8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s19e06 Episode Script
Harriet Kemsley, Chris McCausland, Nick Helm, Joe Wilkinson
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Harriet Kemsley, Chris McCausland, Nick Helm, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up is team captain, Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson is one of life's winners, sorry, whiners.
And Jon's team-mate Chris McCausland.
Chris used to work as a website designer until his eyes deteriorated.
So Mum was right, it can make you go blind.
Website designer's a nice euphemism, isn't it? Ah, mate, I'm in too deep, I'm going to keep on going until I'm deaf.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Up against them this evening it's team captain Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Sean Lock has a mind like a steel trap and a face like something that was once caught in a steel trap.
And with Sean, of course, it's Harriet Kemsley.
Harriet has dyspraxia.
Remind me, Susie, is that one of the ones you gave me? LAUGHTER Harriet, what have you been up to recently? I went to a wedding a few weeks ago.
- Right.
- Which was nice, but, right, it was weird, because I'd slept with three of the men there and it was a small wedding, it was mainly family and, I was like, this is mad though, like, what an achievement, I should tell somebody.
Erm, and so I was quite drunk, and I text my husband, ermbut I got my tenses wrong because I was drunk and so I just said, "I've slept with three men at this wedding, exclamation mark".
Phone died.
OK, Sean, tell us something surprising about yourself? Well, I think you'll find this rather surprising.
- You weren't at a wedding, were you? - No! No, I, er I Yeah, I've been on those, those ancestry websites.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, and you send off a sample of your DNA, which I did.
I had to do it twice because Well, I always get saliva and the other stuff mixed up.
And they sent it back with quite an angry letter actually.
It's just a thing, I've always got them mixed up.
I go, "Which? Oh, God, which one's?" That's why my wife does the Christmas cards.
It used to take me days.
I'd have to start in November.
Anyway And I got it back and there's a couple of things I expected like, 21% English, 20% Irish.
But then I was like 4% breadcrumbs.
OK.
All right.
Chris, it's your first time on the show.
Do you think you're going to be better at the letters or the numbers? I can't see either of them.
And, as far as I've been able to figure out, that's kind of fundamental to the whole game.
I can't even make notes.
And I like the way you've even given me some paper and a pen, just to rub salt into the wounds, you know? Just keep yourself entertained, Chris.
If you could draw us a nice picture of some string.
Did the lights just great brighter or am I having - am I having.
That got really bright then, yeah? - No.
Harriet, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I do.
I felt bad for Sean, because I'm a bad team-mate, because I'm bad.
Erm, so I got him gifts.
- Oh.
- To make it better, so that you still want to be my friend.
- Erm, so this is for you.
- Oh, thanks.
I know you love Chelsea Football Club, but I couldn't get you tickets, so I got you the next best thing, a Made In Chelsea DVD.
- Oh, Made in Chelsea? - Yeah.
- It's Made in Chelsea.
- Yeah.
- It's those brilliant guys.
- Yeah, just like, yeah.
- And they're funny and they're charming.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And they're just what I like them.
Just pop that over there, yeah, OK? - Not the only present.
- Oh, really? So this is another present for you.
Let's be honest, this is more presents than I got on my birthday.
So, this is, this is a couple of things.
- Oh.
- A hat, to keep your head warm in winter, because you don't have much hair.
Erm I've got a hat.
And then also, a framed picture.
It's too fucking small.
What I have got is a massive head.
Oh, that Do you know what? Not a lot of people look good in that and - Yeah.
- .
.
you are no exception.
You look like a kettle, kind of.
- I do.
- And then this is a framed photo, of me and you - as Harry Potter and Hermione.
- At Hogwarts, oh.
That was a lovely afternoon, I remember that.
- We found out you were Hufflepuff, it was - Yeah, yeah.
So, you can remember that.
- Thank you very much.
- No, that's not it.
It feels now like we're visiting Sean after some sort of dreadful accident.
Oh, it's one of those, isn't it? It's a best friend necklace.
Aw! So, you have one half and I have the other and it's solid gold, you don't ever have to take it off.
I've never saw these before, nobody's ever wanted to - That's really sad, actually.
- Yeah.
No, I don't think so.
- I think it's possible to have a friendship - Yeah.
.
.
without having a necklace to commemorate it.
- Most, most people would just say thank you.
- Yeah.
- Would you put the necklace on for me? - Yep.
I feel like I'm being turned into something here.
It's nice for you.
Do you know what? My money was not on Harriet grooming you, but .
.
it's what's happened.
APPLAUSE I might put this I might put this somewhere.
- On a mantelpiece? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's the floor.
I might not wear this either, because this studio's very hot.
- I probably don't need it, with my lovely thick hair.
- But you'll keep your necklace on.
My lovely thick hair will keep me warm.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I do Jimmy.
What I've done, Jimmy, I've come up a, you know, a review site, it's called Sean Advisor, right? And it's, I just go out and review stuff.
- So like TripAdvisor, but just you? - Yeah, it's just me doing it, but it's only out of two stars.
So, my first thing I reviewed was the Palace of Versailles.
A wonderful building, beautiful gardens.
Only one star because I bought an Aero out of the vending machine, it said B3 was peppermint, but it was actually B4.
So, they lost a whole star for that.
The Palace of Versailles? Yes, you know, it's got things going for it, but, hmm.
"A shuttlecock bought from Geoff's Sporting Goods.
"Under-feathered, makes for a wonky flight.
" "No stars.
" And I can hear a gentleman's been to Geoff's and had the same problem.
The gerbil, actually as a species.
Well, why not? "A classy rodent, fits easily in pocket, unless wearing jeans.
"Gives a satisfying nip, but a bit too pleased with itself.
" "Could do with a thicker tail.
"Half a star.
" Do you hear that, Jon? You got half a star.
"A strolling lesbian couple I saw in the park.
" "Cleaned up their dog's mess and bid me good morning.
"Would recommend.
One and a half stars.
" This is the lift in my local Boots.
"Simple to operate, ascent smoother than descent.
"No music, unflattering mirror.
"Only goes up one floor, barely had time to urinate in corner.
" "Half a star.
" This is the only thing that gets two stars, which is Durdle Door in Dorset.
"Very satisfying bit of erosion.
" Look at that, isn't that wonderful? And, "You can see the top of it from the pub car park.
"Well done, nature.
Two stars.
" SeanAdvisor, everyone.
SeanAdvisor.
Chris, have you got a mascot? Ah, yes, I've got, I've got two, Jimmy.
I A couple of superheroes that I've made with my own fair hands.
It's taken me about 12 years.
I like the idea of superheroes, but I'm not big on the currant crop of them.
I find that they're all a little bit too action-packed, too much CGI.
You know, my wife's dragged me a few times to the cinema and there's just lots of explosions and bangs and wallops, I might as well stay at home and put the knives and forks in the microwave.
I've tried to tone it down a little bit, you know, bring it down to real life and so this is the, this is the main guy.
This is Carbon Monoxide Detection Man.
Now, just in case its not too obvious, his special power is he can detect carbon monoxide from about six and a quarter miles.
Cause he just turns up at people's houses and opens all the windows.
This is his sidekick, Smoke Detector Boy.
