problem with gaze? LAUGHTER JINGLE STARTS # I have said that I regret # Watching so much shit on video cassette # I should have been out in the sun instead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life and now I'm dead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life and now I'm dead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life and now I'm dead # I wasted my life and now I'm dead I wasted my life! CHEERING That is going to be perfect for your obituary, as well.
Well, exactly.
That's going to be a useful bit of footage for my family after I'm gone.
Now you remember this guy, yes? Oh, this guy.
This guy.
This guy is the best smelling guy in the 1980s because he used toiletries.
Like, there was the whole range and it would do everything you needed to do to your body.
And anyway, this is the sort of more honest version of the lyrics for you.
# In the morning I would cover myself # With things that smelt of shit # I smelt so shit that in the office my computer wouldn't work # Insignia # I'm naked # They have things for my head and also for my tits # I smell so fantastic now that everybody wants to fuck me # Including my computer # I'm going to put my cock in the floppy drive.
Insignia! Ugh! Thank you.
CHEERING Adam Buxton, everyone.
OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and Harriet have 9 points, Alan and Catherine have 12.
And here's your teaser.
The words are HOT PENIS, and the clue is - it can't be real.
That's HOT PENIS, it can't be real.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HOT PENIS, the clue was, "It can't be real.
" It was, of course, phoniest.
OK, on with the game.
Alan, Catherine, - your turn to choose the letters.
- Right, OK.
Four consonants.
C N - And B.
- Lovely.
I'll have three vowels, please, love.
- E.
- That's good.
- A.
- Mm.
- O.
- Mm, I like.
Mm.
- Yeah? LAUGHTER - Erm, couple of consonants, love? - Yes.
L - S.
- Ooh, OK.
And your time starts now.
So, Alan, how many? I've only got five.
Catherine, how many? For the sake of argument, I'm going to say four.
- Four, you think? - Actually, I could have a six.
- You've got a six, you think? OK.
- Oh, no.
No, I haven't, no.
- Oh, I've got a six now.
- What?! - Can I go for six? - Yeah, go for six.
- No.
No, he can't.
You've been telling her all the bloody letterall the numbers! But, no, he didn't let me have the points.
- Harriet, your dad's really grumpy.
- I take this game very seriously.
You need to calm down.
Think of what Mum would say.
LAUGHTER - What have I got, is that the question? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- How many? - Loads of different fives.
OK, Sean, how many? Six.
- OK.
- Unlike Alan who only got five.
No, but I've got a seven now.
No, you haven't, cos it's in the 30 seconds.
Oh, all right, all right.
Can I do my five, six and seven to show off? Go on.
Actually, we'll have Catherine first.
Catherine, what was your four? - STAB.
- Stab? - Lovely.
Lovely.
- OK.
Harriet, your five.
Uh, I've got BEANS.
- Oh, right.
- I've got a nine.
- Oh.
- Alan, let's have your five, six and seven.
My five is BEAST, my six is STABLE .
.
but my seven is BEACONS.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Alan Carr, everyone.
Thank you.
Sean, your nine, and I will allow it if it's a nine.
- CONSTABLE.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Nine! Nine letters.
Sean Lock, everyone.
- Oh, my - 18 points.
CHEERING CONSTABLE.
"But I don't think you did it in the 30 seconds.
" - I'll give you seven points as well.
- Ye-e-e-es! You're at a real disadvantage if you get asked first.
Being with you is a disadvantage.
LAUGHTER At the end of that, Sean and Harriet are in the lead with 26 points.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
- Adam, what have you got for us? - Jimmy, we are going to the movies.
- Oh, fabulous.
- And, of course, when you go to the movies, it's very important to read the reviews - for the cinema you're going to visit.
- Sure.
Well, here's some genuine reviews for Cineworld in Bristol.
So this might be useful if you're going to Bristol.
And Lewis M - first of all, he's a local guide - gives the Bristol Cineworld three stars out of five, and says, "Decent cinema.
Caters well for cinema goers.
" That is useful info.
Another local guide, Rory this time, gives a 5-star review - wow - and also offers a valuable service.
"Have found the experience here is fairly dependent "on what film you go to see.
"When the film's been good, I've had a great time, "and I can't think of anywhere else I'd like to be.
"When the film has been a stinker, "have sometimes had to close my eyes "and really thought about the comfort of the seat "to get anything out of my time here.
"In this regard, I'm happy to advise you.
"So feel free to send me what you're thinking of seeing, "and I can give it a quick thumbs up or down, "but please note this will be purely on gut instinct from the title, "and does not mean I have seen the film "or even have a clue what it's about.
" LAUGHTER That's useful stuff.
DonnyTime123, only a two-star review.
I don't know what's gone wrong for DonnyTime.
Let's find out.
"Their seats are a little bit fine ".
.
but it would be good if there ".
.
pillow steats.
" LAUGHTER Finally, Nobsai gives a five-star thumbs up and says, "Sexy staff.
I get moister than an oyster going there.
" Adam Branson, everyone.
The scores at the moment - Alan and Catherine have 19, Sean and Harriet are in the lead with 26.
And here is your final teaser - The words are ARSE POET, the clue is, "Handle with care.
" That's ARSE POET, handle with care.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ARSE POET, the clue was, "Handle with care.
" It was, of course, OPERATES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Harriet, your turn to choose.
Please could we have three vowels? A, I, U.
Thank you.
Four consonants.
- W, D.
- Oh, dear.
- J.
- Started so confident.
- H.
- This is terrible.
- One of each, one of each.
- Yeah, thank you.
- E.
D OK, and your 30 seconds starts .
.
now.
I wonder how you're going to Oh, hang on.
OK.
I mean, good luck with that.
Oh, are you? Whoa, hang on.
Hey.
Oh.
Slow down.
Ah! GASPING, LAUGHTER I don't know what happened then.
- Catherine, how many? - Five.
- Harriet, how many? - Four.
- I think I might actually be stuck up here.
- How many? - Four.
- Oh, Sean, how many? - Five.
- Five, OK.
Alan, how many? - Five.
I'll get down.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Oh! No, I'm all right.
What's your word, Sean? - JADED.
- Jaded, excellent.
OK, Harriet, what's your word? HEAD OK.
Catherine? JAWED OK, jawed.
Alan, your five? ADIEU Susie, is ADIEU in the dictionary? Er, it is in the dictionary.
Well, five points to both teams! Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better? Um, no, five was the best that we could do, too.
OK, so Alan and Catherine have 24, Sean and Harriet have 31.
It's going to be a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Harriet, if you get this Well, you're not going to get this, - but if you - She might get it.
I might get it, but we're not worried about winning, it's just about spending quality time with my dad.
Quality time, yeah.
Where do you live? LAUGHTER OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
- Oh! - Oh, hello.
- BUZZER - Catherine Tate.
- Is it? No.
I was going to say LAUGHTER OK.
BUZZER Sean? DANGEROUS Yes, it is.
APPLAUSE He got the conundrum and a nine.
He's on fire! So the final scores are - Alan and Catherine have 24, but the winners tonight, Sean and Harriet, have 41! Congratulations to Sean and Harriet, you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown Cowboy Set.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!