American Dad s18e13 Episode Script

1
[PEACOCKS CALLING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
MUSIC THUMPING]
[PEACOCK CALLS]
- Boom!
- Yes!
You nervous about the peacocks?
Me too. They scream so loud.
Scares me like crazy.
No cap. Facts.
It's not the peacocks, Stan.
I hate these Hideki parties.
Everyone has all these
impressive things going on
to talk about, and I don't.
They all look at me
like I'm a big nothing.
You've got something going on!
Don't you?
Aren't you out in the shed doing
little potteries or something?
My pottery, Stan?!
Oh, my God! That's not impressive!
I'm not even good at it!
I'm just gonna lie low
until it's time to leave.
Come on! You're Francine!
The wife of me, Stan!
I'm working on a book of witticisms.
Very impressive.
Would you like to be
cheered up with one?
- No, thanks.
- I don't remember most of these.
Buncha head scratchers.
Oooh! Here's a good one!
"The marines said they were
looking for a few good men,
and I think the movie found them."
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- [PEACOCK CRIES]
[STAN SCREAMING]
♪♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- Good ♪
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
[MUSIC THUMPING, PEACOCK CRIES]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
FRANCINE: At least there's food.
Maybe I can grab some and sneak off.
As you may have heard,
we recently adopted a 5-year-old child.
- [APPLAUSE]
- That's not my impressive thing!
My impressive thing is my new jacket!
Do you love?
ALL: Ooh!
Oh, Francine!
Thought I saw Francine.
And what do you boys have going on?
Um, it's a little early to
I won't give you too many details,
but I will say that our project
is in the tech space.
ALL: Ooh!
Yeah. It's in the tech space.
I have this little rash that so far,
no doctor can identify.
I'm seeing a lot of specialists.
It's become somewhat of a full-time job.
ALL: Ooh!
I've been working on plans for
a glow-in-the-dark basketball.
ALL: Ooh!
There's a lot of days
I think I cracked it,
but then the sun goes down and
I can't find my ball.
"They say truth is in
the eye of the beholder.
"But if they say tooth is in
the eye of the 'bee-holder',
the person holding the bee,
then all bets are off, baby!"
I'm ghostwriting a book of witticisms.
- Oh, wow.
- Great party, right?
I heard Gary Gogo is here,
the biggest art dealer in the world.
They say he's totally
over-the-top ridiculous
a billionaire.
That's me! I'm Gary Gogo!
No shit? Aww.
I thought it was gonna be me.
So nice to find someone at
this party I can just be with.
No one's trying to impress anyone else.
It's a good vibe on the top stair.
I can do a cartwheel! Wanna see?
Man! Even you're impressive!
My meatball!
[GASPS] The elusive Francine!
What's new with you?
Mmm! Meatball.
We can wait.
I, uh, have to lie! I mean, pee!
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
HIDEKI: We're all waiting for you
when you come out, Francine.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[RUSTLING]
I need my car keys!
Throw me my keys!
[PEACOCK SQUAWKING]
What are you doing?! Are you insane?!
[PARTYGOERS AND PEACOCKS SCREAMING]
[STAN SCREAMS]
Francine,
that's very bad for my peacock!
[PEACOCK CRIES]
Still gonna need that update, Francine!
♪♪
That was a bad party for me.
- Well
- It, uh
You looked great, though.
I liked when you fought the peacock.
Ugh. I'm late for my
flight to Cupertino.
Oh, my God! You didn't hear that!
I've got a doctor's appointment.
- B-Ball science.
- The quill calls!
I hold the quill and
write all the words!
Sad-face Francine?
I know.
The party's over, and I should move on,
but I feel like I'm stuck there
emotionally.
Party? What party? There was a party?
I feel like such a loser, Klaus.
How can you bear to live
like this all the time?
Well, I try to picture three spheres
floating in complex orbit until
I disassociate from my body.
That wasn't the answer I was expecting.
Can I show you something,
loser to loser?
Blblblb! Yeah, okay. Let's see it.
I've been making bowls.
I make 'em, I bake 'em,
then I break 'em.
Break 'em? Why?
Because!
Pbht! It never turns out good enough!
It isn't impressive in any way!
It's a flop!
Hold! What's the worst that could
happen if you didn't break it?
If you showed it to someone?
Not me, of course. A real person.
They would laugh, and the laughter
would feel like bullets and kill me.
No one's going to laugh at a bowl.
The truth is, no one will even care.
Plus, "other people's opinions of you
are none of your business."
Is that a quote? Who said that?
I don't know. Not Steve Harvey.
Listen. Jurgen steals Splenda packets
from this one coffee shop.
It has a shelf where local
artists can display their work.
- No.
- Yes!
I can't do this, Klaus.
My good man,
does anyone ever look at the art
on this little shelf?
What shelf?
Okay.
I'm proud of you, Franny.
- [DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES]
- Oh, no!
Marc Gilbert just walked in!
He's the meanest,
cruelest guy in Langley!
He shits on everything!
Hah! Nice shirt, lard ass!
Heh-heh! That bowl!
Is that about how big
the salads are here?
Grabbin' some roadies for Jurgen.
MAN: It's her! Francine!
Yes! Now hold that look
for two to four hours!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Francine Smith?
I'm Gary Gogo,
the biggest art dealer in the world.
And I love your bowl!
These are what I call
"art world paparazzi."
I'm sorry, Francine.
Is this all too stupid?
I can get regular paparazzi.
I'm just so excited about your bowl!
♪♪
So, there I am in the middle
of butt [BLEEP] Egypt nowhere,
but I haven't had my Turkish coffee yet
and I'm outside of what looks like
could pass for a coffee shop.
I go in. I say, "please tell me you have
Turkish coffee and a very green banana."
And then I see it. The bowl.
I made a bowl! He likes it!
I like it? No!
I feel that, without it,
I would cease to exist, okay?
It's ineffable. Perfectly imperfect.
It reminded me that the world is
good and that love is possible.
It made me cry!
30 years of therapy and not a drip!
Then boom! Bowl!
Oh, my God! Mom!
Uh, tell him about my rash
if you get a sec.
Simply put, you are it,
and the bowl is the thing.
I speak for the totality
of important people.
- What do you think of that, Francine?
- I like it!
Well, that's great
because we like you
and we are inviting you
to a small dinner tonight
at my house in Little St. Barths.
My ride will pick you up at 6:00.
It's big. It's gold.
It's a Versace helicopter.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
[ALL CHEERING]
I'm loving this feeling, Klaus.
Maybe this is the thing
I've always wanted?
For people to think I'm impressive
and then tell me nonstop?
And I know you said other
people's opinions of me
is none of my business, but
That's when we were losers, Francine!
What matters now is the attention,
the love, the approval
and, baby, we've got it!
- We?
- Yeah! I'm your manager!
20 years from now,
you're gonna be suing me
for ripping you off,
so let's enjoy the good times now
while we've got them!
[ALL CHEERING]
I'm loving what I'm seeing, Francine!
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[APPLAUSE]
The woman of the hour! The bowl mother!
Francine Smith!
Francine,
let me introduce you to the few people
who are everyone who is anyone.
This is Greta Bubblewater.
Heiress. Crazy shoe wearer.
The bowl transcends the
governing metaphysical order.
Felicitations.
You too!
All of the Schnoozles.
Art-world royal family.
Zeppo, Anatoli, Babaloo, among others.
The bowl walks the delicate tight rope
between real and surreal.
It asks us, somehow in both a
whisper and a scream, "why?"
Fer sure!
And this is Jared Leto.
My enemy. Snub him.
And finally, Pippa 4.
The world's richest dog.
May I
sniff your butthole?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
"If at first you don't succeed, strip."
Huh. I don't get this one.
He delivered it wrong.
He was supposed to take his dick out.
And that's how the bowl saved my life.
This. This right here
is why I do what I do.
I think we're all wondering,
"what's next?"
[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]
Next?!
Buh-buh-buh-buh! Let me answer.
The next thing is awesome,
and it's coming soon.
We're screwed!
You better come up with something good!
My life is in your hands!
Vesuvio Schnoozle hooked me
up with his guy at Alfa Romeo,
and I ordered 17 of them!
They are crossing the
Atlantic right now!
Plus, I am this close
to being Mr. Richest Dog!
We're in the door, Francine,
and it would be a shame
to get kicked out because
you can't follow up!
You think I don't know that?!
They think I'm amazing!
And if I can't come
up with another thing,
I'll go back to being nothing!
We're on the same page!
Francine, I understand
that you're familiar with
the artist Jasperterian.
- Yes, he painted my vagina.
- Good!
Well, his latest widow is
offering her artist's retreat
in New Mexico for your exclusive use.
You'll have full access
to a team of masseuses,
shamans, my drug dealer Delmonaco.
- I use Delmonaco!
- Of course.
We want you to succeed, Francine.
We're all rooting for you!
[APPLAUSE]
[SATELLITE ORCHESTRA'S "JOY" PLAYS]
♪♪
♪♪
I think this is gonna be good.
[WAILING] This is bad!
Wait. Get me an ATV and a body suit!
[ENGINE REVVING]
I'm manifesting the
piece into existence!
[CELLPHONE BUZZES]
Uh, the chef wants to
know if there's anything
you would like to manifest for lunch!
FRANCINE: Ice-cream cake!
When they expect me to zig,
they actually expect me to zag,
so I need to zig.
Delmonaco knows. He understands,
you're all looking at me like owls.
What am I doing talking? I need to work!
Everybody out! Except you, Delmonaco.
[CRYING] Nooo! Delmonaco!
It's so hard!
I know, sweetheart.
I will check in later.
You're surrounded by light.
Everyone expects so much from me,
and I just don't have any more to give!
Am I a fraud?
You're a-tired.
Just get some sleep, I think, okay?
You, sleep. Me, gotta go.
FRANCINE: Ohh! I did it!
I zigged and zagged!
Pippa 4? Can you hear me?
I'm thinking of you all the time,
my love.
I think we deserve a trip to Paris.
Klaus, I am going to sleep
for the next 36 hours.
I'm not to be disturbed.
The new piece is on the table.
It's ready for pick-up.
- Call Gary.
- I'm on the phone.
[YAWNS]
Why are my stuck-together
bowls still on the table?!
The chip 'n' dip?
I've been using that
for my scoops and salsa.
That's my art!
Then what did I deliver to Gary?
You tell me!
A big lump of clay!
It was sitting on the table!
You thought a lump of clay was art?!
What do I know from art?
You ruined me!
Acclaim! Acclaim! Acclaim!
You have shifted the paradigm of bowls!
- What?
- Lump is new bowl!
We gotta get you on a
jet back to Langley!
You're on "Morning Mimosa" at 11:00!
MAN: No, the lump is legit everything.
I'm lump-obsessed!
What is wrong with everyone?
This is madness. It's a lump!
It's not good.
Who cares? They love it!
America, Canada,
and, for some reason,
Estonia have lump fever, Francine!
I need to show them my
stuck-together bowls!
The chip 'n' dip?
Are you eating yogurt off a lump?!
Is there any other way?
- Yes!
- You're up.
[AUDIENCE CHANTING "LUMP!"]
Francine Smith,
we need to know everything!
How did you come up with the lump?
I didn't.
You're saying the lump
was already out there
and you're just the conduit?
Very humble!
This is very weird.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
It's pronounced twilight zone.
Twilight zone.
- Twilight zone.
- Twilight zone.
Twilight zone. Hit it but don't hit it.
I made this!
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Shards?! Shards are the new lump!
We saw her process!
It happened on our show!
Oh, my God!
[AUDIENCE CHANTING "SHARDS!"]
The amazing shards!
Meaningful shards!
This is crazy. Is this real?
Where's my family?
I need to see my family.
There you are!
- Shard mother!
- We love shards!
Shaaaards!
You know, I still like the lump.
Lump?! Are you an absolute moron?
HAYLEY:
You don't know anything about anything!
STAN: How dare you!
STEVE:
I'm not apologizing for what I like.
So, I'm here because
I think I'm crazy now.
Nothing feels real. And I need help.
I get it. You feel like
you're in the twilight zone.
And that's because the
adulation of others,
the thing you wanted more than anything,
is now meaningless.
- Bingo.
- That's not crazy.
[SIGHS]
I love shards, by the way.
- Oh, brother.
- I understand.
If everyone loves everything you do,
how do you know if you're
actually worthy of it?
Well, there's a special ward
in this hospital
where you can get that answer.
Geez Louise, lady!
You're walking fast as hell!
What am I supposed to do here?
ORDERLY: You're waiting your
turn to see the director.
The director will
determine your worthiness.
What happens if I'm not worthy?
Don't worry about that.
It's time for bed anyway.
Good night.
Bread? Love bread.
The rest of this mental hospital?
Zero stars.
"Run"?
"Run for your life"?
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
Hello?!
How am I supposed to avail
myself of the amenities?!
FEMALE VOICE:
[ECHOING] Don't meet the director.
Get out while you can.
I'm trying!
[SQUEAKING]
Da furq?
[CLOTH RIPS]
Hmm! Maybe shards are good!
[SHARD SHATTERS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
I wanna leave!
I don't want to meet the director!
[SCREAMS]
ORDERLY: The director will see you now.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Ooh!
[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING]
Monster?!
You're a kid.
I'm the director.
Of this mental hospital.
And my conclusion is
you're not worthy.
You're bad and you belong
in the garbage forever.
Hew. Okay.
That just feels true.
It's hard to hear,
but it's good to hear.
I'm relieved, honestly.
Go. Get in there.
When you're right, you're right.
Just really quick, 'cause
it's gonna bother me. Have we met?
You seem really familiar.
Pbht!
Hey that's my move!
Oh, my God!
You're me!
This is
probably not happening.
Yeah? So?
If you're me,
why are you telling me I'm bad?
Because you are bad!
We are! We're nothing!
Don't you remember?
I made that mug in kindergarten!
And everyone laughed.
BOTH:
And the laughter felt like bullets.
But I'm remembering it was fun to make.
It's a flop!
Well, I love it.
It's very you. I guess it's very me.
And I think we're great.
I'm sorry you've been feeling
so bad about yourself.
But come on. You're, like, the boss
of the mental institution!
And you're, what, 5? That's pretty cool.
It is pretty cool.
A lot of pressure, though.
You deserve a little fun.
I'd really love it if you came with me.
But I don't know what's out there.
It's just the world.
And you deserve to be part of it.
Come on. I got you.
♪♪
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- STAN: Francine!
You've been in there for half an hour!
I'm starting to worry!
That I'm going to poop my pants!
You're back, girl!
Francine!
Back from the bathroom at last.
Yes, I'm back,
and what I have been up to
is I just had the world's
most productive panic attack!
O-Kay. Cool!
Tuttle!
What do you have going on, my friend?
Your opinion of me is
none of my business!
- Who are you?
- I know you want my bowl.
I don't want your bowl.
It's really something, it's very me,
and you can't have it!
I need it!
I'll give you a million dollars for it!
Uh no?
I'll make you a bowl!
[SATELLITE ORCHESTRA'S "JOY" PLAYS]
♪♪
Bye! Have a beautiful time!