8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s19e01 Episode Script

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Rose Matafeo, Harry Hill, Alex Horne and The Horne Section, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players - first up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
Many women find Sean Lock sexy and fantasise about getting him alone for some grandpa grumpy rumpy pumpy.
And joining Sean tonight, it's comedy legend, Harry Hill.
Oh, thank you very much.
Harry has a unique look, like a testicle off to play a game of golf.
Up against them this evening, team captain Jon Richardson.
Jon appeared on the TV show Comedians Watching Football With Friends, I assume alone.
I watched it with my best mate, actually - Claire Sweeney off of, er off of Brookside.
Do you still keep in touch? Er, I follow her on Twitter.
My best mate.
After you, and you - we're best mates, aren't we? Yeah.
Aww.
Just do a joke about me being small and let's move on.
Er, fun fact, er, Jon is short for a man, 5'2".
And Jon's team-mate, Rose Matafeo.
Rose has a paralysing fear of rodents with their furry little bodies and rat-like features.
So, we can only apologise for sitting her next to Jon.
Harry it's, er, it's your first time on the show.
Are you gonna be better with the letters or with the numbers, Harry? Oh, well, you know I have this, er, I have this problem with letters.
I see a letter and I associate it with a smell.
So, for instance the letter I don't know, A, I smell elderflower straight away.
And then D, I might get, er, just morning dew, straight away I'm getting morning dew.
- The letter F? - Wet wipes.
So, I'm worried about it.
I'm going to be like a basset hound in aa perfume factory.
Do you have any hidden talents? Oh, well, I know where this going.
Who told him? Was it you? No, I never said anything, I don't - never talk to him.
It's the It's the moon walking, right? Can you moon walk? Well, I learnt from the master.
Michael Jackson? Phillip Schofield.
You may not know this, but when Michael Jackson died, Phillip Scofield bought all his shoes.
Mainly flip flops - and because his feet are a different size to Michael Jackson's, he had to trim them all.
So, often I would go round for my lesson, he'd be trimming these, trimming these .
.
and he only gets the afternoons, because he works in the morning.
So, I do, yeah.
I do - so I do moon walk but I haven't I haven't come here to do, I'm not doing it Oh, Come on, we want to see.
- All right, OK.
- APPLAUSE AUDIENCE CHEERS APPLAUSE Harry Hill.
- Sean, have you, erm? - Oh, God, here we go.
Well, I was interested to know, Sean, if you'd tried any interesting diets? Erm, yes, I have, Jimmy, I've found a whole new food source, and, erm, it's very exciting.
And what I've got into eating recently, it's a real delicacy, is fatbergs.
You know down the sewers, you get a fatberg - and I know you're going, "Eurgh," cos everyone's told you - they're absolutely delicious.
They're like truffles.
And I go down the sewers and hunt out fatbergs.
Obviously I don't take a truffle pig, I take a rat on a lead.
Honestly, Jimmy, they are delicious, because you cut a slice, it's like a cake, and it's savoury one end .
.
sweet the other, with a bit of, hint of Dettol in the middle.
Mm! What I do is I get a trained sushi chef to cut around the condoms and wet wipes.
Just get the really the really tasty bits.
So, that's That's what I'm into.
OK, now, Rose, you're from New Zealand? - Yes.
- You now live in London.
What's the worst thing about living in England? The plugs are weird.
Why are our plugs weird? Well, they're different to where I'm from.
The My plugs, they look My one looks like kind of like The Scream, kind of like that.
Ooh, it's sad.
And then your ones kind of look like you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she's got a point.
- Yeah, I can see it.
- Oh, the plug! - Like a plug socket, yeah.
- Yeah, I can see it.
Oh, I see - I thought you meant Yeah.
Jon, if you could bring one thing back from the past, what would it be? Er, what I would like to bring back is the airing cupboard.
You don't really get an airing cupboard in a house any more, do you? I don't know if it's cos boilers have got smaller, or People are renting them out in London.
