Celebrity Juice (2008) s19e11 Episode Script

1 Hi, Keith Lemon here, and welcome to the best bits of series 19 of Celebrity Juice.
We're calling this one "Just The Tip" because we're going to an actual tip, because recycling is rad.
And after every series, I always go to the tip and recycle, don't I? Bollocks, do you? Do I? You know I do! Let's run the titles.
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" It's an over-elaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willough-boobs firing space-lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew! Made it just in time for the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were, though.
Wow! Here we are at the tip.
There's trains, there's real people, there's junk, it smells of shit, it's amazing.
If someone told me when I was eight I'd be doing links for series 19, the best bits, at the tip, I would have said, "Get out of town!" But here I am.
Let's get some shit out.
Oh, look at these! These were the roller-boots that Paddy McGuinness wore when we played What's Rollerboot? Oh, he was shit at roller-skating.
Where do you recycle these? I don't know.
Well, ask someone.
OK, we'll find out where you recycle these, get some more shit out and whilst we do, here's some best bits.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! Ready? Are you ready? Give us a little push! (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on, roller-skate! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Now pick up the "bens on tost!" AUDIENCE: Ooooh! (CHEERING) Round.
What? Round.
Paddy! It's gotta come back to me.
However you wanna play it.
Help.
You could help him.
Help him.
It's gotta come back to you? Yeah, just help - (CHEERING) (AUDIENCE CHANTS) Paddy! Paddy! Push him.
Push him! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) Courtney, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
We know you here in the UK because you won Celebrity Big Brother.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You was in the Big Brother house with Ann Widdecombe, weren't you? I was.
Ann Widdicombe looks a little bit like an older Holly.
Does she? Yeah.
There she is, look.
(LAUGHTER) I think you had a little accident as you walked in.
As I walked in, I had what is called a wardrobe malfunction.
Yes.
Let's have a look.
There you are.
Hey! Showing the spadge! That's what we in the industry refer to as a "tuck.
" What's it called? A tuck.
A tuck.
When you tape it downso pull it underneath.
Well, your testicles go up inside you into - Hey, hey, hey! (LAUGHTER) Your testicles go up inside you? Yeah.
How? There's a little cavity.
That's where they come from when you're born.
Or when you're cold, or scared or when you ejaculate, they go back up inside you.
Mine are always just dangling.
Can we just look at this face over here for a minute? No, no - Gino, what's the problem? Where is the cock? Where is it going? Between the arse-cheeks.
So you eternally have a cock between your arse.
Yeah, that's how gay I am.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I'm just getting rid of some of the stuff from series 19.
I think this was series 19.
This is the sign for Sponsored By Boxes, we're getting rid of that.
You've got all your different sectors here.
You've got the household waste here.
You've got real people getting rid of household waste.
You've got household waste here.
You've got household waste here.
You've got household waste here.
I'm guessing this is the household waste sector.
But down there I can see metals and cooking oil.
It's really exciting.
We're gonna recycle things to an old interview.
Getting rid of our junk that to some people are treasures, just like these next bits.
Hello! Hello! Grrrreat! My name is Keith Lemon, I'm your host for UK And Eire's Got Secret Skills.
Yeah! Next up, it's Emma, Holly and Fearne.
Yes, please! (CHEERING) Really excited, really excited.
What on earth are we doing together? I don't know.
I like to see young, fresh girls with new skills.
I don't know your skill.
Read the screen over there and let us know.
OK.
Oh.
(LAUGHTER) Are we actually singing this? Do you know the words? Which one's Kerry Katona? Me.
I definitely can't sing.
Not that Kerry can't.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Let me know when you want the music.
(LAUGHTER) Eh, eh.
(LAUGHS) # ATOMIC KITTEN: Whole Again # If you see me walking down the street # Staring at the sky # Oh yeah # Dragging my two f- I don't know! What are the OK.
Pass me by I still Make me cry ALL: # You can make me whole again What is.
.
