American Dad s19e06 Episode Script

1
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
As the official party
planner for your birthday
Hmm. Well, I've taken the liberty
of putting together
some potential themes.
We could do glam rock, Super Mario Bros,
the Roaring Twenties.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
- [BOTH PANTING]
What? Where? On On me?
Langley's getting an Awww Shucks.
What's that?
Awww Shucks is a fast-food chain
with the best fried clams in the world.
And they're served in their own shell.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
And they have this sauce
Special Sauce.
It's so beloved,
people have literally
been buried with it.
And we're talking living people.
People who just wanna be alone
in the dirt with the sauce.
Well, if my best friends love it,
I'm sure I'll love it too.
When do I get to slurp up my first clam?
Sorry. Gross.
Knew it as soon as I said it.
The grand opening is tomorrow.
- Hey, what's that?
- I'm planning Toshi's birthday party.
[WHISPERING] Is he still
calling it his quinceanera?
Yes. And I don't know how to ask why
without sounding racist.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[ROGER] Ah!
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
These clams must be amazing.
Is that Bruce Springsteen in line?
Yeah. The Boss is a huge Shucker.
And watch this.
Shucks for you! Shucks for me!
[ALL] At Awww Shucks
we're all clam-ily ♪
Taking a selfie with
the Secret Sauce tank
is another rite of passage.
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
And the tank is actually
full of real sauce. Look.
- [GRUNTS]
- Excuse me, sir.
Please keep away from the sauce tank.
It's a violation of rule number 47B.
Customers are only allowed
one sauce squirt per clam.
I don't like you.
Um, sir, who are you?
The name's Matt M.
Another Matt works here too.
Assistant manager of store number 52.
Shucks is my religion,
the employee manual is my bible,
and this is my sermon.
One sauce squirt per clam, my son.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CASH REGISTER BEEPS]
You guys are the experts.
What should I get?
There's a secret menu too.
Seaweed Style, Barnacle Style.
And if you say, "Clam me," they
[WOMAN] Clam me!
[SQUISHY THUD]
[MUFFLED] Thank you.
You need to take your very first bite
on the Clam Throne.
- Well?
- Yeah.
They're
fine.
I mean, they're finally in my mouth,
and I couldn't be happier?
- [DISGUSTED MURMURS]
- [MAN] Come on.
Heads up. Clamboni coming through.
What the hell is going on?
This is the coldest reception
the Clamboni has ever gotten.
And I've driven this
thing into a church.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Mail's here!
That's Mr. Miner's mail.
- Who is Mr. Miner?
- [THUDDING]
The guy who lived here before us.
We've been getting his mail
ever since we moved in.
Why don't you just throw it away?
And commit a federal crime?
I have two strikes.
And I'm saving the third for when the
King Tut exhibit comes back to town.
You should find Mr. Miner
and give him his mail.
He probably misses it.
Oh, find him? No sweat.
I'll just run his mail
through a CIA profiling machine
and create a detailed
profile we can track.
Wait. What if I run his mail
through a CIA profiling machine
and create a detailed
profile we can track?
Could that work?
Jeff, I wouldn't have said it twice
if I didn't think it could work.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
-
Great. It's spreading.
Steve, you gotta give
Shucks another chance.
You must've had a bad bite.
We made you a better bite.
Mm.
Yum-yummity-yum-yum-yummers.
All right!
There's a Shucker born every minute.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
[FLIES BUZZING]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC ENDS]
Fee-fi-fo-fum.
I smell something nasty in locker 211.
Open her up, Chappy.
Fine. I'll admit it!
I don't like Shucks.
Do what you must. Tar and feather me.
Put my head and hands through whatever
you call that big wooden thing.
[SIGHS] It's okay that clams
aren't your jam, buddy.
If you don't like 'em, don't eat 'em.
Really? That's great.
I was worried you guys were gonna
exclude me, or or shun me, or
I believe the word you're
looking for is ostracize.
And "that big wooden thing"
is called a pillory.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [IMPERCEPTIBLE DIALOG]
And now the machine will make
a visual profile of Mr. Miner
based on the data from his mail.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[FRANCINE] So Miner is super jacked?
Well, he does subscribe to
Muscle Madness fitness magazine.
And the Hawaiian shirt?
Well, that's either his Jimmy
Buffett Fan Club membership
or his coupons from Trader Joe's.
Okay. Then how do you
explain the big pirate hat?
The library keeps sending him overdue
book notices for Treasure Island.
So, how do we find this junk mail hunk?
The tracking machine's
compiling his profile data,
and now we print the results.
Whoops. I just sent it to
the 3D printer by mistake.
The CIA has a 3D printer?
Yeah. We also have a coffee maker.
Does that blow you away?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
So, what's the theme of this party?
Lame bullshit nobody likes?
It's classic literature come to life.
There's an Of Mice and
Men rabbit-petting room.
A Scarlet Letter room where we
all shame Toshi as an adulteress.
And a room full of monitors
where we can watch all
the other rooms like 1984.
- No Batman room?
- Literature, Klaus.
