8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s19e02 Episode Script
Joe Wilkinson, Kiri Pritchard-McLean, The Brett Domino Trio
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Joe Wilkinson, Kiri Pritchard-McLean, The Brett Domino Trio, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Please be aware tonight's show may contain flashing images.
Well, I say "flashing images" - Joe Wilkinson is here, and he likes to get his wang out.
LAUGHTER OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock, he's got a head for figures and a forehead for wrinkles.
LAUGHTER And joining Sean tonight, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Joe has a very distinctive look, and that look is accountant for the IRA.
LAUGHTER Up against them this evening is Team Captain Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Comedian, presenter, writer, husband and father, you'd think he'd be good at least one of them.
LAUGHTER And Jon's team-mate this evening, Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But, Kiri, if you're with us tonight, who's turning 101 Dalmatians into a coat? LAUGHTER - Sean - Yes, Jimmy? .
.
apart from comedy, are there any other of your achievements we might not be aware of? Erm, I am Britain's most capped male netball player of all time.
LAUGHTER I've been playing for 26 years.
You know, it's incredible, actually, yeah, I still fit into the same skirt.
LAUGHTER But we do tend to keep very quiet about it, it's not something you brag about, male netball, you keep it quiet.
We know, we have our own way of recognising it, so it's like the Freemasons, we've got our own signal.
How do you tell? Like this, you go like that LAUGHTER .
.
and if they go, "Oh, right", then you talk about it.
But otherwise I keep that fairly quiet.
LAUGHTER Er, Kiri, your first time on the show.
Do you think you're going to be better at the letters or the numbers? I think I'm going to be really bad at both of them, erm Well, you're on the right show.
Yeah, but I mean properly, I've got Attention Deficit Disorder, so I'm hoping you're going to give me extra time, cos I've probably got it as well, I haven't just got divorced parents.
Erm LAUGHTER .
.
and I was diagnosed, like, really late in life.
I was diagnosed with it when I was, like, 23.
I was in university, and the only real cure for it was a free laptop.
LAUGHTER So .
.
I struggled on like a brave soldier.
LAUGHTER Joe, is there anything you'd change about yourself? No.
LAUGHTER I'm very happy with my face and body at the moment, I've peaked, erm LAUGHTER There's probably only one thing I'd do, which is very common for men, but I actually have one testicle that's larger than the others.
LAUGHTER It's the one on the far left.
LAUGHTER So, I'd have that shrunk down by about 8 inches, and, erm, but the other four, I'd just leave in the, the diamond formation that they're in.
LAUGHTER - OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? - Yes, Jimmy.
I was doing the recycling the other week, and, erm - Oh, Christ.
- .
.
screaming, as I usually am, and I suddenly shouted, "I'm sick and tired of having to shout, "for Christ's sake, rinse the milk bottles out" LAUGHTER .
.
and it suddenly struck me that that was a rap.
LAUGHTER And so, I thought I'll get myself a rap album.
So, it's time I released my rap album.
I wanted to call myself a certain name, and I found out it was already taken, er, by a young lady called Cardi B.
LAUGHTER Its barely even a cardigan, what she's got on there.
So, I thought, I'll have a little think, come up with a suitable name.
No-one's taken Cardi G.
LAUGHTER Get Bleach or Die Tryin'? What LAUGHTER - Too right mate, too right.
- What does the G stand for? .
.
gan.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE This is all merch, as well, I realised you've got to monetise, haven't you, you've got to monetise these things, so, these are all things you can buy.
The chain, if I wear it, there we go.
I'll wear the chain like that, and it's got a little padlock, er, so you can use it to tie your Brompton up.
LAUGHTER And er, the cap, that's got, it's got my slogan on it.
Respect Motherfigures.
LAUGHTER So, that's available to buy, erm, in my lock-up.
And, er, it's just, er, some tracks influenced by my life.
Er, "Straight Out Of Clingfilm".
LAUGHTER It's about my upbringing there.
"Duster's Paradise".
That's quite a jaunty number, that one.
"Fight The Shower".
Er .
.
"Empire State of this Kitchen".
LAUGHTER And, er, "I've Got 99 Problems "But A Scuff Mark On The Parquet Flooring Isn't One, "Cos I Mixed A Small Amount Of Baking Soda Into A Paste "And Used A Soft Cloth In A Circular Motion "To Gently Rub Out The Stain Until Its Disappeared "But Please Take Your Fucking Trainers Off".
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Cardi G, everyone.
APPLAUSE OK, erm, Kiri, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
- What have you got? Well, I love animals, so I've brought some friends to keep me company and wish me good luck.
So, this is a hobby that I started before I went vegan.
Erm, so, this LAUGHTER .
.
this is the first one I ever bought.
This is Terry Beefsheen, and he was £15 from Halifax, and someone who knows about birds told me he's a hermaphrodite.
So, that's the first one.
LAUGHTER You're a vegan with taxidermy? Yeah.
It's quite hard, actually, cos I can't really get any more, cos I've got to try and find it ethically, and the only one I want is a peacock and I don't know how that dies of a natural cause.
Erm, just being too fabulous, I guess.
Erm, but this one, I like this one, cos it's like Fantastic Mr Fox, but it's screaming.
LAUGHTER Erm, I got this one, er, someone just handed me this in an Asda bag on my birthday party, erm, so that's there.
Oh, and this one, this is a LAUGHTER Oh.
How long did you have it before you did your hair? LAUGHTER I like them all around me, cos it sort of feels like Animals Of Farthing Wood.
It's like Animals Of Chernobyl.
LAUGHTER You can, if you want, you can put your finger through the the hole in his neck.
Oh! It's like a Chinese finger trap.
LAUGHTER There's something wet in there and I don't know what it is.
I don't suppose that one's for sale, is it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Joe, have you got a mascot? I've done this show a lot, and there's talk of me not being any good at it, cos I'm as thick as pig shit.
LAUGHTER But I don't believe it's that.
I believe I'm not that great at it cos I can't write that quick.
So, to help me write a bit quicker, I've bought myself a bionic arm.
A what, sorry? A bionic arm.
- Wow.
- It's all right, innit? That's amazing.
You know these are not cheap, cos you can spend up, anything up to about 300 quid for a bionic arm.
So I found this one a bit cheaper on eBay.
Erm, it's a bit cheaper, because it's made by Birdseye LAUGHTER .
.
the frozen food company.
So, this is the one I bought.
It's all right, but some of the features I don't think are up to that much, like, here, you can get ones with, er, like a machine gun there.
But this one's just got a couple of potato waffles inside LAUGHTER .
.
and it's not as good.
This here, you could get one with a laser, and again, it's just got a potato waffle, but it's on a chain.
LAUGHTER It's got a rocket launcher, here, which is, I'll be honest with you, it's a bit shit, cos it just fires a potato waffle about LAUGHTER .
.
about a foot and a half.
Erm, oh, guess what I keep in my glove pouch? - Is it a potato waffle? - No, it's a Findus crispy pancake.
LAUGHTER - Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, Jimmy I do.
I was, as is my wont, rummaging around in my loft the other day, and lo and I don't normally talk like this.
LAUGHTER .
.
lo and behold, what did I encounter? I found this old box of love letters, Jimmy, and I realised, I was reading them, I'd forgotten just what a romantic devil I used to be back in my youth.
And I know, you know, these early, you know, first loves, these are the letters I found.
But this one, this one is, erm, er, "Florence, my dear, "have those blokes at the abattoir accepted you yet? LAUGHTER "I reckon you can kill as well as any man.
"You've certainly put a bolt through my heart.
LAUGHTER "I never thought I'd miss Woking, "and I don't.
LAUGHTER "But I miss you, and the Red Lion.
"Got to go, my love, foreman is banging on the Portaloo door.
LAUGHTER "Seany Bear.
" LAUGHTER That's the sort of, like, romantic little - That's very sweet.
- Another one here.
"My dearest Florence, I'm guessing you're busy at the abattoir, "what with Christmas LAUGHTER .
.
and that's why you haven't replied.
"Have you heard of Pot Noodles? LAUGHTER "They're great.
"Kettle broke on site, but they're even nice cold.
LAUGHTER "Nearly saved up enough for my tattoo.
"How do you spell your full name? LAUGHTER "Got to go my dear, my home-brew has gone straight through me.
LAUGHTER "See you at the weekend, guts depending.
" LAUGHTER It's like 50 Shades of Grey.
And so, yeah, things were going very smooth until I got this hammer blow.
- Wow.
- "Dear Sean, I am writing this at work.
"Sorry about the blood.
LAUGHTER "I had a spurter this morning.
LAUGHTER "I won't be able to make Jaws 3 on Sunday.
"Geoff's back from the rigs, and he's loaded.
"Keep out of the Red Lion for a bit, Sean, "Geoff's got a fucking temper on him.
LAUGHTER "Florence.
" That was the end of that.
LAUGHTER And this is how I dealt with the heartbreak.
"Dear Florence, you've not replied to my last 15 letters.
"I called at the abattoir the other day, "but they said you'd be ages, because you'd got 150 lambs to do.
LAUGHTER This is really painful.
"I could hear your laughter over the bleating.
LAUGHTER Ah, ha-ha! "I'm heartbroken, of course, "but I am now seeing Elizabeth from Neptune's Sea Bar.
I think she's got a coil fitted, so I won't need those condoms back.
LAUGHTER "Adieu, Florence.
"PS - what was our song? I've forgotten.
" LAUGHTER And I wrote that to hurt her.
But that's the sort of romantic fool I used to be.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The romantic Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's the Brett Domino Trio.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, they might be awkward, nerdy dweebs, but there's one thing no-one can take away from them, their virginity.
LAUGHTER It says here you're Yorkshire's premier two-piece keyboard group.
Do you have any advice to fellow keyboard players? Erm, just, you know, just reach for the stars, er, climb every mountain LAUGHTER .
.
follow your heart's desire, and er, you know, when that rainbow's shining over you, that's sort of when your dreams will all come true.
LAUGHTER And with the Brett Domino Trio, of course, Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie used to present the Drivetime Show on BBC Radio Oxford, but they had to move her to nights, after listeners kept falling asleep at the wheel.
LAUGHTER OK, erm, are there any names you particularly like? Er, well Jimmy's a good one.
Jimmy's in the dictionary, it's got a really long entry, so to speak.
LAUGHTER Get a room! Get a room, you two! We're not getting a room.
Erm, but a jimmy can also mean a burglar's crowbar, and, genuinely, it also is a verb, it's a bit like jemmy, it can mean to squeeze something in, to jimmy something in.
Sometimes I do have to thumb it in, yeah, OK.
LAUGHTER And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WOLF WHISTLES Rachel says people have a weird screwed up maths face when they try and do maths in front of her.
Sorry to break it to you, Rachel, but they're not doing maths, and that is not their maths face.
LAUGHTER - Nice.
- You're having a baby.
How did this happen? AWKWARD LAUGHTER You know, you know those videos you always get told off for watching at work? Yeah, the educational The way most people do it, sometimes you can pregnant from that.
Yeah, well, I don't know if you've seen the videos I watch - No, no - .
.
but you can't get pregnant like that.
LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Glockenspiel.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HE PLAYS THE END OF THE COUNTDOWN THEME APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Er, Jon, Kiri, you get the first pick of the letters.
Can, er, please may I have two vowels? Thank you, Kiri.
U And A.
You're going to have to help with the rest of it, though.
Er, all right then.
A consonant, please.
G Consonant.
S Consonant.
Vowel, please.
E Consonant.
N And a consonant.
R And a You pick the last one.
A vowel.
- And the last one, O.
- Thank you.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Come on.
What you doing? Yeah? BELL RINGS LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE CHEERING Stay, stay still or it's going to slip out.
I genuinely, I can't tell where you end and I begin.
LAUGHTER Kiri, how many? Er, four.
She only got four.
Nothing I can do here, mate.
LAUGHTER Jon, how, how many? I'll try an eight.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
- Joe? - I'm going to try a four.
LAUGHTER Er, OK, Kiri, what's yours? Er, SAGE.
- SAGE? - That's lovely.
- Joe, what did you get? - STEN.
STEN? S-T-N, STEN.
- Oh, STEN? - STEN.
- No.
- Or RAGU.
LAUGHTER I'm going to go with RAGU.
I'm going to go with RAGU.
LAUGHTER Sean, what's your six? GROANS Jon, your eight? Well, not a lot of people know how cheese is made, but all cheese comes in little tiny strips, and then somebody UNGRATES it LAUGHTER .
.
back into a block.
UNGRATES - Susie? - I can, I think I can safely say that it's not in.
Well, how the fuck is cheese made then, Susie? LAUGHTER OK, I've got to go, I'm going to tap out.
Oh, ah, thank you.
APPLAUSE Rather nice.
APPLAUSE Nice.
Realise you've been living a lie, Jimmy? LAUGHTER - Er, six points to Sean.
- Yes.
APPLAUSE Er, could they have done any better? Er, yeah, there was a solid eight in there.
Er, OUTRAGES.
Erm, I think you can put the N in, and have OUTRANGES as well, er - OUTRANGES? - Yeah, you can, OUTRANGES.
That's even longer.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
Er, Sean, Joe, you pick the numbers.
Could I definitely have the hundred? Otherwise I'm out.
LAUGHTER Oh, I can definitely go for one from the top.
- This one? - Yep, yeah, yeah, and then little ones, please.
Five little 'uns.
And make it around about 200.
LAUGHTER We've got 8, 3, 5, 4, 7 and 50.
- So that's - Oh, that is a pile of shit.
.
.
almost 100, and the target, 927.
Oh, come on! LAUGHTER OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 927.
Joe, did you get it? What is, can I ask quickly, what 18 X 50 is? LAUGHTER 900? I got 900.
LAUGHTER Er, Sean, did you get it? I got, er, sorry, 920.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? No, I didn't.
OK, so what did you get? Er, well 920, but, frankly, I couldn't be fucking bothered to say it.
LAUGHTER Kiri, did you get it? - No.
- OK.
Well, how did, how did you do it? You did it with the 3 + 7 - + 8 = 18 - Yep.
- .
.
X 50.
- 900.
- Then 4 X 5 = 20.
- Yep.
- Why didn't I think of that? - Seven away.
- OK, five points to Sean.
APPLAUSE And, Jon, can I confirm, you don't want to have the points for this? No, I didn't declare anything.
- You didn't declare anything? - I didn't think Too ashamed, you don't need our charity? It's all to do with sort of what coin you'll walk past.
I viewed that as a tuppence, on the floor, near a bit of bird shit.
LAUGHTER Frankly, I'll wait and see if there's a fiver wedged behind a wheelie bin.
LAUGHTER Tuppence is what I was brought up to call my fanny.
LAUGHTER - Tuppence? - Yeah.
- Its different in Anglesey, isn't it? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER You named it after how much it is a go.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Rachel, could it be done? If you say 8 X 7 = 56 - OK - - 3 = 53 + 50 = 103 and then 4 + 5 = 9 and times them together, 927.
APPLAUSE And, er, here is your teaser.
The words are NICE RODS.
The clue is - I'll think about it.
That's NICE RODS - I'll think about it.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NICE RODS, the clue was, I'll think about it.
It was, of course, CONSIDER.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Joe and Kiri.
Yes! OK.
So, Joe, your turn to choose.
Choose some some letters.
OK, could I have a vowel, please? Thanks, Joe.
I Oh, I meant consonant.
Er, it's all right.
S Can I swap it? Could I? Oh, we're going.
Um, can I have a consonant? Z And I'll have, er, a vowel, please.
E Oh, got a word! Have you got it? - What? - Nothing.
Er, could I have a consonant, please? P And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
S Got a 5! And a vowel.
O And a consonant, please.
And the last one - H OK, and your time starts now.
APPLAUSE Sort of cute, isn't it? Oh, it makes a little noise at the back.
- RECORDING OF JIMMY'S LAUGH - KIRI: Aww! It's good, isn't it? I made one for Joe.
Here you go, Joe.
Look at that.
Oh, I like that.
It's a weird kid's toy that looks like it's going to touch the kid.
So, let's give that to, er to Joe.
Now this is quite special, this took me a while.
Oh, a little drag queen bear.
- I love it! Thank you so much.
- Yeah, it's cute, isn't it? This is really my pride and joy.
APPLAUSE A lovely A lovely little Oh! Oh! What happens if I press the button? SEAN: I hate playing Countdown.
- He's a grumpy bear, isn't he? - Yeah.
There you go.
Let's give that to, er to Sean.
Of course, I haven't forgotten you.
Is it going to be a little teeny tiny one? Still funny.
I'll give that to my child and scar her for life.
Joe, what have you got? How many? - Five.
- Kiri, how many? - Six! - Er, Joe, what's your five? SIZES.
SIZES.
OK.
And Kiri? All blanks and SIZES - SHAPES - Well done.
- Oh, that's incredible, you deserve the point there.
- That's incredible, innit? - That is incredible.
- Oh, I'm so happy! - SHAPES and SIZES, SHAPES and SIZES! Points to Kiri.
The Brett Domino Trio, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, there's a seven there.
It's APHESIS.
And it means the loss of a vowel from the beginning of a word.
So, esquire, becomes squire, alone becomes lone.
You'd assume that would just be the word "phesis", wouldn't you? - Exactly.
- Got to throw in a gag every now and again for the real Countdown viewers, and thanks for sticking with us.
You've been sat through all those fanny jokes, didn't ya, and you've just.
A little wordplay banter there.
Is your mum in the audience? HE LAUGHS - Yes, my, my mother is here this evening, Jimmy.
- Is she? - Yes.
Where's Jon's mum? There's my mum.
That's my sister.
APPLAUSE Is there an empty chair next to you there? TEARFULLY: Dad didn't get the e-mail.
That's fine.
- Be nice if she saw you win, I think.
- It would be, wouldn't it? Probably the fanny jokes is what we'll talk about mostly after the show.
It's her fault for telling me that it was all right to drop out of University.
This is what happens, you see.
I could be a translator now, couldn't I? I could be inviting you out to Barcelona.
But never mind, here we are.
Spunky, spunky, on with the game.
Right, time now for Sean and Jon to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers and remember - Mummy's here.
Thank you, Daddy.
- Can I have one big and five small please? - We've got 3, 8, 9, 6, - 7 and 75.
- Boo! - The worst one, it's definitely the worst one.
- And the target - OK, your time starts now.
Best feeling of my life! Actually looks more like you now.
Sean, did you get it? No.
I got 989.
Argh, so close.
- Er, Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
Sorry, guys.
Hate to be the loser at the party but someone's got to drive.
How'd you get it, Jon? I haven't got it, I just was enjoying myself.
Sean.
Sean, for the win, then? QUIETLY: 7 + 6 7 + 6 = 13 This is how people who are good at maths talk.
7 + 6 = 13 x 75 Is this an impression of me? Sort of.
So you You don't realise this is how you ,sound Rachel.
I never realised.
You're right.
- What does that come to? 975? - Mm-hm.
So, then you add 9 and 8 together, don't you? - Why? - You get You get 17.
Why would you do that? Why If you had these three numbers, why would you add these two? Why not? Yeah, why not? Because you're trying to get that number.
I don't know, but I've done it.
I mean, the 9 and the 3 together.
But I didn't, I did 9 + 8 - 3.
Oh, my God.
What's that, Rachel? Well, it's more than you wanted.
No, it isn't.
I wanted 989.
- You've got 989.
Well done, two away.
- Thank you.
Could it be done, though? You could have just gone 9 + 3 = 12 - And added it.
- Yeah.
- And then you'd have got 987.
7 points to Sean.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
The Brett Domino Trio, what have you got for us? Er, well I went to the dentist the other day, Jimmy, I don't like to boast.
Um, they had both of these magazines on the table.
Trout Fisherman and Trout & Salmon Magazine.
Um And, long story short, I've written a love song, using exclusively headlines and articles from those two fishing magazines.
So I'd like to play that now, if that's all right? I guess, unless we have another option? Lovely stuff.
Er, let's get set up.
Um It's called Dry Fly Dreams.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS # Well, I'm a fisherman # Just trying to keep warm while wading out all alone # Under the midnight sun # Well, it's a pleasant time of day # But I'm asking myself, has the magic gone? # Is it worth hanging around? # Is that magnetic attraction just a memory now? # I miss your sexy eyes and your cheeky cheeks # Shucks, it was like a fairy tale like Beauty and the Beast # Well, I may be small but perfectly formed # Let's just do it, baby What you waiting for? # You're like the bread to my pickles and cheese, # And ooh-ooh-ooh I'd like the ploughman's please # You're in my dry fly dreams # We're I'm fishing, my mind just starts back drifting # Wishing you were here # Well, I'm not very superstitious # But I feel the force between us # Now the water's clear # I know there's lakes aplenty # But we are history in the making # Say you'll stay with me # In my dry fly dreams.
# Dry fly dreams # Well, I'm balanced, mashed and ready to go, # I've got some dates for my diary and I want to know # If we use fish as a metaphor for our love, just hear me out # Tell me, baby, how heavy is your trout? # Going back, I never want a stream but # Well, I could be your ultraviolet secret, # What's the catch? # The best just got better It's the dry fly dreams.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, everyone.
Got a fizzy tuppence after that.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Jon and Kiri are on 6, - Sean and Joe are on 18.
- Yes! APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are RARE SHIT.
The clue is - tackier than normal.
That's RARE SHIT, tackier than normal.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were RARE SHIT, the clue was - tackier than normal.
It was, of course, TRASHIER.
OK, so playing Countdown can be pretty tense.
So, let's help the players chill out with a Countdown Relaxation Round.
Oooh! Jon, what would you find most relaxing? Well, you would have to not be here.
What I don't like is this that's happening now, the sort of premise that it's going to be a relaxation round and then something's going to explode and I'm going to shit my pants.
It's not going to be an explode, it's going to be fully, fully relaxing.
Nothing's going to go bang or pop, it's just going to be relaxing.
OK, bring on the Countdown masseuses.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
- Holy crap.
- Ooh! - I'm sorry? - Oh, lovely.
Fucking hell! Look at the size of mine! Fuck! Oh! Fuck! He's got grip like a gorilla! - Fucking - Christ almighty! This isn't Joe's looks like The Hound from Game Of Thrones.
Oh, that's is really good.
Just a head massage.
Head massage a little bit more.
Maybe just Yeah.
Not head! Not my head.
Don't crush my head.
Oh, that's all right.
- Yeah, just that, just that, just go with that.
- I'm so scared! - Oh, that's lovely, I'm very happy with mine, Jimmy, very happy, yeah.
- Nice? This is lovely.
She's working out some knots.
Arghh! That's a bone! You can't work bone out! - What's wrong with Joe? - I can hear him laughing! - Is Joe crying? - How can you not like this? - I hate this so much! Oh! I don't like being touched .
.
it turns out.
And we'll allow feet on the table for this round as well, if you want to properly relax.
Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
- Jon, pick your letters.
- Oh! - Argh! Consonant, please.
Argh! Joe is sweating so hard.
A vowel, please? Joe's crying.
SEAN SIGHS - I don't like it.
- I like it.
U Consonant, please.
OK, consonant.
L It's quite hard, innit? A consonant, please.
Can we get a fucking move on? A vowel, please.
A Can we go back to head Can we go back to head massage for Joe? No! Ooh, are we playing? Consonant.
There's a lot of tension in that beard.
L - Do you not like it? - No, I don't like it.
Pick a letter! A vowel, please.
E Oh, a consonant, please.
N Avowel.
I OK, so for the Countdown Relaxation Round, your time starts now.
- Oh, God.
- Jesus.
What are you doing now? What? No, that is not going on my head.
Argh! Don't! Shit! .
.
In and out.
In and out.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax Argh! - Joe.
- I think I got a nine.
Four.
I think I might know the four.
CUL - Sean, how many? - Four.
Four.
Which four did you get? - CULT.
- CULT.
Jon, how many? Five.
- ALIEN.
- ALIEN.
- Yeah.
- OK.
And, Kiri? Five, but I don't think it's a word.
Well, who cares, you're relaxed.
LATEN.
L-A-T-E-N.
Susie, is that a word? - Erm, no.
- I'm so relaxed, I don't care.
It's so lovely when it stops.
Joe, you took that very, very badly.
Oh, I can't I'm still not over Oi! - OK.
5 points to Jon.
- 5 points to Jon.
What did we get? - And thank you to the Countdown masseuses.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- That was lovely.
I've just seen myself.
I'll be honest with you, I look a little bit dishevelled.
Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better? There's a few sixes, so, yes.
Yeah.
I know, I know there's more words, I was just laughing at Joe so hard, I couldn't, I'm sorry, I couldn't concentrate.
- I like it when you're a bit more cavalier about this.
- OK.
"Yeah, fine.
Yeah, they could have done better but we don't know.
" So, at the end of that, Sean and Joe are in the lead with 18 points.
Are we? Time now to go across one last time to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us, The Brett Domino Trio? Well, I've recently started seeing somebody.
Er, I'd like to sing to her, if that's all right.
Other people enjoy it as well, but, erm, predominately it's for her.
# For five weeks now we've been together # And we've shared so many wonderful things # So many different places So many nights out # Don't take this the wrong way But it's draining my account # Well, Luther Vandross said the best things in life are free # So why don't you come back to mine this afternoon # And we'll just watch Come Dine With Me repeats # I want to buy you roses # I want to get you champagne by the glass # But writing these love songs doesn't generate much cash # So until it does How about we just do lunch? # I'm going to take us to a Meal Deal, girl # You can choose any sandwich you like # As long as it's in the Meal Deal, girl # For just £3.
29 # We can get some Nik Naks Maybe a flapjack # But it's one or the other Cos they both qualify as a snack # You can pick your favourite liquid refreshment # As long as it comes from the designated section # Going to treat you so nice this lunchtime # Going to treat us to a Meal Deal, girl # Going to have such a great lunchtime # With a Meal Deal, girl # Choose anything your heart desires # So just a New York Deli or an egg mayonnaise # Or an avocado crayfish or a little sushi tray # If this song becomes a hit and I make a decent wage # Then maybe we can come back and choose something # From the premium range # Going to treat you so fine With a Meal Deal.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thanks.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are EAR PLOPS.
The clue is - this happened to my anus.
That's EAR PLOPS - this happened to my anus.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were EAR PLOPS, the clue was THIS HAPPENS TO MY ANUS.
It was, of course, PROLAPSE.
AUDIENCE CHUCKLES OK, time for our final Letters Game.
Sean, Joe, your turn to choose.
Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? Can I have a vowel, please? Can I have a consonant? Oh, I'll have a vowel.
Urgh.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I'll have a consonant, please.
A vowel.
- I.
- Consonant.
Consonant.
And a consonant.
And the last one, R.
OK, and your time starts .
.
now.
JIMMY TURNS ON CEMENT MIXER LAUGHTER CEMENT MIXER STOPS WORKING Sh AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE APPLAUDS IN MUFFLED VOICE: Obviously, kids, if you're watching this, don't try this at home.
- Sean, how many? - Five.
- Joe, how many? - Five.
- Jon, how many? - Six.
- Kiri? - Five.
All right, Kiri, what's your five? STRAP Sean, your five? SPRAY Oh, all right.
Joe, your five? SOYAS All right, Jon, your six? PATIOS - Patios.
- Great one.
Oh, it's gonethat's gone in my hair.
I've got it in my hair, haven't I? AUDIENCE APPLAUDS OK, well, six points to Jon and Kiri.
Susie, Brett Domino Trio, could they have done any better? ARMPITS was one for seven.
OK, so, Jon and Kiri have 17, Sean and Joe have 18.
It's a Crucial Countdown Conundrum.
- Where does it come up? - There, up there.
That'sthat's too low.
- It's the first time you've ever asked.
- Yep.
OK, so, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Time starts .
.
now.
BUZZER AND BELL - Jon, that was you buzzing in.
- For me.
- It was, yeah.
- Yeah, go on.
- Happiness? - Happiness.
- Oh, CRAP-anory.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Let's have a look.
AUDIENCE CHEERS So, the final scores are - Sean and Joe are on 18, but the winner's tonight are Jon and Kiri with 27.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Glockenspiel.
AUDIENCE GOES SILEN Take it away.
HE FLUFFS THE COUNTDOWN TUNE AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS Thanks to all our panellists and our wonderful studio audience, and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
Please be aware tonight's show may contain flashing images.
Well, I say "flashing images" - Joe Wilkinson is here, and he likes to get his wang out.
LAUGHTER OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock, he's got a head for figures and a forehead for wrinkles.
LAUGHTER And joining Sean tonight, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Joe has a very distinctive look, and that look is accountant for the IRA.
LAUGHTER Up against them this evening is Team Captain Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Comedian, presenter, writer, husband and father, you'd think he'd be good at least one of them.
LAUGHTER And Jon's team-mate this evening, Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But, Kiri, if you're with us tonight, who's turning 101 Dalmatians into a coat? LAUGHTER - Sean - Yes, Jimmy? .
.
apart from comedy, are there any other of your achievements we might not be aware of? Erm, I am Britain's most capped male netball player of all time.
LAUGHTER I've been playing for 26 years.
You know, it's incredible, actually, yeah, I still fit into the same skirt.
LAUGHTER But we do tend to keep very quiet about it, it's not something you brag about, male netball, you keep it quiet.
We know, we have our own way of recognising it, so it's like the Freemasons, we've got our own signal.
How do you tell? Like this, you go like that LAUGHTER .
.
and if they go, "Oh, right", then you talk about it.
But otherwise I keep that fairly quiet.
LAUGHTER Er, Kiri, your first time on the show.
Do you think you're going to be better at the letters or the numbers? I think I'm going to be really bad at both of them, erm Well, you're on the right show.
Yeah, but I mean properly, I've got Attention Deficit Disorder, so I'm hoping you're going to give me extra time, cos I've probably got it as well, I haven't just got divorced parents.
Erm LAUGHTER .
.
and I was diagnosed, like, really late in life.
I was diagnosed with it when I was, like, 23.
I was in university, and the only real cure for it was a free laptop.
LAUGHTER So .
.
I struggled on like a brave soldier.
LAUGHTER Joe, is there anything you'd change about yourself? No.
LAUGHTER I'm very happy with my face and body at the moment, I've peaked, erm LAUGHTER There's probably only one thing I'd do, which is very common for men, but I actually have one testicle that's larger than the others.
LAUGHTER It's the one on the far left.
LAUGHTER So, I'd have that shrunk down by about 8 inches, and, erm, but the other four, I'd just leave in the, the diamond formation that they're in.
LAUGHTER - OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? - Yes, Jimmy.
I was doing the recycling the other week, and, erm - Oh, Christ.
- .
.
screaming, as I usually am, and I suddenly shouted, "I'm sick and tired of having to shout, "for Christ's sake, rinse the milk bottles out" LAUGHTER .
.
and it suddenly struck me that that was a rap.
LAUGHTER And so, I thought I'll get myself a rap album.
So, it's time I released my rap album.
I wanted to call myself a certain name, and I found out it was already taken, er, by a young lady called Cardi B.
LAUGHTER Its barely even a cardigan, what she's got on there.
So, I thought, I'll have a little think, come up with a suitable name.
No-one's taken Cardi G.
LAUGHTER Get Bleach or Die Tryin'? What LAUGHTER - Too right mate, too right.
- What does the G stand for? .
.
gan.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE This is all merch, as well, I realised you've got to monetise, haven't you, you've got to monetise these things, so, these are all things you can buy.
The chain, if I wear it, there we go.
I'll wear the chain like that, and it's got a little padlock, er, so you can use it to tie your Brompton up.
LAUGHTER And er, the cap, that's got, it's got my slogan on it.
Respect Motherfigures.
LAUGHTER So, that's available to buy, erm, in my lock-up.
And, er, it's just, er, some tracks influenced by my life.
Er, "Straight Out Of Clingfilm".
LAUGHTER It's about my upbringing there.
"Duster's Paradise".
That's quite a jaunty number, that one.
"Fight The Shower".
Er .
.
"Empire State of this Kitchen".
LAUGHTER And, er, "I've Got 99 Problems "But A Scuff Mark On The Parquet Flooring Isn't One, "Cos I Mixed A Small Amount Of Baking Soda Into A Paste "And Used A Soft Cloth In A Circular Motion "To Gently Rub Out The Stain Until Its Disappeared "But Please Take Your Fucking Trainers Off".
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Cardi G, everyone.
APPLAUSE OK, erm, Kiri, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
- What have you got? Well, I love animals, so I've brought some friends to keep me company and wish me good luck.
So, this is a hobby that I started before I went vegan.
Erm, so, this LAUGHTER .
.
this is the first one I ever bought.
This is Terry Beefsheen, and he was £15 from Halifax, and someone who knows about birds told me he's a hermaphrodite.
So, that's the first one.
LAUGHTER You're a vegan with taxidermy? Yeah.
It's quite hard, actually, cos I can't really get any more, cos I've got to try and find it ethically, and the only one I want is a peacock and I don't know how that dies of a natural cause.
Erm, just being too fabulous, I guess.
Erm, but this one, I like this one, cos it's like Fantastic Mr Fox, but it's screaming.
LAUGHTER Erm, I got this one, er, someone just handed me this in an Asda bag on my birthday party, erm, so that's there.
Oh, and this one, this is a LAUGHTER Oh.
How long did you have it before you did your hair? LAUGHTER I like them all around me, cos it sort of feels like Animals Of Farthing Wood.
It's like Animals Of Chernobyl.
LAUGHTER You can, if you want, you can put your finger through the the hole in his neck.
Oh! It's like a Chinese finger trap.
LAUGHTER There's something wet in there and I don't know what it is.
I don't suppose that one's for sale, is it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Joe, have you got a mascot? I've done this show a lot, and there's talk of me not being any good at it, cos I'm as thick as pig shit.
LAUGHTER But I don't believe it's that.
I believe I'm not that great at it cos I can't write that quick.
So, to help me write a bit quicker, I've bought myself a bionic arm.
A what, sorry? A bionic arm.
- Wow.
- It's all right, innit? That's amazing.
You know these are not cheap, cos you can spend up, anything up to about 300 quid for a bionic arm.
So I found this one a bit cheaper on eBay.
Erm, it's a bit cheaper, because it's made by Birdseye LAUGHTER .
.
the frozen food company.
So, this is the one I bought.
It's all right, but some of the features I don't think are up to that much, like, here, you can get ones with, er, like a machine gun there.
But this one's just got a couple of potato waffles inside LAUGHTER .
.
and it's not as good.
This here, you could get one with a laser, and again, it's just got a potato waffle, but it's on a chain.
LAUGHTER It's got a rocket launcher, here, which is, I'll be honest with you, it's a bit shit, cos it just fires a potato waffle about LAUGHTER .
.
about a foot and a half.
Erm, oh, guess what I keep in my glove pouch? - Is it a potato waffle? - No, it's a Findus crispy pancake.
LAUGHTER - Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, Jimmy I do.
I was, as is my wont, rummaging around in my loft the other day, and lo and I don't normally talk like this.
LAUGHTER .
.
lo and behold, what did I encounter? I found this old box of love letters, Jimmy, and I realised, I was reading them, I'd forgotten just what a romantic devil I used to be back in my youth.
And I know, you know, these early, you know, first loves, these are the letters I found.
But this one, this one is, erm, er, "Florence, my dear, "have those blokes at the abattoir accepted you yet? LAUGHTER "I reckon you can kill as well as any man.
"You've certainly put a bolt through my heart.
LAUGHTER "I never thought I'd miss Woking, "and I don't.
LAUGHTER "But I miss you, and the Red Lion.
"Got to go, my love, foreman is banging on the Portaloo door.
LAUGHTER "Seany Bear.
" LAUGHTER That's the sort of, like, romantic little - That's very sweet.
- Another one here.
"My dearest Florence, I'm guessing you're busy at the abattoir, "what with Christmas LAUGHTER .
.
and that's why you haven't replied.
"Have you heard of Pot Noodles? LAUGHTER "They're great.
"Kettle broke on site, but they're even nice cold.
LAUGHTER "Nearly saved up enough for my tattoo.
"How do you spell your full name? LAUGHTER "Got to go my dear, my home-brew has gone straight through me.
LAUGHTER "See you at the weekend, guts depending.
" LAUGHTER It's like 50 Shades of Grey.
And so, yeah, things were going very smooth until I got this hammer blow.
- Wow.
- "Dear Sean, I am writing this at work.
"Sorry about the blood.
LAUGHTER "I had a spurter this morning.
LAUGHTER "I won't be able to make Jaws 3 on Sunday.
"Geoff's back from the rigs, and he's loaded.
"Keep out of the Red Lion for a bit, Sean, "Geoff's got a fucking temper on him.
LAUGHTER "Florence.
" That was the end of that.
LAUGHTER And this is how I dealt with the heartbreak.
"Dear Florence, you've not replied to my last 15 letters.
"I called at the abattoir the other day, "but they said you'd be ages, because you'd got 150 lambs to do.
LAUGHTER This is really painful.
"I could hear your laughter over the bleating.
LAUGHTER Ah, ha-ha! "I'm heartbroken, of course, "but I am now seeing Elizabeth from Neptune's Sea Bar.
I think she's got a coil fitted, so I won't need those condoms back.
LAUGHTER "Adieu, Florence.
"PS - what was our song? I've forgotten.
" LAUGHTER And I wrote that to hurt her.
But that's the sort of romantic fool I used to be.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The romantic Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's the Brett Domino Trio.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, they might be awkward, nerdy dweebs, but there's one thing no-one can take away from them, their virginity.
LAUGHTER It says here you're Yorkshire's premier two-piece keyboard group.
Do you have any advice to fellow keyboard players? Erm, just, you know, just reach for the stars, er, climb every mountain LAUGHTER .
.
follow your heart's desire, and er, you know, when that rainbow's shining over you, that's sort of when your dreams will all come true.
LAUGHTER And with the Brett Domino Trio, of course, Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie used to present the Drivetime Show on BBC Radio Oxford, but they had to move her to nights, after listeners kept falling asleep at the wheel.
LAUGHTER OK, erm, are there any names you particularly like? Er, well Jimmy's a good one.
Jimmy's in the dictionary, it's got a really long entry, so to speak.
LAUGHTER Get a room! Get a room, you two! We're not getting a room.
Erm, but a jimmy can also mean a burglar's crowbar, and, genuinely, it also is a verb, it's a bit like jemmy, it can mean to squeeze something in, to jimmy something in.
Sometimes I do have to thumb it in, yeah, OK.
LAUGHTER And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WOLF WHISTLES Rachel says people have a weird screwed up maths face when they try and do maths in front of her.
Sorry to break it to you, Rachel, but they're not doing maths, and that is not their maths face.
LAUGHTER - Nice.
- You're having a baby.
How did this happen? AWKWARD LAUGHTER You know, you know those videos you always get told off for watching at work? Yeah, the educational The way most people do it, sometimes you can pregnant from that.
Yeah, well, I don't know if you've seen the videos I watch - No, no - .
.
but you can't get pregnant like that.
LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Glockenspiel.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HE PLAYS THE END OF THE COUNTDOWN THEME APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Er, Jon, Kiri, you get the first pick of the letters.
Can, er, please may I have two vowels? Thank you, Kiri.
U And A.
You're going to have to help with the rest of it, though.
Er, all right then.
A consonant, please.
G Consonant.
S Consonant.
Vowel, please.
E Consonant.
N And a consonant.
R And a You pick the last one.
A vowel.
- And the last one, O.
- Thank you.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Come on.
What you doing? Yeah? BELL RINGS LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE CHEERING Stay, stay still or it's going to slip out.
I genuinely, I can't tell where you end and I begin.
LAUGHTER Kiri, how many? Er, four.
She only got four.
Nothing I can do here, mate.
LAUGHTER Jon, how, how many? I'll try an eight.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
- Joe? - I'm going to try a four.
LAUGHTER Er, OK, Kiri, what's yours? Er, SAGE.
- SAGE? - That's lovely.
- Joe, what did you get? - STEN.
STEN? S-T-N, STEN.
- Oh, STEN? - STEN.
- No.
- Or RAGU.
LAUGHTER I'm going to go with RAGU.
I'm going to go with RAGU.
LAUGHTER Sean, what's your six? GROANS Jon, your eight? Well, not a lot of people know how cheese is made, but all cheese comes in little tiny strips, and then somebody UNGRATES it LAUGHTER .
.
back into a block.
UNGRATES - Susie? - I can, I think I can safely say that it's not in.
Well, how the fuck is cheese made then, Susie? LAUGHTER OK, I've got to go, I'm going to tap out.
Oh, ah, thank you.
APPLAUSE Rather nice.
APPLAUSE Nice.
Realise you've been living a lie, Jimmy? LAUGHTER - Er, six points to Sean.
- Yes.
APPLAUSE Er, could they have done any better? Er, yeah, there was a solid eight in there.
Er, OUTRAGES.
Erm, I think you can put the N in, and have OUTRANGES as well, er - OUTRANGES? - Yeah, you can, OUTRANGES.
That's even longer.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
Er, Sean, Joe, you pick the numbers.
Could I definitely have the hundred? Otherwise I'm out.
LAUGHTER Oh, I can definitely go for one from the top.
- This one? - Yep, yeah, yeah, and then little ones, please.
Five little 'uns.
And make it around about 200.
LAUGHTER We've got 8, 3, 5, 4, 7 and 50.
- So that's - Oh, that is a pile of shit.
.
.
almost 100, and the target, 927.
Oh, come on! LAUGHTER OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 927.
Joe, did you get it? What is, can I ask quickly, what 18 X 50 is? LAUGHTER 900? I got 900.
LAUGHTER Er, Sean, did you get it? I got, er, sorry, 920.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? No, I didn't.
OK, so what did you get? Er, well 920, but, frankly, I couldn't be fucking bothered to say it.
LAUGHTER Kiri, did you get it? - No.
- OK.
Well, how did, how did you do it? You did it with the 3 + 7 - + 8 = 18 - Yep.
- .
.
X 50.
- 900.
- Then 4 X 5 = 20.
- Yep.
- Why didn't I think of that? - Seven away.
- OK, five points to Sean.
APPLAUSE And, Jon, can I confirm, you don't want to have the points for this? No, I didn't declare anything.
- You didn't declare anything? - I didn't think Too ashamed, you don't need our charity? It's all to do with sort of what coin you'll walk past.
I viewed that as a tuppence, on the floor, near a bit of bird shit.
LAUGHTER Frankly, I'll wait and see if there's a fiver wedged behind a wheelie bin.
LAUGHTER Tuppence is what I was brought up to call my fanny.
LAUGHTER - Tuppence? - Yeah.
- Its different in Anglesey, isn't it? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER You named it after how much it is a go.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Rachel, could it be done? If you say 8 X 7 = 56 - OK - - 3 = 53 + 50 = 103 and then 4 + 5 = 9 and times them together, 927.
APPLAUSE And, er, here is your teaser.
The words are NICE RODS.
The clue is - I'll think about it.
That's NICE RODS - I'll think about it.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NICE RODS, the clue was, I'll think about it.
It was, of course, CONSIDER.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Joe and Kiri.
Yes! OK.
So, Joe, your turn to choose.
Choose some some letters.
OK, could I have a vowel, please? Thanks, Joe.
I Oh, I meant consonant.
Er, it's all right.
S Can I swap it? Could I? Oh, we're going.
Um, can I have a consonant? Z And I'll have, er, a vowel, please.
E Oh, got a word! Have you got it? - What? - Nothing.
Er, could I have a consonant, please? P And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
S Got a 5! And a vowel.
O And a consonant, please.
And the last one - H OK, and your time starts now.
APPLAUSE Sort of cute, isn't it? Oh, it makes a little noise at the back.
- RECORDING OF JIMMY'S LAUGH - KIRI: Aww! It's good, isn't it? I made one for Joe.
Here you go, Joe.
Look at that.
Oh, I like that.
It's a weird kid's toy that looks like it's going to touch the kid.
So, let's give that to, er to Joe.
Now this is quite special, this took me a while.
Oh, a little drag queen bear.
- I love it! Thank you so much.
- Yeah, it's cute, isn't it? This is really my pride and joy.
APPLAUSE A lovely A lovely little Oh! Oh! What happens if I press the button? SEAN: I hate playing Countdown.
- He's a grumpy bear, isn't he? - Yeah.
There you go.
Let's give that to, er to Sean.
Of course, I haven't forgotten you.
Is it going to be a little teeny tiny one? Still funny.
I'll give that to my child and scar her for life.
Joe, what have you got? How many? - Five.
- Kiri, how many? - Six! - Er, Joe, what's your five? SIZES.
SIZES.
OK.
And Kiri? All blanks and SIZES - SHAPES - Well done.
- Oh, that's incredible, you deserve the point there.
- That's incredible, innit? - That is incredible.
- Oh, I'm so happy! - SHAPES and SIZES, SHAPES and SIZES! Points to Kiri.
The Brett Domino Trio, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, there's a seven there.
It's APHESIS.
And it means the loss of a vowel from the beginning of a word.
So, esquire, becomes squire, alone becomes lone.
You'd assume that would just be the word "phesis", wouldn't you? - Exactly.
- Got to throw in a gag every now and again for the real Countdown viewers, and thanks for sticking with us.
You've been sat through all those fanny jokes, didn't ya, and you've just.
A little wordplay banter there.
Is your mum in the audience? HE LAUGHS - Yes, my, my mother is here this evening, Jimmy.
- Is she? - Yes.
Where's Jon's mum? There's my mum.
That's my sister.
APPLAUSE Is there an empty chair next to you there? TEARFULLY: Dad didn't get the e-mail.
That's fine.
- Be nice if she saw you win, I think.
- It would be, wouldn't it? Probably the fanny jokes is what we'll talk about mostly after the show.
It's her fault for telling me that it was all right to drop out of University.
This is what happens, you see.
I could be a translator now, couldn't I? I could be inviting you out to Barcelona.
But never mind, here we are.
Spunky, spunky, on with the game.
Right, time now for Sean and Jon to go head-to-head.
Jon, your turn to pick the numbers and remember - Mummy's here.
Thank you, Daddy.
- Can I have one big and five small please? - We've got 3, 8, 9, 6, - 7 and 75.
- Boo! - The worst one, it's definitely the worst one.
- And the target - OK, your time starts now.
Best feeling of my life! Actually looks more like you now.
Sean, did you get it? No.
I got 989.
Argh, so close.
- Er, Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
Sorry, guys.
Hate to be the loser at the party but someone's got to drive.
How'd you get it, Jon? I haven't got it, I just was enjoying myself.
Sean.
Sean, for the win, then? QUIETLY: 7 + 6 7 + 6 = 13 This is how people who are good at maths talk.
7 + 6 = 13 x 75 Is this an impression of me? Sort of.
So you You don't realise this is how you ,sound Rachel.
I never realised.
You're right.
- What does that come to? 975? - Mm-hm.
So, then you add 9 and 8 together, don't you? - Why? - You get You get 17.
Why would you do that? Why If you had these three numbers, why would you add these two? Why not? Yeah, why not? Because you're trying to get that number.
I don't know, but I've done it.
I mean, the 9 and the 3 together.
But I didn't, I did 9 + 8 - 3.
Oh, my God.
What's that, Rachel? Well, it's more than you wanted.
No, it isn't.
I wanted 989.
- You've got 989.
Well done, two away.
- Thank you.
Could it be done, though? You could have just gone 9 + 3 = 12 - And added it.
- Yeah.
- And then you'd have got 987.
7 points to Sean.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
The Brett Domino Trio, what have you got for us? Er, well I went to the dentist the other day, Jimmy, I don't like to boast.
Um, they had both of these magazines on the table.
Trout Fisherman and Trout & Salmon Magazine.
Um And, long story short, I've written a love song, using exclusively headlines and articles from those two fishing magazines.
So I'd like to play that now, if that's all right? I guess, unless we have another option? Lovely stuff.
Er, let's get set up.
Um It's called Dry Fly Dreams.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS # Well, I'm a fisherman # Just trying to keep warm while wading out all alone # Under the midnight sun # Well, it's a pleasant time of day # But I'm asking myself, has the magic gone? # Is it worth hanging around? # Is that magnetic attraction just a memory now? # I miss your sexy eyes and your cheeky cheeks # Shucks, it was like a fairy tale like Beauty and the Beast # Well, I may be small but perfectly formed # Let's just do it, baby What you waiting for? # You're like the bread to my pickles and cheese, # And ooh-ooh-ooh I'd like the ploughman's please # You're in my dry fly dreams # We're I'm fishing, my mind just starts back drifting # Wishing you were here # Well, I'm not very superstitious # But I feel the force between us # Now the water's clear # I know there's lakes aplenty # But we are history in the making # Say you'll stay with me # In my dry fly dreams.
# Dry fly dreams # Well, I'm balanced, mashed and ready to go, # I've got some dates for my diary and I want to know # If we use fish as a metaphor for our love, just hear me out # Tell me, baby, how heavy is your trout? # Going back, I never want a stream but # Well, I could be your ultraviolet secret, # What's the catch? # The best just got better It's the dry fly dreams.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The Brett Domino Trio, everyone.
Got a fizzy tuppence after that.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Jon and Kiri are on 6, - Sean and Joe are on 18.
- Yes! APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are RARE SHIT.
The clue is - tackier than normal.
That's RARE SHIT, tackier than normal.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were RARE SHIT, the clue was - tackier than normal.
It was, of course, TRASHIER.
OK, so playing Countdown can be pretty tense.
So, let's help the players chill out with a Countdown Relaxation Round.
Oooh! Jon, what would you find most relaxing? Well, you would have to not be here.
What I don't like is this that's happening now, the sort of premise that it's going to be a relaxation round and then something's going to explode and I'm going to shit my pants.
It's not going to be an explode, it's going to be fully, fully relaxing.
Nothing's going to go bang or pop, it's just going to be relaxing.
OK, bring on the Countdown masseuses.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
- Holy crap.
- Ooh! - I'm sorry? - Oh, lovely.
Fucking hell! Look at the size of mine! Fuck! Oh! Fuck! He's got grip like a gorilla! - Fucking - Christ almighty! This isn't Joe's looks like The Hound from Game Of Thrones.
Oh, that's is really good.
Just a head massage.
Head massage a little bit more.
Maybe just Yeah.
Not head! Not my head.
Don't crush my head.
Oh, that's all right.
- Yeah, just that, just that, just go with that.
- I'm so scared! - Oh, that's lovely, I'm very happy with mine, Jimmy, very happy, yeah.
- Nice? This is lovely.
She's working out some knots.
Arghh! That's a bone! You can't work bone out! - What's wrong with Joe? - I can hear him laughing! - Is Joe crying? - How can you not like this? - I hate this so much! Oh! I don't like being touched .
.
it turns out.
And we'll allow feet on the table for this round as well, if you want to properly relax.
Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
- Jon, pick your letters.
- Oh! - Argh! Consonant, please.
Argh! Joe is sweating so hard.
A vowel, please? Joe's crying.
SEAN SIGHS - I don't like it.
- I like it.
U Consonant, please.
OK, consonant.
L It's quite hard, innit? A consonant, please.
Can we get a fucking move on? A vowel, please.
A Can we go back to head Can we go back to head massage for Joe? No! Ooh, are we playing? Consonant.
There's a lot of tension in that beard.
L - Do you not like it? - No, I don't like it.
Pick a letter! A vowel, please.
E Oh, a consonant, please.
N Avowel.
I OK, so for the Countdown Relaxation Round, your time starts now.
- Oh, God.
- Jesus.
What are you doing now? What? No, that is not going on my head.
Argh! Don't! Shit! .
.
In and out.
In and out.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax Argh! - Joe.
- I think I got a nine.
Four.
I think I might know the four.
CUL - Sean, how many? - Four.
Four.
Which four did you get? - CULT.
- CULT.
Jon, how many? Five.
- ALIEN.
- ALIEN.
- Yeah.
- OK.
And, Kiri? Five, but I don't think it's a word.
Well, who cares, you're relaxed.
LATEN.
L-A-T-E-N.
Susie, is that a word? - Erm, no.
- I'm so relaxed, I don't care.
It's so lovely when it stops.
Joe, you took that very, very badly.
Oh, I can't I'm still not over Oi! - OK.
5 points to Jon.
- 5 points to Jon.
What did we get? - And thank you to the Countdown masseuses.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- That was lovely.
I've just seen myself.
I'll be honest with you, I look a little bit dishevelled.
Dictionary Corner, could they have done any better? There's a few sixes, so, yes.
Yeah.
I know, I know there's more words, I was just laughing at Joe so hard, I couldn't, I'm sorry, I couldn't concentrate.
- I like it when you're a bit more cavalier about this.
- OK.
"Yeah, fine.
Yeah, they could have done better but we don't know.
" So, at the end of that, Sean and Joe are in the lead with 18 points.
Are we? Time now to go across one last time to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us, The Brett Domino Trio? Well, I've recently started seeing somebody.
Er, I'd like to sing to her, if that's all right.
Other people enjoy it as well, but, erm, predominately it's for her.
# For five weeks now we've been together # And we've shared so many wonderful things # So many different places So many nights out # Don't take this the wrong way But it's draining my account # Well, Luther Vandross said the best things in life are free # So why don't you come back to mine this afternoon # And we'll just watch Come Dine With Me repeats # I want to buy you roses # I want to get you champagne by the glass # But writing these love songs doesn't generate much cash # So until it does How about we just do lunch? # I'm going to take us to a Meal Deal, girl # You can choose any sandwich you like # As long as it's in the Meal Deal, girl # For just £3.
29 # We can get some Nik Naks Maybe a flapjack # But it's one or the other Cos they both qualify as a snack # You can pick your favourite liquid refreshment # As long as it comes from the designated section # Going to treat you so nice this lunchtime # Going to treat us to a Meal Deal, girl # Going to have such a great lunchtime # With a Meal Deal, girl # Choose anything your heart desires # So just a New York Deli or an egg mayonnaise # Or an avocado crayfish or a little sushi tray # If this song becomes a hit and I make a decent wage # Then maybe we can come back and choose something # From the premium range # Going to treat you so fine With a Meal Deal.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thanks.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are EAR PLOPS.
The clue is - this happened to my anus.
That's EAR PLOPS - this happened to my anus.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were EAR PLOPS, the clue was THIS HAPPENS TO MY ANUS.
It was, of course, PROLAPSE.
AUDIENCE CHUCKLES OK, time for our final Letters Game.
Sean, Joe, your turn to choose.
Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? Can I have a vowel, please? Can I have a consonant? Oh, I'll have a vowel.
Urgh.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I'll have a consonant, please.
A vowel.
- I.
- Consonant.
Consonant.
And a consonant.
And the last one, R.
OK, and your time starts .
.
now.
JIMMY TURNS ON CEMENT MIXER LAUGHTER CEMENT MIXER STOPS WORKING Sh AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE APPLAUDS IN MUFFLED VOICE: Obviously, kids, if you're watching this, don't try this at home.
- Sean, how many? - Five.
- Joe, how many? - Five.
- Jon, how many? - Six.
- Kiri? - Five.
All right, Kiri, what's your five? STRAP Sean, your five? SPRAY Oh, all right.
Joe, your five? SOYAS All right, Jon, your six? PATIOS - Patios.
- Great one.
Oh, it's gonethat's gone in my hair.
I've got it in my hair, haven't I? AUDIENCE APPLAUDS OK, well, six points to Jon and Kiri.
Susie, Brett Domino Trio, could they have done any better? ARMPITS was one for seven.
OK, so, Jon and Kiri have 17, Sean and Joe have 18.
It's a Crucial Countdown Conundrum.
- Where does it come up? - There, up there.
That'sthat's too low.
- It's the first time you've ever asked.
- Yep.
OK, so, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Time starts .
.
now.
BUZZER AND BELL - Jon, that was you buzzing in.
- For me.
- It was, yeah.
- Yeah, go on.
- Happiness? - Happiness.
- Oh, CRAP-anory.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Let's have a look.
AUDIENCE CHEERS So, the final scores are - Sean and Joe are on 18, but the winner's tonight are Jon and Kiri with 27.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Glockenspiel.
AUDIENCE GOES SILEN Take it away.
HE FLUFFS THE COUNTDOWN TUNE AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS Thanks to all our panellists and our wonderful studio audience, and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.