? All together! # Time is laying heavy on my heart I don't think they're the words! # Seems I've got too much of it # Since we've been apart # My friends make me smile if only for a while # You can make me whole again (CHEERING) ALL: # Looking back on when we first met # I cannot escape and I cannot forget # Baby you're the one # You still turn me on You can make me whole again Yes! (CHEERING) Go on the sound of a Japanese gong.
Do you know how that sounds? Kong? (LAUGHTER) (GONG) No, sounds like that.
Go! Go! (CHEERING) There he is.
He's outside.
That's sushi.
Follow Japanese items.
I found some Follow Japanese items.
I found Jackie Chan.
Follow Japanese items.
Soy sauce there.
That's it.
I found a fortune cookie, some other Japanese stuff.
Some wasabi.
Over by the cupboard.
Check the cupboard.
Check the cupboard.
There.
Is there any clues in there? That's not Eiji! That's a Halloween clown! Mate! Scary.
Run past him.
Run past him.
Run past him.
He's gone past him, he's gone past him.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I don't understand what's going on, man.
What can you see? I've found Japanese Argh! (GROWLING) I've ruined my Gucci jeans, bruv.
Are you all right? I told you there'd be some surprises.
Follow the Japanese items.
(LAUGHTER) I found him! There he is.
Eiji.
Eiji.
It's Joey Essex.
From Essex.
How are you? How are you? I will save you.
I promise you.
Right, Joey, get on the bike and bring him back.
Wait, I'm coming, I'm coming.
I can't even go.
(LAUGHTER) Mate, the gear's in gear two.
Do you wanna push? The gear's in gear two.
And he's off.
Ahhh! (GROWLING) Eiji.
Eiji! We'll make it! We're gonna go We're nearly there.
(CHEERING) We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it home.
Eiji go home.
No hands.
No hands.
No hands.
(APPLAUSE) Yes! You brought him back! Well done.
Coming up after t'break Hi, welcome back to the best bits of series 19, here at the tip, where I'm just recycling this microwave which once belonged to Gok Wan.
He threw it out of his car when he was arriving.
They're showing that in the corner in case you missed it.
If you are watching, Gok, you're a litter-bugging pig bastard! What you should do is recycle your stuff, not just throw it on the floor.
You'll get balloons going off in your heart feeling good about it.
So here we go.
Here's some more best bits.
I'll get rid of this.
Oh, don't that feel good? Have we got that other microwave just in case I did that link wrong? Is that it? Get this again.
Oh, that feels good.
Gino.
I'll give you five points, just like Holly and Lucy being modern women, if you'll be a modern guy and exchange the egg with Jonathan.
(AUDIENCE CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! Eat it? No, you just keep it in your mouth.
Fuck's sake.
Be gentle.
No, don't do the face like that.
Just put the eggs in there.
(APPLAUSE) I'm gagging.
I'm actually gagging.
Here's a little opportunity for you.
If a cameraman accepts that egg from you, I'm gonna let Fearne's team win.
Oh, Sarge.
Hi, Sarge! (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) Let me get this camera.
(AUDIENCE DROWNS SPEECH) (CHEERING) You got me? Big up your jets, you motherfucker! It's the UK grime sensation, it's Big Narstie! (CHEERING) Mic check, one, two.
Can we get a beat? (MUSIC STARTS) Put your hands to the sky.
Wave them side to side.
You ready to rock this house? (RAPS) When clothes is tight around your vagina.
A little bit goes inside you.
Looking like a cheeseburger in your knickers.
An animal with humps.
A camel toe! (CHEERING) Next up, it's Will Mellor! (CHEERING) OK.
Ready? Yeah.
Ask for a beat, then.
I'm not doing it all the time.
Can you drop me a beat? (MUSIC STARTS) (RAPS) Yo.
Sing it.
Come listen.
You've got it in your car on your windscreen down below.
You better get one call the 5-0.
Gonna get arrested if you ain't got one.
