Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e08 Episode Script

1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out me sweet-ass titles.
You're thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willaboobies firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Ah! There's Gino D'acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio in time for the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were, though.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Yeah, boy! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) (LAUGHS) HURRAH! (ALL CHEER) Oh, yes, oh, yes.
There's a storm coming, there's a storm coming.
(CHEERING INTENSIFIES) OK.
OK.
Everyone will think the telly's fucked.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First off, it's Fearne Cotton! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Hello.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left tonight, she's getting loose it's Nadia Sawalha! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) And, on my right, he looks like an Irishman, he sounds like an Irishman, it's Louis Walsh! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) OK, unfortunately, this week Holly Willoughby is not with us because, yet again, she is pissed in a bush trying to fuck a fox.
(LAUGHTER) We couldn't get anyone that famous in to replace her, so I phoned up one of me ginger friends and we got him in.
It's Ed Sheeran! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (FEARNE WHOOPING) All right.
(CHEERING CONTINUES) Ed, who's on your team? Erm, on my left, I have the fantastic Chris Kamara.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (WHISTLING) And on my right, I have my mate from South Shields, and I told him, if I ever did Juice, I promised that he would do it with me, so I'm glad he could make it today.
It's Chris Ramsey.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Perfect! (LAUGHTER) Ed Sheeran, thanks for joining us, man.
Thanks for having me.
I've been trying to come on this since 2011, but I've always Since 2011? Yeah.
But October's always the month that I end up touring, so I haven't ever been We've actually got a letter that you sent to one of our producers asking to come on.
(LAUGHTER) I'll read it out.
"Dear Keith, pleeeeease can I come on Celebrity Juice? It's all I ever wanted.
When I watch the show, I get so excited, piss comes out.
" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) "I deliberately broke my arm so I didn't have to come on tour and come on.
Please say you will! Love from Ed Sheeran.
" And it's also done in a ginger pen, as well.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) It was meant to be confidential, so cheers Oh, sorry, man.
Sorry, man.
So, seriously, what happened to your arm? Er, I fell off a bike.
Pissed? No.
I was actually cycling to the pub.
Good that (AUDIENCE AND CONTESTANTS LAUGH) It's fake news, though, and it's like this is the PR spin.
(LAUGHTER) Well I'm sure that you've worked out what actually happened.
Yes.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) My, my friend, Jamal, you know Jamal, Fearne? Mm! He's a toilet attendant.
And he saw you in a nightclub wanking so fast (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) .
.
that your spaff exploded with such force, it threw you back and you broke both your arms.
We've got a picture of you in the toilet just after the spaff hit your face.
(LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) We're not even ten minutes in.
I'm enjoying this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Your thing that you miss the most is wanking, when you broke your arms.
I didn't say it was the thing I missed the most.
I'm desperate to masturbate! (LAUGHS) I tell you what.
On Celebrity Juice we're about making dreams come true.
So, because Ed no longer can masturbate with his broken arm (LAUGHTER) .
.
and then to say thanks for coming on the show, I've got you a special gift.
Right.
(TRUMPET FANFARE) (LAUGHTER) So, they This is a (LAUGHTER) This is the Celebrity Juice hands-free wanking device.
And I've already taken this to Dragons' Den.
I don't know if it's gonna be in the next series.
But if you endorse it, it could well work.
LOUIS: Unbelievable.
Should we try it on? Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Aah! (LAUGHTER) It's a bit tight, hold on.
That's to spit in, which goes down there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGH) No, no, no, you (LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) (LAUGHS) There's the pleasurising arm.
OK.
And there's the arm that's gonna catch the residue.
How do I do it? Well, you, you spit down there and nod your head.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) LOUIS: OH.
Yeah? (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) Ed, before you were a famous person, you did an audition for a part in a series called Britannia High.
Am I right? Yeah.
Yeah.
You're gonna show the clip.
Have we got a clip? Of course you do.
Fuck! We ain't got a clip.
You definitely do.
I know you do.
Why am I talking about it if we ain't got a clip? Oh, have you got a still? Haven't got a still.
So, The Kammy, Yes.
I'm sorry, I'll introduce you properly.
IT'S CHRIS KAMARA! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Chris.
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Would you like to see the clip.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK! (ALL LAUGH) WOMAN: .
.
As each episode of Britannia High featured difficult choreography some were clearly going to struggle.
Ed hasn't a clue what he's doing, but he's trying.
I'm just trying to really get it in my head.
I think I messed up as well, I got kicked in the face by accident.
OK, music.
# JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Like I Love You Not even an option.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) So, eventually, we're gonna have to find some people who dance, cos they can't all not dance.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Wow.
Can I say? Can I say? The year that I had my first hit single, I bumped into Arlene Phillips, and she was, like, "I'm glad that you sing now.
" (ALL LAUGH) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Does she spit or does she 'sawalho', it's Nadia Sawalha! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (CHEERING DROWNS OUT FEARNE'S SPEECH) Why don't you just try and say, go on, try and say it.
Nadia Sawal-balla-llal But, go on, try.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Try to say it properly.
FEARNE: Focus.
Nadia Sawalha-ball-in-a (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Chris Cameron, can you say it? Nadia Swahalia.
(LAUGHS) Oh, gosh.
That's sounded like you're having a piss.
(sighing) Swahalia (ALL LAUGH) I was.
(LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You've been, you've been on Loose Women since 1999.
We've got a picture of you back in the day.
I often get asked, erm, when I go on Loose Women which is me favourite Loose Woman and I always say you.
Is it cos of my tits? (LAUGHS) You've got tits, which makes you a female (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You're not getting sex at the moment.
Who said that? You've been waking up in the middle of the night.
With my insomnia.
Yeah, and you can't get any sex, so you've been doing cleaning.
And sexualising yourself, whilst cleaning.
Oh, God! I know what you've got.
We have a picture of you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Cleaning windows with your tits.
(ALL LAUGH) Do you know what? I know him, I know him, I do.
It's Louis Walsh! (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Let's get the gossip from you, from The X Factor.
Do you feel that you might win this year, or, or what Who do you think's gonna win? I think I'll have somebody in the final.
Yes.
I do, yeah.
Yes.
Exciting, innit? The X Factor.
This year, yes.
But you say that every year.
I know I do, but, honestly, this This year I really think we've got some great people.
As well as X Factor, the biggest news that we've got about you is that you've done a voiceover for a Christmas TV show, for dogs, about dogs.
Yeah.
It's actually made for dogs to watch? That's true, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's new.
Different.
It's a gig.
That's weird, when you said that, I did the dog thing, I went, "Huh?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I can't believe you said that! What's it called, Louis? I forget.
Woofs, Woofter, or something.
(ALL LAUGH) Woofter or something.
It's A Woof's Life or something.
Woofter's Life.
It's something like that.
Louis, I'll tell you what it's called.
Merry Woofmas.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
Merry Woofmas.
OK.
OK.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) We've got a clip of it, let's have a look at this.
(LOUIS) It's Christmas morning and sitting at home Holly the doggie is after a bone (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) In her Christmas stocking there's many a treat But her big juicy bone is all she wants to eat Oh, that's a big bone.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Louis, why don't you give her a message? We have a big fanbase of dogs that watch Celebrity Juice.
Yeah, yeah.
Sausage dogs Your message down camera five.
They love it.
Sell it to the dogs at home that are watching, on camera five down there.
This is a very short movie, it's for Christmas and it's for Louis, Louis, Louis.
They aren't gonna understand that.
Speak in dog.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) OK.
You know how to do that, don't you? (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Woof? Woof, woof, woof.
That's "hello".
That's "hello".
Urf, urf, urf! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Gonna get sacked.
(LAUGHS) If Cowell sees this, I am gone.
I am so done.
You know that! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) He's my brother in real life from another mother, it's Chris Kamara! Whoo! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Hey, bruv.
I tell you what, erm, congratulations is in order, because it's my brother Chris's birthday on Christmas Day.
It's his 60th birthday.
(LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Looks well, doesn't he? LOUIS: Yeah.
Fiftieth.
Fifty? It's not your 50th, that's your telly age.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) It's a conspiracy theory, apparently, that you could actually be the Lord Jesus Christ.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I think we've got a photograph of when you were born.
There you are.
# CHOIR: Hallelujah Hallelujah Born laughing.
Born laughing.
I can't believe that you're there, because it was three wise men there.
(ALL LAUGH) Always laughing.
(LAUGHS) How do you stay so happy? Aaah.
I love life.
You love life.
But you like singing, don't you? I do.
I have a little trill every now and then.
Do you go to the local pub and have a sing song? Not the local pub.
If only we had a clip of him having a sing song, so Louis could tell us if he's got the X Factor.
OK.
If ONLY we had a clip.
Oh, you have.
Let's have a look at this.
# The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall Come on, all, your turn now.
# Cos you say it best MEN: When you say nothing at all (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) It was good.
Louis? (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Louis, what you think? Really good.
Is it a "yes" from you? I'm saying yes! Better than the original.
(AUDIENCE OOHS, LAUGHTER) Hold the phone.
What? Apparently, a few dogs have been watching Celebrity Juice.
(LAUGHTER) They've sent in some video messages.
Let's have a look at those.
OK, good.
(BARKS) (ALL BARK) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Oh, that's funny! (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Should we go old school? Go on, then.
Let's play RECORDING: Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
RAMSEY: Aah, yes.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH) OK, this is a word association game.
I'll give you a category, you must give me a word associated with that category.
The name of the game is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
Don't show me your teeth.
The category is Christopher.
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Playstation.
Pick your nose.
(KEITH LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (ALL LAUGH) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (FEARNE LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (ALL LAUGH) Mmm, mmm! No.
(ALL LAUGH) Knit a jumper.
Nadia Swa-la-la-la-la.
Masturbate.
Play with a yo-yo.
Play with a yo-yo.
(LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS) (KEITH LAUGHS) Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Er, aggressively masturbate in a sock.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Swear.
(ALL LAUGH) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (KEITH LAUGHS) Clean windows.
Everybody, I'm cleaning the windows.
Clap.
'Make my mum.
' (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Make what? (BUZZER) Oh! Piano.
Piano.
Ed.
Saxophone.
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Scratch your back.
(ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Dracula! Dracula! (KEITH LAUGHS) (BUZZER) (ALL LAUGH) And then you went Putting your make-up on.
Yes.
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (ALL LAUGH) Turn the alarm off.
Stroke someone.
(ALL LAUGH) Do Origami.
NADIA: Oh.
(ALL LAUGH) Fingerblast.
Put your jeans on.
Put your jeans on.
(LAUGHS) Fearne? Play the piano.
(BUZZER) That means that Ed's team is the winner! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) The scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) We're gonna go off to an ad break, so I'll see you in three.
See you in a bit! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Coming up after the break Oh, no! (COUGHS) (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) HURRAH! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) YES! Ed? Have you ever seen an elderly person with dentures and they have a bit of food stuck in their teeth? I always tell someone if they've got something in their teeth.
Then let's play All right! Hi.
Here I am in one of the bedrooms at Shady Pines, which is one of Elstree's premier old-people's homes.
The pensioners there, have been very kind to us and given us their dentures.
I want to shout a big out to all those old people there who are so nice.
Erm, so, what's gonna happen is I'm gonna give some dentures to our panellists.
All they have to do is stick them in their mouth and give me the ID of their last meal.
It's so simple.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) It's so Real nice (!) First up to play is Louis Walsh! Oh, fuck! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) FEARNE: Oh, you can get it, Louis.
Look at the joy in his face.
You all right? Do you want me to get a blanket for you? (ALL LAUGH) I won't get sick.
Nice.
It's nice, that.
Oh.
Just in case you spill anything on you, there you go.
Oh, fuck.
Louis, it's a point for your team.
Louis, here we are.
It's just Look, there it is.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) You guys at home RAMSEY: You can see it.
That's what the meal was.
You wanna get it out? What do I have to do? Put 'em in, give 'em a suck Bffff! (LAUGHTER) .
.
and detect what the meal was.
Eurgh! (AUDIENCE REACTS) You're a food detector.
Eugh! Agh! Oh, Keith.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) No! What was it? What did you think it was? Blargh! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (ALL LAUGH) Oooh, no! (LAUGHS) Blargh! Not yet.
(LAUGHS) What would you say it was? I've no fucking idea.
(ALL LAUGH) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) I'll, I'll give you a clue, yeah? Yeah.
It's livers and spinach and bacon.
What do you think it is, Louis? Liver There was definitely some liver in it.
Yes.
And maybe a little bit of bacon.
Yes.
Yeah.
For a point, what was the green stuff? I don't know.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) What, what does Popeye eat? Spinach.
Yes, that's correct, Louis Walsh! (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) Oh, my God! Next up to play, it's probably a pinnacle of his career, it's the Grammy-winning Ed Sheeran.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) ED: Oh.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS) How comfy is this chair? Comfort.
I literally, like, cos you didn't pick Fearne, so I was just joking with Chris.
I was like, "I'm fucking glad it's not me.
" (ALL LAUGH) There you go.
For those of you at home, this is what it is, this is what the meal is.
See the teeth.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) (LAUGHTER AND GROANING) I can't see.
There you go.
So glad that he wrote that letter to us now.
FEARNE: It looks nice.
It's got chocolate.
Don't think of dog food.
It's not dog food.
Fuck off, Fearne.
Fuck off, mate, Jesus.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE REACTS) (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE REACTS) Here, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I can't even look.
That's Louis Walsh's spit! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Ed, what's your thoughts? What you thinking that meal was? Coffee beans.
What else? It was a full meal, so coffee was one element of it.
Think old people, think breakfast time.
Like coffee and eggs? FEARNE: Close.
The adjudicators have just told me we need three elements.
Coffee, eggs Coffee, egg and Oh, no.
Porridge.
Porridge.
That's correct! (BELL DINGS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Ed Sheeran, everyone! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Oh, all right, then! And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Ed, you're private when it comes to your love life, aren't you? Erm, but last series, someone came on the show and admitted that they'd shagged ya.
We've got a picture.
You and Mr Blunt! Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were lovers for a while? He was catching, I was pitching.
(ALL LAUGH) Was he on last season? He isn't actually my boyfriend, if anyone (LAUGHTER) But, yeah.
In case anyone thinks Just making He's a good-looking fellow? Lovely.
Would you? No.
We're mates.
Fuck off.
You would.
No, I wouldn't.
Oh, he did that show with you.
We went out and got very drunk You got drunk? Yes.
I used to do that sort of thing.
Very boring as fuck now.
She stopped getting drunk when she got off with me when she were pissed.
Sucked it and choked on it, like one of those pornos.
(GAGGING) Do you admit it? I could be the drunkest pisshead in the world and it would still never, ever happen.
Once she put her tongue in me bum, which I'm not into.
(ALL LAUGH) I'm, I'm an old-fashioned lover.
I like missionary position, cuddle afterwards, wipe it up with a flannel watch Kardashians.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Who's ever met Phillip Schofield, here? Yeah.
You met Phillip Schofield? Enough times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's sex mad.
Yeah.
He is.
Cos he's a sexy guy.
Well, I've come up with a game that's very similar to a game that sexy Phillip Schofield does.
But it's totally different, because it's named after a better shape, and I've called it MAN ANNOUNCING: 'The Circle.
' (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Hi.
Welcome to my brand-new show, The Circle.
'The Circle.
' Which is nothing like The Cube because it is, in actual fact, a circle.
'The Circle.
' The rules for The Circle 'The Circle.
' The rules for The Circle 'The Circle.
' All you've got to do is stay within the circle.
'The Circle.
' (LAUGHTER) First up to play The Circle 'The Circle.
' First up to enter my circle 'The Circle.
' OH, FUCKING SHUT UP! 'I'm just trying to do my job.
' (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) First up to enter The Circle is Fearne Cotton.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) FEARNE: Thanks very much.
Welcome.
Stand by the side of The Circle.
If Phillip's is called The Cube, shouldn't it be The Sphere? What's a sphere? Oh, fuck it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) OK, so step into The Circle.
Remember, we're best friends these days.
Yeah.
We're good friends.
We really like each other.
All you've gotta do is stay in The Circle.
I'm in it.
All you gotta do.
Shall I take a stance like that? It's up to you.
Just stay in The Circle.
Are you gonna speak to me? I don't know.
(WHISTLES A TUNE) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) NADIA: What is it? Do I take some paper? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) That's mildly annoying.
You've done worse.
(INCREASES SPEED OF MOTOR) YES! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) NADIA: Hold your ground, Fearne, hold your ground.
Go, girl! You can do it.
Still in The Circle.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) I mean, that was quite annoying.
Not like having kitchen roll around you when you're having chips, just in case you drop a chip and a bit of grease gets on you.
Oh, right.
Would you like a chip? Yeah, I'd love one.
Thanks.
Do you want some more chips? Er, yeah, why not? They're quite nice, actually.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) She's still in The Circle! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) I'm still here.
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Thanks.
They are, aren't they? I'm still here.
Gonna annoy me some more? Let's, let's have, let's have a little kiss.
Oh, I'm all right, thanks.
I'll get out.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS) You stayed in The Circle.
Fearne Cotton, everyone! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Next to come in my circ I won't say "next to come in my circle.
" Next to play The Circle is Christopher Ramsey! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Go on, pop yourself in.
There, you're in, you're in.
Easy, innit? All you gotta do is stay in.
So easy.
What the hell, man? (WHISTLES A TUNE) (SQUEAKING) That was me arse, not me trainers.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You see, there's one of my friends down there.
Fucking What is wrong with you, MAN? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) But one of my friends is very lonely.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (FARTING) (PLOP!) (SQUEAKY FART) (RASPBERRY-TYPE FART) OH, NO! I know exactly what (LAUGHS) (KEITH LAUGHS) Oh! You fucking animal! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Chris Ramsey, left The Circle! No point for your team! It's on me fucking pants.
Next up to enter The Circle is Ed Sheeran.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Careful.
Be careful, it's a bit slippy.
What have you done, man? Straight into The Circle, no fear, at all.
OK.
All you've got to do to win a point for your team, Ed, is stay in The Circle.
It's pretty easy.
Feeling confident? (LAUGHS) No, it's easy, man.
It's easy.
It's easy.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna get in The Circle with you.
All right.
# JAMES BLUNT: You're Beautiful (ALL LAUGH) (SCREAMING AND CHEERING) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS) I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
RAMSEY: That was brilliant! He's broke me jewellery.
(LAUGHTER) I've got something very special for you.
Tonight, for one night only, we've not got one Ed Sheeran, but we have invited some tribute acts.
Oh, no, you fucking haven't, you (BLEEP).
We have invited some tribute acts.
(LAUGHING) I know So, please welcome Ed Sheeran tribute band wearing no clothes # ED SHEERAN: Thinking Out Loud (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) How much How much did they pay you? Nothing.
That's the first Ed Sheeran tribute act.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Here's the second one.
('THINKING OUT LOUD' CONTINUES PLAYING) Wa-hey! Wa-hey.
Lordy.
Come on, let's go, son.
(KEITH LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Oh, my OH! (LAUGHS) ('THINKING OUT LOUD' CONTINUES PLAYING) Eh? OK.
Thanks.
Why don't you all get in The Circle? Oh! OK.
OK.
(ALL LAUGH) He's still in The Circle, everyone.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH) And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) ('THINKING OUT LOUD' CONTINUES PLAYING) Ed, why don't you lead to break? Hi, I'm Ed.
Break, (BLEEP).
(ALL LAUGH) Coming up after the break OK, I'm gonna transport your heads onto a different person's body now! Prrrr-ping! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) HURRAH! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Having a good time? (AUDIENCE CHEERS) YEAH! They're having a good time.
'Ere, Ed, do you like superheroes? Yeah.
Do you like the Incredible Hulk? No really.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Say that you like the Incredible Hulk.
I love the Incredible Hulk.
Say that you'd like to put your head through his arsehole.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'd love to put my head in the Incredible Hulk's arsehole.
Then let's play (ALL LAUGH, AUDIENCE CHEERS) First up to play is none other than Chris Kamara! Whoo! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) OK, you've got your head in there.
How you doing? I'm good.
Are you living the dream being inside the Incredible Hulk's arsehole? (LAUGHS) OK, Chris, I'm gonna transport your head onto another celebrity's body.
Now! Shiprr-bing! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Right, ask your team questions.
You can only answer yes or no.
Ask us questions we can only answer yes or no.
ASK THEM FUCKING QUESTIONS! (SHOUTING DROWNS OUT SPEECH) NOW! Jesus.
NADIA: Go! Now! Am I an actor? No.
Am I a politician? No.
No.
Am I a sportsman? Yes.
YES! (CHEERING) Am I the best footballer on the planet? YES! Yes.
Yes, you are.
Yes.
Lionel Messi.
No.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) NO! Have a bit more faith in yourself.
You're the best footballer on the planet! Cristiano Ronaldo! Fucking hell! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH) When we said you were the best footballer, we were being nice.
(LAUGHS) .
.
Trying to be nice? BOTH: Yes.
Oh, is it to do with me? Yeah.
Yes! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Oh, I'm me! YES! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Oh, bless you, man.
Brilliant.
It was you in your Portsmouth gear.
Oh.
Next up to play, it's Fearne and Nadia.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (FEARNE'S TEAM ALL SPEAK AT SAME TIME) LOUIS: You'll do good.
OK, I'm gonna transport your heads onto a different person's body now.
Prrrr-ping! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Am I tall? Yep.
Am I a woman? No.
No.
Are we a body part? Yes.
Someone's bollocks.
Whose bollocks are we? Am I a knob end? We're a pair of ball bags, Nadia! No, no.
Fearne is right.
This'll be a screenshot that'll haunt us forever.
(LAUGHTER) We're Louis Walsh's ball bags? (LAUGHS) No, you're right.
Are we Ed Sheeran's ball bags? No.
No.
Are we Chris Kamara's ball bags? No.
Whose ball bags? Are we Simon Cowell's ball bags? YEAH! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Fearne and Nadia, everyone! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Next up to play is Ed Sheeran! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Good luck.
Ed, I'm gonna transport your head onto another celebrity body now! Prrr-ta-ping! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) FEARNE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
It's really bad.
It's really, really bad.
Now, Chris.
Chris.
FEARNE: Who's that? Mate.
Is this gonna make it on TV? Who is that? Mate Mate, I'll be honest with you, there is a large portion of this picture that won't make it on TV.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Am I someone's bellend? No.
FEARNE: Er NO! I'll be honest with you, you can't see the bellend.
(ALL LAUGH) Ed, just look down a second.
Look down.
There, that's better.
(SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Who the fuck is that on the poster? It's James Blunt.
Is it James Blunt? FEARNE: I don't know.
Am I part of an orgy? Possibly.
Am I someone's arsehole? No.
No.
NADIA: No.
No.
Am I near someone's penis? They're closer to yours than you're theirs.
(ALL LAUGH) Am I, er, am I ready to put a penis in my mouth? AUDIENCE: Ah! Oh! Am I putting my penis in someone's mouth? YAY! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Am I me getting a fucking chewy from James Blunt? YEAH! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) That was good.
How did he know it was James Blunt? A proper gob job, innit? (LAUGHTER) Ed Sheeran, everyone! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) Oh, right.
That's good, man.
Thank you, man.
Fucking How the fuck did you get that? I watch this show a lot.
(ALL LAUGH) It's time for our final round, it's the Buzzer round.
(CHEERING) Buzz only if you know the answer, if you don't know the answer, buzz in anyway and guess.
What's your buzzer, Ed? 'Ha-ha-ha.
Fucking stinky.
Have you got ginger arsehole hair?' (ALL LAUGH) Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? 'That's why I'm taking you to boot camp.
' (ALL LAUGH) Here's the first question.
Who can do the best impression of Janet Street-Porter from Loose Women? 'Ha-ha-ha.
Ha! Ginger pubes!' That's Ed's team.
Chris Ramsey.
Chris Ramsey? (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Louis? (AS JANET STREET-PORTER) I'm so intelligent.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) Why is Louis Walsh looking so happy here? 'Ginger tits!' He's finally got one of his finalists in the final of the X Factor.
(ALL LAUGH) Good one, Ed.
Let's have a look.
Let's reveal.
Sorry.
No, it's from the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
(LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Ed, this is a question for you.
'Ginger willy!' (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Do (LAUGHS) 'Ginger willy!' (ALL LAUGH) And, Louis, you know that happens every now and then.
'Ginger willy!' What 'Ginger arsehole hair!' What happened? Do you want us to play a clip of you dancing at the Britannia High, again? Fuck it, yeah, go for it.
YES! (CHEERING) # JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Like I Love You Not even an option.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Oh! That's the end of our Buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is It's Ed's team! (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) I was Keith Lemon.
if I don't see you for a week, I'll see you for the last dance! # ED SHEERAN: Shape Of You (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (CHEERING CONTINUES) ('SHAPE OF YOU' CONTINUES PLAYING) BYE-BYE! (AUDIENCE CHEERS)