Now, Smoke Detector Boy, he just tags along, but what happens, he's not a lose of use, he just he just tends to stand in the hall shouting "Toast! Toast! Toast!" And what happened is they come with an accessory which is a little tea towel and the only way you can get Smoke Detector Boy to be quiet, you've gotta hit him in the face with the tea towel over and over again.
I've only got two hands.
- But you Carbon Monoxide Detector Man.
- Yes! Always alert to the dangers of carbon monoxide.
Absolutely! You're on the money.
You take that and I'll be Smoke Detector Boy - and you've got to, like, get me to shut up with the tea towel.
- All right.
So, toast! Toast! Toast! Toast! - I think I Stop, stop! - You're going to have to do some sound effects, mate, I don't know when you're hitting me.
Toast! Toast! Toast! Oh, toast! - Jon, have you got a mascot? - Well, sort of, Jimmy.
People always er No, they don't.
Sometimes people talk to me, erm, and what they say is, "Oh, I bet your house is full of old tea pots and Countdown prizes.
" Well, it is actually, and it's beginning to piss me off.
So, if you don't mind, cause we've done so many of these shows, I'm just bring back some of the prizes I've won that I just frankly have no use for.
So, I've bought in the Countdown bag and frankly, you can have some of these things back.
So, in the bag I've got me, well, these Countdown boxer shorts.
I'll be honest, I've ridden these absolutely within an inch of their life.
They make me itch.
Anyway, I don't want them any more.
You keep them.
A Countdown basketball I won that a few episodes ago.
I'll tell you now, the Venn diagram of people who are good at Countdown and basketball is two circles.
Now, this is the, erm The I won this a while back, the Countdown ladder.
It was helping me get to things cause I'm small, it goes even bigger than that.
Oh, it's heavier than it was earlier! You'd think they'd be lightweight, wouldn't ya, them? But, no, I don't need me Countdown ladder.
Whoa! And this I won, the old Countdown bowling ball, do you remember that? I've actually decided I might keep this, so are you ready? I mean, this guy, because of the height of this, you can only get a six-year-old in there, so, are you ready to catch, Cecil? - You all right? - Ooh! Somewhere in here Series 3, I think, I put it in there and I can't find My old dignity was in there.
I had dignity.
HE CHUCKLES Oh! Oh, that's gotta hurt, hasn't it? Oh! Ow! APPLAUSE Did you did you find it? Over in Dictionary Corner, he loves a laugh but hates a bath, it's Nick Helm! Fuck off.
Nick, what have you been up to recently? Recently I've been, er, trying to better myself.
So, one of the things was the last time we saw each other, we worked out something where, we worked out that you, - actually, have never seen a single film, have you? - Mm-hm, mm-hm.
- And, then we worked out that I haven't read a single book.
- Mm.
So I have spent the last year just reading as many - books as I can get my hands on.
- What have you read, Nick? - Well, I've read, I've read Sense And Sensibility.
- Mm.
And I read Twilight.
And It Chapter Two and The Secret Life Of Pets.
And then I read Demolition Man, soso we're all up to speed there.
And with Nick Helm, of course, it's Susie Dent! Susie, what do you think is the ugliest language? Everyone says German.
German was my first love and it's beautiful.
Well, give us, give us an example of a beautiful German phrase.
Just very recently I heard the Teletubbies have reached Germany as well, so they have this brilliant phrase which is Teletubbyzuruckwinker, which is their term for an idiot and it's somebody who waves back at the Teletubbies.
That's a little child though.
Yeah, it's a child, but it's, I think it's They're cruel, the Germans.
They're brilliant people.
- Awful people.
- Do they have a different They'll do it again! Sure as eggs is eggs.
They're lying low.
OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel, is it difficult buying clothes now that you're pregnant? I quite like it.
I mean, it's a good excuse to go shopping, because obviously a lot of my stuff doesn't fit.
So, I have to kind of buy things as I go.
So, I bought this last week when I was shopping with Pash.
But I put it on, I was like, you know, "What do you think? Do you like it?'" And he said it looks like one of those scientific diagrams where a heavy object bends space-time.
So, he basically said I look like a black hole.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown American football kit.
OK, time for the first game.
Jon, Chris, you get to pick the letters.
- Chris.
- Yes, mate.
- Please pick.
OK, I'll have a consonant, please.
R A vowel.
I Consonant.
L Consonant.
S Please can I have a vowel? E A consonant.
D Consonant.
X Consonant.
C And a vowel.
We've got RIL SED X-C U Let's go before I forget them.
OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Ah, right, let's get this done.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, fuck.
Ah! Sorry, Chris, I should explain, sometimes CHRIS LAUGHS Chris, you're, you're in a lot of danger.
I sometimes go sky diving during the 30 seconds.
I have watched at home and I'll be honest, there is massive bits that I haven't got a clue what's going on.
How many letters? Do you know what, I think I've got a six there? - You've got a six? - I think so.
- All right.
- Jon, how many? - I'll try a seven.
- Harriet, how many? - I got a six.
- Sean? - Six.
- Chris, your six.
- SLIDER.
Is that up there? - SUSIE: Yeah.
- CHRIS: Get in! Ah, Harriet, your six? CURSED - Very nice.
- Thank you.
Sean, your six? CURLED CURLED.
Nice.
You just copied me.
No, cos it's a different word, look.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey, you're best friends, remember? - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
If you forget, just put your necklaces together, see if they fit.
- Yeah.
- SEAN CHUCKLES Sean, look, you've got to just lean over and put them together, cos then it's That's what friends do.
I feel like I'm being groomed into a me-too scenario here.
- Friends.
- Aw, that's nice! - Aw, you fit perfectly, don't you? - Yeah, it's nice.
- Yeah.
Does it feel right? It feels so right.
It just feels right.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Jon, your seven? It's when a couple have an argument and one of them is sent to sleep in a different bedroom, that partner has been SEXILD.
SEXILD? It's not there, Jon, I'm afraid.
- Oh.
- Could they have done any better? - Yeah.
There were two sevens.
There was CRUISED.
- Yep.
- And then SLUICED.
- As in, "She SLUICED herself in the bidet.
" OK.
So at the end of that, Jon and Chris have 6 points, Harriet and Sean have 6 points.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sean, Harriet, your turn to pick the numbers.
- What, what am I meant to say? - Two big and four, and four small.
- Oh.
- Two big - Two big and four small.
- OK.
- We've got 6, 7, 2, 5, 75 and 25, and the target 736.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 736.
- Chris, did you get it? - I think I've got 735, Jimmy.
735? OK.
Jon, did you get it? Yes, I also have 735.
OK, Sean, did you get it? ErI've got 732.
OK.
Harriet, did you get it? - I think I got 737 or 735.
- OK.
So, Chris, how did you do it? I did the 75 + 25 + 5.
- Yep, 105.
- And times'd it by 7.
- 735, one away, well done.
- There you go.
- That's good.
Harriet, how did you do it? If you have the number 5 and you times it by 2, - you make the number 10.
- Yep.
- And then 7 x, 75 x 10 = 750.
And thenthe 6 and the 7 are - Yeah.
- .
.
13 and then it's - Yeah.
- Well done.
- 737.
- 737.
It was one off, but I wrote it down.
Well, 7 points to both teams.
Rachel, could that be done? It was there, Jimmy.
