8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s19e05 Episode Script
Kevin Bridges, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Spencer Jones
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson .
.
Sean Lock .
.
Victoria Coren Mitchell .
.
Kevin Bridges .
.
Spencer Jones .
.
Susie Dent .
.
Rachel Riley .
.
and your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
This is the show that loves late-night digits even more than your mum.
LAUGHTER OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE Sean is a handsome, charismatic sex symbol, perhaps most famous for his work in La La Land.
I've got Ryan Gosling's card.
Sean is a grumpy old man.
LAUGHTER And joining Sean tonight is Kevin Bridges! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Kevin got married this year in Scotland.
There was a free bar, everyone was doing shots, downing pints, and dancing on the tables.
Then they finished breakfast and went to the church and got married.
Up against them this evening is team captain Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon and his wife enjoy making lists of things they're scared might kill them.
Top of his wife's list - boredom.
LAUGHTER Because you are boring, Jon LAUGHTER .
.
so it's funny.
And Jon's team-mate, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
Victoria hosts Only Connect.
I love Only Connect.
It's like a big pub quiz, but without any of that annoying alcohol, atmosphere or fun.
LAUGHTER Kevin, what advice would you give your younger self? Well, it depends how young.
Like, my two-year-old self, I would say, like, stop pissing the bed and shitting yourself.
But with my teenage self, what advice would I give? - Yeah.
- I would say, introduce more fibre to your diet LAUGHTER .
.
reduce your caffeine intake, and don't strain too hard during a bowel movement, because if alcohol and drugs don't get you, haemorrhoids will.
LAUGHTER Is your diet better now? No, it's fine, I just had a tougha tough summer.
Apparently, I strained the fissure nerve.
It's a small bit of the anus.
So, I had to go to an rectologist, which is a very niche - What a - LAUGHTER .
.
what a thing to specialise in.
The guy specialises inthe arse, so I had to go to the doctor and I would recommend him for all your For all your needs.
So, I thought I'd give him a plug on Countdown.
LAUGHTER Sean, up toup to anything interesting lately? Well, Jimmy, as you know, I spend a lot of time in my lab.
I thought the RSPCA had banned you from having dogs.
Well, er LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Now, I'm always thinking up ways, like, what I think, Jimmy, is I'm always looking for a gap, you know, so I can fill it.
And what I saw was, I realised that most bathroom products are kind of fruit-based, aren't they? They're fruity, you know, they're, like, peach and pear and lemon.
There's a little bit of pine.
So, I thought, "Time to come up with more savoury bathroom products.
" So, I've created a salt-and-vinegar talc - .
.
which is quite lively - LAUGHTER .
.
a full-English shower gel .
.
I do a bolognese shampoo .
.
garlic toilet roll is very I'm very pleased with that.
That does a lovely job cos the area's already quite gamey, I find.
I think the garlic .
.
the garlic works beautifully.
- It brings out the flavour.
- Oh, absolutely, Jimmy.
So, that's what I'vethat's what I've been working on, Jimmy.
- in my lab.
- OK.
Victoria, what things in life really excite you? Oh, a lot of things.
If you mean in a nice way, Christmas, and free pens, and .
.
finding a fiver in your pocket you've forgotten about, or a PG Wodehouse you hadn't read.
Or, if it's a sex thing, then maybe watching two men go at it LAUGHTER .
.
or erotic spanking.
I'm really into that.
LAUGHTER Good to know.
Maybe a little bit of an overshare, but, no He talked about having piles! No, it was actually a torn fissure nerve.
LAUGHTER I don't want to be misquoted when it comes to my rectal issues.
- Jon.
- Hello.
- How's married life going? - JON LAUGHS - We've been together - to the point where we can have a good - argument on the phone now.
We don't have to just do it live.
And she rang me last week to ask me where the cinnamon was and I think she wanted a slightly more constructive answer than the one she got, which is, "About 100 miles from where I am "and somewhere within half a metre of where you are.
" LAUGHTER "So, why don't you tell me where the cinnamon is?" And in the house, it's just niceit's nice to realise how insane you are, because I lived on my own for a long time and I picked up some habits that I didn't know I did until living with someone else and it turns out I sort of sashay up the stairs, sideways, and I do this with my hands as well and I didn't know that, until I did it a few months ago, and I heard, "What the hell are you doing?" But you know, that's toxic masculinity, isn't it? I've got to be a real man at all times.
You're damned if you, damned if you don't.
Yeah, it's a bit camp using the stairs.
I don't use the stairs.
I just kick the living room window out and I throw a grappling hook up to the bedroom, and I climb up like that, because otherwise she won't respect me.
- Yeah.
- APPLAUSE Victoria, have you got a mascot? I genuinely found it quite sexy when you talked about throwing a grappling hook and then climbing up the thing.
- My husband doesn't do that.
- LAUGHTER - A mascot? Yes.
- OK.
- Well, not just a mascot, several mascots.
- Right.
- Last time I came here, I brought some unrecyclable plastic and it somehow got left behind.
That worked very well for me.
So, before coming this time, I looked around the house for other things that I don't really want to keep, - but I would feel guilty to throw away.
- Right.
I have got Well, this, this is some gherkins.
I don't know where they date from, but they never go off.
But there comes a point when you think, "I really don't "want to eat them," but you can't throw them, people are starving, so to bin them would be terrible, so they just sit forever in the fridge.
Similarly, a panettone.
Nobody likes these.
They just exist to be given to people.
You get them as a gift.
You know, this has been around for maybe 20 We don't even know if there's a panettone inside.
- It could be a human head.
- LAUGHTER It's a food that nobody would ever .
.
would ever want to eat.
Similarly, ouzo.
Ouzo.
So, this I won in a raffle.
I came down one day, some of it was missing and the cat was dead.
- The name, ouzo.
Ouzo sounds like one of Kevin's symptoms.
- Yeah.
It's not all food.
I've got a key.
You can't throw away a key.
It could be for something useful.
I don't know what it's for.
I can't chuck it.
So, stuff you can't throw away, but you want to throw away.
I would feel guilty throwing it away.
The key I'm really disturbed by cos I sort of feel like you might have - a basement you don't know about.
- It could be - It could be I mean - You know that cup wasn't? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, yeah! But all of these things Got to drink gherkin juice throughout the show.
Drink gherkin juice and ouzo and see how it affects your performance.
- I'll do an ouzo and a pickle juice.
- Good luck.
- Jon wants to drink - ouzo and pickle juice.
- Oh, that's real! - Of course, it's real! - Can I just ask a question, before Jon drinks this? - Yeah.
- If he dies, do we get sort of an aggregate score? - No.
I can't do this on my own.
I love ouzo.
Imagine if I'm about to invent a thing! - So, this is ouzo and pickle juice.
- Ouzo and pickle juice.
- All right, let's see.
Down in one.
- To a happy marriage.
LAUGHTER RACHEL: You put them together?! - Now, that's rank.
- It's fine.
LAUGHTER - Take the key.
- I'll take the key as well.
I'll keep trying it in doors.
What could go wrong? Stinking of ouzo and pickle juice, trying to get into people's houses.
Kevin, have you got a mascot? I brought this creepy bastard.
LAUGHTER What is it? I was at a Christmas Market last year and I got talking to this guy.
He had a stall there, makes stuff out of seashells.
And I felt really sorry for him, so I thought, "I'd better buy" something.
My wife has said, "That has got to leave the house," cos it terrifies her.
So, I just thought I'd bring it on Countdown and it's now Channel 4's problem.
There we go.
I'll maybe put it facing Victoria and Jon, just to sort of - intimidate them a wee bit.
- Yes.
