Celebrity Juice (2008) s19e03 Episode Script

1 I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-arse titles.
What the fuck is going on? But don't worry - it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
Look - there's Holly firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne riding a cock-shaped space ship.
There's Gino firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew.
We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on t'telly - Celebrity Juice.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
(CHEERING) Hoorah! (CHEERING) Hello and welcome.
Your weekend starts here! Good times! (CHEERING) Our first team captain is Holly Willough-boozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Hi.
Who's on your team? On my right is the Lord of Lasagne.
It's Gino! (APPLAUSE) Gino! Gino! Gino! And on my left, the beauty from the cobbles - Lucy Fallon! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other captain - Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team? On my left, he's wibbly-wobbly - Jonathan Ross! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
And on my right, my dear friend, Mr Gok Wan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How can you introduce Jonathan Ross, a legend, as wibbly-wobbly? He's not a legend! He's happy to be still alive.
How old are you? 70? I've just remembered - when they asked me to do Celebrity Juice, I thought, 'Yeah, I'd love to, because I get to be with Fearne.
' Isn't Fearne amazing? (APPLAUSE) She's smart, funny, beautiful.
And Holly, of course, the country's sweetheart.
And Gino will be there, and Gino is A dick.
(LAUGHTER) He's Italian.
But I'd forgotten what a massive prick the host was.
And that's a problem at my age.
But it's lovely to see you.
Come here.
Come here.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! OK.
What is it? Seriously You know I look up to you.
Quite rightly.
But don't belittle me on my programme.
I don't come on your programme and go, 'Bluh-bluh-bluh.
' It would be nice if you just didn't bully me all t'time.
I'm trying to help you.
Look, already, nature's been fucking cruel.
I'm trying to help you do the best you can out there.
Are you just jealous of me because I'm miles younger than you? No.
No-one's jealous of you.
No-one even fucking likes you.
I'm here - Every time you're talking, you're spitting in my face! (LAUGHING) Jonathan Ross, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Hey, it's Lucy Fallon, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) A Celebrity Juice virgin.
Lucy, how's Corrie? Really good, thank you.
You're Bethany Platt in Corrie.
You've had a great start to the year, because you won Best Serial Drama Performance at the NTA! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's good, isn't it? It is good.
Thank you.
Did everybody else in Corrie go, 'Fu Well done'? No, they didn't.
You have a weird process of getting into character.
It's very extensive.
Is it? We've got a picture of you getting into character.
Oh, no.
There you are.
Oh! I was getting a facial.
(LAUGHTER) No, not that kind of facial.
It says this is how you get into character.
You put your head in here and come out in character.
We've got a picture of you when you've come out.
Oh, no! And there you are.
(APPLAUSE) I thought that was gonna be a picture of me really pissed somewhere.
Oh, no.
You have a very serious condition, don't you? Oh, no.
What? Apparently, you suffer from wet bum.
Wet bum? Yeah.
Do I? I don't think so.
We've got a picture of you.
There you are, drying it off.
It's the tension of being on telly.
Are you getting a wet bum now? Let's look under her desk.
Get a camera.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, you are, aren't you? Can we get her a flannel? I'll use my jacket.
(LAUGHS) There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.
Oh, what? Have you ever tried to identify an object, not using your hands or eyes, but only your head? No.
Then you'll love this next game.
Lucy, I'm going to blindfold you, or, as Gino would say, 'blind you', and then I'll drop some objects on your head, and you'll get a point for each one you ID correctly.
OK.
Why do we not play Gino's Fingering Game? (LAUGHTER) What? This is like my game No, you can play this with your kids.
You can't do your game with your kids.
Lucy, are you ready? Yeah.
Here's the first item.
OK.
A point for every one you get correct.
OK.
Is that like barm cakes? Do I get another go? I'm gonna give you another go.
(LAUGHTER) What do you think it is? Is it likebread? Yes! A loaf of bread.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is falling off.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no.
Are you ready? Yeah.
(CLANG) Is it a baking tray? A baking tray - I'll give you that, yes! (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Not that.
No.
They're saying I can't do that one.
What is it? Has it gone? It's gone.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no! Are you ready? No.
