Live at The Apollo (2004) s18e06 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your host for tonight
Stephen Bailey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Hammersmith! Are you well?
CHEERING
Welcome to Live At The Apollo!
CHEERING
I'm your host, Stephen Bailey.
Thank you so much for having me.
Are you up for a good night
of comedy?
CHEERING
Good. Thank you.
I'm going to be I'm going to
level with you off the start.
I'm very nervous and very excited
in equal measure.
I've never hosted this before,
cos I do too many dick jokes
for the BBC.
So really excited. Cos I'm from
I'm from a council estate
in Manchester. A little gay boy.
I did not think I'd
WHOOPING
Oh, thank you,
four people from the north.
I did not think I'd end up here.
Honestly, before I did this,
I actually worked at a supermarket
for six years.
I was the best checkout chick
you'd ever seen.
I was. The queues to my checkout
were like to get in here tonight.
And it's cos old women love me.
They do, they love me.
And I had regulars, right?
So this lady called Doreen,
she'd come and see me every
Wednesday at 10am like clockwork,
after she'd been to the doctor's,
being a hypochondriac.
You know what old bastards are like.
She'd march right up to my checkout,
bold as brass, and she'd be like,
"Oh, Stephen,
who've you been shagging
"this weekend in the gay village?"
I'd be like, "Doreen!
"Your son."
What's your name?
Aaron? Are you one
of my straights, Aaron?
I am.
I'd recommend you close your legs.
I am thrilled
to be here tonight, actually,
because I've had a row
with my boyfriend,
so I'm glad to be out of the house.
I've had a row with him
over the football, of all things,
which is very off-brand for me,
right?
Cos he wanted to watch the
Manchester United match or summat.
I don't really understand.
But this is how I feel
about football, yeah?
I feel about football
the same way his wife and kids
feel about me.
It's a completely unnecessary way
of spending a Saturday afternoon.
Just for those of you who took
that seriously, that's a joke.
He's really my boyfriend.
He's really gay.
I'm sucking legit dick.
What? Right, you.
I'm calling you What's your name?
Jimmy. Jimmy?
Right, you're doing this thing
that annoys me that
straight men do, right?
Straight men laugh at me like this.
"If we laugh at this, are we gay?"
Yes, Jimmy!
You're going to leave here
with a limp wrist
and a man attached to you.
His name's Aaron. Say hello now.
They just fist-bumped.
That's not how you do it.
Well done, this side.
Keep up, Radio 4.
Now, Jimmy, I don't want you to have
the wrong impression of me.
Like, I'm not just that camp guy
who hates football,=
cos of the stereotype.
When the Euros was on,
I gave it a go.
I went to my local pub
to watch an episode and
It's not for me, Jimmy.
Nothing happens. Nothing
Do you like football?
Nah, nah. Aaron, do you?
Yeah, who do you support?
Liverpool. Boo. Liverpool?
WHOOPING AND BOOING
Oh, there's a few!
This is the common side, innit?
We sat all the working-class people
on this side.
Quinoa! ♪
You've got to include 'em,
otherwise they tweet,
and I can't be bothered with it.
So I'll tell you a few things
about me boyfriend, yeah?
So he's a lawyer,
which is very smart on my part.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.
And his name's Rich,
which is short for Fucking Loaded!
I'm really them,
but I want to be you-u-u-u.
We met on Tinder,
so I like to say that we're proof
that online dating does work.
It's completely possible to meet
someone else in their thirties
that's completely given up hope.
Like, single people, make some
noise.
CHEERING
Ain't it diabolical, dating?
It's a nightmare, innit?
Like, before I got my Rich,
I went through some.
And, like, ladies and gays,
like, give me a cheer -
do we love a hairy man?
SCATTERED WHOOPING
Ooh, the wealthy side now.
I love a hairy man.
Do you know when a man's got
the shirt with a few buttons undone,
they've got the p-p-p-p
coming out of the top?
You know, the little bit of p-p-p?
Honestly, it makes me "pff!"
Like
And I met this guy, right?
Obviously, before I was with Rich.
I met this guy
and I went home with him.
And let's be grown-ups about it,
we were having sex.
But obviously, so obviously,
he had to get nude for that.
And then he was a bit too hairy,
Apollo. Bit too much.
You know - eyebrow to big toe.
It was too much.
Hammersmith, I had to
look out of the window
to check there weren't a full moon,
you know?
I turn back around,
he's down on all fours, right?
I don't know if he wanted me
to fuck him or walk him.
CHEERING
So I did both.
You know what the gays are like.
We've always got a leather lead.
Could be you, this, Aaron.
My mum and dad, they've always been
fine with my sexuality.
Very good parents, really.
I never had to come out,
to be honest with you.
People just assumed I was gay,
so I went with it.
I actually don't know if I am.
I only tried an olive last week
and realised I like it.
Might like vagina!
Those three women there are like,
"No, you don't.
"You certainly don't."
You know when you go
into high school and stuff, yeah?