He ain't messing.
A phone, a phone! You aren't listening A little thing in the corner of your windscreen.
It's in the corner.
Not at the top but in the corner Sat-nav! Of your windscreen.
Down below, better call the 5-0 if you ain't got no.
Indicator.
Tax.
What? You gotta have tax.
Yes! Fuck you, Mr Taxman.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the taxman, go fuck yourself! Only joking, they're just kidding, just kidding.
Don't put them there, sir.
Sorry? Don't put them there.
No, but I'm getting rid of shoes.
You can't recycle them.
It says shoes.
That's the wrong boots.
Yeah, they're shoes on wheels.
No! We're just doing links for series 19 right now.
And I'm just recycling shoes.
You can't recycle them.
Why? It says shoes there.
That's the wrong boots.
They go in the - They are a form of shoe though, aren't they? Just go to a clip.
I don't want to be on telly like I'm arguing.
What is it, then? Where do you Is it a hat? Young lads with dreams.
I don't know what your secret skill is, but we'll find out.
Just read off the screen.
Yes, a dance group! Yeah! (CHEERING) They're just discussing what they're gonna do now.
I'm sure that they've never done this before.
This is Modem.
Are you ready? All right, yeah.
Yeah.
(CHEERING) Ready? Give me a thumbs up.
(TECHNO DANCE MUSIC) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No, sir.
Stop! It's mattresses.
They're like mattresses for your feet, but they've got wheels.
They go to the household waste.
These are more like mattresses.
No! Yeah, they are.
No, sir.
I said no! Look, it's soft and spongy like a mattress.
It's not like - That's definitely like a mattress inside the shoe.
It's nothing to do with the mattress.
Are you stupid? If you're so clever, why don't you do a link and say, "Here's some more best bits.
" Go on! Best bits.
Best bits.
To the camera.
Best bits.
OK, girls.
Remember this is for a point for your team.
More importantly, we're gonna save the planet.
You'll go on the recycling horn.
OK.
Yeah! (KLAXON) Off they go! They've got their special belts on.
They're squashing those boxes.
Holly and Fearne are squashing the boxes.
Now they're squashing a milk carton.
Be careful! And they're tag-teaming! Maya's off, having a good start there.
Stacey's catching up.
Wow! Oh, that's it, that's it! Maya's fallen in the box, she can't get out! Stacey has won that round.
(KLAXON) Solomon won that.
# LIVING IN A BOX: Living In A Box # I'm a living in a box # I'm a living in a cardboard box # I'm a living in a box I'm a living in a cardboard box OK, let's go to the guys.
OK.
This part of the game is about recycling cans.
You've got tin cans, you've got special, magnetised recycling belts.
This is stupid.
It's recycling, it's serious.
We're doing a good thing.
It's positive.
Why don't we pick it up with our hands? We're making recycling fun.
It can be boring, but we're making it fun.
Shut the fuck up! (LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Let's go on the recycling horn.
(KLAXON) Off we go! Look at that.
Look at the technique.
No hands, John.
No hands.
John's making love to the tins and the bin.
He loves sticking it in.
The bin's saying, "Fire it in me!" Gino's got one more.
That's it! (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, I think you were first there.
Yes.
That's a point for your team.
Thank you.
Hold on.
How did you do that? Hold on! Oh, my gosh.
I've just been told that we've saved the planet! Yes! (MONKEY SQUEALS) Incredible! Yes! I don't know whose idea it was to film at a tip.
It stinks.
It's a tip, of course it stinks.
There are piles of mattresses and one of them's got red stuff on it.
What do you think it is? Yeah, of course that's what it is.
Yeah.
(FROM OFF CAMERA) Keith.
Hold on.
We're having a break? I'll have Nando's, please.
Butterflied chicken, sort of medium.
Not too hot, though.
No, a link to break.
Oh, sorry.
I've gotta do a link to break.
Sorry.
Didn't know we were on.
Um.
Hi, OK.
We're going to a break now.