But I used to go in there and have my lunch, I'd hide there and try to scare people, play a bit of hide and seek and then come out when no-one fucking looked for me.
It's like having a holiday home, when you're six, having an airing cupboard.
That was my gite.
Why would you have given an airing cupboard a second thought? You're in the prime of your life.
Exactly, I'm still banging, I don't miss that.
You don't miss what you've got on tap, mate, do you? It's It's because of On a serious note, it's because of improved lagging on the - .
.
on the immersions, er - Ah! - You don't get the warm air.
- You don't get the warm air any more.
What are we on, a Saga holiday now? How How is this a conversation? If you wanna get back, you know, a way of getting back, if you were ever spurned by a lover, one of the ways to get back, as you know, you start off with a kipper on the exhaust pipe.
You know that one? So that when she starts up the car, it stinks.
The next stage up would be to sew prawns into the hem of the curtains so then that starts to decay - all right? And the best one, if you can get a dolphin into the immersion heater.
It really stinks.
- Yeah, yeah.
- She won't forget you then.
Rose, have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot.
I wanted to bring something that would relax me and I'm quite a crafty person myself, so I have a stack of my favourite adult colouring in books, which is great - and I've got to say, an adult colouring in book, it's a fantastic gift to give to any loved ones when you want to kind of show that you're concerned, but want to keep it fun.
Because these are for, you know, your mental wellbeing.
But I really - I really enjoyed doing them, so, I've actually started filling them out, but I kind of freaked out my family, because I started doing them purely in black Sharpie pen, so That kind of freaked them out a bit.
That's a turtle, there, that's some ducks and stuff.
And then I just started writing stuff that I kind of went outside the lines a bit and started just writing stuff I wanted to get off my chest to my family, so I've got "help me" there.
This one, like "Dad's girlfriend is a cat.
" - So, that's my mascot.
- I like it, I like it a lot.
- Jon, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, sort of.
I get a lot of stick on this show for liking the maths, but I thought I'd find a way of making maths cool - and I know what people like, pop music.
So, I've written an equation, a mathematical equation, with music bands that we can solve Hello, Rachel.
- Hello.
- How are you? I've got this in my hand, for some reason.
- Yes, this is all mine.
- Great.
I don't like to share.
So, where would you start here, Rachel, if you were tidying up this equation? Sin A square Seasons, times by Ode To Joy plus U, all over Duran, equals Duran, multiplied by Tops, brackets, Joy To The World, all over b squared, all minus U plus one.
You'd times by Duran, wouldn't you? You would - that's what I was gonna say, yeah.
You'd tidy up, so you'd times by Duran, that's solving your problem on this side, and then, on this side, of course, you'd have Duran squared, or Duran Duran, as they're more popularly known.
Now, you look on this side, you've got sin now.
Now, I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.
So, of course we can substitute, there, for .
.
Ace of Base, you haven't been studying, have you? Ace of Base.
Now, Ace of Base as we know, sang All That She Wants.
Duran Duran, they sang All She Want is.
So, if we divide both sides by the thing that she wants, that would, of course, cancel those out.
So, let's rid of that U.
We can add U to that side, and that will cancel that bit out, and of course here we'd have two U's, or U2 .
.
if you like, and U2, of course, sang that we can do this With or Without You.
So, if we take the Without You option, then that removes the U from that side, as well, and then we can get rid of those brackets.
Are we having fun yet kids? It's cool to learn.
Ooh, I didn't expect to get out of breath writing on a board.
So, we can put the B squared there, B squared A squared Seasons, Tops and Joy to the World.
Now, if we divide it by 4, we know there are 4 seasons, so that cancels that one out, and, of course, Four Tops, so that cancels that one out, as well, and then we're left with Joy to The World and Ode to Joy, so, of course, we need to remove the joys - or, if you like, carry out a Joy Division.
From the equation in here we're left with Ode 2, or minus 2, if you will.
So, we take the minus 2, add 2 to cancel it out, and you're left with 3 on this side.
Er, 3 is, of course, a magic number.
So, if you rub the 3 hard enough, there, it comes right off the board, and you can just hold it in your hand like that.
So, that's the three.
You can have that.
Thank you very much.
And you're left with B squared A squared, or BBAA, or, if you prefer, ABBA, who, of course, sang, "Money, money, money, it's a rich man's world," and that leads us back to you, Jimmy.
Er, so APPLAUSE Jon Richardson.
- Jon? - Yeah.
I'm just wondering, trying to sort a date out for your intervention.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Now, what I've done, Jimmy, I've created something I call Total Comedy.
I don't know if you're aware of the Dutch team of the 1970s, the famous Dutch football team of Johan Cruyff, they played Total Football.
Well, I created Total Comedy.
I hope you're ready for it.
It's just a severed head.
Now, what it is, it's basically my comedy characters.
I do a lot of great comedy characters.
I'll just go through them, you know, some of them, like this one here, Oh "Ah, put the cat out!" Oh-ho-ho, that's a good one.
That was Rene.
No fixed abode or gender.
That's Darcy Winballs, this is.
"Ooh, you've done this place up nice.
" Erm.
Do you know what? That is enough.
That's Artful Archie.
"Ooh, I'll have three of your warmest soups.
" This is Cheeky Lionel.
"No, you can't have any of mine.
" Then, "cheeky", the cheeky's ironic, because he's actually quite rude.
"Put that lid down.
"Never mind why - put it down.
" "Does anyone have a phone charger?" That's Steven from Belfast, I do a lot of corporate stuff with him.
A lot of corporate stuff.
and I always finish, er, with I think we all know who it is, # You are always on my mind You are always on my mind.
Cos my singing teacher said, "Sean, you have an amazing tool.
" APPLAUSE Sean Lock, Total Comedy.
Harry, have you got a mascot? Er, yeah, I brought my son from my first marriage with me.
Gary.
Gary, come on out.
"I don't want to come out Daddy, I'm too scared.
"Everyone's staring at me.
" It's Gary.
It's Gary, my son.
"Hello, everyone.
Where's Jimmy Carr, Daddy? "Where's Jimmy Carr?" He's a big fan of yours, Jimmy.
"Christ, it's like looking in a mirror.
" APPLAUSE So, erm "I'm very nervous Daddy.
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! "Can I do my song, Daddy?" Are you going to do your song? He wants to do his song.
"I want to do a tribute to the soul singers of the past.
"Mr Otis Redding, Daddy.
" OK, Gary, well, er Notice that we've got the, er, Horne Section over there.
Would you be able to cover this with Alex Horne? Yes, yes - what's the song? "It's Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay.
" All right, OK.
BAND STRIKES UP # Sitting in the morning sun # I'll be sitting when the evening comes # Watching the ships roll in # Then I'll watch them roll away again # I'm sitting on the dock of the bay # Watching the ti-hi-hide roll awa-ha-hay Sitting on the dock of the bay wasting ti-hime Off you go, Gary.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE TO TUNE APPLAUSE "Bye-bye, see you later.
" Off you go, Gary.
See you later, yeah, see you later, nice one, Gary.
That was lovely.
Well, don't thank me, thank Gary.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Alex Horne and The Horne Section.
THEY PLAY MUSICAL STING Alex what, what sort of music do you like listening to? Well, abbreviated songs, Jimmy.
When you stop them too early - you know when you arrive at your destination and the radio stops early, but sometimes it improves the songs.
That's the sort of song I like.
I need a couple of examples now, I'm not entirely clear.
OK, well abbreviated songs - I'll do a song by Jarvis Cocker for you.
- Joe Cocker.
- By Joe Cocker.
OK, here we go.
LAUGHTER BAND PLAYS: You Are So Beautiful You are s OK? That sort of thing.
I think it improves it.
Can I do one by Robert Palmer for you, Jimmy? - Would that be all right? - Sure.
OK, this is a song by Robert Palmer, the abbreviated version.
One, two, three.
BAND PLAYS: Addicted to Love # Whoa-ho-ho you like to think # That you're immune to the stuff oh, yeah.
# Closer to the truth you know, you can't get enough # you know you're gonna have to face it You're addic OK, so, it's, again, it's the same sort of - APPLAUSE - .
.
the same sort of thing, OK? And with Alex, of course, it's Susie Dent.
It's great that Susie Dent is here, because while she's here with us, she's not writing another one of her shitty books.
- Susie.
- Yes.
You've done a guide to swearing for All 4, tell us everything.
I was just writing down "bollocks", in fact.
Erm Shopping list for later, is it? Erm, I love "bollocks", because it's just They fit in your eye socket.
Erm, and the reason I love it particularly is because the BBC do this kind of list of top offensive words, they do a kind of countdown, and "bollocks" is number eight, and it is under "prick" and above "arsehole".
What's number six? Wanker.
I only asked.
Come on! Come on! And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE We've got The Horne Section on, what's your favourite kind of music to dance to? Er, well, Pasha takes me to salsa, and it's good because he can spin me around, but I actually taught him a dance that I'm quite proud of that he just didn't know, because he's all already good with the ballroom, good with the Latin, but the good old-fashioned "big fish, little fish, cardboard box".
He didn't know that till I came along.
There's "dolphin in an immersion heater".
OK, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown shopping trolley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown everyone - time for the first game.
Jon and Rose, you get the first pick of the letters.
Oh, shall I? OK.
A vowel, please.
Thank you, Rose.
O.
Consonant.
T.
Two vowels please.
- Whoa! - U, I.
- Yeah, I make it hard, it's fine.
I'd stick some consonants up there.
Yeah, two consonants, please.
S, R.
Er, another consonant.
- B.
- Do you want another consonant or a vowel? - One of each.
- One of each, please.
- An E and the last one, N.
- OK.
Harry, what can you smell? I've got, er, shaving foam, Princess Anne, asparagus, jock strap, pork, bacon, human remains.
OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
That didn't work, did it? I made I made sausages for everyone.
Anyone want a sausage? - Oh, no, those are the meat ones.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, yeah, I made burgers, as well, by the looks of things.
That's the vegan ones.
Oh, vegan, thank you.
Oh, I should probably ask - Harry, how many? Six.
Six? Sean? - Er, yeah loads of sixes.
- Er, Jon how many? Well, an eight, but I think I've been influenced.
- OK Rose, how many? - Six.
OK, Harry, your six? UNREST.
- Mmm.
- UNREST, nice.
Sean, your six? - BRUTES.
- BRUTES? - Yep.
- Yeah.
Er Em, ah, strobe.
Strobe, OK.
And Jon, for the points, your eight? Er, well, I was watching, so I got BURNIEST.
- BURNIEST! - You were quite burnt, but it looked like Fabio was the BURNIEST of the two of you.
Is it in, is burniest in there? No burniest, sorry, Jon.
Son of a gun.
Well, six points to both teams.
Alex, Susie, over to the dream team in Dictionary Corner, now what could they have had? Well, BOUNTIES is there.
- BOUNTIES.
- BOUNTIES for eight.
So, at the end of that, it's six points for both teams.
On to our first numbers round, OK? Sean, Harry, you get a pick of the numbers.
- Two large - Four large ones, isn't it? - No, two.
Two large and four small.
- We have got a 3, a 4, a 7, 8.
- A 3, a 4, a 7, an 8.
- I know all these.
- 75.
- 75, I could do your job.
- And 100.
- OK.
And the target, 847.
Ooh.
OK, and, Alex, would you like to play the clock music? Yes, we're going to gong based music, if that's all right? Heavily gong based.
Sure.
Your time starts Three, four THEY PLAY JAZZ TUNE Rose, did you get it? No, absolutely not, nowhere near.
