American Dad s19e02 Episode Script

1
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- And everyone was killed?
- All but three.
And their alibi is very, very dumb.
- They're in love.
- Hey. Don't do that.
I don't think that guy even works here.
Ugh. It happens all the time.
Weirdos show up and try to make
corpses touch and kiss and stuff.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I get it.
-
- [WIND HOWLING]
[MAN] That's not enough mustard.
- Give me the bathroom key.
- More olives.
You smell like mayonnaise.
- You suck.
- Give me the bathroom key.
- Make me a new one.
- You don't have eggs Benedict?
You're nothing.
- You're nothing.
- You're nothing.
- [SIGHS]
- [SAUCE BOTTLE SQUIRTING]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[ROGER] Ah!
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
Phew.
- Another rough one at Sub Hub.
- Pretty rough one here too.
Emily's dad's sick.
She might have to leave Paris.
God, I wish I was rich so you wouldn't
have to work for the both of us.
I would spoil you.
Ah, nothing
a little shower cry can't fix.
You know, one of my personas has a
suite at the amazing Brown Lotus resort
up in Langleytano that
she's not gonna use.
It's non-refundable. You guys
could use it for a little staycay.
- All expenses paid.
- All expenses paid?
- We can pretend I paid for it.
- Maybe I could use a good spoiling.
[BOTH] Yes!
- Let's go to the fancy hotel.
- [BOTH] Yes, yes, yes!
I know this is your guys' thing,
but I can still be excited.
Bad news.
The Antarctica snafu isn't flying
under the radar like we'd hoped.
In fact, it's very much on Congress'
radar and they have cut our funding.
[ALL GASP]
We've lost our jets, foreign agents,
and if we're not careful, omelette bar.
[GASPS]
Someone's in the
kitchen with Dinah ♪
Someone's in the kitchen, I know ♪
Someone's in the
kitchen with Dinah ♪
Strumming on the old banjo ♪
Can't lose him. He's the only omelette
chef we've had who could do that.
He's a generational talent.
But these are desperate times,
and that calls for desperate measures.
That's why we're going to do a rebrand.
The CIA is currently the least
favorable thing in the city.
We're even below all this stuff.
We're even below that guy
that walks around town
throwing eggs at people?
- Oh, man. I hate that guy.
- Yeah, this is bad.
We're even below him.
But we've found the most
beloved thing in the city is
Some of you should have guessed by now.
cakes.
Which gave me an idea.
What if the C in CIA
now stood for "Cakes"
and not whatever it used to stand for?
We're going to bake and sell cakes?
Yes. Great idea, Smith.
We could bake them ourselves.
That would save us tons of money.
We'll win the public's trust back yet.
For the CIA.
The Cake IA.
Wow. Langleytano is so beautiful.
[JEFF] I've never seen this
part of Langley before.
I didn't even know it existed.
Well, Langley has some of the most
diverse biomes anywhere in the world.
From our dazzling crystal-filled
caves and dramatic limestone canyons
to our vast and foreboding tundras.
Oh, wow.
But what did what you said mean?
You deserve this, babe.
And here is the bellman with your
One bag? You two share a bag?
That's all her stuff.
She's the one being spoiled.
I'll be perusing the lost and found.
What's that?
[MANAGER] There is a
legend of a village boy
that wanted to run faster
than all the other boys.
So he stole the face of a wolf,
thinking it would help him run like one.
But being a wolf was unnatural
for the boy and made him go mad.
He howled and howled, before finally
throwing himself off the cliff.
They say the Mercurial Winds
of Langleytano are his howls,
and if you listen too closely,
they will make you go mad as well.
- [WIND HOWLING]
- [JEFF AND HAYLEY SHRIEK]
There they are,
the Mercurial Winds of Langleytano.
Very mercurial.
Cool story, man.
But I'm ready for you to leave.
Oh.
Okay. Let the pampering begin.
We can do anything you want.
You know what I want
inside me right now?