They weren't sure
which of the schools to send me to,
and my dad was thinking about
sending me to a same-sex,
all-boys school
so I didn't get
"distracted by girls".
I think he meant via the gossip.
And then when I was When it was
my birthday, when I was 13,
my dad went,
"Do you know what, Stephen?
"You can have your first sleepover.
You can have your first sleepover.
"But I'm not having any girls stay.
I'm not getting into that."
I thought, "My dad is
really on board with this!"
And my mum works for the NHS, yeah?
CHEERING
Yes, thank you!
We should still whoop them.
We should still whoop them.
And she loved it - do you remember
during the global crises
when we banged a pan,
Thursdays at eight?
We did do it for six weeks
till they brought EastEnders back.
Mum loved that time of the week.
Honestly, when they started banging
their pans, like, "Ding-ding-ding,"
she'd walk out
onto our cul-de-sac, like
And I'd run out afterwards,
being like,
"You work in admin, bitch.
Grab a spoon!
"No-one's doing it for you.
Grab a spoon."
By the way, before anyone tweets me,
I say bitch in a feminist
reclaimed way, sisters. And
..I think my parents are more proud
cos I've got a degree in French,
right?
I've got a degree in French.
WHOOPING
I know. Honestly.
Don't you think it's sexy, Aaron?
Bonsoir.
Did you feel something?
Did you, Jimmy?
I'm going to break Jimmy
by the end of this.
So I started learning French
really young,
at the age of eight or something
in primary school,
and our French teacher,
to help it sink in our brains,
she used to play
little games with us,
and one of the games was that
we had to draw a name out of the hat
and that would be our French name
for the rest of term, yeah?
So I withdrew Marcel
and she taught me
that if anyone ever asked the
question, "Comment tu t'appelle?"
my response should be,
"Je m'appelle Marcel," right?
Now, I got all the way to degree
level and two trips to Paris
with that knowledge,
and no-one ever corrected me.
And I went in on my first day
of the lecture
and the professeur goes,
"Ah, bonjour. Comment tu t'appelle?"
I thought, "Well, this is going
to be a very easy course."
I went, "Bonjour.
Je m'appelle Marcel."
He's like, "No, no,
comment tu t'appelle?"
And I went, "Je m'appelle Marcel."
He's like, "No, no,
comment tu t'appelle?"
And I went, "Je m'appelle Marcel."
He's like,
"No, comment tu t'appelle?"
I went, "Je m'appelle Marcel."
He said, "No, no,
comment tu t'appelle?"
I was like, "Je m'appelle Marcel."
He's like, "No, no,
comment tu t'appelle?"
I went, "Je m'appelle Marcel."
He's like, "No, no,
comment tu t'appelle?"
I went, "Je m'appelle Marcel."
He's like, "No, no.
Commenttut'appelle?"
And I went, "What is wrong with you?
You said you were French."
I went, "Jem'appelleMarcel."
He's like, "No, comment
tu t'appelle? What is your name?
I was like, "Je m'appelle Marcel.
My name is Stephen."
Um
So educated.
And as part of our course, yeah,
we had to do a year abroad. Hold on.
Um, gap yah. Gap yah.
We did, Jimmy. We had to do
a year abroad, right?
So I moved to the south of France
for a year
and I'm dating myself
with this reference, I do know.
But I thought it would be
like a Hilary Duff film, right?
Do you know, where I'd, like,
to move to the south of France,
get a job in a little boulangerie,
fall in love,
move into the guy's chateau
and never have to
come and perform in Hammersmith.
Do you know what I mean?
And me and my friends
all had a bit of a dream.
Like, my friend, Kate, she's married
to a guy now called Florent
and lives in Nice.
That was my dream, bitch.
My friend Sam got with a guy
while we were there,
and his name was Nicolas.
And I even got with a guy
while we were there for one term,
and his name was Kevin.
It wasn't even "Kevine".
I went all the way
to the south of France
and found the only guy
from Stockport!
Just call me Sally Webster.
And the thing I hated the most
about doing that year abroad
was, I don't like flying.
Give me a cheer if you like flying.
CHEERING
Give me a cheer
if you don't like it.
QUIETER CHEERING
Yeah.
CHUCKLING: All the ones
sat in the sky!
I really hate it, yeah?
Because everyone's like,
"It's the safest form of transport."
But that's not true, is it?
Because speak to someone
that's been in a crash. And
MUTED LAUGHTER
That is valid. That is really valid.
And I've had to find my way
of getting round it.
You need hints and tricks,
don't you?
So my therapist said, "You just need
to sit on the plane, doing this."
"I'd get thrown off the plane
if I do that, Julie."
And the way I've been
trying to get round it
Hear me out. You're going to
think I'm mad, right?
Do you know sometimes when you look
at someone and you think?
Like, Aaron, I look at you and I go,
"You would never die
in a plane crash."
You've got that kind of face.
You know, you're not
going to go that way.
Whereas some people, they've got
that face where it's like,
"Have you already been in one?"
