Celebrity Juice (2008) s19e05 Episode Script
Scarlett Moffat, Fred Sirieix, Chris Ramsey, Jake Wood, Gino D'Acampo
1 'Last time, the entire population of Europe watched as the feud between Fred Sirisex and Gino Sheffield D'Acampo reached boiling point.
France went head-to-head against Italy to decide once and for all which country is better.
Italy was victorious.
The whole country rejoiced.
The French were disgusted.
The rest of the world didn't give a fuck.
But tonight, it's time for a France v Italy rematch.
This time, things are going to get dirty and shit gets real.
' I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?' It's just another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy firing lasers from her massive tits and there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
We're taking a selfie, online presence.
We made it to't studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fuckin' wish it wa' though.
Hooraaahh! Hello and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team, Fearne? Well, on my left, he is back for revenge, it's Fred Sirieix.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, I'm maxing out tonight, it's Jake Wood.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, fortunately for Holly, unfortunately for us, she's on a booze cruise in Magaluf, so she's not here today, but let's meet someone who's gonna fill in and be awesollyawesullyawe He's gonna be good, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # VERDI: Rigoletto Act III La Donna E Mobile (AUDIENCE CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! Thank you.
I love when I'm the captain.
Ee-yes, you like it, is nice? I like that, I like because I'm in control.
Have I got the G there? You're not in control, let's get that straight.
There is no control on this show.
Everything is under control.
I know what I'm doing.
Cool, well, who's on your team, Gino? Oh, Jesus Christ! On my right, I know this guy for over ten years.
I don't have a fucking clue what he's talking about because of his accent.
Chris Ramsey.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MOCK ITALIAN) Chrees Ramsee! On my left, rumour has it that she has the most beautiful clitostirus in showbiz.
Obviously, I don't know that for a fact because I haven't seen it, but a friend of mine has seen it, so I can confirm it and her name is Scarlett Moffatt.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow.
Well, Scarlett, I hope you're not offended and stay with us for the rest of the show.
It's all right.
He's just jesting.
That's a compliment.
It's a compliment if someone says you've got a beautiful clit.
Is that what you said?! Yes.
It's Fred Sirisex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fred, erm, last time you were on, it was the Italy versus France showdown and you lost.
Gino, this time, I'm gonna have your head.
We're gonna win.
What did he say? Something about eating horse and that.
Well, tonight, we're gonna have a rematch, hoorah! Are you feeling confident, Gino? Yes, because I proved last time that I can win very easily.
You do know what's at stake, though? You will lose your UK residency if you lose tonight and the winner will be allowed to stay, but the loser will be deported tonight.
There's the Brexit van, you can see the Brexit van there.
We're gonna be deported anyway at some point.
You probably are.
(LAUGHTER) Fuck it! Get out of here, you Italian pig! Coming over here and taking our women and our jobs.
I don't know about women, I'm a happily married man.
Ham-am-he-mam-hod.
# Boo-do-boo-boo-do, do-bo-do-boo-do Boo, boo-boo-do, do-boo-boo-do, do-do It's Jake Wood! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very good, very good Jake Wood, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
How are you? Yeah, I'm all right.
First time on the show.
Are you excited? I'm very pleased to be on the French side with Fred because my mum is actually French.
Is she? Oh, so you've been to France many a time then? I went every summer when I was a kid, yeah.
What would you say is the best thing about France? Probably my nan.
FEARNE: That's lovely.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You play Max Branning in EastEnders, you have done for 12 years! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We would have a picture of you from EastEnders, but apparently it's too expensive to clear pictures from the BBC, so we've mocked one up.
That's what we imagine you to look like in EastEnders.
That's to scale as well, actually.
Here's some things that's happened to Max Branning over the years.
His own daughter tried to kill him by running him over, he got buried alive by his wife, and two of his children died falling from the roof of the Queen Vic on two separate occasions.
Why don't you just move? (LAUGHTER) But it's not all bad luck for Mr Branning, is it? Cos he gets enough pootang.
Yeah, he does.
What's your secret for getting all that pootang? Scriptwriters.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Max has become quite a cultural legend, an't he? A bit of a phenomenon.
I don't know.
There's a website where they leave comments about your arse.
Let me read some of these comments out.
"As a licence-fee payer, I demand a whole episode is dedicated to that wonderful arse.
All hail Jake's bum.
" I like to see myself as a dream-maker here on Celebrity Juice, so we thought it only right that we give the general public what they want, so let's play Hello.
So, here I am with Jake.
This game is very, very simple.
You can play this at home.
All you've got to do is stick the toilet roll up your arse-cheeks and run as far as you can without snapping the toilet paper.
If you can unravel the whole roll, you win a point for your team.
It's very easy, yeah? Yeah.
Shove the toilet paper.
Get it in your cheeks.
Shove it up there.
Clench your cheeks.
Get it right in.
Yeah.
A bit more up there, yeah.
You ready? Yes.
We're gonna get this.
(KLAXON) Off you go! Off he goes! Oh, he's doing it! Has he snapped it? It's going down.
Keep going.
It hasn't snapped, it hasn't snapped.
(BELL DINGS) He's done it, he's done it! Jake, come back! Here he is.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow! Well done.
We got this.
We got this.
Well done, well done.
Jake Wood, everyone! Next up, it's Scarlett versus Fearne.
Now, get the toilet roll and shove it up your bits.
I've got really tight jeans on.
Get it right, Fearne.
Get it right in and clasp, and clasp.
Is it in? Yeah.
It hurts.
Really clenching.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Off you go! Ooh, Fearne's in the lead! (BUZZER) Ohh! Scarlett doesn't know she's dropped it! (BUZZER) Oh, no, Fearne's dropped it! Go back where you left it.
Where's mine? Oh, God, mine cut off ages ago.
Go on, Scarlett! Get it in, Fearne! Off you go, go, go, go.
(BELL DINGS) Fearne's the winner! And the winner was Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) And the scores at the end of that game are shating! Why aye, pet, let's gan down the toon, it's Scarlett Moffatt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome.
You haven't been on for a while.
You've been very busy, an't you? Cos you were at the finale ofermTakeaway.
Yeah, it was really fun.
I got to go to Universal in Florida.
What was the wrap party like, was it fun? Oh, don't.
So, obviously, we were working really hard all week, so I wanted to have a little nap, so I went for a nap at 7:00 on the night and then woke up at half six the next morning.
Aw! I was gutted.
You've got a new book out, haven't you? I've got it.
It's called Me Life Story.
We've got a chapter in here, I think it's the first.
"Everyone starts out as an arsehole.
" What does that mean? We form around it in the womb.
When we're a tiny baby, when we're a seed? We're an arsehole, mm, and then we form around it.
You don't grow and then create a hole.
You're the hole and then you form around it.
That's insane knowledge! Yeah.
Gino's 48 and he's still an arsehole.
Have you got any tips for him? Who told you this information? It was on Wikipedia.
It was! The lady there said you start with a heart.
You don't start as a heart, you start as an arse! I once had an argument for 20 minutes with Scarlett that merpeople weren't real.
You're wasting your fucking breath.
No, here, right.
You mean like fish monsters? Can you prove to me that they're definitely not real? I don't think you can.
I don't think you can! Is it true that you've been on the run since 1891? No, I wasn't even around then, was I? It says here you were arrested for stealing two pairs of stockings in Margate in 1891 and I think we've got a picture of your mugshot.
There you are.
Is that meant to be me? Does that look like me? I thought it was you.
We do all have a Victorian lookalike.
Fearne's got one.
Have a look at Fearne's Victorian lookalike.
(LAUGHTER) I can actually see it, though.
You've got your hair tied back.
I can actually see Fred, how are you feeling about judgement night two, yeah? Very confident.
I think we're gonna nail it.
We've got the team here to win.
Have you brought your mob? Gino's got his mob with him.
Oh, they're going into your dressing room now, we've got CCTV.
What? Oh, they're throwing dough balls everywhere! They mean business.
Oh, oh! Oh, no! He's hitting your dog.
Xavier! Oh, no! Ohhhh.
Oh, I shit my pants, Fred, I was shitting my pants.
We've got CCTV footage of your mob in Gino's dressing room, I think.
Yes, they're drinking wine and smoking cigarettes and talking about French movies.
"Bonjour, yeah, I like the Eiffel Tower, it's nice.
" OK, it's now time to play an oldie but a goldie and in honour of Fred Sirisex, let's play 'Haugh-hee-hau-hee-haugh.
' Bonjour! Ca va? Tournez a gauche.
Tournez a droit.
Quel age a tu? Et la fuck off.
Here I am in some French toilets, as you can see.
I'm surrounded by French paraphernalia.
There's baguettes, there's a croissant, there's this Paris tower and such things.
OK.
Well, you know what happens here.
I pass some gossip down the stalls that's been written on the doors here and they have got to give me the gossip at the end.
If they get it right, they'll get a point for the team.
I'm going to check they're working.
Le sound-cancelly headphone, it work, yes? I can't hear a fucking word you're saying.
It's working.
OK.
"Jake Wood's backside is so dreamy" Pass it on.
Haven't got a fucking clue.
Max Branning went into the pub .
.
and saw a geezer called Bob.
Is that it? Hello.
Max Branning Sorry? .
.
went to the pub and had a little poop.
Max Branning went to the pub and had a little poop.
You got it? Erm Bonjour! Gino had a poop and he take it up the bum.
Take them off, take them off.
Fred.
What was the gossip again? Er, Gino had a poop and he takes it up the bum.
Gino had a poop and takes it up the bum.
I can tell you the gossip was, "Jake Wood's backside is so dreamy that they created a new soap award for best bum.
He's bound to win.
" So, no point for your team.
Next up, it's Gino's team.
Une fag.
Oh, bonjour.
Erm, here I am in the French toilets.
I'm just gonna check with Christopher Ramsey that the sound-cancelly headphones are working.
Away, pet.
How's it gannin'? Do you like those knickers or what? They're canny, aren't they? Do you get them down the toon? Is this the thing? No, this is not the thing.
Fuckin' hell! (READS) Pass it on.
I saw I saw that Chris Ramsey is still a virgin.
Oooh.
(LAUGHTER) I saw that Chris Ramsey is still a virgin.
I saw that Chris Ramsey is still a virgin.
Bonjour.
Chris Ramsey is a virgin in the arsehole.
Take them off, take them off, take them off.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Gino, can you tell me what is the gossip? Chris Ramsey is still a virgin in the arsehole.
Yeah, I am.
I am! I'm gonna give you that.
And the scores at the end of that round are shatiiing! We're going to an ad break, I'm off for a poo, I'll see you in two.
Coming up after't break: If you do that, Gino, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna thump you.
Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Jake Wood, have you ever been on set and got a chubby and someone's gone, "Ha-ha-ha, Jake's got wood"? No.
Well, you'll love this next game, so let's play.
So, this game is very easy.
You can play along at home.
Basically, I'm gonna show you a picture of a man and you have to tell me if he's got wood or has he got "wood"? Fearne, here's your picture first.
Has this man got wood or has he got wood? Has he got wood or has he got wood? (FEARNE GROANS) The intonation, which is which? Has he got wood has he got wood? It's a simple question.
OK, but do you want us to? Has he got wood or has he got wood? He's got wood, then.
He's got a He's in the woods.
This is stupid.
That's why it's brilliant! We think he's holding a log.
You think he's got wood? Let's have a look.
That's correct! He's got wood.
Smashed it.
Absolutely smashed it.
Well, you can just say he's got wood and you've won either way.
Has this man got wood or has he got wood? (LAUGHTER) I think he's got wood.
He's got wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct, he's got wood! Oh, my God! Fearne, has this man got wood or has he got wood? SCARLETT: I actually can't believe that.
FEARNE: He's very chuffed about it whatever it is.
Has he got wood? Yeah, he's got some wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct! He's got wood.
Yeah! But it's stupid because every time we say "wood," it's the same thing.
You're getting it right, aren't you? Getting more points.
Has this man got wood or has he got wood? I think (LAUGHTER) He's got wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct! He's got wood.
He's holding it like a pen.
Fearne, has this man got wood or has he got wood? We'll hand this one over to Jake.
He's definitely got wood.
Yeah.
He's got wood? Let's have a look.
Yes, he's got wood! Just that under his arm! He's got wood.
Let's pull it out a bit further, see the full picture.
There's loads of wood! He's in a forest of wood with all his EastEnders friends.
And the scores at the end of that round are shatiiiing! Ohhh, what the fuck? Fuckin' brilliant.
Now, because Gino is a captain this week, I did promise him that he could do his own round on here.
So far, the rounds we've had Gino doing is Gino's Fingering Game, Gino's Eastery Fingering Game, Gino's Autumn Fisting Game.
Do you remember that, Fearne? They're all very seasonal, aren't they? Gino, very excited to see what seasonal game you've got this week, so do you wanna come over and introduce it? Good luck.
Remember, it's the cam that's lit up.
(CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! This is a game that I've been practising all week.
Welcome to: 'Fantastico!' Hello.
I'm Gino D'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Springtime Rimming Game.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The rules are very simple.
I'm going to blind you and I'm going to (LAUGHTER) "Blindfold," "blindfold you"! I'm going to blindfold you and I'm going to put something in a box and you have to lick it like you would do with theyou know.
And you're gonna have to guess what's in the box.
Without further ado, let's bring the rimming box.
# VERDI: Rigoletto Act III La Donna E Mobile (RECORD SCRATCHES) Thank you.
Thank you.
So, the first one is Scar-lott.
ALL: Scar-lott! Sit on my face and enjoy.
Thank you.
I'm gonna put this on, blind you, yeah? Yeah.
Have you ever done rimming before? Done who? Rimming.
No.
Never done rimming? Oh, what kind of a Scouser are you? (LAUGHTER) One that's from Newcastle! Brilliant! The first item, OK? One sec.
(GROANING AND LAUGHTER) Scarlett, don't panic.
Get your tongue out.
And lick away.
(SCREAMS) OK You need to (WAGGLES TONGUE) (LAUGHTER) So, what do you think? That's really tasty.
Erm Sweet arsehole.
I think that is a sugary doughnut.
Very good! Mm! A round of applause! OK, let's bring our next contestant, Fearne.
(CHEERING) Now, I've been looking forward to this all week.
I haven't.
Yeah? Sit on my face.
And what is the purpose of that? Just because I want to say, "Sit on my face".
There you go.
Oh, I'm dreading this.
Don't worry about it.
Everything's going to be all right.
You're vegetarian, so I'm not going to put any meat.
You'd better bloody not.
OK? Yeah.
OK, so this is the item.
(GIGGLES) Don't do that laugh.
Tongue out.
No, the nose is on the way.
Tongue.
And, let's get rimming! More, more, more.
Make an effort.
Just lick.
CHRIS: Oh, Jesus Christ.
It's a good family game.
Everybody can do it at home.
What do you think? Ugh, the texture is horrendous.
It's like sticking my tongue in an arsehole.
That's rimming.
Is it a swede? No, it's not a swede.
A butternut squash? No.
I'm gonna squeeze it.
No, don't squeeze it! I'll squeeze it.
Don't squeeze it, please! Please don't squeeze it.
OK.
I don't want you to squeeze it.
That's fine, I won't squeeze.
Lick.
It's all natural, there is no sugar.
There is no meat.
A grapefruit.
No, an orange.
I'm gonna give you that.
Yes.
It's a satsuma.
Ladies and gentlemen, Fearne Cotton.
Oh, thank God.
I don't have any more non-vegetarian stuff.
Now, I've been looking forward to this the whole evening.
Yes, to have the man himself, the French c-(BLEEP).
Prego, Fred.
No, no, no.
This is a nice game.
Prego.
Sit on my face.
With pleasure.
And tell me that you love me That's it.
I'm gonna put the blinds on.
I'm very relaxed.
Can you see? Can you do anything? No.
Excellent.
Now.
I'm going to get my rimming box.
OK.
Gino, I have to tell you, whatever you do, I mean No, no, no, it's OK.
You gonna be absolutely all right.
Just let me get the Just let me get the box.
I'm just cleaning the box.
Shall I take my jacket off? Shall I take my jacket off? (AUDIENCE SCREAM) Whoa, whoa.
What's happening? What's going on? We were gonna make it more family, weren't we? Make this round a bit more family.
I think that's gone, like, past the line.
You can't get him to rim that.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Do it! (CHEERING) (CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! We were playing this last Saturday, it was fine, and now why, "We can't do this, we can't do that"? That was just me, you and your missus, though.
We can't do it on telly.
We try another one.
(AUDIENCE SCREAM) What's going on? OK.
That's family fun, you can have that, that's family fun.
OK.
I'm going to introduce you to the box because this is a little bit delicate.
So, put your hands in the back there.
Bah! There on the box.
That's it, lick.
That's rimming! That's rimming! What do you think is that? It's hairy.
There's a strange smell.
It does happen with rimming.
Seriously, what do you think it is? It's hairy I Look, I can't believe it is what I think it is.
What is it? Because if you do that, Gino, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna thump you.
Is it that? No, no, I will never do that.
I would never do that.
Go on.
Have a guess.
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) (CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! Gino, Gino, Gino! KEITH: What is it, Fred? What do you think? I'll give you ten points if you guess it.
Has it got something to do with you, Gino? No.
You know what, I'm gonna give you five points and I'm gonna run away, so And the scores at the end of the round arerimming! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! Coming up after't break: Go, go, go, Jake! Go, go, Jake! GINO: 'Stick your baguette.
' That's Gino's team! Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Judgement Day Two: Shit Gets Real.
Now, remember, the loser tonight will be deported.
Scarlett, a little bird tells me you're in sweet, sweet love.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got a boyfriend.
We've got a picture of you and your boyfriend.
Yeah, there he is.
Yeah, there he is.
What's his name? Lee.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS) You won't believe this because I think he's the first person that has been legally, successfully cloned.
Have a look at this.
They've cloned him but they haven't done the tattoos.
He's an identical twin, but - Oh, he's a twin? He's not a clone.
You can tell the difference cos of the tattoos.
He's a twin.
Have you ever got drunk and sucked on the wrong stag's head? No, I've never made that mistake.
There's time, there's time.
There's all to play for now.
Final round, it's the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, buzz in anyway.
How many times has Scarlett Moffatt failed her driving test? FRED: 'Gino can't cook and he can't French kiss.
' About 13.
I don't know, is that the answer? Yeah.
Yes, that's correct.
One point for the first person to do a loud burp.
(BOTH BURP) 'Gino is fatter than he used to be.
' That's Gino's team.
That was ridiculously good.
Too quick.
Point for the first person to press the rival team's buzzer.
Go, go, go, Jake.
Go, go, Jake.
Go, go! GINO: 'Stick your baguette.
' That's Gino's team! You've broken the buzzer.
Which of these pics is happy Jake Wood and which is sad Jake Wood? GINO: 'Fred has a really shit beard.
' It's Fearne's team.
Was it left or right? Happy on the right.
Happy on the right.
Let's have a look.
CHRIS: Wow! It's just one corner of the mouth.
What a range.
Which is happy Jake Wood and which is sad Jake Wood? FRED: 'Gino's lasagne is really shit.
' Gino's team.
Happy on the left.
Let's have a look.
Wow.
FEARNE: That's so funny.
Gino's team! Is this happy Jake Wood or sad Jake Wood? He's gonna change it.
He won't, he's honest.
That's happy.
What's Gino up to in this picture? FRED: 'Tiramisu tastes like my poo.
' He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
No, he's forging his passport because of Brexit.
Scarlett, which one of these pictures is your boyfriend? FRED: 'Gino is much fatter than he used to be.
' Hang on.
I do Which proves my theory! Oh, shit, I don't know! Fuck, which one is it? A, B or C? Or D? A? A.
You think it's A.
The answer is it's none of them.
It's his identical twin! (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon.
That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning country is Remember, the loser will be deported straight away.
The winner is It's Fearne's team, it's Fred Sirieix! # EDITH PIAF: Non, je ne regrette rien Gino! All the best.
It's been nice knowing you.
Good luck.
Bye! I'll come visit you, yeah? I'll come visit you.
(CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! Brexit, there you go.
All the best.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through't week, I'll see you though't window.
