American Dad s19e04 Episode Script

1
Is the new stove coming today?
Is it Stove Day?
Merry Stove Day, Jeff.
And we're not getting
just any old stove.
Le Bon Chaud is the fanciest
French stove money can buy.
Ooh-la-la.
You've heard of Emily in Paris,
but have you heard of Steve in an apron?
Did someone order a new stove?
That cheap piece of
crap's not Le Bon Chaud.
That European stove you
wanted was way overpriced.
What the hell, Dad?
I invited Nerfer over
to make scrambled eggs.
I'm gonna look like a damn fool.
[AIR HISSING]
Does anyone else hear a loud hiss?
Obviously just a stove snake. Calm down.
Huh. That hose shouldn't be there.
Hey, Candace. Yep.
Stan bought another appliance.
Better send the big ambulance.
It's the whole family this time.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[ROGER] Ah!
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
You are all very lucky.
I have never in my
entire career as a doctor
seen a family this severely
deprived of oxygen.
First day being a doctor, so I've
been saying stuff like that a lot.
Okay, Smiths, time for your diagnosis.
You're all going to live.
[ALL SIGH IN RELIEF]
Wow. We almost died.
Yeah, it really puts
things in perspective.
We need to start living
our lives to the fullest
and do all the things that
we've been putting off.
I always wanted to try the Tiny
Tacos from Jack in the Box.
And you know what? I'm gonna go for it.
I'm finally gonna start
wearing low-rise jeans,
even though Barry says
I don't have the ass for it.
My whole life, I've had a dream.
It has captivated my imagination,
and enthralled me,
but it has also frightened me.
Everest, the highest peak on Earth.
The ultimate test of human will.
Many have died trying.
But those who reach the summit
have achieved true greatness.
As mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary said,
"It's not the mountain we
conquer but ourselves."
Mine sounds stupid now.
- I wanna do Mom's thing.
- Yeah, me too.
I want to get super high.
This family is going to
conquer Mount Everest.
[ALL CHEER]
In that case, I'd better write you
a prescription for adventure.
Isn't it wonderful how things work out?
You need to book a trip,
and it's the grand opening
of my travel agency.
Can I offer you a water, coffee,
maybe a glass of champagne?
Lovely. I'll take all three.
You called my bluff.
I don't have any of those beverages.
But what I can offer you
is the trip of a lifetime.
I've done my research, and here's
what an Everest climb package costs.
Wow. That's a lot.
But I could work some overtime
and maybe look into starting
an OnlyFans account.
Obviously, just tasteful solo stuff.
That's the per person charge.
This is the whole enchilada.
That enchilada is too many tamales.
Don't panic. Klaus has an alternative.
Thank goodness. What is it?
Zorbing. Sport of the future.
Klaus, focus. Maybe there's a more
affordable mountain we could climb.
This Mount Chimborazo is really cheap.
- Not sure I can recommend
- Chimborazo it is.
Oh-ho!
It says here that because
of the equatorial bulge,
the summit of Chimborazo is actually
the closest point on Earth to the sun.
Of course, the equatorial bulge.
That's super,
because I'm an OG bulge boy.
Ride or die. Bulge boys, mount up.
And I ain't exactly complaining
about the proximity to the sun.
Why are we flying on Air Ecuador?
Air Ecuador doesn't only fly to Ecuador,
like how Southwest doesn't
only fly to the southwest.
And Virgin Air doesn't just
fly to your bedroom. Boom.
I'm not feeling my look today.
You ever walk out of the house and
realize you look like an idiot?
I mean, this guy knows how I feel.
You still haven't told the family
they're not going to Everest?
I'm waiting for the perfect moment.
I'm thinking right at the summit.
Well, good luck with that.
I'm gonna go hit on divorcees
in the glass-walled smoking section
that looks like a futuristic prison.
Well, I somehow made it even worse.
I am pumped for this.
I mean, it's Everest.
Nothing else can compare.
Technically, everything can be compared.