And I flew to Dublin this year,
and it was the best flight
I'd ever had, right?
Because I found someone like you,
Aaron. I found someone.
Peter Barlow from Coronation Street
was on the flight and I thought,
"Peter Barlow's not going to die
on a Ryanair flight.
"He's already
been through too much."
So I bought my first place
this year.
Thank you so much
for coming to comedy.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you, yes.
Look at the posh side -
"We love homeowners. Homeowners."
They're mad
cos they're still renting.
But I didn't know what you were
supposed to look for.
You know when you're looking
at the different properties?
I wasn't sure what
you were supposed to
I came out of one and I went, I said
to Mum, "I can't buy this one.
"It's got a brown carpet. I'm not
buying one with a brown carpet."
And she went, "Stephen,
that is stuff you can change.
"You shouldn't look
at stuff like that.
"You need to ask,
when was the boiler last serviced?
"When was the roof
last checked?"
She went, "I'll come with you to
the next one. I'll come with you."
And she walked into this flat
with me and she went,
"Oh, God, Stephen,
you can't buy this one -
"there's a strong smell of incest
in the air."
She meant incense, Jimmy.
But when you imagine that
There's not enough spray
in the world
to get that out of the walls,
is there?
But I do I do love Mum so much.
We do a lot
We do various jobs in this.
It's not all the glamour
of the Apollo, right?
I had to do a corporate job, yeah,
which is where a business books you
and only one person
really wants you there,
and everyone else is, like
Just has to suffer it.
But on these corporate jobs,
you sign a contract
to say that if you do
any dirty material or swear,
you will give the money back.
Now, I don't know if you've
watched me so far tonight
That is very difficult.
And I was doing
the Call Centre Awards.
Woohoo!
I was. I was doing
the Call Centre Awards.
I was like, "Oh, my God,
how do I play this?
"Cos I don't want to give
the money back
"because my mum wants a porch." You
don't really have them in London,
but it's that thing you stick
at the front of your house
that's not quite an extension
or a conservatory.
We have 'em up north.
It's where we leave the prams.
It is - it's where we leave the
prams with the babies still in 'em.
And so I was like,
"I need to get my mum a porch."
So I took the job and I thought,
"I don't know how to play this
and I want to keep the money."
So I walked out, right? And I went,
"Hello! Welcome to
the Call Centre Awards 2023.
"I'm your host, Stephen Bailey!"
And then they whooped and cheered.
CHEERING
That's it.
And I went, "I just really
need to quickly check something
"with my manager, so I'm just going
to pop you on hold for a second
"and I'll be right back."
And I left the stage for 15 minutes.
APPLAUSE
I did.
CHEERING
I ate the three-course meal.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
They're all looking at me,
being like, "Is he coming back?"
And I thought, "Nope,
that's what you do to us.
"This is called revenge."
What I love most about my mum
Can I ask you three ladies here
that are all like, leopard,
floral
..combination of the two,
do you know each other?
No. No.
Oh, right. I feel like you three
could be best friends.
I was looking at you, being like,
"Oh, the Loose Women are in."
I did a warm-up
for Loose Women, yeah?
You know, before I got into doing
this properly,
and it was years ago
and I met Jane McDonald, right?
I did, and I moaned to her.
I love Jane, but I was moaning
to her all the time, like,
"Why am I not more famous?
"Like, why do more people
not know my name?"
She was like, "Sweetheart, don't
worry about it. Dreams do come true.
"Look at me. I'm a Loose Woman.
I'm selling out theatres."
And I just went.
"I'm as shocked as you are, Jane."
You're me demographic,
you three, though.
You're me demographic, right?
And me mum, what I love most
about me mum is,
she's a proper strong woman.
Nothing gets her down.
You know what northern women
are like -
I mean, this bitch could literally
get hit by a bus,
but as long as she makes the Greggs
reduced aisle by three, she's fine.
Right, so Greggs is like this, um
It's like this patisserie
we have up north, yeah?
And they do a lovely puff pastry
with a bit of cheese and onion
in it.
You lot would loathe it,
but we live off it.
And me mum's got this thing, right,
called fibromyalgia,
and it's like this chronic pain
of the muscles
but it's not life-threatening,
so we can laugh at it.
I did check. But
I did check.
But there's no cure for it.
So all's I know what to do
when she's in pain
is to make her laugh,
cos that releases pain.
And I was with her over Christmas
and the cold got to her a bit.
And Mum was like, "Oh, God, Stephen,
my fibromyalgia is so painful.
"I don't know what I'm going to do
about this any more."
So I just went,
"Well, if you think that's painful,
"you should try anal," right?
And she went, "I have."
APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
Don't clap her!
Don't! No! No!
If you clap her, she'll do it again!
And me dad's there, Apollo.
Me dad's sat there,
after she said that, like,
"With who?!"
And, Jimmy, that's how
you ruin Christmas lunch.
You guys have been really nice
so far.
Are you ready
for a great night of comedy?
