8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e07 Episode Script
Katherine Ryan, Joe Wilkinson, Adam Riches
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Katherine Ryan, Joe Wilkinson, Sean Bean, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
OK, lets meet tonight's players.
First up it's team captain Jon Richardson.
Jon has talked a lot about unnecessarily worrying about things - things like, has he left the gas on? Is his marriage all right? And do people think he's boring? Don't worry, Jon - you probably haven't left the gas on.
That's a relief.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Joe's got a little bit of everything .
.
stuck in his beard.
Up against them this evening it's team captain Sean Lock.
Sean's got a face for comedy and a head for baldness.
- I'm not bald.
- Oh, I mean That didn't work, did it? That joke doesn't work.
I would say you look a little It's like an egg that's been dropped on a barber's floor.
It's like a dog's favourite tennis ball.
But it's It's not bald.
- Well, I take it back.
- Oh, OK.
And joining Sean tonight is Katherine Ryan.
Some people have accused Katherine of being two-faced.
But to be fair one of those faces is underneath the new one.
True.
Sean, are you superstitious? Well, no more than your average person, you know usual things, you know.
What sort of things? Well, I wouldn't wear new slippers on a full moon, those kinds of things.
If you happen upon a sheep on a rainy day, curtsey.
Just the normal ones, Jimmy.
The regular stuff everyone Yeah, never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
If you find a pigeon in your bathroom, salute and say, "How's the admiral?" The usual ones.
Never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
Yeah, just the usual ones.
Well, I'm glad I asked.
Katherine, you're a keen follower of celeb gossip.
Who are you into at the moment, who do you like? Well, you know I'm massively in Cardi B.
Very much on your own - explain.
Well, Cardi B is an incredible artist and very famous social media comedian of sorts, but she started as a stripper.
She got a record deal, loving hip-hop and now she's famous, my favourite person.
Cardi B and I have a lot of the same experience in growth and in life.
Even though I never started as a stripper in the Bronx, I started as a Hooters Waitress in Canada, and a Hooter's waitress essentially, as Jimmy tells me all the time - Well, it's a stripper that can't dance.
- Right.
I'm guessing - is it your accent or, she's not from this country? - Oh - SHE TRILLS BRONX ACCENT: Cardi B talks like she's from the Bronx, like this all the time, you know what I'm saying.
NORMAL ACCENT: So I do it in a Canadian accent.
Sorry what was the bird noise at the beginning? She invents a lot of her own language, so she calls money "smunny" and then when she says OK she goes "Oh" - SHE TRILLS - Like that, can you do that? SHE TRILLS No, because I'm not at primary school, so - OK, Jon.
- Mm-hm.
Jon, have you let yourself down recently? - Oh - HE TRILLS I let myself down a lot.
Every day I try avocado again, I let myself down.
Keeping thinking, this time, it's going to be nice.
Never is.
Looks green and looks like it's going to be like an apple, like a mushy Like a Starburst.
And it keeps on tasting like a dick that's been buried.
HE TRILLS Joe, what did you want to Be when you grew up? Erm, what I really wanted to be was a cameraman on this show, because it's the best job in the world, ain't it? Because they do fuck-all.
Because nothing happens on the show, does it? Half of them are asleep, if you look.
But then, a few months ago I noticed there was a job going as one of the cameras, so I applied.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah, and I got down to the last few, but I was pipped to the post by that jammy cow.
What a No, no, what annoys me is she is.
.
She is dog shit, right? Right, just show what, what her camera's pointing at, Pointing at cables! Absolute shit, it's now who you know, it's who you blow, ain't it, Edith? Go fuck yourself, Joe.
APPLAUSE That's unprofessional.
Get her out! Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I thought it would be nice to catch up with some of the correspondence that we get on the show - we get a lot of tweets sent in and some of them are mean and I know, Sean, you're not on Twitter, so I thought it would be nice for you to understand some of the witty banter - that goes back and forth.
- Hmm, thank you.
They're not all horrible, I have to say.
This is the first one coming from Smiling Axolotl.
"The way the other people on Countdown treat you "makes me genuinely sad, to be honest.
" That's lovely, isn't it? They're genuine, are they? These are genuine, yeah.
What and they post these big In a big envelope? Yeah, with a big stamp.
And this one is for all of us.
You all need to have a long look at yourselves and think about the responsibility we have here.
This came in from Andrew Pickford 5, my favourite man.
Yes! Poor bastard - and look, 11 in the morning.
He slept on that.
This one's serious.
Now you have accept that when, like myself, you're one of the edgy comedians, I say a lot of things Sometimes you say something - and I know when I've done it, I've said something pretty controversial, it's pissed people off.
So I said something that upset Victoria.
Whoa! And she's gone straight to the big wigs.
What did you What did you say about kittens? I think someone had a kitten on and I said that they eat birds, and I think Victoria has taken umbrage with that fact.
She's probably switched over to watch a nice, you know, Attenborough documentary where a gazelle gets ripped to shreds by four lions.
You don't expect kittens to be slagged off on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, you certainly don't - that's probably why she tuned in, she was confused.
Well, I suggest she might enjoy the show called 10 Out Of 10 Cats.
You can be ruthless sometimes, though.
Sit down, Victoria - you've been served.
Do you want a towel? Cos you've just got rinsed.