If you say 75 x 5 = 375.
Take away 7, for 368 and times it by 2 for 736.
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Nick Helm, what have you got for us? - Oh, well, Jimmy, I have written a poem.
- Oh, lovely.
This is a poem called You're Back Late.
You're, you're back late, WâWhere have you been? No, no, no, you're just back late, that's all.
No, IâI'm not keeping tabs on you, I was just No, I was just asking.
No, no, I'm sorry, I was just, I was just worried about you, that's all.
No, I No, I didn't mean to overstep the mark.
No, you're just a bit later than I thought you'd be.
Well, that's It's just you could have texted or phoned.
Yeah, no, no, I know you don't always have reception.
You're just a bit later than I thought you'd be.
I was going to cook.
DON'T FUCKING LEAVE ME! That's You're Back Late.
Nick Helm, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are DONG EXIT.
The clue is - I feel better already.
That's DONG EXIT - I feel better already.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DONG EXIT, the clue was - I feel better already.
It was, of course, DETOXING.
OK, the scores are tied, 13 apiece.
- Chris, how are you finding Countdown? - OK, Jimmy, to be honest.
I'veI've started off better than I thought I might do, but, you know, as you know, I'm doing it all in me head.
And so, I had an idea that maybe it might be good to, you know, level the playing field a little bit, so I brought some blindfolds with me, Jimmy.
I've got them here, yes.
So, we were going to ask everyone to play blindfolded.
- Right.
- Yeah, sure.
- OK, there you go.
- Yeah, yeah.
OK, so blindfolds on, everyone.
Harriet, your turn to choose.
It's a bit tight, my blindfold.
One of the advantages of being blind is you can't actually feel it on your face.
I cheated once at Blind Man's Buff when I was a kid.
And I won a packet of, erm fig rolls.
LAUGHTER Then I snuck off and I ate them all on me own and I was sick.
And do you know what lesson I learnt from that? I don't like fig rolls.
OK, Harriet, you're picking the letters.
How do I do that? You just say "vowel" and "consonant".
You don't use your eyes.
If it was the kind of Countdown where we have to let Rachel know by eye movements, then Harriet, pick the letters.
Umfour vowels No, don't do that.
- That's the way to do it - Sorry.
- Let's rush through it! I'm worried someone's going to creep up on me.
LOUDLY: It won't be me! Um, one vowel A JON: She said one vowel! So don't make it harder.
SEAN: I've just realised, I'm writing them down, but I've got my pen up round the wrong way.
Jimmy, this is the worst idea I've ever had.
And another vowel, please No, a consonant, please.
S S.
And a vowel, please.
O AS O.
And a consonant, please.
H AS OH.
LAUGHTER And As oh! A consonant, please.
D Consonant.
P A consonant.
S Another vowel, please.
E AS OH DPSE.
LAUGHTER Another one, please.
You can have an O or a R.
- It doesn't matter, at this point.
- R.
- R.
OK, your time starts now.
SHE MUMBLES As oh OK, Chris, how many? I think I've got a six.
OK, Jon, how many? I think I've got a six.
- Sean, how many? - I've got a six.
- Harriet, how many? - Is ASO a word? LAUGHTER Can we take them off now, or should we keep them on? Nah.
Keep them on for a bit.
- You're so powerful, aren't you, Jimmy? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER Do you have a blindfold on, Jimmy? Sometimes, yeah.
OK, no, you can take your blindfolds off if you want.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
PUSHED.
- Is there a U in PUSHED, do you think? - No, there's no U.
I thought there was a U came up.
PUSHED, OK.
Jon, your six? - SPARED.
- SPARED.
Chris, what'd you get? I had SHAPED, is that up there? - SUSIE: Yeah.
- Ey.
HARRIET: I'm sorry I did badly.
Do you want another gift? You did really badly.
LAUGHTER - All right.
Oh, I wonder what this is.
- Yeah.
I bet you can't guess! It's .
.
a 2 for 1 travel together railcard! You can go anywhere, but only with me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE This will last for how long? - Er, a year.
- Right.
Certainly outlive the friendship.
LAUGHTER Er, Nick, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, they could have had a nine.
- A nine? - Yeah.
- What was the nine? It was RHAPSODES.
It's "rhap" with an H, and it's people who deliver rhapsodies, who used in Ancient Greece to deliver epic poems and things.
Oh, people like Nick Helm.
APPLAUSE Er, before we go on, Nick, how's your week been? Anything special happened this last week? Oh, yeah, it was my birthday.
- Aww.
- It was your birthday? - Yeah.
Well, you know that we love you on the show, so we thought we'd get you some treats.
Bring in the treats.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Happy birthday to ya # Happy birthday to ya # Happy birthday Happy birthday to ya # Happy birthday to ya Happy birthday LOUD POP Hang on, whoa, whoa, cut the music, cut the music.
Cut the music, I'll very quickly explain.
Chris, we just shot Nick Helm.
LAUGHTER It's your birthday, and we thought we'd celebrate, so we got you some I know you like strong cider.
I didn't think you'd want a cake, - I got you a kebab with a sparkler in it.
- Sure, thank you.
And do I get to keep that? Yeah, you can do whatever you want with that.
I'm going to take it out for dinner.
Maybe get it laminated first.
Happy birthday, Nick.
- Thank you very much.
That's really nice of you all.
- No problem at all.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Harriet and Sean have 13, Jon and Chris have 19! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Chris.
OK, Chris, your turn to pick the numbers.
Rachel, I'm going to go for - just one big one and the rest little, please.
- Lovely.
One big one and five little ones coming up, and this time the little ones are 7, 4, 5, 7, 8, and the big one, CHRIS: Cool, I'm good with that.
And the target, 427.
OK your time starts now.
OK so the target was 427.
Chris, did you get it? I think I might have 426.
- OK, Sean did you get it? - No.
Chris 426? - Right, it was 25 - Yeah.
And I timesed that by 17, and I think I got the 17 by doing 8 + 5 + 4, was it? 8 + 5 + 4 There you go, that was 17.
I timesed it together, I did 7 ÷ 7 = 1 and I stuck it on.
Oh, well, seven points to Chris.
Well done.
APPLAUSE - Um, Rachel? - Yes? - Could it be done? - If you say 8 x 7 = 56 + 5 = 61 x 7 = 427.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Nick Helm, what have you got for us? OK, well, I think that we established without any doubt in our minds that I haven't read any books, but I have written this.