CHEERING
It's time for your first act,
so please make some
noise for Lara Ricote!
Hi! Hi, Apollo. Good to meet you.
I'm Lara. Oh, I'm so excited!
This is exciting.
Great. Good to be here.
Really great. Really great.
I'm Lara.
I'm originally from Mexico.
You've got to know that,
I'm from Mexico.
CHEERING
Thank you so much.
A thing you must know about me -
I'm hard of hearing in my ears.
I know I don't need to specify
where, but people ask.
People say, "Hey, Lara,
where is it that you can't hear?"
And it's in the ears, mostly.
That's where it happens to me
personally,
where it manifests in my body
as of yet.
My older sister,
also hard of hearing,
really good genes in my family,
really strong genes.
And my favourite thing, my favourite
thing about being hard of hearing
is that my older sister
is more hard of hearing than I am.
That's my favourite thing.
Doctors say our deafness
is the same.
They say we're the same level
of deaf.
But I don't believe that.
I don't. I think that bitch
is deaf as shit.
I think she
Cos she's bad at it.
She never tells anyone,
she keeps it to herself.
I tell everyone all the time.
I'm like, "Hey, I can't hear
very well. Don't talk to me."
She doesn't.
She keeps it to herself,
which obviously just makes her like
a bystander in every situation.
You know, she's outside
of most conversations.
But the thing about my older sister
is that she's really hot.
She's very hot.
She's got, like, these big titties.
She does, just big titties,
my sister. She has a fat ass.
She does. Arse, she has a fat arse.
Sorry, I just want to be inclusive,
make sure you understand me.
She has a fat arse, my sister,
just a big fat arse,
and she's tall and she's blonde
and she's tanned,
she's very conventionally
attractive,
so it doesn't really matter how much
she participates in conversation.
Not really, not actually really,
cos nobody would ever think that
she could potentially be disabled.
No-one would, they're just like,
"Is that a hot woman?
"AND she has no opinions?
"Jackpot!"
I have this voice all of the time.
You might be thinking,
"Oh, she's hard of hearing,
"that's why she has that voice."
No.
LAUGHTER
I want you to know, no, I don't.
It has nothing to do with the
hard of hearingness.
It's just an extra.
Just a kiss on my forehead
from God himself.
Just an extra.
I live with this.
This is my all the time voice.
This is my sex voice.
This is my sex voice. It is.
I have sex, I go, I go,
"Oh, I love that!"
LAUGHTER
I do. I go, "Oh, can you do that
but slower?"
That's what I say.
I say that during sex.
I want you to know, I do have sex.
I want you to know that.
I know if I say it, it makes it
sound like I don't have sex,
but I have sex.
I have sex with people
and people have sex with me.
And it's the truth.
It's just what happens.
I have sex. I just do.
It took me a long time
to get started having sex
because I come from
a Latin American mom,
and my mom used to talk about
my vagina every day,
but only in metaphor.
My mom, she'd say stuff like,
she'd be like, "Lara, Lara,
"nobody wants to buy a lock that can
be opened by every key, Lara."
She'd be like, "Lara, Lara,
"nobody wants to buy an apple that's
been bitten by someone else, Lara."
LAUGHTER
"Lara, Lara, if you have sex
too soon,
"they won't stay with you forever,
Lara."
That one's pretty straightforward.
Not really a metaphor,
that last one.
Straight to the point.
That's kind of what she meant
with the whole thing.
It took me a long time
to get started because of that.
And I've lived in the Netherlands
six years now.
I live there. It's great.
It's good.
I live now with my partner,
an Argentinian guy, Fernando.
OK! We live together.
I love him. I brought him over,
actually, from Argentina.
We met in Argentina and then
I brought him over to live
in the Netherlands, on my back,
me, him, and a donkey.
It took three days.
It was long and arduous,
but we made it.
We made it.
Now we live together there.
It's good. I love him.
He has no sense of smell.
What a good disability
to have in a partner, if I may.
And it's the best disability
to have in a partner,
because as a partner,
you can be nasty.
You can, you can be as nasty as you
want all of the time.
Of course, not good to be nasty,
because then you have to live
in the nasty as well.
And that part you forget about,
you forget.
Sometimes I'm like,
"Ooh, I can fart while I eat."
But then you have to eat in a fart,
and no-one wants
If you could not eat in a fart,
maybe better to just
eat in clean air.
You might be thinking, "Oh, but
Lara, what about the sound,
"you deaf-ass bitch?"
Don't call me that!
It offends my family.
I actually will have you know,
if you must,
that my farts do not have a sound.
They don't. It's not a tree fell
in the forest situation,
I can't hear them,
joke's on me, ha-ha.
No, my farts actually do not
have any sound.
They do not have any sound
because I have what's called
a butt cheek gap.
You know about this?
A BCG for short.
It means my arse cheeks don't touch.
They just don't touch.
I have a gap, a gap between my
And we all know, famously,
most of the sound from farts
comes from the stress
of the air
trying to get through the cheeks.