That's how comparing works.
Have you noticed that Dad's
acting a little weird? Watch this.
I sure am excited to climb Everest.
It's cool to be up really high.
But it's more important,
at least to me, to be close to the sun.
Dad, why do you keep
talking about the sun?
I'm not doing that.
Hey, switching subjects.
Did you know that one million
Earths would fit inside the sun?
Stan, what the hell is going on?
- We're going to Everest, right?
- Klaus.
Well, I was gonna wait for the summit,
but you ruined my surprise.
We are going to Mount Chimborazo.
[IMITATES CHEERING]
And the crowd goes wild.
Stan, I wanted to go to Everest.
I wanted to stand on the highest point.
If you talk about the sun one more time,
I will cut your tongue out.
We almost died and vowed to
live life to the fullest,
and you bring us to Mount
Chin-beard-rat-turd.
Was it the money, you damn cheapskate?
Dad, I hate you.
You're so annoying. How dare you?
[STAN] All I wanted was to get my
family close to the sun on a budget.
- [ROGER] Come on.
- I don't understand why they're so mad.
I almost suspect they're unfamiliar
with the equatorial bulge.
We should probably hit the sack.
Gotta get up early for our big climb.
We are not climbing that
dinky little mountain.
Come on, kids. Let's go get drunk.
[SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE]
That's "Bye, Felicia" in Sherpa.
Which I learned for nothing.
Everyone is being so mean
to me about Chimborazo.
Stan, we can still
turn this trip around.
I took it upon myself to book
you all a 5:00 a.m. Zorb.
Someone has forgotten what Zorbing is.
[FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING]
What's with this music?
Would it kill this dude to
play some Alice In Chains?
[CHUCKLES]
Another round of drinks
for our foreign visitors,
and I also made little
paintings of each of you.
A souvenir of your trip.
My God.
How do we get rid of this dingleberry?
I don't know.
He's kind of got a cool style.
If you need anything else,
don't hesitate to call my name.
Vicente.
Are we really gonna climb
this lame-ass mountain?
No. You cannot climb
Chimborazo this time of year.
Very dangerous. Certain death.
Stan, did you know this
mountain was a death trap?
Stan's gone.
A few hours ago,
he up and left, mumbling,
"Screw the family.
I'm gonna climb Chimborazo on my own."
[ALL GASP]
We must go after your father and find him
before he meets his death on the mountain.
Prepare yourself for the climb.
We leave at dawn.
Let's just leave now.
I hate going to bed then
having to get up all groggy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I totally agree.
No, we leave at dawn.
Dawn is when you leave to
climb a mountain, Jeff.
Vicente knows my name.
Ow! Hey, Vicente, are you getting
a lot of rocks in your sandals?
Yeah, me neither.
I'm so annoyed your dumb father is
climbing this stump of a mountain.
You know, technically,
because of the equatorial bulge
[SCREAMS]
Hey, I'm thirsty.
Did anybody bring any water?
Not to worry.
Chimborazo has many
treats for travelers.
But watch out, because sometimes
the travelers become the treats.
Whoa.
- Can I keep this knife?
- No.
Eh. I prefer grapefruit LaCroix.
Because of the volcanic activity below
and the grapefruit orchard above,
- this stream
- Tastes just like grapefruit LaCroix.
Call me when you have
a Sierra Mist river.
Chimborazo, she is a dangerous slut.
- Jeff, watch out.
- [YELPS]
Sorry. I thought that tree
behind you was a monster.
- Can I have this knife?
- No, man. It's not, like, free knife day.
I recently guided an artist
from Pixar up the mountain.
He was thinking of setting the
next Pixar movie on Chimborazo.
About a country alpaca that
moves down the mountains
and gets bullied by a bunch
of mean city alpacas.
Alpaca pillow to that movie,
because it sounds like a snooze.
Hello, Esmeralda. Klaus Heissler.
I need to cancel all seven of
the Zorb sessions that I booked.
