8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e08 Episode Script
Christmas Special 2019
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight, on the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Bob Mortimer, Lucy Beaumont, Adam Buxton, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special.
A show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's Team captain Sean Lock.
If Sean Lock was in the nativity, he'd be the inn keeper telling Mary to piss off.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Bob Mortimer.
Bob, great to have you here tonight, er, at Christmas, it's just nice to know not all elderly people are alone.
Thank you.
Up against them this evening it's team captain Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson is a family man and I happen to know all his kid wants for Christmas is a stepdad.
And Jon's team-mate, comedian and Jon's actual real wife, Lucy Beaumont! We're going to give Lucy the best Christmas present she's ever had - for the next hour she doesn't have to be alone with Jon.
OK, tell us something about Jon we might not know? Erm, his left testicle So, his left testicle? No, I'm only joking.
So, this is something you might not know, he's got a really big crush .
.
on Anthea Turner.
Is that true, Jon? It is true, yes, I wasn't aware I wasn't aware you knew that.
His biggest fantasy, I think, would be me and Anthea Turner folding clothes together.
There was a little nod there, and a slight warmth in your face there? - Yeah.
- What is it you like about her? I don't think this is really thethe place.
She wouldn't let you take her to B&M on a Sunday, like I would.
- You're going to have to tell Jimmy what B&M is.
- What's B&M? It's one of the leading variety stores in the country.
A variety store? It's a bit like, if B&Q, Homebase screwed Poundland.
- And so you go there every Sunday? - Every Sunday.
- We don't go on a Sunday.
- We do.
- We don't go on a Sunday.
- We do.
- It's too busy on a Sunday.
We go We go on a Monday.
And he says to me, don't you, and you say, "You can have any tea towel you want.
" If you shop at B&M, you can't help but believe that there is a Jesus, because some of the bargains there - Yeah.
- You can get You can get 10 kilograms of kiln dried birchwood, right, for 6.
99.
That's incredible.
In the same shop, you can get, you know those big jars of pickled onions that they only have in pubs or chippies, you can buy those, and you don't need ID.
Jimmy, you can buy as much of the very faded sort of creamy white Imperial, Cussons Imperial Leather - you can literally buy as much, - more than you'll need for your life in one visit.
- Yeah.
And still have change out of a fiver.
Well, welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special in association with B&M.
APPLAUSE I guess that's what we're doing now.
I mean, for fairness, other shit shops are available.
Sean, what's your favourite thing about Christmas? B&M.
No, my favourite thing about Christmas, Jimmy, is this lovely sound, which is the sound of jingle bells.
BELLS JINGLE I love it because you can, it doesn't matter what you say, it just sounds Christmassy.
You can say something like - BELLS JINGLE - The final white rhinoceros has been killed .
.
rendering the species extinct.
BELLS JINGLE I'm not actually your real father.
- BELLS JINGLE - But I am your cousin.
See, it just sounds Christmassy, doesn't it? What's making that noise, your testicles? BELLS JINGLE And once the eggs hatch out, they burrow through your nasal passage into your brain and feed on your cerebellum until you're driven insane.
So, that's what I like about Christmas, Jimmy.
It's lovely.
Bob, talk us through a typical Mortimer Christmas.
I just mainly think of myself being sat in front of the TV enjoying very dry meat.
It's funny, it's one of the driest of meats but we insist on making it last over three days.
I'm sure Jon would like to help you out with that.
He's itching to get involved in this one, aren't you? What I must first do, as a vegan, is point out that I'm a vegan and so we don't eat turkey any more.
But, yeah, you really stuff some nice fats up, stuff a whole You don't even, you don't eat meat at Christmas? - No, well - What? - Lucy, are you vegan as well? - We're both vegans, aren't we? - You're both vegan.
- But you have blue cheese Oh, you deserve each other.
.
.
and fish, and I have beef and pork crackling.
It's gravy.
But apart from that we're vegan.
OK.
Er, Bob, have you got a mascot? I have, Jimmy, yeah.
I've brought along, erm, my very favourite pen, attached to my very favourite whole roast chicken.
I've often thought when I m come in here when I see Sean, that Sean might kidnap me, you know, and harvest my organs? But whilst I've got this, I'll be able to write me will and have sufficient protein to see me through that process.
Is it warm? It was when we first, met but no longer.
It does look like a good roast chicken.
It looks lovely, mm.
What are you Lucy, the worst vegan in human history? It's only since, it's only since I've been vegan, I've never ate so much beef.
Er, Lucy have you got a mascot? Well, there's a few things.
These are all things that I've stolen from Airbnbs.
Why are you ste? Well, can I explain? Because when we stay in Airbnbs, you make us tidy up, don't we, when we leave? He wants it to look tidier than when we went in, and, and they charge us a cleaning fee.
So, I think, just to piss him off I think, "Oh, I'll just steal sommat, then.
" - Jon, have you got a mascot? - Erm, well it's Christmas and it's a time to think about those who are on their own at Christmas.
I think one of the big things you miss out on, if you're on your own at Christmas is, a good old argument in the afternoon over a board game.
So, I've developed some sort of classic board games but for, that can be played by one person on their own.
So, this one is called, erm, actually it's Guess Whom? - Oh.
- And er, it's based on the classic.
So, what you do is, it comes with a timer, and you're sat on your own, the timer goes off, you go to your actual door, and you look through the little peep hole, and you ask a question each time like, oh, has the person got glasses? And you go and look through the door, and if it's not you Adam, I'll pop you down there.
There you go, no glasses.
And then the timer goes off again, and you go back and forth, and eventually you realise there's nobody at the door, because of course, you're on your own.
And that's the way it's going to stay because you're the kind of person that say's, "Actually it's Guess Whom?" Maybe you deserve to die alone.
Erm, so, I've both adapted this game for .
.
for one person and for the modern age.
So, this is Solopoly.
Erm, and given what life is like for young people on their own now, instead of You don't, it doesn't come with any houses or hotels because obviously nobody now will ever own a house or a hotel again.
So, the aim of this game, travel around the board amassing debt until you end up in prison with no means of escape.
I've also updated the little playing pieces because I think they're, they're sort of a bit old-fashioned now.
When have you had time do to all this? It's, you know, when I'm upstairs, that's what I'm doing.
Not doing what you think I'm doing.
I've replaced the car with a little bike because that's sort of more cost effective, isn't it? I've replaced the steam train with a, er, rail replacement bus and I've replaced the little Scottie dog with an overbred pug that's got breathing difficulties.
If you get bored of the game, this one dies about halfway through.
This is my favourite one, er, this again, updated for the modern era, this is No-Peration, erm.
Now, when you order this, there is a 6 -9 month waiting list before it arrives and then the game arrives, it's got a little patient in there and you turn it on, it lights up with all his ailments, but you don't get any of the tools.
So, you just turn it on there and because there's no tools in it, you just watch him die.