- Nowhere near? How far? - 863.
OK, Harry, did you get it? Yep.
OK, er, Sean, did you get it? No, I got 853.
Jon, did you get it? I think so.
You think you got it? Well, Harry, how did you get it? 8 x 100 is 800 and 4 and 7, 847.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, how did you do it? Ah, I did 8 x 100.
- Yep.
- Add 75.
- Yep.
- And then subtract 7 x 4.
Well done.
Ooh.
Two different methods.
This is quite a treat for me, cos I'm vegan.
Look at this - for a second, look, it looks like Jon's a normal sized boy.
I was nearly gonna put all that in, then.
Jon, are you gonna try and put a whole burger in your mouth? - He'll double in size.
- Get on it.
What do I get if I do it? Indigestion.
Don't try that at home obviously.
Oh, he's - no, no.
No biting.
No biting.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The scores at the moment, Jon and Rose are on 16, Sean and Harry have 6.
And here's your teaser.
The words are HORN LICE, the clue is - this should get rid of them.
That's HORN LICE - this should get rid of them.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were HORN LICE, The clue was - this should get rid of them.
It was, of course, CHLORINE.
So, Jon and Rose are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Jon and Harry.
So, Harry, your turn to choose.
The? - .
.
letters? The letters.
- Yeah, letters.
- Yes.
Consonant, please.
G SHAVING FOAM Consonant.
L JOCKSTRAP Vowel.
A Which, of course is, er - ELDERFLOWER.
- ELDERFLOWER, thank you.
Er, vowel, please.
I DETTOL D? Can I have a D? To makeGLADIATOR.
S Er, T R E O - And, another - what do I want, another vowel? - Yeah.
E Another consonant, you want.
And an M.
OK, and your time starts now.
Jesus! I've overfed this bloody thing.
I like snakes.
I was once peed on by a snake, though.
Yeah, I think you're a very naive woman.
Wow.
Rose, do you want to have a touch? - I guess so.
- Yeah, it's pretty nice.
No, actually.
- That's just - What? - It's quite heavy.
- What do you mean, it's quite heavy? No! Aah! Ooh, no.
- Honestly.
- Fuck off! Rachel! Don't put the snake near my face.
We've been through this.
Hang on, that's not Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, that's where I keep Oh, he's found He's found his soulmate.
No, no, we're fine.
I bet I could get it all in my mouth.
Harry, what have you got? - Six.
- Jon, what have you got? Er, seven.
What do we have to do, sterilise? Why do we have to sterilise? - Oh, God.
- TB? It's a shame the snake didn't get to come out for the numbers, because I hear they're great adders.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS Hey, don't do that to my friend! Harry, your six? GAMERS GAMERS? Jon? I want to try GIRASOL.
GIRASOL .
.
is definitely a word.
It's a sunflower.
Well done.
APPLAUSE A GIRASOL is a spray-on giraffe.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Rose have 23.
Sean and Harry have 6.
Alex, Susie, could they have done any better? Erm, there's another seven.
There's my dog's name, ORALISM.
Your dog's called? ORALISM! ORALISM! And there's two nines - San Miguel probably, and GLAMORISE.
GLAMORISE APPLAUSE Right, time now for Sean and Rose to go head-to-head.
Rose, your turn to pick the numbers.
All right, thank you.
I will have a biggie, please.
Mmm, one biggie and a small.
And then a big and then .
.
something else, I don't really mind.
One more, you can have one more - three big or two big? Erm, I'll go one small Sorry.
No, I only want two big.
- Two big? - Two big, yes.
- Four small? Yes, please.
Thank you so much.
That was the worst I've ever seen that done.
4, 2, 9, 10, 100, 50.
OK Ooh, ooh, your target is And your time startsnow.
Rose, did you get it? I didn't get it.
I got I got a number.
What did you get? Oh, I'm not saying.
OK, Rose is playing this one very close to her chest.
