Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e09 Episode Script
Johnny Vegas, Louisa Johnson, Ben Shephard, Vicky Pattison, Will Mellor
1 I'm Keith Lemon, check out my sweet-arse titles! You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" It's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls! Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D - I fucking wish it was! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, hey! Hey! Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to a Celebrity Juice special normal special.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Who's on your team? On my left, he's the original Mr Mellor Man - it's Mr Will Mellor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And bringing us the X Factor tonight, it's Louisa Johnson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, unfortunately, this week Holly has been out on the lash and I think she's getting pissed up with a fox in a bush again, so we've got someone very special to fill in for her - it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Team captain! Johnny, who's on your team? To my right, or television left, it's er I can't understand a word she says, but I love her anyway - it's Vicky Pattison.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the other half here I'm going for this, cos I want this to work out for us tonight.
When you hear his voice, you think, "Why am I awake now?!" It's Ben Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He's got the biggest dick in daytime TV, it's Ben Shephard.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You said to me last time Eamonn's the biggest dick on daytime That's what we heard, yes.
Yeah.
We've had the official daytime penis measurer call us.
Who? I think his name's Steve.
You beat Eamonn Holmes by 2mm.
Oh.
Ooh, that was a close call.
So, yes, Ben Shephard does have the biggest dick in daytime TV.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # PETER GABRIEL: "Sledgehammer" Ben, you recently hurt your foot quite badly, didn't you? I've ruptured the ligaments in my ankle.
You've got one of those Robocop leg things.
Can you lift it up? There he is.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Yeah, thanks.
Did you injure it by kicking Piers Morgan up the arse? No, although I was asked if I can.
I was messing around with the kids, and I jumped off a wall You kicked a wall, basically.
I didn't.
The wall took me out.
It was a violent act by the wall, and threw me off the wall, and I went over on my ankle.
Well, luckily for you, we have brought that wall that injured you, so not only can you get revenge on the wall I'm mad for it.
.
.
if you can knock down the wall, you'll win a point.
I'm all up for this.
Yeah? So let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here I am with Ben Shephard, who has grief with a wall.
We've had that very wall couriered here to Boreham Wood.
I'm so angry about this wall.
I bet you hate it.
I hate the wall.
Let's have a look at it.
The dirty wall! There is the dirty bastard wall.
# Move, bitch, get out the way Get out the way, bitch, get out the way You've got to kick the shit out of it to win a point.
Ready? Three, two .
.
one.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There he goes! Am I going left? Travelling via golf buggy straight to the wall.
This wall here? There it is! Nearly went past it.
Ah, right.
Now give it all you've got, Ben.
I've been given a crutch.
Start with the crutch.
This wall? Yes.
Oh, you blooming wall! That's the wall! (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) Ben, call it a prick! Ben, call it a prick! God, you stupid bricks! VICKY: Go on, Ben! There's a plank of wood! Ben, there's a plank of wood.
Hit it.
Hit the bricks! Ow! Ah! Call it a bitch! The wood's hurt my hand! Ben, slag its mum off! Slag its mum off! Hold on a sec, I've hurt my leg.
Ah, you stupid bricking bricks! (KLAXON SOUNDS) Come back, Ben Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I didn't know it was gonna be a real wall! I thought it was gonna be a fake wall.
Let's be upbeat for him when he comes back, though, cos he failed like fuck.
# JOE ESPOSITO: "You're the Best Around" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I feel like I've let everyone down.
Congratulations.
It was a proper wall! You didn't knock it over, but you do get a point for your team, cos it was vigorous, there was passion.
Well done, Ben Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Sorry, sorry.
Ben, you went to the wrong wall.
That was the wrong wall.
Let's have a look at the actual wall.
It was that one there! Oh.
That makes more sense, doesn't it, really? I feel awful now.
You know, what a lovely lady, she won the X Factor, it's Louisa Johnson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Hello.
Are you all right? Are you nice? I'm nice.
You look nice.
You won the X Factor back in 2015.
Yeah.
There you are.
There I am.
I think that's the winning song.
Yes.
I think we have a picture of you when you were winning the X Factor.
Oh, no! What noise are you making? It looks like you're making the noise of a fire engine.
(WAILS) Oh, my God! It's dreadful! (WAILS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Have you got new music coming out? I have stuff coming out, I'm working on it, trying to make sure it's perfect.
Is it gonna be out this year? (DING!) I'm trying to make sure What's he done? I know he wants to talk, let him talk.
Oh! Howay, let's gan down the Toon, it's Vicky Pattison! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are engaged! Congratulations! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think we have a picture of you and the lucky man.
Look at your Teen Wolf claws! You don't like my nails? You have claws, Victoria! You have claws! I wouldn't let you grapple my dick with those claws! It's fashion, Keith.
You should understand that.
Is it hard to manoeuvre with claws such as those? I don't do an awful lot.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm a princess! I think we've got a picture of you on holiday.