You know about this?
I Googled it. It's the truth.
LAUGHTER
If the air is trying
to get through
This is my impression
of most people's farts.
SHE STRAINS
SHE GASPS
APPLAUSE
And this is my impression
of my farts.
They can just come straight out
because I have a butt cheek gap,
which means I can fart while I eat
if I want to.
I don't, but I want you to know
that I can.
That means my boyfriend
can't smell anything,
I can't hear very well,
so we need to hang around each other
all the time just in case
there's an alarm or a gas leak.
It's important that we're near
each other at all times.
We've got to stay close.
We're like each other's
service dogs.
Very important to be close.
We live together, and we role-played
the other day for the first time.
I want you to know it's not because
our sex life is boring.
It's not. Our sex life -
actually really fun.
He always says it, he says, "Hey,
Lara, sex with you is so much fun."
So why would he say that
if it's not the truth?
Right? That's probably the truth,
because he says, "Lara, having sex
with you, I have so much fun,"
so that sounds like the truth to me.
It has to be fun, because I keep
it interesting all of the time.
I'm always - just a rule
from me to me,
always do something you've never
done before,
always, during sex, every time.
Keep it interesting, keep it
dynamic, keep it spicy,
keep it hot, keep it light.
That's right.
Every time, every time,
do something new.
So sometimes during sex,
I'll be like this.
That's right.
Yeah, that's during the sex part.
Sometimes I'm having intercourse,
I'm going like this.
Don't want to be boring.
Obviously, that's fun. He loves it.
We did roleplay, though.
We did roleplay.
We did
We're both improvisers, though,
so we would never
not take it seriously.
We both improvise on a team
every Friday night,
because we're cool as fuck,
so we would never not, like,
ground our realities.
You know?
Like, we're having backstories,
we're having, like, character
traits,
we have stories, we have outfits,
you know, like, we're taking
it seriously.
So I would never do, like,
a sexy nurse. I wouldn't.
If I do a nurse, I'm a nurse
that just finished a 22-hour shift
at the hospital.
She's sweating, her face
is sweating, her eyes are open,
but also kind of closed.
And she's at the bar
because she needs a drink.
She's always leaning on something.
She needs a drink.
She's trying to forget she saw
a woman eat her own placenta.
She hates that. She hates it.
They say it's for the nutrients.
She says, "Just eat some fish oil.
Just stop with the placenta."
But they want to eat it.
She's drinking to forget.
Also, she would love to have
some sex,
but only because she's low on
oxytocin.
You don't want to roleplay with her.
And my boyfriend, he would never do,
like, a sexy firefighter,
because they have PTSD.
So we just don't
We don't do any of the key workers.
No key worker, we stay away from
the key workers.
None of the essential workers.
We do different stuff.
This time, we were doing that
we were at
We were in San Francisco.
That was our reality, right?
San Francisco.
We're actually in Amsterdam
in our house,
but we're in San Francisco.
We're at a bar. It's a kitchen.
We're having a martini. It's water.
And we're talking, and he comes up
to me and tells me about him.
He's an IT guy.
Cool, nonessential work.
And he told me that
he's actually a Stanford dropout.
So cool, smart in the roleplay.
And he had this app
he's telling me about.
It's called Burst, and it uses
AI to combat fake news.
Important work in the zeitgeist,
in the roleplay and now,
and he's telling me about it
and I'm telling him about me,
how I actually went to Yale
in the roleplay, also smart,
and I studied philosophy, and I'm
telling him about how I love logic
and I'm not like the other girls,
and I love to reason,
and I want to have sex with him
for a logical reason.
And at some point it starts
getting, like, hot, right?
Like, it starts getting hot
between us,
and it feels like we're
the only two people at the bar.
And I'm like, whatever.
Like, I'm going to ask him
to go home with me.
If he says no, I went to Yale,
I'll find someone else,
and I say, "Hey, you want to?"
He says, "Yeah,"
so we go back to my place.
It's right next to us, the couch,
and we get there,
and as soon as we walk in,
like, he's, like making out with me,
you know, giving me kisses.
And I'm like, "Wait a minute,
like, wait a second, sit down.
"Like, tell me about you.
Where are your parents from?"
He's like, "Oh, my dad's from Brazil
and my mom's from South Africa,"
and I was like,
"Oh, how interesting.
"How did they make it over
to the United States?
"Like, what visa did they get?"
And he's like,
"Oh, they got the H1N1."
I was like, "That's a virus.
"That's a virus.
What visa was it that they got?"
He's like, "What does it matter
what visa it is?
"Stop asking about the visa."
Like, it just, like, helped me
get into it.
Like, "Tell me about the visa.
What's the visa situation?
"What's the visa?
"What visa was it?"
He's like, "Lara, stop asking
about the visa."
I'm like, "My name is Sabrina.
"Tell me about the visa.
What's the visa situation?
"What visa did they get?
"What visa was it?
Tell me about the visa.
"Tell me, what visa was it?
Tell me about the visa.
