American Dad s19e05 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Damn, it feels good to have
the old boardwalk back.
This place is awesome.
I used to dominate this
place as a teenager.
"Queen of the Boardwalk,"
I used to call me.
You know, these places are terrible
for the coastal environment.
[ALL GROAN]
Plus, the last two boardwalks
literally washed away.
Just seems like a big waste of money.
And besides, all these boards
are a major splinter hazard
for people, like me,
who exclusively
wear open-toed shoes,
a historically marginalized group.
Whoa, check out that guy's
package jiggling like crazy.
- Oh, yeah!
- [ALL CHEERING]
[WOLF-WHISTLING]
Um, welcome to the boardwalk.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
The Langley boardwalk's back,
featuring many old favorites,
like the Octocoaster
and Fudge-mania.
But also many new favorites.
Like a second Fudge-mania location
and Skimboardo's,
the exclusive new
restaurant on the pier.
Let's go now to the new
boardwalk's confident architect.
Thank you for coming to
what I can say, without a doubt,
is Langley Falls'
sturdiest boardwalk ever!
[ALL CHEERING]
And to make certain,
we drove the support beams
two miles down
into the Earth's core.
This baby ain't going nowhere.
Seems a little excessive.
Not to mention
- the mole people that must've been displaced.
- Shh!
And now, to hit
the ceremonial final spike,
opening us for business,
wrestling superstar,
and my personal friend,
Bret "the Hitman" Hart.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[LOUD RUMBLING]
- What was that rumble?
- Oh, I don't know, Hayley.
Maybe just Pro
Wrestling Illustrated's
most hated wrestler of 1997
kicking off the best
goddamned summer ever.
I'll catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna hit up some Skee-Ball.
Back in the day, I was nasty.
Anyway, I want to see if
the old man's still got his touch.
Give me that, bitch.
We've got to get
to Skimboardo's ASAP
- if we want to get a table.
- Rude.
- So, what are you
- I'm gonna go apply for my dream job.
Working at the
salt water taffy store.
Huh. I had no idea
that was your dream job.
Did you know taffy
was my favorite food?
No.
And did you know stores
are my favorite
places that sell things?
I I never No, I guess.
Then I understand your confusion.
Bye.
Actually, maybe I did know
stores are his favorite
places that sell things.
Anyway,
I'm gonna get some Dippin' Dots.
I'll find you when I'm done.
Ugh
Of course I pick today
to forget my Bow Biters.
I'm gonna be tying
these puppies all day.
Hey, pal.
Are you gonna be here for a second?
Do you mind
keeping an eye on my kid?
- I was actually just tying my shoes.
- Great. Thanks.
Yo.
Made a sick itinerary of my old faves.
Only playing the hits today.
A full henna sleeve,
loitering outside the boogie board shop.
And I think I'll start
with some boardwalk pizza.
Okay. See ya.
Oh, maybe I'll hang with you.
Ooh, I don't know.
I kind of wanted today to be fun.
Wha What? I'm fun.
Girl, have you heard
yourself this morning?
You're always looking for problems.
And I've been waiting 20 years for this.
Today, I'm Team Good Vibes only.
Come on, Mom. Give me a chance.
I'll be positive. I promise.
Oh, yeah? I've been thinking
about getting into fracking.
Oh tight.
And, oh, boy, was my dad screaming.
But my jaw had locked by that point,
so I couldn't have let go
even if I wanted to.
Enough. That story was fine for walking,
but we're here.
This place is buzzing.
But I've got a plan.
We're gonna tell them
we're dining here on business.
Oh-ho-ho. Genius.
Business is so important.
They'll have to respect that.
Hi. Hello.
My colleague and I would like
to dine here on business.
Well, we're all booked up for months,
but you're welcome to sit at the
bar and see if anything opens up.
Oh.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
I hear what you're saying.
And what's the status
on that table a-now?
The status is we're completely booked.
But you're welcome to wait at the bar.
What the hell? The bar?
What? Is the piss-soaked
bathroom floor already full?
Well, we can't leave now.
We're already a hundo in.
Fine. But I won't be showing
any bartenders my balls.
This restaurant has lost that privilege.
- [BELL DINGS]
- Still unstoppable.
This must be how Tom Brady felt
when he read the script
for 80 for Brady.
[BELL DINGS]
Whoa, that ties my all-time best.
[DRAMATIC NOTE PLAYS]
What the
Someone really got 850?
[SLURPING DRINK]
[GULPS]
You're fine, Stan. You're the best.
Just slowly extract
that little worm soul
with these nine balls made of
What even is this?
It's brown like wood,
but it's, like,
heavy and light at the same time.
Hey, what are these balls made of?
- Masonite.
- Masonite.
That's great news.
What the hell is Masonite?
Your dad's been gone a while.
I'm Steve. What's your name?
- Noah.
- Cool.
Like Noah's Ark. Classic tale.
Very cool.
- So, what are you into these days?
- Purple.
Hmm. Yep.
Can I tell you a secret?
Of course. But full disclosure.
I do tell my friend Snot everything.
Poop.
[GIGGLING]
[SIGHS]
Snot will actually love that.
I'm here to apply for my dream job.
Well, you're in luck.
We're short-staffed,
and you seem like a great guy.
Can you start right now?
You bet I can.
Mm, beautiful, isn't she? But listen.
You're gonna want to touch it.
Don't do it.
Even though it's so beautiful ♪
Come on!
Here we go.
A great apron for a great man.
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
Damn. Couldn't have
happened to a better guy.
You've got to learn
to fold it with one hand
so you can hold your 40 in the other.
Mm.
That was lucky.
Your pizza was on the ground
and no seagulls tried to grab it.
There actually aren't any seagulls.
That's that's kind of weird, right?
Jesus, Hayley.
You really can't help but
look for problems, can you?
No seagulls is a good thing.
Look. I can toss my pizza
on the ground, walk away,
walk back,
and it's still there, untouched.
A birdless boardwalk is the dream.
Just accept something good is happening.
Mm. Come on.
Toss your pizza.
See how good it feels.
Or can you not handle Team Good Vibes?
'Course I can.
Does this answer your question?
- Oh.
- Wow.
Bad.
Nuh-uh! I can still eat it.
I like it sandy-style.
Did you see all those
rats running inland?
Well, yeah. And the seabirds
have clearly figured it out.
- They're all gone.
- Animals are smart.
They knew before we did.
A tsunami is coming.
I wonder where all them birds went,
anyway.
It'd be foolish not to
carbo-load before my big hike.
[GULLS SQUAWK SOFTLY]
You got this, Al.
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Panic!
[GULLS SQUAWKING LOUDLY]
[AL SCREAMING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Sorry. Excuse me.
Hi.
Did you just say a tsunami is coming?
No. I haven't said a
word in three hours.
There we go. I'm back in the game.
Apparently,
when we put those extra deep,
extra safe pilings two
miles into the ground,
we accidentally hit a fault line.
That line runs out under the ocean,
where it triggered an earthquake,
creating a tidal wave
that's heading right at us.
Great, great.
And, um, I shouldn't be
losing my shit because
This would only be a big deal
if it wasn't totally under control.
I've assembled the beach's
hottest lifeguards,
and we're finalizing a plan
to defuse the wave right now.
So don't go telling everybody.
It'll just create a panic.
A needless panic,
because everything's
gonna be totally fine.
Totally fine, you say?
Totally fine.
[LIFEGUARDS LAUGHING]
Oh, hey, Mom.
I'm loving this vibe.
But, um, can I talk to you about
something I just saw real quick?
This sounds like boardwalk gossip.
Great vibes.
Hayley, thanks for making such
an effort to be cool today.
I appreciate it.
Anyway, what's the board goss?
Everything's gonna be totally fine.
Totally fine, you say?
Totally fine.
All right. I'm taking your word for it.
I don't want to ruin
this moment with my mom.
Wait. You didn't say
that last part before.
Yeah. We're working
through some recent stuff.
Gotcha.
[FRANCINE] Come on!
I actually gotta go. Bye.
[FRANCINE CLAPPING]
Give me the goss.
The gossip?
Um, I, uh, just saw
a bunch of hot lifeguards.
Oh, my God.
That is good gossip.
Lifeguards are so hot.
Welcome to Team Good Vibes, Hayley.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
I gave her 100 bucks.
How are we stuck at the bar?
I want my four Jagerbombs
sitting in a regular-sized chair
directly across from you.
Like a gentleman.
That's messed up, man.
Memphis, you're famous.
Go demand a table and bring us with you.
I'm sorry. I don't eat.
- Use your celebrity.
- No.
[GROANS] You're boning us, dude.
Whoa. These drinks are not cheap.
Oh, forgot my credit card.
- How much cash you got on you?
- Nada, dog.
I figured you'd cover this
since I paid for the
Sonicare head we both share.
Hi there. Loving the bar.
Beautiful space.
Hey, can we get a partial
refund on that bribe?
But we definitely do
still want the next table.
Roger, grab the tablecloth
and put it over the podium.
We can eat here.
I wouldn't call any of them
my girlfriend, per se,
but but all high potential
situations, you know.
Um, does that answer your question?
Are you hungry? We can't go far,
but there's a nacho stand right there.
No way.
My friend Tommy said nachos
are too spicy for me.
And now I'm scared to try them.
Aw, buddy, you'll be fine.
Don't listen to Tommy.
Everyone knows he's a [BLEEP] sucking
mother [BLEEP] dip [BLEEP] stinky pants.
[GIGGLING]
I'll even take the first
bite just to make sure.
Hmm Okay.
Attaboy.
I may also grab a pretzel.
Or has Tommy been running
his mouth about those too?
Noah? Noah?
Noah?
Noah!
[SIGHS] Oh, thank God.
There you are.
Never do that to me again!
I'm sorry. You just scared me.
Oh, thank God.
[BELL DINGS]
How am I getting worse?
I'm never gonna catch him.
I got to do something.
Of course.
Well, looks like you win.
Just wanted to say congra
What's this?
Oh, my God.
Look what just fell out
of this kid's pocket.
Schematics for 9/11.
This kid helped plan 9/11.
Uh, I wasn't alive for 9/11.
You don't need to call
the cops or anything.
I believe in second chances.
But you do need to
disqualify all his scores.
Sir, before I do anything,
you're gonna have to
explain to me what 9/11 is.
We're crushing this day, Hayles.
After this,
we'll head down to the beach,
blast some Eminem real loud,
and smoke salvia
right next to a family
with a bunch of little kids.
Yeah. Sounds, um, perfect.
[RATS SQUEAKING]
I, um, just remembered
I left my can of dip
on the back of the crapper.
Be right back.
Oh, good.
You actually do have a plan.
We have the tightest plan.
These backpacks have dynamite
left over from the
boardwalk construction.
We're gonna cruise out, drop it,
and trigger a retaliatory wave,
resulting in zero net waves.
Tsunami neutralized.
And I'll be smoking these
dudes at mini golf by sunset.
I'm, uh, not sure
that's how water works.
Well, this is the plan,
and we only got time for one.
So how about some good vibes, lady?
It'll work.
Watch for yourself.
Hot lifeguards, mount up!
Everyone got your red things?
- All right. Let's go.
- [ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Help. Throw me your red thing.
- Good catch.
- Wrong red thing!
[WHIMPERS]
[BUBBLING]
We're all screwed.
Hey. Do I have kettle corn in my teeth?
Sweet. Thanks.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Just to be clear,
you're gonna airbrush this
so I have a big old fat ass, right?
Mom.
What's with the face?
I thought you were being positive today.
Oh, I'm positive. Real positive.
That we're all [BLEEP].
The entire boardwalk's about
to get wiped out by a tsunami.
You see that huge-ass wave,
Team Good Vibes?
Dear God.
Run!
Hey. You need to pay for these.
This is why we should
get the money up front.
I can't believe you got
assistant manager over me.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Boss.
I didn't see you there.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Run for your lives!
Tsunami!
[SLURRING] Ladies, you can relax.
We can relax because we were
wrong about the tsunami?
No, no, no, no.
One's definitely coming.
The super low tide is a dead giveaway.
You can relax because when the
warning signs are this obvious,
it's too late to get away.
There's no outrunning it at this point.
My advice?
Use what little time you have left
saying goodbye to the ones you love.
Am I one of those people?
Honey, we have horrible news.
Ha! The day I've had, you don't
even know what horrible news is.
A tsunami is about to
take out the boardwalk,
and it's too late to get away.
We're goners.
That'll short out these machines, right?
Wipe out all the scores?
Yeah. I mean, it'll wipe out
everything and everyone
on this boardwalk.
Including that kid.
And we'd all die tied at zero.
If it's God's will, it's God's will.
Who am I to question it?
See you in purgatory, bitch ass.
And we're all doomed.
[GASPS] This isn't fair.
We should have so much
more time together.
I know, sweetie.
[SOBBING] It's not supposed
to happen this way.
You're supposed to outlive me,
and sing Candle in the
Wind at my funeral.
You're not going out like this.
This is my will.
Give it to whoever finds you.
You get it all, son.
Raising you today has been
the greatest honor of my life.
I'm sorry.
I never should have attacked
you for being negative
or asked you not to be yourself.
Turns out you have pretty
good survival instincts.
Thanks, Mom.
It's just, my time
on the boardwalk 20 years ago
was the best weekend of my life.
Wait. This was all based on one weekend?
Geez. Sorry I didn't live at the beach.
I'm not a starfish.
Anyway, maybe I need to be more
selective in calling out problems,
but they do come along,
and if you don't see them,
you can't find solutions.
And we've got a big problem.
And zero solutions.
- [MUFFLED SHOUTING]
- Babe? What happened?
Actually, we don't have time.
Tell me later when
we're drowning to death.
[GRUNTING]
Wow. This taffy won't budge.
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
[ALL GRUNTING]
This stuff's strong.
Problem. Solution.
Keep pulling. We're gonna stretch this
all the way down the boardwalk
and make a delicious barrier.
This will take forever.
Need a hand from Pro
Wrestling Illustrated's
most inspirational wrestler of 1994?
[GRUNTING]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Check out all those empty tables.
Finally, we catch a break. Shall we?
Ah. The promised land.
- I feel so important.
- I'm sorry.
We're actually gonna
be needing that table.
What? Everyone left.
And this place is about to be driftwood.
Yeah, but we're expecting a
big group between now and then.
So you're welcome to keep waiting
at the bar or run for your lives.
Oh, you'd just love that, wouldn't you?
You've been trying to shake us all day,
but you must have us
confused for some suckers.
So we'll be waiting out the
incoming tsunami at the bar.
Thank you very much.
And we will be checking back in
with you if either of us survive.
I know you don't
want to hear this right now,
but I did bring my wallet.
How sure are you this thing
will actually work, Hayley?
Not at all.
But how about some good vibes, Mom?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- It worked!
- Hallelujah!
Oh, no. My Skee-Ball problem.
Saving hundreds of lives?
Great vibes, Hayles.
Thanks, Mom.
Noah, my baby. There you are.
Thanks for keeping an eye on him.
His dad forgot he had
softball this afternoon.
High school softball. He watches it.
What a day we had, Noah.
But it's time to go back to your family.
I'll always cherish our time together.
Hey, creep. Stay away from my kid.
You'll always be in my heart, Noah.
Let's get the hell out of here.
[FRANCINE] What about Jeff?
[HAYLEY] Eh, seagulls are back.
They're on it.
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Bye! Have a beautiful time!