- It's a pretty scary dude.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's more of a way of improving all our lives, Jimmy.
I've been looking at the health and safety regs around this building and this show, and, having looked, I'm amazed we're not all killed on a weekly basis.
This is a fucking death trap, this building.
So, I've done my training.
I'm now a fully-approved health and safety officer.
So, if you'll permit me to go around, I've got my health-and-safety hi-vis cardigan.
I do mainly old people's homes.
These are great, these.
I make these myself.
And they've cut road deaths in the over 70s by 40%.
Oh, my God.
I hate to say this, but that really suits you.
Thank you.
So, I've been having a look, this is the first problem.
This is like sitting under a guillotine every week.
Look how sharp that point is.
And that swings around onto MY head.
It doesn't come near you.
So, I had no choice but to provide myself with a hard-hat.
So, that's not a problem any more.
Then I And this is a true fact.
If you have more than ten or more employees, you are legally obliged to have an accident and incident logbook, and I've never been shown ours, and I know you've got probably got ten or more staff, so I got one for you as well, - to just have at the house.
- LAUGHTER The next problem is you, Susie, with that death trap in front of you, - the dictionary.
- Yeah.
- We all know how easily a paper cut can happen, so I've got you some oven gloves.
If you don't mind wearing those, just at any point where that's Who thought I was going to get that on the desk? I feel so masculine.
Rachel, you've got quite a lot going on there, so - Good to get some exercise, isn't it? Some safety goggles there - Thanks.
.
.
just in case anything sort of falls off or comes near you.
Very masculine run, Jon.
- LAUGHTER - That's my, er APPLAUSE These things are bloody dangerous, aren't they? You never know, you're having a drink and, then, all of a sudden, - you put your cup down and - Ooh! LAUGHTER So, I got everyone a little sippy cup.
A Countdown sippy cup! And then, finally, looking at the statistics on how many panel-show comedians are killed each year in chair-based falls, absolutely shocking.
None so far, but I'm not going to be the first.
- So, I got myself - LAUGHTER Let's Countdown.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
You know you get those brown signs and you're driving through somewhere and it says, a brown sign, and it says, "Go and visit," like, you know, there'll be like a sort of farming museum, - and you always go, it's always shit, isn't it? - Yeah.
And you think, "Why did you lure me down?" So, I thought I'd come up with some alternative brown signs of things you do want to see, you do want to know when you're driving around and also things you want to avoid.
Like this one, you know, there's, "Don't stop".
LAUGHTER - "It's a rubbish walk, avoid.
" - Mm.
Sometimes, you know, you want to stop for a pee, you want to stop in a good spot.
So, you know, you look LAUGHTER The scenic pissing spot.
There we go.
Hey, you got lucky.
Here's where to go for cheap weed.
LAUGHTER That wayfor the cheep weed.
What about this? Porn hedge.
LAUGHTER That's a place where people discard porn.
What about this one? "Childish photo opportunity, 300 yards.
" You know, something childish, and here would be the photo.
LAUGHTER You'd be there, going This one, "Affable bloke, next exit.
" LAUGHTER Oh, just coming up, there's a prison.
LAUGHTER Who wouldn't want to stop near a prison full of serial killers? You know, "Just up there, it's just full of serial killers," and you'd just drive tentatively up to it, wouldn't you? Or this one, this one would be quite popular for some people.
LAUGHTER "Woods for men.
" You know, like, the sort of woods that men like tohang out in.
LAUGHTER There he is, looking for a friend.
So, that's my mascot, Jimmy.
Sean's signs, everyone.
APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Spencer Jones! Hello.
APPLAUSE Lovely to have you here, Spencer.
What have you been up to since you were last on, Spencer? I've been trying to persuade my agent to get me some more acting roles playing hard men.
For some reason, I get a lot of, you know, opportunities playing dickheads and, so, I wanted to sort of show you my hard man stuff, if that's all - right? - Yeah, that'd be great.
- It's a guy who's Well, he's scoping out a bank.
He's thinking of doing a bank job.
Got that.
IN A GRUFF VOICE: Yeah, security guard there.
It's going to be 90 seconds before we get to the van.
Are you ready? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER It's good, innit? Oh, yeah, I'm ready.
It's just that, basically.
LAUGHTER 30 quid, that cost.
See you in Hollywood.
And with Spencer Jones, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not saying Susie spends a lot of time satisfying the needs of drivers on the A34, but she's LAUGHTER .
.
but she's now technically classed as a service station.
AUDIENCE GROANS - Susie.
- Yeah.
- Do you get a lot of letters from viewers, Susie? I used to get really sweet letters, like, you know, "What's the collective noun for ravens?" or annoying comedians, or lexicographers, or something.
And now, thanks to you, Jimmy, I got one from an 11-year-old girl and her classmates the other day, saying, "We thought of you "immediately because we're doing a presentation and it's on "the history of handcuffs.
" I don't think I don't think everyone knows about - what we get up to.
- OK.
- LAUGHTER And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! Rachel, how is your Russian coming along? I'm a little bit rusty because I only really practise when I see Pasha's family.
So, I saw his mum over the summer and when I'm tired and a bit jet lagged, it's even worse.
So, we just flew in to see her, and he said he looked really tired, him and his mum, and I said Well, I wanted to say, "Yeah, I can see your eyes look red," which would be SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN - .
.
and what I actually said was - SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN .
.
and what I said in front of his mum was, "Yes, I can see your balls look red.
LAUGHTER Yeah, that would explain the tiredness.
OK.
Tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown Hosepipe.
LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
- Jon, Victoria, you get the first pick of the letters.
- You pick.
Er, a vowel, please, Rachel.
I had to take the corners off your letters.
LAUGHTER - Thanks, Jon.
- Deathtrap over there.
Can't have you working in that.
E A consonant, please.
S Another consonant, please.
R SEAN: Oh, for crying out loud.
A vowel, please.
It's good to be safe, though, isn't it? A Consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
I And a consonant.
N And a consonant.
D And a vowel, please.
And the last one A And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
THEY SING OPERATICALLY THEY SING OPERATICALLY CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, there's perks to presenting.
Er, Jon, how many? - Eight.
- Victoria? - Eight.
- Sean? Er, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
OK.
Kevin? A risky seven.
It's a guaranteed six, but I might stick an S on there and, hopefully, it works, so You're like a danger freak.
OK, what's your seven? Well, I was going to go for TINDER and then I just thought I'd stick an S in.
- SUSIE: TINDERS? - TINDERS.
It's only a mass noun, which means you can't put the S on it.
- Six, Jimmy.
- LAUGHTER TINDER TINDER.
OK.
Sean, your seven? STAINED Nice.
Victoria, your eight? RANDIES Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Jon, your eight? Well, I had RANDIEST as well.
OK, so 8 points to Jon and Victoria.
APPLAUSE Spencer Jones.
Could they have done any better, Spencer? There is a nine.
How do I say it again? - STERADIAN.
- STERADIAN.
It's a unit of solid angle, equal to the angle at the centre of a sphere sub-dented by a part of the surface equal in area to - the square of the radius.
- Oh, STERADIAN! Yes! A nine-letter word.
Susie Dent, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Onto our first numbers round.
Sean and Kevin, your turn to pick the numbers.
The usual, please, Rachel.
Two big ones, four little ones, and, especially for Sean And the target And your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 859.
Sean, did you get it? Er, no.
- OK.
Kevin, did you get it? - 850.
- 850? OK.
Nine away.
Jon, did you get it? I think I got 858.
One away.
Victoria, did you get it? - No, I'm miles away.
869.
- Well, Jon's only one away.
So, how did you get one away, Jon? Well, I did 100 + 25 Yep.
X 7 6 x 3 = 18 - 1 = 17 - Yeah.
- And then take that away.
- Yeah.
That's seven points.
- That's really good.
- But how could it be done? 100 + 25 - 1 = 124 x 7 Is? And then you just take the 6 and the 3 off and there you have it.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment are Sean and Kevin have no points, Jon and Victoria have 15.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are, CLEAN ROD.
The clue is, mine's full of holes.
That's CLEAN ROD, mine's full of holes.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were CLEAN ROD, the clue was - mine's full of holes.
It was of course colander.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Jon and Kevin.
So, Kevin, your turn to choose letters.
What do you reckon? Got a usual? I reckon you've got to trust yourself.
Trust yourself.
- Consonant.
- Consonant.
M Consonant.
S Eh, consonant again, please.
Eh, vowel.
U - Eh, another vowel.
- E.
Three consonants.
H N - D.
- And a vowel.
And, I.
OK, and your time starts now.
Ooh.
Lovely.
Yeah, that's I mean, it's not perfect but I think I've done a pretty good AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE Well, I've made a I've made a little cheese sculpture.
I've done one of you as well, Sean.
I did one earlier of you.
Here it is.
I did yours out of Stilton.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS That's fucking amazing.
It's quite nice.
Do you want that, Sean? Do I want that? AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Yeah, no, I'd really like that.
- I made one of Jon as well.
It's going to be a fucking Babybel, isn't it? AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE I know the Stilton one isn't quite as flattering but it really captures your veins and crow's feet.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS He's like Nanna's thigh.
AUDIENCE GROANS If anything, I'd be one of those cheeses which have lots of red in it, rather than the blue.
I haven't got a varicose face.
That's a bit more like my arse.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I've got cheese and crackers for everyone.
Cheese and crackers! Er, Kevin how many? Seven.
Aw, thanks very much, mate.
Jimmy, what you haven't got is crackers.
There's no spare crackers.
I'll deal with it, Sean.
Not a problem.
My apologies.
You fuckers bring some biscuits! AUDIENCE LAUGHS Some fucking biscuits.
There's men working over here! There's no fucking crackers! It's like Wallace and Gromit, X rated.
"We've got the fucking crackers, Gromit.
" AUDIENCE LAUGHS What does the V mean? Could you just explain that? - Vegan.
- Vegan.
It's actually made out of the stuff that comes out of my nose.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Oh, yeah, you can do that, yeah.
Yeah, nose cheese.
I suppose that's not vegan, is it? Well, no animals were harmed.
JON: It's not the reason I wouldn't eat it.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Can I ask quickly, are the grapes vegan, or did they come out of Kevin's arsehole? AUDIENCE LAUGHS I suffered terribly from piles in my - .
.
in my younger days.
- In your younger days? I contracted them in the Himalalas, Himalayans, Himalya.
- Well, It's the altitude, of course.
- It's the altitude.
And they were so bad I used to, in the morning I used to poke them back up with a stick.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS It's the only way I could make the ascent.
Victoria, are you OK? I'm not sure this is for me.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Well, they won't talk about it on the news.
JON: No.
So we've got to talk about it here.
Yeah.
You're right, you're right.
They're all talking about all the Brexit stuff and all that boring shit.
This is more important than what's going on in Europe.
But a similar debate about in or out and which is best.
SEAN: It affects me! AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE - OK, Jon, how many letters? - I'll stick with a safe seven.
- You've got a safe seven? - Yeah.
OK, Kevin, what have you got? He got seven as well.
You've got seven as well? Oh, what's was your seven, Kevin? SHUNTED SHUNTED? As in - the rectologist shunted the haemorrhoid back into the anal cavity.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS You could say.
APPLAUSE Jon, what was your seven? Well, I also got SHUNTED.
OK, Spencer Jones, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Uh, no, it was all sevens.
There was MIND-SET, MINUTED, and what is that word there? - MEHNDIS, which are Henna tattoos.
- Oh, right.
OK, so at the end of that, Kevin and Sean have 7.
Jon and Victoria have 22.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Sean and Victoria to go head-to-head.
Victoria, your turn to pick the numbers.
I have to do the numbers by myself? Yeah, but it's only against Sean.
Don't worry about it.
I'm terrible at Eeh, I'm very bad at the numbers.
God.
Do the easiest.
Will you do whatever's the easiest, please? In honour of our conversation, I think we should only have one from the bottom.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS No, there's usually more than one Jon.
JON: Is there? Oh, yes.
- I've had seven or eight down there.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS I'll have some numbers, please, quickly.
One big one and five small ones please.
We've got 3, 7, 7, 1, 8 and 50.
And the target, 561.
OK, and your time starts now.
Sean, did you get it? I got 560.
Victoria, did you get it? No, I might have 560.
Victoria, how did you get your 560? I think, 8 + 3 x 50.
- You went around the houses here.
Go on.
- 550.
Does that make 510? What? Does it? Yeah, no.
OK, Sean, how did you get it? 7 - 1 Yeah.
No, then add it to 50.
Very good, Rachel.
Well done, you're coming on.
- Thanks, Sean! - AUDIENCE LAUGHS 7 + 3 - Yeah.
- Times that by 56.
- Yeah, 560.
- 560.
Yeah, that's definitely not what I did.
APPLAUSE Seven points for Sean.
Rachel, could it, could it be done? Yeah, it's really close to Victoria's method.
But if you say, 8 + 3 = 11 50 + 1 = 51 and times those together, you get 561.
APPLAUSE OK, time go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Spencer Jones, what have you got for us? Erm, uh, I've got this, err Oh, two, one, two, hello.
Erm, do you remember my mum? Do you remember? Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # You remember my mum, you remember my mum, you remember my mum.
- # Do you remember my mum? - ELECTRONIC BEAT PLAYS # Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? It's a bike pump.
BIKE PIMP HISSES TO THE RHYTHM # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? HE VOCALISES # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? HE BEATBOXES # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair # Wears too much lipstick # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair, wears too much lipstick # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair, wears too much lipstick # Walks with a limp # Long hair, wears too much lipstick, walks with a limp # Borderline racist # long hair, wears too much lipstick, walks with a limp Borderline racist.
It's not actually about my mum.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE Sorry, sorry, the phone's ringing.
Ring-ring.
Ring-ring.
Hello.
Yeah, I'm just there now.
Sorry, was that - just do a quick visual gag, get them back on side? All right, then, OK.
All right, mum.
OK, bye.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Chatterbox! AUDIENCE LAUGHS Spencer Jones! APPLAUSE - It's really annoyingly catchy.
- Yeah.
It's in my head now and I have a feeling it's going to be there some time.
Yeah, when you're driving along.
Can you remember my mum? Uuh! AUDIENCE LAUGHS She's really got the hump about it as well? AUDIENCE LAUGHS I think she'd be disappointed.
Oh, dear.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Oh, dear, does Mummy not like it? Well, get over it, mate? AUDIENCE LAUGHS How did you happen to have those there? I've got a backup, mate.
I've got backup just in case.
The scores at the moment - Sean and Kevin have 14.
Jon and Victoria are on 22.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are NUDE LIST.
The clue is - how dare you? That's NUDE LIST - how dare you? See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease.
The words were nude list, the clue was 'how dare you?' It was, of course, insulted.
OK, time for a quick bonus round.
Victoria hosts Only Connect, the toughest quiz on TV.
So, we thought we'd do our own version.
Let's play 'Didn't Go To University Challenge'.
OK, your first question.
This question tests your geography knowledge.