Do you know, if you responded to her in the way that Cardi B might, you'd say something like BRONX ACCENT: .
.
how you gon' suck yo' man's dick with my name in yo' mouth? APPLAUSE What camera am I on? So Hey, Victoria.
Go on, you can get this.
Come on, Jon, you can do this.
HE TRILLS - Yo, Victoria, how are you gonna suck all the - BLEEP - With a fruit pastel in your mouth.
- With a fruit pastel in your mouth? Yeah, that's it.
Jon's tweets, everyone.
CHEERING Katherine, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot, Jimmy, I attended my daughter's recorder concert at the school, and it made it very clear to me straight away that the arts need to be urgently defunded.
We can't be going to any more of this garbage.
So, I confiscated her recorder and then also her dad bought her these drumsticks, I say her dad, it was my best guess at the time.
And so, these are drumming sticks and they're really fun, actually, you don't even need a hard surface.
HOLLOW DRUMMING You can drum on anything.
Do you wanna give them a go Sean? Yes, I'd very much like, yeah.
- OK, so - HOLLOW DRUMMING What I thought Sean and I could do for the programme is, erm, spice it up a bit with some percussion, perhaps happy music when we win, a celebration, you know.
So, if we get, erm, the Conundrum, wow! I mean, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
If we beat Joe and Jon on words.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- If I get a word more than three letters.
- Yeah, that's it.
Then we'll do a celebration like this, right? MELODY PLAYS Suck my nipples.
Suck my nipples.
Sean, have you have you got a mascot? I do, Jimmy, what I thought I'd do is I thought, you know, you're always making jokes about me, about my age, I'm a grandad and all that, and I thought, well, I'm gonna get digital on your arse, and I've finally created my own website.
Yeah, and I made it myself, I did a course, I didn't know how to do it online, so I had to do it by post.
And here it is, I think it looks great.
There's things up there, you can go on there, look, there's fun facts about Sean look, there we go look, fun facts about Sean.
But there's other I've got merchandise, there's my merchandise.
Now, I've chosen Just getting rid of some stuff from my loft, so there's a leaf blower that I've signed there, you can buy that.
And if you look at it, it's a seriously powerful leaf blower, but apparently we don't have room for it any more.
That's our double bed which we're selling and that's got a lot of sentimental, because all our children were conceived on that bed.
Either on that bed or near it.
What else is there? Oh, there's my inbox.
Look if you see, I've got 170 unread messages.
Beyonce bought the leaf blower.
Oh, my God.
And, er, it caused a bit, she's a bit upset basically because she didn't realise how powerful it was and it did It actually took the skin off JAY-Z's rice pudding.
He's furious about that.
And there's Oh, look, there's a surprise one here.
- Look, there we go.
- This is a lovely photo of you.
And that's one of my the peculiarities about my family, we've got baboon's arses.
Sean's website, everyone.
Joe, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I do, yeah, I brought along '80s pop singer Paul Young.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Young.
RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE It's only Paul Young.
Is he gonna sing one of his classics for us? No, no, he's not gonna sing, no.
Why would he not be singing? I couldn't afford it, it, he's 80 quid to hire for the afternoon and it's an extra 40 if you want him to sing, and I thought, "Oh, fuck that!" So instead what I thought we could do, we could just stare at him for 30 seconds while we have a Cornetto.
So, there you go, Jimmy, pass them round.
Rachel, there you go.
- Has everyone got one? - So, what, we're having a Cornetto and staring at Paul Young for 30 seconds? Go on, then, sod off.
Well, over in Dictionary Corner, it's the legend that is actor Sean Bean.
Bastards.
For anyone that might be, I don't know, been living in a cave, could you tell us who is Sean Bean? Well, imagine, if you will, the world of celebrity is a map, find a town marked A-list then head south.
Sean Bean is an actor and star of such films as the one where I talk like this and the one where I talk like this in a dress.
I've been shot, stabbed, beheaded and devoured, that was all just on way here this evening.
Sean laughs, Sean laughs.
If there's any kids out there who still wanna know who Sean Bean is, just ask internet, just get out my device.
Alexa, who is Sean Bean? ALEXA: Did you ask, "What is straight to DVD?" Who is Sean Bean? What is three-dimensional minus one? Who is Sean Bean? What is children born out of wedlock? That's a bit more like it, you bastard, good.
That's Sean Bean, everyone.
Apologies for that.
I'm sure you've had worst things spat in your face.
What does that mean, Jimmy? What does that actually mean? When you say, "I'm sure you've had worse things spat at you "than a crow's head?" What could be worse than someone spitting a crow's head? There's not much worse than that.
Sorry, just having a bit of a cry, I might need a tissue.
It's very reassuring to look over there and see Paul Young.
Just in case I'm not having a weird enough day.
And with Sean, of course, it's Susie Dent.
Susie, have you discovered any new words recently? Yeah, I like the sort of new old words, so the old words that have kind of completely faded from view and then I'd like to bring those back, so there's whoopensocker, which is quite nice.
A whoopensocker is something extremely large of its kind, like yourlike your head.
- Like your head.
- You're not gonna step away from that.
All you've gotta do is get your head on that.
What? If you're not gonna do it, I'll do it.
What, like my cock? Thank you, Sean.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel Riley recently celebrated ten years on Countdown, and she's irreplaceable to the show, just like Des Lynam before they replaced him.
- So, ten years on Countdown - Yeah.
- .
.
how did you celebrate? Erm, I posted loads of filth over the last ten years from Countdown, - regular Countdown.
- Regular Countdown filth? Yeah, so things that have popped up on the board like, FU PENISES, BE VAGINAS, - CUM BUDGIE.
- CUM BUDGIE? Yeah, you know, you're a CUM BUDGIE.
That's got Jimmy's nod of approval.
Suitably smutty.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Pancake Kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone, time for our first game.
Sean and Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
Can we have three consonants, please, Rachel? Yes, G, S and R.
- And then a vowel, please.
- O.
- And then another vowel, please.
- I.
- And then a consonant, please.
- L.
- And then a vowel, please.
- E.
- And then.
- Consonant and a vowel.
- And then a consonant and vowel, please.
- And T and A.
OK, your 30 seconds is about to start, but as a special treat, please welcome back the legend that is Paul Young.
COUNTDOWN JINGLE Jon, how many? Oh, 8.
"Oh, 8"? Like, "It should have been a 9"? Yeah, be very hard to say, "Oh, 8," and then go, "9, 1, 50, 50, 50.
" Whose number is that? It was a chatroom from the '90s I believe.
08 91 50 50 50! - That was Hot Guys, wasn't it? - Yeah, and a guy doing that with dumb bats.
Yeah, yeah, I remember that, yeah.
Make new friends on the telephone.
I remember that.
- It's how we all met, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah.
Joe, how many? - 8.
- No, how many letters? - More like it.
Katherine, how many? - 6.
- OK, Sean? - 7.
Let's hear yours, Joe.
- HE TRILLS - Later.
Katherine? I only have SOILER.
SOILER? Yeah, like a baby.
Sean, your 7? LOITERS.
OK, LOITERS.
Jon, your 8-letter word.
GLOATERS.
Very good.
OK, Sean Bean? We had GLOATERS as well.
Could they have done any better than GLOATERS? We had TOERAGS as well.
TOERAGS, that's 7, Susie.
Yeah, I know, but I like it.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 8.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Jon, Joe, you got a pick of the numbers.
We'd like 1 big one and 5 small ones, please.
- Thank you, Jon.
10, 2 - Oh, 10 is the best one.
- 8, 1, 8 and the big one - Oh, they're really good.
- .
.
100.
- Yes, all the sweet ones.
- The target - Oh, yes! Don't you dare, please! Please, please, please, don't do that, please.
I've got it, I've got it, I have got it.
- I don't wanna break his heart.
- Please, please.
- If 108 comes up and you don't get it.
- Oh, this is bullshit.
Fine! - That's it! - Press it again, Rachel.
Oh, great.
Yes, that'll do.
No.
That'll do.
OK, your time starts.
It's impossible.
Hang on, Jon.
Crap.
So, the target was 719, Joe did you get it? - I think so, yeah.
- OK.
I didn't, I didn't.
- Jon, did you get it? - Er, yes.
- Sean, did you get it? - 720.
- Katherine? - I only got 720 too.
720, OK, so Jon how did you do it? - 10 x 8 is 800.
- 100 x 8 is 800.
- That's what I did.
10 times 8 is 80, take that away and take the 1 away.
- Oh, that's incredible.
- 10 points to Jon.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NEED TUSH, the clue is "Yes, please.
" That's NEED TUSH.
Yes, please.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were PENIS ART, the clue was - good to decorate your house.
It was, of course, PAINTERS.
OK, on with the game.
Sean, Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
I was just going to have a look at some more of my website.
Oh, well, yeah.
What else is on there? - There's my gallery, my picture gallery.
- Ooh.
That's a hookworm.
That's a parking space.
I didn't have my car with me day and I was thinking to myself, "Ooh!" That's nice, isn't it? That's a sunset.
That's a red squirrel.
Is it? He's very old so he's gone grey.
LAUGHTER And then there's my tour dates and I'd just like to go say to all my fans, thanks for the smaller venues this year.
Erm I'm playing the Little Chef in Oadby.
Thornton Needle Exchange.
Go Ape, Winchester.
I'm on the third platform.
John's Tyre and Exhaust Centre, Wrexham.
And my opening like is there - you know, Wrexham Tyres and Exhausts, yes, it does, I've been here an hour, I'm knackered.
And my London dates, I'm playing the 03 in Luton.
Sean's website, everyone.
Sean and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonantand a vowel and HE TRIPS OVER HIS WORDS T, O, N.
Consonant, please.
D Consonant.
W Consonant.
Vowel.
E Vowel.
A Consonant.
S And your time starts now.
Katherine, how many? I've got a risky eight.
- A risky eight? - Mhm.
- OK, Sean? - Seven.
- OK.
Jon, how many? I've got a joke nine, but if I say nine, everyone will get excited and then the joke will fall flat, cos it'll just piss people off.
Its not like you're gonna lose You're gonna lose the game, is it? Well, let's build it up - because I think it's nice sometimes to disappoint people.
- Right.
- How many have you got? - Nine.
- Nine! AUDIENCE: Ooh! Well, I hope it's not just a joke one, this better be good.
- Joe, how many have you got? - A four.
- OK, what is your four, Joe.
- TEAS.
Sean, your seven? DONATES.
- Your risky eight, Katherine? - No.
