Live at The Apollo (2004) s19e04 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your host for tonight,
Sara Pascoe!
Welcome to Live At The Apollo!
My name is Sara Pascoe.
I'm very, very
Whoo, thank you.
Thank you. That's so kind.
You're so kind.
Thank you.
And thank you to people wooing.
If you're not wooing and you don't
know who I am, that's fine.
That's fine as well.
I'm only quite successful.
I'm on TV sometimes, you know,
like this, this kind of thing,
but I very, very rarely
get recognised in real life.
It just doesn't tend to happen.
The last time I was recognised
was on the Tube
and this man came over.
He wasn't rude,
he was very polite.
He came over and he said,
"I'm ever so sorry.
"This is going to sound really
strange, but you really look
"like a comedian called Sara Pascoe.
"No offence."
So I had to pretend
that I didn't know who I was.
It would have been very awkward
for both of us.
I actually don't know who I am
any more
because I had two children
in two years
and now my brain is broken.
My children don't sleep,
which is the main problem.
They wake up all the time
and now I don't know who I am.
And what I'm trying to say is,
becoming a parent has changed me,
but not in the way I was expecting.
I knew it would be a big
dramatic life change.
I thought I was going
to become nurturing
and learn to cook biscuits.
And it's not like that, you know?
Here's an example.
I've always loved,
this is my guilty pleasure,
I love true crime podcasts.
I love true crime.
I used to listen to true crime
podcasts to fall asleep
and now you know,
now I still put them on.
But now I think,
"Lucky, lucky dead person."
It's changed me. Also, it means
the only time I have to think
about sort of stand-up comedy -
you know, my job -
is in the middle of the night
when I'm up with a baby.
You know, sort of 3.00
in the morning.
I don't know if you've ever
had an idea at 3.00 in the morning
and thought, "Oh, that's amazing,
I can't wait to tell everyone."
And then you do.
And, um, yeah.
So it's Some of the things
I think in the night are very
I'll have very deep thoughts
at sort of four in the morning.
I'll think something like,
"Am I my body or is my body
somewhere I am?"
Yeah, you know, like,
"Is this me
or am I trapped inside?"
You know, uh, I think, you know,
very philosophical things like that.
But some of the things I'll think
in the middle of the night
are very shallow.
I'll think things like,
"Oh, I wonder if Deliciously Ella
"gets diarrhoea
more than normal people."
Because she must, mustn't she?
You can't have a stew
that's 91 of your five-a-day
without there being ramifications
later on.
Also, by the way, I'm not
insulting Deliciously Ella.
I respect her a lot.
Deliciously Ella,
she's a chef.
She does food blogging and stuff,
but she does vegan food,
plant based, etc.
but all the vegetables,
this is what I like,
still look like vegetables.
They're not sort of pretending,
you know?
You know, cos there's
this entire industry.
It doesn't make any sense.
It's this entire industry
for when people say,
"You know what, I've decided I don't
want to eat sausages any more.
"You know, personal decision.
I don't want to eat animals.
"No sausages for me."
There's an entire industry going,
"What about if we made
sausages worse?
"Can we tempt you now?"
You know, hemp and edamame.
Mm!
Also, I think that
vegan substitutes,
that's what they're called,
vegan substitutes,
they're the tribute acts
of the food world.
So it doesn't make any sense.
It's like someone being like, "What?
Take That to playing in Hyde Park?
"Nah not interested.
"Take This are at the bingo hall.
"Count me in!"
Also, I don't think they should
be called vegan substitutes
because I've noticed
that in football,
when there is a substitution,
they send on another footballer,
not a falafel.
I recently found out that
I've got ADHD and my friend,
Laura, told me. Um, yeah.
So the thing is, Laura, she recently
found out that she's got ADHD.
And it turns out that one
of the main symptoms of ADHD
is the ability to diagnose it
in friends and family.
And, um, yeah.
So what that means is ADHD
is working like a pyramid scheme
where everyone who finds out
they've got ADHD,
they tell seven to eight people
that they've got ADHD,
and we're just going to carry on
until we've all got it.
We're just going to carry on
until we've all been diagnosed.
We're going to carry on.
So we've all got ADHD,
apart from one neurotypical man.
And he will build an ark.
God will send the rains
and then start all over again.
So we've got that
to look forward to.
Um, but, yes, veganism.
I love it. I really enjoy it
almost all of the time.
But I do get jealous when everyone
else in the country is enjoying
something that I can't eat.
You know, like Pancake Day,
when everyone's having a lovely time
and Easter eggs on Easter.
Christmas is just
a barnyard massacre.