"What's the visa situation?
What visa did they get?
"What visa was it?
What's the visa?"
And he gets mad, right?
He gets mad. He's like, "Lara,
stop asking about the visa.
"It was the highly skilled
migrant visa, OK?
"Are you fucking happy? It was
a highly skilled migrant visa.
"It took them four to seven years
to get the frickin' visa, all right?
"Yeah? They were in Brazil,
and frickin' my mom got it first,
"and then my dad had to stay there
with her family.
"Yeah, he doesn't even
like her family.
"And he had to stay there by himself
"for four to seven years, all
right?
"While they had to wait for
freaking my dad to get the visa,
"and they had to send letters
back and forth,
"because this was before FaceTime,
Sabrina, all right?
"This was just letters back
and forth for four to seven years,
"and their love was strong!
"Finally, after four to seven years,
"they got to go over to
the United States together
"and they had to drive cars.
"They were doctors, Sabrina,
doctors driving cars,
"just driving all around and then
fucking they caught some luck,
"and I got to go to Stanford,
and now I have an app called Burst."
And I just came.
I just
LAUGHTER
I just, you know when you come
so hard that, like,
your bones turn to sand?
You know when you come so hard
that you have no more bones?
And your bones turn to sand.
You know about this?
You know when you come so hard
that you have no more bones
and your bones turn to sand,
and you're just, like, a blob?
I came so hard, I had no more bones
and my bones turned to sand,
and there was just so much liquid,
and I was like,
"Oh, no, I squirted!"
But I didn't even squirt.
I actually peed a lot.
I peed a lot.
But the thing is, if you have a
boyfriend with no sense of smell
..for him, at least,
it's the same thing.
APPLAUSE
And for me,
it's still kind of a release.
Thank you, guys. You were lovely.
I was Lara. Bye!
APPLAUSE
Give it up for Lara Ricote!
APPLAUSE
Apollo, are you ready for
your final act of the evening?
CHEERING
Please make some noise
for Glenn Moore!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Hello. Thank you so much
for the warm welcome.
It's lovely to be here.
My name is Glenn Moore.
I hope you're all well.
How are you doing?
CHEERING
Excellent. It's great to be here.
I hope you're enjoying your evening.
I hope you're enjoying your year so
far.
I've had an uneventful year.
I've only had one big thing
happen to me this year.
I had a break-up at
the beginning of the year,
but it was fine. I got over it in
the best way possible.
I took myself on holiday
it was the best way to get over it.
I didn't think about my
ex-girlfriend once,
didn't think about the break-up
once,
had a great time cruising down
the West Coast of America, San Fran,
which is French for
"without Francesca."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It's horrible if you have
a break-up,
especially if you live with someone
and then break up
and one of you has got to move
out because if it's not you,
suddenly you've got this
empty home to yourself.
You look at the bed that you both
used to sleep in together.
Suddenly, their half of the bed
is just permanently empty and alone.
And even to this day, I still stare
at that top bunk
and miss her, man, you know?
You're thinking, "Sleeping
in bunk beds as a couple?
"That's the least cool thing
you can do."
Incorrect. It is the coolest thing
you can ever do with your life.
You get to have sex with
someone, then depart via a ladder.
Yes, please.
That's the coolest thing.
Closest I get to feeling
like James Bond, I love it.
Worst thing about the break-up was,
after a while, I couldn't afford
to live in the flat on my own,
had to move out.
I had to move back in
with my brother.
And I say brother, we're trying not
to put a label on it, but I
I hated living with my brother.
Hated his home.
Don't know if you've ever
lived in a flat so damp,
you have to keep your phone
in a bowl of rice at all times.
I was jealous of my brother as well,
because my brother has got a way
more stable job than me.
My brother works as a driver,
so I had to hear about that
every single day.
"Glenn, guess who I had in the back
last week.
"You'll never guess which major
celeb I was driving last week."
"Guess who I had in the back"
"I don't care, man.
"It's your hearse. I do not care."
I was miserable there. The worst
night's sleep we ever had
was one night, me and my brother
had a house party.
Bunch of people passed out in my
room.
A bunch of people fell asleep
in his room.
There was nowhere for either
of us to sleep.
Eventually, I pointed at
a spot in the living room floor.
I said, "I think we're going to
have to sleep here."
My brother said, "If we're going to
do that,
"we're going to top and tail."
I said no. He said, "Why not?"
I said, "Because no grown-up
in their right mind top"
I mean, my parents top and tail,
but that's not important.
He said, "What's wrong with
topping and tailing?
"What's wrong with lying
next to your brother
"just with your head and feet
in opposite directions?"
I said, "Because topping
and tailing only makes sense
"when you're on a nice, open
atmosphere,
"like a mattress or a sofa.
We're in a sleeping bag.
"If I go in head-first,
that's suicide."
Now, if I hadn't had the break-up,
I wouldn't be in that living
situation in the first place.
I miss that relationship so much.
Sometimes I think about it a lot.
It was a wonderful relationship.
I was nervous when we first
started going out,
I think because I was late
to relationships in the first place.
I was always very sort of
no sex before marriage,
it's turned out.
But I was terrified about that first
date
because there's so many things
you've got to worry about
when you go on the date.
How was I going to impress her?
What was I going to wear? How was I
going to dress to impress?
Do I wear my glasses?
Do I wear my contact lenses?
Do I compromise,
one contact lens and a monocle?
Done it before.
No, you've got to look impressive
on the date. How do you do that?
I used to spray-paint "cheating
bastard"
across the front of my house,
make it look as if I've dated
multiple women, but
I got so excited about that date
that I bought stuff to wear
specifically on the date,
and I got so excited when I bought
the stuff,
I wore it out of the shop.
I've never done that before,
but you get judgmental looks
when you do it, and it's like,
"Why? I bought those things.
"They belong to me.
They're my condoms.
"I can do whatever I want."
LAUGHTER
On the day of the date itself, I
tried to pluck up my courage.
I walked over to her flat, knocked
on her doorbell,
which isn't how doorbells work.
She answered the door, and
immediately I felt like I blew it
because I said hello. No-one says
hello in the modern era,
it's too formal, and people have
a habit of doing that on dates.
You try to present the best version
of yourself, but you end up
coming across as so stilted that you
practically resort to office speak.
I've done that before on dates.
I once asked a girl on a date,
"Tell me when you've worked well
as part of a team."
We've all done it, you know.
But "Hello"? No-one says "Hello."
You say "Hi. Hey. Good evening.
How's it going?"
There's only three occasions in life
when people still say hello,
and that's when you've picked up the
phone,
when you've just entered
a spooky mansion
..or when you've just
inhaled helium.
Those are the only times.
APPLAUSE
We had such a wonderful date
together. After a while,
it became apparent that the date was
going to go one step further.
And I was terrified, not
because I wasn't ready to have sex.
I was thinking, "Of course
I'm ready to have sex."
That prophylactic's
been on since I left Matalan.
But I didn't want to
I won't go into the details,
but, you know, one thing led to
another, we slept together,
it was as stilted and formal as I
worried it would be.
It was probably the only time I've
ever had to be reminded during sex,
"Actually, we are
a shoes-off house."
We had a wonderful time.
I won't go into the details.
We did her favourite position,
her on top and me on top.
It's how bunk beds work.
And afterwards, I was so happy.
I was just lying there naked
as the day I graduated,
just feeling so blissfully happy.
As we fell asleep together,
I could feel her breath on my shins.
It was a perfect relationship.
So happy living under
that same roof.
Suddenly, fast forward six months
later, we've broken up.
She's on the phone to me every day,
annoyed that we've broken up,
telling me off on the phone,
trying to make me jealous,
talking about how my brother's
better than me.
He's taller than me,
he's cooler than me.
And he is, you know, my brother's
got a cool salt-of-the-earth accent.
If you're trying to place my accent,
I was born in a Cath Kidston,
but I think
LAUGHTER
Not just because of his voice. My
brother gets away
with saying cool stuff I can't get
away with saying.
She'd be like, "Glenn,
your brother suits swearing,"
"but it doesn't suit your accent
when you swear, Glenn."
"Oh, Glenn, your brother suits doing
the wanker hand gesture,
"but it looks a bit too sexual when
you do the wanker hand gesture."
"All your hand gestures are weird,
Glenn.
"Why do you use all ten fingers
when you do air quotes?"
Yeah, whatever, Francesca,
I didn't need that sort of nonsense.
She's being horrible to me
on the phone every day, you know,
telling me off, annoyed that
the relationship ended
and calling me immature.
That is what stuck with me most.
She called me immature.
On the day of my dog's
birthday party.
LAUGHTER
She called me immature. I was
literally there just like,
"Oh, whatever, mate, you know
what I mean?" Why should I
LAUGHTER
Genuinely, why should I listen
to someone if that's what
..if that's what she's
going to be like? Why sh
Why should I listen
to someone like that?
Hated being nervous and anxious
after that break-up, you know?
I suddenly start to panic, you know,
am I incapable of being in a
relationship?
Am I incapable of ever
raising a child?
Then I thought, maybe I don't
want to raise a child.
Maybe if I don't end up having kids,
that's going to be my decision.
I'll have courage in my convictions
for the first time in my life,
because I never have courage in my
convictions.
I claim to, but I can never
back it up.
I'm one of those people where
I wear a Che Guevara T-shirt,
I couldn't name any of his songs. I
don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I wouldn't enjoy being a parent.
I wouldn't even enjoy the fun bits,
the birthdays, parties, Christmases.
I wouldn't want to have a gender
reveal party. They make me sick.
Like, physically. I got ill from one
a few years ago, right?
My cousin was pregnant.
She was having a girl,
so all the food at the gender reveal
party was pink on the inside.
That chicken burger is the hardest
I've ever shit myself in my life.
I wouldn't suit being a dad.
I wouldn't want to be seen crossing
the road with a pram
looking like a background character
in a fucking hazard perception test.
I know how difficult it is
to raise a toddler.
I've never done it before myself,
but I know the equivalent
of raising a toddler
because I have had a Hoover
die on me mid-Hoover.
That's exactly the same thing.
I know what it's like to be on your
hands and knees
desperately trying to feed crisps
one by one into the nozzle.
"Come on, Henry.
Just one more mouthful."
I know what it's like.
Worst thing about the break-up was
the day of the break-up itself.
She did that thing, I don't know if
you've had a partner or a spouse
or a housemate who does a thing
where they ask you
if you've done a household chore
that they know you have not done,
just so that you have to look them
in the eyes and go,
"I have failed you."
She asked me if I'd remembered
to do the washing-up,
and she knew, like,
she knew the answer was no.
Like, we were stood in the kitchen
with the sink betwixt us
..and I was eating cornflakes
out of a vase.
And that was it, she just walked
right out of my life.
That was the final straw,
walked right out of my life.
Pancake Day, which was harsh.
You can't dump someone on
Pancake Day. It's a perfect day.
You can't ruin that day for someone
forever. She's ruined it for me.
You can't ruin Pancake Day
for someone,
it is the perfect day of the year.
It's the only day of the year
where everyone is truly happy.
It is a joyous day.
It's Stop laughing.
It is a wonderful, innocent day
because it's the only day of the
year
where you get to invite everyone
you know over to your home.
You get to invite all your friends
over
with complete disregard for the fact
that you have got one frying pan.
And, to me, Pancake Day is just
that one perfect day of the year
where you and all your family
and friends
just all get to enjoy
dinner together
..one at a time.
She's ruined it, and she's ruined
pancakes for me.
Every pancake I've eaten since then
has just turned to Ash Wednesday
in my mouth Wednesday. It's rubbish.
I tried to get in touch with her
to be like,
"Why did you break up with me
on Pancake Day?"
But she ghosted me completely. I
don't mind the idea of being dumped.
People get dumped
for different reasons.
I once got dumped because I sleep
with my hands on my hips.
It doesn't matter, but you can't
ghost someone, break up with them,
move on to the next relationship,
ghost them,
move on to the next relationship,
leaving a trail of destruction
like Thelma and Louise
in that movie I can never
remember the name of. It's not fair.
It's just basic social etiquette
not to ghost someone.
It's basic polite social etiquette,
and I love social etiquette
because it's the polite fabric
that holds a society together.
I go along with social etiquette
even if I don't agree with it,
because those are the rules
of society.
I don't agree with public toilet
etiquette, but I go along with it
because I know the rules are,
if you go into a public toilet
and there's only one cubicle
and that door is closed
and you don't know whether or not
someone's in there,
the polite etiquette is,
you need to go to that door
and just start yanking that handle
as hard as you possibly can,
terrifying the person inside,
like a gorilla
trying to escape from a zoo.
And the etiquette is, the person
inside there needs to politely say,
"There's someone in here,"
at which point,
the etiquette is, you then need to
go completely silent like a ghost,
and then you wait for 30 seconds,
and then you try the handle again
because maybe they've disappeared.
APPLAUSE
My brother could tell
I was in a bad way.
He would try and take my mind off
the break-up
by giving me basic admin tasks
around the flat to keep me busy.
He'd be like, "Glenn, why
don't you tidy up the flat?
"Why don't you do the washing-up?
"Why don't you take delivery of
the online supermarket shop,
"as if that's not already the most
stressful experience of your life?"
Because my brother always
unticks the box that says
"Would you like carrier bags?"
thus screwing me over even further.
It's a very undignified experience.
If you've never done it before,
what happens is,
you get a knock on your door
about 11.30pm,
regardless of what time slot
you've booked,
and at your door is a big man
who hates you,
and scattered in front of his toes
are all of your groceries,
which you then must collect
one by one like a little goblin.
"I must take these tablets
forthwith to the King, sir!"
Like you're litter-picking after
Glastonbury, all the while realising
you forgot to put your front door on
the latch,
so you're trying to stop that from
closing on you the whole time.
And you're worried if you don't
do it quick enough,
he just gets to leave
with your food.
Me and my brother were just treating
it
like a Crystal Maze puzzle we were
failing.
"Just leave the ketchup.
Just come out."
I couldn't handle the pressure, man.
Eventually, I cancelled the online
shop behind my brother's back.
But what I'd do to cover my tracks
is go to the supermarket in person,
but just treat it like it
was the online shop.
So I'd be walking around
the supermarket like,
"We don't have that brand
of Sensodyne toothpaste,
"so I'll substitute it for a single
white parsnip."
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen,
you guys have been a delight.
My name is Glenn Moore. Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Give it up for Glenn Moore!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You guys have been absolutely
incredible tonight.
Give it up for both the acts
you saw tonight.
You saw Lara Ricote.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Glenn Moore.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've been Stephen Bailey.
See you soon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE