The Simpsons s18e14 Episode Script

The Simpsons 18x14 (JABF09) - Yokel Chords - Nothing like reading a well plotted mystery on the beach.
It's amazing how they always solve the crime just before they run out of pages.
Marge.
James Patterson! Come with me, Marge.
Help me think of new nursery rhyme-themed titles for my thrillers.
Ooh, how about "Little Bo Peep"? That's great.
A clue could be her sheep.
Marge, the real mystery is why we're just talking when I could be kissing your I overslept! The family can't start the day without me.
Relax, baby.
While you were dreaming of me and calling me James, I took care of everything.
Oh, Homie, you woke up early? Eh, stumbled home at dawn, same diff.
Now, don't worry.
I packed everyone's lunches and sent them off into the world.
What kind of lunch is this? A drawing of a sandwich.
I've got Grampa's medication.
Abe, pull over! You're not the driver! Shut up, pizzas! I've gotta deliver you! Oh no lunch for me.
Unless I "scare" one up.
Hey, guys, remember to stick together.
Today is the anniversary of the Dark Stanley murders.
Tell us all you know.
All right, imagine I'm holding a flashlight under my face.
Years ago, Stanley DeGroot was a cook here at the school.
All the kids made fun of him because he never graduated from college.
Stanley, Stanley, no degree.
Two credits short at MIT.
One day, Stanley picked up a cleaver and put a new entrée on the menu.
A delectable little dish called kids' head soup.
Needs more girl.
What happened to Dark Stanley? They hanged him for murder and buried him in an unmarked grave.
When they came back the next day, the whole cemetery was missing! Try not to think about it.
They say Dark Stanley makes your skull into a toilet and wee-wees into it.
And just when you think he's done, Dark Stanley takes your skin and makes footy pajamas.
Nobody pajamanates my skin.
This is the very spot where Dark Stanley comes to harvest heads for his soup of sorrow.
Why aren't you a-scareded? Oh, Dark Stanley would never dare attack a crowded, well-lit Dark Stanley's here.
Whoa! Murther! Well, Seymour, I certainly appreciate you letting me store my collection of antique cologne bottles in your office while they recarpet my condo.
It's quite a collection and, I assume, irreplaceable.
You assume correctly.
Seymour, Gary.
Simpson, I know you're behind this.
Well, you are going to get some counseling from our school psychologist.
Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains! Or from a qualified professional.
But first Willie, get those kids back! I'll bring those wee ones back dead or alive.
Not dead.
Ah, ya never let Willie be Willie.
Zimmerman, Zorx, and Zzyzwiski.
Now back to class, all of you.
All right, you heard him.
Back to class.
But we don't go to school.
But you do live in the district.
That's right.
We home-school 'em.
I teach the big ones and the big ones teach the little ones, but no one ever taught me, which makes the whole thing just an exercise in futility.
Uh-huh.
Skinner, what is going on here? Sir, if we let these hill folk into our school, our test scores would drop so low, we'd lose all federal funding.
I see and we've already lost state, county, and local funding.
Plus our last bake sale was a disaster.
People took bites without buying the cookies.
Yes, we're not very good at anything.
Excuse me.
Lisa Simpson, with the school paper.
Am I to understand you're purposely denying education to these children? That's a total mis Well, I wouldn't, uh I mean, that is to say, uh Uh, you know You see, the thing is I warn you, young lady, we can fumfur all day.
We, um, it's not that we, um You see, what, uh I just, we don't, um you're not, uh, grasping We're not really, um the, the, the, the You haven't heard the last of this.
Well, I think we've heard the last of this.
No, you haven't.
We're going to have to give this some thought.
Let's sing while we think.
It'll make it more fun for everyone.
How do we gag a blabbermouth like Lisa? How do we crush her First Amendment rights? How do we stop her writing up what she saw? Would she shut her trap For a gift card from the Gap? She might Oh, how do we stop a royal pain like Lisa? How do we make Miss Righteous Less uptight? You have a lovely voice, sir.
Why do you have to make everything weird? MANQUE QUELQUE CHOSE asked to see me? Lisa, would you consider tutoring Cletus' children? You'll be happy, they'll be happy, and I can go home and enjoy some delicious fondue.
Made with the fondue set I bought you for Christmas? No.
So what do you say, Lisa? Me? A tutor? The hillbilly tykes Will become by tutees.
Whoa! Ah! Oh! Hey, kids! The plow done birthed a girl-critter! Young'uns, this here girl is come from fairyland to school y'all.
Now, if you need me, I'll be on the porch drinkin' Thomsen's Water Seal.
My name's Lisa.
What are your names? Witney! Jitney! Dubya! Incest! Crystal Meth! International Harvester! Birthday! Are we gonna do this much work every day? Why do I have to go to a stupid psychiatrist? I told a scary story.
Big deal.
Look, boy, nobody knows better than me that you're a lost cause.
But the school's paying for five sessions and there's a Chinese restaurant next door where I can get drunk.
Get ready, Sheila.
This guy likes the act.
Mr.
Simpson! You good man! We happy see you! You not come long time! Come sit, drinky-drinky.
Where's Margie? She super lady! Bart, my name is Dr.
Swanson.
Stop right there, Doc.
This school has sent me to more therapists than you've had bad dates.
I've looked at the ink blots.
I've played with the puppets.
The whole racket's a hatful of crap.
I see.
Well I get paid whether you make progress or not.
Why don't we just kill the time playing videogames? Yeah, right.
I bet you've got a bunch of "learning" games.