And you all look so happy.
But the only day
that's really any good for vegans,
the only sort of festival day
is Halloween.
That's the one that's good for us,
because we get the day-old pumpkins
that you leave outside
of your houses.
So, thank you for those.
You might have thought
it was the foxes?
No!
That's us.
Thank you,
thank you for those.
But it is a shame, isn't it,
that in our country,
we don't have a big festival day
that isn't religious,
that everyone
can just really enjoy together?
And that's why I think that actually
the best celebration day
is Flying Ants Day.
Flying Ants Day, I think,
is the best.
It's the best because,
look, hear me out.
Um, you don't get it built up
in your head, do you?
You're not all sort of going,
"Oh, what are you wearing
on Flying Ants Day?"
"No, I had a shit Flying Ants Day
last year.
"So this year I'm going
really hard."
And there's no, like, sort of like,
adverts from supermarkets
being like,
"Oh, have you got your
Flying Ants Day picnic ready?"
You can't get Flying Ants Day
sort of built up in your head,
because you never know
when it's going to be, do you?
You don't even know
it is Flying Ants Day
until you come out of your house.
It's today!
Happy Flying Ants Day!
Happy Flying Ants Day to you.
Um, but the reason I really love it,
actually, is the mystery.
Why are they flying?
You know, nobody knows.
Nobody's thought to look it up.
I like to think
I like to think it's a sponsorship
thing, like how we do Red Nose Day
or Jeans For Genes or, you know,
pink ribbon for breast cancer.
I like to think that they're flying
for bees, and they've heard
that bees are becoming extinct,
so they've all sponsored
each other a pound.
And then they're just going to,
you know, fly for 24 hours.
Probably while they're up there,
the actual flies,
"What the fuck are you doing
up here?" You know?
And then the ants
are saying to them,
"You guys should do
a sponsored swim.
"You guys should do a sponsored swim
"because of overfishing
in the oceans."
And then all of the flies drown.
And the moral of the story is,
not all people who do charity work
are good people.
Keep your wits about you
if you can.
Um
What else? Oh, I will talk about my
children, if you let me,
a little bit, you know.
So I've got a baby.
He's 11 months.
He's the worst one for waking up.
He wakes up every couple
of hours in the night,
and it's so bad that I do think
sometimes,
"I'll just bring him to a gig."
You know?
I'll just bring him to a gig,
I'll hold him up, I'll show him
the audience and I'll be like,
"Look what Mummy does for a job.
"Have some respect. Have a little
bit of respect and just go to sleep.
"Just sleep for a little while."
Obviously I can't actually
I can't actually do that
because he's not
very attractive.
Lots of babies are beautiful.
He's not one of them.
No, no, please.
Please don't feel sorry for him.
He doesn't know.
He's got no idea.
I haven't told him,
but that's why I can't bring him
to a gig.
Because show business, you know,
it's very critical.
And I don't want people tweeting him
afterwards being like,
"Oh, you gummy fat bastard."
I don't know.
That's what I'm protecting him from.
But no, he's not
He's not a pretty baby, no.
All of the recent searches
on my phone have been things like,
"Baby legs too chunky?
"Baby acne? Why?
"Baby Danny DeVito impersonator,"
cos he looks exactly like
the Hollywood actor Danny DeVito.
And I'd would just love
to monetise it,
if at all possible.
But 11 months, I have to say,
is a really lovely age,
because it's when you sort of, your
baby sort of shows you a bit more
of their personality
and you feel like you're getting
to know them.
And he's a very funny baby.
He's very cheeky
and he's good at pranks.
He has this prank that he does,
if he ever is asleep in his cot,
where he'll start looking
for a boob, but in his sleep,
so he'll be like,
"Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
"Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
Like he thinks, "Oh, I'm sure
I left one in here somewhere."
And of course, when I see him
doing that, I think,
"Oh, my gosh, he must be hungry."
And so I pick him up
and I bring him towards me
and just as I expose my breast,
he opens his eyes like,
"What the fuck are you doing?
"This is completely inappropriate.
"You're my mother!"
And if you want to know
what that looks like,
Google "Danny DeVito, aghast."
But I'm finding the toddler,
actually, he's two and a half,
I'm finding that age
a lot more difficult.
I wasn't really prepared for how
hard it was for being the mother,
the parent of a toddler.
It's harrowing.
It's like being trapped
in a house with a very drunk,
quite suicidal chimpanzee.
A toddler's behaviour breaks several
UN conventions on human rights
on a daily basis.
OK, just some examples of some stuff
that he's done to me recently.
Oh, he blew his nose
on some toast I was eating.