Starts with a D, ends with an "aiquiri."
[SLURPS, SIGHS]
This is way easier than sex.
[ROGER] Excuse me.
Can I get a little help?
I overbleached my tush
hole at the salon,
and need to tan it back to
the color I was aiming for.
If you could move my thong to the side?
I didn't say gently.
And hold my cheeks apart. Gently.
That's it.
Now look away. I don't want
anyone to see my hole this color.
Hey, buongiorno, bitches.
I thought you gave us your room.
What are you doing here, Roger?
Rocherro Ferrero is the name.
Super-rich pudding heiress.
Your room was actually the room
my assistant was supposed to use.
But now she's in this big old urn.
- She died?
- Yep. Worked herself to death.
I'm gonna spread her ashes on
the Sunday afternoon cruise.
Crazy she died just
days before our trip.
This was one of my favorite
places to make her work nonstop.
Hey, you lazy slugs.
Get us a round of loaded Bloodies
or everyone here is fired.
You know the way I like them.
Move! Move!
[SCOFFS] You don't have
to be such an asshole.
This is exactly what I have
to deal with at Sub Hub.
Oh, I'm not really a jerk.
I just do it to get good
service and extra stuff.
Most rich people are this way.
They're really good people.
You just have to get to know them.
And also be rich.
Yeah, but you don't have to
be rude to get good service.
[LAUGHS] Yes, you do.
Rude gets results.
That's why they both start with R.
Thank you, slugs.
I'd like to see you get
something as crazy cool
as these loaded Bloodies with kindness.
Okay. Excuse me.
Could I get spiked Orange Juliuses,
served in Erlenmeyer flasks,
with tofu meatballs
cascading from them, please?
You're doing great.
Yeah, sorry.
We don't have any of that stuff.
Oof. That was very embarrassing for you.
[SIGHS] This is how I get treated at work.
See? I knew this wasn't a good idea.
I'm sorry, babe. But
I need to get some sunscreen.
Yes, that's why.
He's cute as a button.
Where'd you find him?
In a ravine.
[SIGHS] Rudes get results.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- My wife asked for three Orange Julias
and she better fricking get them.
What's wrong with you?
Do you have no brain? Like a baby?
Fix this. I'm super rich.
I travel the world in a big balloon.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Damn. I don't think
I could do that again.
Got it.
Please enjoy your strange order,
as well as these
complimentary cheese dippers.
Wow, I guess kindness
really does work, babe.
And free cheese dippers?
You really had an effect on them.
- See?
- Something's weird here.
Nothing's weird. People respond
to positive reinforcements.
I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow, let's you and I
use all the resort's facilities together
- and we'll see who gets better service.
- In.
I thought we were just
gonna relax tomorrow.
You saw how well me being nice worked
getting those drinks, didn't you?
I think this might be just what I need
to restore my faith in humanity.
But what if Roger's right?
What if being mean does work better?
Then I don't know.
Maybe I'll just kill myself.
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
Are we waiting for Jeff?
He said he's gonna be in
the gift shop all day.
Weird time to start a magnet collection,
but it's his vacation too.
I'm gonna show you what it's
like to be truly pampered.
But you got to let the
staff know who's boss.
- It's all part of the game.
- Wrong.
I'm gonna show you how I can
get everything you can get,
and more, just by being nice.
[CHUCKLES] You don't get the game,
Hayley.
You don't get the game.
This is empty.
Let's roll.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, turds. We wanna get in the hot tub,
but instead of water,
we want it to be green tea. Now.
Could we actually get our
massages here in the hot tub
from masseuses in scuba gear, please?
No.
[INAUDIBLE]
Hey. We want to eat a
big meal right here.
All hot and fresh made
by local grandmas. Move, slugs.
Excuse me. This meal is so good.
But I was wondering, pretty please,
could we eat this on a cliff
overlooking the ocean?
I'm sorry.
That's not something we're able to do.
Well done.
[SOBBING]
And now it's time for Grill Session,
where I grill a local businessperson
who totally deserves it.
With me tonight is deputy director
of the CIA, Avery Bullock.
Oh, the pleasure is mine, Greg.
Sir, under your watch, the CIA has
blown up three foreign embassies,
two post offices,
and the only Cinnabon in Antarctica.
People are angry.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Well, we've got great news
for all the haters.
The C in CIA now stands for Cakes.
Oh, I love cakes.
Are you selling cakes? What kind?
Would you mind if I answered
that in the form of a song?
I would not.
Big cakes, small cakes
Orange cakes too ♪
Call us today
There's a cake for you ♪
Cakes for you and cakes for me ♪
Cakes for two and
cakes for three ♪
Yay, that was so fun.
Okay, everyone go buy the CIA's cakes.
Have we cut?
How dare you upstage me
with that velvety voice?
I'm the singer. I'm the star.
Today was impressive, Hayley.
That cliffside lunch?
You've got me thinking maybe there is
a place for kindness in this world.
Are you ready to order?
I'll have the adult p'sghetti meatball.
No. Everybody's got to get the branzino.
Mainly because I love saying it.
- "Branzino."
- That's what I was thinking.
I'm sorry.
We only have one branzino left.
I'm sorry too, but if I don't get a
plate with branzino on it Branzino.
I will burn this place and all
of its occupants to the ground.
I'm so sorry about her.
You're such a good waiter.
Just bring her a big old
bowl of soup or something
and bring me the branzino.
You're doing really great.
And I like your teeth.
I guess we'll finally see for
sure whose style reigns supreme.
Oh, shoot. I forgot the sunscreen again.
Doesn't seem too bright in here.
I guess he is sitting
closest to the candle.
Stiles, gun it.
Yes, that's it, boys.
The rebrand is a smashing success.
We can drop a 10-tiered
chiffon cake into a warzone
from two continents away.
I think we can get a race car cake
to Chesterfield Park by Friday.
That's another.
Stop everything.
I got the big one on the phone.
- The TV show Ace of Cakes?
- Yeah.
They want us to be on an episode
where the challenge is
cooking 200 cakes to theme.
Uh, one question.
How are we gonna put sprinkles
on 200 cakes at once?
Somebody order a Sprinkle Blaster?
[SHRIEKS]
- Tell them we're in.
- [ALL] Yeah.
And can someone please take the
Sprinkle Blaster from Dr. Weitzman?
Someone who knows how to use it.
- Where's your sunscreen?
- Oh, I put it on in the hallway.
And then ate the bottle.
How does this guy not die all the time?
Adult p'sghetti meatball
for the gentleman.
And now the moment of truth.
A big old bowl of soup for you.
And the branzino.
Maybe kindness does have its perks.
Even if this branzino's a little dry.
This is not the way human nature works.
Something very fishy is going on here,
and it's not the branzino.
Which is a very mild fish.
[YELLING]
I forgot my assistant.
[YELLING]
I'm questioning everything.
Does kindness really work?
No.
Dead end? Where the hell am I? No.
[JEFF] Look at me when
I'm talking to you.
You're the worst waiter ever.
That's Jeff.
My wife says your
branzino's a little dry.
A little dry?
That wasn't part of the deal.
I knew it wasn't kindness.
Oh, they're going down.
[WIND HOWLING]
Damn. That's a crazy, angry wind.
Well, I guess
that branzino incident last night
settled everything pretty definitively.
The only thing left to do
is dump out my assistant.
Told you kindness works.
Not gonna lie. Feels pretty good.
Which got me thinking,
since it worked so well,
surely you could do it one more time.
- You know, to really rub my nose in it.
- What do you have in mind?
Get the captain to take
us to that island there.
I could get us there by being
a big jerk, no problem.
Done it a bunch of times.
Think you could do it with kindness?
I think I'd benefit from enjoying
the ride they have planned.
Don't worry, Jeff.
I got this. Oh, Captain.
Let me guess.
You want to touch the wheel?
Actually, I was wondering,
since you're such an amazing captain
- Me?
- could you take us to that island?
To What If The Winds Kick Up Island?
I'd love to.
But what if the winds kick up?
No way, little lady.
Well, just think about it.
Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it,
but I just realized I forgot
Your sunscreen again? I got you.
Hmm. Doesn't seem like the
boat's going toward the island.
Maybe the power of kindness has run out.
Oh, shoot. I gotta whiz really bad.
The bathrooms are
actually the other way.
But you don't have to whiz at all,
do you?
You went in the pool before we left,
didn't you?
I know everything you've been up to.
You're being a jerk to help Hayley.
Oh, no! I've been pushed.
Captain, you take this boat to that
island now or I'll have you fired.
[COUGHS]
I'm rich. I own a thousand monocles.
Your rich tactics don't work on me.
I only answer to the sea.
- [THUNDERCLAP]
- And the sea is telling me
it's time to get back to the harbor.
Go back? But I have to
spread my assistant's ashes.
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [WIND HOWLING]
I'm very rich and powerful, I tell you.
I have many Sea-Doos,
and a chocolate river,
and three ghosts that
visit me at Christmas.
I have all those things too.
Jeff, what are you doing?
I'm yelling at the Captain
to go to the island,
so your kindness can win.
Wait. What?
It's been Jeff the whole time.
That's why you got the branzino.
I've been yelling at everyone and
it's been eating me up inside.
I'm sorry, babe.
Kindness doesn't get you shit.
This time, I'm not asking nicely.
You're taking us to that island.
I'm taking us back.
[GROWLING]
The customer is always right.
You smell like mayonnaise.
We don't even sell eggs Benedict!
She works at Sub Hub.
And no. You can't get the
key to the [BLEEP] bathroom!
[HOWLING]
Give her room.
She's got the wind madness.
And the winner of the
200-cake challenge is
[DRUMROLL PLAYING]
the Cakes IA.
- [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALL CHEERING]
Yeah.
Agents, I have bad news.
The Obamas canceled their 40-person
pineapple upside-down cake?
Worse. Terrorists snuck into the Capitol
and stole all of Congress' cocaine.
They're rightly pissed
and want them caught.
So, we got our funding back.
But what about the cakes?
[SADLY] Back to strictly spy stuff.
- No!
- No!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Whoa, whoa. This is sensitive equipment.
Who knows what frosting will do?
- No!
- No!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
These are the Mercurial
Winds of Langleytano.
I'm sorry. We're going directly
into a storm to die because
a sub sandwich lady wants us to?
This isn't how the
system is meant to work.
If somebody's gonna put everyone's
life at risk for no good reason,
it should be a rich person.
[ALL] Hear, hear.
[ALL HOWLING]
Now they've got the wind madness.
Everyone but me. Why? Why, God?
It's all I ever wanted.
I know you're upset about
the whole it turning out
kindness can't get you crap deal,
but why are you still
trying to get to the island?
Because I wanna get what I want.
Just one time.
Even if it screws everybody.
Very cool answer.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
- They're gonna break the door down.
- Let them.
[HOWLING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]
- Whoa!
What am I doing?
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
This way.
Well, I guess this is it.
Better release the ashes now.
Marbles?
And a photo of my
assistant flipping me off?
She's not dead?
Well, she's definitely fired.
And I still need closure.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROANING]
It's a marble storm!
[GRUNTING]
[MARBLES CLATTERING]
Those are some pretty crazy winds.
[SLOWLY] Very mercurial.
I know it's weird,
but I feel more relaxed
than I have in a long time.
Like I got something out of my system.
This weekend was just what I needed.
Thanks, guys.
I'm ready for this vacation
to be over so I can relax.
And now, the only other issue
I just worry they're not gonna
believe us about the marbles.
It's not the best alibi.
In fact, it's not an alibi at all.
It's really just the murder weapon.
Bye! See you soon!