Which of the following is not a real place? Is it A, Big Beaver, B, Bitch Mountain, C, Castle Knob, D, Windy Poop, E, Titty Hill? Big Beaver seems pretty, pretty real.
I'm so thrown that you haven't included Sandy Balls.
I've never seen a list of funny geographical names that didn't include Sandy Balls.
OK, so Jon and Victoria, what is your answer? We'll um, uh, Victoria's put D or E.
And I felt for E.
- So, we'll go for - You think Titty Hill.
- Titty Hill.
- OK, Sean, Kevin? - We've gone for Titty Hill as well.
So, you're both going for Titty Hill? Shall we change now, make it interesting? - I'm happy with Windy Poop.
- OK, we'll go for Windy Poop.
You've gone for Windy Poop, you've gone for Titty Hill.
Well, I can tell you the place there that isn't real is Windy Poop.
Points to Jon and Victoria.
APPLAUSE Big Beaver is a hamlet in Canada.
Of course it is.
Bitch Mountain is the highest summit in New York state.
Castle Knob is in Staffordshire.
And Titty Hill is in West Sussex.
Time for our music round.
All you have to do is guess what tune Fabio is playing on his glockenspiel.
Take it away Fabio.
Well, that's wrong, isn't it? LAUGHTER The very start, it sounds like he's doing the Rivers of Babylon but then it just goes to shit, so I don't know if it's a really bad version.
- It's not the Rivers of Babylon? - It's not the Rivers of Babylon, no.
I mean you'll be You'll kick yourself.
Go on, go again.
Until then and then it just goes away.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
# You and I belong toget - Home and Away.
- # You and I belong together - Home and Away theme tune.
- That's correct Kevin, yes.
Well done, well done.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, that applause was a little bit weak considering that's a week of his life.
OK, so, we have a deciding question, a question as old as time.
What's taller, Jon Richardson or 99 urinal cakes? LAUGHTER This is very sexist question.
I don't need something to aim at when I wee.
That's what those things are, right? No, this is for snacking.
LAUGHTER Have you ever seen this thing? Yeah, they're like little blue About that size.
99 and then Jon is 5'2".
Sean's just asked me how big I reckon a urinal cake is.
I'd say about two centimetres.
Yeah, but don't tell them that.
Ah.
I'm gonna go with urinal cake.
You're going urinal cakes are taller.
I mean, just on a matter of pride, I would back myself anyway.
So, you're going taller.
Sean, you're going shorter.
Well, let's test.
God, it's a proud moment in any man's career.
Bring on the urinal cakes! Jon, get up there.
Get up there, you tiny little fella.
Oh, Jesus, the smell off them! It's just hit me.
That's my aftershave.
Domestos for men! - A little bit closer to the - No, he's taller.
Oh, I think Jon's taller than that.
And what? And what? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's right, Jon's the winner there.
Somehow.
Jon and Victoria, you have five bonus points! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Victoria, your turn to choose the letters.
It's a real treat to know Imagine how many men on the planet know how tall they are in relation to a hundred urinal cakes.
I feel quite honoured.
And I feel big.
- Who's picking these letters? - You pick them.
I'm picking these letters.
Will you now use that as the method when people ask? - How tall, are you? - About 104 urinal cakes.
I'll probably just say, "Come to the toilet and I'll show you!" LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
- G.
- And a vowel, please.
A.
And a vowel, please.
O.
And a vowel, please.
E.
And a consonant, please.
B.
And a consonant, please.
C.
And a consonant, please.
That vegan cheese.
K.
Comes back, doesn't it? And a consonant, please.
M.
And a whatever you want.
And a, another O.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, Jon, how many letters? Let's try seven.
- And Victoria? - Six.
- Six.
Kevin? I've got cock and knob, and I'm trying to find one more penis synonym, and then I'll be happy with that.
No, I'll go for a five.
- Sean? - Four.
- Four.
What is your four-letter word? - Book, Jimmy.
- Book? - Yeah, book.
OK, Kevin, your five.
Gecko.
- That sounds great in your accent.
- Gecko? Yes, I'll phone you up some nights and whisper it on the phone, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER Gecko.
Victoria, your six.
- Beacon.
- Beacon.
Solid.
And Jon, your seven? Bonkage.
LAUGHTER Bonkage, and that's kind of what you get at the weekend, is it? - Yeah, that's - Get a bit of bonkage in.
- A nice bit of bonkage.
That was a nice bit of bonkage, that.
Well, you won't be surprised to know it was the first thing I looked up - and it's not in.
- Ah.
- I'm sorry.
That's what she says.
LAUGHTER OK well, six points to Victoria.
APPLAUSE Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
Just beckon was also another six.
- Yeah.
Could we have done any worse? Could've had book.
- Book.
- Yeah.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Victoria are in the lead with 33 points.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
Spencer Jones, what have you got for us? I've brought my son with me.
LAUGHTER Ah, shit.
He's a very aggressive child.
He's like that all the time, you know and I said, "We've gotta take him to the doctor.
" and the doctor's like, "No, it's fine, it's normal.
" I said, "He's not normal, he's like that all the time and he's angry basically.
He's angry because he's got a very long neck.
" LAUGHTER And he can't scratch his ears! What he can do, put him up like that and then, "you all right, mate?" "Yeah, yeah.
" "Did you have a nice time on the helicopter?" LAUGHTER Argh! Sorry.
Spencer Jones, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are 'slip a nut'.
The clue is, 'you always need two'.
That's, slip a nut.
You always need two.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SLIP A NUT, the clue was, "You always need two".
It was, of course, NUPTIALS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Kevin, your turn to choose.
The vowel, please.
- A.
- The consonant.
L.
The vowel.
- U.
- A consonant.
- T.
- A vowel.
- A.
- Consonant.
- S.
- Consonant.
L.
Consonant.
- F.
- Vowel.
- E.
- And your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Susie, I'm sure you're aware you just hit got by a meteorite, but where were Health and Safety? That's what I wanna know.
That's actually all fine, that, what just happened there.
- Sean, how many did you get? - I got a six.
- Six, OK.
Kevin? - Seven.
- Victoria? - Well, see, I've got a safe seven and a risky eight, so - Oh - Ask Jon first.
Ask Jon first.
- Jon? I've got a safe seven and a risky eight.
Well, go for your eight.
Come on.
I think your seven's safer than mine.
- So I'll go for the risky eight.
- OK.
- You've got 33, they've got 14.
- I'm gonna go with seven.
- Sean, your six.
- TASSLE.
- You put them on your nipples.
- You put them on your nipples.
Yeah, that's fine.
How are you spelling it? T-A, double S, L-E.
There's only one S.
Well, luckily, I don't give a shit.
- OK, Kevin, your seven.
- FULLEST.
To be the most full, filled.
- Very good.
- Fullest, OK, good, very good.
- Victoria, your seven.
- I've got FULLEST as well.
What's your eight, Jon? Well, you know how you get something that's highfalutin, but I don't know what to "falute" is.
So I've put FALUTES.
Er, no is the answer.
Well, seven points to both teams.
Spencer Jones, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? No, we only had one other seven, which was SULFATE.
That was it.
OK, so Kevin and Sean have 21.
Jon and Victoria have 40.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BELL RINGS - Sean.
- ROYALMINT.
I was gonnae say that as well, but it's two.
That's not it.
Go again.
ROYALMINT! The only change is one letter.
BUZZER Jon.
- NORMALITY.
- Oh, that's it.
- Wow.
- Let's have a look and see.
- That's got to be it.
Beautiful.
Yes, it is.
So the final scores are, Kevin and Sean have 21, Jon and Victoria have 50.
So congratulations to you, Jon and Victoria.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown hosepipe! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson .
.
Sean Lock .
.
Victoria Coren Mitchell .
.
Kevin Bridges .
.
Spencer Jones .
.
Susie Dent .
.
Rachel Riley .
.
and your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
This is the show that loves late-night digits even more than your mum.
LAUGHTER OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE Sean is a handsome, charismatic sex symbol, perhaps most famous for his work in La La Land.
I've got Ryan Gosling's card.
Sean is a grumpy old man.
LAUGHTER And joining Sean tonight is Kevin Bridges! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Kevin got married this year in Scotland.
There was a free bar, everyone was doing shots, downing pints, and dancing on the tables.
Then they finished breakfast and went to the church and got married.
Up against them this evening is team captain Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon and his wife enjoy making lists of things they're scared might kill them.
Top of his wife's list - boredom.
LAUGHTER Because you are boring, Jon LAUGHTER .
.
so it's funny.
And Jon's team-mate, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
Victoria hosts Only Connect.
I love Only Connect.
It's like a big pub quiz, but without any of that annoying alcohol, atmosphere or fun.
LAUGHTER Kevin, what advice would you give your younger self? Well, it depends how young.
Like, my two-year-old self, I would say, like, stop pissing the bed and shitting yourself.
But with my teenage self, what advice would I give? - Yeah.
- I would say, introduce more fibre to your diet LAUGHTER .
.
reduce your caffeine intake, and don't strain too hard during a bowel movement, because if alcohol and drugs don't get you, haemorrhoids will.
LAUGHTER Is your diet better now? No, it's fine, I just had a tougha tough summer.
Apparently, I strained the fissure nerve.
It's a small bit of the anus.
So, I had to go to an rectologist, which is a very niche - What a - LAUGHTER .
.
what a thing to specialise in.
The guy specialises inthe arse, so I had to go to the doctor and I would recommend him for all your For all your needs.
So, I thought I'd give him a plug on Countdown.
LAUGHTER Sean, up toup to anything interesting lately? Well, Jimmy, as you know, I spend a lot of time in my lab.
I thought the RSPCA had banned you from having dogs.
Well, er LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Now, I'm always thinking up ways, like, what I think, Jimmy, is I'm always looking for a gap, you know, so I can fill it.
And what I saw was, I realised that most bathroom products are kind of fruit-based, aren't they? They're fruity, you know, they're, like, peach and pear and lemon.
There's a little bit of pine.
So, I thought, "Time to come up with more savoury bathroom products.
" So, I've created a salt-and-vinegar talc - .
.
which is quite lively - LAUGHTER .
.
a full-English shower gel .
.
I do a bolognese shampoo .
.
garlic toilet roll is very I'm very pleased with that.
That does a lovely job cos the area's already quite gamey, I find.
I think the garlic .
.
the garlic works beautifully.
- It brings out the flavour.
- Oh, absolutely, Jimmy.
So, that's what I'vethat's what I've been working on, Jimmy.
- in my lab.
- OK.
Victoria, what things in life really excite you? Oh, a lot of things.
If you mean in a nice way, Christmas, and free pens, and .
.
finding a fiver in your pocket you've forgotten about, or a PG Wodehouse you hadn't read.
Or, if it's a sex thing, then maybe watching two men go at it LAUGHTER .
.
or erotic spanking.
I'm really into that.
LAUGHTER Good to know.
Maybe a little bit of an overshare, but, no He talked about having piles! No, it was actually a torn fissure nerve.
LAUGHTER I don't want to be misquoted when it comes to my rectal issues.
- Jon.
- Hello.
- How's married life going? - JON LAUGHS - We've been together - to the point where we can have a good - argument on the phone now.
We don't have to just do it live.
And she rang me last week to ask me where the cinnamon was and I think she wanted a slightly more constructive answer than the one she got, which is, "About 100 miles from where I am "and somewhere within half a metre of where you are.
" LAUGHTER "So, why don't you tell me where the cinnamon is?" And in the house, it's just niceit's nice to realise how insane you are, because I lived on my own for a long time and I picked up some habits that I didn't know I did until living with someone else and it turns out I sort of sashay up the stairs, sideways, and I do this with my hands as well and I didn't know that, until I did it a few months ago, and I heard, "What the hell are you doing?" But you know, that's toxic masculinity, isn't it? I've got to be a real man at all times.
You're damned if you, damned if you don't.
Yeah, it's a bit camp using the stairs.
I don't use the stairs.
I just kick the living room window out and I throw a grappling hook up to the bedroom, and I climb up like that, because otherwise she won't respect me.
- Yeah.
- APPLAUSE Victoria, have you got a mascot? I genuinely found it quite sexy when you talked about throwing a grappling hook and then climbing up the thing.
- My husband doesn't do that.
- LAUGHTER - A mascot? Yes.
- OK.
- Well, not just a mascot, several mascots.
- Right.
- Last time I came here, I brought some unrecyclable plastic and it somehow got left behind.
That worked very well for me.
So, before coming this time, I looked around the house for other things that I don't really want to keep, - but I would feel guilty to throw away.
- Right.
I have got Well, this, this is some gherkins.
I don't know where they date from, but they never go off.
But there comes a point when you think, "I really don't "want to eat them," but you can't throw them, people are starving, so to bin them would be terrible, so they just sit forever in the fridge.
Similarly, a panettone.
Nobody likes these.
They just exist to be given to people.
You get them as a gift.
You know, this has been around for maybe 20 We don't even know if there's a panettone inside.
- It could be a human head.
- LAUGHTER It's a food that nobody would ever .
.
would ever want to eat.
Similarly, ouzo.
Ouzo.
So, this I won in a raffle.
I came down one day, some of it was missing and the cat was dead.
- The name, ouzo.
Ouzo sounds like one of Kevin's symptoms.
- Yeah.
It's not all food.
I've got a key.
You can't throw away a key.
It could be for something useful.
I don't know what it's for.
I can't chuck it.
So, stuff you can't throw away, but you want to throw away.
I would feel guilty throwing it away.
The key I'm really disturbed by cos I sort of feel like you might have - a basement you don't know about.
- It could be - It could be I mean - You know that cup wasn't? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, yeah! But all of these things Got to drink gherkin juice throughout the show.
Drink gherkin juice and ouzo and see how it affects your performance.
- I'll do an ouzo and a pickle juice.
- Good luck.
- Jon wants to drink - ouzo and pickle juice.
- Oh, that's real! - Of course, it's real! - Can I just ask a question, before Jon drinks this? - Yeah.
- If he dies, do we get sort of an aggregate score? - No.
I can't do this on my own.
I love ouzo.
Imagine if I'm about to invent a thing! - So, this is ouzo and pickle juice.
- Ouzo and pickle juice.
- All right, let's see.
Down in one.
- To a happy marriage.
LAUGHTER RACHEL: You put them together?! - Now, that's rank.
- It's fine.
LAUGHTER - Take the key.
- I'll take the key as well.
I'll keep trying it in doors.
What could go wrong? Stinking of ouzo and pickle juice, trying to get into people's houses.
Kevin, have you got a mascot? I brought this creepy bastard.
LAUGHTER What is it? I was at a Christmas Market last year and I got talking to this guy.
He had a stall there, makes stuff out of seashells.
And I felt really sorry for him, so I thought, "I'd better buy" something.
My wife has said, "That has got to leave the house," cos it terrifies her.
So, I just thought I'd bring it on Countdown and it's now Channel 4's problem.
There we go.
I'll maybe put it facing Victoria and Jon, just to sort of - intimidate them a wee bit.
- Yes.
- It's a pretty scary dude.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's more of a way of improving all our lives, Jimmy.
I've been looking at the health and safety regs around this building and this show, and, having looked, I'm amazed we're not all killed on a weekly basis.
This is a fucking death trap, this building.
So, I've done my training.
I'm now a fully-approved health and safety officer.
So, if you'll permit me to go around, I've got my health-and-safety hi-vis cardigan.
I do mainly old people's homes.
These are great, these.
I make these myself.
And they've cut road deaths in the over 70s by 40%.
Oh, my God.
I hate to say this, but that really suits you.
Thank you.
So, I've been having a look, this is the first problem.
This is like sitting under a guillotine every week.
Look how sharp that point is.
And that swings around onto MY head.
It doesn't come near you.
So, I had no choice but to provide myself with a hard-hat.
So, that's not a problem any more.
Then I And this is a true fact.
If you have more than ten or more employees, you are legally obliged to have an accident and incident logbook, and I've never been shown ours, and I know you've got probably got ten or more staff, so I got one for you as well, - to just have at the house.
- LAUGHTER The next problem is you, Susie, with that death trap in front of you, - the dictionary.
- Yeah.
- We all know how easily a paper cut can happen, so I've got you some oven gloves.
If you don't mind wearing those, just at any point where that's Who thought I was going to get that on the desk? I feel so masculine.
Rachel, you've got quite a lot going on there, so - Good to get some exercise, isn't it? Some safety goggles there - Thanks.
.
.
just in case anything sort of falls off or comes near you.
Very masculine run, Jon.
- LAUGHTER - That's my, er APPLAUSE These things are bloody dangerous, aren't they? You never know, you're having a drink and, then, all of a sudden, - you put your cup down and - Ooh! LAUGHTER So, I got everyone a little sippy cup.
A Countdown sippy cup! And then, finally, looking at the statistics on how many panel-show comedians are killed each year in chair-based falls, absolutely shocking.
None so far, but I'm not going to be the first.
- So, I got myself - LAUGHTER Let's Countdown.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
You know you get those brown signs and you're driving through somewhere and it says, a brown sign, and it says, "Go and visit," like, you know, there'll be like a sort of farming museum, - and you always go, it's always shit, isn't it? - Yeah.
And you think, "Why did you lure me down?" So, I thought I'd come up with some alternative brown signs of things you do want to see, you do want to know when you're driving around and also things you want to avoid.
Like this one, you know, there's, "Don't stop".
LAUGHTER - "It's a rubbish walk, avoid.
" - Mm.
Sometimes, you know, you want to stop for a pee, you want to stop in a good spot.
So, you know, you look LAUGHTER The scenic pissing spot.
There we go.
Hey, you got lucky.
Here's where to go for cheap weed.
LAUGHTER That wayfor the cheep weed.
What about this? Porn hedge.
LAUGHTER That's a place where people discard porn.
What about this one? "Childish photo opportunity, 300 yards.
" You know, something childish, and here would be the photo.
LAUGHTER You'd be there, going This one, "Affable bloke, next exit.
" LAUGHTER Oh, just coming up, there's a prison.
LAUGHTER Who wouldn't want to stop near a prison full of serial killers? You know, "Just up there, it's just full of serial killers," and you'd just drive tentatively up to it, wouldn't you? Or this one, this one would be quite popular for some people.
LAUGHTER "Woods for men.
" You know, like, the sort of woods that men like tohang out in.
LAUGHTER There he is, looking for a friend.
So, that's my mascot, Jimmy.
Sean's signs, everyone.
APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Spencer Jones! Hello.
APPLAUSE Lovely to have you here, Spencer.
What have you been up to since you were last on, Spencer? I've been trying to persuade my agent to get me some more acting roles playing hard men.
For some reason, I get a lot of, you know, opportunities playing dickheads and, so, I wanted to sort of show you my hard man stuff, if that's all - right? - Yeah, that'd be great.
- It's a guy who's Well, he's scoping out a bank.
He's thinking of doing a bank job.
Got that.
IN A GRUFF VOICE: Yeah, security guard there.
It's going to be 90 seconds before we get to the van.
Are you ready? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER It's good, innit? Oh, yeah, I'm ready.
It's just that, basically.
LAUGHTER 30 quid, that cost.
See you in Hollywood.
And with Spencer Jones, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not saying Susie spends a lot of time satisfying the needs of drivers on the A34, but she's LAUGHTER .
.
but she's now technically classed as a service station.
AUDIENCE GROANS - Susie.
- Yeah.
- Do you get a lot of letters from viewers, Susie? I used to get really sweet letters, like, you know, "What's the collective noun for ravens?" or annoying comedians, or lexicographers, or something.
And now, thanks to you, Jimmy, I got one from an 11-year-old girl and her classmates the other day, saying, "We thought of you "immediately because we're doing a presentation and it's on "the history of handcuffs.
" I don't think I don't think everyone knows about - what we get up to.
- OK.
- LAUGHTER And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! Rachel, how is your Russian coming along? I'm a little bit rusty because I only really practise when I see Pasha's family.
So, I saw his mum over the summer and when I'm tired and a bit jet lagged, it's even worse.
So, we just flew in to see her, and he said he looked really tired, him and his mum, and I said Well, I wanted to say, "Yeah, I can see your eyes look red," which would be SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN - .
.
and what I actually said was - SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN .
.
and what I said in front of his mum was, "Yes, I can see your balls look red.
LAUGHTER Yeah, that would explain the tiredness.
OK.
Tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown Hosepipe.
LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
- Jon, Victoria, you get the first pick of the letters.
- You pick.
Er, a vowel, please, Rachel.
I had to take the corners off your letters.
LAUGHTER - Thanks, Jon.
- Deathtrap over there.
Can't have you working in that.
E A consonant, please.
S Another consonant, please.
R SEAN: Oh, for crying out loud.
A vowel, please.
It's good to be safe, though, isn't it? A Consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
I And a consonant.
N And a consonant.
D And a vowel, please.
And the last one A And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
THEY SING OPERATICALLY THEY SING OPERATICALLY CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, there's perks to presenting.
Er, Jon, how many? - Eight.
- Victoria? - Eight.
- Sean? Er, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
OK.
Kevin? A risky seven.
It's a guaranteed six, but I might stick an S on there and, hopefully, it works, so You're like a danger freak.
OK, what's your seven? Well, I was going to go for TINDER and then I just thought I'd stick an S in.
- SUSIE: TINDERS? - TINDERS.
It's only a mass noun, which means you can't put the S on it.
- Six, Jimmy.
- LAUGHTER TINDER TINDER.
OK.
Sean, your seven? STAINED Nice.
Victoria, your eight? RANDIES Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Jon, your eight? Well, I had RANDIEST as well.
OK, so 8 points to Jon and Victoria.
APPLAUSE Spencer Jones.
Could they have done any better, Spencer? There is a nine.
How do I say it again? - STERADIAN.
- STERADIAN.
It's a unit of solid angle, equal to the angle at the centre of a sphere sub-dented by a part of the surface equal in area to - the square of the radius.
- Oh, STERADIAN! Yes! A nine-letter word.
Susie Dent, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Onto our first numbers round.
Sean and Kevin, your turn to pick the numbers.
The usual, please, Rachel.
Two big ones, four little ones, and, especially for Sean And the target And your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 859.
Sean, did you get it? Er, no.
- OK.
Kevin, did you get it? - 850.
- 850? OK.
Nine away.
Jon, did you get it? I think I got 858.
One away.
Victoria, did you get it? - No, I'm miles away.
869.
- Well, Jon's only one away.
So, how did you get one away, Jon? Well, I did 100 + 25 Yep.
X 7 6 x 3 = 18 - 1 = 17 - Yeah.
- And then take that away.
- Yeah.
That's seven points.
- That's really good.
- But how could it be done? 100 + 25 - 1 = 124 x 7 Is? And then you just take the 6 and the 3 off and there you have it.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment are Sean and Kevin have no points, Jon and Victoria have 15.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are, CLEAN ROD.
The clue is, mine's full of holes.
That's CLEAN ROD, mine's full of holes.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were CLEAN ROD, the clue was - mine's full of holes.
It was of course colander.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Jon and Kevin.
So, Kevin, your turn to choose letters.
What do you reckon? Got a usual? I reckon you've got to trust yourself.
Trust yourself.
- Consonant.
- Consonant.
M Consonant.
S Eh, consonant again, please.
Eh, vowel.
U - Eh, another vowel.
- E.
Three consonants.
H N - D.
- And a vowel.
And, I.
OK, and your time starts now.
Ooh.
Lovely.
Yeah, that's I mean, it's not perfect but I think I've done a pretty good AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE Well, I've made a I've made a little cheese sculpture.
I've done one of you as well, Sean.
I did one earlier of you.
Here it is.
I did yours out of Stilton.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS That's fucking amazing.
It's quite nice.
Do you want that, Sean? Do I want that? AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Yeah, no, I'd really like that.
- I made one of Jon as well.
It's going to be a fucking Babybel, isn't it? AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE I know the Stilton one isn't quite as flattering but it really captures your veins and crow's feet.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS He's like Nanna's thigh.
AUDIENCE GROANS If anything, I'd be one of those cheeses which have lots of red in it, rather than the blue.
I haven't got a varicose face.
That's a bit more like my arse.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I've got cheese and crackers for everyone.
Cheese and crackers! Er, Kevin how many? Seven.
Aw, thanks very much, mate.
Jimmy, what you haven't got is crackers.
There's no spare crackers.
I'll deal with it, Sean.
Not a problem.
My apologies.
You fuckers bring some biscuits! AUDIENCE LAUGHS Some fucking biscuits.
There's men working over here! There's no fucking crackers! It's like Wallace and Gromit, X rated.
"We've got the fucking crackers, Gromit.
" AUDIENCE LAUGHS What does the V mean? Could you just explain that? - Vegan.
- Vegan.
It's actually made out of the stuff that comes out of my nose.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Oh, yeah, you can do that, yeah.
Yeah, nose cheese.
I suppose that's not vegan, is it? Well, no animals were harmed.
JON: It's not the reason I wouldn't eat it.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Can I ask quickly, are the grapes vegan, or did they come out of Kevin's arsehole? AUDIENCE LAUGHS I suffered terribly from piles in my - .
.
in my younger days.
- In your younger days? I contracted them in the Himalalas, Himalayans, Himalya.
- Well, It's the altitude, of course.
- It's the altitude.
And they were so bad I used to, in the morning I used to poke them back up with a stick.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS It's the only way I could make the ascent.
Victoria, are you OK? I'm not sure this is for me.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Well, they won't talk about it on the news.
JON: No.
So we've got to talk about it here.
Yeah.
You're right, you're right.
They're all talking about all the Brexit stuff and all that boring shit.
This is more important than what's going on in Europe.
But a similar debate about in or out and which is best.
SEAN: It affects me! AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE - OK, Jon, how many letters? - I'll stick with a safe seven.
- You've got a safe seven? - Yeah.
OK, Kevin, what have you got? He got seven as well.
You've got seven as well? Oh, what's was your seven, Kevin? SHUNTED SHUNTED? As in - the rectologist shunted the haemorrhoid back into the anal cavity.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS You could say.
APPLAUSE Jon, what was your seven? Well, I also got SHUNTED.
OK, Spencer Jones, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Uh, no, it was all sevens.
There was MIND-SET, MINUTED, and what is that word there? - MEHNDIS, which are Henna tattoos.
- Oh, right.
OK, so at the end of that, Kevin and Sean have 7.
Jon and Victoria have 22.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Sean and Victoria to go head-to-head.
Victoria, your turn to pick the numbers.
I have to do the numbers by myself? Yeah, but it's only against Sean.
Don't worry about it.
I'm terrible at Eeh, I'm very bad at the numbers.
God.
Do the easiest.
Will you do whatever's the easiest, please? In honour of our conversation, I think we should only have one from the bottom.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS No, there's usually more than one Jon.
JON: Is there? Oh, yes.
- I've had seven or eight down there.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS I'll have some numbers, please, quickly.
One big one and five small ones please.
We've got 3, 7, 7, 1, 8 and 50.
And the target, 561.
OK, and your time starts now.
Sean, did you get it? I got 560.
Victoria, did you get it? No, I might have 560.
Victoria, how did you get your 560? I think, 8 + 3 x 50.
- You went around the houses here.
Go on.
- 550.
Does that make 510? What? Does it? Yeah, no.
OK, Sean, how did you get it? 7 - 1 Yeah.
No, then add it to 50.
Very good, Rachel.
Well done, you're coming on.
- Thanks, Sean! - AUDIENCE LAUGHS 7 + 3 - Yeah.
- Times that by 56.
- Yeah, 560.
- 560.
Yeah, that's definitely not what I did.
APPLAUSE Seven points for Sean.
Rachel, could it, could it be done? Yeah, it's really close to Victoria's method.
But if you say, 8 + 3 = 11 50 + 1 = 51 and times those together, you get 561.
APPLAUSE OK, time go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Spencer Jones, what have you got for us? Erm, uh, I've got this, err Oh, two, one, two, hello.
Erm, do you remember my mum? Do you remember? Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # You remember my mum, you remember my mum, you remember my mum.
- # Do you remember my mum? - ELECTRONIC BEAT PLAYS # Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? It's a bike pump.
BIKE PIMP HISSES TO THE RHYTHM # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? HE VOCALISES # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? HE BEATBOXES # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair # Wears too much lipstick # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair, wears too much lipstick # Do you remember my mum? Do you remember my mum? # Long hair, wears too much lipstick # Walks with a limp # Long hair, wears too much lipstick, walks with a limp # Borderline racist # long hair, wears too much lipstick, walks with a limp Borderline racist.
It's not actually about my mum.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE Sorry, sorry, the phone's ringing.
Ring-ring.
Ring-ring.
Hello.
Yeah, I'm just there now.
Sorry, was that - just do a quick visual gag, get them back on side? All right, then, OK.
All right, mum.
OK, bye.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Chatterbox! AUDIENCE LAUGHS Spencer Jones! APPLAUSE - It's really annoyingly catchy.
- Yeah.
It's in my head now and I have a feeling it's going to be there some time.
Yeah, when you're driving along.
Can you remember my mum? Uuh! AUDIENCE LAUGHS She's really got the hump about it as well? AUDIENCE LAUGHS I think she'd be disappointed.
Oh, dear.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Oh, dear, does Mummy not like it? Well, get over it, mate? AUDIENCE LAUGHS How did you happen to have those there? I've got a backup, mate.
I've got backup just in case.
The scores at the moment - Sean and Kevin have 14.
Jon and Victoria are on 22.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are NUDE LIST.
The clue is - how dare you? That's NUDE LIST - how dare you? See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease.
The words were nude list, the clue was 'how dare you?' It was, of course, insulted.
OK, time for a quick bonus round.
Victoria hosts Only Connect, the toughest quiz on TV.
So, we thought we'd do our own version.
Let's play 'Didn't Go To University Challenge'.
OK, your first question.
This question tests your geography knowledge.
Which of the following is not a real place? Is it A, Big Beaver, B, Bitch Mountain, C, Castle Knob, D, Windy Poop, E, Titty Hill? Big Beaver seems pretty, pretty real.