(AUDIENCE) Gino, Gino, Gino! # Tout ca m'est bien egal # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien # C'est paye, balaye # Oublie # Je me fous du passe! # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
France went head-to-head against Italy to decide once and for all which country is better.
Italy was victorious.
The whole country rejoiced.
The French were disgusted.
The rest of the world didn't give a fuck.
But tonight, it's time for a France v Italy rematch.
This time, things are going to get dirty and shit gets real.
' I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?' It's just another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willoughboozy firing lasers from her massive tits and there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
We're taking a selfie, online presence.
We made it to't studio just in time for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fuckin' wish it wa' though.
Hooraaahh! Hello and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team, Fearne? Well, on my left, he is back for revenge, it's Fred Sirieix.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, I'm maxing out tonight, it's Jake Wood.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, fortunately for Holly, unfortunately for us, she's on a booze cruise in Magaluf, so she's not here today, but let's meet someone who's gonna fill in and be awesollyawesullyawe He's gonna be good, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # VERDI: Rigoletto Act III La Donna E Mobile (AUDIENCE CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! Thank you.
I love when I'm the captain.
Ee-yes, you like it, is nice? I like that, I like because I'm in control.
Have I got the G there? You're not in control, let's get that straight.
There is no control on this show.
Everything is under control.
I know what I'm doing.
Cool, well, who's on your team, Gino? Oh, Jesus Christ! On my right, I know this guy for over ten years.
I don't have a fucking clue what he's talking about because of his accent.
Chris Ramsey.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MOCK ITALIAN) Chrees Ramsee! On my left, rumour has it that she has the most beautiful clitostirus in showbiz.
Obviously, I don't know that for a fact because I haven't seen it, but a friend of mine has seen it, so I can confirm it and her name is Scarlett Moffatt.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow.
Well, Scarlett, I hope you're not offended and stay with us for the rest of the show.
It's all right.
He's just jesting.
That's a compliment.
It's a compliment if someone says you've got a beautiful clit.
Is that what you said?! Yes.
It's Fred Sirisex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fred, erm, last time you were on, it was the Italy versus France showdown and you lost.
Gino, this time, I'm gonna have your head.
We're gonna win.
What did he say? Something about eating horse and that.
Well, tonight, we're gonna have a rematch, hoorah! Are you feeling confident, Gino? Yes, because I proved last time that I can win very easily.
You do know what's at stake, though? You will lose your UK residency if you lose tonight and the winner will be allowed to stay, but the loser will be deported tonight.
There's the Brexit van, you can see the Brexit van there.
We're gonna be deported anyway at some point.
You probably are.
(LAUGHTER) Fuck it! Get out of here, you Italian pig! Coming over here and taking our women and our jobs.
I don't know about women, I'm a happily married man.
Ham-am-he-mam-hod.
# Boo-do-boo-boo-do, do-bo-do-boo-do Boo, boo-boo-do, do-boo-boo-do, do-do It's Jake Wood! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very good, very good Jake Wood, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
How are you? Yeah, I'm all right.
First time on the show.
Are you excited? I'm very pleased to be on the French side with Fred because my mum is actually French.
Is she? Oh, so you've been to France many a time then? I went every summer when I was a kid, yeah.
What would you say is the best thing about France? Probably my nan.
FEARNE: That's lovely.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You play Max Branning in EastEnders, you have done for 12 years! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We would have a picture of you from EastEnders, but apparently it's too expensive to clear pictures from the BBC, so we've mocked one up.
That's what we imagine you to look like in EastEnders.
That's to scale as well, actually.
Here's some things that's happened to Max Branning over the years.
His own daughter tried to kill him by running him over, he got buried alive by his wife, and two of his children died falling from the roof of the Queen Vic on two separate occasions.
Why don't you just move? (LAUGHTER) But it's not all bad luck for Mr Branning, is it? Cos he gets enough pootang.
Yeah, he does.
What's your secret for getting all that pootang? Scriptwriters.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Max has become quite a cultural legend, an't he? A bit of a phenomenon.
I don't know.
There's a website where they leave comments about your arse.
Let me read some of these comments out.
"As a licence-fee payer, I demand a whole episode is dedicated to that wonderful arse.
All hail Jake's bum.
" I like to see myself as a dream-maker here on Celebrity Juice, so we thought it only right that we give the general public what they want, so let's play Hello.
So, here I am with Jake.
This game is very, very simple.
You can play this at home.
All you've got to do is stick the toilet roll up your arse-cheeks and run as far as you can without snapping the toilet paper.
If you can unravel the whole roll, you win a point for your team.
It's very easy, yeah? Yeah.
Shove the toilet paper.
Get it in your cheeks.
Shove it up there.
Clench your cheeks.
Get it right in.
Yeah.
A bit more up there, yeah.
You ready? Yes.
We're gonna get this.
(KLAXON) Off you go! Off he goes! Oh, he's doing it! Has he snapped it? It's going down.
Keep going.
It hasn't snapped, it hasn't snapped.
(BELL DINGS) He's done it, he's done it! Jake, come back! Here he is.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow! Well done.
We got this.
We got this.
Well done, well done.
Jake Wood, everyone! Next up, it's Scarlett versus Fearne.
Now, get the toilet roll and shove it up your bits.
