Top Gear (2002) s19e07 Episode Script
Africa Special (2)
It's goat bone? I don't want that.
And it's got a cockerel on it.
Yeah, I'll have one of them and the kettle.
Oh, God! What? My bed's gone out of alignment.
'Our adventure began in Uganda where, 'armed with three £1,500 estate cars, 'we were given a spectacular challenge.
' You will find the source of the River Nile.
'To make life easier, we converted our cars into mobile homes.
' Whoa! What's that? Living quarters combined with a workshop.
Nobody in the history of Africa has ever been more comfortable than this.
'Having failed to find the source of the Nile in western Uganda' Southeast? Yeah.
It's no good.
'.
.
we decided the actual source was in northern Tanzania.
' That means going through Rwanda, Tanzania to there.
Such a long way! It is a long way.
Right.
'And so, a 600-mile journey began, a journey that has already 'taken us through the toughest terrain imaginable.
' Argh! Aaarrrrghhh! Whoa! Come on! Come on! AAAAARRRRRGHHHH! 'And, on top of all this, it turned out I was traveling with a thief.
' How long's that been there? Good grief! Is that my door?! Well, you're not using that bit.
You didn't even notice.
That's it! That's it! Top Gear S19E07 Africa Special part 2 Corrections and sync Wally73 'As dawn broke, the peace and serenity of this beautiful.
'Ugandan morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.
' CLARKSON! Last night, while Hammond and May were round the campfire discussing Uganda, I made an interesting modification to my car.
Yesterday, I discovered hill starts were very difficult.
I can't ride the clutch because of the throttle problem and I can't use the handbrake because it's broken, so what I've done is fitted this log at the back.
You tow it along normally, but then when you want to start on a hill, you let the car roll back onto it, use it as a wedge and set off easily.
It's simple, it's elegant, it's brilliant.
'As we set off on our long drive, the mood was a little fractious.
' If I know James May at all, and I'm sorry to have to say I do, he won't be so cross about the theft of part of his bonnet as he will be about the shoddiness of the execution of the theft.
It's not a neat job.
That will rankle.
Look at it! I mean, that looks like it was done with a knife and fork by the council.
It's not square, it's not neat, he's wasted material, he's left sharp edges, it's all bent.
I cannot conceive of the mind of a man who would look at that and think that was the right way to do it.
'I don't mind you taking a bit of my bonnet, that's fair.
'I do mind you doing such an appalling bloody job of it, 'you ham-fisted oaf!' Honestly, I could do a better job than that with the end of a bulldozer! Well, I I couldn't find any tools.
'The back of the car is full of bloody tools! 'The biggest tool in this operation was you!' A pair of tin snips looks like a pair of robust scissors and their function is obvious.
They are obviously not a hammer! This could go on.
'Obviously not a screwdriver! 'They are obviously not a spanner! They are obviously designed' HE TURNS VOLUME DOWN There we go, that's got rid of him.
'Soon we came to an uphill stretch, 'so I decided to test my new handbrake.
' Simply pop it off the back, roll it out.
Watch this.
Roll back.
The wooden handbrake is holding me, I simply set off.
Here we go.
Oh, yes! So there we are, hill starting solved! Sometimes my genius is It's almost frightening! Well, fair dos, that works.
You do have to tow a log about, but it works.
I am a happy man today.
Chaps? Yes? Are we likely to see a gorilla? I hope we do see a gorilla.
I'd show them my bonnet and say, "Could you do a better job than that?" But look on the bright side, James, it's going to be a scorcher today.
SMASH! Oh, my God! RICHARD AND JAMES LAUGH Oh! Did that.
.
? Oh, dear! The handbrake bounced up and has broken my hotel viewing platform.
You've got glass in your duvet! Stupidest idea in history! Jeremy, people walk around here barefoot.
You've got to sweep all this stuff.
We have.
But look - God gave us a tool for just such a moment as this.
Would you not agree this is the ideal tool, James, for this job? Yes, hammers do have their uses.
I can think of one right now.
'After cleaning up my mess, 'we carried on through yet more breathtaking countryside.
' Look at the state of that view.
Wait a minute.
Does the world get any prettier than this? 'In fact the only blot on the landscape was our hideous.
'Ford Scorpio back-up car.
' I've just realised I forgot to eat anything this morning.
I'm starving.
Well, Hammond made me a lovely plate of beans.
Beans? What sort of beans? Do you know, they were baked?! 'Soon, the dirt track gave way to some perfect Chinese-built roads, 'a blessed relief for our battered cars.
'And after a simple 50-mile cruise, 'we reached the border.
' Goodbye, Uganda, and thank you.
That was an education.
And now, Rwanda.
I don't know anything about Rwanda.
'As it turned out, James knew even less.
' James? What? Apparently they drive on the other side of the road in Rwanda.
Do they really(?) James, really, we're not fooling you! Yeah, yeah.
BEEP! 'Mercifully, there was more Chinese tarmac, so we were able to surge 'through a country where, actually, none of us 'had really known what to expect.
' In 1994, this country witnessed the worst genocide in the history of humankind.
A million people died in around about three months.
A million people in three months! With machetes and garden tools.
And that was only 18 years ago, and now look.
It's incredible how quickly things, on the surface at least .
.
mend themselves.
CHILDREN SHOUT: Hello! Hello! Hello, hello! It's constant.
All the roads, even out here in the sticks, are just absolutely three-deep in people, and they all wave when you go by and you have to wave back.
Hello! Hello! Hello, hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello! Hello.
'After many more miles of waving, smooth tarmac 'and stunning scenery '.
.
we arrived on the other side of Rwanda at its border with Tanzania.
' That was a long drive, but we've done it - all of Rwanda.
Now for an interminably long wait.
'The paperwork did indeed take an age, 'but, happily, Jeremy and I found a way to pass the time.
' Funny(!) Ha-ha-ha(!) 'And then, finally, we crossed over into Tanzania.
' Shall we make camp here, gentlemen? It's been a long drive with a long border crossing of 900 hours.
'Despite the calm stillness of the evening, 'James plainly still had a bee in his bonnet about his bonnet.
' This evening I am going to need these.
And I'm going to need these and this.
And I'm going to need these tin snips, which are like scissors but much stronger.
I'm going to need those.
I'm going to need all these things for this evening.
Right, I'm up to 18 million pieces of glass.
Look in another fold, there you go - Why do they call this stuff safety glass? I mean, it isn't! Why can't it just break into four pieces? Why does it have to break into 19 million pieces? And it goes everywhere! You could be in bed and it's outside your house and it goes in your pyjamas! No.
No.
No.
Yes.
No.
Good morning, viewers.
I'm afraid things may have got a little out of hand in camp last night, but it's good news! I found another piece of scrap metal and I managed to mend my bonnet! I'll admit, I was FURIOUS when James stole my bonnet scoop, but then on Jeremy's car, I found something that does the job just as well.
I'm calling it the poop scoop.
I was a bit cross about losing my lavatory, but then, staggeringly, in the middle of a remote field in Tanzania, I found a rear window that fitted into the back of my car! I mean, it looks like it's meant to be here! It's uncanny! 'Unfortunately, the modifications to Hammond's now half-timbered Subaru 'seem to have impaired his visibility.
' CRASH! Oh! Oh, no! Bad! Anyway, we've woken up, slightly thick heads.
We're all mates again, which is just as well, because we've got an extremely long day Oh.
That is a river.
Yes, it is.
Well, there must be a bridge somewhere.
Why MUST there be a bridge? Well, there must be! Well, there isn't! Look! Well, there isn't one THERE, but there'll be a bridge.
I know what.
It's time to deploy the ARU.
What? The ARU - Aerial Reconnaissance Unit.
I knew this sort of thing would happen.
Where did that come from? I've been working on it for the last couple of weeks at home for just such an eventuality.
Have you? Have you really? Did you build it? Yeah.
Really? Well, you've got a helicopter license.
You fly it.
Right.
I operate the camera underneath that swivels about and you tell us what it's seeing, James.
Right, are we ready? Yes, I've got a picture.
Hammond? Yes Begin! Yes! There she goes! There you go.
That's good.
Right, that height is good.
Now head that way, down the river.
Point it down.
You're not pointing it at the river.
Point it down.
Well, you'll need to point it down.
No, you fly level, you point the camera down.
Yeah.
Got it.
River turns left That's good.
There's no bridge, though.
Keep going.
Pivot right a bit.
Swivel left, camera.
Oh, hang on a minute.
What? There's like a big weir thing.
It's not a weir, James! That's the biggest waterfall I've ever seen! Right, that's relevant(!) Right, good.
No bridge.
'And it was the same story when we looked upstream.
' Bring it back, Hammond.
'With the ARU back at base '.
.
we had to work out how we could cross this river 'that was full of killer waterfalls, bilharzia and many teeth.
' Why don't we build a car ferry? What, with like a bar and everything? No, no! Like that thing we saw in Albania! Like a raft? Why don't WE build one? Look, I used to build them when I was a kid! I fell in a lot, but Wood What else do you need? Rope.
Oil drums.
You need to lash the rope together.
Maybe some nails and a hammer.
Probably a hammer, yeah.
Oil drums, oil drums underneath.
This sounds like the worst management course ever! You know those Outward Bound courses where you've got a chicken and OK, then.
Thanks to Hammond, it's back to the studio.
All we need is a platform big enough to take a car that will take its weight and floats.
Then we pull it across on ropes like the Albanian one.
We drove through a village, did we not, about just behind those banana trees? Yes, but do you think they sell rafts for cars? They might sell car ferries.
No, but they've always got Don't want a banana, don't want a headscarf, I'd like a car ferry.
"Oh, we've got one in the back, sir.
" Look, I'm going to divide this up.
I'm going to find some rope.
You go and find some oil drums.
You go I'll get some wood.
And some wood.
MUSIC: AFRICAN-SOUNDING VERSION OF THEME FROM THE ATEAM Right, off you go.
Have you got the hammer and stake? Yeah.
Oh! Your rope's come off! You're getting nearer, James! I'm not! Oh.
Would you say you were nearer, James? No.
'With HMS Wobbly in the water, 'Hammond and May decided that my car should go first.
' Good.
A tiny, tiny bit left.
Straight, that's good.
Hold on.
You need to go Oh, BLEEP.
It's close.
Tiny bit right.
OK, your back wheels are on.
I am now boarding our ferry.
That's good.
'As I inched forwards, a hungry audience gathered.
' You'll feel when you're on cos you'll hit the chock.
Two and a half feet.
Feet?! Yeah.
Good, a bit more.
You're just about to There you go, you're on! Put it in gear and turn off.
These have got to come with us for the other side.
'With the ramps on board, we set off.
' Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What did you just do? Cast off.
Are we now underway? Yes.
Pull on the rope.
I am.
I'm Geoff Capes! I am pulling a BMW 528i Touring across a crocodile-infested river! And the impressive thing is, you're not making a fuss about it either.
No, I'm not showing off, but I am James, wait! James, James, James! What? It doesn't make any difference.
Stay at the back! James, please stay at the back! Stop being such an old woman - it doesn't make any difference! Oh, really? So that barrel's just come back above the water again But it's not going to go all the way down, is it? (I feel like an explorer now.
) Right So if I get on the bank and James throws me a yellow rope Good idea.
Can you get on the bank from there? These logs get really slippery! Yes.
Right, you're on the bank Good catch(!) The throw wasn't brilliant.
I'll go to the back.
Whey! Well People are now turning over to watch Red Or Black? Or something.
I'm sorry we made it.
Nobody was expecting that.
Got it? 'Mind you, there was still the small matter of disembarking.
' Uh .
.
not convinced.
Yes! Well, you're NEARLY ashore.
Aren't I ashore? Not entirely ashore, no.
Yes, I'm ashore.
Is that wheel ashore? Yes.
'We weren't convinced, 'so we gave him a helping hand.
' Here we go! Yes! Feeling good.
Oh, yes, oh, yes! God, I'm a good driver.
(Oh, God.
) 'Back on the other bank, 'it was Hammond's turn, and for some reason, 'he decided to make life difficult for himself.
' Why are you BACKING on? Because it is quite difficult getting off at the other side, yeah? Yeah.
And your BMW is now there so it could tow me off.
The only towing eye is at the back.
It does mean I'll have to reverse on.
Hold on, hold on! Does that look right from there? What? Oh! Oh! Stop! Stop! You're turning the wheel.
I did NOT turn the wheel.
You turned it minutely.
I might have leant on it.
Oh! You're miles off the end.
A little more.
And stop.
Oh! I am SO onboard! James, you can pull this time, you'll see how easy it is(!) I shall be ballast, there.
That's the ticket! Not all at the same time.
You can't come on this side.
I can't go on the other side.
Look at the angle.
Gentlemen Climb through the car.
.
.
It is impossible to stand there because there are two ramps piled on top of one another.
Hammond, get in your sitting room! I can't.
Get in your sitting room! No! You need to be on the other side.
Climb over the bloody car.
You've got heavier Oh! That was tied on! No, I took the rope off.
We needed the rope.
I took it off.
I CAN go on the other side as it turns out.
Perfect.
Let's go.
Forget the chair.
Are we there yet(?) Somebody's had me chair! That man's got your chair! Good for him.
Enjoy it! Ooh, ah! 'On the other side, I was determined to make a better job of disembarking 'than Jeremy had.
' Power.
Hoo! Some of you's onboard.
Whoa, we got a problem.
That's all completely hopeless and you've sunk the raft and your catflap's terrible.
GO! 'I then pulled Hammond off' Ya-hey! '.
.
And that gave me an idea.
' Why don't we use this to pull the ferry across with the Volvo on it? Why would we not do that? 'Rather sceptically, Hammond and I went back to get my Volvo.
' Crack on.
Our father, who art in heaven, if you're there, make it go upside down, please.
Steady! Wooh! Ooh! (That looked a bit perilous.
) Shall I come back? Just a tiny bit.
Wah-duh! Stop making squeaking noises.
The thing is, the BMW has a 50-50 weight distribution.
which is why the raft was level.
With James' car, the front axle.
That's why the whole thing is tipping down.
Are we attached? Yes.
Jeremy, we have begun! Right, so I pull you across the river.
Yeah, gently.
Very, very slowly indeed! If it goes under, it'll probably go nose-in, won't it? Yeah, I'll stand at the back.
Are you ready? He's going already, hang on.
This is Captain Hammond ringing down to the engine room.
You have the slacks.
That's plenty fast enough! Yes, gently.
Seriously, Jeremy.
We are going under.
That's too fast, too fast! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Gently, gently - seriously! We're going in.
STOP! Jeremy, absolutely stop or you'll have deaths on your hands.
I've been shouted at so much.
Need a zesty drink.
'Eventually, our third and final car was ready to go ashore.
' Forward.
Oh, my Gawd! Well, credit where it's due.
Come on! You have to admit that is quite a finish, with a flourish! 'It had been a fraught undertaking, but the fact was that, 'against the odds, 'all three of our cars were on the other side of the river.
' That's the first time, I think, in ten years, we've ever done anything ambitious and successful.
I think you're right.
And doesn't it feel good? It feels weird, frankly.
Normally there's one of us in the water, in the jaws of a lion, going, "Oh, he's dead!" It was genuinely peculiar.
Oh, my God! Oh! THEY LAUGH It's gone! It's completely gone! It's completely sunk! Well done(!) You can see how difficult OUR job is.
That's how deep it was! That could have happened to us.
It could have done BOTH: But it didn't! BOTH: Onwards.
'Leaving the producers to clear up their mess, 'we set off.
'And soon discovered that Tanzania's roads were not 'built by the Chinese.
' Pothole, pothole, pothole, pothole.
BIG one.
It is like driving through a minefield.
If you take your eye off the road for a second, you are into one and they are massive.
I don't know how James will cope with this, because you can only concentrate on one thing at a time and when he's driving that is normally an obscure poet.
"Oh, yes, Philip Larkin's done some very good oh, no,.
" "I've hit a pothole.
" 'Soon James hit a pothole' THUMP No! '.
.
So hard, it took out two of his tyres.
' Erm d'you remember it seems like months ago, but at the beginning of this voyage, we looked at these tyres and said, "There's no way those tyres will survive Africa?" The signs are not good, are they? In that they're not.
It's goodbye.
You just wait here for the backup car.
You know the code.
Oh, no, the backup car's at the bottom of a crocodile-infested river.
I don't need the backup car, I have spare wheels.
You're not very helpful or useful to me.
I'll see you later.
See you, James.
Bye.
Bye! 'Once the Annoying Brothers had left, 'I discovered it was rather more than just tyre damage.
' Ho-ho-ho! 'Both wheels had shattered! 'Having raided the support truck for more, 'I set off and caught up with the others 'in a swarm of lake flies.
' FLIES BUZZING 'This told us we were getting close to Lake Victoria.
'At 150 miles across, it was too wide for us to even think about building a homemade ferry.
'So we decided to use one someone else had made earlier.
' Have you ever seen more flies than that in one place ever? Oh, oh, oh! I'll give you a million pounds if you go and stand there naked for an hour.
PIANO PLAYS CLAIR DE LUNE 'The voyage across Lake Victoria took more than '16 hours, but there was good news on the other side.
'The ferry would drop us close to the River Grumeti, 'the river that WE believed would take us 'to the source of the Nile.
' BELL RINGS We're going to find the mouth of the river, track that back to its source, and we've done it.
'Keen to demonstrate the advantage of four-wheel drive 'to the bewildered crowd, 'Hammond insisted on going first.
' Right, here we go.
OK.
I am ashore! OVER RADIO: 'You're letting yourself down, the BBC, ' and the whole country with your incompetence, Hammond.
Oh, come on! Sorry about that, Skipper! Leave him.
We can leave him.
'And so 'we did.
' Bye, Hammond! Bye! Hello.
Hello.
'As we disembarked a few miles away on a proper landing jetty, 'Hammond was being rescued by the locals.
' SHOUTING AND CHEERING We're coming out! Everybody needs money now and I don't have any money.
Erm I've got biscuits.
More biscuits, more sweets.
One second.
OK, this is becoming alarming.
Erm I've got crisps.
'With my lunch all gone, I rejoined my colleagues.
' With hindsight, offering up biscuits was a mistake.
HE LAUGHS Yes, when you have 40 mouths to feed, unless you're Jesus, starting with two biscuits isn't brilliant.
Well, that arrival was very happy and glorious and we're excellent ambassadors for Britain and her long tradition of exploration.
In other news, I've fitted a fan.
'We then broke out the map and went off to find the mouth of our river.
'The beautiful and majestic Grumeti.
' In my mind, it was prettier.
Yes.
This is quiet, though.
It's not quiet.
I admit, it's not picturesque and it's not peaceful, but if we find the source of this We've done it.
.
.
You can't argue, we're in the history books.
It flows through Lake Victoria, into the Nile, along the Nile, through the Med and into the Atlantic.
And as far as I can work out, it's there.
That's about 70 miles.
We only have 70 miles to do.
The good news is, look, some of it, you can follow the river on that road.
But that bit, the last bit, it's off-road.
Yeah.
Look, there's no tracks or anything.
Well So, that's it.
It can only get prettier.
'And it did, because soon we were in the Serengeti.
'A vast plain teaming with animals, all of which, as usual, 'were way beyond the reach of our camera teams.
' Wildebeest! Wildebeest! A zebra.
I've seen more already here on the Serengeti than I saw in Sir Richard Hammondborough's.
Planet Earth Live programme.
ON RADIO: 'Why didn't you show us all of these animals, Hammond, 'on your Planet Earth Live programme? 'There's millions of them we could have looked at!' Shut up! 'Soon, we stopped to check on the course of our "beautiful" river.
'And here we saw the most amazing wildlife yet.
' They are the funniest creatures on earth, aren't they? Why are they so funny? This one's been to the Daktari shop in Florida, hasn't he, for his outfit? Every single piece of kit, he's got the lot.
I don't know why, but American tourists - and I know we're watched in America, I'm not saying you're all like this, but when you travel, you're hysterical.
THEY LAUGH 'Sadly, the Americans departed, leaving us with nothing to look at 'except some hippos.
'So we got back on the road for the last few miles 'of our epic journey.
' I'm going to put my hand on my heart and say this is the best Top Gear adventure we've ever had.
It's a noble quest in a truly stunningly beautiful country full of utterly hospitable people.
'And then, of course, there were our cars.
'A trio of 1,500-quid high-milers.
'All had been presumably sold 'because their owners thought they were on their last legs, 'but they'd come here and taken on the worst 'that Africa could throw at them, and they'd survived.
'But which had been the most impressive? 'Well, at the next river check, we had a chat about that.
' Normally we pick one car that's best.
Mm.
I think on this occasion, I can't be convinced mine isn't the best, But I'm sure you're in the same I wouldn't allow anybody to convince me mine isn't the best.
So, in other words, let's, on this occasion, just agree to disagree and say they're all the best.
Yes.
Like one of those primary school sports days.
Yes.
Everybody gets a prize.
You've all won.
There are no losers at St Barnabas'.
Let's go with that, they are all the best.
That's fair.
They've all done well together.
Let us now find the source of this disgusting, scummy river.
OK.
Rubbish! If this WERE a school sports day, here's how it's worked out.
Everyone's got all excited because the BMW, the fat kid, and the Volvo, the geeky, specky, nerdy kid, have finished the cross-country course.
"Oh, well done, we're so amazed you did it!" But let's not forget the fact that the genuinely sporty kid, the Subaru, who's actually good at this stuff, also finished and finished well.
Because it's the best.
Fact.
Ten minutes after this show's finished, you won't be able to describe what Jeremy was driving, but you'll be able to describe this because it's got personality, character, something about it.
I'm going to miss it.
Now we're alone, viewers, I can tell you that the Volvo is the best car here.
Because, let's not forget, this is a family estate.
It's a family estate pretending to be a BTCC racing car.
So it's compromised, as well.
It shouldn't be here, it shouldn't have got this far, but it is and it has, and that's why I love it! It has the biggest heart.
How can May possibly say that his Volvo's better than this? It's been like a seal on the entire journey, endlessly dragging its stomach along the floor.
And it broke his back.
He'd have been better off doing this journey on a space hopper.
Then we have Hammond's "Tubaru," which is as needlessly complicated as those idiotic trousers he insists on wearing with all their special pockets and clips for mossie spray and a hunting knife with a special compass.
What's the point? I've done the entire journey in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
And that's what the 5 Series is, it's the familiarity of home here.
You're a car, you're a sitting-room, you're a bedroom, you're a fridge, you're a power station that charges up my phone every night, but most of all what you are, what you've become - is a mate.
And that is what makes a car special.
That's what makes a car great.
You start to think of it as a person.
You start to love it.
'What our cars deserved now was a relaxing cruise to the finish.
'But that wasn't going to happen.
' Aaaagh! Aaaagh! No! Whoa! Geez! 'The road was a rutted nightmare, 'and it was peppered with sharp stones.
'It was a car killer.
' This is absolute puncture alley, this.
Bloody Nora! BANG! What the BLEEP was that? Now, Jez has stopped at the side of the road, hang on, something is up.
Jezza's been hit, I think, probably by a stone into his window.
Stone in through your window? Something has just blown up in there.
What the BLEEP was it? That Is it an airbag? The airbag has gone off.
Look, the smoke's still pouring out of it.
Is that the airbag? Yes, the airbag just went off.
There was a massive flash That is really weird! My ear.
I was saying this road is so rough it's going to set the airbags off, I said that just a few miles back.
Well, I have never seen that.
No, me neither.
Phwoar! Now I'm worried about this one.
'By now we'd had enough and wanted to stop for the night, 'but this was dusk on the Serengeti.
'Feeding time for the wildlife.
'So we had to reach a safe camp that was 30 miles away - '30 miles that turned into a massacre.
' Oh, dear.
Shot to bits.
Have you got any more fronts? Yes, I've got one more.
That was new three minutes ago.
Three minutes later I've got a flat on the front.
We've lost another one.
This road is beyond belief for killing cars.
'It was inevitable, really, that eventually one of us 'would suffer some damage that was slightly more serious 'than a puncture.
' Oh, my God.
You are in big trouble.
That one is straight, and if you come around the other side, that's on full-left.
You've broken a track rod steering Oh, my God.
You can see the wishbone there.
If you look in there you'll see the end of it, where it's gone.
Is it sheared? Yes.
It is completely sheared off.
That might have killed my car.
What's up? He's got a puncture.
He's also got a sheared wishbone.
You're kidding.
I'm not.
That's a game over, isn't it? 'The next morning, in our safe camp, 'we counted up the toll from Death Road.
' I had three punctures, one of which I have still got.
Two airbags went off, both of which deafened me and gave me heart attacks.
What else - oh, all four shock absorbers are completely ruined.
Yours any better? Well, I had two punctures, the fuel line came off, the front bumper collapsed, I am not even bothering to look at my shocks, because I know they were absolutely shot, shot absorbers, but on the plus side, all the bits that attach the wheels to the car are intact.
Speaking of which actually, where is he? BANGING These are the remnants of the point at which the track control arm went, and you can see it was just rotten from the inside out.
It was going to go at some point, and when it did collapse, it took the anti-roll bar out on the way past.
So, the only option is, and it is quite a long shot - this is all useless - is to use the remainder of the track control arm that's under there attached to the hub, and use this to fabricate and weld on replacement bits for that.
'At times like this, the procedure is clear.
'We do leave a man behind.
'But, because we'd come so far together, and because 'we hadn't had breakfast yet, James and I decided to bend the rules.
' We'll give him till 11 o'clock.
Fair enough.
That's an hour and ten minutes.
Fair enough.
What time did we get in last night, about two? Something like that, it went on for ever.
Look at what I just slept in, look at it! I mean look at the Thank you(!) 'At exactly three minutes past 11, 'James and I were parked on the main road by the camp, waiting to see 'whether we would finish this journey as a twosome, 'or a threesome.
' Hammond is making a bit of a habit of this on these adventures, now.
Bolivia, his leg fell off.
Oliver.
Oliver? Didn't it make it? Can't remember.
It did, but we had to wait for it Oh, yes, for days and days.
.
.
while he put it back together.
Oh, hang on! Do you hear that? I can, just.
Is that soundtrack of an approaching moron, or is it our support truck? With his silly little face at the wheel.
What is coming over the hill? Please let it be a lorry, please let it be a lorry.
Oh! We can't be No.
Pretend to be pleased, pretend to be pleased! Pleased face! Oh, great, we're all back together as a team, oh, right, good, here we go.
Well done, mate.
Yes, well done! Ha-ha-ha! Are you impressed? Yes.
We're impressed that you're impressed.
That's nice.
That looks tremendous.
Anyway, Hammond, while you've been gone, James and I have made a bit of a decision.
What? The source of our river is somewhere up there, OK? Now, only one of us can technically get there first - they'll be the one who's remembered, the other two will be forgotten, because nobody remembers who comes second.
So, we propose a race.
Yes.
Three, two, one - go! And whoever finds the source first - into the history books, buried in Westminster Abbey.
They dig up Livingstone, throw him away, "You got it wrong" You don't have to be buried immediately? No, no, when you die.
So, are we ready? The producers are on the other side of that river.
You can shout "Go!" I'll do it on my tannoy system.
Are we ready, gentlemen? I am ready.
This is for everything.
The greatest race in the history of mankind is about to begin.
Three, two, one - GO! Power, etc.
Where is Jeremy? What was he doing? Have they learned nothing from last night? Because I did! Speed causes punctures.
that's what you need.
I don't want a puncture, I want to win this, because this is a race for glory.
The winner will go in the history books, the losers will be quietly forgotten, and they will end up opening a shoe shop, probably, in Durham.
'Top Gear's ARU had found an area of hilly terrain 12 miles to 'the east, where we believed we would find the source of the Nile.
'Getting there first mattered.
' Richard Hammond hot on my tail, in the quest for the source of the Nile, with his repaired suspension.
This is as fast as I dare go.
Ooooh! Ow! The car has just undergone major surgery, I have just closed the patient's chest, and I'm forcing him to play rugby.
If Richard Hammond beats me in this race, he will be knighted by the Queen.
She will say, "Arise, Sir Richard.
" Oh, you already have.
Where the hell is Jeremy? This James May-Christian motoring isn't working, they're not getting punctures.
I'm going to revert to type.
POWER! I am a one-man dust machine.
Hammond is going for it, he's making a move! Ha-ha-ha! 'For the next few miles, we jostled for the lead.
' Urgh, it's neck and neck.
Oh, no! I'm going left, I'm going to do it.
Ooooh! Ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Agh! This! There they are, I'm catching.
A warning light has come on to say my car needs a service.
Oooh! Oooh! This is just killing my car.
'We were now in the area where the source should be, 'so we needed to go off-road to find it.
' We're going to have to go right somewhere.
Oh, hold on, hold on, what's this? There! Come on! Bugger Clarkson! Yeaaah! What do you think of that? Ha-ha! Westminster Abbey is mine.
'As the plain opened out, we realised that in normal racing, 'people tend to know where the finish line is.
' Which way, which way? 'But we had to rely on intelligence and cunning.
' Right, trees, trees all growing along a little valley, that can only mean river.
That is a valley, I'm not heading down into there, the source of the Nile isn't going to be in a valley.
Ah-ha! Uphill, you see.
Uphill is good.
I've totally lost my bearings here, totally lost.
Hang on a minute! Oh! This looks This looks like a stream.
It's going downhill that way.
So I follow it up and the source is in those rocks.
It has to be.
Oh, yeah! Rocks.
Many rocks.
That is the sort of magical place I anticipate finding the source of the Nile.
There's a bit there moving, so it's that way.
Right, here we go.
It's got to be this way, and Clarkson clearly has the same idea.
'And so did Hammond.
' Ow, ow! Can you imagine children of the future learning in history lessons about Sir Richard Hammond? Nobody wants to think of that.
'Because only one of us could achieve 'immortality in the history books, things soon got a bit ugly.
' Hammond's attacking him! CRASH! Get off! Ha-ha-ha! I'm through.
Hammond is properly in my way now, he really is annoying me.
I know how I can get Hammond out of the way MUSIC BLARING Oh, God! Not that! I'm Genesis-ing him! Aaaagh! 'Sadly, though, Genesis didn't work.
'So I rammed him.
' CRASH! What?! I'm in the lead again! Whoa! Whoa! This Volvo is so far out of its comfort zone.
I'm going to go down in history! Everything tells me this is it's the highest ground for miles around - it's got to be in there, it's got to be in there.
Aaaaagh! But there can be no more than a few hundred meters now, we can afford to take a few knocks.
Whoa! James, your suspension has collapsed.
Your back wheel is coming off, I'm not joking.
Ha-ha-ha! My car has collapsed.
I'm going on foot.
'As now were Richard and I.
' End of the road for you, old friend.
I'll tell you what it's like.
I'm off.
It's geology, Jeremy, geology.
What have we got here? We've got bedrock, the ground is sunk down, indicating the presence of a spring, in my mind.
Lizards.
Look at it.
A stream has done this.
But where is the source? This has been wet.
Wait This is soggy.
This is soggy.
This could be a stream.
It is a stream I'm walking up, it is.
BLEEP Hammond is not having this! It goes downhill, that doesn't mean it starts at the top.
Wait! Wait! Is it? No.
Here? That Yes.
Yes! Sorry, mate! That was close.
Hammond! Well done.
That is the source of the River Nile.
I'm going to put my finger in it, excuse me.
That is the root of civilization, that nourished the ancient Egyptians.
What, your finger? No, not my finger, the water.
That's going to nourish the Sudan, Egypt, Greece, Italy, Spain.
Morocco, Algeria.
That water is the lifeblood of all of it.
So, that is the undisputed source of the River Nile, that is the man who found it, and somewhere way down there is the ruined Volvo that brought him here.
We now have to claim this little pond for Top Gear, so, just bear with me, while I Is the Top Gear flag slightly bigger than the Union Flag? Yes, that's right.
Have we got this the right way up this time, so we don't get So, here's what I'm suggesting, chaps - we plant the flags, and then we do what all great Victorian explorers did, pose for a photograph by our discovery.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Wait for the birdie! Three, two, one!
And it's got a cockerel on it.
Yeah, I'll have one of them and the kettle.
Oh, God! What? My bed's gone out of alignment.
'Our adventure began in Uganda where, 'armed with three £1,500 estate cars, 'we were given a spectacular challenge.
' You will find the source of the River Nile.
'To make life easier, we converted our cars into mobile homes.
' Whoa! What's that? Living quarters combined with a workshop.
Nobody in the history of Africa has ever been more comfortable than this.
'Having failed to find the source of the Nile in western Uganda' Southeast? Yeah.
It's no good.
'.
.
we decided the actual source was in northern Tanzania.
' That means going through Rwanda, Tanzania to there.
Such a long way! It is a long way.
Right.
'And so, a 600-mile journey began, a journey that has already 'taken us through the toughest terrain imaginable.
' Argh! Aaarrrrghhh! Whoa! Come on! Come on! AAAAARRRRRGHHHH! 'And, on top of all this, it turned out I was traveling with a thief.
' How long's that been there? Good grief! Is that my door?! Well, you're not using that bit.
You didn't even notice.
That's it! That's it! Top Gear S19E07 Africa Special part 2 Corrections and sync Wally73 'As dawn broke, the peace and serenity of this beautiful.
'Ugandan morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.
' CLARKSON! Last night, while Hammond and May were round the campfire discussing Uganda, I made an interesting modification to my car.
Yesterday, I discovered hill starts were very difficult.
I can't ride the clutch because of the throttle problem and I can't use the handbrake because it's broken, so what I've done is fitted this log at the back.
You tow it along normally, but then when you want to start on a hill, you let the car roll back onto it, use it as a wedge and set off easily.
It's simple, it's elegant, it's brilliant.
'As we set off on our long drive, the mood was a little fractious.
' If I know James May at all, and I'm sorry to have to say I do, he won't be so cross about the theft of part of his bonnet as he will be about the shoddiness of the execution of the theft.
It's not a neat job.
That will rankle.
Look at it! I mean, that looks like it was done with a knife and fork by the council.
It's not square, it's not neat, he's wasted material, he's left sharp edges, it's all bent.
I cannot conceive of the mind of a man who would look at that and think that was the right way to do it.
'I don't mind you taking a bit of my bonnet, that's fair.
'I do mind you doing such an appalling bloody job of it, 'you ham-fisted oaf!' Honestly, I could do a better job than that with the end of a bulldozer! Well, I I couldn't find any tools.
'The back of the car is full of bloody tools! 'The biggest tool in this operation was you!' A pair of tin snips looks like a pair of robust scissors and their function is obvious.
They are obviously not a hammer! This could go on.
'Obviously not a screwdriver! 'They are obviously not a spanner! They are obviously designed' HE TURNS VOLUME DOWN There we go, that's got rid of him.
'Soon we came to an uphill stretch, 'so I decided to test my new handbrake.
' Simply pop it off the back, roll it out.
Watch this.
Roll back.
The wooden handbrake is holding me, I simply set off.
Here we go.
Oh, yes! So there we are, hill starting solved! Sometimes my genius is It's almost frightening! Well, fair dos, that works.
You do have to tow a log about, but it works.
I am a happy man today.
Chaps? Yes? Are we likely to see a gorilla? I hope we do see a gorilla.
I'd show them my bonnet and say, "Could you do a better job than that?" But look on the bright side, James, it's going to be a scorcher today.
SMASH! Oh, my God! RICHARD AND JAMES LAUGH Oh! Did that.
.
? Oh, dear! The handbrake bounced up and has broken my hotel viewing platform.
You've got glass in your duvet! Stupidest idea in history! Jeremy, people walk around here barefoot.
You've got to sweep all this stuff.
We have.
But look - God gave us a tool for just such a moment as this.
Would you not agree this is the ideal tool, James, for this job? Yes, hammers do have their uses.
I can think of one right now.
'After cleaning up my mess, 'we carried on through yet more breathtaking countryside.
' Look at the state of that view.
Wait a minute.
Does the world get any prettier than this? 'In fact the only blot on the landscape was our hideous.
'Ford Scorpio back-up car.
' I've just realised I forgot to eat anything this morning.
I'm starving.
Well, Hammond made me a lovely plate of beans.
Beans? What sort of beans? Do you know, they were baked?! 'Soon, the dirt track gave way to some perfect Chinese-built roads, 'a blessed relief for our battered cars.
'And after a simple 50-mile cruise, 'we reached the border.
' Goodbye, Uganda, and thank you.
That was an education.
And now, Rwanda.
I don't know anything about Rwanda.
'As it turned out, James knew even less.
' James? What? Apparently they drive on the other side of the road in Rwanda.
Do they really(?) James, really, we're not fooling you! Yeah, yeah.
BEEP! 'Mercifully, there was more Chinese tarmac, so we were able to surge 'through a country where, actually, none of us 'had really known what to expect.
' In 1994, this country witnessed the worst genocide in the history of humankind.
A million people died in around about three months.
A million people in three months! With machetes and garden tools.
And that was only 18 years ago, and now look.
It's incredible how quickly things, on the surface at least .
.
mend themselves.
CHILDREN SHOUT: Hello! Hello! Hello, hello! It's constant.
All the roads, even out here in the sticks, are just absolutely three-deep in people, and they all wave when you go by and you have to wave back.
Hello! Hello! Hello, hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello! Hello.
'After many more miles of waving, smooth tarmac 'and stunning scenery '.
.
we arrived on the other side of Rwanda at its border with Tanzania.
' That was a long drive, but we've done it - all of Rwanda.
Now for an interminably long wait.
'The paperwork did indeed take an age, 'but, happily, Jeremy and I found a way to pass the time.
' Funny(!) Ha-ha-ha(!) 'And then, finally, we crossed over into Tanzania.
' Shall we make camp here, gentlemen? It's been a long drive with a long border crossing of 900 hours.
'Despite the calm stillness of the evening, 'James plainly still had a bee in his bonnet about his bonnet.
' This evening I am going to need these.
And I'm going to need these and this.
And I'm going to need these tin snips, which are like scissors but much stronger.
I'm going to need those.
I'm going to need all these things for this evening.
Right, I'm up to 18 million pieces of glass.
Look in another fold, there you go - Why do they call this stuff safety glass? I mean, it isn't! Why can't it just break into four pieces? Why does it have to break into 19 million pieces? And it goes everywhere! You could be in bed and it's outside your house and it goes in your pyjamas! No.
No.
No.
Yes.
No.
Good morning, viewers.
I'm afraid things may have got a little out of hand in camp last night, but it's good news! I found another piece of scrap metal and I managed to mend my bonnet! I'll admit, I was FURIOUS when James stole my bonnet scoop, but then on Jeremy's car, I found something that does the job just as well.
I'm calling it the poop scoop.
I was a bit cross about losing my lavatory, but then, staggeringly, in the middle of a remote field in Tanzania, I found a rear window that fitted into the back of my car! I mean, it looks like it's meant to be here! It's uncanny! 'Unfortunately, the modifications to Hammond's now half-timbered Subaru 'seem to have impaired his visibility.
' CRASH! Oh! Oh, no! Bad! Anyway, we've woken up, slightly thick heads.
We're all mates again, which is just as well, because we've got an extremely long day Oh.
That is a river.
Yes, it is.
Well, there must be a bridge somewhere.
Why MUST there be a bridge? Well, there must be! Well, there isn't! Look! Well, there isn't one THERE, but there'll be a bridge.
I know what.
It's time to deploy the ARU.
What? The ARU - Aerial Reconnaissance Unit.
I knew this sort of thing would happen.
Where did that come from? I've been working on it for the last couple of weeks at home for just such an eventuality.
Have you? Have you really? Did you build it? Yeah.
Really? Well, you've got a helicopter license.
You fly it.
Right.
I operate the camera underneath that swivels about and you tell us what it's seeing, James.
Right, are we ready? Yes, I've got a picture.
Hammond? Yes Begin! Yes! There she goes! There you go.
That's good.
Right, that height is good.
Now head that way, down the river.
Point it down.
You're not pointing it at the river.
Point it down.
Well, you'll need to point it down.
No, you fly level, you point the camera down.
Yeah.
Got it.
River turns left That's good.
There's no bridge, though.
Keep going.
Pivot right a bit.
Swivel left, camera.
Oh, hang on a minute.
What? There's like a big weir thing.
It's not a weir, James! That's the biggest waterfall I've ever seen! Right, that's relevant(!) Right, good.
No bridge.
'And it was the same story when we looked upstream.
' Bring it back, Hammond.
'With the ARU back at base '.
.
we had to work out how we could cross this river 'that was full of killer waterfalls, bilharzia and many teeth.
' Why don't we build a car ferry? What, with like a bar and everything? No, no! Like that thing we saw in Albania! Like a raft? Why don't WE build one? Look, I used to build them when I was a kid! I fell in a lot, but Wood What else do you need? Rope.
Oil drums.
You need to lash the rope together.
Maybe some nails and a hammer.
Probably a hammer, yeah.
Oil drums, oil drums underneath.
This sounds like the worst management course ever! You know those Outward Bound courses where you've got a chicken and OK, then.
Thanks to Hammond, it's back to the studio.
All we need is a platform big enough to take a car that will take its weight and floats.
Then we pull it across on ropes like the Albanian one.
We drove through a village, did we not, about just behind those banana trees? Yes, but do you think they sell rafts for cars? They might sell car ferries.
No, but they've always got Don't want a banana, don't want a headscarf, I'd like a car ferry.
"Oh, we've got one in the back, sir.
" Look, I'm going to divide this up.
I'm going to find some rope.
You go and find some oil drums.
You go I'll get some wood.
And some wood.
MUSIC: AFRICAN-SOUNDING VERSION OF THEME FROM THE ATEAM Right, off you go.
Have you got the hammer and stake? Yeah.
Oh! Your rope's come off! You're getting nearer, James! I'm not! Oh.
Would you say you were nearer, James? No.
'With HMS Wobbly in the water, 'Hammond and May decided that my car should go first.
' Good.
A tiny, tiny bit left.
Straight, that's good.
Hold on.
You need to go Oh, BLEEP.
It's close.
Tiny bit right.
OK, your back wheels are on.
I am now boarding our ferry.
That's good.
'As I inched forwards, a hungry audience gathered.
' You'll feel when you're on cos you'll hit the chock.
Two and a half feet.
Feet?! Yeah.
Good, a bit more.
You're just about to There you go, you're on! Put it in gear and turn off.
These have got to come with us for the other side.
'With the ramps on board, we set off.
' Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What did you just do? Cast off.
Are we now underway? Yes.
Pull on the rope.
I am.
I'm Geoff Capes! I am pulling a BMW 528i Touring across a crocodile-infested river! And the impressive thing is, you're not making a fuss about it either.
No, I'm not showing off, but I am James, wait! James, James, James! What? It doesn't make any difference.
Stay at the back! James, please stay at the back! Stop being such an old woman - it doesn't make any difference! Oh, really? So that barrel's just come back above the water again But it's not going to go all the way down, is it? (I feel like an explorer now.
) Right So if I get on the bank and James throws me a yellow rope Good idea.
Can you get on the bank from there? These logs get really slippery! Yes.
Right, you're on the bank Good catch(!) The throw wasn't brilliant.
I'll go to the back.
Whey! Well People are now turning over to watch Red Or Black? Or something.
I'm sorry we made it.
Nobody was expecting that.
Got it? 'Mind you, there was still the small matter of disembarking.
' Uh .
.
not convinced.
Yes! Well, you're NEARLY ashore.
Aren't I ashore? Not entirely ashore, no.
Yes, I'm ashore.
Is that wheel ashore? Yes.
'We weren't convinced, 'so we gave him a helping hand.
' Here we go! Yes! Feeling good.
Oh, yes, oh, yes! God, I'm a good driver.
(Oh, God.
) 'Back on the other bank, 'it was Hammond's turn, and for some reason, 'he decided to make life difficult for himself.
' Why are you BACKING on? Because it is quite difficult getting off at the other side, yeah? Yeah.
And your BMW is now there so it could tow me off.
The only towing eye is at the back.
It does mean I'll have to reverse on.
Hold on, hold on! Does that look right from there? What? Oh! Oh! Stop! Stop! You're turning the wheel.
I did NOT turn the wheel.
You turned it minutely.
I might have leant on it.
Oh! You're miles off the end.
A little more.
And stop.
Oh! I am SO onboard! James, you can pull this time, you'll see how easy it is(!) I shall be ballast, there.
That's the ticket! Not all at the same time.
You can't come on this side.
I can't go on the other side.
Look at the angle.
Gentlemen Climb through the car.
.
.
It is impossible to stand there because there are two ramps piled on top of one another.
Hammond, get in your sitting room! I can't.
Get in your sitting room! No! You need to be on the other side.
Climb over the bloody car.
You've got heavier Oh! That was tied on! No, I took the rope off.
We needed the rope.
I took it off.
I CAN go on the other side as it turns out.
Perfect.
Let's go.
Forget the chair.
Are we there yet(?) Somebody's had me chair! That man's got your chair! Good for him.
Enjoy it! Ooh, ah! 'On the other side, I was determined to make a better job of disembarking 'than Jeremy had.
' Power.
Hoo! Some of you's onboard.
Whoa, we got a problem.
That's all completely hopeless and you've sunk the raft and your catflap's terrible.
GO! 'I then pulled Hammond off' Ya-hey! '.
.
And that gave me an idea.
' Why don't we use this to pull the ferry across with the Volvo on it? Why would we not do that? 'Rather sceptically, Hammond and I went back to get my Volvo.
' Crack on.
Our father, who art in heaven, if you're there, make it go upside down, please.
Steady! Wooh! Ooh! (That looked a bit perilous.
) Shall I come back? Just a tiny bit.
Wah-duh! Stop making squeaking noises.
The thing is, the BMW has a 50-50 weight distribution.
which is why the raft was level.
With James' car, the front axle.
That's why the whole thing is tipping down.
Are we attached? Yes.
Jeremy, we have begun! Right, so I pull you across the river.
Yeah, gently.
Very, very slowly indeed! If it goes under, it'll probably go nose-in, won't it? Yeah, I'll stand at the back.
Are you ready? He's going already, hang on.
This is Captain Hammond ringing down to the engine room.
You have the slacks.
That's plenty fast enough! Yes, gently.
Seriously, Jeremy.
We are going under.
That's too fast, too fast! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Gently, gently - seriously! We're going in.
STOP! Jeremy, absolutely stop or you'll have deaths on your hands.
I've been shouted at so much.
Need a zesty drink.
'Eventually, our third and final car was ready to go ashore.
' Forward.
Oh, my Gawd! Well, credit where it's due.
Come on! You have to admit that is quite a finish, with a flourish! 'It had been a fraught undertaking, but the fact was that, 'against the odds, 'all three of our cars were on the other side of the river.
' That's the first time, I think, in ten years, we've ever done anything ambitious and successful.
I think you're right.
And doesn't it feel good? It feels weird, frankly.
Normally there's one of us in the water, in the jaws of a lion, going, "Oh, he's dead!" It was genuinely peculiar.
Oh, my God! Oh! THEY LAUGH It's gone! It's completely gone! It's completely sunk! Well done(!) You can see how difficult OUR job is.
That's how deep it was! That could have happened to us.
It could have done BOTH: But it didn't! BOTH: Onwards.
'Leaving the producers to clear up their mess, 'we set off.
'And soon discovered that Tanzania's roads were not 'built by the Chinese.
' Pothole, pothole, pothole, pothole.
BIG one.
It is like driving through a minefield.
If you take your eye off the road for a second, you are into one and they are massive.
I don't know how James will cope with this, because you can only concentrate on one thing at a time and when he's driving that is normally an obscure poet.
"Oh, yes, Philip Larkin's done some very good oh, no,.
" "I've hit a pothole.
" 'Soon James hit a pothole' THUMP No! '.
.
So hard, it took out two of his tyres.
' Erm d'you remember it seems like months ago, but at the beginning of this voyage, we looked at these tyres and said, "There's no way those tyres will survive Africa?" The signs are not good, are they? In that they're not.
It's goodbye.
You just wait here for the backup car.
You know the code.
Oh, no, the backup car's at the bottom of a crocodile-infested river.
I don't need the backup car, I have spare wheels.
You're not very helpful or useful to me.
I'll see you later.
See you, James.
Bye.
Bye! 'Once the Annoying Brothers had left, 'I discovered it was rather more than just tyre damage.
' Ho-ho-ho! 'Both wheels had shattered! 'Having raided the support truck for more, 'I set off and caught up with the others 'in a swarm of lake flies.
' FLIES BUZZING 'This told us we were getting close to Lake Victoria.
'At 150 miles across, it was too wide for us to even think about building a homemade ferry.
'So we decided to use one someone else had made earlier.
' Have you ever seen more flies than that in one place ever? Oh, oh, oh! I'll give you a million pounds if you go and stand there naked for an hour.
PIANO PLAYS CLAIR DE LUNE 'The voyage across Lake Victoria took more than '16 hours, but there was good news on the other side.
'The ferry would drop us close to the River Grumeti, 'the river that WE believed would take us 'to the source of the Nile.
' BELL RINGS We're going to find the mouth of the river, track that back to its source, and we've done it.
'Keen to demonstrate the advantage of four-wheel drive 'to the bewildered crowd, 'Hammond insisted on going first.
' Right, here we go.
OK.
I am ashore! OVER RADIO: 'You're letting yourself down, the BBC, ' and the whole country with your incompetence, Hammond.
Oh, come on! Sorry about that, Skipper! Leave him.
We can leave him.
'And so 'we did.
' Bye, Hammond! Bye! Hello.
Hello.
'As we disembarked a few miles away on a proper landing jetty, 'Hammond was being rescued by the locals.
' SHOUTING AND CHEERING We're coming out! Everybody needs money now and I don't have any money.
Erm I've got biscuits.
More biscuits, more sweets.
One second.
OK, this is becoming alarming.
Erm I've got crisps.
'With my lunch all gone, I rejoined my colleagues.
' With hindsight, offering up biscuits was a mistake.
HE LAUGHS Yes, when you have 40 mouths to feed, unless you're Jesus, starting with two biscuits isn't brilliant.
Well, that arrival was very happy and glorious and we're excellent ambassadors for Britain and her long tradition of exploration.
In other news, I've fitted a fan.
'We then broke out the map and went off to find the mouth of our river.
'The beautiful and majestic Grumeti.
' In my mind, it was prettier.
Yes.
This is quiet, though.
It's not quiet.
I admit, it's not picturesque and it's not peaceful, but if we find the source of this We've done it.
.
.
You can't argue, we're in the history books.
It flows through Lake Victoria, into the Nile, along the Nile, through the Med and into the Atlantic.
And as far as I can work out, it's there.
That's about 70 miles.
We only have 70 miles to do.
The good news is, look, some of it, you can follow the river on that road.
But that bit, the last bit, it's off-road.
Yeah.
Look, there's no tracks or anything.
Well So, that's it.
It can only get prettier.
'And it did, because soon we were in the Serengeti.
'A vast plain teaming with animals, all of which, as usual, 'were way beyond the reach of our camera teams.
' Wildebeest! Wildebeest! A zebra.
I've seen more already here on the Serengeti than I saw in Sir Richard Hammondborough's.
Planet Earth Live programme.
ON RADIO: 'Why didn't you show us all of these animals, Hammond, 'on your Planet Earth Live programme? 'There's millions of them we could have looked at!' Shut up! 'Soon, we stopped to check on the course of our "beautiful" river.
'And here we saw the most amazing wildlife yet.
' They are the funniest creatures on earth, aren't they? Why are they so funny? This one's been to the Daktari shop in Florida, hasn't he, for his outfit? Every single piece of kit, he's got the lot.
I don't know why, but American tourists - and I know we're watched in America, I'm not saying you're all like this, but when you travel, you're hysterical.
THEY LAUGH 'Sadly, the Americans departed, leaving us with nothing to look at 'except some hippos.
'So we got back on the road for the last few miles 'of our epic journey.
' I'm going to put my hand on my heart and say this is the best Top Gear adventure we've ever had.
It's a noble quest in a truly stunningly beautiful country full of utterly hospitable people.
'And then, of course, there were our cars.
'A trio of 1,500-quid high-milers.
'All had been presumably sold 'because their owners thought they were on their last legs, 'but they'd come here and taken on the worst 'that Africa could throw at them, and they'd survived.
'But which had been the most impressive? 'Well, at the next river check, we had a chat about that.
' Normally we pick one car that's best.
Mm.
I think on this occasion, I can't be convinced mine isn't the best, But I'm sure you're in the same I wouldn't allow anybody to convince me mine isn't the best.
So, in other words, let's, on this occasion, just agree to disagree and say they're all the best.
Yes.
Like one of those primary school sports days.
Yes.
Everybody gets a prize.
You've all won.
There are no losers at St Barnabas'.
Let's go with that, they are all the best.
That's fair.
They've all done well together.
Let us now find the source of this disgusting, scummy river.
OK.
Rubbish! If this WERE a school sports day, here's how it's worked out.
Everyone's got all excited because the BMW, the fat kid, and the Volvo, the geeky, specky, nerdy kid, have finished the cross-country course.
"Oh, well done, we're so amazed you did it!" But let's not forget the fact that the genuinely sporty kid, the Subaru, who's actually good at this stuff, also finished and finished well.
Because it's the best.
Fact.
Ten minutes after this show's finished, you won't be able to describe what Jeremy was driving, but you'll be able to describe this because it's got personality, character, something about it.
I'm going to miss it.
Now we're alone, viewers, I can tell you that the Volvo is the best car here.
Because, let's not forget, this is a family estate.
It's a family estate pretending to be a BTCC racing car.
So it's compromised, as well.
It shouldn't be here, it shouldn't have got this far, but it is and it has, and that's why I love it! It has the biggest heart.
How can May possibly say that his Volvo's better than this? It's been like a seal on the entire journey, endlessly dragging its stomach along the floor.
And it broke his back.
He'd have been better off doing this journey on a space hopper.
Then we have Hammond's "Tubaru," which is as needlessly complicated as those idiotic trousers he insists on wearing with all their special pockets and clips for mossie spray and a hunting knife with a special compass.
What's the point? I've done the entire journey in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
And that's what the 5 Series is, it's the familiarity of home here.
You're a car, you're a sitting-room, you're a bedroom, you're a fridge, you're a power station that charges up my phone every night, but most of all what you are, what you've become - is a mate.
And that is what makes a car special.
That's what makes a car great.
You start to think of it as a person.
You start to love it.
'What our cars deserved now was a relaxing cruise to the finish.
'But that wasn't going to happen.
' Aaaagh! Aaaagh! No! Whoa! Geez! 'The road was a rutted nightmare, 'and it was peppered with sharp stones.
'It was a car killer.
' This is absolute puncture alley, this.
Bloody Nora! BANG! What the BLEEP was that? Now, Jez has stopped at the side of the road, hang on, something is up.
Jezza's been hit, I think, probably by a stone into his window.
Stone in through your window? Something has just blown up in there.
What the BLEEP was it? That Is it an airbag? The airbag has gone off.
Look, the smoke's still pouring out of it.
Is that the airbag? Yes, the airbag just went off.
There was a massive flash That is really weird! My ear.
I was saying this road is so rough it's going to set the airbags off, I said that just a few miles back.
Well, I have never seen that.
No, me neither.
Phwoar! Now I'm worried about this one.
'By now we'd had enough and wanted to stop for the night, 'but this was dusk on the Serengeti.
'Feeding time for the wildlife.
'So we had to reach a safe camp that was 30 miles away - '30 miles that turned into a massacre.
' Oh, dear.
Shot to bits.
Have you got any more fronts? Yes, I've got one more.
That was new three minutes ago.
Three minutes later I've got a flat on the front.
We've lost another one.
This road is beyond belief for killing cars.
'It was inevitable, really, that eventually one of us 'would suffer some damage that was slightly more serious 'than a puncture.
' Oh, my God.
You are in big trouble.
That one is straight, and if you come around the other side, that's on full-left.
You've broken a track rod steering Oh, my God.
You can see the wishbone there.
If you look in there you'll see the end of it, where it's gone.
Is it sheared? Yes.
It is completely sheared off.
That might have killed my car.
What's up? He's got a puncture.
He's also got a sheared wishbone.
You're kidding.
I'm not.
That's a game over, isn't it? 'The next morning, in our safe camp, 'we counted up the toll from Death Road.
' I had three punctures, one of which I have still got.
Two airbags went off, both of which deafened me and gave me heart attacks.
What else - oh, all four shock absorbers are completely ruined.
Yours any better? Well, I had two punctures, the fuel line came off, the front bumper collapsed, I am not even bothering to look at my shocks, because I know they were absolutely shot, shot absorbers, but on the plus side, all the bits that attach the wheels to the car are intact.
Speaking of which actually, where is he? BANGING These are the remnants of the point at which the track control arm went, and you can see it was just rotten from the inside out.
It was going to go at some point, and when it did collapse, it took the anti-roll bar out on the way past.
So, the only option is, and it is quite a long shot - this is all useless - is to use the remainder of the track control arm that's under there attached to the hub, and use this to fabricate and weld on replacement bits for that.
'At times like this, the procedure is clear.
'We do leave a man behind.
'But, because we'd come so far together, and because 'we hadn't had breakfast yet, James and I decided to bend the rules.
' We'll give him till 11 o'clock.
Fair enough.
That's an hour and ten minutes.
Fair enough.
What time did we get in last night, about two? Something like that, it went on for ever.
Look at what I just slept in, look at it! I mean look at the Thank you(!) 'At exactly three minutes past 11, 'James and I were parked on the main road by the camp, waiting to see 'whether we would finish this journey as a twosome, 'or a threesome.
' Hammond is making a bit of a habit of this on these adventures, now.
Bolivia, his leg fell off.
Oliver.
Oliver? Didn't it make it? Can't remember.
It did, but we had to wait for it Oh, yes, for days and days.
.
.
while he put it back together.
Oh, hang on! Do you hear that? I can, just.
Is that soundtrack of an approaching moron, or is it our support truck? With his silly little face at the wheel.
What is coming over the hill? Please let it be a lorry, please let it be a lorry.
Oh! We can't be No.
Pretend to be pleased, pretend to be pleased! Pleased face! Oh, great, we're all back together as a team, oh, right, good, here we go.
Well done, mate.
Yes, well done! Ha-ha-ha! Are you impressed? Yes.
We're impressed that you're impressed.
That's nice.
That looks tremendous.
Anyway, Hammond, while you've been gone, James and I have made a bit of a decision.
What? The source of our river is somewhere up there, OK? Now, only one of us can technically get there first - they'll be the one who's remembered, the other two will be forgotten, because nobody remembers who comes second.
So, we propose a race.
Yes.
Three, two, one - go! And whoever finds the source first - into the history books, buried in Westminster Abbey.
They dig up Livingstone, throw him away, "You got it wrong" You don't have to be buried immediately? No, no, when you die.
So, are we ready? The producers are on the other side of that river.
You can shout "Go!" I'll do it on my tannoy system.
Are we ready, gentlemen? I am ready.
This is for everything.
The greatest race in the history of mankind is about to begin.
Three, two, one - GO! Power, etc.
Where is Jeremy? What was he doing? Have they learned nothing from last night? Because I did! Speed causes punctures.
that's what you need.
I don't want a puncture, I want to win this, because this is a race for glory.
The winner will go in the history books, the losers will be quietly forgotten, and they will end up opening a shoe shop, probably, in Durham.
'Top Gear's ARU had found an area of hilly terrain 12 miles to 'the east, where we believed we would find the source of the Nile.
'Getting there first mattered.
' Richard Hammond hot on my tail, in the quest for the source of the Nile, with his repaired suspension.
This is as fast as I dare go.
Ooooh! Ow! The car has just undergone major surgery, I have just closed the patient's chest, and I'm forcing him to play rugby.
If Richard Hammond beats me in this race, he will be knighted by the Queen.
She will say, "Arise, Sir Richard.
" Oh, you already have.
Where the hell is Jeremy? This James May-Christian motoring isn't working, they're not getting punctures.
I'm going to revert to type.
POWER! I am a one-man dust machine.
Hammond is going for it, he's making a move! Ha-ha-ha! 'For the next few miles, we jostled for the lead.
' Urgh, it's neck and neck.
Oh, no! I'm going left, I'm going to do it.
Ooooh! Ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Agh! This! There they are, I'm catching.
A warning light has come on to say my car needs a service.
Oooh! Oooh! This is just killing my car.
'We were now in the area where the source should be, 'so we needed to go off-road to find it.
' We're going to have to go right somewhere.
Oh, hold on, hold on, what's this? There! Come on! Bugger Clarkson! Yeaaah! What do you think of that? Ha-ha! Westminster Abbey is mine.
'As the plain opened out, we realised that in normal racing, 'people tend to know where the finish line is.
' Which way, which way? 'But we had to rely on intelligence and cunning.
' Right, trees, trees all growing along a little valley, that can only mean river.
That is a valley, I'm not heading down into there, the source of the Nile isn't going to be in a valley.
Ah-ha! Uphill, you see.
Uphill is good.
I've totally lost my bearings here, totally lost.
Hang on a minute! Oh! This looks This looks like a stream.
It's going downhill that way.
So I follow it up and the source is in those rocks.
It has to be.
Oh, yeah! Rocks.
Many rocks.
That is the sort of magical place I anticipate finding the source of the Nile.
There's a bit there moving, so it's that way.
Right, here we go.
It's got to be this way, and Clarkson clearly has the same idea.
'And so did Hammond.
' Ow, ow! Can you imagine children of the future learning in history lessons about Sir Richard Hammond? Nobody wants to think of that.
'Because only one of us could achieve 'immortality in the history books, things soon got a bit ugly.
' Hammond's attacking him! CRASH! Get off! Ha-ha-ha! I'm through.
Hammond is properly in my way now, he really is annoying me.
I know how I can get Hammond out of the way MUSIC BLARING Oh, God! Not that! I'm Genesis-ing him! Aaaagh! 'Sadly, though, Genesis didn't work.
'So I rammed him.
' CRASH! What?! I'm in the lead again! Whoa! Whoa! This Volvo is so far out of its comfort zone.
I'm going to go down in history! Everything tells me this is it's the highest ground for miles around - it's got to be in there, it's got to be in there.
Aaaaagh! But there can be no more than a few hundred meters now, we can afford to take a few knocks.
Whoa! James, your suspension has collapsed.
Your back wheel is coming off, I'm not joking.
Ha-ha-ha! My car has collapsed.
I'm going on foot.
'As now were Richard and I.
' End of the road for you, old friend.
I'll tell you what it's like.
I'm off.
It's geology, Jeremy, geology.
What have we got here? We've got bedrock, the ground is sunk down, indicating the presence of a spring, in my mind.
Lizards.
Look at it.
A stream has done this.
But where is the source? This has been wet.
Wait This is soggy.
This is soggy.
This could be a stream.
It is a stream I'm walking up, it is.
BLEEP Hammond is not having this! It goes downhill, that doesn't mean it starts at the top.
Wait! Wait! Is it? No.
Here? That Yes.
Yes! Sorry, mate! That was close.
Hammond! Well done.
That is the source of the River Nile.
I'm going to put my finger in it, excuse me.
That is the root of civilization, that nourished the ancient Egyptians.
What, your finger? No, not my finger, the water.
That's going to nourish the Sudan, Egypt, Greece, Italy, Spain.
Morocco, Algeria.
That water is the lifeblood of all of it.
So, that is the undisputed source of the River Nile, that is the man who found it, and somewhere way down there is the ruined Volvo that brought him here.
We now have to claim this little pond for Top Gear, so, just bear with me, while I Is the Top Gear flag slightly bigger than the Union Flag? Yes, that's right.
Have we got this the right way up this time, so we don't get So, here's what I'm suggesting, chaps - we plant the flags, and then we do what all great Victorian explorers did, pose for a photograph by our discovery.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Wait for the birdie! Three, two, one!