Celebrity Juice (2008) s19e02 Episode Script
Easter Special - Phillip Schofield, Courtney Act, Rylan Clark-Neal, Gino D'Acampo
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, what the fuck is going on? But don't worry, it's just an over elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on't telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurra-a-a-h! Hello and welcome to a special Easter Celebrity Juice Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, we have our very own 'Heaster' twat, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Thank you.
Heaster twat! (LAUGHS) And on my right, I have the queen of Big Brother, it's Courtney Act! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, you love 'Heaster', don't you? You love 'Heaster'.
I'm confused today because I've got two drag queens on my team AUDIENCE: Oh! .
.
and I don't know which one I'm fine with that.
Gino made a joke! Gino made a joke! I'll show you mine if you show me yours, Gino.
So there is a willy? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Explain it to him.
Well, when a man and woman love each other very much (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Let's meet our other team captain, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
I'll tell you what you give me, a resurrection.
(LAUGHTER) Oh.
Nice.
That's a joke.
Gino told me that joke.
I would like to know, what has Moses got to do with Easter? Moses? Well, he's in the Bible, isn't he? He's in the good book.
I mean, this is an adaptation, your own kind of version of.
Yeah, I'm Moses in the Anarchic years when he decided to become a punk.
And he just said, "I don't wanna part no sea no more, you get me?" (LAUGHTER) Fearne, I tell you what, I'd love to part you.
(LAUGHTER) No.
Never.
Ever, ever.
Just part and go, ha-ha-ha! I knew it! Introduce me, for fuck's sake! So I can speak! (LAUGHS) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Phillip! Phillip! Holly, who's on your team? Oh, I have a legend for you tonight.
We love him on this show, it's the one and only Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And talk.
God, I'm back.
Welcome.
Phillip, you like Easter cos you've come as an Easter character, you've come as the Milk Tray man.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know what, I can read you like a book.
What am I thinking? You're thinking (LAUGHS) Holly, who else is on your team? Well, on my right, I've got an empty chair.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) The reason for this, because you all know that normally when we do an Easter special, our very good friend Johnny Vegas dresses as an Easter Bunny cos he loves it.
Unfortunately, he's not here tonight.
I miss Johnny.
So let's meet our Easter Bunny replacement.
Bring them on.
Who is it? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Rylan! Rylan! It's Ryland, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Why is he really unhappy? You look adorable.
Johnny Vegas fucking rung me and was like, "I've got big job for you.
" I thought I was getting a lead in Benidorm, and I'm fucking sat here.
This is a piss take.
Courtney Act, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Courtney, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
We all know you here in the UK because you won Celebrity Big Brother.
(CHEERING) You were in the Big Brother house with Ann Widdecombe, weren't you? I was.
Ann Widdecombe actually looks a little bit like an older Holly.
Does she? Yeah, there she is, look.
Didn't you have a little accident as you walked in? As I walked in, I did have what is referred to as a wardrobe malfunction.
Yes.
Let's have a look.
There you are.
Showing the spadge.
That's what we in the industry refer to as a tuck.
(LAUGHS) What's it called? A tuck.
A tuck.
When you tape it down.
So pull it underneath Your testicles go up inside you into the - Hey, oi! Your testicles go up inside you? Yeah.
How? Well, there's a little cavity, that's where they come from when you're born.
Or when you're cold or scared or when you ejaculate, they go back up inside you.
Mine are always just dangling.
Can we just look at this face over here for a minute? Gino, what's your problem? Where is the cock? Where is it going? So you have a cock between your arse? Yeah, that's how gay I am.
(LAUGHTER) Guys at home right now just so confused about what's going on.
Cos they're all like that "She's fucking fit.
" Ah! And then they're like, "Oh, well!" Fearne, you know a bit about this because you've had a similar accident, haven't you? I think it was when you worked on radio.
Probably.
And your skirt blew up.
Did it? I think we've got a picture.
There you are.
Your skirt blew off.
This is the problem with mine, it's too long to tuck up.
It's a tail.
That picture, I said to them earlier, is that real? Because when I saw Fearne's dick, it were right tiny.
No, it's long.
You used to be a hermaphrodite, didn't you? Sure.
If that's the new story.
(LAUGHTER) Intersex is the politically correct term.
Intersex? Yeah.
I am fucking into sex, I am.
I am.
You're pansexual, you say you are, don't you? Yes.
That means that you're attracted to many genders.
I mean, mostly I'm attracted - How many is there? On Facebook, there's over 50.
They've got more genders than Baskin-Robbins has got ice cream.
I'm pansexual as well, cos I wank into casserole dishes.
Hey, he's the George Clooney of daytime TV, it's Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What's the biggest slip-up you've ever made on This Morning? ErmI think probably we've nearly sworn a couple of times.
Yeah.
I bet you've nearly pissed.
Many times.
You like a good giggle, don't you? Well, he makes me laugh sometimes and you see me drop out of shot cos I have to squat down in case I do wet myself.
The other thing he does all the time is try and make me jump, which is actually quite an easy thing to do.
Does he just put his finger in your arse? Yes (!) One of the biggest mistakes you've done, Phillip, is on here when you've been cheating.
You're such a cheat.
Have a look at this, it was a box game.
He's got a bright pink jumpsuit on.
"Look, no-one can see me.
Look, no-one can see me.
" You're a big, dirty cheat.
That's friendship.
That is helping a friend.
So what about when he's not helping a friend, and he's cheating in a game of Battlechips? He pushed Ore Oduba on the floor.
He tripped! Let's have a look, let's have a look.
He cheats.
Look at him, pushing him over.
Pushing him over.
Look, he's holding him, he's holding him.
He's a big, dirty cheat! Remember when we did the honey race and you had to pick up some sweet, sweet chicken using nothing but your mouth? Only your mouth.
Yeah.
Look at this.
I did cheat on that one.
Use your mouth to pick up the chicken and drop it into the honey.
Big, dirty cheat! Hands up.
Hands up.
Cheating scum! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! Cheating scum! Schofield, you know what I think of you.
Right now I'm gonna give you the chance to apologise.
Right down camera one there.
I would like to apologise for the numerous occasions that quite obviously, we have got video evidence of.
I will maintain that on one of them, someone was off-balance.
On another one, I was helping a friend.
And on the third one, I was a cheating (BLEEP).
# BLUR: Song 2 Hey, he's more tooth than man, it's Ryland.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Rylan, is it true you've got some big news? No.
What? Down here it says you've been working on a brand-new business for the last three years.
Oh, yeah, I've been doing that.
It's not new music, is it? No.
(LAUGHS) You're such a prick.
If you want to know what I've actually been up to, I've been sitting at home watching This Morning, touching myself.
That is literally all I've been doing all year.
And I'm enjoying it.
Just let me enjoy it.
There you go.
Rylan, you've got some seriously large Easter shoes to fill.
So let's see if you're up for it, as we play: Love Easter.
Yeah, this is just basically an Easter egg hunt.
I've hidden some Easter eggs about the studio.
I've got a map here.
Your teammates Holly and Phil will guide you as to where the eggs are.
You'll get a point for every one you collect.
The ones that are left over, those points will go to your team.
Oh, Judas.
(LAUGHTER) And because it's television, you have an allotted time.
I'm gonna give you the map.
Oh, we've got a map.
You'll go on the sound of the Easter baby goat.
Easter baby goat? Easter baby goat.
You know what they sound like, don't you? Little lambs.
Like this.
(GOAT BLEATING) Go! Where am I going? This way? Wait, wait, wait! Out to the left.
Once you've gone out, once you've got There should be some tables.
Tables.
Two tables.
It's on the floor.
Table? Under the table.
There's one here! On the floor! Yes.
Under the table.
Oh, no, it's stuck! It's stuck.
Yes! OK, now you're looking for the bins.
The bins.
Behind those.
Behind those, all the way behind.
Oh, fuck! Behind it.
Oh, what's in there?! It's Carl the Christmas elf! It's not Christmas, shut the lid.
Don't wake him up, he'll go mad.
He's asleep, look.
Take the egg from him but don't wake him up.
(LAUGHTER) Right, next one.
Quick, before he gets out, Rylan! The boxes in front of you, open the box.
The egg is in the box.
Oh, Jesus.
You're doing really well, Rylan.
(GROANS) How many boxes? READS: 'Egg is in the box.
Next one, you prick.
' (LAUGHTER) Careful.
Yeah, OK.
'Still no eggs, you tosser.
' (LAUGHTER) Where do I go? You've got it.
Right, all the way down the corridor.
Turn right, turn right.
Yeah, right, there should be an egg on the floor.
Yep.
Dressing room 10.
Number 10.
Go back in the marquee.
There should be another egg in there somewhere.
I thought that was that one.
Look around for the egg.
You've got to put water in it to get it out.
Erm Raise the egg.
Put the water in the cup and pour it in.
OK.
Don't burn yourself.
He's knackered.
How you doing, Rylan? (LAUGHTER) Rylan, you have to put it in your mouth.
What? You have to put it in your mouth and spit it in.
Rylan, don't spit your teeth out.
That's it, Rylan.
(LAUGHTER) Rylan.
(CHEERING) Rylan! You're watching ITV2.
We've got Rylan pouring tea into a tube to receive an egg.
(PING) Back down the corridors to the dressing room.
The dressing room.
For fuck's sake.
Oh, shit.
An egg enclosure.
Go on.
You can go in there.
Be careful.
Rylan, be careful.
Oops, there he is.
If someone touches me, I will punch you in the face.
Oh, shit! (PING) It wouldn't fit in the basket.
It's like Springwatch.
Oh, shit.
The water in my glass is wobbling.
That can only mean one thing.
There's a T-rex! There's a T-rex! Get out, there's a T-rex! There's a T-rex! Get out! No! No! (LAUGHS) No! Run, Rylan, run! (CHEERING) Well done.
You did very well.
I've got tea down my back, I broke a nail.
Oh.
You get a point for every egg.
So you've got the T-rex egg, that's one.
Two, three four eggs! Not bad! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Rylan! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! Happy Easter! Coming up after the break She's off again.
Don't touch anything.
Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Easter Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phillip, you like a bit of wibbly-wobbly, don't you? Love it.
Courtney, do you fancy a bit of wibbly-wobbly? I thought you'd never ask.
Then let's play 'The Wibbly-Wobbly Game associated with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly-wobbly, wibbly-wobbly.
' Hello and welcome to The Wibbly-Wobbly Game! OK, this game is simple.
All you do is sit upon Jonathan Ross' wibbly-wobbly nose, and then you have to describe words to your teammates.
First up, it's the cheating pig that is Phillip Schofield.
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! Cheating scum! You've got to lie back.
You've got to lie back.
(LAUGHS) There we go.
There we go.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Yes! The last supper! No, you cheating bastard! You've got to describe the word! Oh, have I? Oh, Jesus Christ.
Cheating scum! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! It's what you do to your house when it's really dirty, but you don't do it in the autumn, the winter or summer.
Hoover it.
Spring clean! Yes! Hoover it? They're what I am in every game we play on here.
Cheating scum.
Yes.
Cheating scum! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! (KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phillip Schofield, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is gonna be interesting.
It's Courtney! Go on, Courtney.
Ah! Ah! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Ah! Ah! What? Oh.
Jesus hung around this.
Is that it? Jesus hung around the Jesus was hung on the Oh, cross.
Yes.
Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! What? That's disgusting! When two men love each other very much and they're over the age of 40, they put on a latex glove and put their hands inside of each other.
Fisting! Yes! (KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
Courtney, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Holly Willoughboozy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) My only slight issue is I need to go for a wee.
(LAUGHTER) So this is gonna be interesting.
Ooh! We saw what happened to Courtney, do you want to clip your bush? (LAUGHTER) Ah! Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God, my head! OK.
It's like the devil of animals.
It's got, like, horns, a wicked Lobster? No.
A goat? Yes, a goat! Make it stop! Oh, my God.
I don't even know what it really is.
Clitoris.
(LAUGHTER) It rhymes with 'trimming'.
Rimming! Rimming.
Yes! Yes, but what kind of rimming? Oh.
But you do it at this time of year.
Spring rim.
No, not spring.
(LAUGHTER) Easter rim.
Easter Easter rim.
Easter rimming! Yes! Easter rimming.
(KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
(LAUGHTER) Make it stop! She's off again.
Don't touch anything.
Don't touch anything.
(LAUGHTER) Don't touch anything.
Stay there.
She's gonna piss, she's gonna piss.
She's gonna piss.
Wow.
And the scores at the end of that round are Wobbling! 'The Wibbly-Wobbly Game associated with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly-wobbly.
Wibbly-wobbly.
' 'Ey, Holly, word to your mum, do you remember when we borrowed the DNA pod from Jeff Godblob? Yeah.
Goldblum, yeah.
And we spliced our contestants with items from the Argos catalogue? That's right.
Gino, do you remember that? No.
(LAUGHTER) Well, erm you're gonna like this next game cos what he's done is lent us his new DNA pod.
So let's play: Hello.
Here I am in Jeff Goldblob's lounge area, you can see, this is his brand-new DNA pod where we're gonna attempt to clone our panellists.
First up to play is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
I remember this.
Yeah, yeah, you remember.
We've previously taken some of your DNA, you don't know this.
We took it from that dildo you were sucking in your dressing room, and we've put it in the machine and we've created a clone of you.
You'll go head-to-head with your clone by playing a classic Celebrity Juice game.
OK.
Is that OK? So, you ready to meet your clone? Yep.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All right? So this is my clone? (LAUGHTER) What do you think, Gino? (LAUGHTER) I'm happy.
Yeah? It's incredible, innit, though, the likeness.
Not really.
Is he? AUDIENCE: Yes! So, Gino, we've been thinking what game you should play.
We thought we should do a game that you've been good at in the past.
Are you ready to play? Yes.
Then let's play: So, Gino, all you have to do is put the Easter egg in your mouth and spit it out.
The winner will be the person that gets it closest to the edge of the table.
All right.
Yeah? Are you going first? No, let's get er Sopranos here first.
(LAUGHTER) So the Gino clone will be going first, OK.
Take the Easter egg, put it in your mouth.
Don't eat it, yeah, just spit it.
Right, you ready? Go.
Ooh! Very good.
Now you know what you've got to beat.
Can Gino beat himself off? Best of three.
AUDIENCE: Oh! 1-0 to Gino's clone.
Here he goes.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Oh, no, we don't know, we don't know.
We don't know yet.
So if I cross there, I've got a point, right? Yeah.
The one in the middle? Yep.
I'm gonna go for the glass.
OK.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! So close.
Oh! That was so close.
The winner is Gino's clone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So that's no points for Gino's team, and the clone gets to live! Two Ginos in the world.
Hurrah! Next up to play, it's Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, the game that we decided you should play I mean, you've been a cheating bastard many of times on Celebrity Juice.
But hopefully he won't be a cheating pig as he goes against his clone.
We've taken the DNA from your bum.
Your toilet paper, we took some.
We put it in there.
Let's see if it works.
Phillip Schofield's clone, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # THIS MORNING THEME TUNE (LAUGHTER) I'm telling you what apart from the height difference, it's incredible, isn't it? It's like looking in the mirror.
(LAUGHTER) So you're gonna be playing Battlechips! Hi, welcome to Battlechips.
I'm just standing outside the circle of doom.
Let's meet our contenders.
First up, it's the cheating pig we know as Phillip Schofield.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phillip will be playing against Phillip Schofield.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So you know the rules.
Get inside the circle.
You will go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) And they're going! Ooh! It's a gentleman's game.
They're playing it like two gentlemen.
Keep in the circle.
Schofield is mocking Schofield.
Oh, he got one.
He didn't get it, I thought he got it.
Stay in the circle, stay in the circle.
Hands behind your back.
Hands behind your back.
Schofield clone is now Oh, he got one! He got one.
Schofield got one.
One chip left.
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Phillip! Phillip! Oh! I've just been told by the adjudicator it was too easy for you, so you're gonna compete against someone who might be your match.
Please welcome Courtney! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Say thank you to Schofield the clone! Well done.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's Courtney, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Have you got your heels? Oh, yes.
She's kept her heels on.
Oh! Here we go.
Here we go.
Right, right, are you ready? Yes.
Arms behind your backs.
Whoever wins this gets five points.
Stay in the circle.
Stay in the circle.
Stay in the circle.
Hands behind backs.
(LAUGHS) Ah, now there's competition.
Courtney's having trouble.
Courtney's having trouble.
It's staying on the face.
Ah! Courtney's lost one.
Courtney has lost one.
Now I've got an advantage.
No hands, no hands.
We're playing Battlechips.
Oh, she's taking the shoes off.
She's getting in now.
(LAUGHTER) In the circle.
Schofield's the winner! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Nice to win without cheating, isn't it? Nice feeling, isn't it? The winner is Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Cloning! We're going to an ad break, see you in a bit! Coming up after the break You've got to beat the second row, Gino.
Gino! Gino! (LAUGHS) Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Easter Special.
Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Are you having a good time? Yeah.
Are you having a good time? Yeah! Are you having a good time? (CHEERING) There's all to play for in our final round, it's the buzzer round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? 'You double-crossing wanker!' (LAUGHTER) On Fearne's team, all the buzzers relate to Courtney.
What's your buzzer, Fearne? '# Man, I feel like a woman' OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
Here we go.
We asked 100 people to list words they associate with Phillip Schofield.
Name one of the top three.
'# I'm every woman' That's Fearne's team.
Silver and fox.
Nope, that's incorrect.
What? Who are these people? Words they associated with Phillip Schofield.
'You swindling (BLEEP).
' (LAUGHTER) Drunk.
Drunk? Nope.
Fearne's team.
Cheat.
I'll give you that, yes.
Yes, cheating.
Cheating.
The other two were lying and scum.
You lying bastard! Who can do the best impression of an Easter goat? 'You fucking rascal.
' Holly's team.
(BLEATS) Ha-a-a-ppy Easter.
Fearne's team, I've got to give you a go.
I think Courtney's got this.
(BLEATS) (BLEATS) Wow.
That's a sheep.
That's a sheep.
Anyone else? Have you got something, Schofield? (BLEATS) Ooh! I'm giving it to Schofield.
True or false, Fearne's nose grows 1cm every year.
'# I'm every woman' Fearne's team.
Yeah, I think it does.
Not true.
It's true.
Let's have a look at this picture back in 1999.
That was when I was so young and cute.
(LAUGHS) Aw.
A point for Rylan if he makes up an Easter song right now.
# Happy Easter, it's all so great # Make sure you're all in bed by eight # If you're not, there's a little lamb And he will come and get you and put you in a van (LAUGHTER) An extra point if Gino D'Acampo can make up an Easter song.
# Happy Easter to you # Happy Easter to you # If you don't celebrate Easter Then let me tell you, fuck you (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (AUDIENCE CHANTING) Gino! Gino! My one.
A point for your team whoever can kick an Easter bunny the furthest.
Ooh.
Second row.
Come on, Gino.
You've got to beat the second row, Gino.
Gino! Gino! (LAUGHS) That point to Schofield.
(KLAXON) Oh! There's the klaxon.
That's the end of the round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is .
.
it's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Really? I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through' week, I'll see you through' window.
Happy Easter! Let's dance! # CHAS AND DAVE: Rabbit # You've got a beautiful chin # You've got beautiful skin # You've got a beautiful face # You've got taste # You've beautiful eyes # You've got beautiful thighs You've got a lot without a doubt
Check out my sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, what the fuck is going on? But don't worry, it's just an over elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on't telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurra-a-a-h! Hello and welcome to a special Easter Celebrity Juice Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, we have our very own 'Heaster' twat, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Thank you.
Heaster twat! (LAUGHS) And on my right, I have the queen of Big Brother, it's Courtney Act! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, you love 'Heaster', don't you? You love 'Heaster'.
I'm confused today because I've got two drag queens on my team AUDIENCE: Oh! .
.
and I don't know which one I'm fine with that.
Gino made a joke! Gino made a joke! I'll show you mine if you show me yours, Gino.
So there is a willy? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Explain it to him.
Well, when a man and woman love each other very much (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Let's meet our other team captain, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
I'll tell you what you give me, a resurrection.
(LAUGHTER) Oh.
Nice.
That's a joke.
Gino told me that joke.
I would like to know, what has Moses got to do with Easter? Moses? Well, he's in the Bible, isn't he? He's in the good book.
I mean, this is an adaptation, your own kind of version of.
Yeah, I'm Moses in the Anarchic years when he decided to become a punk.
And he just said, "I don't wanna part no sea no more, you get me?" (LAUGHTER) Fearne, I tell you what, I'd love to part you.
(LAUGHTER) No.
Never.
Ever, ever.
Just part and go, ha-ha-ha! I knew it! Introduce me, for fuck's sake! So I can speak! (LAUGHS) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Phillip! Phillip! Holly, who's on your team? Oh, I have a legend for you tonight.
We love him on this show, it's the one and only Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And talk.
God, I'm back.
Welcome.
Phillip, you like Easter cos you've come as an Easter character, you've come as the Milk Tray man.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know what, I can read you like a book.
What am I thinking? You're thinking (LAUGHS) Holly, who else is on your team? Well, on my right, I've got an empty chair.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) The reason for this, because you all know that normally when we do an Easter special, our very good friend Johnny Vegas dresses as an Easter Bunny cos he loves it.
Unfortunately, he's not here tonight.
I miss Johnny.
So let's meet our Easter Bunny replacement.
Bring them on.
Who is it? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Rylan! Rylan! It's Ryland, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Why is he really unhappy? You look adorable.
Johnny Vegas fucking rung me and was like, "I've got big job for you.
" I thought I was getting a lead in Benidorm, and I'm fucking sat here.
This is a piss take.
Courtney Act, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Courtney, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
We all know you here in the UK because you won Celebrity Big Brother.
(CHEERING) You were in the Big Brother house with Ann Widdecombe, weren't you? I was.
Ann Widdecombe actually looks a little bit like an older Holly.
Does she? Yeah, there she is, look.
Didn't you have a little accident as you walked in? As I walked in, I did have what is referred to as a wardrobe malfunction.
Yes.
Let's have a look.
There you are.
Showing the spadge.
That's what we in the industry refer to as a tuck.
(LAUGHS) What's it called? A tuck.
A tuck.
When you tape it down.
So pull it underneath Your testicles go up inside you into the - Hey, oi! Your testicles go up inside you? Yeah.
How? Well, there's a little cavity, that's where they come from when you're born.
Or when you're cold or scared or when you ejaculate, they go back up inside you.
Mine are always just dangling.
Can we just look at this face over here for a minute? Gino, what's your problem? Where is the cock? Where is it going? So you have a cock between your arse? Yeah, that's how gay I am.
(LAUGHTER) Guys at home right now just so confused about what's going on.
Cos they're all like that "She's fucking fit.
" Ah! And then they're like, "Oh, well!" Fearne, you know a bit about this because you've had a similar accident, haven't you? I think it was when you worked on radio.
Probably.
And your skirt blew up.
Did it? I think we've got a picture.
There you are.
Your skirt blew off.
This is the problem with mine, it's too long to tuck up.
It's a tail.
That picture, I said to them earlier, is that real? Because when I saw Fearne's dick, it were right tiny.
No, it's long.
You used to be a hermaphrodite, didn't you? Sure.
If that's the new story.
(LAUGHTER) Intersex is the politically correct term.
Intersex? Yeah.
I am fucking into sex, I am.
I am.
You're pansexual, you say you are, don't you? Yes.
That means that you're attracted to many genders.
I mean, mostly I'm attracted - How many is there? On Facebook, there's over 50.
They've got more genders than Baskin-Robbins has got ice cream.
I'm pansexual as well, cos I wank into casserole dishes.
Hey, he's the George Clooney of daytime TV, it's Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What's the biggest slip-up you've ever made on This Morning? ErmI think probably we've nearly sworn a couple of times.
Yeah.
I bet you've nearly pissed.
Many times.
You like a good giggle, don't you? Well, he makes me laugh sometimes and you see me drop out of shot cos I have to squat down in case I do wet myself.
The other thing he does all the time is try and make me jump, which is actually quite an easy thing to do.
Does he just put his finger in your arse? Yes (!) One of the biggest mistakes you've done, Phillip, is on here when you've been cheating.
You're such a cheat.
Have a look at this, it was a box game.
He's got a bright pink jumpsuit on.
"Look, no-one can see me.
Look, no-one can see me.
" You're a big, dirty cheat.
That's friendship.
That is helping a friend.
So what about when he's not helping a friend, and he's cheating in a game of Battlechips? He pushed Ore Oduba on the floor.
He tripped! Let's have a look, let's have a look.
He cheats.
Look at him, pushing him over.
Pushing him over.
Look, he's holding him, he's holding him.
He's a big, dirty cheat! Remember when we did the honey race and you had to pick up some sweet, sweet chicken using nothing but your mouth? Only your mouth.
Yeah.
Look at this.
I did cheat on that one.
Use your mouth to pick up the chicken and drop it into the honey.
Big, dirty cheat! Hands up.
Hands up.
Cheating scum! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! Cheating scum! Schofield, you know what I think of you.
Right now I'm gonna give you the chance to apologise.
Right down camera one there.
I would like to apologise for the numerous occasions that quite obviously, we have got video evidence of.
I will maintain that on one of them, someone was off-balance.
On another one, I was helping a friend.
And on the third one, I was a cheating (BLEEP).
# BLUR: Song 2 Hey, he's more tooth than man, it's Ryland.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Rylan, is it true you've got some big news? No.
What? Down here it says you've been working on a brand-new business for the last three years.
Oh, yeah, I've been doing that.
It's not new music, is it? No.
(LAUGHS) You're such a prick.
If you want to know what I've actually been up to, I've been sitting at home watching This Morning, touching myself.
That is literally all I've been doing all year.
And I'm enjoying it.
Just let me enjoy it.
There you go.
Rylan, you've got some seriously large Easter shoes to fill.
So let's see if you're up for it, as we play: Love Easter.
Yeah, this is just basically an Easter egg hunt.
I've hidden some Easter eggs about the studio.
I've got a map here.
Your teammates Holly and Phil will guide you as to where the eggs are.
You'll get a point for every one you collect.
The ones that are left over, those points will go to your team.
Oh, Judas.
(LAUGHTER) And because it's television, you have an allotted time.
I'm gonna give you the map.
Oh, we've got a map.
You'll go on the sound of the Easter baby goat.
Easter baby goat? Easter baby goat.
You know what they sound like, don't you? Little lambs.
Like this.
(GOAT BLEATING) Go! Where am I going? This way? Wait, wait, wait! Out to the left.
Once you've gone out, once you've got There should be some tables.
Tables.
Two tables.
It's on the floor.
Table? Under the table.
There's one here! On the floor! Yes.
Under the table.
Oh, no, it's stuck! It's stuck.
Yes! OK, now you're looking for the bins.
The bins.
Behind those.
Behind those, all the way behind.
Oh, fuck! Behind it.
Oh, what's in there?! It's Carl the Christmas elf! It's not Christmas, shut the lid.
Don't wake him up, he'll go mad.
He's asleep, look.
Take the egg from him but don't wake him up.
(LAUGHTER) Right, next one.
Quick, before he gets out, Rylan! The boxes in front of you, open the box.
The egg is in the box.
Oh, Jesus.
You're doing really well, Rylan.
(GROANS) How many boxes? READS: 'Egg is in the box.
Next one, you prick.
' (LAUGHTER) Careful.
Yeah, OK.
'Still no eggs, you tosser.
' (LAUGHTER) Where do I go? You've got it.
Right, all the way down the corridor.
Turn right, turn right.
Yeah, right, there should be an egg on the floor.
Yep.
Dressing room 10.
Number 10.
Go back in the marquee.
There should be another egg in there somewhere.
I thought that was that one.
Look around for the egg.
You've got to put water in it to get it out.
Erm Raise the egg.
Put the water in the cup and pour it in.
OK.
Don't burn yourself.
He's knackered.
How you doing, Rylan? (LAUGHTER) Rylan, you have to put it in your mouth.
What? You have to put it in your mouth and spit it in.
Rylan, don't spit your teeth out.
That's it, Rylan.
(LAUGHTER) Rylan.
(CHEERING) Rylan! You're watching ITV2.
We've got Rylan pouring tea into a tube to receive an egg.
(PING) Back down the corridors to the dressing room.
The dressing room.
For fuck's sake.
Oh, shit.
An egg enclosure.
Go on.
You can go in there.
Be careful.
Rylan, be careful.
Oops, there he is.
If someone touches me, I will punch you in the face.
Oh, shit! (PING) It wouldn't fit in the basket.
It's like Springwatch.
Oh, shit.
The water in my glass is wobbling.
That can only mean one thing.
There's a T-rex! There's a T-rex! Get out, there's a T-rex! There's a T-rex! Get out! No! No! (LAUGHS) No! Run, Rylan, run! (CHEERING) Well done.
You did very well.
I've got tea down my back, I broke a nail.
Oh.
You get a point for every egg.
So you've got the T-rex egg, that's one.
Two, three four eggs! Not bad! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Rylan! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! Happy Easter! Coming up after the break She's off again.
Don't touch anything.
Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Easter Special! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phillip, you like a bit of wibbly-wobbly, don't you? Love it.
Courtney, do you fancy a bit of wibbly-wobbly? I thought you'd never ask.
Then let's play 'The Wibbly-Wobbly Game associated with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly-wobbly, wibbly-wobbly.
' Hello and welcome to The Wibbly-Wobbly Game! OK, this game is simple.
All you do is sit upon Jonathan Ross' wibbly-wobbly nose, and then you have to describe words to your teammates.
First up, it's the cheating pig that is Phillip Schofield.
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! Cheating scum! You've got to lie back.
You've got to lie back.
(LAUGHS) There we go.
There we go.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Yes! The last supper! No, you cheating bastard! You've got to describe the word! Oh, have I? Oh, Jesus Christ.
Cheating scum! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! It's what you do to your house when it's really dirty, but you don't do it in the autumn, the winter or summer.
Hoover it.
Spring clean! Yes! Hoover it? They're what I am in every game we play on here.
Cheating scum.
Yes.
Cheating scum! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Cheating scum! (KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phillip Schofield, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is gonna be interesting.
It's Courtney! Go on, Courtney.
Ah! Ah! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Ah! Ah! What? Oh.
Jesus hung around this.
Is that it? Jesus hung around the Jesus was hung on the Oh, cross.
Yes.
Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! What? That's disgusting! When two men love each other very much and they're over the age of 40, they put on a latex glove and put their hands inside of each other.
Fisting! Yes! (KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
Courtney, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Holly Willoughboozy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) My only slight issue is I need to go for a wee.
(LAUGHTER) So this is gonna be interesting.
Ooh! We saw what happened to Courtney, do you want to clip your bush? (LAUGHTER) Ah! Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God, my head! OK.
It's like the devil of animals.
It's got, like, horns, a wicked Lobster? No.
A goat? Yes, a goat! Make it stop! Oh, my God.
I don't even know what it really is.
Clitoris.
(LAUGHTER) It rhymes with 'trimming'.
Rimming! Rimming.
Yes! Yes, but what kind of rimming? Oh.
But you do it at this time of year.
Spring rim.
No, not spring.
(LAUGHTER) Easter rim.
Easter Easter rim.
Easter rimming! Yes! Easter rimming.
(KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
(LAUGHTER) Make it stop! She's off again.
Don't touch anything.
Don't touch anything.
(LAUGHTER) Don't touch anything.
Stay there.
She's gonna piss, she's gonna piss.
She's gonna piss.
Wow.
And the scores at the end of that round are Wobbling! 'The Wibbly-Wobbly Game associated with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly-wobbly.
Wibbly-wobbly.
' 'Ey, Holly, word to your mum, do you remember when we borrowed the DNA pod from Jeff Godblob? Yeah.
Goldblum, yeah.
And we spliced our contestants with items from the Argos catalogue? That's right.
Gino, do you remember that? No.
(LAUGHTER) Well, erm you're gonna like this next game cos what he's done is lent us his new DNA pod.
So let's play: Hello.
Here I am in Jeff Goldblob's lounge area, you can see, this is his brand-new DNA pod where we're gonna attempt to clone our panellists.
First up to play is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
I remember this.
Yeah, yeah, you remember.
We've previously taken some of your DNA, you don't know this.
We took it from that dildo you were sucking in your dressing room, and we've put it in the machine and we've created a clone of you.
You'll go head-to-head with your clone by playing a classic Celebrity Juice game.
OK.
Is that OK? So, you ready to meet your clone? Yep.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All right? So this is my clone? (LAUGHTER) What do you think, Gino? (LAUGHTER) I'm happy.
Yeah? It's incredible, innit, though, the likeness.
Not really.
Is he? AUDIENCE: Yes! So, Gino, we've been thinking what game you should play.
We thought we should do a game that you've been good at in the past.
Are you ready to play? Yes.
Then let's play: So, Gino, all you have to do is put the Easter egg in your mouth and spit it out.
The winner will be the person that gets it closest to the edge of the table.
All right.
Yeah? Are you going first? No, let's get er Sopranos here first.
(LAUGHTER) So the Gino clone will be going first, OK.
Take the Easter egg, put it in your mouth.
Don't eat it, yeah, just spit it.
Right, you ready? Go.
Ooh! Very good.
Now you know what you've got to beat.
Can Gino beat himself off? Best of three.
AUDIENCE: Oh! 1-0 to Gino's clone.
Here he goes.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Oh, no, we don't know, we don't know.
We don't know yet.
So if I cross there, I've got a point, right? Yeah.
The one in the middle? Yep.
I'm gonna go for the glass.
OK.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! So close.
Oh! That was so close.
The winner is Gino's clone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So that's no points for Gino's team, and the clone gets to live! Two Ginos in the world.
Hurrah! Next up to play, it's Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, the game that we decided you should play I mean, you've been a cheating bastard many of times on Celebrity Juice.
But hopefully he won't be a cheating pig as he goes against his clone.
We've taken the DNA from your bum.
Your toilet paper, we took some.
We put it in there.
Let's see if it works.
Phillip Schofield's clone, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # THIS MORNING THEME TUNE (LAUGHTER) I'm telling you what apart from the height difference, it's incredible, isn't it? It's like looking in the mirror.
(LAUGHTER) So you're gonna be playing Battlechips! Hi, welcome to Battlechips.
I'm just standing outside the circle of doom.
Let's meet our contenders.
First up, it's the cheating pig we know as Phillip Schofield.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phillip will be playing against Phillip Schofield.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So you know the rules.
Get inside the circle.
You will go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) And they're going! Ooh! It's a gentleman's game.
They're playing it like two gentlemen.
Keep in the circle.
Schofield is mocking Schofield.
Oh, he got one.
He didn't get it, I thought he got it.
Stay in the circle, stay in the circle.
Hands behind your back.
Hands behind your back.
Schofield clone is now Oh, he got one! He got one.
Schofield got one.
One chip left.
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Phillip! Phillip! Oh! I've just been told by the adjudicator it was too easy for you, so you're gonna compete against someone who might be your match.
Please welcome Courtney! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Say thank you to Schofield the clone! Well done.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's Courtney, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Have you got your heels? Oh, yes.
She's kept her heels on.
Oh! Here we go.
Here we go.
Right, right, are you ready? Yes.
Arms behind your backs.
Whoever wins this gets five points.
Stay in the circle.
Stay in the circle.
Stay in the circle.
Hands behind backs.
(LAUGHS) Ah, now there's competition.
Courtney's having trouble.
Courtney's having trouble.
It's staying on the face.
Ah! Courtney's lost one.
Courtney has lost one.
Now I've got an advantage.
No hands, no hands.
We're playing Battlechips.
Oh, she's taking the shoes off.
She's getting in now.
(LAUGHTER) In the circle.
Schofield's the winner! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Nice to win without cheating, isn't it? Nice feeling, isn't it? The winner is Phillip Schofield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Cloning! We're going to an ad break, see you in a bit! Coming up after the break You've got to beat the second row, Gino.
Gino! Gino! (LAUGHS) Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Easter Special.
Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Are you having a good time? Yeah.
Are you having a good time? Yeah! Are you having a good time? (CHEERING) There's all to play for in our final round, it's the buzzer round! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? 'You double-crossing wanker!' (LAUGHTER) On Fearne's team, all the buzzers relate to Courtney.
What's your buzzer, Fearne? '# Man, I feel like a woman' OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
Here we go.
We asked 100 people to list words they associate with Phillip Schofield.
Name one of the top three.
'# I'm every woman' That's Fearne's team.
Silver and fox.
Nope, that's incorrect.
What? Who are these people? Words they associated with Phillip Schofield.
'You swindling (BLEEP).
' (LAUGHTER) Drunk.
Drunk? Nope.
Fearne's team.
Cheat.
I'll give you that, yes.
Yes, cheating.
Cheating.
The other two were lying and scum.
You lying bastard! Who can do the best impression of an Easter goat? 'You fucking rascal.
' Holly's team.
(BLEATS) Ha-a-a-ppy Easter.
Fearne's team, I've got to give you a go.
I think Courtney's got this.
(BLEATS) (BLEATS) Wow.
That's a sheep.
That's a sheep.
Anyone else? Have you got something, Schofield? (BLEATS) Ooh! I'm giving it to Schofield.
True or false, Fearne's nose grows 1cm every year.
'# I'm every woman' Fearne's team.
Yeah, I think it does.
Not true.
It's true.
Let's have a look at this picture back in 1999.
That was when I was so young and cute.
(LAUGHS) Aw.
A point for Rylan if he makes up an Easter song right now.
# Happy Easter, it's all so great # Make sure you're all in bed by eight # If you're not, there's a little lamb And he will come and get you and put you in a van (LAUGHTER) An extra point if Gino D'Acampo can make up an Easter song.
# Happy Easter to you # Happy Easter to you # If you don't celebrate Easter Then let me tell you, fuck you (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (AUDIENCE CHANTING) Gino! Gino! My one.
A point for your team whoever can kick an Easter bunny the furthest.
Ooh.
Second row.
Come on, Gino.
You've got to beat the second row, Gino.
Gino! Gino! (LAUGHS) That point to Schofield.
(KLAXON) Oh! There's the klaxon.
That's the end of the round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is .
.
it's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Really? I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through' week, I'll see you through' window.
Happy Easter! Let's dance! # CHAS AND DAVE: Rabbit # You've got a beautiful chin # You've got beautiful skin # You've got a beautiful face # You've got taste # You've beautiful eyes # You've got beautiful thighs You've got a lot without a doubt