MUSIC PLAYS # This is just a list of films # Just a list of basic films # This is just a list of films # Just a list of basic films # Silence Of The Lambs Best Laid Plans # Tommy Boy, X-Files Idle Hands # The Taking of Pelham 123 # Flash Dance, Foot Loose Despicable Me # Indiana Jones and all of the Bonds # Kill Bill, Braveheart Legally Blonde # Eight Harry Potters and his magic wand # The MCU, Star Trek Beyond # Casablanca, The Wizard Of Oz # Jurassic Park and fucking Jaws # Gone With The Wind It's A Wonderful Life # Commando, Rambo The Bishop's Wife # Cat In The Hat Snakes On A Plane # Aliens, Spaceballs Singing In The Rain # Vertigo The Man Who Knew Too Much # Zoolander, Starsky Starsky And Hutch # Ocean's Eleven Far From Heaven # Punch-Drunk Love Police Academy 7 # Red Joan Black Swan # Children Of The Corn Gone Baby Gone # Fruitvale Station Lost In Translation # 101 and 2 Dalmatians # Romancing The Stone Jewel Of The Nile # Bio-Dome Mona Lisa Smile # Evil Dead Drop Dead Fred # Halloween 5 and Waking Ned # Sleeping, Black, American Beauty, # A little-known Indian film called Julie # Thor, Saw, Above The Law # Avatar, Fight Club, Death Wish 4 # Schindler's List The Exorcist # American Graffiti and The fucking Mist # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Cool Runnings Everybody! # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings AUDIENCE SINGS: Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Put your hands up! # Cool Runnings # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Keep going! # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Cool Runnings Sing it louder! # This is just a list of films # Just a list of basic films # This is just a list of films # Just a list, a list of films # Rocky I, II, III, VI, V Balboa # Spinal Tap, Mighty Wind Best In Show # The Lawnmower Man with his little lawnmower # Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan in Rush Hour # Grease, Fame Gerald's Game # The Jerk, Three Amigos Man With Two Brains # Sleepless In Seattle When Harry Met Sally # Pretty In Pink and Paradise Alley # Starship Troopers Wuthering Heights # The Invisible Man and fucking Boogie Nights # Back To The Future 3, 2, 1 All of these films and she ain't seen none! LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Nick Helm, everyone! And here is your teaser.
The words are NEAT PARP, the clue is - there's no hiding it.
That's NEAT PARP, there's no hiding it.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to teaser - the words were NEAT PARP.
The clue was - there's no hiding it.
It was, of course, APPARENT.
OK before we get on, he's not on the show any more but he turns up anyway - it's Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
CHEERING Are you, er You all right, Joe? All right, Jimmy? Ohh, sorry that took a while.
I got bloody shin splints.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I've had a bit of a growth spurt, the last couple of weeks, I've gone up about 50 foot from the knees down.
I guess that's what happens when you hit your 40s, you know, but c'est la vie.
Oh, yeah I tell you what I'm gonna do, Jimmy, cos I'm quite high up, I'm gonna turn my headcam on cos I thought you might still wanna see my face? LAUGHTER - Oh, I see, yeah.
- Hello.
Hello, Jimmy, it's nice up here.
There's lots of, er, lots of dead pigeons, which is nice, look, there he is.
There's loads of 'em.
Someone needs to do a bit of dusting.
Honestly, hoover it out once in a while, guys.
Oh, hello, I'm in here, yes, there's a piece of quiche.
Look at that, yeah, a bit of quiche.
There's a bit of bird muck on it but Oh, hello, Jimmy? - Yeah.
- Do you remember we lost that lighting guy a couple of years ago? Yeah? Roger, we lost him a couple of I think I've found him.
Any idea what this switch does? Hold on.
I'm gonna give it go.
EQUIPMENT POWERS DOWN Ah, yeah, I think I've realised what it's done, Jimmy.
I think it's turned the lights off.
Hold on.
Sorry.
Can you turn them back on? I'm trying to find the bloody switch, mate! - Is that it? No, that's not the one.
- ALARM BLARES No.
That's the pissing alarm.
Hold on.
DOORBELL RINGS There's a doorbell.
Why the fuck's there a doorbell? Hold on, got it here, here we go.
- PING! - There's a microwave, Why would they put a microwave? EQUIPMENT POWERS UP Oh, here we go, here we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Joe? Joe, what's, er, what's going on there? Oh.
Ah, I think in the, er in the excitement my plums fell out.
There's a bit of a gust in here.
Mate, mate, you should probably go before Susie latches on.
Yeah, actually I'd better head off that quiche has gone off, I think.
Oh, Christ, right, I'm gonna need the lav, it's starting to come out.
Right, I'll see ya later.
Let's play Countdown! OK, on with the game.
Jon, Chris, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
P And a vowel.
O And a consonant, please.
V We'll have another vowel, please.
A And another, er, consonant, please.
R A consonant, please.
Er, consonant, please.
S And another consonant, please.
M And a vowel, please.
And the last one U And your time starts now.
Oh, lovely.
There.
Lovely.
Oh, shit.
Oh, kids, don't put your hands on a waffle iron because it didn't really work.
Waffles, please.
Thanks, Fabio.
Can I make you a waffle, sir? Is this is like real food? - Vegan or non-vegan? - I don't know.
How are you gonna eat them now? - You're allergic to everything, aren't you? - I've got a flag.
You got a flag, I think it means vegan or? Oh, I see what you mean, yours has got a flag in it? I'm sorry, I was just pointing that She can't eat it - just her a flag.
Ah, Jon, how many? A seven.
A seven? OK, how many Chris? Do you know what? I can't believe I'm gonna say this out loud - I think I've got a seven? - Sean, how many? - Six.
- Ah, Harriet, how many? - Five.
- All right, what's your five? - STORM.
- OK, Sean? SPROU Er, Chris? I think I've got VAPOURS.
You have.
- Get in there.
- VAPOURS! Er, Jon what's yours? I've got VAPOURS as well.
Well, 7 points to Jon and Chris.
Nick, Susie could they have done any better? - No.
- Get in.
What have you put on your waffle there? Cream, blueberries, strawberries.
What are these little spongey things? Oh, that was when the confetti kind of went off before.
They're marshmallows.
Are they? OK, so the end of that, Jon and Chris are in the lead with 33.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are LUBE ROBS.
The clue is - these are big and heavy.
That's LUBE ROBS.
These are big and heavy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were LUBE RODS.
The clue was - these are big and heavy.
It was, of course, BOULDERS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Harriet, your turn to choose.
Could I have a vowel please, Rachel? Of course, you can Sean.
E.
Thank you, and I'll have a consonant.
N And then a vowel.
A And then a consonant.
L Vowel, please.
I Consonant.
R Consonant.
D Consonant.
N Consonant.
And Z OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
COUNTDOWN MUSIC AND CLOCK APPLAUSE MUSIC COMES UP: # I'm every woman It's all in me APPLAUSE OK, all right, Sean, how many? - Six.
- Six? OK, Harriet? Five.
Ah, Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Ooh! Just a six, mate.
- Just a six? - I think, yeah.
OK, Harriet, your five.
LEARN Sean, your six.
LIZARD Chris? I've got LAZIER.
Jon, your seven? Well, you know how you can be manlier than someone else? - Oh, yeah.
- If specifically you want to be like a man called Dan, you can be DANLIER.
- DANLIER, that should be in there.
- Yes.
I'm not even going to look that up.
OK, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Nick, Susie, tell us, could they have done any better? They could have had INLANDER for 8.
OK, so Harriet and Sean have 19, Jon and Chris has 39.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
- How can Chris do this? - How can Chris do this? Er, Chris, the words are I'm gonna start the time as I tell you this.
The words are BORED WANK.
BORED WANK B-O-R-E-D W-A-N-K B-O-R-E-D W-A-N-K - Got it! - Got it? Yeah, go on, Chris? I've not I've never had this in my life, but I've got a feeling it might be BREAKDOWN.
He's only gone and bloody gone it! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh, yes.
Come on, Chris! So, the final scores are Harriet and Sean have 19, Jon and Chris have 49.