On the back of your dressing gown it says, "After sex".
Yes.
Yes? I guess it makes sense that it's white, innit, to camouflage all the man yoghurt.
You're so scruffy! I'll tell you what, Vicky, as you're getting married, I've got you an engagement gift, as it were.
Have you? Yeah.
Here it is.
# This Is Your Life theme There it is.
Oh, nah.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I thought it made sense that it'd be brown, to camouflage the other residue that might happen.
Always thinking, Keith.
That is so thoughtful of you! So romantic and thoughtful of you.
I know.
Don't worry, Fearne, I thought about you, too.
Here it is.
# This Is Your Life theme (APPLAUSE) Yeah, that's erm I will treasure that forever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know sometimes you have a heavy flow and you're miserable, so I thought I'd try and cheer you up.
Always love a heavy flow.
I hope you put a picture up online of you wearing that.
Of course! Whilst I'm on my period! Yes, with an angry face! Nature! Bastard nature! Waving a tampon in the air furiously.
You look like a Jedi! I know, I thought that! An anal Jedi.
An anal Jedi! Wow! Hey, hey, he brought acting to the UK - it's Will Mellor, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It says here that you're incredibly proud of your pubes.
What?! It says here that you're incredibly proud of your pubes.
Why would I say that? I don't know.
We've got some pictures.
Oh, don't start No more pictures! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) VICKY: Go on, Will! I think we have another picture of you showing your pubes.
No! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is so much pube! Bit of naked boxing, really.
Showing your Mellor Man minge.
Stop it! That's a lot of pubes.
You're giving Holly Willoughby a run for her money.
It was a different era.
Do you trim it down now? Proper trim now.
Yeah? Are you still boxing? What? That's the one that Rocky You're the one that Rocky wouldn't fight.
Will, congratulations are in order for you also, because you've just got on one of the biggest shows in TV at the moment.
Will has got a part in Game of Thrones, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's a still of him in action on Game of Thrones, the next series.
There you are.
What's it like being on Game of Thrones? It's a fucking massive show.
It's not Game of Thrones.
You know it's not.
It's not Game of Thrones? What is it? It's a movie I've done called Viking Destiny.
It'll be out next year.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's an exclusive clip of Will Mellor in his new film.
What's it called again? Viking Destiny.
Let's have a look at this.
# When I need love # I hold out my hand # And I touch love I never knew (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ben, it must get a little boring being Mr Nice Guy all the time.
I'm gonna give you a point if you can be a bad boy.
What's involved? I'm gonna show you a picture of something and I want you to give it some grief.
You up for it? I'll give it a go.
Here's a picture of a kitten - give it some abuse.
Be a bad boy, I'll give you a point for your team.
You're sitting there with your big blue eyes, you're just a stupid, smelly pussy.
You've got nothing with your fluffy hair and big sticky-up ears and your silly smug grin.
And look at that tail wagging at me! You've got nothing, you stupid pussy! I'm gonna have it! (GLASS SHATTERS) (APPLAUSE) That was such a good sound! That's a point for his team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # DR DRE: "The Next Episode" We've got an action replay of that action.
Let's have a look.
(GLASS SHATTERS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Louisa, have you ever been changing the bin at home and some delicious bin juice has sort of got on your person? Yeah, I hate that.
Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever wondered what it might taste like? WILL: No.
I don't know what you're gonna say next.
Then let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Here I am in the Bin Juice Arena.
As you can see, by the side of me I have four domestic bins.
To win a point, all they have to do is empty the bin liner out and drink the juice at the bottom of the bin.
First up to play is Vicky Pattison.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, here's your bin.
OK.
Let's empty WILL: Oh, you dirty bastard.
I don't want any bin juice on me.
(RETCHES) Hey, it's fun times in there.
Let's have a look.
All you have to do is have a little taste.
It's got stuff floating in it.
There you go, take the bin.
A little sippage.
Can I have a smell? I'll put the camera here.
Can I have a smell? Oh, you fucker! You've just gotta drink a little bit for a point.
You ready? OK.
Off you go.
Howay.
Howay.
Howay.
A lady in the audience really earnestly went, "Go on, Vicky!" Did you? WOMAN: Go on, Vicky! Yes! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Vicky! Vicky! Vicky! Vicky! Do you know what, I've had worse things in my mouth.
An extra point if you can give me one item of the contents of that bin juice.
I'm gonna go with It's a toss-up between tuna and tomato sauce.
I can reveal it was actually sardine.
That's close.
That's a point for your team! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up to play Bin Juice - I'm sure she's glad she's come tonight - it's Louisa Johnson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # What a night, what a night It's the right night! Come on, what you got? You ready? Yeah.
Right, here we go.
I'll get you a sweet one.
Yeah.
Nice bin.
Do you put your own bins out, Louisa? No.
Oh! FEARNE: It looks like sick! Oh! Have a smell.