Jon's Christmas board games! APPLAUSE Sean, do you have a mascot? It's Christmas, so I got some of my Christmas cards and funnily enough, I do get a lot of Christmas cards from celebrities because I love my showbiz lifestyle.
You know, I'm always turning up at everything, you'll see me there and I love just hanging around celebs.
I just love being in show business.
It's great.
Erm, so I've got some cards here.
This was the one I got from Piers Morgan and I'll just read that out to you, and it says, "Sean, you're right, I'm a massive prick.
"I'm an arsehole and I hate myself, so it's no wonder you hate me, too.
"Merry Christmas to you and your family.
"My Christmas will be miserable.
"Well, I'll be OK, but it won't be "much fun for my family because they've got to spend it with me!!!" And he's done some exclamation marks.
"Piers.
" So, that's nice, you know.
- Yeah.
- Erm, this one is obviously from you, Jimmy.
- Yeah.
- That's your Christmas message this year and, er, it says, "To" And then it just says, "Insert name here.
Merry Christmas from Mr J Carr Limited.
" Because obviously that's tax deductible then.
And er, and that's just his agent's number for booking.
And we've got, oh, we've got one here.
We all know who this is, Jeremy Clarkson.
Remember him? And it says, "Dear Sean, remember me? "I'm the one that does the cars.
"Can you please read the card out on your TV show because "you're on proper telly? "People actually watch your show.
"We're on something called "Am-azon".
"PS, sorry, there's no snow again, that's my fault.
"Merry Christmas, Jeremy.
" And that's my, er, Christmas cards Jimmy.
Sean's Christmas cards, everyone.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Adam Buxton! Adam's got a unique look, a kind of young Santa meets early Gerry Adams.
Adam, what are you looking forward to in the new year? Oh, man, new decade, exciting, 2020 I'm looking forward to celebrating a very exciting anniversary.
It is 30 years since the creation of a seminal bit of film.
It, er, features, these three people here.
That is me, my comedy wife Joe Cornish, and Louis Theroux, when we were younger, and this is what we would get up to in my first rented flat, Clapham Common North Side.
Erm, Friday night, here we go.
MUSIC: "Groove Is In The Heart" Dig! # The chill that you spill up my back # Keep my filled with satisfaction when we're done # Satisfaction of what's to come # I couldn't ask for another # No, I couldn't ask for another # Your groove, I do deeply dig # No walls, only the bridge, my supper dish # My succotash wish I couldn't ask for another You got any embarrassing stuff from back then? And with Adam, of course, it's Susie Dent! Susie's favourite thing about Christmas is a traditional turkey dinner - every Christmas it's the same, gobble, gobble, gobble.
And when she's finished doing that, she has her traditional turkey dinner.
Susie, are there any festive words that you love? Erm, yes, I think every year I talk about the yule hole.
- What? - Erm Erm, the yule hole.
It's the last hole on your belt that you go to after Christmas dinner.
My mum finds if she takes her bra off, she can eat more.
Has she worked in the adult film business for long? And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! - OK, this joke - CLEARS THROA I will stake my reputation on this.
Rachel is heavily pregnant, so let's get a move on, before someone unexpectedly slides down her chimney.
I like that, all the birthing stuff, you have to replace the, the hard words with like phrases that don't scare you, that's quite nice.
It's the birthing process.
I don't want a man explaining it to you, but it'll be fine.
It's no bigger than a bowling ball.
With arms and legs.
Good luck.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight are these, the Countdown ballet costumes.
Time for first game.
Jon, Lucy, you get the first pick of the letters.
How does this normally work at home, who would normally choose things? You let me choose things and then you correct them when I leave the house.
If hanging paintings is anything to go by, I've seen what you've done on the landing.
One fucking picture I've hung in our house.
It's horrible though, it's horrible.
It's a lovely waterfall in the Lake District, come back from tour.
It looks like clip art, it's like clip art.
So, you, you can pick these.
Is it a vowel? Yeah.
E.
E.
Correct - one point.
And then you can say, erm, "'ave another vowel," can't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- O.
- A consonant.
- D.
- And another consonant.
- S.
- A vowel, please.
- A.
- Consonant, please.
- K.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- A vowel please.
- Wait, we should have - No.
No, not a vowel.
OK, consonant.
I can see why she gets on your nerves now, Jon.
And then another consonant.
And the last one, S.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
# Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus # Right down Santa Claus Lane # Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeers pulling on the reins # Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright # So hang your stockings and say your prayers # 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight # Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus # Right down Santa Claus Lane He's got a bag that's filled with toys for boys and girls again APPLAUSE Go on Santa, you fat fuck.
What? Jon, how many letters? - Six.
- Lucy? One two three four Sti Er, sorry five.
That first thing you said wasn't even a number.
Sorry, five letters.
Five letters, OK, Sean, how many? - Six.
- Six, er, Bob? I'm going to try a seven.
Sure, OK, Lucy what was your word? STEAK STEAKS STEAKS Er, Jon your six? Festive word.
- SKATED.
- Wow.
- Like ice-skated.
- Nice.
OK Sean, your six? SKATE .
.
SSS.
Bob your seven-letter word? Well, it's a punt, I thought I'd put an E in front of SKATED and go for ESKATED.
You never know? ESKATED Could you use it in a sentence? Er, "He "He ESKATED from the fish shop.
" No, it's a nice blend, that, but it's not there.
Six points for both teams.
Adam, could they have done any better? They could have had SEDATES.
- My book.
- A good Christmassy word.
So, at the end of that, both teams have six points.
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean, Bob - your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I just have the Seanie special, please? Four little, two large.
Right, your four little ones are 7, 3, 1 .
.
and 9.
And the big two - 50 and 100.
- Are we all doing this? - Oh, yeah.
And the target is 576.
All right, so, your target is 567.
Your time starts now.
# He sees you when you're sleeping # He knows when you're awake # He knows if you've been bad or good # So be good for goodness' sake, hey! # You better watch out, you better not cry # Better not pout, I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town.
Very good.
OK, so, the target was 567.
Bob, did you get it? No.
Sean, did you get it? I got 562.
562.
Lucy did you get it? No, What's 472 add 7? I think the timer's gone off, mate, I know we're on the same team but, if I let it slide now, I've got to let it slide on Christmas Day, and I ain't doing that.
I like the fact you called your wife "mate".
That was my favourite thing about.
- You've got to dream.
- Jon, did you get it? I think I got 568.
OK, how did you get 568? Yeah, I think I got that as well, I just realised but it's too late now.
It's Christmas, we would allow you, have you got 568? Yeah, I can get 568, yeah, do you want me to do it? - Yeah, go on.
- 50 plus 7 50 plus 7, 57.
You want to times that by 10, so you add the 9 and the 1 together.
And you're going to get one away, you reckon? And then you take off the three.
You actually got the answer but you didn't declare the answer.
I just said Well, I did say that.
It's Christmas.
Aw.
It's Christmas though, isn't it? - It is Christmas.
- It's Christmas, innit? And may I be the first to say, "Bah, humbug.
" Er, Jon? What a unique position to be in, where, after someone's got the answer, you have to explain how you got a shitter answer, to win the round.
- That's the show.
- 100 plus 3 - 103.
- Multiplied by 7 minus 1.
- For 618.
- And minus 50.
Yeah.
One away.
Seven points to Jon, for a shitter answer.
OK, so, Sean and Bob have 6, Jon and Lucy have 13.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ELF STAIN.
The clue is - it's getting bigger.
That's ELF STAIN.
It's getting bigger.
Se you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were ELF STAIN, the clue was - it's getting bigger.
It was of course INFLATES.
OK, So Jon and Lucy are in the lead and they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lucy and Bob.
Bob, your turn to choose the letters.
- Could I have a consonant, please? - Thanks, Bob.
Y A vowel, please.
A And a consonant.
- D.
- LUCY: D.
And a vowel.
- E.
- LUCY: E.
Andtwo consonants.
- What? - And T.
And V.
- And two vowels.
- V.
O, and - What are you looking at? - A.
Is that it? - No, you've got another hole.
- Get another consonant.
Consonant, please, consonant.
It looks like a Jewish festival.
H.
OK, and you time startsnow.
Fuck's sake, Susie.
Lucy, how many? How many? One.
One? How many? I thought you meant balls.
You thought this round was how many balls are there? Oh, right.
One, two, three Five.
W One, two, three - yeah, five.
Bob, how many? Five, please.
OK.
- He's there.
- Oh, sorry.
Five, please, Jimmy.
Come on, Susie, put your back into it.
Ah! Erm, Lucy, what was your five? VOTED OK, Bob, your five? AYHOE I think that works, doesn't it? I think it might be hyphenated, I think.
- AYHOE.
- It's AYHOE for a starters.
You're mixing this up with Blankety Blank, aren't you? I think it's a George Formby song.
I was cleaning from the Ayhoe Not that I care about the points, but he did have another five-letter word.
I had hated but I plumped for Ayhoe.
I think, because it's Christmas, we're gonna give it to you.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
- Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE - Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
- It's all fives - DEATH, VOTED.
- All right.
So, at the end of that Sean and Bob have 11, John and Lucy are in the lead with 18.
Time now for Jon and Sean to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I just interrupt a minute, Jimmy? - Yeah, sure.
- Is that all right? - Of course.
- I know What the fuck is going on? We've got something to tell you, Jon.
You tell him, Lucy - you tell him.
You're not the father, Jon.
No, I'm only joking.
No, I've been really hard work all year, and I've got you a special Christmas present.
You know how your big fantasy .
.
is me and someone tidying up? Oh, I'm nervous.
Anthea Turner's here.
Anthea Turner, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm just shimmying through here.
Just shimmy through here and I'm just gonna pop these, Jon, on your knee.
- Well - I think that will keep everything nice and safe.
Do you just want to pull out a little bit? Just pull your chair? Pull out a little bit but not all the way, Jon.
Just pull out a little bit, there we go.
- There we go.
- It doesn't come out any more.
- I'm just going to .
.
move a few things around here.
So - I'll take your lead on this, Anthea.
- Yeah, would you? Someone has to, apparently, don't they, when it's three? So you just relax.
Why is that basket moving? There's a little mouse in the bottom of it.
Shall we make a start? - Yeah.
- Right.
MUSIC: Je T'Aime Moi Non Plus - Follow my lead.
Into the middle.
- Into the middle.
- And then the edge.
- Crease - Shh! - .
.
into the middle.
Into the middle.
- Keep the middle.
- Keep the mouth shut.
Fold it over.
- Fold it over.
- It's all yours.
- Would you like us to do another one? - I don't like it! Right.
Is this nice, Jon? - Into the middle.
- I don't mind it.
- Into the middle.
- Into the middle again.
- Into the middle again.
- We're going to fold it over.
- Fold it over.
Your nails are lovely, Anthea.
Thank you very much.
Yours are, as well.
- It's not quite in the middle, that one.
- Shut up.
Thank you so much.
Anthea Turner, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Do you think that's kick started the passion in our marriage again? I didn't know there wasn't any.
I think we're on schedule - two a year.
I'm very That was very confusing for me.
OK, Jon, pick your numbers.
One big one.
Five little ones.
Five little ones.
And a counsellor.
We've got 9, 10, 3, 5, 1 and 75.
And the target, 122.
Time starts now.
# In the meadow, we can build a snowman # And pretend that he is Parson Brown # He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man # "But you can do the job when you're in town" # Later on, we'll conspire # As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid # The plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland - # To - To face unafraid # The plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland # Walking in a winter wonderland! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The target was 122.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yeah.
OK, Sean how did you get it? - 75, right, it's a number, isn't it? - Yep.
5 x 10 = 50 Add them together.
Take away the 3.
Well done, 122.
APPLAUSE - Jon, the same way? - Yes.
Sean, there was a little glance across there just double checking He's just got He's just drawn a penis with loads of sperm coming out of it.
Into a washing-up basket.
OK, so 10 points for both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Bob have 21, Jon and Lucy still in the lead with 28.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Adam Buxton, what have you got for us? Well, I've got some reviews for you.
Reviews are Christmassy.
And in the modern online environment, negative reviews, bad reviews can really damage a business, and a lot of restaurant owners now have to spend most of their time checking posts left by customers on sites like TripAdvisor and Google Reviews, and respond to them.
For example, the owner of this Indian restaurant in the United Kingdom - we're not naming the restaurant for reasons that will become abundantly clear very shortly.
But for the sake of balance, here's a review from someone called Tony who leaves a generous five-star review.
Most of the reviews for this restaurant were good.
I'm gonna obviously read out mainly the bad ones, cos they're the most enjoyable.
But Tony says And here is the first response from the owner, who says Then it comes to the less positive reviews, beginning with one from Luke.
"As I was eating my main dish, I noticed that several "pieces of my chicken had clean holes punched through them ".
.
and reconstituted into my curry.
" Response from the owner "You and your pretty (lol) girlfriend" "If you believed that the chicken used in your dish was left over "from another customer then why the hell did you finish your meal? "You must also believe your girlfriend "sleeps around - especially with your friends.
" "I'm beginning to wonder if she's been with your father.
" Here's a review from Richard.
"Possibly the worst Indian food "I have ever partially eating in my entire life.
".
.
with so much sugar added it made me retch.
"The poppadoms were so stale they tasted as "though they had been hanging in an Asian food museum for five years.
" That's one of the best museums.
"Let's go and look at the poppadoms!" The pilau rice was like rat's droppings - hard and pellety.
"My wife and I left almost everything and refused when "asked by the waiter to pay a tip.
That evening we were both sick.
" This provoked a response from the owner.
"I doubt you even know what good food tastes like.