So, congratulations, Jon and Chris, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown American Football Kit.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up is team captain, Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson is one of life's winners, sorry, whiners.
And Jon's team-mate Chris McCausland.
Chris used to work as a website designer until his eyes deteriorated.
So Mum was right, it can make you go blind.
Website designer's a nice euphemism, isn't it? Ah, mate, I'm in too deep, I'm going to keep on going until I'm deaf.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Up against them this evening it's team captain Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Sean Lock has a mind like a steel trap and a face like something that was once caught in a steel trap.
And with Sean, of course, it's Harriet Kemsley.
Harriet has dyspraxia.
Remind me, Susie, is that one of the ones you gave me? LAUGHTER Harriet, what have you been up to recently? I went to a wedding a few weeks ago.
- Right.
- Which was nice, but, right, it was weird, because I'd slept with three of the men there and it was a small wedding, it was mainly family and, I was like, this is mad though, like, what an achievement, I should tell somebody.
Erm, and so I was quite drunk, and I text my husband, ermbut I got my tenses wrong because I was drunk and so I just said, "I've slept with three men at this wedding, exclamation mark".
Phone died.
OK, Sean, tell us something surprising about yourself? Well, I think you'll find this rather surprising.
- You weren't at a wedding, were you? - No! No, I, er I Yeah, I've been on those, those ancestry websites.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, and you send off a sample of your DNA, which I did.
I had to do it twice because Well, I always get saliva and the other stuff mixed up.
And they sent it back with quite an angry letter actually.
It's just a thing, I've always got them mixed up.
I go, "Which? Oh, God, which one's?" That's why my wife does the Christmas cards.
It used to take me days.
I'd have to start in November.
Anyway And I got it back and there's a couple of things I expected like, 21% English, 20% Irish.
But then I was like 4% breadcrumbs.
OK.
All right.
Chris, it's your first time on the show.
Do you think you're going to be better at the letters or the numbers? I can't see either of them.
And, as far as I've been able to figure out, that's kind of fundamental to the whole game.
I can't even make notes.
And I like the way you've even given me some paper and a pen, just to rub salt into the wounds, you know? Just keep yourself entertained, Chris.
If you could draw us a nice picture of some string.
Did the lights just great brighter or am I having - am I having.
That got really bright then, yeah? - No.
Harriet, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I do.
I felt bad for Sean, because I'm a bad team-mate, because I'm bad.
Erm, so I got him gifts.
- Oh.
- To make it better, so that you still want to be my friend.
- Erm, so this is for you.
- Oh, thanks.
I know you love Chelsea Football Club, but I couldn't get you tickets, so I got you the next best thing, a Made In Chelsea DVD.
- Oh, Made in Chelsea? - Yeah.
- It's Made in Chelsea.
- Yeah.
- It's those brilliant guys.
- Yeah, just like, yeah.
- And they're funny and they're charming.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And they're just what I like them.
Just pop that over there, yeah, OK? - Not the only present.
- Oh, really? So this is another present for you.
Let's be honest, this is more presents than I got on my birthday.
So, this is, this is a couple of things.
- Oh.
- A hat, to keep your head warm in winter, because you don't have much hair.
Erm I've got a hat.
And then also, a framed picture.
It's too fucking small.
What I have got is a massive head.
Oh, that Do you know what? Not a lot of people look good in that and - Yeah.
- .
.
you are no exception.
You look like a kettle, kind of.
- I do.
- And then this is a framed photo, of me and you - as Harry Potter and Hermione.
- At Hogwarts, oh.
That was a lovely afternoon, I remember that.
- We found out you were Hufflepuff, it was - Yeah, yeah.
So, you can remember that.
- Thank you very much.
- No, that's not it.
It feels now like we're visiting Sean after some sort of dreadful accident.
Oh, it's one of those, isn't it? It's a best friend necklace.
Aw! So, you have one half and I have the other and it's solid gold, you don't ever have to take it off.
I've never saw these before, nobody's ever wanted to - That's really sad, actually.
- Yeah.
No, I don't think so.
- I think it's possible to have a friendship - Yeah.
.
.
without having a necklace to commemorate it.
- Most, most people would just say thank you.
- Yeah.
- Would you put the necklace on for me? - Yep.
I feel like I'm being turned into something here.
It's nice for you.
Do you know what? My money was not on Harriet grooming you, but .
.
it's what's happened.
APPLAUSE I might put this I might put this somewhere.
- On a mantelpiece? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's the floor.
I might not wear this either, because this studio's very hot.
- I probably don't need it, with my lovely thick hair.
- But you'll keep your necklace on.
My lovely thick hair will keep me warm.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I do Jimmy.
What I've done, Jimmy, I've come up a, you know, a review site, it's called Sean Advisor, right? And it's, I just go out and review stuff.
- So like TripAdvisor, but just you? - Yeah, it's just me doing it, but it's only out of two stars.
So, my first thing I reviewed was the Palace of Versailles.
A wonderful building, beautiful gardens.
Only one star because I bought an Aero out of the vending machine, it said B3 was peppermint, but it was actually B4.
So, they lost a whole star for that.
The Palace of Versailles? Yes, you know, it's got things going for it, but, hmm.
"A shuttlecock bought from Geoff's Sporting Goods.
"Under-feathered, makes for a wonky flight.
" "No stars.
" And I can hear a gentleman's been to Geoff's and had the same problem.
The gerbil, actually as a species.
Well, why not? "A classy rodent, fits easily in pocket, unless wearing jeans.
"Gives a satisfying nip, but a bit too pleased with itself.
" "Could do with a thicker tail.
"Half a star.
" Do you hear that, Jon? You got half a star.
"A strolling lesbian couple I saw in the park.
" "Cleaned up their dog's mess and bid me good morning.
"Would recommend.
One and a half stars.
" This is the lift in my local Boots.
"Simple to operate, ascent smoother than descent.
"No music, unflattering mirror.
"Only goes up one floor, barely had time to urinate in corner.
" "Half a star.
" This is the only thing that gets two stars, which is Durdle Door in Dorset.
"Very satisfying bit of erosion.
" Look at that, isn't that wonderful? And, "You can see the top of it from the pub car park.
"Well done, nature.
Two stars.
" SeanAdvisor, everyone.
SeanAdvisor.
Chris, have you got a mascot? Ah, yes, I've got, I've got two, Jimmy.
I A couple of superheroes that I've made with my own fair hands.
It's taken me about 12 years.
I like the idea of superheroes, but I'm not big on the currant crop of them.
I find that they're all a little bit too action-packed, too much CGI.
You know, my wife's dragged me a few times to the cinema and there's just lots of explosions and bangs and wallops, I might as well stay at home and put the knives and forks in the microwave.
I've tried to tone it down a little bit, you know, bring it down to real life and so this is the, this is the main guy.
This is Carbon Monoxide Detection Man.
Now, just in case its not too obvious, his special power is he can detect carbon monoxide from about six and a quarter miles.
Cause he just turns up at people's houses and opens all the windows.
This is his sidekick, Smoke Detector Boy.
Now, Smoke Detector Boy, he just tags along, but what happens, he's not a lose of use, he just he just tends to stand in the hall shouting "Toast! Toast! Toast!" And what happened is they come with an accessory which is a little tea towel and the only way you can get Smoke Detector Boy to be quiet, you've gotta hit him in the face with the tea towel over and over again.
