The Simpsons s18e17 Episode Script

The Simpsons 18x17 (JABF10) - Marge Gamer - Next item on the agenda, I'm afraid that due to funding cuts, we've had to sell the science department skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume.
Thank you, Willie.
Now, please return it to its plastic snap case.
Moving on-- our class trip to Italy is now spaghetti night at Papa John's, and your $1,500 deposits will not be refunded.
Ooh, Papa John's! We will conclude by passing around a sheet on which I would like everyone's e-mail address.
What's wrong? I can't fill out that clipboard.
I don't have e-mail.
Oh, Marge, you got to get on the Net.
It's got all the best conspiracy theories.
Did you know that Hezbollah owns Little Dolly Snack Cakes? This stuff will rock your world! Fine, I'll log onto Wahoo or Yippy or A-O-K or Pooka-dooka, whatever it's called.
Can we move this meeting along? I pay my taxes, I expect my orange drink! Ambrosia! And this Web site will tell you the weather.
Sunny ? I never have to look out the window again.
Let's go surfing now, everybody's learning how Come on and safari with me Paper towels for 69 cents.
Kids, get in the car! We're going to Pennsylvania! Ooh.
Wow.
And all this time, I thought "Googling yourself" meant the other thing.
Your House From Space It's our house! But what's that thing ? Everyone can see you! Get inside! Never ! Just put on a towel! Why don't I just put on a dress? Homer, you've met my parents.
Not naked, I haven't.
That Internet has it all.
Today, I found I had the same birthday as Randy Quaid, I MapQuested a great new route to the armory, and I got a list of local houses where I'm not letting you kids trick or treat anymore.
I'm proud of you, Mom.
You're like Christopher Columbus.
You discovered something millions of people knew about before you.
MailBox Welcome Marge You have No new messages.
I sent everyone I know an e-card for St.
Patrick's Day, but not one person wrote me back.
Hmm.
Maybe if I hit "Refresh.
" Still nothing.
But maybe now.
Or now.
The only thing that changes is the banner ad.
Ooh.
Earthland Realms? Earthland Realms is a multiplayer online role-playing game.
Do you agree to the following terms and conditions? "For amusement only.
Credit card information may be sold to Korean gangsters.
" Just click "Agree.
" Step one, create your character.
Let's see.
What kind of goofy goobly should I be? Whoa.
Look at those bazooms.
Who designed this character? Probably a man.
Hmm! I can make her look any way I want.
Let's see.
Hair: blue.
Shoes: sensible.
Body type: Olive Oyl.
Face: other.
That's better.
Now, let's role play.
Wow, it's like a renaissance fair, but without all the chubby couples.
This is really annoying.
You're telling me.
Greetings, Cleric.
Will you undertake a quest on my behalf? Eh, maybe I should run this by my husband first.
Things are more fun if you just answer "yes.
" Then, yes.
Hither me forth on mine arduous quest.
Once again,just "yes.
" Yes.
First, you must find the Armandahl of Nuxinor.
All I see is that rock.
You have found it! Oh! Okay, activate my level seven power stones.
Wield the orb of oblivion.
And zap! Hmm, needs more goat soul.
Mom?! What are you kids doing up so late? We just got up.
It's 7:00 a.
m.
I was on the computer all night! Actually, it's Saturday.
I played a day and a night.
Bart, it's not Saturday.
Shh.
I should get some sleep.
I better check on my elf-self.
Thank you.
Come again.
Apu? Mrs.
Homer.
How nice to see you in the Realms.
How did you get in my game? Are you a virus? Oh, no.
I, too, am online playing.
That cobra king over there is actually Snake.
The prison guards think I'm getting my online law degree.
Ha, ha! And that beguiling enchantress is Mrs.
Krabappel.
This game is a great way to meet eligible men who can afford a computer.
Or have access to one at the school library.
It's amazing how you can be a turkey in every reality.
What's important is we're talking.
I'm Moe.
I'm playing this while I'm on the can.
Wow, Moe! You're a troll.
What ? No.
My character's supposed to look like me.
Why does everyone keep thinking I'm a troll?! Who are we hiding from? The Shadow Knight.