" "I'm guessing that you caught your wife looking at another guy "and giving him the wink.
" "That is why you are angry and that you have taken your anger out on us.
"You, Richard, are pure scum of the earth, the lowest of the low.
" "I hope you learn that being a liar is not smart.
Pure idiot.
" There you go - festive customer service there for you from the owner of that Indian restaurant.
Adam Buxton, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are nutty log.
The clue is - I want more.
That's nutty log, I want more.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were "nutty log", the clue was "I want more".
It was, of course, gluttony.
Before we go on, he doesn't work on the show any more, but he keeps on turning up anyway, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER - Merry Christmas, Joe.
- Fuck off.
What's going on? Well, yes, I've had Yeah, I've had my hair cut and it doesn't suit me.
Can we just move on, please? No, I mean Oh, right, why have I got my head stuck out of a dead reindeer's arse? - Yeah, that.
- Yeah.
I was going to come on as Santa, being pulled by a couple of reindeers.
But one of them, this one, Dasher, got a bit nasty.
And he swallowed me whole, and then he died shitting me back out again.
Do you want your present? Er Yeah.
Dasher swallowed that an' all, so I'm going to have saw.
I'm going to have to saw his undercarriage a little bit to get it out.
I got you a tin of Roses.
I've got an idea for a Christmas bonus round.
Oh, right, go on.
The guests could guess whether they think I can crawl out of Dasher's arsehole in under 30 seconds or not.
Bearing in mind this happened last week with another reindeer, Prancer, and I did manage to crawl out in exactly 30 seconds.
I know it sounds like I'm showing off, but Yeah, whoever guesses right will win their team two bonus points.
So, Sean, do you think Joe will be able to climb out of Dasher's arse in under 30 seconds? - Well, what do you think? - Yeah, I reckon.
Do you think we should go for it? - I think we should, yeah.
- We need the points.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, guys, it means a lot.
Jon, Lucy, do you think he'll be able to climb out - of Dasher's arsehole within 30 seconds? - I'm going to say no.
You're going to say no? Fuck you.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
Oh, yeah, oh, I think he's got it.
Come on, you bastard, come on, you bastard.
- Oh, no! - Come on, you bastard.
You're not even trying.
Why has he gone northern? When I get stressed, I sound northern.
Come on! - COUNTDOWN ENDS - Oh, fuck! PARTY POPPERS BANG No, no, I didn't.
No.
I didn't I didn't do it, you penises.
Fuck off.
What happened there, Joe? Where did it all go wrong? Oh, I don't know, Jimmy, I do not know.
The only thing I can think is that Dasher has a much tighter rectum than Prancer.
Thanks to Dasher's ever so tight rectum, it's two points to Lucy and Jon.
Well-played, Lucy and Jon, let's play Countdown! This'll probably be my mental image when I'm giving birth now, won't it? Hello, Mummy! OK, on with the game.
- Jon and Lucy, your turn to choose the letters.
- A consonant, please.
- Consonant, please.
- Thanks, Jon.
- T.
- T.
- T.
A vowel, please.
- E.
- A consonant, please.
- Y.
- Another consonant, please.
- M.
- Am I allowed to look what Jon's writing, or? You can, but it's just the letters that are up there.
A vowel, please.
- O.
- And another vowel, please.
- E.
- And a consonant, please.
- J.
- And another consonant, please.
- R.
- And another vowel.
- I.
- OK, your time starts now.
I need a pen and paper.
COUNTDOWN ENDS OK, Jon, how many? - Six.
- Lucy, how many? - Five.
- Five? - Sean, how many? - Five.
Six, sorry, six.
Six.
- OK, Bob how many? - Four.
- What did you get? - Yeti.
Nice.
Err, Lucy? N-O-Y-E-R.
Noyer, it's a French word.
- It's not in.
- And, Sean, your six? - Meteor.
- Wow.
- Meteor.
- That's brilliant.
- Gosh.
- Thank you, thank you.
- What a brain.
- I know.
Jon, what's your six? - Remote.
- Oh.
Joe, are you OK? No, I'm having a breakdown, but no-one seems to care.
What about a drink? Do you want a drink? Ooh, you got egg nog? Oh, I'd love an egg nog.
Fabio, can you get Joe an egg nog? I'm going to need a straw, aren't I, mate? Otherwise I'm not going to be able to drink it.
Oh! APPLAUSE I didn't expect that much in my ear.
I'm going to get an ear infection because of egg nog.
Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? Only one other, metier, that's your speciality.
Yeah, there's just sixes.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Lucy are in the lead with 36 points.
And here is your final teaser, the words are, "ice orals", the clue is, "I've had too many.
" That's "ice orals", "I've had too many".
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ICE ORALS, the clue was "I've had too many.
" It was of course, CALORIES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Bob, you get to choose.
- Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? - Of course, you can.
S Vowel, please.
E Consonant.
Z Can we throw that one away? Sure, it's Christmas.
Gone.
And, er, just to let you know I'm trying to hold my nose and blow the egg nog out out of my ear and, er, it didn't work.
If it helps, I can pour my water all over your face.
Oh, I'd love that actually.
- Do you want me to? - Please, yeah.
Just Oh Oh! Has that helped? Actually, I'll be honest with you, I couldn't quite hear what you were saying.
When you I thought you'd just asked me how I was.
- Can I have a consonant, please? - Sure.
Oh, the game's going on, is it? P Consonant, please.
F Consonant, please.
S Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
R Consonant, please.
C - Vowel, please.
- And the last one, I OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day # When the kids start singing and the band begins to play # Oh-oh-oh # Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day Let the bells ring out for Christmas.
APPLAUSE - Sean, how many? - Seven.
What, we have to count them all? LAUGHTER Bob, what have you got? I've got five letters.
Five? OK.
- Jon? - Six.
- Lucy? - Five.
I've got five.
- You've got five.
OK, what's your five? - FARCE.
- OK, Bob? PRICE.
PRICE, OK.
Jon, your six? CRISPS.
- Mmm! - Sean? PRAISES.
- Very good.
- PRAISES? Beautiful.
- Oh, lovely shot.
Seven points to Sean.
OK, Adam, Susie could they have done any better? I don't think they could have done any better.
I got ASPIRES.
OK, so Sean and Bob have 34.
Jon and Lucy have 36.
- It couldn't be tighter.
- Ooh! Time for your crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
LUCY: Insert nut? You don't need to do it, it's already done for you, isn't it? JON: That's not a word though.
BELL Bob? REINSERT.
I mean, no.
No.
OK.
No.
- Do you know? - BUZZER Jon? - NUTRIENTS.
- Wow.
- Let's have a look.
- Ah.
- No! APPLAUSE - Yeah.
- Amazing.
So, the final scores are Sean and Bob have 34, Jon and Lucy have 46.
So, congratulations, Jon and Lucy, you're now the proud owner of these, the Countdown Ballet Costumes.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and for all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
Tonight, on the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Bob Mortimer, Lucy Beaumont, Adam Buxton, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special.
A show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's Team captain Sean Lock.
If Sean Lock was in the nativity, he'd be the inn keeper telling Mary to piss off.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Bob Mortimer.
Bob, great to have you here tonight, er, at Christmas, it's just nice to know not all elderly people are alone.
Thank you.
Up against them this evening it's team captain Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson is a family man and I happen to know all his kid wants for Christmas is a stepdad.
And Jon's team-mate, comedian and Jon's actual real wife, Lucy Beaumont! We're going to give Lucy the best Christmas present she's ever had - for the next hour she doesn't have to be alone with Jon.
OK, tell us something about Jon we might not know? Erm, his left testicle So, his left testicle? No, I'm only joking.
So, this is something you might not know, he's got a really big crush .
.
on Anthea Turner.
Is that true, Jon? It is true, yes, I wasn't aware I wasn't aware you knew that.
His biggest fantasy, I think, would be me and Anthea Turner folding clothes together.
There was a little nod there, and a slight warmth in your face there? - Yeah.
- What is it you like about her? I don't think this is really thethe place.
She wouldn't let you take her to B&M on a Sunday, like I would.
- You're going to have to tell Jimmy what B&M is.
- What's B&M? It's one of the leading variety stores in the country.
A variety store? It's a bit like, if B&Q, Homebase screwed Poundland.
- And so you go there every Sunday? - Every Sunday.
- We don't go on a Sunday.
- We do.
- We don't go on a Sunday.
- We do.
- It's too busy on a Sunday.
We go We go on a Monday.
And he says to me, don't you, and you say, "You can have any tea towel you want.
" If you shop at B&M, you can't help but believe that there is a Jesus, because some of the bargains there - Yeah.
- You can get You can get 10 kilograms of kiln dried birchwood, right, for 6.
99.
That's incredible.
In the same shop, you can get, you know those big jars of pickled onions that they only have in pubs or chippies, you can buy those, and you don't need ID.
Jimmy, you can buy as much of the very faded sort of creamy white Imperial, Cussons Imperial Leather - you can literally buy as much, - more than you'll need for your life in one visit.
- Yeah.
And still have change out of a fiver.
Well, welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Special in association with B&M.
APPLAUSE I guess that's what we're doing now.
I mean, for fairness, other shit shops are available.
Sean, what's your favourite thing about Christmas? B&M.
No, my favourite thing about Christmas, Jimmy, is this lovely sound, which is the sound of jingle bells.
BELLS JINGLE I love it because you can, it doesn't matter what you say, it just sounds Christmassy.
You can say something like - BELLS JINGLE - The final white rhinoceros has been killed .
.
rendering the species extinct.
BELLS JINGLE I'm not actually your real father.
- BELLS JINGLE - But I am your cousin.
See, it just sounds Christmassy, doesn't it? What's making that noise, your testicles? BELLS JINGLE And once the eggs hatch out, they burrow through your nasal passage into your brain and feed on your cerebellum until you're driven insane.
So, that's what I like about Christmas, Jimmy.
It's lovely.
Bob, talk us through a typical Mortimer Christmas.
I just mainly think of myself being sat in front of the TV enjoying very dry meat.
It's funny, it's one of the driest of meats but we insist on making it last over three days.
I'm sure Jon would like to help you out with that.
He's itching to get involved in this one, aren't you? What I must first do, as a vegan, is point out that I'm a vegan and so we don't eat turkey any more.
But, yeah, you really stuff some nice fats up, stuff a whole You don't even, you don't eat meat at Christmas? - No, well - What? - Lucy, are you vegan as well? - We're both vegans, aren't we? - You're both vegan.
- But you have blue cheese Oh, you deserve each other.
.
.
and fish, and I have beef and pork crackling.
It's gravy.
But apart from that we're vegan.
OK.
Er, Bob, have you got a mascot? I have, Jimmy, yeah.
I've brought along, erm, my very favourite pen, attached to my very favourite whole roast chicken.
I've often thought when I m come in here when I see Sean, that Sean might kidnap me, you know, and harvest my organs? But whilst I've got this, I'll be able to write me will and have sufficient protein to see me through that process.
Is it warm? It was when we first, met but no longer.
It does look like a good roast chicken.
It looks lovely, mm.
What are you Lucy, the worst vegan in human history? It's only since, it's only since I've been vegan, I've never ate so much beef.
Er, Lucy have you got a mascot? Well, there's a few things.
These are all things that I've stolen from Airbnbs.
Why are you ste? Well, can I explain? Because when we stay in Airbnbs, you make us tidy up, don't we, when we leave? He wants it to look tidier than when we went in, and, and they charge us a cleaning fee.
So, I think, just to piss him off I think, "Oh, I'll just steal sommat, then.
" - Jon, have you got a mascot? - Erm, well it's Christmas and it's a time to think about those who are on their own at Christmas.
I think one of the big things you miss out on, if you're on your own at Christmas is, a good old argument in the afternoon over a board game.
So, I've developed some sort of classic board games but for, that can be played by one person on their own.
So, this one is called, erm, actually it's Guess Whom? - Oh.
- And er, it's based on the classic.
So, what you do is, it comes with a timer, and you're sat on your own, the timer goes off, you go to your actual door, and you look through the little peep hole, and you ask a question each time like, oh, has the person got glasses? And you go and look through the door, and if it's not you Adam, I'll pop you down there.
There you go, no glasses.
And then the timer goes off again, and you go back and forth, and eventually you realise there's nobody at the door, because of course, you're on your own.
And that's the way it's going to stay because you're the kind of person that say's, "Actually it's Guess Whom?" Maybe you deserve to die alone.
Erm, so, I've both adapted this game for .
.
for one person and for the modern age.
So, this is Solopoly.
Erm, and given what life is like for young people on their own now, instead of You don't, it doesn't come with any houses or hotels because obviously nobody now will ever own a house or a hotel again.
So, the aim of this game, travel around the board amassing debt until you end up in prison with no means of escape.
I've also updated the little playing pieces because I think they're, they're sort of a bit old-fashioned now.
When have you had time do to all this? It's, you know, when I'm upstairs, that's what I'm doing.
Not doing what you think I'm doing.
I've replaced the car with a little bike because that's sort of more cost effective, isn't it? I've replaced the steam train with a, er, rail replacement bus and I've replaced the little Scottie dog with an overbred pug that's got breathing difficulties.
If you get bored of the game, this one dies about halfway through.
This is my favourite one, er, this again, updated for the modern era, this is No-Peration, erm.
Now, when you order this, there is a 6 -9 month waiting list before it arrives and then the game arrives, it's got a little patient in there and you turn it on, it lights up with all his ailments, but you don't get any of the tools.
So, you just turn it on there and because there's no tools in it, you just watch him die.