I've only got two hands.
- But you Carbon Monoxide Detector Man.
- Yes! Always alert to the dangers of carbon monoxide.
Absolutely! You're on the money.
You take that and I'll be Smoke Detector Boy - and you've got to, like, get me to shut up with the tea towel.
- All right.
So, toast! Toast! Toast! Toast! - I think I Stop, stop! - You're going to have to do some sound effects, mate, I don't know when you're hitting me.
Toast! Toast! Toast! Oh, toast! - Jon, have you got a mascot? - Well, sort of, Jimmy.
People always er No, they don't.
Sometimes people talk to me, erm, and what they say is, "Oh, I bet your house is full of old tea pots and Countdown prizes.
" Well, it is actually, and it's beginning to piss me off.
So, if you don't mind, cause we've done so many of these shows, I'm just bring back some of the prizes I've won that I just frankly have no use for.
So, I've bought in the Countdown bag and frankly, you can have some of these things back.
So, in the bag I've got me, well, these Countdown boxer shorts.
I'll be honest, I've ridden these absolutely within an inch of their life.
They make me itch.
Anyway, I don't want them any more.
You keep them.
A Countdown basketball I won that a few episodes ago.
I'll tell you now, the Venn diagram of people who are good at Countdown and basketball is two circles.
Now, this is the, erm The I won this a while back, the Countdown ladder.
It was helping me get to things cause I'm small, it goes even bigger than that.
Oh, it's heavier than it was earlier! You'd think they'd be lightweight, wouldn't ya, them? But, no, I don't need me Countdown ladder.
Whoa! And this I won, the old Countdown bowling ball, do you remember that? I've actually decided I might keep this, so are you ready? I mean, this guy, because of the height of this, you can only get a six-year-old in there, so, are you ready to catch, Cecil? - You all right? - Ooh! Somewhere in here Series 3, I think, I put it in there and I can't find My old dignity was in there.
I had dignity.
HE CHUCKLES Oh! Oh, that's gotta hurt, hasn't it? Oh! Ow! APPLAUSE Did you did you find it? Over in Dictionary Corner, he loves a laugh but hates a bath, it's Nick Helm! Fuck off.
Nick, what have you been up to recently? Recently I've been, er, trying to better myself.
So, one of the things was the last time we saw each other, we worked out something where, we worked out that you, - actually, have never seen a single film, have you? - Mm-hm, mm-hm.
- And, then we worked out that I haven't read a single book.
- Mm.
So I have spent the last year just reading as many - books as I can get my hands on.
- What have you read, Nick? - Well, I've read, I've read Sense And Sensibility.
- Mm.
And I read Twilight.
And It Chapter Two and The Secret Life Of Pets.
And then I read Demolition Man, soso we're all up to speed there.
And with Nick Helm, of course, it's Susie Dent! Susie, what do you think is the ugliest language? Everyone says German.
German was my first love and it's beautiful.
Well, give us, give us an example of a beautiful German phrase.
Just very recently I heard the Teletubbies have reached Germany as well, so they have this brilliant phrase which is Teletubbyzuruckwinker, which is their term for an idiot and it's somebody who waves back at the Teletubbies.
That's a little child though.
Yeah, it's a child, but it's, I think it's They're cruel, the Germans.
They're brilliant people.
- Awful people.
- Do they have a different They'll do it again! Sure as eggs is eggs.
They're lying low.
OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel, is it difficult buying clothes now that you're pregnant? I quite like it.
I mean, it's a good excuse to go shopping, because obviously a lot of my stuff doesn't fit.
So, I have to kind of buy things as I go.
So, I bought this last week when I was shopping with Pash.
But I put it on, I was like, you know, "What do you think? Do you like it?'" And he said it looks like one of those scientific diagrams where a heavy object bends space-time.
So, he basically said I look like a black hole.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown American football kit.
OK, time for the first game.
Jon, Chris, you get to pick the letters.
- Chris.
- Yes, mate.
- Please pick.
OK, I'll have a consonant, please.
R A vowel.
I Consonant.
L Consonant.
S Please can I have a vowel? E A consonant.
D Consonant.
X Consonant.
C And a vowel.
We've got RIL SED X-C U Let's go before I forget them.
OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
Ah, right, let's get this done.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, fuck.
Ah! Sorry, Chris, I should explain, sometimes CHRIS LAUGHS Chris, you're, you're in a lot of danger.
I sometimes go sky diving during the 30 seconds.
I have watched at home and I'll be honest, there is massive bits that I haven't got a clue what's going on.
How many letters? Do you know what, I think I've got a six there? - You've got a six? - I think so.
- All right.
- Jon, how many? - I'll try a seven.
- Harriet, how many? - I got a six.
- Sean? - Six.
- Chris, your six.
- SLIDER.
Is that up there? - SUSIE: Yeah.
- CHRIS: Get in! Ah, Harriet, your six? CURSED - Very nice.
- Thank you.
Sean, your six? CURLED CURLED.
Nice.
You just copied me.
No, cos it's a different word, look.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey, you're best friends, remember? - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
If you forget, just put your necklaces together, see if they fit.
- Yeah.
- SEAN CHUCKLES Sean, look, you've got to just lean over and put them together, cos then it's That's what friends do.
I feel like I'm being groomed into a me-too scenario here.
- Friends.
- Aw, that's nice! - Aw, you fit perfectly, don't you? - Yeah, it's nice.
- Yeah.
Does it feel right? It feels so right.
It just feels right.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Jon, your seven? It's when a couple have an argument and one of them is sent to sleep in a different bedroom, that partner has been SEXILD.
SEXILD? It's not there, Jon, I'm afraid.
- Oh.
- Could they have done any better? - Yeah.
There were two sevens.
There was CRUISED.
- Yep.
- And then SLUICED.
- As in, "She SLUICED herself in the bidet.
" OK.
So at the end of that, Jon and Chris have 6 points, Harriet and Sean have 6 points.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sean, Harriet, your turn to pick the numbers.
- What, what am I meant to say? - Two big and four, and four small.
- Oh.
- Two big - Two big and four small.
- OK.
- We've got 6, 7, 2, 5, 75 and 25, and the target 736.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 736.
- Chris, did you get it? - I think I've got 735, Jimmy.
735? OK.
Jon, did you get it? Yes, I also have 735.
OK, Sean, did you get it? ErI've got 732.
OK.
Harriet, did you get it? - I think I got 737 or 735.
- OK.
So, Chris, how did you do it? I did the 75 + 25 + 5.
- Yep, 105.
- And times'd it by 7.
- 735, one away, well done.
- There you go.
- That's good.
Harriet, how did you do it? If you have the number 5 and you times it by 2, - you make the number 10.
- Yep.
- And then 7 x, 75 x 10 = 750.
And thenthe 6 and the 7 are - Yeah.
- .
.
13 and then it's - Yeah.
- Well done.
- 737.
- 737.
It was one off, but I wrote it down.
Well, 7 points to both teams.
Rachel, could that be done? It was there, Jimmy.
If you say 75 x 5 = 375.
Take away 7, for 368 and times it by 2 for 736.