I'm sorry. You booked our
non-refundable Zorb experiences.
I can offer you a credit. You could
use it for a helicopter tour, or
Look, hon, you're not dealing
with some tourist schmuck.
- I'm a travel agent.
- You seem like a tourist schmuck.
I just told you I wasn't one of those.
Okay, that's it.
Let's settle this like adults.
Adults inside Zorbs.
I challenge you to a Zorb fight.
I accept.
But only because I feel like
humiliating a fish today.
Joke's on you.
Being humiliated by a beautiful
woman is a huge turn-on for me.
Well, sure. This view is a
little magnificent, I guess.
Yeah, and I have to say,
I didn't mind that meadow back there
that smelled like fresh waffles.
Family meeting right now.
I know what's happening.
You're starting to have a good time.
Well, knock it off.
Climbing Everest was the dream,
and yet your father
brought us to Chimbo-Crapo.
Right. Dad always does stuff like this,
and we start having fun
and let him off the hook,
but not this time, capisce?
I could go for a capisce right now.
Hungry? The mountain, she provides.
This whole mountain is edible.
Mmm.
No. That's just dirt.
- How is it? Bad, right?
- Yeah.
Unless you're into perfectly cooked and
seasoned meat that melts in your mouth.
Oh, a cute little monkey.
I think it looks like Richard Nixon.
You're right.
And probably just as big a liar.
I'll bet he wants to take us
off the gold standard too.
That was just a little joke nobody got.
I love you.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Fear not.
The mountain, she will provide us
shelter from the passing storm.
[IMITATING VICENTE] Yes.
Mother mountain.
She will nestle us in the
cleavage of her rock-hard tits.
Ahhh!
Chimborazo, she is a dangerous slut.
Where are we?
Inside a crystal geode that has
grown within the mountain for eons.
Some call this the heart of Chimborazo.
I have to admit, I feel a little good.
It is believed that these
crystals have healing powers.
It's how I've managed to
stay in such good shape
even though I am 97 years old.
Okay. I can't fight it anymore.
I'm having a wonderful time.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
I love this mountain.
But when we find your father,
we can't tell him that we
enjoyed ourselves, okay?
I'm still very mad at him.
I mean, pretty mad. I think.
I don't know.
I feel so amazing in this [BLEEP] cave.
Come. The rain has passed. We must go.
Too long in here, you turn into a baby.
[STEVE] Dad.
Look who decided to climb the
crappy mountain that no one likes
to find the dad that everyone hates.
You're alive. But you look terrible.
This mountain is hell.
I crossed a river of sulfur,
bramble fields,
and there were so many spiders.
Sounds like you traveled through
El Valle Azufre de Aranas y Zarzas.
The Sulfurous Brambly Valley of Spiders.
I see you made a friend. That's fun.
I met a pack of wolves
that stole my shoes.
Stan, I'm sorry
that you had a tough time.
But that doesn't change the fact
No. I will not stand for this.
I must defend the honor
of this broken man.
Everyone can tell he is a simple working
man that makes very little money.
I mean, I do all right.
He tries his best to provide his
family with fun, affordable vacation.
And what do you people do?
You complain about everything.
Yeah. Oh, man. I spit on my sandals.
I can't lie.
The truth is we've had a wonderful time.
- We love Chimborazo.
- I've secretly treasured every moment.
And I love this monkey!
I can't wait to tell everyone
I know about this place.
Oh, yeah. Everybody is gonna
hear about this mountain.
As soon as I have service,
I'm gonna blow Instagram up.
- Click.
- That's not a click.
This is a click.
- I'm partial to clacks myself.
- Enough.
Vicente, what are you doing?
I am doing my job.
My real job.
You see, I am not actually a sexy waiter
or a super-hot mountain guide.
I am the protector of Chimborazo.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
And as the protector of Chimborazo,
I must kill you all.
Because I took a dump
in that crystal cave?
You did what?
I must kill you to keep this sacred place
from being ruined like Everest has been.