He's shit on my bed.
He broke my phone by putting it
in the dog's water bowl.
He kicked an entire food delivery
down the stairs
as I was scrambling
to pick it up.
Oh, he squished sweet potato
into my hair.
He put a used toilet brush
on my face.
He's kicked me, slapped me,
spat at me.
Yet if I leave, I'm the one
in trouble with police.
By the way, this here now
is the moment where parents
are supposed to go,
"But, of course, it's amazing
and completely worth it."
But it isn't.
And it's not.
And I'm also very aware
that lots of you will have chosen
not to have children,
you just decided not to.
Or you're young and you don't want
them in the future.
And you're thinking, "Sara,
this isn't actually relevant to me.
"I don't need to hear
about your kids."
It is still relevant to you
cos I want you to understand
why it's often seemed
that your mum doesn't like you.
You know that odd vibe
you've picked up on from her?
She doesn't forgive you,
nor should she.
And in case you're thinking,
"Oh, but Sara, you've got a
husband, surely he's helping?"
Come on!
Yes, I do, I have,
I have a husband,
and, you know,
what I've discovered is
a lot of the things I learned
at university are a lie.
Equality is a lie.
All there is is,
"Oh, women, go on, have jobs.
"Go on, have careers
if you want one.
"Go on, be proud of yourself,
"as long as when you come home, you
very quickly do all of the housework
"like it's your hobby."
And if you're a straight man
now shouting at me in your head,
being like, "Uh, no, actually
I put a ladder back
"in the shed on Saturday.
"I cleaned the bath when she was
crying on her birthday."
Thank you.
Thank you,
you're one of the good ones.
I'm actually not attacking you.
I'm not saying that men
don't do anything.
You do.
But it's just that
there is too much to do.
And our input isn't parity.
And I do have proof
and it is this.
Men, if they want to, have so much
spare time around being dads
that they can have
secret second families.
Just jump in the car,
half an hour down the road,
another bit of dinner, you know.
"Night, kids!"
There is no woman who,
after 24 hours of drudgery,
is saying, like,
"Yeah, and then I go to Chelmsford
"and I scrub
somebody else's kitchen.
"It's my sexy secret."
I don't want to be too negative.
I don't want to just moan
about my life.
Obviously, I have things I enjoy
and things that make me happy.
I like putting the bins out.
That's my favourite cos it feels
like the house is doing a poo.
Gets me through the day.
What else do I like?
Oh, this is what I think about.
I think this is the last time
something funny happened
that we could all just enjoy.
What I think about when
I'm having a really bad day is,
I like to remember when
Gwyneth Paltrow skied into that guy.
Wasn't that just, you know,
good, harmless fun?
You know, we could all
just enjoy it.
And just in case,
and I'm sure you all know
that news story,
but in case you're thinking,
"What, that sounds bad?"
Look, Gwyneth Paltrow
skied into a guy.
That's not funny by itself.
But then that guy took her to court
and said that it had
really hurt him.
And that's when we started
laughing because,
because Gwyneth Paltrow
has no mass.
It doesn't matter how high up
a mountain she started
or how far down below you were,
if Gwyneth Paltrow
skied into the back of you,
you'd just be like,
"Who's throwing celery?"
"Gwyneth Paltrow?
"From the movies?"
I swear, if he had farted
at the right time,
he could have diverted her course
and she wouldn't have
hit him at all.
But the reason I like to think
about it is because, you know,
Gwyneth Paltrow is such
a beautiful woman, isn't she?
She's so stunningly attractive.
But she's also obviously
put a lot of effort
into looking so perfect
and beautiful.
And so I just like to think
of her being like, "Oooooh!
"Agh!
"Slippy!"
Um, it just cheers me up
when I'm having a bad day.
I have asked myself
I have asked myself,
"Why have I lost so much
confidence from having children?"
You know, you'll hear this
from a lot of new mums.
You know, really
low self-esteem now.
I'll think to myself,
"Why have I lost all my confidence?"
And then I realised,
I do eat off the floor
a lot more now
..than I used to.
And I'm not bragging.
I used to never eat off the floor.
It would never have occurred to me.
But there's a thing, and all
new parents will tell you this.
There's a thing that we say
which is like, you know,
"I have no time to eat," or,
"There's no point cooking
for myself."
And, "I don't want to just make
more mess that I have to clean up,
"so, you know, I'll just eat
what the kids leave."
But what the kids leave,
they flick all over your house.
So if you want it, you have to
sort of lick it off the walls
like alike a Labrador.
And sometimes, you know,
I'm not even hungry.
It's just a kind of tidying up
with my mouth.
I'm just sort of like, "Oh,
my face is nearer than the bin."
Just shoving it in there thinking,
"I used to be someone."
It was a lot simpler in the '90s.
I know there's lots of young people
here, and I'm sad for you
that you weren't there.
The '90s were so much easier
than now.
In the '90s, people had maximum
one problem, like two worries, OK?
And a lot of those worries
were things like,
"Oh, I'm not good enough at squash!"
That's the kind of thing
we used to be concerned about.
Yes, we did have one big worry.
Yes, of course, the millennium bug.
Yes, yes, we were worried
about that.
They said to us, they said,
"The world is ending."
That's what they said to us.
They said,
"We forgot to tell computers
all of the dates."
They said to us, "We've told them
up to New Year's Eve 1999,
"but no further."
What they said was, they said,
"On the stroke of midnight,
"they're all going to stop working."
They said, "Aeroplanes
will fall from the sky."
They said,
"Incubators will stop working."
We were like, "That sounds terrible,
what can we do?"
They said, "Nothing."
And then we were like, "All right,
stick Robbie Williams on.
"Let's make the best of it."
Anyway, January 1st, year 2000,
we all woke up and
we weren't even dead.
Not a single aeroplane
fell on a single baby.
So if you're wondering why people
my age and older aren't doing enough
about climate change,
it's cos you got us last time.
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What an incredible audience.
You've got an incredible
line-up ahead of you.
I cannot wait to introduce you
to these comedians.
Please give it up,
first of all,
she's won every prize going,
you're about to find out why,
it's Amy Gledhill!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Hello! Hello!
How are you doing?
Are you well?
CHEERING
Oh, it's so nice to be here.
Thank you for having me.
My name is Amy.
I'm from a little place
I like to call York
CHEERING
..but I shouldn't
cos it is pronounced Hull.
It's not the same, is it?
It's not the same.
I don't live in Hull any more.
I moved, I moved to London
because I was sick of having
a spare room and a garden.
Yuck!
Get me to London.
I moved to London.
I told my mum I was moving to London
and I thought she'd be like,
"Amy, I'm so proud of you.
"You're following your dreams.
"It's like a film!"
She didn't.
My mum looked at me
and she said,
"Oh, Amy, why?
"Oh, Amy, why?"
And I thought, I wonder
what her problem is with London.
Is it the cost?
Is it the crime?
No, no, no, no.
My mum had one problem
and one problem only with London.
She looked at me and she went,
"Amy, they all walk so fast."
"They all walk so fast.
"Where are they going
at such a speed?"
Jobs!
APPLAUSE
Yeah, they've got jobs down there,
Mum. It's pretty cool!
Where are you from? Camberwell.
Camberwell? Are you really?
Oh, my God, I had the worst gig
of my life in Camberwell.
I didn't really, it was Wigan,
but segues are hard.
Thank you.
So, I was once doing
this gig in Camberwell
I wasn't, I've literally never been.
I was doing this gig in Camberwell
and it wasn't nice, like this,
right, it was the sort of gig
that you dread as a comedian.
So, the gigs you dread
are when you get to the stage,
you look out and the first five or
six rows of the audience
are all bald men
with their arms folded.
And honestly, from the stage,
it looks like you've opened
a box of eggs.
It does. And you think,
"Oh, no, it's an egg gig."
And egg gigs are tricky, right, cos
I tell you what, eggs love a heckle.
And at this one gig in Camberwell -
it wasn't -
this egg heckled me before I'd even
said anything, right?
So I get to the mic
and this egg shouted something
just off the top of his shiny head.
And it was so funny and so witty
I thought I should share it
with you tonight.
So I get to the mic and, quick as a
flash, he goes like this
"Tits!"
"You've got tits!"
It's like, wow,
how did you think of that?
And I thought,
"Maybe he's trying to warn me."
Maybe he's sat there thinking,
"Oh, she doesn't know.
"I should tell her, she'll kick
herself when she realises."
How embarrassing
to come out with tits.
And it's hard when stuff like that
happens, you know,
cos I'm trying to be taken
seriously as a comedian.
And I think we all know,
in this lovely, liberal city,
we all know in 2024,
the funny's here.
It's not here.
We all know, don't we?
There's nothing funny
Please, come on.
We all know, don't we,
there's nothing funny
Apollo.
We all are know, don't we,
there's nothing funny
..about
SQUEAK!
APPLAUSE
Thanks.
It's just sexist.
SQUEAK!
Immature.
SQUEAK!
It's just really silly, isn't it?
SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!
Do you know, I'm so glad
that I remembered to do that bit
cos I forgot last night
and I was just a mad woman walking
around with a dog toy in her bra.
I'm single. What?!
I know, I know.
SQUEAK!
Even after that,
what more can I do?!
Single people, give me a cheer.
CHEERING
Hello.
Couples?
CHEERING
Anyone on a date?
CHEERING
I'm dating at the minute
and I think dates are really scary.
I think first dates, hell.
Second dates, terrifying.
Where I excel
..is a third date.
And I think we all know
what happens on a third date.
Yeah, yeah.
You go to Wagamama's for
the third time in three weeks.
Come on!
The best third date I ever went on
was with a guy who was super-tall,
right? He was 6' 7".
Had all the classics.
He was really broad,
really big hands,
and he could only buy his shoes
off the internet.
Tell me more.
I wasn't bothered about his height
for the first two dates,
ambivalent to it.
But for the third date,
because I thought things might
get a bit physical,
if I'm completely honest,
if I'm completely honest with you,
for the third date,
I had started wondering, you know
Erm
Well, you know, just
I was just wondering
if it was all in proportion.
And I wasn't thinking about it
in a shallow way.
Quite the opposite!
No, no. Awful, no. Ugh!
No, I was nervous, I was worried
for my own health and safety.
I was. I was really nervous.
And so, for the third date,
because I had been referring to
"it" as The Destroyer
OK, that hadn't helped.
That hadn't helped, sure.
Because of that, for the third date,
I did something that I've never
done before and I bought some lube.
And a shoehorn.
And there was Barry from St John's
Ambulance there, just on standby.
I didn't know, I didn't know what
was going to happen!
"Don't you leave me, Barry."
So there's Barry there.
We go out, we go back to his flat.
Now, we're doing some kissing.
And I hope this makes sense
to some of you in the room.
I knew from the sort of kissing
we were doing,
that we were going to take
things to next step,
because the kissing had changed.
Yes, you know already, fantastic.
Ha-ha, yes!
The kissing had changed.
We'd stopped doing the sort
of kissing where you're smiling
and flirting and having fun.
And we'd started doing the
sort of kissing
where you have to pretend
that you're angry with each other.
And you're having an asthma attack.
And you've lost your glasses.
Do you know that sort of kissing?
We all do it, don't we?
You go from that lovely
..to this sort of
"Oh, I'm livid with you!"
We was doing that sort of kissing,
so I was like,
"Oh, my God, this is it!
"This is it, I'm going to see
The Destroyer!
"The Destroyer is on its way."
And then, cos I knew we were
taking things to the next step,
I did the international symbol for
"I'm about to kiss your genitals".
We all know it,
it's a line of little kisses
all the way down the chest.
We all do that, don't we?
Don't we?
Yes. Hell!
You've got to do that, otherwise,
what is it?
Nothing, nothing, nothing,
haw.
That's mad!
APPLAUSE
You'd take someone by surprise.
I'm like, you can't do that,
you've got to do
You've got to do
to your little kisses, right.
So, I did that and then, look,
then comes my favourite bit of sex.
And I know, as an adult woman,
there's parts of sex I'm meant to
look forward to more than this,
but every time,
it's my favourite bit, right?
My favourite bit of sex
is when a man's excited
but he's still got his pants on.
Oh!
It's a good bit, isn't it?
He's ready to go
but he's still got his pants on.
That is very high,
isn't it, actually?
I do know it goes there.
I know it goes there.
I have slept with a boy before!
He just goes to a different school,
you don't know him.
I met him once on a holiday,
you don't know him. Anyway.
So, imagine that's there.
So, it's ready to go,
he's got his pants on.
My favourite bit is when the pants
are coming off, right,
and as he's taking his pants off,
the elasticated band around his
pants, as it's coming down,
it pulls his willy down with it,
doesn't it?
Doesn't it? Yeah, you're like, yeah.
So, the pants are coming down
and his willy's going down,
and down and down and down
..and down.
And then
Then there's a beautiful moment.
You both know them pants
only have to slide down
another few centimetres and then
that willy is going to spring out.
It's going to spring out
and do a little doing, do-do-do.
And that is the best bit,
that is the best bit!
But you can't laugh at it.
You mustn't laugh at it
because you're still in angry,
sexy, asthmatic mode.
So it goes,
throng, tiddle-iddle-iddle!
And you have to go
Phwoar!
Wowee!
Maybe not wowee,
but you get the gist.
So, this was about to happen, right,
this was about to happen
and I was really nervous
about what was going to spring out.