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Nick Helm, what have you got for us? - Oh, well, Jimmy, I have written a poem.
- Oh, lovely.
This is a poem called You're Back Late.
You're, you're back late, WâWhere have you been? No, no, no, you're just back late, that's all.
No, IâI'm not keeping tabs on you, I was just No, I was just asking.
No, no, I'm sorry, I was just, I was just worried about you, that's all.
No, I No, I didn't mean to overstep the mark.
No, you're just a bit later than I thought you'd be.
Well, that's It's just you could have texted or phoned.
Yeah, no, no, I know you don't always have reception.
You're just a bit later than I thought you'd be.
I was going to cook.
DON'T FUCKING LEAVE ME! That's You're Back Late.
Nick Helm, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are DONG EXIT.
The clue is - I feel better already.
That's DONG EXIT - I feel better already.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DONG EXIT, the clue was - I feel better already.
It was, of course, DETOXING.
OK, the scores are tied, 13 apiece.
- Chris, how are you finding Countdown? - OK, Jimmy, to be honest.
I'veI've started off better than I thought I might do, but, you know, as you know, I'm doing it all in me head.
And so, I had an idea that maybe it might be good to, you know, level the playing field a little bit, so I brought some blindfolds with me, Jimmy.
I've got them here, yes.
So, we were going to ask everyone to play blindfolded.
- Right.
- Yeah, sure.
- OK, there you go.
- Yeah, yeah.
OK, so blindfolds on, everyone.
Harriet, your turn to choose.
It's a bit tight, my blindfold.
One of the advantages of being blind is you can't actually feel it on your face.
I cheated once at Blind Man's Buff when I was a kid.
And I won a packet of, erm fig rolls.
LAUGHTER Then I snuck off and I ate them all on me own and I was sick.
And do you know what lesson I learnt from that? I don't like fig rolls.
OK, Harriet, you're picking the letters.
How do I do that? You just say "vowel" and "consonant".
You don't use your eyes.
If it was the kind of Countdown where we have to let Rachel know by eye movements, then Harriet, pick the letters.
Umfour vowels No, don't do that.
- That's the way to do it - Sorry.
- Let's rush through it! I'm worried someone's going to creep up on me.
LOUDLY: It won't be me! Um, one vowel A JON: She said one vowel! So don't make it harder.
SEAN: I've just realised, I'm writing them down, but I've got my pen up round the wrong way.
Jimmy, this is the worst idea I've ever had.
And another vowel, please No, a consonant, please.
S S.
And a vowel, please.
O AS O.
And a consonant, please.
H AS OH.
LAUGHTER And As oh! A consonant, please.
D Consonant.
P A consonant.
S Another vowel, please.
E AS OH DPSE.
LAUGHTER Another one, please.
You can have an O or a R.
- It doesn't matter, at this point.
- R.
- R.
OK, your time starts now.
SHE MUMBLES As oh OK, Chris, how many? I think I've got a six.
OK, Jon, how many? I think I've got a six.
- Sean, how many? - I've got a six.
- Harriet, how many? - Is ASO a word? LAUGHTER Can we take them off now, or should we keep them on? Nah.
Keep them on for a bit.
- You're so powerful, aren't you, Jimmy? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER Do you have a blindfold on, Jimmy? Sometimes, yeah.
OK, no, you can take your blindfolds off if you want.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
PUSHED.
- Is there a U in PUSHED, do you think? - No, there's no U.
I thought there was a U came up.
PUSHED, OK.
Jon, your six? - SPARED.
- SPARED.
Chris, what'd you get? I had SHAPED, is that up there? - SUSIE: Yeah.
- Ey.
HARRIET: I'm sorry I did badly.
Do you want another gift? You did really badly.
LAUGHTER - All right.
Oh, I wonder what this is.
- Yeah.
I bet you can't guess! It's .
.
a 2 for 1 travel together railcard! You can go anywhere, but only with me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE This will last for how long? - Er, a year.
- Right.
Certainly outlive the friendship.
LAUGHTER Er, Nick, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, they could have had a nine.
- A nine? - Yeah.
- What was the nine? It was RHAPSODES.
It's "rhap" with an H, and it's people who deliver rhapsodies, who used in Ancient Greece to deliver epic poems and things.
Oh, people like Nick Helm.
APPLAUSE Er, before we go on, Nick, how's your week been? Anything special happened this last week? Oh, yeah, it was my birthday.
- Aww.
- It was your birthday? - Yeah.
Well, you know that we love you on the show, so we thought we'd get you some treats.
Bring in the treats.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Happy birthday to ya # Happy birthday to ya # Happy birthday Happy birthday to ya # Happy birthday to ya Happy birthday LOUD POP Hang on, whoa, whoa, cut the music, cut the music.
Cut the music, I'll very quickly explain.
Chris, we just shot Nick Helm.
LAUGHTER It's your birthday, and we thought we'd celebrate, so we got you some I know you like strong cider.
I didn't think you'd want a cake, - I got you a kebab with a sparkler in it.
- Sure, thank you.
And do I get to keep that? Yeah, you can do whatever you want with that.
I'm going to take it out for dinner.
Maybe get it laminated first.
Happy birthday, Nick.
- Thank you very much.
That's really nice of you all.
- No problem at all.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Harriet and Sean have 13, Jon and Chris have 19! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Chris.
OK, Chris, your turn to pick the numbers.
Rachel, I'm going to go for - just one big one and the rest little, please.
- Lovely.
One big one and five little ones coming up, and this time the little ones are 7, 4, 5, 7, 8, and the big one, CHRIS: Cool, I'm good with that.
And the target, 427.
OK your time starts now.
OK so the target was 427.
Chris, did you get it? I think I might have 426.
- OK, Sean did you get it? - No.
Chris 426? - Right, it was 25 - Yeah.
And I timesed that by 17, and I think I got the 17 by doing 8 + 5 + 4, was it? 8 + 5 + 4 There you go, that was 17.
I timesed it together, I did 7 ÷ 7 = 1 and I stuck it on.
Oh, well, seven points to Chris.
Well done.
APPLAUSE - Um, Rachel? - Yes? - Could it be done? - If you say 8 x 7 = 56 + 5 = 61 x 7 = 427.
APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Nick Helm, what have you got for us? OK, well, I think that we established without any doubt in our minds that I haven't read any books, but I have written this.
MUSIC PLAYS # This is just a list of films # Just a list of basic films # This is just a list of films # Just a list of basic films # Silence Of The Lambs Best Laid Plans # Tommy Boy, X-Files Idle Hands # The Taking of Pelham 123 # Flash Dance, Foot Loose Despicable Me # Indiana Jones and all of the Bonds # Kill Bill, Braveheart Legally Blonde # Eight Harry Potters and his magic wand # The MCU, Star Trek Beyond # Casablanca, The Wizard Of Oz # Jurassic Park and fucking Jaws # Gone With The Wind It's A Wonderful Life # Commando, Rambo The Bishop's Wife # Cat In The Hat Snakes On A Plane # Aliens, Spaceballs Singing In The Rain # Vertigo The Man Who Knew Too Much # Zoolander, Starsky Starsky And Hutch # Ocean's Eleven Far From Heaven # Punch-Drunk Love Police Academy 7 # Red Joan Black Swan # Children Of The Corn Gone Baby Gone # Fruitvale Station Lost In Translation # 101 and 2 Dalmatians # Romancing The Stone Jewel Of The Nile # Bio-Dome Mona Lisa Smile # Evil Dead Drop Dead Fred # Halloween 5 and Waking Ned # Sleeping, Black, American Beauty, # A little-known Indian film called Julie # Thor, Saw, Above The Law # Avatar, Fight Club, Death Wish 4 # Schindler's List The Exorcist # American Graffiti and The fucking Mist # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Cool Runnings Everybody! # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings AUDIENCE SINGS: Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Put your hands up! # Cool Runnings # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Keep going! # Cool Runnings, Cool Runnings Cool Runnings Sing it louder! # This is just a list of films # Just a list of basic films # This is just a list of films # Just a list, a list of films # Rocky I, II, III, VI, V Balboa # Spinal Tap, Mighty Wind Best In Show # The Lawnmower Man with his little lawnmower # Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan in Rush Hour # Grease, Fame Gerald's Game # The Jerk, Three Amigos Man With Two Brains # Sleepless In Seattle When Harry Met Sally # Pretty In Pink and Paradise Alley # Starship Troopers Wuthering Heights # The Invisible Man and fucking Boogie Nights # Back To The Future 3, 2, 1 All of these films and she ain't seen none! LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Nick Helm, everyone! And here is your teaser.
The words are NEAT PARP, the clue is - there's no hiding it.
That's NEAT PARP, there's no hiding it.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to teaser - the words were NEAT PARP.
The clue was - there's no hiding it.
It was, of course, APPARENT.
OK before we get on, he's not on the show any more but he turns up anyway - it's Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
CHEERING Are you, er You all right, Joe? All right, Jimmy? Ohh, sorry that took a while.
I got bloody shin splints.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I've had a bit of a growth spurt, the last couple of weeks, I've gone up about 50 foot from the knees down.
I guess that's what happens when you hit your 40s, you know, but c'est la vie.
Oh, yeah I tell you what I'm gonna do, Jimmy, cos I'm quite high up, I'm gonna turn my headcam on cos I thought you might still wanna see my face? LAUGHTER - Oh, I see, yeah.
- Hello.
Hello, Jimmy, it's nice up here.
There's lots of, er, lots of dead pigeons, which is nice, look, there he is.
There's loads of 'em.
Someone needs to do a bit of dusting.
Honestly, hoover it out once in a while, guys.
Oh, hello, I'm in here, yes, there's a piece of quiche.
Look at that, yeah, a bit of quiche.
There's a bit of bird muck on it but Oh, hello, Jimmy? - Yeah.
- Do you remember we lost that lighting guy a couple of years ago? Yeah? Roger, we lost him a couple of I think I've found him.
Any idea what this switch does? Hold on.
I'm gonna give it go.
EQUIPMENT POWERS DOWN Ah, yeah, I think I've realised what it's done, Jimmy.
I think it's turned the lights off.
Hold on.
Sorry.
Can you turn them back on? I'm trying to find the bloody switch, mate! - Is that it? No, that's not the one.
- ALARM BLARES No.
That's the pissing alarm.
Hold on.
DOORBELL RINGS There's a doorbell.
Why the fuck's there a doorbell? Hold on, got it here, here we go.
- PING! - There's a microwave, Why would they put a microwave? EQUIPMENT POWERS UP Oh, here we go, here we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Joe? Joe, what's, er, what's going on there? Oh.
Ah, I think in the, er in the excitement my plums fell out.
There's a bit of a gust in here.
Mate, mate, you should probably go before Susie latches on.
Yeah, actually I'd better head off that quiche has gone off, I think.
Oh, Christ, right, I'm gonna need the lav, it's starting to come out.
Right, I'll see ya later.
Let's play Countdown! OK, on with the game.
Jon, Chris, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
P And a vowel.
O And a consonant, please.
V We'll have another vowel, please.
A And another, er, consonant, please.
R A consonant, please.
Er, consonant, please.
S And another consonant, please.
M And a vowel, please.
And the last one U And your time starts now.
Oh, lovely.
There.
Lovely.
Oh, shit.
Oh, kids, don't put your hands on a waffle iron because it didn't really work.
Waffles, please.
Thanks, Fabio.
Can I make you a waffle, sir? Is this is like real food? - Vegan or non-vegan? - I don't know.
How are you gonna eat them now? - You're allergic to everything, aren't you? - I've got a flag.
You got a flag, I think it means vegan or? Oh, I see what you mean, yours has got a flag in it? I'm sorry, I was just pointing that She can't eat it - just her a flag.
Ah, Jon, how many? A seven.
A seven? OK, how many Chris? Do you know what? I can't believe I'm gonna say this out loud - I think I've got a seven? - Sean, how many? - Six.
- Ah, Harriet, how many? - Five.
- All right, what's your five? - STORM.
- OK, Sean? SPROU Er, Chris? I think I've got VAPOURS.
You have.
- Get in there.
- VAPOURS! Er, Jon what's yours? I've got VAPOURS as well.
Well, 7 points to Jon and Chris.
Nick, Susie could they have done any better? - No.
- Get in.
What have you put on your waffle there? Cream, blueberries, strawberries.
What are these little spongey things? Oh, that was when the confetti kind of went off before.
They're marshmallows.
Are they? OK, so the end of that, Jon and Chris are in the lead with 33.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are LUBE ROBS.
The clue is - these are big and heavy.
That's LUBE ROBS.
These are big and heavy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were LUBE RODS.
The clue was - these are big and heavy.
It was, of course, BOULDERS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Harriet, your turn to choose.
Could I have a vowel please, Rachel? Of course, you can Sean.
E.
Thank you, and I'll have a consonant.
N And then a vowel.
A And then a consonant.
L Vowel, please.
I Consonant.
R Consonant.
D Consonant.
N Consonant.
And Z OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
COUNTDOWN MUSIC AND CLOCK APPLAUSE MUSIC COMES UP: # I'm every woman It's all in me APPLAUSE OK, all right, Sean, how many? - Six.
- Six? OK, Harriet? Five.
Ah, Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Ooh! Just a six, mate.
- Just a six? - I think, yeah.
OK, Harriet, your five.
LEARN Sean, your six.
LIZARD Chris? I've got LAZIER.
Jon, your seven? Well, you know how you can be manlier than someone else? - Oh, yeah.
- If specifically you want to be like a man called Dan, you can be DANLIER.
- DANLIER, that should be in there.
- Yes.
I'm not even going to look that up.
OK, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Nick, Susie, tell us, could they have done any better? They could have had INLANDER for 8.
OK, so Harriet and Sean have 19, Jon and Chris has 39.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
- How can Chris do this? - How can Chris do this? Er, Chris, the words are I'm gonna start the time as I tell you this.
The words are BORED WANK.
BORED WANK B-O-R-E-D W-A-N-K B-O-R-E-D W-A-N-K - Got it! - Got it? Yeah, go on, Chris? I've not I've never had this in my life, but I've got a feeling it might be BREAKDOWN.
He's only gone and bloody gone it! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh, yes.
Come on, Chris! So, the final scores are Harriet and Sean have 19, Jon and Chris have 49.
So, congratulations, Jon and Chris, you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown American Football Kit.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.