Is this gonna hurt? Go.
(LAUGHTER) Are they penises? (LAUGHTER) A bunch of penises! (APPLAUSE) These might grow out of your bum.
Grapes.
Yes! (KLAXON) Oh! This were gonna be the last one.
Oh You would have got that straightaway.
Maybe.
Lucy, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done.
Thank you.
Hey, it's my favourite Gok - it's Gok Wan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How are you? I'm good.
You look good.
Thank you very much.
You're best friends with Fearne.
I am.
Why? (LAUGHTER) We have so much in common, and I'm god-parent to Honey, as well, so we're really good friends.
So, you're god-father to my daughter? (LAUGHTER) It's just a sheer coincidence that she's ginger.
A coincidence! Remember that drunken time? No.
I'm not saying I love you, but there's possibilities.
No, absolutely Cos we fucked hard.
No, we didn't.
We did not.
Gok, we have an exclusive about you.
It's been in the news in the past month.
You probably know what I'm talking about.
It looks like you don't know what I'm talking about.
It came out that you're a massive, dirty litter bug.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) Yeah, I think we've got the headline here.
It was in the Daily Mail.
'Then said, "Remember - this is first class.
"' He did.
Tell us what happened.
So, I was coming back from Scotland, and I put all my rubbish into the cup that I'd used, and the train manager came steaming through the carriage.
Didn't talk to any other table.
Came over and said, 'Don't do that.
We've got bins here, and remember: this is first class.
' 'Remember: you're a prick!' Are you denying you're a litter bug, then? Well, I tidied up my litter.
Well, what you don't know is, on the way in here today, we fitted a CCTV camera in your car and filmed you.
Run VT.
It stands for videotape.
So, there's your car.
You're arriving at the studio, and the window opens.
Look - just throwing shit out.
What's that? A microwave? Fly-tipper! Wow! Can I have that number plate? I love that! (APPLAUSE) The proof's right there.
And you've got an autobiography.
Bin There, Fk That.
That is not my autobiography! Bin There, Fk That.
(APPLAUSE) I really believed that was! Let me read some of the chapters from Bin There, Fk That.
Chapter 1.
The Beginner's Guide To Littering.
Chapter 2.
How To Fly-Tip And Get Away With It.
Chapter 3.
Recycling? Fuck that shit.
Fearne Hello.
What do you love more than eating twigs and berries? Oh, my God.
Eating Yoga.
Yeah, doing yoga.
What do you love more than yoga and eating twigs and berries? Cocks.
(LAUGHTER) Well, I've taken two of those things and combined them to play this game.
Wonderful.
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius Harry Ramsden.
Hello.
Welcome to my yogi studio.
My name is Chakra Khan, and playing this game today, we have Jonathan Ross and Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
They've got string attached to their feet.
All they've got to do is lift their legs, in a yoga position, lowering the cucumber into their mouth, and have a nibble.
The winner is the person who's eaten the most.
Do you want to make this more fun? Do you want to hold hands? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Do it that way.
We're doing it together.
You'll go on the chimes! Three, two, one.
(JINGLING) Go! (CHEERING) Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! (LAUGHTER) See, if you're a vegan and you like yoga, you could try this.
(BLOWING RASPBERRY) (HOOTER) That's it.
Feet down.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Feet down.
The winner is Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino! Gino! Gino! Next up, it's Holly and Fearne! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius Harry Ramsden.
OK, we've got Holly and Fearne.
We've changed the vegetable.
Now we've got carrots.
If you're a teenage boy at home, later on we'll do a slow-mo of that, so get some tissues and enjoy yourself.
If you like dudes, here's a slow-mo of Gino and Jonathan indulging.
Enjoy.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) OK, Holly and Fearne I'm at a real disadvantage here.
Oh, what's up? Well, I have a yoga guru next to me.
Well, I haven't used carrots in yoga recently.
Fearne has got three big holes Oh, piss off! OK.
You'll go on the chimes.
Three, two, one.
(JINGLING) There they go! (CHEERING) JONATHAN: Get it in there! Oh, it's in.
(LAUGHS) (CHEERING) She's very competitive.