I've got really tight jeans on.
Get it right, Fearne.
Get it right in and clasp, and clasp.
Is it in? Yeah.
It hurts.
Really clenching.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Off you go! Ooh, Fearne's in the lead! (BUZZER) Ohh! Scarlett doesn't know she's dropped it! (BUZZER) Oh, no, Fearne's dropped it! Go back where you left it.
Where's mine? Oh, God, mine cut off ages ago.
Go on, Scarlett! Get it in, Fearne! Off you go, go, go, go.
(BELL DINGS) Fearne's the winner! And the winner was Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) And the scores at the end of that game are shating! Why aye, pet, let's gan down the toon, it's Scarlett Moffatt! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome.
You haven't been on for a while.
You've been very busy, an't you? Cos you were at the finale ofermTakeaway.
Yeah, it was really fun.
I got to go to Universal in Florida.
What was the wrap party like, was it fun? Oh, don't.
So, obviously, we were working really hard all week, so I wanted to have a little nap, so I went for a nap at 7:00 on the night and then woke up at half six the next morning.
Aw! I was gutted.
You've got a new book out, haven't you? I've got it.
It's called Me Life Story.
We've got a chapter in here, I think it's the first.
"Everyone starts out as an arsehole.
" What does that mean? We form around it in the womb.
When we're a tiny baby, when we're a seed? We're an arsehole, mm, and then we form around it.
You don't grow and then create a hole.
You're the hole and then you form around it.
That's insane knowledge! Yeah.
Gino's 48 and he's still an arsehole.
Have you got any tips for him? Who told you this information? It was on Wikipedia.
It was! The lady there said you start with a heart.
You don't start as a heart, you start as an arse! I once had an argument for 20 minutes with Scarlett that merpeople weren't real.
You're wasting your fucking breath.
No, here, right.
You mean like fish monsters? Can you prove to me that they're definitely not real? I don't think you can.
I don't think you can! Is it true that you've been on the run since 1891? No, I wasn't even around then, was I? It says here you were arrested for stealing two pairs of stockings in Margate in 1891 and I think we've got a picture of your mugshot.
There you are.
Is that meant to be me? Does that look like me? I thought it was you.
We do all have a Victorian lookalike.
Fearne's got one.
Have a look at Fearne's Victorian lookalike.
(LAUGHTER) I can actually see it, though.
You've got your hair tied back.
I can actually see Fred, how are you feeling about judgement night two, yeah? Very confident.
I think we're gonna nail it.
We've got the team here to win.
Have you brought your mob? Gino's got his mob with him.
Oh, they're going into your dressing room now, we've got CCTV.
What? Oh, they're throwing dough balls everywhere! They mean business.
Oh, oh! Oh, no! He's hitting your dog.
Xavier! Oh, no! Ohhhh.
Oh, I shit my pants, Fred, I was shitting my pants.
We've got CCTV footage of your mob in Gino's dressing room, I think.
Yes, they're drinking wine and smoking cigarettes and talking about French movies.
"Bonjour, yeah, I like the Eiffel Tower, it's nice.
" OK, it's now time to play an oldie but a goldie and in honour of Fred Sirisex, let's play 'Haugh-hee-hau-hee-haugh.
' Bonjour! Ca va? Tournez a gauche.
Tournez a droit.
Quel age a tu? Et la fuck off.
Here I am in some French toilets, as you can see.
I'm surrounded by French paraphernalia.
There's baguettes, there's a croissant, there's this Paris tower and such things.
OK.
Well, you know what happens here.
I pass some gossip down the stalls that's been written on the doors here and they have got to give me the gossip at the end.
If they get it right, they'll get a point for the team.
I'm going to check they're working.
Le sound-cancelly headphone, it work, yes? I can't hear a fucking word you're saying.
It's working.
OK.
"Jake Wood's backside is so dreamy" Pass it on.
Haven't got a fucking clue.
Max Branning went into the pub .
.
and saw a geezer called Bob.
Is that it? Hello.
Max Branning Sorry? .
.
went to the pub and had a little poop.
Max Branning went to the pub and had a little poop.
You got it? Erm Bonjour! Gino had a poop and he take it up the bum.
Take them off, take them off.
Fred.
What was the gossip again? Er, Gino had a poop and he takes it up the bum.
Gino had a poop and takes it up the bum.
I can tell you the gossip was, "Jake Wood's backside is so dreamy that they created a new soap award for best bum.
He's bound to win.
" So, no point for your team.
Next up, it's Gino's team.
Une fag.
Oh, bonjour.
Erm, here I am in the French toilets.
I'm just gonna check with Christopher Ramsey that the sound-cancelly headphones are working.
Away, pet.
How's it gannin'? Do you like those knickers or what? They're canny, aren't they? Do you get them down the toon? Is this the thing? No, this is not the thing.
Fuckin' hell! (READS) Pass it on.
I saw I saw that Chris Ramsey is still a virgin.
Oooh.
(LAUGHTER) I saw that Chris Ramsey is still a virgin.
I saw that Chris Ramsey is still a virgin.
Bonjour.
Chris Ramsey is a virgin in the arsehole.
Take them off, take them off, take them off.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Gino, can you tell me what is the gossip? Chris Ramsey is still a virgin in the arsehole.