Why don't you go online and look for a boyfriend while I take a nap? Actually, I just got "Death Kill City II: Death Kill Stories.
" Whoa! You've got "DKC2: DKS"? That one's rated "Bad for Everyone.
" You have destroyed all human life on earth.
Level 1 complete.
Yes! And that's how a presidential veto gets overridden.
Any questions? How is any of this gonna put dog meat on my plate? Hmm.
Maybe the best way to begin your education is to get you some exposure to the wider world.
So, I'm gonna take you to downtown Springfield! We gotta get permission from Daddy.
It's all right with me.
And, lastly I need a noun.
Booger.
Read it back! Read it back! "The county fair is always sucky to visit on a hot summer fart.
" "You can eat delicious cotton hate, and ride the Ferris burp and the Merry-go- booger.
" You can't make that stuff up.
What does this tell you, Bart? That this is one terrible county fair.
And? And My dad never takes me on the merry-go-booger.
He's always passed out in the parking snot.
He's lying! You drink too many scorpion bowl.
You go sleepy-sleepy now! Did, uh, did you get his wallet? Every president has a word balloon that says "I am gay.
" These colorful bums is funny! And guess what? Ben and Ken, the Street Magic Men, are only the beginning! The city is a treasure trove of culture, and multiculture! Mistos and lattes and grandes and ventis Browsing at bookstores with fat cognoscentis Books about Dali, Degas and Miro Those are the folks that you yokels should know Pretentious laughs at Bunuel retrospectives Outsider art made by mental defectives Enjoying opry that ain't grand or ole Comparing Jim Carrey to Dario Fo! Your minds are opening! Take it home! Eating tapas Freestyle rap artists Mrs.
Skinner is Mame We finally experienced cultural things And now they don't seem so lame.
What a number! You kids got talent! And I should know.
I used to have it.
Hey! You're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
- A clown? - No, a Joker! That's right! And I'm not a practicing joker, so I'm not that offended.
Well it's nice to see you again, Krusty, but these kids have field trip journals to write.
Yeah, yeah, right.
Who's your agent? What's an agent? Ka-ching! Finally, I get a chance to use these gag contact lenses.
And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News.
" Bart, I think you're making a lot of progress, but our time is up.
- See ya next Wednesday.
- Actually, this was our last session.
Huh? But we were doing such good work.
Oh, Bart, I truly enjoyed our time together, but the school only paid for five sessions.
I think I just got dumped.
He used to rob me two, three times a week.
Now, I'm lucky if I get it once a month.
He never initiates it.
I have to do all the work.
He just stands there.
Now, now, don't talk through him; talk to him.
Apu, sometimes when I rob you, it's like you're not even there.
That is because you're robbing my brother Sanjay.
- Dude, I didn't know.
- Oh, just shut up! That's right.
I want to hire your entire Appalachian dumpling gang, and I'll pay them the most anyone on TV is entitled to get: scale! Now I don't sign nothin' without pretendin' to read it first.
Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger.
Looks good! Mr.
Spuckler, wait! Is this really good for your kids? Teeny, get her out of here! Okay kids, let's cut some promos for the affiliates.
You're watching Krusty the Clown on WPPZ in Vero Beach, Florida, home of the AccuCurl Surf Report! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Hey, hey, kids.
Have I got a treat for you.
Put your hands together for the Sharecropper Showstoppers, The Smashing Bumpkins, The Spuckler Family Singers! I have eight teeth Going on seven teeth I have a curvy spine - We live on landfill - And feast on roadkill While we all drink Moonshine.
You're better than us! Look at those dumb hillbillies! I'll bet they don't even know what something is.
Dad, those kids aren't dumb.
This show just perpetuates the stereotype that all yokels are hicks.
Look at those morons.
They sing because they're stupid.
Kids, it's finally happening.
Your own prime-time special.
The songs will be written by Broadway's greatest composer: this guy.
What's your name again, fuzz-face? Stephen Sondheim.
I know you hear this all the time, but I think you're great.
And I'm sure you hear this all the time: you cost an arm and a leg, so let's get to work.
Here's the opening number.
Hmm, complex harmonies, intricate lyrics, pithy observations on modern life.
What is this junk?! Where's the zazz? - Just do what you did in Cats! - I didn't write Cats.
You didn't?! Oh, no! All right, I'll try and save this.
Tell you what.
Just give me a peppy vamp.
Okay.
And I can counterpoint it with No counterpoint! Vamp! Peppy! Hey! This peppy stuff isn't bad.
Maybe I will right that jingle for Buzz Cola.
President or ayatollah Everyone loves new Buzz Cola With lemon.
Krusty, the Spuckler kids missed their reading class today.
Yeah? Well, take it up with their manager.
Cletus, I think you're spending too much of the kids' earnings on yourself.
That's a lie! I ain't spent their money on naught but necessities.
Sir, your solid gold hound dog is here.
Uh how do we get the real dog out? Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow? I saw you yesterday in the dining room, and I didn't know if I should say "hi" or not.
How can I help you? Dr.
Swanson, I'm Bart's mother.
I've been saving this money for my husband's breast reduction surgery, but I think this is more important.
Would you please see Bart again? Of course.
Send him in.
Bart, honey, this is all we can afford for now.
If it doesn't work, maybe when you're an adult, you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
You know, I'm pretty sure I will.
And I wasn't planned, so when I came, my parents had to get married.
And they were too young, and not ready for a kid to screw up their lives.
Maybe I act out because if my parents are mad at me, they can't fight with each other.
And maybe that's why you do things like scare your c