And I'd made it worse for myself,
right,
cos I'd just read this book
Um
Not book - paragraph on Wikipedia.
..about this thing called
the butterfly effect.
Chaos theory, right?
That is the principle.
If a butterfly flaps its wings
over here,
through cause and effect, over time,
there could be a tornado in Japan.
Well, as his pants
was coming down
..I was worried about Japan.
Oh, God, here it comes,
here it comes, here it comes.
Take cover, Barry, take cover!
I had a hold of me shoehorn.
Here we go! Good luck, Japan!
And it came out
and do you know what?
Japan was fine.
APPLAUSE
Thank you so much for coming!
I've been Amy Gledhill, goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Amy Gledhill!
CHEERING
So, we do have another comedian
and he's absolutely fantastic,
one of those effortlessly,
naturally funny people.
Please will you give it up
and go crazy for Eddie Kadi!
CHEERING
Make some noise in this building!
Show me some love, guys,
show me some love!
CHEERING
Live At The Apollo. Hi, guys.
Listen, I like to make friends
quick. We haven't got long, right?
So just let me tell you
a little bit about myself.
My name is Eddie, I'm from a nice
part of London called Brixton.
CHEERING
Actually, I'm from down the road,
I'm from Fulham, I don't even know
why I did that.
I'm not going to lie to you,
I'm not from
I don't even walk like that.
I'm from the part of town
I'm from Fulham.
Listen, if you're from Fulham,
we walk like those tourists
in central London.
You know, number one,
you mind your business
and you point at random things.
This is me, I've just got
no problems in life. I'm just
I am. But I was not born in Fulham,
I was born in Central Africa,
a country called
the Democratic Republic of Congo.
CHEERING
Yeah. I know some of you are
thinking, "I've heard that before.
"Yeah, Sir David Attenborough,
Wildlife On One."
No, guys, I am a survivor,
but, you know, different story.
But it's true.
I moved here at the age of nine.
And as you can imagine,
I couldn't speak a word of English.
But when you're young,
you're a little sponge.
English became a part of me,
but at first, I only knew two words.
Yes and fine. Yes and fine.
I was just going around the UK
just going, "Yes," and, "Fine."
Primary school, yes and fine, yes
I started making friends I didn't
even want because of yes and fine.
And when it came to a head
was the first time my mum sent me
independently to the barbers.
My mum, African woman, looked at me,
give me strict instructions.
"I don't have a lot of money,
don't ruin it.
"Go, get a haircut, come back.
You'd better come back beautiful."
OK, cool.
So I've turned up and the first
time at this barbers.
It was a Caribbean barber,
he was from Trinidad, right?
This is what the guy said to me.
Remember, I'm just acquiring
this new language,
I'm used to different accents,
but yes and fine.
And my friends, they spoke really
slowly. Like my friend Billy.
"Yes, you all right, Ed?
Yeah, yeah." I got used to that.
This is what this man said to me,
this is all I heard.
LOW, CARIBBEAN MUMBLING
I said Because if you use yes
in a different way, it might help.
I said, "Yes?"
LOW, CARIBBEAN MUMBLING
I said, "Fine."
I tell you what, the haircut
I received, I got home,
my mum was so upset, took me back
to the barbers,
collected all my hair and said,
"Give me back my £5."
Traumatised me, guys.
I never grew my hair back again,
I promise you.
Stop laughing at my hair, that's
trauma. We're meant to be friends.
We're meant to be friends.
But you know, of course,
growing up in the UK,
there were certain things
that my friends used to ask me.
Cos I realised straight away,
there's some stereotypes.
Television didn't help,
you turn on the TV,
they're talking about the Congo
in a way
that was just unfamiliar with me.
Because I remember
Congo for me being fun.
But my friends would keep
coming to me like,
"Ed, mate, so you're from Congo,
right?" I'd say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
So like, "Oh, mate, I heard you're
a war child, you're a survivor."
You know?
And I thought, no, I'm not.
But I'm not going to tell them that
cos this became the story.
Everyone thought
I was some sort of superhero.
I was like, lap it up.
It's made me popular,
I want to keep this going.
So there was a day
they all gathered round.
"Ed, listen, look, we know it was
hard for you growing up in Congo."
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
"Do you want to tell us how it was?"
Oh, that was my moment, guys.
"I don't want to talk about it.
"Guys, it's bringing back memories.
"All right, listen, so, basically,
yeah, look, in Congo, it was hard.
"There was a war."
"Tell us more, Ed, yeah."
"Listen, I had to look after my mum
and my sister."
"What do you mean?
Where was your dad?"
