Live at The Apollo (2004) s19e01 Episode Script

1
MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl
by Jet
Oh, yeah ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight,
Judi Love!
CHEERING
MUSIC: I Wish It Could Be
Christmas Every Day by Wizzard
Yes!
Merry Christmas, Apollo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How you guys doing?
CHEERING
Christmas-time is special.
It is special.
I find with Christmas, right,
you're always, like,
worrying about, you know,
having a partner -
I'm recently single.
Any single people here?
CHEERING
Oh, are you two single?
Oh, how long you been single for?
So long, you can't remember.
Is it How long has it been?
One week.
One Hold on a minute, hold on.
Wait, hold on.
I need you lot to hear this.
It's been one week?
LAUGHTER
Babes, you probably still
smell of them!
What you talking about?
Is it a good break-up
or a bad break-up?
A good one. A good one, I hear you.
Sometimes, you just gotta walk away
and let them know what they've lost.
Yeah, I understand, you know,
but the thing is,
it's Christmas now, and you want
that person, don't you?
You want someone to
kind of be there.
You want to open a present
from someone who feels
like you're special.
Do you get what I mean?
And what happens sometimes
is you end up just going on dates
and meeting guys or women
just in that moment,
because you think, "I've got
two weeks until Christmas"
LAUGHTER
"I need somebody around, anybody."
But I always try to get rid of them,
like, a few weeks after Christmas.
You have to, you have
to cut them off, keep it moving,
and just walk away.
And sometimes, that doesn't happen.
Sometimes, they linger around
until it's like
That lady nodded, like, "Yeah".
It lingers.
It lingers until the point
where it's years later -
and some of you are here
with them right now.
Do you know what I mean?
LAUGHTER
One of the things I've realised
this Christmas, is I am not
..dating broke dick no more.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And when I say "broke dick",
I don't mean broke as in,
broken, don't work.
I mean, broke in like,
"Where's the money at"? Broke.
I'm not
Y-You can't be doing
broke dick at Christmas! OK?
Because the problem is,
the broke dick brothers -
they work hard, not at work,
but in the bedroom, because
they've got nothing else to do.
So, they're in their bedrooms going,
"Pap, pap", practising.
They, look, all day,
"Pap, pap, pap".
Christmas-time, they're like,
"I'm going to give her
"the Christmas ding-a-ling-a-ling
a-ling-a-ling!"
And that broke-dick brother
will turn up at your house
on Christmas Eve, right?
And you're like,
"No, I know myself. Are you mad?
"How dare you? Are you crazy?
"I've been watching Oprah, OK?
"I'm meditating, I'm doing yoga,
"I'm doing Pilates."
But down there is going,
"Vroom, vroom, vroom,"
and you're trying to walk away
from it, cos you're like, "No."
And then, the problem is,
the last time he came to your house
with his broke-dick self,
he borrowed your car,
which had a full tank of petrol,
he drove it out until Boxing Day,
brought it back empty,
but with a fucking car seat in it.
Right?
LAUGHTER
And you're like,
"I'm not having this."
And what happens? You end up
saying to him, "You know what?
"This is the last time.
This is the last time!"
LAUGHTER
You know, and I've moved,
I've moved.
It's going to be my first
Christmas in my new house.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
I'm originally from South London.
Well, originally from East London,
but I moved to South London.
Anyone here from South London?
CHEERING
The problem is, South London has got
a really bad reputation, right?
I had some friends come from LA
the other day to come and visit me,
do a show, and they came to
visit me in Southin New Cross.
Erm, it's definitely -
yeah, big up yourself -
but it's definitely not new, love,
it's not new, and
it's definitely cross, OK?
LAUGHTER
And I had to give them
the logistics when they were coming.
I said, "Listen, just come,
wear a little hoodie.
"Turn that diamond ring round.
"Don't take your watch out.
"Don't speak to anyone and
keep your head down.
"If anyone talks to you,
you say, 'I'm a bad man.'"
Do you understand what I'm saying?
So, you know, I decided to move,
I moved a little bit.
I've gone more to, like,
the south-west kind of sides.
WHOOP
Yeah, south-west
SHE MUTTERS
..where they all talk like this,
and they've got a WhatsApp group.
STIFFLY: Oh, has anyone here got
a WhatsApp group on your road?
I'm in a WhatsApp group,
and I absolutely love
the WhatsApp group.
"Oh, my God,
your plants are so nice."
"Oh, my God, I saw you
from my south-facing garden."
And the thing is,
when you are buying a house,
they do look at you, and they
always say "south-facing garden" -
I didn't know nothing about
no south-facing
I was like, "Whatever garden
the council's going to give me,
"bredrin, I'll take it."
But now I've got to pick
where I want to live.
And I was like,
"OK, I'll take this one,
"with the south-facing garden."
I didn't understand it.
So, I stood in there,
and the sun shined on my face
..in the south-facing garden
..and I fell in love!
And so, I moved, and my son,
my son was
It's a little less diverse,
where I am.
It's a little less, all right,
a little less.
A little, little less.
It's like "spot the black"
less, you know?
And my son was saying to me,
"Mum, Mum, Mum," like,
"Is it going to be diverse?"
And I'm like, "Of course!
It's still London, son."
As I signed the papers,
my voice started to change.
POSH ACCENT: "Of course,
darlingsweetie pie."
LAUGHTER
"And if it doesn't change,
we'll ask your nanny to help you."
Got him into a really nice school.
He's in his school.
And he said to me, "Mum,"
he rolled up to school,
"Is it going to be diverse?"
Of course it's going to be diverse!
Pulled into the school -
he was the only fucking
black kid in his class.
I said, "Just blend in, darling.
Blend in."
"Mummy's worked hard
for us to get here, darling."
Cos I started to teach him,
it's not about racism sometimes.
Sometimes it's about classism.
"Just blend in, sweetheart."
And we're there, and then
they contact me, and they said,
"Erm, we're going to take, er,
some of the school kids to Africa."
LAUGHTER
And I was like, "What,
just my kid, are you taking?"
Like, did my kid join the school,
and you went,
"OK, OK, right,
let's have a team meeting.
"I think we should take him
to Africa!"
LAUGHTER
I was like, "Any particular part?"
"South Africa."
I was like, "OK, South Africa!
Oh, my God! OK."
I was like We had to
have a meeting, right,
a meeting about the holiday, right?
And I was like, "OK, it's a great
opportunity for him," you know?
But, as a black parent, I was like,
"I haven't really taken him to,
like, deep Africa,"
you know, deep, deep Africa,
not just Comic Relief Africa,
but
LAUGHTER
..you know, like, deep where all
the riches and the diamonds,
and the kings and queens,
and all that beautiful land
and really understanding
our history.
I've taken him to Morocco,
but I want to take him, like,
proper Africa, you know, like
SHE TRILLS
..Africa!
So, I had the meeting, I'd got into
the school and the meeting -
I'm the only black parent
in this meeting.
All the other parents are like
STIFFLY: "Oh, I really need
to know the dates
"that you're planning to fly
"..because I've got a house
in Cape Town,
"and we might go there
the week beforehand."
Another one's like,
"I've got a house in Botswana,
"and I might be going there.
"Because I've gone to Africa
so many times."
And then they turn to me,
and they said to me,
"Have you been to Africa?"
In that moment,
I looked at them and said,
"I am Africa!"
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
You know, I realise we've had
quite a hard time.
I mean, where's all my white men?
SPARSE CHEERING
Oh, don't get scared now,
white men.
LAUGHTER
Don't do this. Don't do this.
White men, where are ya?!
LOUD CHEERING
Yeah, that's the privilege
we want to hear!
LAUGHTER
I must say, white men, you are
having a really difficult time.
White men - do you feel that, sir?
DISTANT: Yeah!
Oh, watch one of them, "Yeah!"
You're having a really bad time,
white men.
I'm feeling for you,
your representation of lately
has been really bad, hasn't it?
When you think - we go way back,
with Boris Johnson,
that was your representation.
Er, you know, Matt Hancock,
isn't it?
Whose cock was in someone's hand.
You know, we did, as well, have,
oofthe riots this year.
Do you remember the riots
some months ago, in the summer?
SPARSE CHEERING
I know. Look, at the end of
the day, it is Christmas,
and we don't want no riots
in Christmas.
But I must say, those rioters,
they were bad
representation for you.
Do you know what I mean?
Was you at the riots?
LAUGHTER
I mean, seriously,
they were rioting,
"Go back to where you came from."
What, fuckin' South London, bredrin?
LAUGHTER
We had rioters rioting down
the place, right?
And they were looting.
They decided to go and loot Greggs,
right?
Lush.
And I'm like, "You're going
to Greggs and Lush,
"and you're toothless!
"Bredrin, you need to go and loot
a fucking dentist, mate."
Do you know what I mean?
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
Since the riots, up to now,
even up to Christmas,
up to Christmas, I get,
you know, people
in South West come up to me and go,
"Oh, my God, I'm so, so glad
we've gone past the summer."
"You know, I'm
not all of us are like that.
"We don't believe in what
those rioters believe in.
"It's an absolute disgrace,
and we're so sorry."
And I'm like, "You don't have
to apologise for them. You don't"
And then, a part of me thinks,
"Ohwell, how sorry are you?"
Like, how sorry?
"How sorry are you, sir?
"Are you, like,
reparational sorry, sir?
"Are you like,
"'pay for my two black kids to go
to private school' sorry, sir?
"Are you,
"'going to pay off this 5.2
interest rate mortgage' sorry, sir?"
Like, how sorry are you?
LAUGHTER
I feel like white men are
struggling so much,
especially in media and society.
You're having such a hard time,
white men, that I feel like
we're going to soon see white men
walking down the road going
HUMMING SOULFULLY
HUMMING CONTINUES
APPLAUSE
Now is your time, white men,
where you should think about
being trans-racial.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Find that little inner black
inside you and let him come out!
This is your time where you can
just say it without feeling bad,
and you can say "wagwan", right?
You look like the inner
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Yeah, you, come here, come here.
You look like the inner black
is inside you!
What's your name?
What's your name? Toby.
To No, you wouldn't
Let the black in you -
so you'd be like, "Toby!"
IMITATES JUDI: Toby!
Now you
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Release your inner black, Toby,
and say, "Wagwan, Judi Love!"
Wagwan, Judi Love!
Yes!
CHEERING
Did you see Toby?
At the end, he was like,
"That's not enough! Yes!"
This is what Christmas does to you.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm a single parent -
any single parents here?
CHEERING
Oh, not that many.
There's levels to this single
parenthood, though, right?
There's single parenthood,
where, like, you've got
your co-parent,
do you know what I mean?
You co-parent,
you swap on the weekends,
you do all that kind of stuff,
do you know what I mean?
You've got grandparents.
Single parents where
SHE SIGHS
..you know, they dip in and out
with the co-parent, and then,
I'm like, lower,
lower-level single parent,
where it's just me.
Like, don't get me wrong, there
was a moment where we'd co-parent,
and that was literally the time
when he was inside me
making the baby.
LAUGHTER
That was the last time
we co-parented.
And, you know, being a single
parent at Christmas, right?
You get the kids, "Oh, Mum, Mum."
When my kids were young,
they were like,
"Mum, Mum, what does
Santa Claus look like?"
And I said, "Well, Santa Claus
shouldn't be just defined
"as a him, right?
"Might be a woman.
"Might be a black woman
"..with big eyes
"..and curly hair,
and diamante nails.
"With a name that might
start with a J.
"And last name might
start with a L"
Because you get frustrated,
as single parents,
you're kind of like,
"Well, I'm Santa Claus, bitch!"
Do you know what I mean?
LAUGHTER
Running up and down,
sweating all over the place.
You ain't got no elves helping you!
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I remember when I was young,
I lived with my mum.
Big up, all the mums here.
CHEERING
Going to be sweating
on Christmas Day, cooking
See, at my house,
it's black Christmas.
You know, black Christmas,
you come down,
and there's black Jesus on the wall.
And we have said this before,
but we know Jesus is black.
Do you know how we know?
Because he was supposed to
come back ages ago,
and he still ain't here.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
He'll definitely come back, though.
He'll come back - in his time.
Can you imagine black Jesus?
"Me soon come, man, me soon come.
"Everyting nice, man."
I'm just assuming he's Jamaican.
Do you know what I mean?
He's going to come with the love,
you know what I mean?
But black Christmas is different,
because we go all out
when it comes to food -
we all do, actually,
I think it's working-class.
We just go out for the food.
But have any of you have ever been
to a Caribbean or African
person's house for food?
It's almost like a sin and
a disrespect to not have
more food than all of us could
eat in one person's house, OK?
And I was like, "Mum, why are you
cooking all of this food?
"Like, I know it's Christmas,
but it's a bit much."
And I was young them days,
I was on the phone to my bredrin,
in my bedroom, and I was like,
"Oh, my God" Cos I was telling
her all the juice, I was about 19,
and it's Christmas, right?
And I did doggy style
for the first time.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I thought, "I'm grown.
"I'm grown."
Do you know what I mean?
So I was telling her, I was like,
"Oh, my God, Cheryl, guess what?
She's like, "What?"
I was like, "I did doggy style!
"Da-da-da-da-da!"
And she was like, "Da-dee-ya!"
I was like, "Yeah!"
And I saw this little light
outside my room and I looked,
I thought, "OK, it's fine," right?
And this Christmas, my dad was
there - who's quite quiet.
He's genuinely quiet anyway,
cos he passed away now,
bless his cotton socks.
LAUGHTER
But my dad was there.
My bad cousin,
bad-boy cousin was there.
And my sister,
who's very Christian, you know,
like Christian-Christian,
no-sex-before-marriage Christian,
right, and my mum was there.
And obviously, I'm feeling myself.
I feel like I'm a grown woman.
And there's all that food out there.
The jerk chicken, everything.
And my mum's trying to share
my plate and I'm like,
"I don't want that.
I don't want that.
"I just want carrots.
I don't want that.
"I just want broccoli.
I don't want that.
"I just want the vegetables."
And she jumped up and said,
"Oh! Yuh no want the food?
"Yuh watch your figure?"
I said, "Yeah".
She goes, "Oh, why?
Cos you deh pon the doggy style?"
SHE GASPS
LAUGHTER
In front of my dad!
My dad kept on eating, like
he didn't know what was going on.
My bad-man cousin jumped up,
"Who the hell is this breda?
"Who is this breda?"
My sister started saying,
"In the name of Jesus!
"In the name of Jesus!"
In that moment, I was like,
"Mum! How the hell do you know
about doggy style?"
She goes, "How you tink I made you?
"Pon deh doggy style with your dad!"
LAUGHTER
But what it did make me realise
is doggy style is for a lifetime,
not just for fucking Christmas, OK?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Apollo, are you ready for your next
act on this Christmas special?
CHEERING
Woo!
Give it up for Dan Tiernan!
CHEERING
MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry
by Jona Lewie
HE GIGGLES
Oh, man.
Well, I'll give you a moment
so you can process
what's just walked
LAUGHTER
..onto the stage.
People at home watching
this like, "What is that?
"Is that a young boy? An old lady?
"Beavis?
"Butt-Head?
"Where are his eyes?"
LAUGHTER
I think
HE GIGGLES
..if I had to describe what
I look like to someone
who's never seen me before,
I'd say that I look like
..I like baked beans.
I got a beanie energy about me,
don't I?
I look like if I don't have
my beans, I'll die!
Do you like baked beans?
I could tell.
LAUGHTER
I can spot a fellow
Beanie Boy when I see one.
I've got bean-dar, hmm!
Next time you eat baked beans,
you're going to think of me.
LAUGHTER
# Cos I'll be in your garden,
banging on the door
Share the beans with me,
you greedy boy! ♪
Merry Christmas.
LAUGHTER
I've got a condition
called dyspraxia
that affects my spatial awareness,
my coordination.
It's not why I look like this.
That's a coincidence.
No, I think I look like this
because my mum also has dyspraxia.
I got dropped a lot, man.
LAUGHTER
I think you can tell
I got dyspraxia.
That's all right.
You gotta remember,
not all disabilities are invisible.
Some of them are pretty visible.
Now, give me some more beans!
I like it.
I like looking a bit disabled.
LAUGHTER
I do.
Never have any problem getting
a seat on the train.
There could be
ten old women standing,
I ain't getting up.
They give me a judgmental look,
I'll just put a lanyard on.
Lanyard, it works a treat.
Without a lanyard,
I look a bit neurodivergent.
With a lanyard, it's like,
"Shitting hell!
"We need to get this lad
to the front of the queue!
"If he doesn't meet
Mickey right now
"..he's going to bite someone!"
LAUGHTER
I'm gayyeah.
CHEERING
I like to make that clear.
I find it puts the women at ease.
LAUGHTER
Feel the relief in the room,
can't you?
All the women are like,
"Thank God for that.
"We're saaafe!"
You are safe, ladies -
gentlemen, you could not be
in more danger!
Now eat the beans!
Eat them!
HE LAUGHS
I scared the life out
of you there, man!
I'm sorry, mate. Apologies.
HE SNIFFS DEEPLY
LAUGHTER
Comfortable with my sexuality.
I don't lie about
being gay any more.
These days, the only time
I lie about being gay
is when I'm in men's toilets.
I think if other guys know
that I'm gay in there,
it'll make them, like,
uncomfortable.
I went for a piss once,
and there were three urinals.
And there was a guy having a piss
on the far-left urinal,
and I went in the middle urinal
..and he was like, "Mate
"..that's the gay urinal."
And I didn't want him
to know I was gay -
so I went in his.
LAUGHTER
"Room for a little one?"
Excited for Christmas, man.
Excited.
I'm going to be living like
a king this Christmas
..cos I've got gout!
# Gout, baby
I'm a gouty boy! ♪
Gout, if you don't know,
is a type of arthritis that
you get from being a legend.
Most common in men.
Women can get gout as well!
It's a thing, lady gout. Mm!
Gouting for girls, it happens!
It happens. You gotta watch out!
Two main triggers are eating
too much red meat,
drinking too much lager.
I had a big pain in my big toe.
I went to the pharmacy.
The pharmacist said,
"I think you've got gout, mate."
And I hadn't even told him
what my symptoms were.
LAUGHTER
He just looked at me
and made an assumption,
I wasn't even speaking to the guy.
I walked into the shop,
he made a beeline for me.
He was like, "I think
you've got gout, mate!"
To be fair to him, I was eating
a whole goose at the time.
I got diagnosed officially
with the gout in Australia.
Cos you can get these really
cool things over there called
a GP appointment.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, good stuff.
When they're available here,
it's going to change this country!
I was in Australia for
the Melbourne Comedy Festival.
When I got the gig,
I was very excited.
I called my grandma, I said,
"Grandma, they're sending me
to Australia."
She goes, "What the fuck
have you done now?!"
LAUGHTER
Doctor, right?
He gives me this pamphlet
all about gout.
And the top section of the pamphlet,
it said, "Who gets gout"?
And then it was just a list
of famous people in history
who've had gout.
Whose first question
..when getting diagnosed
with a disease is,
"Well, who else has had it?"
LAUGHTER
Is that, like, an Australian thing?