Where he rides, death is sure to follow.
The Shadow Knight? He's the most evil,destructive player in this game.
He once beat me to death with my own life bar.
Mmm mmm.
Who dares battle with the Shadow Knight? Oh He was a good man.
A good, moist man.
Eww.
I can't watch this.
Another senseless killing by the Shadow Knight! Hmm? My son is an evil knight! The most successful evil knight in all the Earthland Realms! Not bad.
Aye carumba, what a day! Brave sir knight? What is it, Lady Milhouse? I'm not a lady, it's a spell, a spell you said you'd reverse.
Yeah, yeah, it's on my list.
Anyway, someone's here to see you.
Hi, Bart! It's your mom! I'm in your videogame with you! What? Why Milhouse, don't you look pretty! It's a spell! And thank you.
Mom, what are you doing in my game?! How would you like it if I suddenly started going shopping with you? I'd like that very much.
Uh, wh-what can I get ya,Mr.
Shadow Knight, sir? A grog? Grog light? Uh, diet grog with lemon? Just wring the blood from this pixie head.
Yes, sir.
Hi, everybody! How do you play this game? Ow! Haaaaaaa.
Oooohh!! Now flog yourself with this mace while reciting the Goblin's Code! Goblin's Code,yes, sir! All goblins must be free of visible worms.
Oooh! In the presence of a lady, a goblin must remove his hat and ears.
Bart, are you drinking? Mom! You're making me look bad in front of my minions! If they think less of you because of me, then they're not really your minions.
I'm going off to explore the Crevices of Lagrimmar.
Great, I'll come with you.
Shouldn't you bundle up? Here, let me enchant your pants.
Hey, Lisa, self-conscious about your shins? In my day, girls were worried about their boobs.
Dad, I'm going to play soccer.
I fell in love with the game when I saw Bend It Like Beckham.
Father, I am proud of my cultural heritage, but I also love soccer ! You tell him, Jesminder ! I forbid you to bend it like Beckham.
Plus, you must marry this complete stranger.
His father is an important business acquaintance of mine.
Love counts for nothing ! You tell her, Mr.
Dhanabhai ! Business contacts are more important than love! Wait, that's soccer ? I always called it "human foosball.
" Would you like me to take you to your game ? You already promised you would.
Aw, do I have to ? Okay, Morty, I'll tell them.
Sorry, ladies.
We got no referee, so the game's been canceled.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're very disappointed.
- What happened to the ref ? - He quit ! Being a ref is athankless job the parents hate ya the only upside is the kids share their snack with you.
Did someone say "snack" ? I'll be your ref! Dad, where'd you get that outfit ? I got fired from Foot Locker.
Kicks just keep getting harder to find What's the matter, buddy ? The American flag not good enough for ya ? That was my father.
I'm your father now.
I'm open ! I'm open ! No, but not with kicks You just need help, girl So tired.
Could someone bring me another barf cone ? So I thought it went real well.
Until I swallowed the whistle.
You don't evenknow the rules! This cld be my new thing, and you're turning it into a joke! - Hilarious joke ? - Sadly, no.
I'm disappointed with the way you acted today but I'm not surprised.
Oh, let's see.
Should I take the Trail of Death, or the Path of Doom? Maybe I should just go back.
Is this Wall Street Journal online? Well, well, looks like something's finally about to happen in this game.
Just in time.
I was about to go to the Pottery Barn site to get design ideas.
It's the Shadow Knight ! - Run ! - I forget how to do that.
Control-shift-R Thank you, Bart.
This frame grab's going on my coffee cup.
You guys wanna meet at the Kwik-E-Mart? I'm in the tub right now.
I'm in Denmark! Hand ball ! Direct kick ! Dad, I'm impressed ! You've become a much better referee.
Thanks, honey.
After what you said to me, I watched hours and hours of soccer.
I almost saw a goal ! But there were so many ads for Spanish cell phones.
Do it, sweetie! Save our troubled marriage! Foul on 23 ! That's crazy.
Your daughter just tripped on her own clumsy feet! Come on, Lisa.
Admit it ! I'm a spectator addressing a player-- answer me! I said foul on 23! You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you! Helen, please.