(LAUGHS) WILL: What was it? Sorry.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) You'll forget about this next week.
Yeah.
When you're on tour.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ew! That's a point for her team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One item, one item.
Mushroom? Mushrooms? Mushroom and garlic or something.
I don't know, but I fucking hate mushrooms.
You don't get the extra point, but well done, Louisa, well done.
I'm sorry, guys.
(APPLAUSE) Next up to play Bin Juice, it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No! No! Go on, Johnny! Team captain! What's the point of being captain if you can't put people forward? You're the leader, Johnny.
You're the leader.
Go on, Johnny, lad! I was really enjoying this round! A point for drinking the delicious bin juice He smacked a kitten! VICKY: Oh, that one looks soggy, Johnny! WILL: It's dripping! What we've done here, because you're team captain - this is a special one - if you drink the full contents of the bin juice, you'll win five points.
VICKY: Yes, Johnny! Come on! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Go on, Johnny, don't be a fanny! Oh, that's rank! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Johnny! Johnny! ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on, lad! Yes! Come on! Whoo! Whoo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's five points for Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) FEARNE: Don't be sick! Don't be sick! BEN: Oh, I can't watch.
Fucking hell! Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do you want some water? I can't drink anything.
And the scores at the end of that round are puking! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, we'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Go! Front crawl all the way.
There you go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice, I'm Keith Lemon.
Are you having a good time? (ALL CHEER) You having a good time? (ALL CHEER) Are you having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yes! Johnny, have you ever done any swinging? Swinging? Yeah.
Well, no, I haven't, like, driven anywhere specifically to watch other people do owt.
That's dogging! That's what? That's dogging.
Will knows! You don't wanna get your swinging and your dogging mixed up.
OK, then let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi! Here I am in the actual set that was used in the Arnold Schwarzenegger film Kindergarten Cop.
As you can see, there's a swing here.
This game's very simple.
One of the panellists will lay down on the swing, I will twist them round and show them a picture of some celebrity schoolkids.
They will have to give me the identification of the schoolkids.
For every one they get correct, they win a point.
It's so easy! Fearne, I need your help.
Can you show us the school pictures, please.
First up to play this is Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was on this show and you had me spinning in a chair and I fell over.
You loved it, didn't you? Nearly sick.
He likes spinning around more than Kylie Minogue! (CHEERING) Get yourself on the swing.
Oh, God.
Lie down.
VICKY: I want him to be sick.
You don't like swinging? What? Fucking hell! We'll do this as fast as we can, to get it over with.
Nice and quick.
Ready? Oh, you fucker! Are you on? This is not right! Ah, my fucking head! Keep your head in! Keep your head in.
I'm trying to get my fucking head in! Is someone having a laugh? (GROANS) We hope so.
Jesus Christ! It's cutting into my fucking circulation! Are you ready? Are you ready? No! Go! Ah, you bastard! Keep your legs in! Keep your legs in! Fucking hell! (SCREAMS) You bastard! Keep your legs in! I can't! Argh! Argh! Take it.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was so fun, wasn't it? You love spinning around, don't you? Snot and everything! Right then, how many celebrity schoolkids can you remember? I forgot to look at them fucking pictures! It's cos you were having so much fun, you forgot to look.
I did see a couple.
Kanye West.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phil Mitchell.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There's some twat on there.
Right twat, wasn't there? Yeah.
Is it me? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Will Mellor, you got three correct.
Well done! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Louisa, would you like to help? Take my shoes off? If it's easier.
Oh, shit.
Right, OK, I'm on.
I know, you always are.
Keep your feet in.
(GROANS) Oh, I don't like it.
Oh, she's gonna spin like fucking shit.
Oh, no! She's much lighter than you, Will.
(GROANS) I don't like it! Ah, that really hurts! Are you ready? That's so it.
Sorry you're facing with your arsehole to the telly.
We'll now release you.
Oh, fricking heck! Put it in now, put it in now.
(GASPS) Oh, fuck! Keep your head in! Argh! Keep your head in! (SCREAMS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) I am so dizzy! I am so dizzy! How many celebrity pupils can you remember? Oh, I don't know! Erm It's so hard, innit? Oh, I saw Gordon Ramsey.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Serg from Kasabian.
Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I don't know if I've got any others.
Oh, did I see Usher? Yes.
OK.
It's a real blur.
It's like I'd had 80 tequilas.
I just have no idea.
Can I snog you? Nope.
No, it's not like 80 tequilas.
Even if I had done 80, the answer would still be no! Would it bollocks! Fearne, you got three correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are swinging! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ben, you're a sporty man, aren't you? Keith.
Do you like swimming? I'm all right with swimming.
A bit boring.
Swimming's fun, because you're working out, enjoying yourself, you get to see lasses in their bikinis.
You're never gonna guess what - I've got our own swimming pool here in the Celebrity Juice studio.