Jon's Christmas board games! APPLAUSE Sean, do you have a mascot? It's Christmas, so I got some of my Christmas cards and funnily enough, I do get a lot of Christmas cards from celebrities because I love my showbiz lifestyle.
You know, I'm always turning up at everything, you'll see me there and I love just hanging around celebs.
I just love being in show business.
It's great.
Erm, so I've got some cards here.
This was the one I got from Piers Morgan and I'll just read that out to you, and it says, "Sean, you're right, I'm a massive prick.
"I'm an arsehole and I hate myself, so it's no wonder you hate me, too.
"Merry Christmas to you and your family.
"My Christmas will be miserable.
"Well, I'll be OK, but it won't be "much fun for my family because they've got to spend it with me!!!" And he's done some exclamation marks.
"Piers.
" So, that's nice, you know.
- Yeah.
- Erm, this one is obviously from you, Jimmy.
- Yeah.
- That's your Christmas message this year and, er, it says, "To" And then it just says, "Insert name here.
Merry Christmas from Mr J Carr Limited.
" Because obviously that's tax deductible then.
And er, and that's just his agent's number for booking.
And we've got, oh, we've got one here.
We all know who this is, Jeremy Clarkson.
Remember him? And it says, "Dear Sean, remember me? "I'm the one that does the cars.
"Can you please read the card out on your TV show because "you're on proper telly? "People actually watch your show.
"We're on something called "Am-azon".
"PS, sorry, there's no snow again, that's my fault.
"Merry Christmas, Jeremy.
" And that's my, er, Christmas cards Jimmy.
Sean's Christmas cards, everyone.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Adam Buxton! Adam's got a unique look, a kind of young Santa meets early Gerry Adams.
Adam, what are you looking forward to in the new year? Oh, man, new decade, exciting, 2020 I'm looking forward to celebrating a very exciting anniversary.
It is 30 years since the creation of a seminal bit of film.
It, er, features, these three people here.
That is me, my comedy wife Joe Cornish, and Louis Theroux, when we were younger, and this is what we would get up to in my first rented flat, Clapham Common North Side.
Erm, Friday night, here we go.
MUSIC: "Groove Is In The Heart" Dig! # The chill that you spill up my back # Keep my filled with satisfaction when we're done # Satisfaction of what's to come # I couldn't ask for another # No, I couldn't ask for another # Your groove, I do deeply dig # No walls, only the bridge, my supper dish # My succotash wish I couldn't ask for another You got any embarrassing stuff from back then? And with Adam, of course, it's Susie Dent! Susie's favourite thing about Christmas is a traditional turkey dinner - every Christmas it's the same, gobble, gobble, gobble.
And when she's finished doing that, she has her traditional turkey dinner.
Susie, are there any festive words that you love? Erm, yes, I think every year I talk about the yule hole.
- What? - Erm Erm, the yule hole.
It's the last hole on your belt that you go to after Christmas dinner.
My mum finds if she takes her bra off, she can eat more.
Has she worked in the adult film business for long? And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! - OK, this joke - CLEARS THROA I will stake my reputation on this.
Rachel is heavily pregnant, so let's get a move on, before someone unexpectedly slides down her chimney.
I like that, all the birthing stuff, you have to replace the, the hard words with like phrases that don't scare you, that's quite nice.
It's the birthing process.
I don't want a man explaining it to you, but it'll be fine.
It's no bigger than a bowling ball.
With arms and legs.
Good luck.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight are these, the Countdown ballet costumes.
Time for first game.
Jon, Lucy, you get the first pick of the letters.
How does this normally work at home, who would normally choose things? You let me choose things and then you correct them when I leave the house.
If hanging paintings is anything to go by, I've seen what you've done on the landing.
One fucking picture I've hung in our house.
It's horrible though, it's horrible.
It's a lovely waterfall in the Lake District, come back from tour.
It looks like clip art, it's like clip art.
So, you, you can pick these.
Is it a vowel? Yeah.
E.
E.
Correct - one point.
And then you can say, erm, "'ave another vowel," can't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- O.
- A consonant.
- D.
- And another consonant.
- S.
- A vowel, please.
- A.
- Consonant, please.
- K.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- A vowel please.
- Wait, we should have - No.
No, not a vowel.
OK, consonant.
I can see why she gets on your nerves now, Jon.
And then another consonant.
And the last one, S.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
# Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus # Right down Santa Claus Lane # Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeers pulling on the reins # Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright # So hang your stockings and say your prayers # 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight # Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus # Right down Santa Claus Lane He's got a bag that's filled with toys for boys and girls again APPLAUSE Go on Santa, you fat fuck.
What? Jon, how many letters? - Six.
- Lucy? One two three four Sti Er, sorry five.
That first thing you said wasn't even a number.
Sorry, five letters.
Five letters, OK, Sean, how many? - Six.
- Six, er, Bob? I'm going to try a seven.
Sure, OK, Lucy what was your word? STEAK STEAKS STEAKS Er, Jon your six? Festive word.
- SKATED.
- Wow.
- Like ice-skated.
- Nice.
OK Sean, your six? SKATE .
.
SSS.
Bob your seven-letter word? Well, it's a punt, I thought I'd put an E in front of SKATED and go for ESKATED.
You never know? ESKATED Could you use it in a sentence? Er, "He "He ESKATED from the fish shop.
" No, it's a nice blend, that, but it's not there.
Six points for both teams.
Adam, could they have done any better? They could have had SEDATES.
- My book.
- A good Christmassy word.
So, at the end of that, both teams have six points.
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean, Bob - your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I just have the Seanie special, please? Four little, two large.
Right, your four little ones are 7, 3, 1 .
.
and 9.
And the big two - 50 and 100.
- Are we all doing this? - Oh, yeah.
And the target is 576.
All right, so, your target is 567.
Your time starts now.
# He sees you when you're sleeping # He knows when you're awake # He knows if you've been bad or good # So be good for goodness' sake, hey! # You better watch out, you better not cry # Better not pout, I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town.
Very good.
OK, so, the target was 567.
Bob, did you get it? No.
Sean, did you get it? I got 562.
562.
Lucy did you get it? No, What's 472 add 7? I think the timer's gone off, mate, I know we're on the same team but, if I let it slide now, I've got to let it slide on Christmas Day, and I ain't doing that.
I like the fact you called your wife "mate".
That was my favourite thing about.
- You've got to dream.
- Jon, did you get it? I think I got 568.
OK, how did you get 568? Yeah, I think I got that as well, I just realised but it's too late now.
It's Christmas, we would allow you, have you got 568? Yeah, I can get 568, yeah, do you want me to do it? - Yeah, go on.
- 50 plus 7 50 plus 7, 57.
You want to times that by 10, so you add the 9 and the 1 together.
And you're going to get one away, you reckon? And then you take off the three.
You actually got the answer but you didn't declare the answer.
I just said Well, I did say that.
It's Christmas.
Aw.
It's Christmas though, isn't it? - It is Christmas.
- It's Christmas, innit? And may I be the first to say, "Bah, humbug.
" Er, Jon? What a unique position to be in, where, after someone's got the answer, you have to explain how you got a shitter answer, to win the round.
- That's the show.
- 100 plus 3 - 103.
- Multiplied by 7 minus 1.
- For 618.
- And minus 50.
Yeah.
One away.
Seven points to Jon, for a shitter answer.
OK, so, Sean and Bob have 6, Jon and Lucy have 13.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ELF STAIN.
The clue is - it's getting bigger.
That's ELF STAIN.
It's getting bigger.
Se you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were ELF STAIN, the clue was - it's getting bigger.
It was of course INFLATES.
OK, So Jon and Lucy are in the lead and they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lucy and Bob.
Bob, your turn to choose the letters.
- Could I have a consonant, please? - Thanks, Bob.
Y A vowel, please.
A And a consonant.
- D.
- LUCY: D.
And a vowel.
- E.
- LUCY: E.
Andtwo consonants.
- What? - And T.
And V.
- And two vowels.
- V.
O, and - What are you looking at? - A.
Is that it? - No, you've got another hole.
- Get another consonant.
Consonant, please, consonant.
It looks like a Jewish festival.
H.
OK, and you time startsnow.
Fuck's sake, Susie.
Lucy, how many? How many? One.
One? How many? I thought you meant balls.
You thought this round was how many balls are there? Oh, right.
One, two, three Five.
W One, two, three - yeah, five.
Bob, how many? Five, please.
OK.
- He's there.
- Oh, sorry.
Five, please, Jimmy.
Come on, Susie, put your back into it.
Ah! Erm, Lucy, what was your five? VOTED OK, Bob, your five? AYHOE I think that works, doesn't it? I think it might be hyphenated, I think.
- AYHOE.
- It's AYHOE for a starters.
You're mixing this up with Blankety Blank, aren't you? I think it's a George Formby song.
I was cleaning from the Ayhoe Not that I care about the points, but he did have another five-letter word.
I had hated but I plumped for Ayhoe.
I think, because it's Christmas, we're gonna give it to you.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
- Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE - Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
- It's all fives - DEATH, VOTED.
- All right.
So, at the end of that Sean and Bob have 11, John and Lucy are in the lead with 18.
Time now for Jon and Sean to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I just interrupt a minute, Jimmy? - Yeah, sure.
- Is that all right? - Of course.
- I know What the fuck is going on? We've got something to tell you, Jon.
You tell him, Lucy - you tell him.
You're not the father, Jon.
No, I'm only joking.
No, I've been really hard work all year, and I've got you a special Christmas present.
You know how your big fantasy .
.
is me and someone tidying up? Oh, I'm nervous.
Anthea Turner's here.
Anthea Turner, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm just shimmying through here.
Just shimmy through here and I'm just gonna pop these, Jon, on your knee.
- Well - I think that will keep everything nice and safe.
Do you just want to pull out a little bit? Just pull your chair? Pull out a little bit but not all the way, Jon.
Just pull out a little bit, there we go.
- There we go.
- It doesn't come out any more.
- I'm just going to .
.
move a few things around here.
So - I'll take your lead on this, Anthea.
- Yeah, would you? Someone has to, apparently, don't they, when it's three? So you just relax.
Why is that basket moving? There's a little mouse in the bottom of it.
Shall we make a start? - Yeah.
- Right.
MUSIC: Je T'Aime Moi Non Plus - Follow my lead.
Into the middle.
- Into the middle.
- And then the edge.
- Crease - Shh! - .
.
into the middle.
Into the middle.
- Keep the middle.
- Keep the mouth shut.
Fold it over.
- Fold it over.
- It's all yours.
- Would you like us to do another one? - I don't like it! Right.
Is this nice, Jon? - Into the middle.
- I don't mind it.
- Into the middle.
- Into the middle again.
- Into the middle again.
- We're going to fold it over.
- Fold it over.
Your nails are lovely, Anthea.
Thank you very much.
Yours are, as well.
- It's not quite in the middle, that one.
- Shut up.
Thank you so much.
Anthea Turner, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Do you think that's kick started the passion in our marriage again? I didn't know there wasn't any.
I think we're on schedule - two a year.
I'm very That was very confusing for me.
OK, Jon, pick your numbers.
One big one.
Five little ones.
Five little ones.
And a counsellor.
We've got 9, 10, 3, 5, 1 and 75.
And the target, 122.
Time starts now.
# In the meadow, we can build a snowman # And pretend that he is Parson Brown # He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man # "But you can do the job when you're in town" # Later on, we'll conspire # As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid # The plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland - # To - To face unafraid # The plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland # Walking in a winter wonderland! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The target was 122.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yeah.
OK, Sean how did you get it? - 75, right, it's a number, isn't it? - Yep.
5 x 10 = 50 Add them together.
Take away the 3.
Well done, 122.
APPLAUSE - Jon, the same way? - Yes.
Sean, there was a little glance across there just double checking He's just got He's just drawn a penis with loads of sperm coming out of it.
Into a washing-up basket.
OK, so 10 points for both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Bob have 21, Jon and Lucy still in the lead with 28.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Adam Buxton, what have you got for us? Well, I've got some reviews for you.
Reviews are Christmassy.
And in the modern online environment, negative reviews, bad reviews can really damage a business, and a lot of restaurant owners now have to spend most of their time checking posts left by customers on sites like TripAdvisor and Google Reviews, and respond to them.
For example, the owner of this Indian restaurant in the United Kingdom - we're not naming the restaurant for reasons that will become abundantly clear very shortly.
But for the sake of balance, here's a review from someone called Tony who leaves a generous five-star review.
Most of the reviews for this restaurant were good.
I'm gonna obviously read out mainly the bad ones, cos they're the most enjoyable.
But Tony says And here is the first response from the owner, who says Then it comes to the less positive reviews, beginning with one from Luke.
"As I was eating my main dish, I noticed that several "pieces of my chicken had clean holes punched through them ".
.
and reconstituted into my curry.
" Response from the owner "You and your pretty (lol) girlfriend" "If you believed that the chicken used in your dish was left over "from another customer then why the hell did you finish your meal? "You must also believe your girlfriend "sleeps around - especially with your friends.
" "I'm beginning to wonder if she's been with your father.
" Here's a review from Richard.
"Possibly the worst Indian food "I have ever partially eating in my entire life.
".
.
with so much sugar added it made me retch.
"The poppadoms were so stale they tasted as "though they had been hanging in an Asian food museum for five years.
" That's one of the best museums.
"Let's go and look at the poppadoms!" The pilau rice was like rat's droppings - hard and pellety.
"My wife and I left almost everything and refused when "asked by the waiter to pay a tip.
That evening we were both sick.
" This provoked a response from the owner.
"I doubt you even know what good food tastes like.
