The Simpsons s19e07 Episode Script
Husbands and Knives
The Simpsons - Series 19 Episode 7 - Husbands & Knives Lame lame lame lame have it - lame Superman dies Aquaman dies Casper dies Caveman Robin Black Robin Born-again Robin Whoa - the infamous Wolverine comic with pop-out claws Why was this so controversial nice work DR Boo-hoo your tears have smudged Wolverine's iconic sideburns Hence you must by this comic and the cost of your innocent accident is.
.
twenty-five dollars please but that's the money Yiayia Sophia gave me for Greek Orthodox Easter I hate when they tell me things about themselves You should stop being so mean to us kids Well I suppose you could buy your comics somewhere else maybe they sell comics at the dry cleaners no, perhaps they sell comics at the mattress store or perhaps you could buy your comics at that new comic book store across the street Phillip K Dick it can't be it's as if Superman moved to Gotham City which he did in Worlds Finest Comics Number 94 See it was an imaginary story dreamt by Jimmy Olsen after he was kicked in the head by Supergirl's horse Comet it never really happened none of these things ever really happen get out of my store Grand Opening Hey word up you guys how g-g-goes it my name's Milo and this is Coolsville now listen, before everyone chills with some sweet comic everyone gets a free piece of japanese hard candy one for you short kid in back down low go long I got prawn I got miso I got Dolphin Now I hope you all like Korean pop covers of Tom Jones songs cause they're about to be blasted Sings 'What's up Pussycat' in Korean Asterix.
Tin-Tin.
I heard these are only available in high school french classes Come on Snowy We must save the Belgian Ambassador from the Black Orchid Gang What's that? a shot of ignition? zoot-a-loft.
this castle is actually a four stage rocket and it's headed straight for the Pompidou centre Oh no I ripped it Hey no worries little lady these books are meant to be read and enjoyed not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced.
various expressions of wonderment form all all right I get it you're cool you're not mainstream you wear a pork pie hat mmmmmm pork pie let's see what you know about super heroes Hey.
I'm all about the capes Flame on who's stronger the Thung or the Mulk and show you're work woo hoo Head rush OK.
Well the Mulk kicked a tidal wave into the sun Whereas the Thung gave a piggy back ride to the 1985 Chicago Bears Hoo boy that's a tough one What do you think? you want to know what I think? does Gallactus eat planets? of course I do Wow.
I was in such a bad relationship with my ex comic book guy I forgot how good it could be Mmmmmm Bye Bart enjoy your funny books Look Maggie I'm Wonder Woman Wo-ah I've lost my perfect Never compare yourself to a stand E Hey you're way skinnier then a lot of super-heroes Girthquake, Labarella Kearney's mom Shut Up her depression medication makes her bloated She's depressed because you're so lame Shut up.
Woo, I better join the Gym before I go from hippy to hippo I wish my mom said cute things like that she can't because she's depressed Shut up.
look at all these alternative comic book creators Alan Moore Art Spiegleman Dan Clowes I've really identified with the girls in Ghost World they made me feel like I wasn't so alone yeah yeah whatever Do you know anyone who works at Batman because I really want to draw Batman I'm awesome at utility belts check these out This is where the Batman keeps his money in case he has to take the bus Uh huh Alan Moore, you wrote my favourite issues of Radioactive Man Oh really so you liked that I made your favourite superhero a heroin addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive I don't read the words.
I just like it when he punches people how do you make his costume stick so close to his muscles Mr Moore Will you sign my DVD of Watchman Babies which of the babies is your favourite you see what those bloody corporations do? they take your ideas and they suck them suck them like leeches until they've gotten every last drop of the marrow from your bones Hey Tea-cup.
Why don't you chill out? Oh Little Lulu I love yu-lu just the same haaaaa Attention comic book aficionados This man is not one of us My name's strawberry my purse is a lunchbox Now listen up my wayward little fan boys I have the most wonderful news my store now sells ninja weapons Whoa you would sell weapons of the orient to children that is weak Face it Fats Hasbeen this man is the comic book guy our town deserves Very well I guess the mature thing to do is Oh No the store's in trouble League of Extraordinary Freelancers Activate Mouse is in the House How do you like this punchline? oooh L.
A.
This could be the gym for Me you're gunna get so ripped here we've got tummy tone with Sacha power bounce with Zac D.
Zen Abs with Zac G.
and you've just gotta try mummy and me kickboxing who thought walking could be so difficult well I'm sure everyone else is having trouble too hmmmm maybe I'll just hit the showers Marge, you missed a spot I wish there was a gym for us regular ladies Rules No Men.
No cell phones No mirrors No Shame Marge, I wish you well but why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching the and judging them We're gunna be rich we can finally start a family We have a family a better one Switch stations I love this gym me too Finally an exercise bike for women of a certain age Jurassic aha ha ha ha Mum every workout appointment is booked up for months We'll have to open a second Shapes We just need to find a vacant rental property I can't believe the labour board is shutting me down you lock your workers in at night It's so they can't tell their stories Mr Krusty came to my village He said he would marry me No ring just fill apple pies all day Today's guest created a womens only gym that's taken the tri-county area by storm Marge Simpson Marge, I thank you for creating Shapes and uh my boyfriend thanks you too when is Straightman going to pop the question? uh uh.
y'all getting german cuckoo clocks you're getting a cuckoo clock and you're getting a cuckoo clock and you're getting a cuckoo clock and you're getting a cuckoo clock Oh yeh Marge, I love these business trips of yours the T.
V.
remote isn't nailed on my whole life I've never been in a hotel that trusted me hors d'oeuvres, big fancy desserts and my wife is paying for everything now I know why pimps are so happy yep nothing beats living on 'wife support' I hear that yo guys, come meet a new husband hey how yo doin? I'm Homer my wife invented a gym for 'regular women' my wife invested Sky Pills, she mixed vitamins with alka-seltzer and pretended it was medicine I pay ten dollars a tube for those that's why I drive a Bentley Yep.
I haven't decided what kind of new car to get you better decide soon as I have a feeling your wife will also be getting a new model yeh she'll be trading up and they're not talking about cars are you sure they're not talking about cars? because those are car words Homer, we're all second husbands as soon as our wives hit it big they dumped the fat old guys they were with and married us Marge won't dump me I'm the anchor that keeps her weighed down here's how it starts she gets a total make-over then she starts wearing fancy new clothes then she stops wanting to tell you about her day here's how you know she's really about to go your wife seems happy and full of life that will never happen Marge.
Marge.
the makeover oh my god the prophecy is being fulfilled um so tell me about your day oh you don't want to hear about my boring old day I do.
I do.
well the first inspirational speech of the day was by the woman who climbed Mt Everest and got everyone else killed.
hey the networks are different channels in this city It's O.
K.
I don't care that you don't care go watch your thing are you happy and full of life I sure am Marge, now that you're rich you really should get rid of that bag Really' but I'm so used to my old one Old one? They're convincing Marge to dump me Oh it's easy I get a new one every two years from Italy you would love a big black one Marge, get away from them what's gotten into you? I'm going to the successful ladies room you guys have got to help me If Marge leaves I'll have nothing except my many friends and half the fortune she is now making and will continue to make Homer I'm going to let you in on a secret I'm a first husband I used to look like this What's your secret? oh there's no secret Just hard work uh-huh exercise two hours a day O.
K.
keep up with the latest fashions Fashions and of course cut out all fatty foods and alcohol uh-huh uh-huh got it I know just what it will take to hang onto Marge Mr Simpson let me outline the gastric bypass surgery procedure for you O.
K.
we put the band around your stomach so that no solid food may enter you see just like so It's a very very serious operation you should only undergo it as a last resort please doc.
I know I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world but I took care of my family and that used to be enough but not anymore very well.
If you wish we can perform the procedure in the office today.
and I know how I can knock myself out I'll look at your bill Hmm I guess considering all the training you've received this is quite reasonable I've never seen anything so reasonable It's the bargain of a lifetime Dad are you O.
K.
I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions Kids your daddy underwent a special procedure so he can be more attractive to your mother you had your hotdog plumped No.
I had my stomach stapled oh all food tastes like barf now Homey I'm back [Marge Gasps.]
Welcome home Marge You remembered I like romance a smart successful woman like you deserves the very best you also remembered I like flattery do you like guys who are attractive Homey, you look good all for you baby let me get a good look at you uh uh woah woah slow down sexy beast why don't you take some time to savor the front what are you hiding from me? is it chocolate It used to be woah - those buns are poppin fresh yeah, I'm going to turn off the lights now and I'll just fold this old sweaty blanket and put it in the closet ow ow ow ow ow ow Doctor, I'm embarrassed to show my body to my wife and it's all because of your surgery you want me to unstaple your stomach no I want you to give me every other surgery you have so I can look good and can you call it an aortic valve replacement so my insurance will cover it no problem O.
K.
count backwards from ten fine I admit it I'm drunk and so to honour her success I bestow upon Marge Simpson this $100 gift card to sweat pants etcetera did someone order a superstud? oh my implants feel itchy yes I was out of silicone rubber so I used rolled up socks [crowd: gasps in horror.]
he's a monster pitchforks everyone monster, monster monster monster monster cut his heart out listen Homer I've got to be honest with you you better not make me cry cause I don't know where my tear ducts are anymore I appreciate you trying to become more attractive for me but the truth is I'm way too successful for you now I'm getting me a trophy husband I don't want to live without you Marge O.
K.
Huh? huh? what? hey.
why do I look like me again? the doctor called me about all the crazy surgeries you wanted and I said NO.
but I did have him unstaple your stomach and turn you back into the sweet man I love It was all a dream? I never became a hideous monster? the only person who thinks you're a monster is the one who had to give you a sponge bath and dad I hope you learned something from this I sure have plastic surgery is a mistake because it hasn't been perfected to where you look really good when it is everyone should get it Amen listen Marge, I've been wondering all these years what is it about me that you find so irresistible? lets face it you could do better well maybe I could but every time I look at you I see the same adorable boy I fell in love with ooohhh well there's nothing like a happy ending Holy Heavens.
is that a meteor heading for the earth maybe but tonight there's a benefit for underpaid comic book artists of the 40's and 50's to the cashbar
.
twenty-five dollars please but that's the money Yiayia Sophia gave me for Greek Orthodox Easter I hate when they tell me things about themselves You should stop being so mean to us kids Well I suppose you could buy your comics somewhere else maybe they sell comics at the dry cleaners no, perhaps they sell comics at the mattress store or perhaps you could buy your comics at that new comic book store across the street Phillip K Dick it can't be it's as if Superman moved to Gotham City which he did in Worlds Finest Comics Number 94 See it was an imaginary story dreamt by Jimmy Olsen after he was kicked in the head by Supergirl's horse Comet it never really happened none of these things ever really happen get out of my store Grand Opening Hey word up you guys how g-g-goes it my name's Milo and this is Coolsville now listen, before everyone chills with some sweet comic everyone gets a free piece of japanese hard candy one for you short kid in back down low go long I got prawn I got miso I got Dolphin Now I hope you all like Korean pop covers of Tom Jones songs cause they're about to be blasted Sings 'What's up Pussycat' in Korean Asterix.
Tin-Tin.
I heard these are only available in high school french classes Come on Snowy We must save the Belgian Ambassador from the Black Orchid Gang What's that? a shot of ignition? zoot-a-loft.
this castle is actually a four stage rocket and it's headed straight for the Pompidou centre Oh no I ripped it Hey no worries little lady these books are meant to be read and enjoyed not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced.
various expressions of wonderment form all all right I get it you're cool you're not mainstream you wear a pork pie hat mmmmmm pork pie let's see what you know about super heroes Hey.
I'm all about the capes Flame on who's stronger the Thung or the Mulk and show you're work woo hoo Head rush OK.
Well the Mulk kicked a tidal wave into the sun Whereas the Thung gave a piggy back ride to the 1985 Chicago Bears Hoo boy that's a tough one What do you think? you want to know what I think? does Gallactus eat planets? of course I do Wow.
I was in such a bad relationship with my ex comic book guy I forgot how good it could be Mmmmmm Bye Bart enjoy your funny books Look Maggie I'm Wonder Woman Wo-ah I've lost my perfect Never compare yourself to a stand E Hey you're way skinnier then a lot of super-heroes Girthquake, Labarella Kearney's mom Shut Up her depression medication makes her bloated She's depressed because you're so lame Shut up.
Woo, I better join the Gym before I go from hippy to hippo I wish my mom said cute things like that she can't because she's depressed Shut up.
look at all these alternative comic book creators Alan Moore Art Spiegleman Dan Clowes I've really identified with the girls in Ghost World they made me feel like I wasn't so alone yeah yeah whatever Do you know anyone who works at Batman because I really want to draw Batman I'm awesome at utility belts check these out This is where the Batman keeps his money in case he has to take the bus Uh huh Alan Moore, you wrote my favourite issues of Radioactive Man Oh really so you liked that I made your favourite superhero a heroin addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive I don't read the words.
I just like it when he punches people how do you make his costume stick so close to his muscles Mr Moore Will you sign my DVD of Watchman Babies which of the babies is your favourite you see what those bloody corporations do? they take your ideas and they suck them suck them like leeches until they've gotten every last drop of the marrow from your bones Hey Tea-cup.
Why don't you chill out? Oh Little Lulu I love yu-lu just the same haaaaa Attention comic book aficionados This man is not one of us My name's strawberry my purse is a lunchbox Now listen up my wayward little fan boys I have the most wonderful news my store now sells ninja weapons Whoa you would sell weapons of the orient to children that is weak Face it Fats Hasbeen this man is the comic book guy our town deserves Very well I guess the mature thing to do is Oh No the store's in trouble League of Extraordinary Freelancers Activate Mouse is in the House How do you like this punchline? oooh L.
A.
This could be the gym for Me you're gunna get so ripped here we've got tummy tone with Sacha power bounce with Zac D.
Zen Abs with Zac G.
and you've just gotta try mummy and me kickboxing who thought walking could be so difficult well I'm sure everyone else is having trouble too hmmmm maybe I'll just hit the showers Marge, you missed a spot I wish there was a gym for us regular ladies Rules No Men.
No cell phones No mirrors No Shame Marge, I wish you well but why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching the and judging them We're gunna be rich we can finally start a family We have a family a better one Switch stations I love this gym me too Finally an exercise bike for women of a certain age Jurassic aha ha ha ha Mum every workout appointment is booked up for months We'll have to open a second Shapes We just need to find a vacant rental property I can't believe the labour board is shutting me down you lock your workers in at night It's so they can't tell their stories Mr Krusty came to my village He said he would marry me No ring just fill apple pies all day Today's guest created a womens only gym that's taken the tri-county area by storm Marge Simpson Marge, I thank you for creating Shapes and uh my boyfriend thanks you too when is Straightman going to pop the question? uh uh.
y'all getting german cuckoo clocks you're getting a cuckoo clock and you're getting a cuckoo clock and you're getting a cuckoo clock and you're getting a cuckoo clock Oh yeh Marge, I love these business trips of yours the T.
V.
remote isn't nailed on my whole life I've never been in a hotel that trusted me hors d'oeuvres, big fancy desserts and my wife is paying for everything now I know why pimps are so happy yep nothing beats living on 'wife support' I hear that yo guys, come meet a new husband hey how yo doin? I'm Homer my wife invented a gym for 'regular women' my wife invested Sky Pills, she mixed vitamins with alka-seltzer and pretended it was medicine I pay ten dollars a tube for those that's why I drive a Bentley Yep.
I haven't decided what kind of new car to get you better decide soon as I have a feeling your wife will also be getting a new model yeh she'll be trading up and they're not talking about cars are you sure they're not talking about cars? because those are car words Homer, we're all second husbands as soon as our wives hit it big they dumped the fat old guys they were with and married us Marge won't dump me I'm the anchor that keeps her weighed down here's how it starts she gets a total make-over then she starts wearing fancy new clothes then she stops wanting to tell you about her day here's how you know she's really about to go your wife seems happy and full of life that will never happen Marge.
Marge.
the makeover oh my god the prophecy is being fulfilled um so tell me about your day oh you don't want to hear about my boring old day I do.
I do.
well the first inspirational speech of the day was by the woman who climbed Mt Everest and got everyone else killed.
hey the networks are different channels in this city It's O.
K.
I don't care that you don't care go watch your thing are you happy and full of life I sure am Marge, now that you're rich you really should get rid of that bag Really' but I'm so used to my old one Old one? They're convincing Marge to dump me Oh it's easy I get a new one every two years from Italy you would love a big black one Marge, get away from them what's gotten into you? I'm going to the successful ladies room you guys have got to help me If Marge leaves I'll have nothing except my many friends and half the fortune she is now making and will continue to make Homer I'm going to let you in on a secret I'm a first husband I used to look like this What's your secret? oh there's no secret Just hard work uh-huh exercise two hours a day O.
K.
keep up with the latest fashions Fashions and of course cut out all fatty foods and alcohol uh-huh uh-huh got it I know just what it will take to hang onto Marge Mr Simpson let me outline the gastric bypass surgery procedure for you O.
K.
we put the band around your stomach so that no solid food may enter you see just like so It's a very very serious operation you should only undergo it as a last resort please doc.
I know I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world but I took care of my family and that used to be enough but not anymore very well.
If you wish we can perform the procedure in the office today.
and I know how I can knock myself out I'll look at your bill Hmm I guess considering all the training you've received this is quite reasonable I've never seen anything so reasonable It's the bargain of a lifetime Dad are you O.
K.
I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions Kids your daddy underwent a special procedure so he can be more attractive to your mother you had your hotdog plumped No.
I had my stomach stapled oh all food tastes like barf now Homey I'm back [Marge Gasps.]
Welcome home Marge You remembered I like romance a smart successful woman like you deserves the very best you also remembered I like flattery do you like guys who are attractive Homey, you look good all for you baby let me get a good look at you uh uh woah woah slow down sexy beast why don't you take some time to savor the front what are you hiding from me? is it chocolate It used to be woah - those buns are poppin fresh yeah, I'm going to turn off the lights now and I'll just fold this old sweaty blanket and put it in the closet ow ow ow ow ow ow Doctor, I'm embarrassed to show my body to my wife and it's all because of your surgery you want me to unstaple your stomach no I want you to give me every other surgery you have so I can look good and can you call it an aortic valve replacement so my insurance will cover it no problem O.
K.
count backwards from ten fine I admit it I'm drunk and so to honour her success I bestow upon Marge Simpson this $100 gift card to sweat pants etcetera did someone order a superstud? oh my implants feel itchy yes I was out of silicone rubber so I used rolled up socks [crowd: gasps in horror.]
he's a monster pitchforks everyone monster, monster monster monster monster cut his heart out listen Homer I've got to be honest with you you better not make me cry cause I don't know where my tear ducts are anymore I appreciate you trying to become more attractive for me but the truth is I'm way too successful for you now I'm getting me a trophy husband I don't want to live without you Marge O.
K.
Huh? huh? what? hey.
why do I look like me again? the doctor called me about all the crazy surgeries you wanted and I said NO.
but I did have him unstaple your stomach and turn you back into the sweet man I love It was all a dream? I never became a hideous monster? the only person who thinks you're a monster is the one who had to give you a sponge bath and dad I hope you learned something from this I sure have plastic surgery is a mistake because it hasn't been perfected to where you look really good when it is everyone should get it Amen listen Marge, I've been wondering all these years what is it about me that you find so irresistible? lets face it you could do better well maybe I could but every time I look at you I see the same adorable boy I fell in love with ooohhh well there's nothing like a happy ending Holy Heavens.
is that a meteor heading for the earth maybe but tonight there's a benefit for underpaid comic book artists of the 40's and 50's to the cashbar