Comic books are books, Steve.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Happy birthday, Toshi.
Step into this house
and step into the required
reading of our grade.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
the surprises, but the big finale
is we all take a hot air
balloon ride together
like Around the World in Eighty Days.
Oh, no.
My grandma just died.
Oh, gosh. That's terrible.
I need to go plan her funeral.
Holy cow. My grandma died too.
She was in a duel with Barry's grandma
and they shot each
other at the same time.
Wait. What?
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
What happened?
Of course.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL] Happy birthday!
[MAN] Happy birthday.
[ALL CHEERING]
They had their own party
and didn't invite me?
Billy went to a party?
And lied about it?
He told me he couldn't go grave-robbing
because he had to study
for a Spanish quiz.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Can't believe my stupid friends
ditched me for stupid clams.
I hate Awww Shucks.
[CHUCKLING] Steve,
I'm loving this dark turn you're taking.
You're giving off major Joker vibes,
the Joaquin Phoenix version.
Cast out from society
for not absolutely loving clams.
Couldn't help but overhear.
I hate Shucks too.
When they opened next to Sub Hub,
parking got so bad I have
to skate 25 minutes to work.
You skateboard?
Please. I've been shredding the gnar
since Tony Hawk was Tony Egg.
Why can't my friends see
how terrible that place is?
Look. All restaurants
are secretly gross.
At Sub Hub, we call it "shaved turkey"
because we scrape mold off each
morning with a razor blade.
You wanna take down Shucks?
Get a job there and dig up dirt.
I'm gonna say it. Radical.
This 3D-printed Mr.
Miner looks hot as hell,
but we're no closer to
getting rid of his mail.
Huh, he's got a switch.
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Hello,
current occupant.
We'll pay cash to buy your home.
Surprisingly sexy voice.
Dear Virginia Gas & Electric customer,
installing solar panels can
save you hundreds on your bill.
Wait. He's just saying
nonsense like a hot dummy.
Actually, it's yes-sense.
He's saying, "Hello,"
but he only knows words from his mail.
You're pre-approved already.
See? He's telling me I'm right.
If this guy knows all the
info in Mr. Miner's mail,
we can use him to find the real Miner.
Oh, good. Stan.
We haven't seen you in weeks.
You're supposed to be
overseeing the drone strike
on that Afghan terrorist bunker.
Yeah, well,
I'm doing this instead, okay?
This is a clam.
God's little miracle.
It's hard as hell on the outside,
but that's why it's so
goshdang tender on the inside.
Now, the secret to shucking clams is
Ow! The secret is Ow!
The secret Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Just give me the damn knife.
Taking the initiative.
I like that.
Time to dig up some dirt
and bring this place down.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[OIL SIZZLING]
A-ha! Rat droppings.
A major health code violation.
[SNIFFS] Damn it.
These are droppings from
the super-fresh clams.
If there's one thing I know,
it's the smell of underwater poops.
Maybe there's nothing
wrong with their food.
But every fast-food chain
screws over their employees.
Whoa! Shucks workers get
a month of paid vacation.
And their retirement plan is a 402(K),
one better than usual.
There's no dirt anywhere.
Maybe this place is perfect
and I'm the problem.
Maybe my friends are right.
Wh-What's wrong with me?
There's nothing wrong with you, Steve.
It's society.
You're a terrific kid.
You should just poison the clams.
That's what the Joker would do
Shut up about the Joker, Klaus!
- Yow!
- [MATT M] Uh-oh. I know that sound.
Minor flesh wound.
Manual says you got ten minutes
to clean it and cream it.
First aid kit's in my office.
Clock starts now.
Stop looking for the first aid kit,
Klaus.
I want it to get infected,
like society has been
infected by these clam-lovers.
Again, loving the darkness, Steve.
And if we're looking for dirt,
I think we're getting warmer.
It's a keypad lock, and
we don't know the password. Unless
Yep, the password is "clams."
Of course the password is "clams."
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[STEVE] Attention, Shuckers.
I've learned information
I feel obligated to share.
Turns out,
the Special Sauce you all love so much
is just mayo and tartar sauce.
Leave it to Shucks
to make the ordinary extraordinary.
[ALL CHEERING]
[LAUGHING] Am I the only one
who hasn't been
brainwashed by this place?
I feel like I'm going insane.
Yes. That's total Joker talk.
I'm not the frickin' Joker!
- [PEOPLE GASP]
- Steve!
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS] Joker, Joker, Joker!
[CACKLING]
Stop him. That much exposure
to the toxic preservative
in Special Sauce
will drive him insane.
My Special Sauce is toxic?
Just a smidge,
but it's neutralized by a
natural chemical in clams.
- Is he gonna be okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.
After that much sauce exposure,
he just needs to eat 100 pounds of clams
in the next 24 hours,
or he'll go insane forever.
That shouldn't be a problem.
He likes clams, right?
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
-
All right, 3D-printed Mr. Miner,
tell us where real Mr. Miner lives
so we can dump off all this damn mail.
Voter registration
address for Mr. A. Miner.
416 Cherry Street.
I know where that is!
Yeah. That's our house, Jeff.
That's where his mail's been going.
He's gotta be getting these
huge muscles from somewhere.
Maybe he goes to a gym?
Credit card transaction.
June fifth, Chimdale Fitness Club.
He lives in Chimdale.
Nobody drives to that
craphole just to use a gym.
Mr. Miner,
what kind of car do you drive?
It's time to renew auto insurance
on your yellow 2005 Nissan Rogue.
We got him. Let's roll.
[FRANCINE] Mmm [GIGGLING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
What the heck?
- [SPRAY HISSING]
- Oh!
[CACKLING]
Good morning, boys and girls.
Your teacher's indisposed.
So your substitute's here to
teach you a little lesson.
Snot, Barry, Toshi,
please remove the items
I've taped under your desks.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Now, if I may direct your
attention out the window,
you'll see your beloved
Awww Shucks eating establishment.
And you'll notice two hot
air balloons above it.
[BARRY] Neat. Balloons!
Not just balloons, Barry, a dilemma.
Neat. Dilemma balloons!
The basket of one balloon
is filled with every single clam
from the Shucks kitchen below.
And in the other balloon
are all three of your grandmas,
who turned out to be miraculously alive.
And, uh-oh,
I know all about Toshi's
little clam party too.
- Steve, we can explain
- I'll do the explaining.
The remote control has a
"Save Clams" button
and a [GIGGLES] "Save Grams" button.
You can only press one.
And when you do,
the other balloon will be cut loose
and float away forever!
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
The grandmas are old,
the clams are young.
The choice is clear.
If God wanted us to save grandmas,
he wouldn't have given us clams.
Why so serious, boys?
Worried your little
friends will turn on you
if you don't choose the clams?
Well, welcome to my world!
Awesome!
I thought you'd be more
of a Jack Nicholson Joker,
but this whole twisted
moral dilemma thing
is very Heath Ledger.
Steve, buddy,
the sauce is making you crazy.
Uh-uh-uh.
Pick a balloon, or I let both go.
[OTHERS] Clams, clams, clams, clams.
Toshi, you know I hate to go against
a chant, but save the grandmas.
[ALL GASP]
Aw, say bye-bye to your
precious mollusks, kiddies.
And you have Snot,
Barry and Toshi to blame.
The scary clown's right.
They ruined everything.
Well, look at that.
Your friends walked out on you.
You might even say
you've been ex-clam-unicated.
- [SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]
- Oh, no. Look.
[BALLOON PUNCTURING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
What's wrong?
Never seen a clam bake before?
The flavor is explosive.
Great timing.
[SIGHS] This is fun.
I killed Shucks ♪
Hey! ♪
I'm dancing on its grave ♪
[SOBBING]
Look what you've done.
No, it can't be.
-
- Clamboni.
No!
Steve, we're sorry.
Nobody at school will
talk to us anymore.
Oh, they clammed up on you
because you were being shellfish?
We're glad you burned it down.
In fact, we think
you should burn them all down.
With our help.
Burn down every Shucks.
[LAUGHING] I love it.
Only question is where to start.
We start where it started.
The original restaurant
in Ocean City, Maryland.
How poetic.
The birthplace of Shucks
becomes the deathplace of Shucks.
[ALL CACKLING]
There it is!
Yellow Nissan Rogue.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hello?
Hi.
Um, does your son live here?
'Cause we've been getting
a Mr. Arnold Miner's mail
for, like, 20 years.
[CRYING]
I'm sorry.
Arnie was my husband.
He passed several years ago.
Today is our anniversary.
Tell her you'd do it all over again
with the perfect anniversary gift.
Arnie? Is that you?
Every kiss begins with Kay.
It is you.
Oh, Arnold, you've returned to me.
Thank you.
Now, if you don't mind,
Mr. and Mrs. Miner
have several years of
lovemaking to catch up on.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
Destroy everything.
I hope these mother [BLEEP]
have insurance!
Enough with the appetizer.
I'm hungry for the main course.
Hello. I'd like to order an entire
restaurant burned to the ground.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Drop these babies in the deep fryer
and your order will be complete.
The beating heart of Shucks.
And I feel a heart attack coming on.
Snot, the M-80s, please.
[SNOT] I'm afraid I can't.
We're not really here
to burn down Shucks.
We're here to save you.
The Special Sauce turned
you into a monster.
That's why we lured you here.
It's the only place with enough clams.
Enough clams to what?
To neutralize the toxic sauce.
I should've known! [GRUNTS]
You still care more
about Shucks than me.
We're doing this because
we care about you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
Ow, my head.
Steve, we're sorry.
If we didn't ditch you for clams,
this never would've happened.
And I'm sorry I
jeopardized our friendship
with arson and light vandalism.
Honestly, after what we've been through,
I never wanna see another clam again.
As weird as it may sound,
I've kinda developed a taste for them.
In fact, clam me.
Delicio
[STOMACH GURGLES, RETCHING]
Bye, bye! See you soon!