"Dad was at war." He wasn't at war,
he was selling bread. But that's
I had to look after my sister.
"So, what did you do?"
I couldn't sleep.
In Congo, we don't sleep.
Congolese people
don't know how to sleep,
we don't even know how to blink.
I had to stay up all night
just in case of an attack.
This is how we sleep in Congo.
You can't even blink
as a Congolese.
We have to use alternatives like
So you can imagine my uncle
first coming to this country,
chatting up a woman, right?
He's never blinked in his life.
Winking is part of flirting.
You know, "You all right, babes?"
Not my uncle,
he would see that lady,
"Oh, sweetie,
you look wonderful. Mmm.
"You know, we can go to the cinema?
"I will seduce you
and then afterwards, we can"
Never worked. And my uncle was one
of those guys where he thought
he was the most romantic guy
in the world.
He would give me certain advice
I didn't really take on board,
but you've got to listen
to your uncle.
He said, "Eddie, you will grow up
one day.
"British women, I have noticed,
they are open, they are liberal.
"Yes, they like poetry,
you know, Shakespeare.
"So you come across
a British woman, they like poetry.
"You look at her right in the eyes
and you say to her,
" 'Mmm, darling, roses are red
" 'Violets are blue.'
"Then you let her know
your identity.
" 'You see me, I'm African
" 'And I'm hunting for you.' "
What in the Wildlife On One is this,
Uncle?
But you know,
as I'm getting used to the country,
my friends wanted to know more.
And of course, they asked me
about Congo and I had to
let them know that Congo
is part of a bigger part of Africa.
They're like,
"Can you speak African?"
I'm said, "No, what are you talking
about? Africa's a continent."
They said,
"What do you mean by that?"
I say, "It's a cluster of countries.
For example, if this is Africa"
Right, let me turn into Africa.
Mind your business,
don't laugh at Africa now, guys.
Right, this is Congo,
in the centre of Africa, right here.
And they're like, "All right, that's
nice. What about other parts?"
I said, "Well, in the UK, we have
Nigerians and Ghanaians also.
"That's the majority of Africans.
And we're all different.
"So basically, Ghana is there,
Nigeria's there."
And my friend Billy said to me,
"Well, surely they must
be the same?"
I said, "No, they're not.
"You can't do that, don't
stereotype." Anyone here from Ghana?
A FEW PEOPLE WHOOP
One of them.
Let's talk about them, guys. So
Ghanaians, I love them.
If you want to spot a Ghanaian,
ask them for directions.
Ghanaians, they speak as if,
you know what,
they're in a karaoke, a cappella.
Right? They'll take forever
to give you directions.
How do I get to the comedy club?
"Hmm, OK, so, erm
"OK, so, you want to go to the
comedy club."
How long is a roundabout
to a Ghanaian?
"When you get to the rooooound
SNORING
I'm telling you, man, the first time
I got to Ghana,
when I was touring across Africa,
listen, I came out the airport,
I didn't even know that I had so
many As to my surname.
My name is Kadi. K-A-D-I.
They added extra As,
you should have seen it.
"Oh, my God" It's always windy
where Ghanaians are.
Like, "Oh, my God"
"Eddie Kaaaadi.
Welcome to Ghaaaaaana."
And let me tell you something,
that was just the men.
You should have seen the women.
Now, my friend Billy said,
"Well, what about Nigerians?"
I said, "Well, Nigerians"
Anyone here from Nigeria?
SOME PEOPLE WHOOP
Very good, only four of them,
I REALLY want to talk about them.
Nigerians are what you would call
the most passionate people.
They taught me about passion.
I'll tell you a story, guys.
I was in South London, Peckham.
I saw this man
talking to his woman.
Well, more than talking,
it looked like he was aggressive.
This is what I saw from afar.
What would you do?
What would you do if you saw this?
Woman was there, crying.
And I thought to myself,
Oh, no, not from where I am."
This is Great Britain!
Women have rights!
So I started running
to save this damsel in distress.
When I got close, I released,
oh, guys, never judge a book
by its cover.
This Nigerian man was not
being aggressive,
oh, no, he was being romantic.
You weren't there, I was there.
It's the words.
And I learned that sometimes you've
just got to release your passion.
He was looking at his woman, and
this is exactly what he said to her.
"Oh, my God, my sweetie, ha!
"After 35 years,
look how wonderful you still look!
"I will never divorce you, wow!
You are so beautiful!"
APPLAUSE
That's passion. That's passion.
And she was there crying.
"Oh, my baby, your words are
so touching me, I can't handle it."
It's a beautiful thing, man.