Sean, did you get it? - I got it, yeah.
- Yes.
Do you want to tell us how you got it? 9 -2 x 100 = 700 Yeah.
+ 50 + 4 10 points to Sean.
APPLAUSE OK.
So, Jon and Rose have 23.
Sean and Harry have 16.
APPLAUSE OK, well, it's time to once again to Alex Horne, and the Horne Section.
But Alex Horne seems to be missing in action.
He's just slipping into something a little more sexy.
So, we've got a little sexy number for you.
OK.
One, two, three.
MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On # Baby, take off your coat # Real slow # Now, baby, take off your dress # Come on! # Yes, yes, yeah # Now, baby, take off your bras Come on, baby! Ye-hah! Yeah.
# You can leave your hat on # You can leave your hat on # You can leave your hat on # Now, baby, lower your iron # Come on, baby! # Steamy! # Now, baby, drop off your balls # Come on, new balls, please! # Baby, take off your trousers # Come on, come on! # Yeah! # You can leave your hat on You can leave your hat on.
CHEERING So, Alex is going to be upset he missed that.
I love Jamiroquai.
The scores at the moment, Jon and Rose have 23, Sean and Harry are on 16.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are DIRE FART.
The clue is - it's really windy.
That's DIRE FART, it's really windy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were DIRE FART, the clue was "it's really windy".
It was, of course, DRAFTIER.
OK, on with the game.
Jon, Rose, you're to choose the letters.
- Er I reckon I am going to choose a consonant maybe, eh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you're doing it.
- Yes, I'm doing it.
- I'll go a vowel.
- A.
And, I'll do a little consonant.
And, please, another consonant.
A vowel, please.
Oh, hello.
Well, a consonant, consonant, cons Ooh.
M, G - Consonant.
- .
.
S.
- Time to stick a vowel in.
- Vowel, please.
OK, your time starts now.
Erm, Harry, how many letters? Er, smug.
Four, he means.
He means four.
Four, sorry, four.
You got a four-letter word? Yeah, smug.
What? I'll come back to you and find out what your word is in a second.
Sean? I got a .
.
six.
A six, OK.
Rose? - No, fives.
Fives.
- Fives.
- Jon? - Six.
OK.
Harry, what's your four? Smug.
You're going to feel like a fool, there was a nine up there - SMUGOFART.
Rose, your five? Er, smart.
Ironically.
Jon, your six? - Famous.
- HARRY: Ooh.
- Yeah.
- Good one.
- Sean, what's your word? Mine is grouts.
Six points to both teams.
Alex, Susie, could they have done any better? Yes, there was Well, there was my other dog's name, orgasm, for six.
And, er Susie found a word, didn't you, Susie, for seven? - Ragouts.
- Ragouts.
It's a posh version of what you get in the jar.
You pay a bit extra, but you get an O and a T.
SEAN: Get your rag out.
So, at the end of that Jon and Rose are in the lead with 29 points.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner - Alex, what have you got for us? Well, as you know, we like to collaborate with people like Drake and Dr Alban, and we've been working a lot with, ermwe've been working a lot with Henry Hoover.
So we'd like to sing a couple of songs with Henry Hoover for you today, if that's all right.
I'm just gonna edge round to him.
This is Henry.
Henry's gonna sing a first song, Jimmy, which is about bird-watching - it's The Difference Between Moorhens And Coots.
Here we go.
- TO THE TUNE OF THAT'S AMORE - # When the # Beak on the front of its head is bright red That's a moorhen.
OK, then.
The second one is slightly more personal.
It's a true story from Henry's back story.
OK, here we go.
# I thought there was no-one behind me # As I walked down that road, # I'd had a good look all around me # I was certain that I was alone.
# Oh, what a wonderful feeling # Cos I'd needed to do it all day # And just then I heard someone snigger # So I had to hurry away # Cos I'd scratched my arse # And then sniffed my finger - # Repeat - # Scratched his arse # In a public place # I'd scratched my arse # And then sniffed my finger # It's fine to do one or the other But doing them both's a disgrace.
Thank you very much.
Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
And here is your final teaser - the words are NEAT BONK, the clue is "everyone loves these".
That's NEAT BONK, everyone loves these.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NEAT BONK, the clue was - everyone loves these.
It was, of course, BANKNOTE.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Harry, your turn to choose.
Consonant, please.
R Coconut.
Erm I'm dropping that now.
Vowel.
LAUGHTER Another consonant, please.
K Another vowel, please.
A A vowel, please.
I Another consonant, please.
S S.
Consonant, please.
C - Consonant? - Yeah.
- Consonant, please.
D D.
And a vowel, please.
And the last one, E.
And your 30 seconds starts now.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS That's good, I like that.
LAUGHTER Thanks for lending us this, Susie.
LAUGHTER Harry, would you like a bite? - Mm, I'd love one.
- LAUGHTER Come over here.
Come and have a bite.
Why not? Why wouldn't you? Yeah.
Well, you see, I didn't get a sausage and in many ways a banana is a sort of vegetarian sausage, isn't it? LAUGHTER It's like owning a tortoise.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I want that.
Where'd you get it from? LAUGHTER Seriously, Susie how many speeds has it got? LAUGHTER Sean how many? I'm afraid, only six.
Only six, OK.
Harry, how many? Six.
Jon? Seven.
Rose? Seven, CREAKED.
- CREAKED is good.
- Oh, what about DECKERS? DICKERS? DECKERS, like double-deckers.
Yes, it's to toy or fiddle.
No, DECKERS.
DECKERS.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Harry, your six? KAISER.
LAUGHTER KAISER.
Is KAISER a word? Yeah, it is, but you can't have it as a verb, unfortunately.
But it's good for six.
- You can't kaisered.
- I didn't say kaisered.
No, I know, I know.
It's a good six.
LAUGHTER Susie, it feels to me, Susie, like you're throwing down, you're trying to cause trouble.
I didn't have to come here, you know? I'm the voice of You've Been Framed, for Christ's sake.
Old lady falling over at a wedding.
"Oh, dear, we can see her knickers.
See you after the break.
" LAUGHTER He's still got it.
He's still got it.
They said he'd lost it.
Sean, your six? CREEDS.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Is it in there if it's pronounced that aggressively? Yeah, its OK.
Jon, your seven.
CREASED.
Mm-hm.
Very good.
Well, seven points to Jon.
Alex, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, Jon, how could he have not got CARDIES? Ah, well, if I'm not wearing it, I can't say it.
That's the rule.
LAUGHTER At some point, I've got to put this banana down.
Down where? LAUGHTER It's going in! LAUGHTER OK, so, Sean and Harry have 22.
Jon and Rose are in the lead with 36.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Are you going to make it spicy, Jimmy? Am I going to make it spicy? I meant, like, you know, maybe make the conundrum worth a bit more than it is, usually.
LAUGHTER - How much do you think? - Make it a bit interesting, Mr Bond.
He'd be the most amazing Bond villain of all time.
LAUGHTER I'd be the only one who's skint.
LAUGHTER Comes out a bookies, he goes, "No, don't worry, we're still taking over the world.
LAUGHTER "It's going to happen, it's just, you know.
" Oh, I think the conundrum today is actually It's quite a tricky one, it's actually worth 15 points.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Cos it's really hard? Is the answer HORSE SHI cos the fucking rules are? LAUGHTER OK, fingers on buzzers.
For 15 points today, let's make it interesting, the crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Time starts now.
LAUGHTER HARRY WHISPERS UNINTELLIGIBLY Oh! AUDITIONS.
Let's have a look.
- Yes.
- Oh, wow! APPLAUSE Well played.
So, the final scores are .
.
Sean and Harry have 22.
Jon and Rose are our winners with 51 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're now the proud owner of this the Countdown Shopping Trolley.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!