Go on, what's your risky eight? It was SWEATED when I thought there were two Es.
OK.
And the nine.
Well, I think it's because of Sean's website - I've put TOWNDATES.
- From your tour schedule.
- Yes.
Now do the joke one.
I got it at the last minute and I thought Sean's just done his tour, so I'll say, "Oh, I've got towndates, "but I think that's just because you did your tour.
" And I said I've got a nine but I don't think it's very funny, and you all said, "Oh, fucking do it!" Luckily, after my A levels, I got a degree in disaster management.
I got a first.
It helps me.
- OK, so seven points to Sean and Katherine.
- Woo-hoo! Sean Bean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Lady Dent, take the honour.
You have found a nine.
There is a nine and its almost as boring as Jon's - DOWNSTATE - .
.
is there.
- Ah Susie Dent, nine letters.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How about we take one final trip to Dictionary Corner? Sean Bean.
Allow to introduce you to a friend of mine.
Meet Yakult.
I love this stuff, I can't get enough of it.
I drink it, snort it, inject it into me Johnson, bottle and all, thwomp.
- Lady Dent, would thou care to join me? - Yes.
Bacteria can be classy.
- Would you like to taste before? - I'd love to.
Whoa! No! I'll tell you what, she's had worse things splatted over her.
- It's quite nice.
- It's nice.
- Yeah, very nice.
It's a vintage, it's out of date.
But I love this stuff, I truly do.
I've been drinking it steadily to the point where I'm now two thirds yoghurt.
But it's not all good news, sometimes it can create a bloating.
A bloating the likes of which can only be relieved by the hand of another.
Sorry, what are you talking about? I'm talking about milking, Lord Carr.
Jon, son of Richard - Wilt thou aid me in my dilemma? - Yes.
Give him a round of applause, let's go! Put that on, you'll need it.
And relax, my friend, it's far worse than you could ever imagine.
Down there, lads.
- Oh, goodness.
- Nice.
There you go.
Now, listen, for three score years in ten, I've been a slave to the Japanese gut spunk.
Whilst it's done untold wonders inside, on the outside it's turned my body into a car crash.
It's caused changes, mutations, to the point where I have now grown out of my actual thorax .
.
actual udders LAUGHTER And, boy, oh, boy, do they look ripe for the milking right now.
You're gonna wanna kneel down for this one, my friend.
Take the stool there, why not? Now, open up your hand.
It's a three-point procedure.
Nice and flat now.
Just gather up me udders in your palm.
Go on, go on.
Ooh, you bastard.
Warm your hands up first! It's like getting wanked by a choc-ice.
Go on, there you go.
That's it, delicate, does it? Now, what I need you to do, aim them towards me, like you were aiming Ahh! Aiming trebuchet at walls of castle.
And with your digit finger, puncture my flow one at a time.
Go.
LAUGHTER Do it.
Now All right.
Yeah, that's it, squeeze it out, squeeze it, squeeze it.
Oh! - And now it's the final part procedure - It's so warm.
I've been sat there for an hour! Now, my friend, we drink the milk.
Oh, no.
No, you have that.
You enjoy that.
I'm vegan as of, like, now.
It's your loss.
AUDIENCE: Eugh! Wonderful.
Give it up for my friend there.
That's a career low.
That's That really feels like a rock-bottom for you.
At least now I'll know why people are shouting Yakult at me in the street.
Sean Bean, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are BONK LIS The clue is - this could get messy.
That's BONK LIST - this could get messy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back the answer to the teaser, the words were bonk list, the clue was this could get messy.
It was of course, ink blots.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Joe, your turn to choose.
A consonant, please.
Thank you, Jon.
C.
A vowel, please.
I.
A vowel, please.
A.
And a consonant, please.
D.
And a consonant, please.
R.
A consonant.
F.
A vowel, please.
U.
And a consonant, please.
H.
And a final letter, please.
Which one do you want? The T, I think.
- Or, the T.
- T, done.
OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
Arise, Sir Jimmy Carr.
Am I misreading this, or do you want to MUSIC: "Je T'aime Moi Non Plus by Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg OK, thank you.
OK, so, r, how many, Jon? Five.
- OK.
Joe? - A risky four.
- Katherine, how many? - Five.
OK, Sean? Four.
OK, well, let's hear your four, Sean.
Arch.
OK.
Joe, your risky four.
Drut.
Could you use it in a sentence? I hope drut's a word.
What do you think "drut" might mean? Er, forward thinking.
My God, that's guy's drut.
Susie, is drut a word? No.
OK.
Katherine, your five? Fruit.
Fruit.
OK.
And Jon? Chair.
OK, five points to both teams.
Sean Bean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? We got seven, haircut.
Ah.
Ah.
OK, so, Sean and Katherine have 19, Jon and Joe have 33.
You are playing for pride.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's Countdown conundrum.
We can't lose, right? - Yes, you will.
- You cannot lose.
I might nip for a piss, then.
OK, your time starts now.
Well, don't do it there! Sorry.
- Is it ponytails? - Yes.
Yeah.
OK, so the final scores are, Sean and Katherine have 29.
Jon and Joe have won with 33.
Congratulations, Jon and Joe, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Pancake kit.
Now, to play us out, please welcome back Paul Young with Come Back And Stay.
Paul Young, everyone.
APPLAUSE COUNTDOWN JINGLE LAUGHTER
OK, lets meet tonight's players.
First up it's team captain Jon Richardson.
Jon has talked a lot about unnecessarily worrying about things - things like, has he left the gas on? Is his marriage all right? And do people think he's boring? Don't worry, Jon - you probably haven't left the gas on.
That's a relief.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Joe's got a little bit of everything .
.
stuck in his beard.
Up against them this evening it's team captain Sean Lock.
Sean's got a face for comedy and a head for baldness.
- I'm not bald.
- Oh, I mean That didn't work, did it? That joke doesn't work.
I would say you look a little It's like an egg that's been dropped on a barber's floor.
It's like a dog's favourite tennis ball.
But it's It's not bald.
- Well, I take it back.
- Oh, OK.
And joining Sean tonight is Katherine Ryan.
Some people have accused Katherine of being two-faced.
But to be fair one of those faces is underneath the new one.
True.
Sean, are you superstitious? Well, no more than your average person, you know usual things, you know.
What sort of things? Well, I wouldn't wear new slippers on a full moon, those kinds of things.
If you happen upon a sheep on a rainy day, curtsey.
Just the normal ones, Jimmy.
The regular stuff everyone Yeah, never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
If you find a pigeon in your bathroom, salute and say, "How's the admiral?" The usual ones.
Never read a pop-up book about giraffes.
Yeah, just the usual ones.
Well, I'm glad I asked.
Katherine, you're a keen follower of celeb gossip.
Who are you into at the moment, who do you like? Well, you know I'm massively in Cardi B.
Very much on your own - explain.
Well, Cardi B is an incredible artist and very famous social media comedian of sorts, but she started as a stripper.
She got a record deal, loving hip-hop and now she's famous, my favourite person.
Cardi B and I have a lot of the same experience in growth and in life.
Even though I never started as a stripper in the Bronx, I started as a Hooters Waitress in Canada, and a Hooter's waitress essentially, as Jimmy tells me all the time - Well, it's a stripper that can't dance.
- Right.
I'm guessing - is it your accent or, she's not from this country? - Oh - SHE TRILLS BRONX ACCENT: Cardi B talks like she's from the Bronx, like this all the time, you know what I'm saying.
NORMAL ACCENT: So I do it in a Canadian accent.
Sorry what was the bird noise at the beginning? She invents a lot of her own language, so she calls money "smunny" and then when she says OK she goes "Oh" - SHE TRILLS - Like that, can you do that? SHE TRILLS No, because I'm not at primary school, so - OK, Jon.
- Mm-hm.
Jon, have you let yourself down recently? - Oh - HE TRILLS I let myself down a lot.
Every day I try avocado again, I let myself down.
Keeping thinking, this time, it's going to be nice.
Never is.
Looks green and looks like it's going to be like an apple, like a mushy Like a Starburst.
And it keeps on tasting like a dick that's been buried.
HE TRILLS Joe, what did you want to Be when you grew up? Erm, what I really wanted to be was a cameraman on this show, because it's the best job in the world, ain't it? Because they do fuck-all.
Because nothing happens on the show, does it? Half of them are asleep, if you look.
But then, a few months ago I noticed there was a job going as one of the cameras, so I applied.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah, and I got down to the last few, but I was pipped to the post by that jammy cow.
What a No, no, what annoys me is she is.
.
She is dog shit, right? Right, just show what, what her camera's pointing at, Pointing at cables! Absolute shit, it's now who you know, it's who you blow, ain't it, Edith? Go fuck yourself, Joe.
APPLAUSE That's unprofessional.
Get her out! Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I thought it would be nice to catch up with some of the correspondence that we get on the show - we get a lot of tweets sent in and some of them are mean and I know, Sean, you're not on Twitter, so I thought it would be nice for you to understand some of the witty banter - that goes back and forth.
- Hmm, thank you.
They're not all horrible, I have to say.
This is the first one coming from Smiling Axolotl.
"The way the other people on Countdown treat you "makes me genuinely sad, to be honest.
" That's lovely, isn't it? They're genuine, are they? These are genuine, yeah.
What and they post these big In a big envelope? Yeah, with a big stamp.
And this one is for all of us.
You all need to have a long look at yourselves and think about the responsibility we have here.
This came in from Andrew Pickford 5, my favourite man.
Yes! Poor bastard - and look, 11 in the morning.
He slept on that.
This one's serious.
Now you have accept that when, like myself, you're one of the edgy comedians, I say a lot of things Sometimes you say something - and I know when I've done it, I've said something pretty controversial, it's pissed people off.
So I said something that upset Victoria.
Whoa! And she's gone straight to the big wigs.
What did you What did you say about kittens? I think someone had a kitten on and I said that they eat birds, and I think Victoria has taken umbrage with that fact.
She's probably switched over to watch a nice, you know, Attenborough documentary where a gazelle gets ripped to shreds by four lions.
You don't expect kittens to be slagged off on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, you certainly don't - that's probably why she tuned in, she was confused.
Well, I suggest she might enjoy the show called 10 Out Of 10 Cats.
You can be ruthless sometimes, though.
Sit down, Victoria - you've been served.
Do you want a towel? Cos you've just got rinsed.
Do you know, if you responded to her in the way that Cardi B might, you'd say something like BRONX ACCENT: .
.
how you gon' suck yo' man's dick with my name in yo' mouth? APPLAUSE What camera am I on? So Hey, Victoria.
Go on, you can get this.
Come on, Jon, you can do this.
HE TRILLS - Yo, Victoria, how are you gonna suck all the - BLEEP - With a fruit pastel in your mouth.
- With a fruit pastel in your mouth? Yeah, that's it.
Jon's tweets, everyone.
CHEERING Katherine, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot, Jimmy, I attended my daughter's recorder concert at the school, and it made it very clear to me straight away that the arts need to be urgently defunded.
We can't be going to any more of this garbage.
So, I confiscated her recorder and then also her dad bought her these drumsticks, I say her dad, it was my best guess at the time.
And so, these are drumming sticks and they're really fun, actually, you don't even need a hard surface.
HOLLOW DRUMMING You can drum on anything.
Do you wanna give them a go Sean? Yes, I'd very much like, yeah.
- OK, so - HOLLOW DRUMMING What I thought Sean and I could do for the programme is, erm, spice it up a bit with some percussion, perhaps happy music when we win, a celebration, you know.
So, if we get, erm, the Conundrum, wow! I mean, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
If we beat Joe and Jon on words.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- If I get a word more than three letters.
- Yeah, that's it.
Then we'll do a celebration like this, right? MELODY PLAYS Suck my nipples.
Suck my nipples.
Sean, have you have you got a mascot? I do, Jimmy, what I thought I'd do is I thought, you know, you're always making jokes about me, about my age, I'm a grandad and all that, and I thought, well, I'm gonna get digital on your arse, and I've finally created my own website.
Yeah, and I made it myself, I did a course, I didn't know how to do it online, so I had to do it by post.
And here it is, I think it looks great.
There's things up there, you can go on there, look, there's fun facts about Sean look, there we go look, fun facts about Sean.
But there's other I've got merchandise, there's my merchandise.
Now, I've chosen Just getting rid of some stuff from my loft, so there's a leaf blower that I've signed there, you can buy that.
And if you look at it, it's a seriously powerful leaf blower, but apparently we don't have room for it any more.
That's our double bed which we're selling and that's got a lot of sentimental, because all our children were conceived on that bed.
Either on that bed or near it.
What else is there? Oh, there's my inbox.
Look if you see, I've got 170 unread messages.
Beyonce bought the leaf blower.
Oh, my God.
And, er, it caused a bit, she's a bit upset basically because she didn't realise how powerful it was and it did It actually took the skin off JAY-Z's rice pudding.
He's furious about that.
And there's Oh, look, there's a surprise one here.
- Look, there we go.
- This is a lovely photo of you.
And that's one of my the peculiarities about my family, we've got baboon's arses.
Sean's website, everyone.
Joe, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I do, yeah, I brought along '80s pop singer Paul Young.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Young.
RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE It's only Paul Young.
Is he gonna sing one of his classics for us? No, no, he's not gonna sing, no.
Why would he not be singing? I couldn't afford it, it, he's 80 quid to hire for the afternoon and it's an extra 40 if you want him to sing, and I thought, "Oh, fuck that!" So instead what I thought we could do, we could just stare at him for 30 seconds while we have a Cornetto.
So, there you go, Jimmy, pass them round.
Rachel, there you go.
- Has everyone got one? - So, what, we're having a Cornetto and staring at Paul Young for 30 seconds? Go on, then, sod off.
Well, over in Dictionary Corner, it's the legend that is actor Sean Bean.
Bastards.
For anyone that might be, I don't know, been living in a cave, could you tell us who is Sean Bean? Well, imagine, if you will, the world of celebrity is a map, find a town marked A-list then head south.
Sean Bean is an actor and star of such films as the one where I talk like this and the one where I talk like this in a dress.
I've been shot, stabbed, beheaded and devoured, that was all just on way here this evening.
Sean laughs, Sean laughs.
If there's any kids out there who still wanna know who Sean Bean is, just ask internet, just get out my device.
Alexa, who is Sean Bean? ALEXA: Did you ask, "What is straight to DVD?" Who is Sean Bean? What is three-dimensional minus one? Who is Sean Bean? What is children born out of wedlock? That's a bit more like it, you bastard, good.
That's Sean Bean, everyone.
Apologies for that.
I'm sure you've had worst things spat in your face.
What does that mean, Jimmy? What does that actually mean? When you say, "I'm sure you've had worse things spat at you "than a crow's head?" What could be worse than someone spitting a crow's head? There's not much worse than that.
Sorry, just having a bit of a cry, I might need a tissue.
It's very reassuring to look over there and see Paul Young.
Just in case I'm not having a weird enough day.
And with Sean, of course, it's Susie Dent.
Susie, have you discovered any new words recently? Yeah, I like the sort of new old words, so the old words that have kind of completely faded from view and then I'd like to bring those back, so there's whoopensocker, which is quite nice.
A whoopensocker is something extremely large of its kind, like yourlike your head.
- Like your head.
- You're not gonna step away from that.
All you've gotta do is get your head on that.
What? If you're not gonna do it, I'll do it.
What, like my cock? Thank you, Sean.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel Riley recently celebrated ten years on Countdown, and she's irreplaceable to the show, just like Des Lynam before they replaced him.
- So, ten years on Countdown - Yeah.
- .
.
how did you celebrate? Erm, I posted loads of filth over the last ten years from Countdown, - regular Countdown.
- Regular Countdown filth? Yeah, so things that have popped up on the board like, FU PENISES, BE VAGINAS, - CUM BUDGIE.
- CUM BUDGIE? Yeah, you know, you're a CUM BUDGIE.
That's got Jimmy's nod of approval.
Suitably smutty.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Pancake Kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone, time for our first game.
Sean and Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
Can we have three consonants, please, Rachel? Yes, G, S and R.
- And then a vowel, please.
- O.
- And then another vowel, please.
- I.
- And then a consonant, please.
- L.
- And then a vowel, please.
- E.
- And then.
- Consonant and a vowel.
- And then a consonant and vowel, please.
- And T and A.
OK, your 30 seconds is about to start, but as a special treat, please welcome back the legend that is Paul Young.
COUNTDOWN JINGLE Jon, how many? Oh, 8.
"Oh, 8"? Like, "It should have been a 9"? Yeah, be very hard to say, "Oh, 8," and then go, "9, 1, 50, 50, 50.
" Whose number is that? It was a chatroom from the '90s I believe.
08 91 50 50 50! - That was Hot Guys, wasn't it? - Yeah, and a guy doing that with dumb bats.
Yeah, yeah, I remember that, yeah.
Make new friends on the telephone.
I remember that.
- It's how we all met, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah.
Joe, how many? - 8.
- No, how many letters? - More like it.
Katherine, how many? - 6.
- OK, Sean? - 7.
Let's hear yours, Joe.
- HE TRILLS - Later.
Katherine? I only have SOILER.
SOILER? Yeah, like a baby.
Sean, your 7? LOITERS.
OK, LOITERS.
Jon, your 8-letter word.
GLOATERS.
Very good.
OK, Sean Bean? We had GLOATERS as well.
Could they have done any better than GLOATERS? We had TOERAGS as well.
TOERAGS, that's 7, Susie.
Yeah, I know, but I like it.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 8.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Jon, Joe, you got a pick of the numbers.
We'd like 1 big one and 5 small ones, please.
- Thank you, Jon.
10, 2 - Oh, 10 is the best one.
- 8, 1, 8 and the big one - Oh, they're really good.
- .
.
100.
- Yes, all the sweet ones.
- The target - Oh, yes! Don't you dare, please! Please, please, please, don't do that, please.
I've got it, I've got it, I have got it.
- I don't wanna break his heart.
- Please, please.
- If 108 comes up and you don't get it.
- Oh, this is bullshit.
Fine! - That's it! - Press it again, Rachel.
Oh, great.
Yes, that'll do.
No.
That'll do.
OK, your time starts.
It's impossible.
Hang on, Jon.
Crap.
So, the target was 719, Joe did you get it? - I think so, yeah.
- OK.
I didn't, I didn't.
- Jon, did you get it? - Er, yes.
- Sean, did you get it? - 720.
- Katherine? - I only got 720 too.
720, OK, so Jon how did you do it? - 10 x 8 is 800.
- 100 x 8 is 800.
- That's what I did.
10 times 8 is 80, take that away and take the 1 away.
- Oh, that's incredible.
- 10 points to Jon.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NEED TUSH, the clue is "Yes, please.
" That's NEED TUSH.
Yes, please.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were PENIS ART, the clue was - good to decorate your house.
It was, of course, PAINTERS.
OK, on with the game.
Sean, Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
I was just going to have a look at some more of my website.
Oh, well, yeah.
What else is on there? - There's my gallery, my picture gallery.
- Ooh.
That's a hookworm.
That's a parking space.
I didn't have my car with me day and I was thinking to myself, "Ooh!" That's nice, isn't it? That's a sunset.
That's a red squirrel.
Is it? He's very old so he's gone grey.
LAUGHTER And then there's my tour dates and I'd just like to go say to all my fans, thanks for the smaller venues this year.
Erm I'm playing the Little Chef in Oadby.
Thornton Needle Exchange.
Go Ape, Winchester.
I'm on the third platform.
John's Tyre and Exhaust Centre, Wrexham.
And my opening like is there - you know, Wrexham Tyres and Exhausts, yes, it does, I've been here an hour, I'm knackered.
And my London dates, I'm playing the 03 in Luton.
Sean's website, everyone.
Sean and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonantand a vowel and HE TRIPS OVER HIS WORDS T, O, N.
Consonant, please.
D Consonant.
W Consonant.
Vowel.
E Vowel.
A Consonant.
S And your time starts now.
Katherine, how many? I've got a risky eight.
- A risky eight? - Mhm.
- OK, Sean? - Seven.
- OK.
Jon, how many? I've got a joke nine, but if I say nine, everyone will get excited and then the joke will fall flat, cos it'll just piss people off.
Its not like you're gonna lose You're gonna lose the game, is it? Well, let's build it up - because I think it's nice sometimes to disappoint people.
- Right.
- How many have you got? - Nine.
- Nine! AUDIENCE: Ooh! Well, I hope it's not just a joke one, this better be good.
- Joe, how many have you got? - A four.
- OK, what is your four, Joe.
- TEAS.
Sean, your seven? DONATES.
- Your risky eight, Katherine? - No.
Go on, what's your risky eight? It was SWEATED when I thought there were two Es.