I won't let it be flooded
with stupid tourists.
And thus, your family cannot live
to tell the tale of Chimborazo.
As we say in Ecuador, "Sowwy".
Secret protector of the mountain?
Boring. I've lost all interest.
I was hoping his secret
was something impressive,
like he could blow himself.
Where are you taking us, Vicente?
To El Culo del Diablo que Pica.
The Devil's Itchy Butthole.
Where I'm going to throw
you into a pit of hot magma.
We never would have told
anybody about this place,
until you made us fall in love with it.
I always end up doing this.
I feel compelled to show people
the beauty of Chimborazo,
and then I feel compelled to kill them.
- Dad, do something.
- Oh, I thought I couldn't do anything right.
But now that you want me to save
your lives, I'm Mr. Popularity.
Well, okay.
So weak.
Maybe from the many
dozens of spider bites.
Sure, sure. I know three of these
are nipples, but it's still a lot.
[SCREAMS]
Phew.
Okay.
I know we're supposed to be fighting,
but that was
Amazing.
Where'd you learn to Zorb like that?
Every night, I have the same dream.
And in the dream, I am Zorbing.
Same.
I never thought I'd find someone
that loves Zorbs as much as I do.
I never thought I'd
meet such a cute fish.
I'm kissing.
I can't wait for you to meet my family
when they get back with Vicente.
They're with Vicente? Oh, no.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
The Devil's Itchy Butthole.
A suitable end for those
who would threaten
the pristine beauty of Chimborazo.
But we aren't. I swear.
We would never
- My bad.
- Dad's useless.
So we need to do
something about Vicente.
One thing I've noticed about Vicente,
he is very horny for this mountain.
[GASPS] We can use his love
of the mountain against him.
Yeah. We'll trick him into showing
us more and more of the mountain
until we have a chance to escape.
All right, Vicente, you might as
well just go ahead and throw us in.
We've seen all there is
to see on old Chimborazo.
[SNICKERS] Oh! Far from it.
She's barely pulled up
her dress for you.
You're saying there's more
to this beautiful mountain?
Ah! I know I should just
throw you in the magma. But
[MOUSE CHITTERS]
- Whoa.
- It's incredible.
These creatures are found only here,
near the top of Chimborazo.
You are one of the few
outsiders to ever see them.
Wow. Cool bird.
We call that one Feather
Bent Squawkadelic.
Wow. Cool name.
This sleeve of enchanted E.L. Fudges
has got me feeling right as rain.
I know he wants to kill us,
but I kind of agree with Vicente.
It would be terrible if
tourists ruin this mountain.
Yeah, this place is special.
Well, well, well. Chimborazo, eh?
Not such a bad idea after all.
Three cheers for Stan.
Father of the year.
Squawk, squawk, squawk!
[FRANCINE] She really
is quite the mountain.
She sure is. Wait a minute.
I just remembered.
- We're about to get murdered.
- It's always something.
You can never just enjoy the moment.
[CHAINSAW REVS]
Pixar is back to make
their alpaca movie.
This ends now.
- Why don't you use your gun?
- That's not a gun.
It is another amazing creature
found only on Chimborazo.
[SCREAMS]
This mountain is too important.
We must join Vicente and fight for it.
For Chimborazo!
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
- [ROGER] Squawk! Squawk!
Let's beat up some nerds!
[ALL GROANING]
Next time you'll think twice
before you mess with Pixar.
[CACKLES]
- Is that
- Guys, I met someone.
I'm in love.
Abuelo!
Esmeralda, Pixar is back.
[GASPS]
[THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL SCREAM]
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yeah. Suck it, Pixar.
I misjudged this family.
You are pure of heart and spirit.
You love this mountain as I do.
I name you all henceforth
fellow protectors of Chimborazo.
- Thank you, Vicente.
- Do we actually have to do anything?
With that Pixar movie shelved,
Chimborazo shall remain a secret forever.
Bye! Have a great time!