Oh, look at Fearne! Look at that! She's like a fucking horse! (LAUGHING) Oh, so close, but so far! It's yoga, Holly.
Sit back.
(APPLAUSE) (HOOTER) Yes! There's the klaxon.
(LAUGHING) What was that?! (APPLAUSE) How did you manage that? That was ridiculous.
Right.
I'm just going to see.
I do not want to watch the play-back of that! It was the master of yoga - Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see that in slow motion! No! # You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream # The way you turn me on I can't sleep (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break! See you in three.
Coming up: The category is: things beginning with R.
(LAUGHTER) Hello! (CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Are you having a good time? Yes! Are you having a good time? Yes! Are you having a good time? Yes! Jonathan, have you seen Don't Show Keith Your Teeth? Yes, I think I did.
M-m-m-m.
Yes! Let's play it! (CHEERING) This is a word association game.
You mustn't stop or repeat, you mustn't feed a mogwai after midnight but what you shouldn't do is show me your teeth.
The category is things beginning with 'R'.
(LAUGHTER) It's for you, Jonathan! (APPLAUSE) Gino! Ah (LAUGHTER) Ba-pa.
Eh? Ba-pa.
(LAUGHTER) Ba-pa.
Ba-papapapa, ba-pa Ridiculous.
Ridicu-ous? Rectum.
(LAUGHTER) Gok? Right.
Right.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne? Radical.
Radical! Jonathan? Rhododendron.
(BUZZER) Rhododendron! You said W.
No, I - (LAUGHTER) Rhododendron.
Wabbit! Gino.
Bowly buppy pake.
Bowly buppy pake.
Howwy? Rumpelshtilpin.
What? Ba-pa-pi-pin? Lucy? Mh-hm.
Wuldolf.
Rudolf.
Gok? Rice.
Fearne? Bar spray.
Wibbly-wobbly.
(BUZZER) All right Woundabout.
Roundabout! Bum-ba-ba.
Eh? Bum-ba-ba.
(LAUGHTER) Bum, ba-ba.
Bum ba-ba.
(LAUGHTER) Holly.
Whino.
May eetle weff.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Oh Richmond.
Rulah.
A roulah-de.
Oh, roulade! Ping, did-did-did-did? No.
(LAUGHTER) Woolah? Wankah.
(LAUGHTER) You're a wankah.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (BUZZER) Mize.
Rise? Mm.
Gok? Rise and shine.
(BUZZER) Oh, did you say rice? Russia.
Wally dwiver.
Rally driver! Mwice.
Rice? Mm.
He said Rice.
(BUZZER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It really hurts.
And the scores at the end of that round are ALL: Sha-ting! (APPLAUSE) Holly, I was hanging out with Fearne's younger sister, Dot, this week.
You know what her two favourite things are? Laundrettes? Laundry, of course.
And She likes robots.
I didn't know that.
Let's put those two together and play Laundrobot Wars! (CHEERING) Hello, and welcome to the Laundrobot Arena.
As you can hear, the crowd are going fucking mad.
They're loving it.
What's going to happen here is, two Laundrobots will be going head to head, pushing each other into the Hole of Doom.
(GASPS OF HORROR) That's right.
Jonathan will be commentating for me.
We've got two Laundrobots.
Let's meet 'em.
First we've got Holly-Bot! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You're going against the Gok-Bot! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gok's blank cos he's not got glasses on.
I can't tell if it's him.
Are you excited? I'm - yeah.
It's a female robot.
I don't know if a male robot is stronger.
We're going to find out.
We're going to find out.
We ARE going to find out! (CHEERING) But it's not that easy, because also in the Laundrobots arena we do have the Waz-Bot! (CHEERING) And the Washing Line Swine! (CHEERING) We've also got the Laundrobot Killer here.
Beware of this one.
(BOOING) It looks like a normal washer, but when it goes crazy, you are fucked.
(LAUGHTER) Right.
Let's start.
Let's zip Gok up.
He's not got glasses on, but it is Gok.
There she goes.
The Holly-Bot is in her bag.
Right, get in, get in.
You know what I've got here? I've got a Chinese takeaway.
(LAUGHTER) Very good.
Right, are you ready? Yes, I'm ready.
Three, two, one, let's go! (HOOTER) It's an exciting start! You can see Holly could go.
One shove and she'll go in.
Gok, you want to go left to get that.
Oh, no, I think it's looking bad for the boy in blue.
Yes, it's a foul.
What a tussle this is! An amazing spectacle! I think it could still be anyone's game.
Holly is dangerously close to the rim.
That's not where she wants to be - Ohhhhh! The Gok-Bot! Next up it's Fearne and Gino! (CHEERING) Laundrobot Wars! We've got Gino-Bot! (CHEERING) I'm confident I can take the, ah, vegetarian in the hole.
He's confident he can take the vegetarian in the hole.
Meet the Fearne-Bot! How are you feeling? (CHEERING) I'm feeling pretty pumped, and Pizza Boy is going down.
ALL: Oh! Gonna zip you up, zip you up.
Get in.
There you go.
You'll go on the klaxon.
Three, two, one.
Fight! (KLAXON) Great start from the Gino-Bot.
Looks on fine form there.
Waddling slow, I can see.
The Gino-Bot doesn't quite know where he is.
He's in a vulnerable position out there.
Yes, if Fearne keeps it together, she could have an early victory.
Here comes the Laundrobot.
He's like a very cheap R2-D2.
He's a very bad robot indeed.
I don't know what's going on now.
Looks like some robotic gang bang.
I don't like what I'm seeing, to be honest with you.
Yes, with the help of Laundrobot and the Swine.
Yes, this is going to be a long night, I feel.
But frankly, we've already won.
Yes, Gino surely has to go.
Didn't we see a leg out there? (BOOING) (KLAXON) Yes, it's all happening here in the big arena, as the Gino-Bot finds shame and disgrace in front of his family and peers.
Beaten by a weak vegetarian.
(CHEERING) Everyone! And the scores at the end of that round are ALL: Sha-ting! Going for an ad break.
See you in two.
Go for a poo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break: (CHEERING) Well done, women! Well done, women! Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! It's all to play for in the Buzzer Round! Buzz if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer - buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? 'Massive Gok.
' What's your buzzer this week, Fearne? 'Wobbly wobbly wibbly, wobby wobby wibby, wobbly.
' I hold my hands up.
I thought Gok were going to be on your team.
Did you mess that up? That's why your buzzer's all Gok's.
Gok, can you swap with Gino? Yeah, of course.
Oh no! Still on our team, remember.
(APPLAUSE) He's still on our team.
Good luck.
Who am I playing for? How many teams is there? Sit there, you prick.
This show is a shamble.
(LAUGHTER) This one's for Fearne's team, pacifically Jonathan Ross.
Pacifically? What does RRP stand for? 'Wibbly-Wobbly.
' Well, the R and the R both stand for two other words, and the P stands for Pricing.
What, what's the other two? Recommended Retail.
(LAUGHTER) Ha ha ha! What? Recommended Retail Price.
Here's another for Jonathan.
What does R&R stand for? Ah, it stands for well, it stands for two things.
It can either stand for Your such a (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) It can stand for That's not the answer here.
.
.
rock'n'roll, or Rest and Recreation.
Yeah, but what answer are you going with, then? I'll go with Rest and Recreation.
(LAUGHTER) It's West and Welaxation.
(LAUGHTER) Why is Gok Wan so delighted here in this picture? 'Wibbly Wobbly Wobbly Wib.
' Fearne's team.
That looks like an index finger.
Is he playing Gino's fingering game? (LAUGHTER) No, he's been fly-tipping sofas.
He's a litterbug.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Gok, you've got to stop that.
(APPLAUSE) Jonathan, when they said you were coming on, I said, "Get him on the Wibbly Wobbly Game," cos that's an exclusive.
I'd like that.
It's something you've always wanted to do, like suck your own cock.
You know what I mean? (LAUGHTER) You've spent a long time trying, Keith.
I can! (LAUGHTER) Probably the most unpleasant visual you could ever have.
I bet you look like a hedgehog curled up.
(LAUGHTER) For Fearne's team, if Jonathan gets on the Wibbly Wobbly Board.
I will.
He's going to do it! (CHEERING) Go back on! Lay back.
At last I know how it feels to be my wife.
I'm going to give you a word, Jonathan.
I give you a word.
You describe that word.
Without saying it? Exactly.
Oh! Jesus wept.
Aiy-a-la-la-la-la! I don'ta like it very much! Are you ready? I'm turning into Gino! (GIBBERS) A person who's very old and gets a bus pass.
What? A person, a person who Pensioner! That's correct! (BEEPING) I've done a little poo, Keith.
Keith, I've done a little poo.
(LAUGHTER) When you can't get it up any more! When you can't get - Floppy! No! A medical term! Ah Not powerful.
You're unpowerful.
You're not this, you're that.
(TREMBLING) Mile, mile something.
(LAUGHTER) Fucking impotence! Oh, really? Jonathan Ross, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) That was actually fun! (LAUGHS) Bit of fun, innit? Oh, I wish I hadn't done that.
How was that? Nothing came out, did it, Jonathan? I did a massive shit.
(APPLAUSE) A point for whoever can keep this boiled egg in their mouth for the rest of the round.
Go on, Gino.
Oh, go on, Jonathan.
Take one for the team.
Well, I can try.
I think I'd be sick.
I think I would too.
Any one? Right, right, right.
Anyone else? Lucy is gonna have a go.
I'm taking mine out until hers goes in.
Go! Right, right.
OK.
OK.
Here we go.
A point for Holly's team if Lucy gets on the wibbly-wobbly board.
(APPLAUSE) Right.
OK.
A point for your team, if you take the egg without using your hands.
(LAUGHTER) Yes.
Yes.
Take that egg.
A point for your team.
Five points for your team.
Take the egg.
Go on! (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING) (CHEERING) Well done, women! Well done, women! (APPLAUSE) Come on, Lucy.
Let's get on the board! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on! Am I lying on my back? Lay on your back, yeah.
Lay on your back.
All right.
You've got to describe words to your team-mates.
OK.
Right.
Are you ready? Ohh! OK-K-K-K! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Oh, God.
OK-K-K-K! Uh-uh-uh-uh! Ready? (WHISPERS) I don't know what that is! (LAUGHTER) (WHISPERS) (LAUGHTER) (GIGGLES) It is Apparently, it's a type of helicopter-er-er-er.
A helicopter? A type I don't know.
Er Er (LAUGHS) A bubble helicopter? A type of helicopter.
Er What? Nobody knows this! This is shit.
Of course they do.
Chopping? Chopper.
That's correct.
Chopper! Fearne got that.
Fearne got that.
(APPLAUSE) (WHISPERS) Oh.
You put it on your vagina to feel good.
A dildo.
The other thing.
A vibrator.
A vibrator.
Oh! I think Jonathan got that one.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Don't move until I turn it off.
(LAUGHTER) You might You might You might I feel horrendously pissed! Lucy Fallon, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh-oh-oh-oh! Holly has lost it.
She's lost it! That was the grossest thing.
I tell you what - The egg is out.
The egg is in.
Gino, I'll give you five points, just like Holly and Lucy are being modern women, if you'll be a modern guy and exchange the egg with Jonathan.
No, no! (APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Eat it? No.
Just hold it in your mouth.
For fuck's sake.
No.
No.
Don't do the face like that.
Just put the egg in there.
No.
(LAUGHTER) What?! (CHEERING) (CACKLES) Urgh! (APPLAUSE) I'm gagging.
I'm actually gagging.
Here's a little opportunity for you.
If a cameraman accepts that egg from you, I'm gonna let Fearne's team win.
Oh! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Stop! No! (LAUGHTER) I'll get his camera! No! (MORE LAUGHTER) No! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Come on! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) Come on! (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Aw.
(KLAXON) Ahh! (MORE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice! I did say if Gino passed it to a cameraman, they would win.
That's right.
Tonight's winning team is Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! # I'll get over you, I know I will # I'll pretend my ship's not sinking # And I'll tell myself I'm over you Cos I'm the king of wishful thinking