OK.
And the nine.
Well, I think it's because of Sean's website - I've put TOWNDATES.
- From your tour schedule.
- Yes.
Now do the joke one.
I got it at the last minute and I thought Sean's just done his tour, so I'll say, "Oh, I've got towndates, "but I think that's just because you did your tour.
" And I said I've got a nine but I don't think it's very funny, and you all said, "Oh, fucking do it!" Luckily, after my A levels, I got a degree in disaster management.
I got a first.
It helps me.
- OK, so seven points to Sean and Katherine.
- Woo-hoo! Sean Bean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Lady Dent, take the honour.
You have found a nine.
There is a nine and its almost as boring as Jon's - DOWNSTATE - .
.
is there.
- Ah Susie Dent, nine letters.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How about we take one final trip to Dictionary Corner? Sean Bean.
Allow to introduce you to a friend of mine.
Meet Yakult.
I love this stuff, I can't get enough of it.
I drink it, snort it, inject it into me Johnson, bottle and all, thwomp.
- Lady Dent, would thou care to join me? - Yes.
Bacteria can be classy.
- Would you like to taste before? - I'd love to.
Whoa! No! I'll tell you what, she's had worse things splatted over her.
- It's quite nice.
- It's nice.
- Yeah, very nice.
It's a vintage, it's out of date.
But I love this stuff, I truly do.
I've been drinking it steadily to the point where I'm now two thirds yoghurt.
But it's not all good news, sometimes it can create a bloating.
A bloating the likes of which can only be relieved by the hand of another.
Sorry, what are you talking about? I'm talking about milking, Lord Carr.
Jon, son of Richard - Wilt thou aid me in my dilemma? - Yes.
Give him a round of applause, let's go! Put that on, you'll need it.
And relax, my friend, it's far worse than you could ever imagine.
Down there, lads.
- Oh, goodness.
- Nice.
There you go.
Now, listen, for three score years in ten, I've been a slave to the Japanese gut spunk.
Whilst it's done untold wonders inside, on the outside it's turned my body into a car crash.
It's caused changes, mutations, to the point where I have now grown out of my actual thorax .
.
actual udders LAUGHTER And, boy, oh, boy, do they look ripe for the milking right now.
You're gonna wanna kneel down for this one, my friend.
Take the stool there, why not? Now, open up your hand.
It's a three-point procedure.
Nice and flat now.
Just gather up me udders in your palm.
Go on, go on.
Ooh, you bastard.
Warm your hands up first! It's like getting wanked by a choc-ice.
Go on, there you go.
That's it, delicate, does it? Now, what I need you to do, aim them towards me, like you were aiming Ahh! Aiming trebuchet at walls of castle.
And with your digit finger, puncture my flow one at a time.
Go.
LAUGHTER Do it.
Now All right.
Yeah, that's it, squeeze it out, squeeze it, squeeze it.
Oh! - And now it's the final part procedure - It's so warm.
I've been sat there for an hour! Now, my friend, we drink the milk.
Oh, no.
No, you have that.
You enjoy that.
I'm vegan as of, like, now.
It's your loss.
AUDIENCE: Eugh! Wonderful.
Give it up for my friend there.
That's a career low.
That's That really feels like a rock-bottom for you.
At least now I'll know why people are shouting Yakult at me in the street.
Sean Bean, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are BONK LIS The clue is - this could get messy.
That's BONK LIST - this could get messy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back the answer to the teaser, the words were bonk list, the clue was this could get messy.
It was of course, ink blots.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Joe, your turn to choose.
A consonant, please.
Thank you, Jon.
C.
A vowel, please.
I.
A vowel, please.
A.
And a consonant, please.
D.
And a consonant, please.
R.
A consonant.
F.
A vowel, please.
U.
And a consonant, please.
H.
And a final letter, please.
Which one do you want? The T, I think.
- Or, the T.
- T, done.
OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
Arise, Sir Jimmy Carr.
Am I misreading this, or do you want to MUSIC: "Je T'aime Moi Non Plus by Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg OK, thank you.
OK, so, r, how many, Jon? Five.
- OK.
Joe? - A risky four.
- Katherine, how many? - Five.
OK, Sean? Four.
OK, well, let's hear your four, Sean.
Arch.
OK.
Joe, your risky four.
Drut.
Could you use it in a sentence? I hope drut's a word.
What do you think "drut" might mean? Er, forward thinking.
My God, that's guy's drut.
Susie, is drut a word? No.
OK.
Katherine, your five? Fruit.
Fruit.
OK.
And Jon? Chair.
OK, five points to both teams.
Sean Bean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? We got seven, haircut.
Ah.
Ah.
OK, so, Sean and Katherine have 19, Jon and Joe have 33.
You are playing for pride.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's Countdown conundrum.
We can't lose, right? - Yes, you will.
- You cannot lose.
I might nip for a piss, then.
OK, your time starts now.
Well, don't do it there! Sorry.
- Is it ponytails? - Yes.
Yeah.
OK, so the final scores are, Sean and Katherine have 29.
Jon and Joe have won with 33.
Congratulations, Jon and Joe, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Pancake kit.
Now, to play us out, please welcome back Paul Young with Come Back And Stay.
Paul Young, everyone.
APPLAUSE COUNTDOWN JINGLE LAUGHTER