I'm so thrown that you haven't included Sandy Balls.
I've never seen a list of funny geographical names that didn't include Sandy Balls.
OK, so Jon and Victoria, what is your answer? We'll um, uh, Victoria's put D or E.
And I felt for E.
- So, we'll go for - You think Titty Hill.
- Titty Hill.
- OK, Sean, Kevin? - We've gone for Titty Hill as well.
So, you're both going for Titty Hill? Shall we change now, make it interesting? - I'm happy with Windy Poop.
- OK, we'll go for Windy Poop.
You've gone for Windy Poop, you've gone for Titty Hill.
Well, I can tell you the place there that isn't real is Windy Poop.
Points to Jon and Victoria.
APPLAUSE Big Beaver is a hamlet in Canada.
Of course it is.
Bitch Mountain is the highest summit in New York state.
Castle Knob is in Staffordshire.
And Titty Hill is in West Sussex.
Time for our music round.
All you have to do is guess what tune Fabio is playing on his glockenspiel.
Take it away Fabio.
Well, that's wrong, isn't it? LAUGHTER The very start, it sounds like he's doing the Rivers of Babylon but then it just goes to shit, so I don't know if it's a really bad version.
- It's not the Rivers of Babylon? - It's not the Rivers of Babylon, no.
I mean you'll be You'll kick yourself.
Go on, go again.
Until then and then it just goes away.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
# You and I belong toget - Home and Away.
- # You and I belong together - Home and Away theme tune.
- That's correct Kevin, yes.
Well done, well done.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, that applause was a little bit weak considering that's a week of his life.
OK, so, we have a deciding question, a question as old as time.
What's taller, Jon Richardson or 99 urinal cakes? LAUGHTER This is very sexist question.
I don't need something to aim at when I wee.
That's what those things are, right? No, this is for snacking.
LAUGHTER Have you ever seen this thing? Yeah, they're like little blue About that size.
99 and then Jon is 5'2".
Sean's just asked me how big I reckon a urinal cake is.
I'd say about two centimetres.
Yeah, but don't tell them that.
Ah.
I'm gonna go with urinal cake.
You're going urinal cakes are taller.
I mean, just on a matter of pride, I would back myself anyway.
So, you're going taller.
Sean, you're going shorter.
Well, let's test.
God, it's a proud moment in any man's career.
Bring on the urinal cakes! Jon, get up there.
Get up there, you tiny little fella.
Oh, Jesus, the smell off them! It's just hit me.
That's my aftershave.
Domestos for men! - A little bit closer to the - No, he's taller.
Oh, I think Jon's taller than that.
And what? And what? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's right, Jon's the winner there.
Somehow.
Jon and Victoria, you have five bonus points! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Victoria, your turn to choose the letters.
It's a real treat to know Imagine how many men on the planet know how tall they are in relation to a hundred urinal cakes.
I feel quite honoured.
And I feel big.
- Who's picking these letters? - You pick them.
I'm picking these letters.
Will you now use that as the method when people ask? - How tall, are you? - About 104 urinal cakes.
I'll probably just say, "Come to the toilet and I'll show you!" LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
- G.
- And a vowel, please.
A.
And a vowel, please.
O.
And a vowel, please.
E.
And a consonant, please.
B.
And a consonant, please.
C.
And a consonant, please.
That vegan cheese.
K.
Comes back, doesn't it? And a consonant, please.
M.
And a whatever you want.
And a, another O.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, Jon, how many letters? Let's try seven.
- And Victoria? - Six.
- Six.
Kevin? I've got cock and knob, and I'm trying to find one more penis synonym, and then I'll be happy with that.
No, I'll go for a five.
- Sean? - Four.
- Four.
What is your four-letter word? - Book, Jimmy.
- Book? - Yeah, book.
OK, Kevin, your five.
Gecko.
- That sounds great in your accent.
- Gecko? Yes, I'll phone you up some nights and whisper it on the phone, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER Gecko.
Victoria, your six.
- Beacon.
- Beacon.
Solid.
And Jon, your seven? Bonkage.
LAUGHTER Bonkage, and that's kind of what you get at the weekend, is it? - Yeah, that's - Get a bit of bonkage in.
- A nice bit of bonkage.
That was a nice bit of bonkage, that.
Well, you won't be surprised to know it was the first thing I looked up - and it's not in.
- Ah.
- I'm sorry.
That's what she says.
LAUGHTER OK well, six points to Victoria.
APPLAUSE Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
Just beckon was also another six.
- Yeah.
Could we have done any worse? Could've had book.
- Book.
- Yeah.
So, at the end of that, Jon and Victoria are in the lead with 33 points.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
Spencer Jones, what have you got for us? I've brought my son with me.
LAUGHTER Ah, shit.
He's a very aggressive child.
He's like that all the time, you know and I said, "We've gotta take him to the doctor.
" and the doctor's like, "No, it's fine, it's normal.
" I said, "He's not normal, he's like that all the time and he's angry basically.
He's angry because he's got a very long neck.
" LAUGHTER And he can't scratch his ears! What he can do, put him up like that and then, "you all right, mate?" "Yeah, yeah.
" "Did you have a nice time on the helicopter?" LAUGHTER Argh! Sorry.
Spencer Jones, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are 'slip a nut'.
The clue is, 'you always need two'.
That's, slip a nut.
You always need two.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SLIP A NUT, the clue was, "You always need two".
It was, of course, NUPTIALS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Kevin, your turn to choose.
The vowel, please.
- A.
- The consonant.
L.
The vowel.
- U.
- A consonant.
- T.
- A vowel.
- A.
- Consonant.
- S.
- Consonant.
L.
Consonant.
- F.
- Vowel.
- E.
- And your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Susie, I'm sure you're aware you just hit got by a meteorite, but where were Health and Safety? That's what I wanna know.
That's actually all fine, that, what just happened there.
- Sean, how many did you get? - I got a six.
- Six, OK.
Kevin? - Seven.
- Victoria? - Well, see, I've got a safe seven and a risky eight, so - Oh - Ask Jon first.
Ask Jon first.
- Jon? I've got a safe seven and a risky eight.
Well, go for your eight.
Come on.
I think your seven's safer than mine.
- So I'll go for the risky eight.
- OK.
- You've got 33, they've got 14.
- I'm gonna go with seven.
- Sean, your six.
- TASSLE.
- You put them on your nipples.
- You put them on your nipples.
Yeah, that's fine.
How are you spelling it? T-A, double S, L-E.
There's only one S.
Well, luckily, I don't give a shit.
- OK, Kevin, your seven.
- FULLEST.
To be the most full, filled.
- Very good.
- Fullest, OK, good, very good.
- Victoria, your seven.
- I've got FULLEST as well.
What's your eight, Jon? Well, you know how you get something that's highfalutin, but I don't know what to "falute" is.
So I've put FALUTES.
Er, no is the answer.
Well, seven points to both teams.
Spencer Jones, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? No, we only had one other seven, which was SULFATE.
That was it.
OK, so Kevin and Sean have 21.
Jon and Victoria have 40.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BELL RINGS - Sean.
- ROYALMINT.
I was gonnae say that as well, but it's two.
That's not it.
Go again.
ROYALMINT! The only change is one letter.
BUZZER Jon.
- NORMALITY.
- Oh, that's it.
- Wow.
- Let's have a look and see.
- That's got to be it.
Beautiful.
Yes, it is.
So the final scores are, Kevin and Sean have 21, Jon and Victoria have 50.
So congratulations to you, Jon and Victoria.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown hosepipe! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!