HE GIGGLES
Do they do that with, like,
all diseases over there?
Is there someone finding out that
they've just been diagnosed
with Alzheimer's, and they're like,
"Right, let's see what
company we're in. Hmm.
"Ronald Reagan, OK!
"Bruce Willis, good stuff!
"Ronald Reagan, OK!
"Bruce Willis, good stuff!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
People judge you about your
lifestyle when you've got gout.
My mum, she's always judging me
about my lifestyle.
She's like, "Dan, is that you
munching on a Bombay bad boy?"
"Don't call him that!
"All right?
"You can't say that any more,
Mother.
"You're meant to call him
a Mumbai mincer!"
LAUGHTER
I've not had too much homophobia.
I did once work with a
Jehovah's Witness.
Any in?
SILENCE
All right, I'll crack on.
LAUGHTER
She was a homophobe, man.
She said her main concern
with me being gay is that
I might influence the other men
we work with,
and make them gay.
And it's a fair point.
I know what I'm like.
HE SCREAMS
Can you believe that, though?
A Jehovah's Witness accusing me,
a gay man, of going round
trying to change people's minds?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
We never go knocking on doors,
do we?
Imagine if we did, though.
HE GIGGLES
"Is the man of the house in?
"I can try round the back door."
Ooh-hoo!
I'm going to be spending
Christmas at my mum's, right?
And my mum is a
matrimonial solicitor.
Ooh.
AUDIENCE OOHS
My dad has no stuff.
My mum and dad are divorced.
My dad's not very good with
computers or technology,
so he actually asked
my mum to design
his online dating profile for him.
So, she left him and
LAUGHTER
That's the way it goes.
Spending Christmas at my mum's,
with my mum and her partner
..NICK! And
LAUGHTER
I try and hide it, but the truth is,
I don't really get on with NICK!
He's got annoying habits,
like little annoying habits
that build up and proper get to me,
like every night, before bed,
he makes toast
..but instead of lightly,
gently spreading the butter,
he's one of those,
he proper digs at it.
How annoying is that?
That's annoying, isn't it?
Yeah. And then,
he fucks my mum!
LAUGHTER
"NOOOO!
"THAT'S MY MUMMY!"
LAUGHTER
"THAT'S MY MILK!"
All right, we've got an hour
left of my bit. Lovely.
LAUGHTER
I'm dyspraxic. I get extra time.
Yeah.
Anyone tries
to get me off this stage,
it's a hate crime!
No, I'll finish on this.
Trying to be a better person
this Christmas.
I've got Nick a Christmas present,
right, cos I want to make an effort.
But he's very difficult to buy for.
I asked him what he wanted,
and he was like,
"Oh, Dan, mate,
don't worry about it.
"I don't know, just get me
"..get me summat
I wouldn't choose myself."
LAUGHTER
So, I got him
..a framed picture of my dad.
Oh!
HE CHORTLES
Thank you so much for having me.
Have a great Christmas.
Cheers, goodnight!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Woo!
Give it up for Dan Tiernan!
OK, are you ready for your next act?
CHEERING
Welcome to the stage, John Kearns!
LAUGHTER
MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone
by Shakin' Stevens
Merry Christmas, Hammersmith Apollo!
Lovely to be back.
Christmas morning, I'm, er,
I'm just like you lot.
Wake up.
Smile.
Get on with the day.
LAUGHTER
That'll be the last of that.
Lean over.
Turn off my carbon monoxide alarm.
LAUGHTER
It's amazing
I can sleep through that.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
My partner,
I write something in her card.
You know, "Even the weariest river
winds somewhere safely to sea."
Something like that, I don't know.
Give her something to think about
between Christmas and New Year.
Buck's fizz.
That's what I love about Christmas.
You can drink alcohol
in the morning.
Set your pudding on fire -
no-one bats an eyelid.
That's normal, apparently.
Always fresh orange juice
in my Buck's fizz.
"How fresh?"
I'm teaching it manners!
That's how fresh!
Check in on my neighbour.
She's had a tough year.
Five years ago now, she
..she buried her husband.
He died.
LAUGHTER
And part of her culture
is that you put money,
you know, in the breast pocket.
So, she put £500 in.
Anyway, February,
she was having a real bad patch.
So, she calls the council,
and, you know, they
HE CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
..they crack open the coffin.
20 quid short.
He was wearing a new hat.
No-one can explain it, you know?
As a kid, oh, you know,
you're smiling all day as a kid.
I'm looking over at the stocking.
"He's been!"
Unfurl it onto the bed.
A satsuma. Easy-peel.
Spanish.
"I've been a good boy!"
Maybe some aftershave.
A Moroccan blend of
cinnamon and spice
in its own caramel rattan.
I love a rattan.
I'll take teabags on
holiday with it.
I ain't chucking it away.
Maybe a bottle of Paco Rabanne!
Who knows?
He died last year, Paco Rabanne.
I didn't know that was a guy.
Came up on my phone.
"Breaking news -
Paco Rabanne dead."
I'm like, "That's like saying
cornflakes is dead.
"What's happening here?
LAUGHTER
"Oh, he was a man."
What else is a man?!
Fray Bentos. Is that a guy?
I don't know!
Slide down the banisters,
me and my brothers.
It could get a bit congested.
Into the living room.
We're sat there in
our dressing gowns.
My dad, he comes down in
the dressing gown,
and we sit there on the settee,
our bollocks swinging
in the draught.
No-one mentioning it.
My mum running around with
a recycling bag,
because the fun
has to end sometime!
"Mum, it's 7.15am! Have a heart!"
"Don't try and intimidate me.
"We're quarter past, boy!
"The fun has to end sometime!"
LAUGHTER
Christmas dinner.
My uncle, he'll be there.
I only see him at Christmas.
He's a nice man.
Blazer on.
Packed with 20 envelopes.
They're not lit down.
Nothing written on the front.
Nothing written in the card.
£20 in each one.
That's how you do Christmas.
He doesn't know who you are.
He just hands them out willy nilly.
He don't care.
He went on Mastermind.
Specialist subject - angels.
He got zero points.
He just sat there going,
"Er, is it Gabriel?
"No? OK. All right.
"This one's gotta be Gabriel!
"No? OK. OK."
He won some money on
a scratchcard when I was 15,
so he always seemed quite
cool to me, you know?
He, er, he quit his job,
wanted to live his life doing
what he'd always wanted to do.
He was a DJ for a bit.
He got sacked from a venue,
though, New Year's Eve.
He did the countdown from three.
No-one was ready, you know?
LAUGHTER
What will I watch?
I'll watch Dad's Army.
I'll crack that on.
Every Christmas, I watch that.
Oh, yeah.
Don't need to watch it
at Christmas, though.
It's on BBC Two every Saturday.
Does my head in.
Every Saturday afternoon, BBC Two!
They still show Dad's Army!
Now, there's nothing
wrong with that.
One of the best shows ever written,
ever acted - genius!
But bugger me, they were old then!
They were old then!
You're looking at it like,
"Christ, this is in black and white!
And they're old THEN!"
There's one guy, Godfrey -
fubugger me!
He's wandering around, I'm like,
"Who is that?" I Google it.
He was born in 1896!
LAUGHTER
There's a Victorian walking around
on BBC Two every Saturday!
I'd love to go back to 1910,
I don't know.
"Hello, mate!
"Er, you know, in over 100 years,
you're going to be on television
"in a sitcom about World War II."
He's going to be like,
"I've got a few questions, mate.
"Erwhat is a sitcom?
"What is a television?
"And if you could,
when's World War I?
"I'd love to know that."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
My mum, she still does
the Christmas dinner.
Phenomenal. No touching it.
But I've gotta bring something -
but I don't have anything.
When you're 30 and you're
turning up to your parents' house,
just bringing yourself ain't enough.
They start looking around your legs,
looking at your hands.
You've got to bring something.
A kid, a dish, something.
They're bored of you.
LAUGHTER
So, I went on the
BBC Maestro website.
Right, I thought,
"There's gotta be some in here."
And there's a course from
Marco Pierre White
on how to cook, right?
£85 - on the BBC!
HE CHORTLES
"Your licence is no good here!"
LAUGHTER
But it's Marco.
He won three Michelin stars.
He taught Ramsey how to cook.
Come on now.
I buy it, and I'm scrolling
the videos.
"There's gotta be something."
And there's one that catches
my eye - How To Boil Potatoes.
Wow.
The video's seven minutes long.
HE LAUGHS
OK, OK!
I press play, and there's Marco.
He's got his hat on, ready to work.
And he's peeling the potatoes.
"Ha-ha, yeah, done that, Marco!"
Puts them in boiling water.
"Yeah! Done that, Marco!"
A bit of lemon juice in the water
to stop them discolouring.
"Yeah - well, that's not bad,
to be fair, actually.
"But you can tell me that
at a book signing.
"Your name's long enough.
"A bit of lemon juice in the water,
stop 'em goin' grey.
"See you later."
This was 85 quid, Marco!
He gets a sharp knife.
He starts prodding them, he goes,
"They're about 90% done."
HE WHEEZES
There's still six minutes
of the video to go!
I've been done up like a kipper!
He gets the pan, pours out
all of the water, and then,
puts as much water
that there was in the pan,
but of butter.
FUCK MEEE!
That's a lot of butter, Marco!
He starts slapping it in.
He goes, "Don't mess around
with butter. It's not a toy.
"You know, people tell me that using
this much butter is a crime.
"But crime isn't vulgar.
"Vulgarity is a crime.
"Who said that? Oscar Wilde."
I'm going to university!
He wraps the pan in clingfilm,
stares at them through the window.
He goes, "I can't think of
a better way to die
"than drowning in butter."
We're a long way from the BBC now!
He leaves them to drown
for one hour.
I want a GoPro on his head.
I want to see where he goes
and who he talks to.
He comes back, slices open
the clingfilm, plates them up,
crystal salt, parsley
to cleanse the palate.
And then, he goes, "You know,
a labourer works with their hands.
"A craftsman works with
their hands and their mind.
"But a true artist works with
their hands, their mind,
"and their heart."
Camera pans down -
plate of boiled potatoes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I've just saved you 85 quid there.
I'm serious.
Christmas rolls in to January,
of course.
And that's when
I'll hit the gym again.
A couple of years back,
I had a personal trainer,
Pavel. Polish. 29.
Capricorn.
LAUGHTER
He gave up.
I told him, "I'm not going
to give up the bread.
"I'm not going to give up the booze.
"Find a way, Pavel.
"I could be like your caged animal.
"You could wheel me round,
find a way!"
But I quit. Got rid of him.
He was just taking my money,
you know?
I remember the moment
he made me run around the gym
like a spider.
I thought, "I've never seen
anyone do that before."
I gave it a good minute -
which, if you think about it,
is a very long time.
I stopped.
I said, "I can't do this any more."
I ran down to the changing room.
I was sick everywhere.
I sat in the sauna.
I thought about my life for a bit.
I went back to my locker,
took out my bag, unzipped it,
realised I hadn't packed
a clean pair of pants,
and the T-shirt I thought
I brought was a pillowcase.
OK?
LAUGHTER
No matter how bad your life's going,
always remember this.
There's always someone worse off,
you know?
Like tonight.
Down a narrow alleyway,
there'll be a sausage dog doing
a three-point turn, you know?
LAUGHTER
Merry Christmas, and bye-bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Woo! Yes!
Give it up for John Kearns!
What an amazing night!
Give it up for Dan Tiernan
and John Kearns!
CHEERING
This has been
Christmas At The Apollo.
I've been your host, Judi Love.
Thank you!