But you know also, like I said,
I realised that British
people are very liberal.
Even at school, a lot of my friends,
I could tell, at home, they were
allowed to do things, they were
allowed to think outside of the box.
Cos my dad once said to me,
"Eddie, you are here in the UK,
land of opportunities.
"You are here to learn and become
a doctor, lawyer or accountant."
That was it.
I got my friends in school,
the teacher asked them,
"What you like to do
when you grow up?"
"I want to be a lollipop lady."
"I want to be a train spotter."
Taking that to my dad, saying,
"Dad, want to be a train spotter."
He would say, "You spot trains every
day, have you brought money home?
"Get out!"
And of course,
my dad was one of those guys, yeah?
It's all about image
with Congolese people, right?
No matter what job I had,
he had to play it up, right?
My first job,
my cousin got me a paper round.
You remember, back in the days
paper round, on a Saturday
and a Sunday, I wake up five
in the morning, just me on my bike.
Yeah? Dashing the newspapers.
My dad made a call back home,
I could hear him.
He said, "My son Eddie has a job.
"Yes, yes, he's a news reporter."
What?
"Shh, I'm talking on the phone.
Yes, he delivers news.
"You know, without Eddie,
London would be clueless."
Couple of months later,
this guy's on the phone saying,
"He has been promoted.
My son is now in finance."
"What are you talking about, Dad?
"I'm a cashier at Costcutter,
can you stop it?"
Now, you can imagine,
as I went through life and I got
to a stage where I fulfilled my
parents' wildest dreams.
They wanted me to graduate,
that's what I did. And I graduated.
Make some noise for me,
that's what I did.
CHEERING
Thank you, guys,
you're far too kind.
And of course, I remember that day
because my dad,
the first thing he said to me -
he didn't react like this -
the first thing my dad said to me
was, "OK, what's next?"
And I thought,
"This guy's never impressed."
My mum's there crying.
This is how important education is
to Africans. She said, "My son,
I'm so happy and proud of you.
"You know, even
if you are a criminal
"..you've disappointed me,
you've killed everybody in London
"and we go to court,
I will defend you."
I said, "Mum, that doesn't
make sense."
"Yes, I will. I'll say,
'Your Honour, I know he's a killer,
" 'I know you have the evidence.
" 'But look, he has a degree.
Look at his degree!' "
Dad was not impressed. I just liked
the fact that my mum backed me.
My dad said, "What's next?"
I said, "Daddy, can we talk?"
During that time when I found
myself, I was doing a bit of comedy
on the side, it was a part of me.
Tried to let my dad know this.
I said, "Dad, you know,
"I've really found myself
over the last few years."
My dad's looking at me,
ignorant, man.
He said, "Found yourself? I've never
seen missing posters across town."
I said, "No, Dad,
I want to be a comedian."
Let me tell you something,
I just let it out.
This man looked at me, said nothing,
he just walked, he kept saying,
"Criminal. Liar."
My dad didn't speak to me
for a long time.
But don't be sad, guys, yeah,
I'm happy to be here.
Do you know why?
Here's the thing - one day,
randomly, show like this,
my mum brought my dad in.
Shock of my life.
I thought, "My God, this is it."
I don't know why he came,
she convinced him.
He sat right in the middle.
This guy was watching me,
the whole crowd was going crazy,
a lovely night like this.
I'm cracking my best jokes,
everyone's laughing
apart from my father.
This is what my father was doing.
The whole show, just kept nodding,
like I wasn't funny.
Show ends, I'm unhappy,
I've gone to Dad and I said,
"Dad, did you not laugh? Did you not
enjoy the show? Everyone else did."
He said, "Oh, son, I loved the show.
You are talented.
"That was the best show,
the funniest"
I'm like, "Big man, you're supposed
to laugh during a comedy show!"
He said, "Eddie, how can I laugh?
There is 500 people here,
"they all paid £20,
I was counting the money.
"£20, £20, £20, £20
Wow!"
APPLAUSE
"Eddie, the mortgage is paid off.
Wow!
"When is our next show?"
And I'll kid you not, if you ever
bump into my dad
and you ask him what I'm doing,
he goes,
"Oh, my son is finally a doctor."
Dad, I'm not a doctor!
And he goes, "Shh, laughter is the
best medicine, you are a doctor."
Live At The Apollo, name is
Eddie Kadi. Thank you, goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Eddie Kadi!
CHEERING
You've been an amazing audience.
Please give it up for both
of the acts you've seen tonight,
Amy Gledhill, Eddie Kadi.
I've been Sara Pascoe. Goodnight!
CHEERING
Bye-bye!