Yeah, I am.
I am! I'm gonna give you that.
And the scores at the end of that round are shatiiing! We're going to an ad break, I'm off for a poo, I'll see you in two.
Coming up after't break: If you do that, Gino, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna thump you.
Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Jake Wood, have you ever been on set and got a chubby and someone's gone, "Ha-ha-ha, Jake's got wood"? No.
Well, you'll love this next game, so let's play.
So, this game is very easy.
You can play along at home.
Basically, I'm gonna show you a picture of a man and you have to tell me if he's got wood or has he got "wood"? Fearne, here's your picture first.
Has this man got wood or has he got wood? Has he got wood or has he got wood? (FEARNE GROANS) The intonation, which is which? Has he got wood has he got wood? It's a simple question.
OK, but do you want us to? Has he got wood or has he got wood? He's got wood, then.
He's got a He's in the woods.
This is stupid.
That's why it's brilliant! We think he's holding a log.
You think he's got wood? Let's have a look.
That's correct! He's got wood.
Smashed it.
Absolutely smashed it.
Well, you can just say he's got wood and you've won either way.
Has this man got wood or has he got wood? (LAUGHTER) I think he's got wood.
He's got wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct, he's got wood! Oh, my God! Fearne, has this man got wood or has he got wood? SCARLETT: I actually can't believe that.
FEARNE: He's very chuffed about it whatever it is.
Has he got wood? Yeah, he's got some wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct! He's got wood.
Yeah! But it's stupid because every time we say "wood," it's the same thing.
You're getting it right, aren't you? Getting more points.
Has this man got wood or has he got wood? I think (LAUGHTER) He's got wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct! He's got wood.
He's holding it like a pen.
Fearne, has this man got wood or has he got wood? We'll hand this one over to Jake.
He's definitely got wood.
Yeah.
He's got wood? Let's have a look.
Yes, he's got wood! Just that under his arm! He's got wood.
Let's pull it out a bit further, see the full picture.
There's loads of wood! He's in a forest of wood with all his EastEnders friends.
And the scores at the end of that round are shatiiiing! Ohhh, what the fuck? Fuckin' brilliant.
Now, because Gino is a captain this week, I did promise him that he could do his own round on here.
So far, the rounds we've had Gino doing is Gino's Fingering Game, Gino's Eastery Fingering Game, Gino's Autumn Fisting Game.
Do you remember that, Fearne? They're all very seasonal, aren't they? Gino, very excited to see what seasonal game you've got this week, so do you wanna come over and introduce it? Good luck.
Remember, it's the cam that's lit up.
(CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! This is a game that I've been practising all week.
Welcome to: 'Fantastico!' Hello.
I'm Gino D'Acampo and welcome to Gino's Springtime Rimming Game.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The rules are very simple.
I'm going to blind you and I'm going to (LAUGHTER) "Blindfold," "blindfold you"! I'm going to blindfold you and I'm going to put something in a box and you have to lick it like you would do with theyou know.
And you're gonna have to guess what's in the box.
Without further ado, let's bring the rimming box.
# VERDI: Rigoletto Act III La Donna E Mobile (RECORD SCRATCHES) Thank you.
Thank you.
So, the first one is Scar-lott.
ALL: Scar-lott! Sit on my face and enjoy.
Thank you.
I'm gonna put this on, blind you, yeah? Yeah.
Have you ever done rimming before? Done who? Rimming.
No.
Never done rimming? Oh, what kind of a Scouser are you? (LAUGHTER) One that's from Newcastle! Brilliant! The first item, OK? One sec.
(GROANING AND LAUGHTER) Scarlett, don't panic.
Get your tongue out.
And lick away.
(SCREAMS) OK You need to (WAGGLES TONGUE) (LAUGHTER) So, what do you think? That's really tasty.
Erm Sweet arsehole.
I think that is a sugary doughnut.
Very good! Mm! A round of applause! OK, let's bring our next contestant, Fearne.
(CHEERING) Now, I've been looking forward to this all week.
I haven't.
Yeah? Sit on my face.
And what is the purpose of that? Just because I want to say, "Sit on my face".
There you go.
Oh, I'm dreading this.
Don't worry about it.
Everything's going to be all right.
You're vegetarian, so I'm not going to put any meat.
You'd better bloody not.
OK? Yeah.
OK, so this is the item.
(GIGGLES) Don't do that laugh.
Tongue out.
No, the nose is on the way.
Tongue.
And, let's get rimming! More, more, more.
Make an effort.
Just lick.
CHRIS: Oh, Jesus Christ.
It's a good family game.
Everybody can do it at home.
What do you think? Ugh, the texture is horrendous.
It's like sticking my tongue in an arsehole.
That's rimming.
Is it a swede? No, it's not a swede.
A butternut squash? No.
I'm gonna squeeze it.
No, don't squeeze it! I'll squeeze it.
Don't squeeze it, please! Please don't squeeze it.
OK.
I don't want you to squeeze it.
That's fine, I won't squeeze.
Lick.
It's all natural, there is no sugar.
There is no meat.
A grapefruit.
No, an orange.
I'm gonna give you that.
Yes.
It's a satsuma.
Ladies and gentlemen, Fearne Cotton.
Oh, thank God.
I don't have any more non-vegetarian stuff.
Now, I've been looking forward to this the whole evening.
Yes, to have the man himself, the French c-(BLEEP).
Prego, Fred.
No, no, no.
This is a nice game.
Prego.
Sit on my face.
With pleasure.
And tell me that you love me That's it.
I'm gonna put the blinds on.
I'm very relaxed.
Can you see? Can you do anything? No.
Excellent.
Now.
I'm going to get my rimming box.
OK.
Gino, I have to tell you, whatever you do, I mean No, no, no, it's OK.
You gonna be absolutely all right.
Just let me get the Just let me get the box.
I'm just cleaning the box.
Shall I take my jacket off? Shall I take my jacket off? (AUDIENCE SCREAM) Whoa, whoa.
What's happening? What's going on? We were gonna make it more family, weren't we? Make this round a bit more family.
I think that's gone, like, past the line.
You can't get him to rim that.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Do it! (CHEERING) (CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! We were playing this last Saturday, it was fine, and now why, "We can't do this, we can't do that"? That was just me, you and your missus, though.
We can't do it on telly.
We try another one.
(AUDIENCE SCREAM) What's going on? OK.
That's family fun, you can have that, that's family fun.
OK.
I'm going to introduce you to the box because this is a little bit delicate.
So, put your hands in the back there.
Bah! There on the box.
That's it, lick.
That's rimming! That's rimming! What do you think is that? It's hairy.
There's a strange smell.
It does happen with rimming.
Seriously, what do you think it is? It's hairy I Look, I can't believe it is what I think it is.
What is it? Because if you do that, Gino, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna thump you.
Is it that? No, no, I will never do that.
I would never do that.
Go on.
Have a guess.
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) (CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! Gino, Gino, Gino! KEITH: What is it, Fred? What do you think? I'll give you ten points if you guess it.
Has it got something to do with you, Gino? No.
You know what, I'm gonna give you five points and I'm gonna run away, so And the scores at the end of the round arerimming! We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! Coming up after't break: Go, go, go, Jake! Go, go, Jake! GINO: 'Stick your baguette.
' That's Gino's team! Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Judgement Day Two: Shit Gets Real.
Now, remember, the loser tonight will be deported.
Scarlett, a little bird tells me you're in sweet, sweet love.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got a boyfriend.
We've got a picture of you and your boyfriend.
Yeah, there he is.
Yeah, there he is.
What's his name? Lee.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS) You won't believe this because I think he's the first person that has been legally, successfully cloned.
Have a look at this.
They've cloned him but they haven't done the tattoos.
He's an identical twin, but - Oh, he's a twin? He's not a clone.
You can tell the difference cos of the tattoos.
He's a twin.
Have you ever got drunk and sucked on the wrong stag's head? No, I've never made that mistake.
There's time, there's time.
There's all to play for now.
Final round, it's the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, buzz in anyway.
How many times has Scarlett Moffatt failed her driving test? FRED: 'Gino can't cook and he can't French kiss.
' About 13.
I don't know, is that the answer? Yeah.
Yes, that's correct.
One point for the first person to do a loud burp.
(BOTH BURP) 'Gino is fatter than he used to be.
' That's Gino's team.
That was ridiculously good.
Too quick.
Point for the first person to press the rival team's buzzer.
Go, go, go, Jake.
Go, go, Jake.
Go, go! GINO: 'Stick your baguette.
' That's Gino's team! You've broken the buzzer.
Which of these pics is happy Jake Wood and which is sad Jake Wood? GINO: 'Fred has a really shit beard.
' It's Fearne's team.
Was it left or right? Happy on the right.
Happy on the right.
Let's have a look.
CHRIS: Wow! It's just one corner of the mouth.
What a range.
Which is happy Jake Wood and which is sad Jake Wood? FRED: 'Gino's lasagne is really shit.
' Gino's team.
Happy on the left.
Let's have a look.
Wow.
FEARNE: That's so funny.
Gino's team! Is this happy Jake Wood or sad Jake Wood? He's gonna change it.
He won't, he's honest.
That's happy.
What's Gino up to in this picture? FRED: 'Tiramisu tastes like my poo.
' He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
No, he's forging his passport because of Brexit.
Scarlett, which one of these pictures is your boyfriend? FRED: 'Gino is much fatter than he used to be.
' Hang on.
I do Which proves my theory! Oh, shit, I don't know! Fuck, which one is it? A, B or C? Or D? A? A.
You think it's A.
The answer is it's none of them.
It's his identical twin! (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon.
That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning country is Remember, the loser will be deported straight away.
The winner is It's Fearne's team, it's Fred Sirieix! # EDITH PIAF: Non, je ne regrette rien Gino! All the best.
It's been nice knowing you.
Good luck.
Bye! I'll come visit you, yeah? I'll come visit you.
(CHANTING) Gino, Gino, Gino! Brexit, there you go.
All the best.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through't week, I'll see you though't window.
(AUDIENCE) Gino, Gino, Gino! # Tout ca m'est bien egal # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien # C'est paye, balaye # Oublie # Je me fous du passe! # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait