American Dad s19e07 Episode Script

1
[JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING]
Big day.
Not only am I about to crack the
recipe for an at-home Orange Julius,
it's also hamster day.
I'm adopting a hamster.
The lady's coming to
drop it off right now.
- [VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
- Oh, that's fun.
It's always so fun with you.
Say, uh, remind me to do
something in five minutes.
What do you have to do?
Something. Don't worry about it.
Just tell me when it's been
five minutes. Jeez.
I'm insane busy.
Just set a timer on your phone.
This is a Game Boy.
Stan confiscated my phone
because I didn't take out the trash.
That shouldn't be my job.
It takes me all weekend.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [SQUEALS]
- Hayley Smith?
- My hamster!
No, not yours yet.
I need to take a quick
look around first.
Oh, didn't realize
this wasn't a done dealio.
You know, I thought about buying one,
but just couldn't do it. Had to rescue.
We appreciate it.
Me too. Free hamster.
Like, I have money,
but I don't have hamster money.
Oh, wow. What happened here?
Science, art, magic.
I'm about to disrupt the entire
Orange Julius sector on a grand scale.
Are you stoned?
Yeah, but I could go again
if you want to.
I call it "Hayley Julius."
Shouldn't it be "Orange Hayley"?
Uh, no.
"Julius" is the money word.
I'm gonna be so rich in business.
- I see.
- Wait till you see in your mouth.
[GAGS] This-a tastes like kaka.
I cannot leave this hamster with you.
What? Why?
If I'm being honest,
you're not ready to take
care of anyone or anything.
You seem like a big child.
I am an adult woman.
[WOMAN] No, you're not!
No. No, she's not.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[ROGER] Ah!
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
Let's circle back after Japan.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Hayley, whatever this is, I can't.
I got 12 deals to close by EOD.
I am shook.
People don't see me as an adult.
I'm an adult, right?
This hamster lady said
I was a big child.
Is it 'cause I'm trying to do
all the Hayley Julius stuff?
It's certainly not helping.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
I had the time of my life ♪
[DOOR SLAMS]
Speaking of big children,
my 13-year-old daughter, Gilda,
is home from Swiss boarding school.
All she does is sit in her room
and watch Dirty Dancing over and over.
Love Dirty Dancing.
Great movie. Sexy as hell.
Don't be disgusting. But, yeah,
someone should talk to her.
Not me, of course.
I have my hands full with all my deals.
My smoking-hot wife,
her smoking-hot mom, is dead.
Great woman. Jewish woman.
She wanted Gilda raised Jewish.
But I'm raising her nothing
because I just don't have the time,
to raise her or to talk to her.
This is quite a story.
My daughter is going
through something probably.
Sounds like definitely.
Yeah. Gonna have my
assistant send her an email.
Hi, Devante.
Send Gilda an email
with the message, "Walk it off."
Wait. This is the perfect
thing for me to do.
Okay. Do you have her email?
I don't, but I'll have Devante forward.
- Roger
- Barney Bux.
- It sounds like this girl
- Gilda.
Which is also you, I assume?
It is me,
but I don't want to belabor that.
Wasn't going to.
You said your 13-year-old daughter
is very into Dirty
Dancing all of a sudden?
Uh, paging Dr. Hayley.
Diagnosis: tweenage sexual awakening.
Sounds like Gilda just needs
a super-cool adult woman
to be there for her.
Something that I am.
Owie!
'Sup? I'm Hayley.
Dirty Dancing. Noice.
Just came by to chat.
Uh, would you mind pausing the movie?
After this part.
This is a good part.
The good parts start at the
beginning and go to the end.
Damn right they do.
Baby's dad is mad,
but he just doesn't understand.
Shh. This is where she goes swimming.
In shorts.
Oh, Jennifer Grey is laughing so much
when he tickles her armpit.
Do we think that was scripted?
It feels [SIGHS] very real.
I've had the time of my life ♪
Baby's sister can't sing for shit.
I heard when they finished shooting,
the cast had a huge water balloon fight.
Jerry Orbach got hit in the face,
and did not take it well.
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
So, what's up
with all the Dirty Dancing?
Nothing is up with it. I watch it.
You don't have to be embarrassed.
I'm cool.
I get it, 'kay?
And I'll never judge you.
You're 13.
You're having some new feelings.
- That's not it.
- Of course it is.
It's like one day you're a potato
and the next you're electric.
All you want to do is dance while wearing
crop tops and high heels and tights.
See, but you don't have
any freaking tights.
And your mom's heels
don't fit your extra-wide feet.
It's like trying to shove
a steak into a keyhole.
But crop tops?
Crop tops you can do.
Crop tops could be your thing.
I guess they could be.
They're my thing and I'm still speaking.
Oh, every time the wind
brushes your bellybutton,
you still hear the immortal
words of Patrick Swayze,
not the actor, the lyricist,
singing She's Like the Wind.
And these feelings of yours are normal.
- Okay, but
- But you're scared.
Because you don't have a
clue what you're doing.
And that's why I'm here.
To help you, guide you,
teach you, not preach you,
about what you're fascinated by,
but also scared of.
Let's talk boys.
You want to kiss 'em?
- Well, I
- Well, you can't. Gilda, come on.
There's an order to these things.
Step one, step two, step three.
It goes talk to boy,
get to know boy, then kiss boy.
It's the whole reason why we're here.
- On Earth?
- At the mall.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
Fountain boys.
- Which one do you like?
- I don't like any of them.
I don't want to be at this mall.
You're acting so ashamed
of your normal, healthy feelings.
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Get it together.
Hungry eyes ♪
One look at you
And I can't disguise ♪
I've got hungry ♪
The one in the Pokemon shirt,
that's Charizard.
So [CHUCKLES]
you know he's a little edgy.
Gilda?
Help me. I lost the girl I was
supposed to be taking care of.
Big hair? Nerd vibe?
She followed the pastor into the church.
Church? What church?
You're in a Church's Chicken.
There's always a church in the
back of a Church's Chicken.
Oh, I didn't know that.
If I'm being honest,
you seem like you don't know much.
Gilda,
you can't just wander off like that.
I was worried.
I found the boy I like.
Hungry eyes ♪
Uh that's a man.
I'm gonna talk to him, get to know him,
and then I'm gonna kiss him,
just like you said.
Jesus Christ.
[CHUCKLING] No, you idiot.
He's just a pastor.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
God is everywhere. Mm-kay?
There. There. There.
Over here. Under there.
He's amazing at preaching.
I'm sorry,
but this church is super weird.
It's not even Sunday.
It's open every single day,
and we just keep coming?
What's that about?
Your guidance brought me here.
I'm now shame-free. I like the pastor.
I "like him" like him.
Awesome.
God is good.
He should do good things.
You should do good things.
Good grief.
Wow. I'm gonna do lots of good things.
Starting with step one. Eee!
And now, Amazing Grace.
Amazing grace ♪
How sweet the sound ♪
Order 579 is ready.
Check your tickets please.
That saved a wretch ♪
Like me ♪
579, order's up.
[VOCALIZING]
- Let's go.
- No.
We've been here three times,
and I'm still on step zero.
That's totally fine.
Thanks for being patient with
me while I get up the courage
- to do the thing you said I should do.
- Well, you know
I know I can do this.
I'm doing it.
Hi.
[GILDA LAUGHING]
I did it! I'm out of control!
All that going to church stuff was cool,
but now it's time to stop doing that.
- Right?
- Wrong.
Strawberry ChapStick is a little
forward, root beer is too funky,
but blue razz says quiet sophistication.
Oh, what if we had a sleepover
and ate Fruit Roll-Ups until we puked?
Nah.
Step one is done.
Step two is get to know him.
And I already know him profoundly,
so I guess it's on to step three.
Kiss him!
Ah! I've never been
more ready for anything.
[PANTING LOUDLY]
Gilda, you don't know him.
You don't know anything about him.
Uh, yes, I do. I know his address,
how to undo the latch on the
gate of his apartment complex,
his unit number and where
he keeps his spare key.
Tonight's the night.
I'm gonna be with a man,
just like you said.
I didn't say that!
[SCOFFS] Roger, seriously,
you can't have Gilda
go after a grown man.
I'm doing this for you
so you can prove you're an adult.
Don't make me break character again.
I am an adult.
Well, I am in love.
And you said you'd never judge me.
It sounds like you are judging me.
What? No. Never.
I'll uh, even drive you
to the pastor's apartment.
You would do that for me?
Of course. BRB.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It's going badly, but I can fix it.
- Hold on a sec.
- She has a thing for a pastor.
I'm supposed to be raising her
Jewish, Hayley.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING,
ERIC CARMEN, "HUNGRY EYES"]
- Okay, sir, this stops now.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What?
- Just cool it on being so hot.
You have been really inappropriate
with an impressionable young woman.
I have in no way been
inappropriate with anyone.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Uh, how about walking in here
with an ass like that, for one?
You have a hot face.
Your dimples are insane.
Okay, now I'm feeling it.
So just stop it.
Have a little decency.
Turn around.
Turn back around. Jeez Louise.
You need to hide your body more.
Are you hearing my message?
Steer clear of Gilda.
- Who?
- You're disgusting,
with your perfect shoulders, too.
I bet you could spin me in the air
on one finger like I'm a big basketball.
[BLEEP] it. Use two. It's inappropriate.
You're the one being inappropriate.
You are making me be inappropriate.
Some hot piece of tail
showing up in Langley
with incredible dance training?
This should be illegal.
I'm calling the police on dat ass.
Praise be, hallelujah.
If I took a bite out of that peach,
I would chip a tooth.
This is harassment.
His ass-ment.
His ass is like cement.
I am talking hard.
Jesus Christ!
Did you just use the
Lord's name in vain?
[GASPS] Wow. Okay. Got it.
None of this was making sense,
but it finally does.
Is this a Sister Act situation?
If it is, you have to tell me.
Like, from the movie Sister Act,
with Whoopi Goldberg?
Don't play dumb with me.
You know what Sister Act is.
Are you insinuating that I'm just
a fun and charismatic performer
who is hiding out in a church
pretending to be clergy
because I witnessed a murder
carried out by the Bingoni Mob?
- Get real.
- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
- [MOBSTER] That's him. The Bingonis say hello.
- [GUNSHOTS]
- [GRUNTS]
- [HAYLEY GASPS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Oh, my God. Was this my fault?
No, no.
I can't be responsible for everyone.
Okay. Good news and bad news.
Uh, the good news is that
someone said hello to the pastor.
The bad news is it was a
Mob-style hello where he got got.
- What?
- He's gone.
Gone? Where?
Heaven, I guess.
Then I'm going to heaven too.
Goodbye forever.
Stop! Ugh, jeez.
I'm trying to steer you,
but you're like a bad shopping cart
that veers right into the wall.
- I'm gonna do it!
- Then you'll never see him again.
Because you can't go to
heaven if you kill yourself.
Those pricks thought of everything.
Right.
So the only way to go to heaven
is to do what the pastor
says and do good deeds.
Lots and lots.
So let's just keep you
very with the good deeds.
You mean, like mitzvahs?
I'm supposed to be Jewish.
Hold. "A mitzvah is a good deed."
So, yes, yes,
let's channel all of that amazing,
intense crazy girl energy
into the doing of mitzvahs.
[CHUCKLES] How's that
for being an adult woman?
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Yep, I did this.
We're doing good work here.
Oh, would you like to help as well?
No. She's doing that part.
I would love some more soup, though.
[JAUNTY MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
I brought her here.
Emotionally and physically.
[SIGHS] It feels so good.
Can I get some soup?
Um no.
- [JAUNTY MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
-
[LINE RINGING]
I fixed everything.
I'm in a meeting. I can't talk.
Gilda hasn't mentioned
the pastor in months,
and she's been named
"Female Mensch of the Year."
Oh, her mom would be so happy.
Listen, I'm very busy.
I'm pretending to be in Japan,
pretending to close a deal.
Thank you so much for recognizing me
as "Female Mensch of the Year."
Whoo!
Why do we do good deeds?
Because it's our moral duty to leave
the world better than we found it? No.
[BURPS LOUDLY]
It's so we can just die already,
go to heaven
and do step three with the hot pastor.
My adult friend Hayley
taught me all of this.
But the thing is, it's taking too long.
So I found a loophole.
Whatever the pastor knew, I also know.
I saw the Bingonis do whatever.
- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
- [MOBSTER] She knows too much!
- [GUNFIRE]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Listen, we are on the run now,
so we got to stay safe.
[YAWNING] Yeah, I guess so.
I'm too sleepy to talk.
Can you tell me a story?
Yeah, sure.
Once upon a time,
I thought I was an adult.
I tried to be there for you,
but I just kept making everything worse.
Mm, this is a bad story.
[SNORING]
In a way, you're Roger.
But you're also real.
I will fix this.
I will take care of you.
And no matter what,
I'll never let
- [SNORING]
- them hurt you.
- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
- [MOBSTER] We know to whom you are referring.
[GUNFIRE]
Where's Gilda?
Where am I?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
You must be Hayley.
Welcome. This is for you.
- Oh, okay.
- Picture's up!
There's Baby.
That's Baby's dad. Am I in the shot?
No. You're doing great.
Roll sound. Roll camera.
Hold for sound. Wait.
Is that the pastor?
He dead. Am I dead?
Hi. Is this heaven
or am I somehow a boom mic operator
on the set of Dirty Dancing?
All of the above.
Heaven is Dirty Dancing.
But more specifically,
heaven is the moment on
the set of Dirty Dancing
when we, the people behind the camera,
realize that we're making
something really special.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Real quick. Are you God?
Kind of. I'm Emile Ardolino,
the director of Dirty Dancing.
Okay. You want to hear
something really crazy?
I also directed Sister Act!
- Get the [BLEEP] out.
- You get the [BLEEP] out.
Damn.
Gilda would love it here.
And my arm's not even tired.
This is so wild.
Please wake up.
We don't have to be on the run anymore.
I explained to that Mob family
that I was joking
about knowing whatever.
They were surprisingly cool.
I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
But if you die and kiss my boyfriend,
so help me God
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh. Hi.
I thought you were in Japan.
I was. I'm back.
How do you know Hayley?
And another thing you can do in heaven
is come up to the screening room
and watch your favorite
scene over and over again,
as if for the first time.
- [WHISPERS] It's exquisite.
- The armpit tickle scene?
You really like that scene,
more than anyone else.
But as I'm sure you know,
Dirty Dancing is a rich and deep text,
and as such, holds different
meanings for different people.
I did not know that.
I thought it was just
sexy and horny and stuff.
For example,
you love the armpit tickle scene.
But your friend Gilda loves this scene.
When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong.
You looked wonderful out there.
[HAYLEY] Oh, my God. I was
totally wrong about what Gilda
was getting from the movie.
I finally know how to fix things.
Not ready to go to the big Dirty Dancing
screening room in the sky just yet.
[GASPS] She wasn't boy-crazy.
She was man-crazy.
About her dad.
But not like that.
I'm the one who got
her obsessed with boys.
I met Emile Ardolino,
and he showed me that you can't
actually care for someone
if you aren't seeing them clearly.
Everything went off the rails
because I was pushing my stuff on you.
Yeah, I tried to tell you, but
you were talking so much at the mall.
- You're talking a lot now too.
- Oh, good. You're both here.
- Roger
- Barney Bux!
You need to make it right.
Tell her all the things you never said.
Okay.
- Your mother died.
- Yeah, I know.
- How?
- I figured it out.
Not this. Say the lines.
Oh. I have been distant
these last 13 years.
No, say the lines from the movie.
That's where the magic is.
Can't I just say what I feel personally?
Absolutely not. Say,
"When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong."
When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong.
Then look at your beautiful daughter,
who is blossoming into her own person.
She's becoming a woman.
You see that now.
Say, "You looked wonderful out there."
- Out where?
- Just say it!
You looked wonderful out there.
Now I've had the time of my life ♪
And I've never
Felt like this before ♪
Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪
And I owe it all to you ♪
'Cause I've had
The time of my life ♪
[WHOOSHING]
Raider Dave!
Wow. All roads lead to Raider Dave.
Well done, Hayley.
- You looked wonderful out there.
- [WINDOW SHATTERS]
I've seen enough.
I hereby declare you an adult woman.
This hamster is yours.
Hey, did my family come to
visit me while I was in a coma?
Hmm. No one told them, I don't think.
Haven't seen 'em in a while,
if I'm being honest.
- Hayley, is it five minutes yet?
- [VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
No answer? Really?
I have to do everything around here.
"Klaus, take out the trash."
"Klaus, we're going inside the
new meat freezer for five minutes
to see if anyone gets cold."
"Klaus, make sure you come get us
in five minutes." Blah, blah, blah.
Oh.
So, did anyone get cold?
And I refuse to take
out the trash anymore.
Have a great night!