I'm very excited, so let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Yes! Yes! I've asked for this for years! For the first time every on Celebrity Juice history, we are playing Swimming! We have an actual swimming pool in the studio! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Let's go meet the swimmers! Whoo! Whoo-whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo.
There's no water in t'swimming pool.
There's no water in the swimming pool.
Shall we just go home? Apparently we weren't allowed water for health and safety reasons, cos of all the electrics in here.
It'll be a bit hard to swim without water.
It's gonna be hard, but we could do dry swimming.
Let's play Dry Swimming! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi! Welcome to Dry Swimming.
This is so easy - it's a swimming relay.
All you've gotta do is swim from one side to the other, swap with your teammates.
The first team to finish is the winner.
It's really exciting, it's Dry Swimming.
Yes.
We're gonna add water in post-production.
OK.
Splish-splashing around, it's gonna be fun.
(SPLASH) Fuck, these trousers are tight! Are we still safe to dive? I wouldn't dive.
Take your dressing gowns off and get into position.
AUDIENCE: Woo! Will Mellor in the hizzouz! They told me to wear trunks.
You look fit, man.
You've had me at it again, ain't you? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look at him! First of all, it's Fearne and Ben doing the front crawl.
(SPLASH) Am I in? Yeah, get in the pool.
(SPLASH) Remember, you have to touch the wall when you come back.
You will go on the Olympic beeps.
Got you.
We're playing Dry Swimming! (BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!) Go! It's front crawl all the way.
There you go! Wow, the water's going everywhere! Yes, Ben! Splish-splashing around! Look at the speed! Oh, look at that! Come on! You've gotta touch the wall with both hands! Touch the wall with both hands! (SPLASH) Breaststroke from Vicky and Louisa! Look at Louisa go! What the hell? She's like a fish! What the hell?! Like a fish! Are you drowning? You're not drowning, are you? You're not drowning? Do you need help? You're not drowning, are you? Go on, Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (SPLASH) They're doing backstroke! Johnny and Will are doing backstroke! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on, Johnny! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLE SOUNDS) Someone's done a shit in the pool! (WHISTLE SOUNDS) Shit in the pool! Shit in the pool.
Is that yours? It's not mine.
Not mine.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Everyone get in the pool for the medal ceremony.
He went past me fucking rapid.
He flew past you.
I can reveal that the winners of the first ever dry swim on Celebrity Juice is .
.
it's Johnny's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was sticking to the floor! And the scores at the end of that round are swimming! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, see you in three! We're gonna get dried off.
Coming up after t'break ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! (YELLS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celerity Juice! All to play for in The Buzzer Round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Johnny, what's your buzzer? I'm Ben Shephard's inner-voice and I have a big, sweet penis.
He has a big, sweet penis.
Fearne, what is your buzzer? (WAILS) I won the X Factor! That's Louisa Johnson when she won the X Factor.
(WAILS) Oh, fuck off.
OK, let's commence.
Which of these Kates did Ben Shephard enjoy spooning the most? VICKY: Come on, you must know.
(WAILS) I wanked off Olly Murs! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Naughty! Naughty, naughty.
That's Fearne's team.
I would say Garraway, cos the Thornton one looks sinister.
Yeah, you've definitely hidden 3" somewhere there.
Which one did he enjoy spooning the most? Ben? I I can't choose between the two of them.
It's the "Tommy Cooper" versus the "I'm keeping that baby".
Garraway worked harder, so Garraway.
That's a point for Fearne's team.
(APPLAUSE) VICKY: Come on, guys.
OK, who's this twat? Beware of my penis, it spits! That's Johnny's team.
Is it Will Mellor? Let's have a look.
That's correct.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next question.
WILL: What a bastard! Who's this twat? (WAILS) I beat off Reggie N Bollie.
Fearne's team.
It's me.
Let's have a look.
Yes, it's Will Mellor.
(APPLAUSE) Who's this twat? (WAILS) I beat off Reggie N Bollie.
That's Fearne's team.
Right er Will Mellor? Let's have a look.
No, it's Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia.
So similar.
(APPLAUSE) What is the best way to sit on a wooden bench - A, B or C? FEARNE: Oh, wowzers! Fuck off, Holmes, my cock is massive! (WAILS) I beat off Reggie N Bollie! I beat off Reggie N Bollie! Fearne's team.
I think you'll find it's C.
Correct, it's C.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can anyone sing a note as high as Louisa Johnson? Oh, fuck.
I can't, you're too young.
Louisa! Louisa! Louisa! Louisa! High.
(SINGS HIGH-PITCHED TRILL) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come on.
Big up your chest! Who can do a higher note than that? Oh, Johnny's gonna go for it.
I think he can do it.
ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Start low, go high.
(WAILS) No, no, no, no, no, no! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It was very good, but it wasn't high enough.
Surely Will Mellor can? (SINGS HIGH NOTE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, and that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Tonight's winner is .
.
it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance.