" "I'm guessing that you caught your wife looking at another guy "and giving him the wink.
" "That is why you are angry and that you have taken your anger out on us.
"You, Richard, are pure scum of the earth, the lowest of the low.
" "I hope you learn that being a liar is not smart.
Pure idiot.
" There you go - festive customer service there for you from the owner of that Indian restaurant.
Adam Buxton, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are nutty log.
The clue is - I want more.
That's nutty log, I want more.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were "nutty log", the clue was "I want more".
It was, of course, gluttony.
Before we go on, he doesn't work on the show any more, but he keeps on turning up anyway, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER - Merry Christmas, Joe.
- Fuck off.
What's going on? Well, yes, I've had Yeah, I've had my hair cut and it doesn't suit me.
Can we just move on, please? No, I mean Oh, right, why have I got my head stuck out of a dead reindeer's arse? - Yeah, that.
- Yeah.
I was going to come on as Santa, being pulled by a couple of reindeers.
But one of them, this one, Dasher, got a bit nasty.
And he swallowed me whole, and then he died shitting me back out again.
Do you want your present? Er Yeah.
Dasher swallowed that an' all, so I'm going to have saw.
I'm going to have to saw his undercarriage a little bit to get it out.
I got you a tin of Roses.
I've got an idea for a Christmas bonus round.
Oh, right, go on.
The guests could guess whether they think I can crawl out of Dasher's arsehole in under 30 seconds or not.
Bearing in mind this happened last week with another reindeer, Prancer, and I did manage to crawl out in exactly 30 seconds.
I know it sounds like I'm showing off, but Yeah, whoever guesses right will win their team two bonus points.
So, Sean, do you think Joe will be able to climb out of Dasher's arse in under 30 seconds? - Well, what do you think? - Yeah, I reckon.
Do you think we should go for it? - I think we should, yeah.
- We need the points.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, guys, it means a lot.
Jon, Lucy, do you think he'll be able to climb out - of Dasher's arsehole within 30 seconds? - I'm going to say no.
You're going to say no? Fuck you.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
Oh, yeah, oh, I think he's got it.
Come on, you bastard, come on, you bastard.
- Oh, no! - Come on, you bastard.
You're not even trying.
Why has he gone northern? When I get stressed, I sound northern.
Come on! - COUNTDOWN ENDS - Oh, fuck! PARTY POPPERS BANG No, no, I didn't.
No.
I didn't I didn't do it, you penises.
Fuck off.
What happened there, Joe? Where did it all go wrong? Oh, I don't know, Jimmy, I do not know.
The only thing I can think is that Dasher has a much tighter rectum than Prancer.
Thanks to Dasher's ever so tight rectum, it's two points to Lucy and Jon.
Well-played, Lucy and Jon, let's play Countdown! This'll probably be my mental image when I'm giving birth now, won't it? Hello, Mummy! OK, on with the game.
- Jon and Lucy, your turn to choose the letters.
- A consonant, please.
- Consonant, please.
- Thanks, Jon.
- T.
- T.
- T.
A vowel, please.
- E.
- A consonant, please.
- Y.
- Another consonant, please.
- M.
- Am I allowed to look what Jon's writing, or? You can, but it's just the letters that are up there.
A vowel, please.
- O.
- And another vowel, please.
- E.
- And a consonant, please.
- J.
- And another consonant, please.
- R.
- And another vowel.
- I.
- OK, your time starts now.
I need a pen and paper.
COUNTDOWN ENDS OK, Jon, how many? - Six.
- Lucy, how many? - Five.
- Five? - Sean, how many? - Five.
Six, sorry, six.
Six.
- OK, Bob how many? - Four.
- What did you get? - Yeti.
Nice.
Err, Lucy? N-O-Y-E-R.
Noyer, it's a French word.
- It's not in.
- And, Sean, your six? - Meteor.
- Wow.
- Meteor.
- That's brilliant.
- Gosh.
- Thank you, thank you.
- What a brain.
- I know.
Jon, what's your six? - Remote.
- Oh.
Joe, are you OK? No, I'm having a breakdown, but no-one seems to care.
What about a drink? Do you want a drink? Ooh, you got egg nog? Oh, I'd love an egg nog.
Fabio, can you get Joe an egg nog? I'm going to need a straw, aren't I, mate? Otherwise I'm not going to be able to drink it.
Oh! APPLAUSE I didn't expect that much in my ear.
I'm going to get an ear infection because of egg nog.
Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? Only one other, metier, that's your speciality.
Yeah, there's just sixes.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Lucy are in the lead with 36 points.
And here is your final teaser, the words are, "ice orals", the clue is, "I've had too many.
" That's "ice orals", "I've had too many".
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ICE ORALS, the clue was "I've had too many.
" It was of course, CALORIES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Bob, you get to choose.
- Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? - Of course, you can.
S Vowel, please.
E Consonant.
Z Can we throw that one away? Sure, it's Christmas.
Gone.
And, er, just to let you know I'm trying to hold my nose and blow the egg nog out out of my ear and, er, it didn't work.
If it helps, I can pour my water all over your face.
Oh, I'd love that actually.
- Do you want me to? - Please, yeah.
Just Oh Oh! Has that helped? Actually, I'll be honest with you, I couldn't quite hear what you were saying.
When you I thought you'd just asked me how I was.
- Can I have a consonant, please? - Sure.
Oh, the game's going on, is it? P Consonant, please.
F Consonant, please.
S Vowel.
A Consonant, please.
R Consonant, please.
C - Vowel, please.
- And the last one, I OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day # When the kids start singing and the band begins to play # Oh-oh-oh # Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day Let the bells ring out for Christmas.
APPLAUSE - Sean, how many? - Seven.
What, we have to count them all? LAUGHTER Bob, what have you got? I've got five letters.
Five? OK.
- Jon? - Six.
- Lucy? - Five.
I've got five.
- You've got five.
OK, what's your five? - FARCE.
- OK, Bob? PRICE.
PRICE, OK.
Jon, your six? CRISPS.
- Mmm! - Sean? PRAISES.
- Very good.
- PRAISES? Beautiful.
- Oh, lovely shot.
Seven points to Sean.
OK, Adam, Susie could they have done any better? I don't think they could have done any better.
I got ASPIRES.
OK, so Sean and Bob have 34.
Jon and Lucy have 36.
- It couldn't be tighter.
- Ooh! Time for your crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
LUCY: Insert nut? You don't need to do it, it's already done for you, isn't it? JON: That's not a word though.
BELL Bob? REINSERT.
I mean, no.
No.
OK.
No.
- Do you know? - BUZZER Jon? - NUTRIENTS.
- Wow.
- Let's have a look.
- Ah.
- No! APPLAUSE - Yeah.
- Amazing.
So, the final scores are Sean and Bob have 34, Jon and Lucy have 46.
So, congratulations, Jon and Lucy, you're now the proud owner of these, the Countdown Ballet Costumes.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and for all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.