Don't drop the J bomb.
Well, I'm throwing you both out of the game! She tripped me.
Foul on the other girl.
Lisa gets apenalty kick, and every other kid has to pay her a dollar.
That is an outrage ! Your daughter's been floppin' all day ! She has not.
Your daughter's rty player.
Sir, I have sired adum-dum, a mush-head, a what's-it, a dog boy, and somethin' with a human face and fish body, what we called Kevin, but my young'uns is not dirty players.
I don't need a soccer lecture from a hillbilly.
That's hill-William to you, sir.
How about a lecture from me, Ronaldo ? Ronaldo ?! Winner of two World Cups and three FIFA Player of the Year awards ? Yes, I what you said.
Now I travel the world exposiloppers, and your daughter is a flopper.
Now, Ronaldo away ! You heard Geraldo.
What's it gonna be ? Yellow card ! You can't give me a yellow card.
You're my father.
When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's, either.
This is what I think of your yellow card! Unsportsman like conduct.
That's a red card.
- You're out of the game ! - But but Oh ! Another family broken up by Ronaldo.
Yes ! What a fun quest ! Aren't you glad I made you take that na thedle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me just put this holy grail in my trophy room.
Whoa ! Where's al stuff ?! I thought all the swords and severed heads were kind of gory, so I redecorated using the Hello Kitty expansion pack.
No ! Mom ? Mom ?! I was killed by my own son.
How could you kill your own mother? It was just a game.
A game I used to enjoy before you mommed all oit.
Lisa, sweetie, - I was just following the rules.
- Great.
The one time you actually do something right, you ruin my life.
I thinkI'l l go to bed.
- It's 5:00 in the afternoon.
- Who cares ? I'm dead.
Ju' nys! Those damesare cheesed.
Son, I'll never understand women if I live to be 40.
- Big if.
- Enjoy me while I last.
Want to go slam a few beers ? - If you watch me ? - You know it.
What's the matter, Homer and Bart? Lisa's mad at me, and Marge is am.
Well, I'm juthe bartender here, but it seems to me, you could win Lisa back by appealing to hersense of reason, and you could win your Mom back by appealing to her feelings.
He, Moe, you give good advice.
Yeah.
What have you done of the real Moe ? Lisa honey, I brought you something - a DVD ! - Not interested.
A documentary.
By the BBC.
In coorporation with Canal +.
Give me ! Give me ! Brighton, England, 1985.
Manchester United plays Sussexton-Hamptonshire-Unleath when a deadly riot breaks out in the stands.
Oi, your boy's a flopper he is.
No he isn't ! He isn't ! Your mother can kiss me bum.
this riot is still going on.
Last year in Brazil, an on-field scuffle turned so violent, locals say a statue of the Virgin Mary came alive and beat the holy snot out of everyone.
Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagineyou gave me life-- by pressing alt-F-5 repeatedly.
Bart, you brought me back to life! As best you could.
Sweetie, are you here to forgive me? No.
Oh! But to get that DVD, I had to become a PBS subscriber.
Now I'm paying for crap like American Masters.
Dad, I can't forgive you, because there's nothing to forgive.
You were right to kick me out of that game.
Soccer was making me insane, just as it did the continents of Europe and South America.
Those places are pretty terrible.
So from now on, I'll play soccer for the same reason I study chemistry-- for fun.
Do you want to play a little? I sure do.
Wait till I tell the other moms you gave two-thirds of your lifeforce to save me.
What a good boy.
This way.
Slay him and take his experience points! Wait.
Stop ! If you kill me, I'll egg your houses in real life! It's still worth it.
I live in a loft ! My jewels! All righ t ! I gothis flame sword ! Aw, come on.
The Shadow Knights hall rule no more We've spilt his blood upon the floor With a hi and a ho and a trolly lolly lay It's the jolly merrymonth of May! Don't worry, honey.
I'll hunt down our friends who murdered you one by one.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go play outside.
Look what I can do ! I have taught you well.
Too well.
Mom, are you sure you don't want to play? No, no.
I'm fine.
Why am I paying $14.
95 a month for this?