# CLEAN BANDIT FT LOUISA JOHNSON: "Tears" Ta-ra! (APPLAUSE)
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls! Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D - I fucking wish it was! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, hey! Hey! Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to a Celebrity Juice special normal special.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Who's on your team? On my left, he's the original Mr Mellor Man - it's Mr Will Mellor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And bringing us the X Factor tonight, it's Louisa Johnson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, unfortunately, this week Holly has been out on the lash and I think she's getting pissed up with a fox in a bush again, so we've got someone very special to fill in for her - it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Team captain! Johnny, who's on your team? To my right, or television left, it's er I can't understand a word she says, but I love her anyway - it's Vicky Pattison.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the other half here I'm going for this, cos I want this to work out for us tonight.
When you hear his voice, you think, "Why am I awake now?!" It's Ben Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He's got the biggest dick in daytime TV, it's Ben Shephard.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You said to me last time Eamonn's the biggest dick on daytime That's what we heard, yes.
Yeah.
We've had the official daytime penis measurer call us.
Who? I think his name's Steve.
You beat Eamonn Holmes by 2mm.
Oh.
Ooh, that was a close call.
So, yes, Ben Shephard does have the biggest dick in daytime TV.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # PETER GABRIEL: "Sledgehammer" Ben, you recently hurt your foot quite badly, didn't you? I've ruptured the ligaments in my ankle.
You've got one of those Robocop leg things.
Can you lift it up? There he is.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Yeah, thanks.
Did you injure it by kicking Piers Morgan up the arse? No, although I was asked if I can.
I was messing around with the kids, and I jumped off a wall You kicked a wall, basically.
I didn't.
The wall took me out.
It was a violent act by the wall, and threw me off the wall, and I went over on my ankle.
Well, luckily for you, we have brought that wall that injured you, so not only can you get revenge on the wall I'm mad for it.
.
.
if you can knock down the wall, you'll win a point.
I'm all up for this.
Yeah? So let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here I am with Ben Shephard, who has grief with a wall.
We've had that very wall couriered here to Boreham Wood.
I'm so angry about this wall.
I bet you hate it.
I hate the wall.
Let's have a look at it.
The dirty wall! There is the dirty bastard wall.
# Move, bitch, get out the way Get out the way, bitch, get out the way You've got to kick the shit out of it to win a point.
Ready? Three, two .
.
one.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There he goes! Am I going left? Travelling via golf buggy straight to the wall.
This wall here? There it is! Nearly went past it.
Ah, right.
Now give it all you've got, Ben.
I've been given a crutch.
Start with the crutch.
This wall? Yes.
Oh, you blooming wall! That's the wall! (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) Ben, call it a prick! Ben, call it a prick! God, you stupid bricks! VICKY: Go on, Ben! There's a plank of wood! Ben, there's a plank of wood.
Hit it.
Hit the bricks! Ow! Ah! Call it a bitch! The wood's hurt my hand! Ben, slag its mum off! Slag its mum off! Hold on a sec, I've hurt my leg.
Ah, you stupid bricking bricks! (KLAXON SOUNDS) Come back, Ben Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I didn't know it was gonna be a real wall! I thought it was gonna be a fake wall.
Let's be upbeat for him when he comes back, though, cos he failed like fuck.
# JOE ESPOSITO: "You're the Best Around" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I feel like I've let everyone down.
Congratulations.
It was a proper wall! You didn't knock it over, but you do get a point for your team, cos it was vigorous, there was passion.
Well done, Ben Shephard! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Sorry, sorry.
Ben, you went to the wrong wall.
That was the wrong wall.
Let's have a look at the actual wall.
It was that one there! Oh.
That makes more sense, doesn't it, really? I feel awful now.
You know, what a lovely lady, she won the X Factor, it's Louisa Johnson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Hello.
Are you all right? Are you nice? I'm nice.
You look nice.
You won the X Factor back in 2015.
Yeah.
There you are.
There I am.
I think that's the winning song.
Yes.
I think we have a picture of you when you were winning the X Factor.
Oh, no! What noise are you making? It looks like you're making the noise of a fire engine.
(WAILS) Oh, my God! It's dreadful! (WAILS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Have you got new music coming out? I have stuff coming out, I'm working on it, trying to make sure it's perfect.
Is it gonna be out this year? (DING!) I'm trying to make sure What's he done? I know he wants to talk, let him talk.
Oh! Howay, let's gan down the Toon, it's Vicky Pattison! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are engaged! Congratulations! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I think we have a picture of you and the lucky man.
Look at your Teen Wolf claws! You don't like my nails? You have claws, Victoria! You have claws! I wouldn't let you grapple my dick with those claws! It's fashion, Keith.
You should understand that.
Is it hard to manoeuvre with claws such as those? I don't do an awful lot.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm a princess! I think we've got a picture of you on holiday.
On the back of your dressing gown it says, "After sex".
Yes.
Yes? I guess it makes sense that it's white, innit, to camouflage all the man yoghurt.
You're so scruffy! I'll tell you what, Vicky, as you're getting married, I've got you an engagement gift, as it were.
Have you? Yeah.
Here it is.
# This Is Your Life theme There it is.
Oh, nah.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I thought it made sense that it'd be brown, to camouflage the other residue that might happen.
Always thinking, Keith.
That is so thoughtful of you! So romantic and thoughtful of you.
I know.
Don't worry, Fearne, I thought about you, too.
Here it is.
# This Is Your Life theme (APPLAUSE) Yeah, that's erm I will treasure that forever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know sometimes you have a heavy flow and you're miserable, so I thought I'd try and cheer you up.
Always love a heavy flow.
I hope you put a picture up online of you wearing that.
Of course! Whilst I'm on my period! Yes, with an angry face! Nature! Bastard nature! Waving a tampon in the air furiously.
You look like a Jedi! I know, I thought that! An anal Jedi.
An anal Jedi! Wow! Hey, hey, he brought acting to the UK - it's Will Mellor, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It says here that you're incredibly proud of your pubes.
What?! It says here that you're incredibly proud of your pubes.
Why would I say that? I don't know.
We've got some pictures.
Oh, don't start No more pictures! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) VICKY: Go on, Will! I think we have another picture of you showing your pubes.
No! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is so much pube! Bit of naked boxing, really.
Showing your Mellor Man minge.
Stop it! That's a lot of pubes.
You're giving Holly Willoughby a run for her money.
It was a different era.
Do you trim it down now? Proper trim now.
Yeah? Are you still boxing? What? That's the one that Rocky You're the one that Rocky wouldn't fight.
Will, congratulations are in order for you also, because you've just got on one of the biggest shows in TV at the moment.
Will has got a part in Game of Thrones, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's a still of him in action on Game of Thrones, the next series.
There you are.
What's it like being on Game of Thrones? It's a fucking massive show.
It's not Game of Thrones.
You know it's not.
It's not Game of Thrones? What is it? It's a movie I've done called Viking Destiny.
It'll be out next year.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's an exclusive clip of Will Mellor in his new film.
What's it called again? Viking Destiny.
Let's have a look at this.
# When I need love # I hold out my hand # And I touch love I never knew (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ben, it must get a little boring being Mr Nice Guy all the time.
I'm gonna give you a point if you can be a bad boy.
What's involved? I'm gonna show you a picture of something and I want you to give it some grief.
You up for it? I'll give it a go.
Here's a picture of a kitten - give it some abuse.
Be a bad boy, I'll give you a point for your team.
You're sitting there with your big blue eyes, you're just a stupid, smelly pussy.
You've got nothing with your fluffy hair and big sticky-up ears and your silly smug grin.
And look at that tail wagging at me! You've got nothing, you stupid pussy! I'm gonna have it! (GLASS SHATTERS) (APPLAUSE) That was such a good sound! That's a point for his team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # DR DRE: "The Next Episode" We've got an action replay of that action.
Let's have a look.
(GLASS SHATTERS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Louisa, have you ever been changing the bin at home and some delicious bin juice has sort of got on your person? Yeah, I hate that.
Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever wondered what it might taste like? WILL: No.
I don't know what you're gonna say next.
Then let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Here I am in the Bin Juice Arena.
As you can see, by the side of me I have four domestic bins.
To win a point, all they have to do is empty the bin liner out and drink the juice at the bottom of the bin.
First up to play is Vicky Pattison.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, here's your bin.
OK.
Let's empty WILL: Oh, you dirty bastard.
I don't want any bin juice on me.
(RETCHES) Hey, it's fun times in there.
Let's have a look.
All you have to do is have a little taste.
It's got stuff floating in it.
There you go, take the bin.
A little sippage.
Can I have a smell? I'll put the camera here.
Can I have a smell? Oh, you fucker! You've just gotta drink a little bit for a point.
You ready? OK.
Off you go.
Howay.
Howay.
Howay.
A lady in the audience really earnestly went, "Go on, Vicky!" Did you? WOMAN: Go on, Vicky! Yes! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Vicky! Vicky! Vicky! Vicky! Do you know what, I've had worse things in my mouth.
An extra point if you can give me one item of the contents of that bin juice.
I'm gonna go with It's a toss-up between tuna and tomato sauce.
I can reveal it was actually sardine.
That's close.
That's a point for your team! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up to play Bin Juice - I'm sure she's glad she's come tonight - it's Louisa Johnson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # What a night, what a night It's the right night! Come on, what you got? You ready? Yeah.
Right, here we go.
I'll get you a sweet one.
Yeah.
Nice bin.
Do you put your own bins out, Louisa? No.
Oh! FEARNE: It looks like sick! Oh! Have a smell.
(LAUGHS) WILL: What was it? Sorry.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) You'll forget about this next week.
Yeah.
When you're on tour.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ew! That's a point for her team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One item, one item.
Mushroom? Mushrooms? Mushroom and garlic or something.
I don't know, but I fucking hate mushrooms.
You don't get the extra point, but well done, Louisa, well done.
I'm sorry, guys.
(APPLAUSE) Next up to play Bin Juice, it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No! No! Go on, Johnny! Team captain! What's the point of being captain if you can't put people forward? You're the leader, Johnny.
You're the leader.
Go on, Johnny, lad! I was really enjoying this round! A point for drinking the delicious bin juice He smacked a kitten! VICKY: Oh, that one looks soggy, Johnny! WILL: It's dripping! What we've done here, because you're team captain - this is a special one - if you drink the full contents of the bin juice, you'll win five points.
VICKY: Yes, Johnny! Come on! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Go on, Johnny, don't be a fanny! Oh, that's rank! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Johnny! Johnny! ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on, lad! Yes! Come on! Whoo! Whoo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's five points for Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) FEARNE: Don't be sick! Don't be sick! BEN: Oh, I can't watch.
Fucking hell! Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do you want some water? I can't drink anything.
And the scores at the end of that round are puking! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, we'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Go! Front crawl all the way.
There you go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice, I'm Keith Lemon.
Are you having a good time? (ALL CHEER) You having a good time? (ALL CHEER) Are you having a good time? AUDIENCE: Yes! Johnny, have you ever done any swinging? Swinging? Yeah.
Well, no, I haven't, like, driven anywhere specifically to watch other people do owt.
That's dogging! That's what? That's dogging.
Will knows! You don't wanna get your swinging and your dogging mixed up.
OK, then let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi! Here I am in the actual set that was used in the Arnold Schwarzenegger film Kindergarten Cop.
As you can see, there's a swing here.
This game's very simple.
One of the panellists will lay down on the swing, I will twist them round and show them a picture of some celebrity schoolkids.
They will have to give me the identification of the schoolkids.
For every one they get correct, they win a point.
It's so easy! Fearne, I need your help.
Can you show us the school pictures, please.
First up to play this is Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was on this show and you had me spinning in a chair and I fell over.
You loved it, didn't you? Nearly sick.
He likes spinning around more than Kylie Minogue! (CHEERING) Get yourself on the swing.
Oh, God.
Lie down.
VICKY: I want him to be sick.
You don't like swinging? What? Fucking hell! We'll do this as fast as we can, to get it over with.
Nice and quick.
Ready? Oh, you fucker! Are you on? This is not right! Ah, my fucking head! Keep your head in! Keep your head in.
I'm trying to get my fucking head in! Is someone having a laugh? (GROANS) We hope so.
Jesus Christ! It's cutting into my fucking circulation! Are you ready? Are you ready? No! Go! Ah, you bastard! Keep your legs in! Keep your legs in! Fucking hell! (SCREAMS) You bastard! Keep your legs in! I can't! Argh! Argh! Take it.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was so fun, wasn't it? You love spinning around, don't you? Snot and everything! Right then, how many celebrity schoolkids can you remember? I forgot to look at them fucking pictures! It's cos you were having so much fun, you forgot to look.
I did see a couple.
Kanye West.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phil Mitchell.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There's some twat on there.
Right twat, wasn't there? Yeah.
Is it me? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Will Mellor, you got three correct.
Well done! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Louisa, would you like to help? Take my shoes off? If it's easier.
Oh, shit.
Right, OK, I'm on.
I know, you always are.
Keep your feet in.
(GROANS) Oh, I don't like it.
Oh, she's gonna spin like fucking shit.
Oh, no! She's much lighter than you, Will.
(GROANS) I don't like it! Ah, that really hurts! Are you ready? That's so it.
Sorry you're facing with your arsehole to the telly.
We'll now release you.
Oh, fricking heck! Put it in now, put it in now.
(GASPS) Oh, fuck! Keep your head in! Argh! Keep your head in! (SCREAMS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) I am so dizzy! I am so dizzy! How many celebrity pupils can you remember? Oh, I don't know! Erm It's so hard, innit? Oh, I saw Gordon Ramsey.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Serg from Kasabian.
Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I don't know if I've got any others.
Oh, did I see Usher? Yes.
OK.
It's a real blur.
It's like I'd had 80 tequilas.
I just have no idea.
Can I snog you? Nope.
No, it's not like 80 tequilas.
Even if I had done 80, the answer would still be no! Would it bollocks! Fearne, you got three correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are swinging! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ben, you're a sporty man, aren't you? Keith.
Do you like swimming? I'm all right with swimming.
A bit boring.
Swimming's fun, because you're working out, enjoying yourself, you get to see lasses in their bikinis.
You're never gonna guess what - I've got our own swimming pool here in the Celebrity Juice studio.
I'm very excited, so let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Yes! Yes! I've asked for this for years! For the first time every on Celebrity Juice history, we are playing Swimming! We have an actual swimming pool in the studio! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Let's go meet the swimmers! Whoo! Whoo-whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo.
There's no water in t'swimming pool.
There's no water in the swimming pool.
Shall we just go home? Apparently we weren't allowed water for health and safety reasons, cos of all the electrics in here.
It'll be a bit hard to swim without water.
It's gonna be hard, but we could do dry swimming.
Let's play Dry Swimming! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi! Welcome to Dry Swimming.
This is so easy - it's a swimming relay.
All you've gotta do is swim from one side to the other, swap with your teammates.
The first team to finish is the winner.
It's really exciting, it's Dry Swimming.
Yes.
We're gonna add water in post-production.
OK.
Splish-splashing around, it's gonna be fun.
(SPLASH) Fuck, these trousers are tight! Are we still safe to dive? I wouldn't dive.
Take your dressing gowns off and get into position.
AUDIENCE: Woo! Will Mellor in the hizzouz! They told me to wear trunks.
You look fit, man.
You've had me at it again, ain't you? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look at him! First of all, it's Fearne and Ben doing the front crawl.
(SPLASH) Am I in? Yeah, get in the pool.
(SPLASH) Remember, you have to touch the wall when you come back.
You will go on the Olympic beeps.
Got you.
We're playing Dry Swimming! (BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!) Go! It's front crawl all the way.
There you go! Wow, the water's going everywhere! Yes, Ben! Splish-splashing around! Look at the speed! Oh, look at that! Come on! You've gotta touch the wall with both hands! Touch the wall with both hands! (SPLASH) Breaststroke from Vicky and Louisa! Look at Louisa go! What the hell? She's like a fish! What the hell?! Like a fish! Are you drowning? You're not drowning, are you? You're not drowning? Do you need help? You're not drowning, are you? Go on, Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (SPLASH) They're doing backstroke! Johnny and Will are doing backstroke! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on, Johnny! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLE SOUNDS) Someone's done a shit in the pool! (WHISTLE SOUNDS) Shit in the pool! Shit in the pool.
Is that yours? It's not mine.
Not mine.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Everyone get in the pool for the medal ceremony.
He went past me fucking rapid.
He flew past you.
I can reveal that the winners of the first ever dry swim on Celebrity Juice is .
.
it's Johnny's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was sticking to the floor! And the scores at the end of that round are swimming! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, see you in three! We're gonna get dried off.
Coming up after t'break ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! (YELLS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celerity Juice! All to play for in The Buzzer Round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Johnny, what's your buzzer? I'm Ben Shephard's inner-voice and I have a big, sweet penis.
He has a big, sweet penis.
Fearne, what is your buzzer? (WAILS) I won the X Factor! That's Louisa Johnson when she won the X Factor.
(WAILS) Oh, fuck off.
OK, let's commence.
Which of these Kates did Ben Shephard enjoy spooning the most? VICKY: Come on, you must know.
(WAILS) I wanked off Olly Murs! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Naughty! Naughty, naughty.
That's Fearne's team.
I would say Garraway, cos the Thornton one looks sinister.
Yeah, you've definitely hidden 3" somewhere there.
Which one did he enjoy spooning the most? Ben? I I can't choose between the two of them.
It's the "Tommy Cooper" versus the "I'm keeping that baby".
Garraway worked harder, so Garraway.
That's a point for Fearne's team.
(APPLAUSE) VICKY: Come on, guys.
OK, who's this twat? Beware of my penis, it spits! That's Johnny's team.
Is it Will Mellor? Let's have a look.
That's correct.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next question.
WILL: What a bastard! Who's this twat? (WAILS) I beat off Reggie N Bollie.
Fearne's team.
It's me.
Let's have a look.
Yes, it's Will Mellor.
(APPLAUSE) Who's this twat? (WAILS) I beat off Reggie N Bollie.
That's Fearne's team.
Right er Will Mellor? Let's have a look.
No, it's Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia.
So similar.
(APPLAUSE) What is the best way to sit on a wooden bench - A, B or C? FEARNE: Oh, wowzers! Fuck off, Holmes, my cock is massive! (WAILS) I beat off Reggie N Bollie! I beat off Reggie N Bollie! Fearne's team.
I think you'll find it's C.
Correct, it's C.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can anyone sing a note as high as Louisa Johnson? Oh, fuck.
I can't, you're too young.
Louisa! Louisa! Louisa! Louisa! High.
(SINGS HIGH-PITCHED TRILL) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come on.
Big up your chest! Who can do a higher note than that? Oh, Johnny's gonna go for it.
I think he can do it.
ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Start low, go high.
(WAILS) No, no, no, no, no, no! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It was very good, but it wasn't high enough.
Surely Will Mellor can? (SINGS HIGH NOTE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, and that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Tonight's winner is .
.
it's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance.
# CLEAN BANDIT FT LOUISA JOHNSON: "Tears" Ta-ra! (APPLAUSE)