See you in three.
How many of these links are we doing at this tip? Coming up after t'break Do you recognise this? Have a guess and tell me what you think.
I think it's a good thing to recycle, but it is a bit boring, especially when it's batteries.
Why don't I FaceTime Holly or Fearne? Hi, Holly.
Hi, Keith.
What do you want? Basically, I'm at the tip doing the best bits show, series 19.
Nice.
I've got a box of stuff here that you left in your dressing room at the end of the series.
Uh, that is not mine.
That's disgusting.
They were in your dressing room.
It's definitely not mine.
Well, I've recycled all the batteries, they was flat as a pancake.
You've been busy! OK.
Good luck with all of that recycling.
I've gotta go now.
I hope you manage to get rid of all that stuff.
Do you wanna do a link to the best bits? That I can do.
Here are some of our best bits.
On No Offence, there was a bit of a hoo-ha, weren't there? What do you mean? I think there was a mysterious phantom poo-er.
What happened was, on No Offence we have fake toilets, set toilets.
There's no water, it doesn't flush or go anywhere.
And somebody done a poo in one of the toilets.
No! We didn't know who's done it.
No, they think you've done it.
Do they? They've asked us to interrogate you.
No, it's not me.
You did though, didn't you? No, I didn't.
You paused for a little bit there.
I didn't do it! I'm gonna interrogate you.
Do you mind if I record this? No.
You could use a phone.
I'm gonna record it like they do in police interrogations.
When's the last time you've been nicked? I've never been nicked.
I'm good.
So Will, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Will Mellor, did you do a phantom poo in a fake toilet they had to scoop out with their hands? (AUDIENCE GROANS) Because it did not flush, it wasn't real.
Did you do it? No.
Right, the bad cop's coming in.
(THEME TUNE FROM THE BILL) (APPLAUSE) I mean, it's not gonna be the quickest interrogation.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) It's OK, Wachowski, I've got it from here.
Bang! You fucking dickhead! My neck! What did you leave in that shitter? Huh? "I don't wanna walk the 20 yards like every other schmuck has to do every day.
I'm gonna take a shit in a pretend toilet.
" You make me goddamn sick! I tell you, there's a place between heaven and hell, and that's where you're gonna live, buddy, for the rest of your life.
I have some evidence.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Don't open it! Do you know what we do when we have a bad doggy at home? Get that away from me! Mr Mellor, do you recognise this? Do you recognise this? Fuck off! Do you recognise this? Why don't you take a big sniff, bad doggy? All right, it was me, for fuck's sake! It was him! (CHEERING) Whoop! Whoop! That's the sound of the police Is it true, Richard, that you invented pointing? (LAUGHTER) I don't think I did, no.
We've got the first time that pointing was ever done, was by Richard Blackwood.
That's the first time anyone ever saw pointing.
You know what that is, though? That's me letting the cameraman know, I see you.
Because people take pictures, but they're generic.
I work with them and say, "There you are.
" Where's the camera? Five, camera five.
There you are.
See what I did there? Someone at home just got touched, felt moist.
That's what I'm trying to do.
We've got another picture of you.
Oh, no.
A two-finger point.
It's a two-finger point! What's going through your mind when you do two fingers? Two fingers, like, I really fuck with you.
You are my people, right now.
You are more special than him.
(LAUGHTER) What's your emotion in this picture? Ha! My emotion is, I'm sure you wanna see what's really going on.
(LAUGHTER) No, that was from my stand-up It doesn't look like it, but that was from my stand-up tour, and that was the poster just to make people come.
(LAUGHTER) To the show! Jake Wood, have you ever been on set and got a chubby? And someone's gone, "Haha! Jake's got wood.
" No.
Well, you'll love this next game, so let's play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This game is very easy.
You can play along at home.
I'm gonna show you a picture of a man and you tell me if he's got wood or has he got wood.
Oh! Fearne, here's your picture first.
Has this man got wood, or has he got wood? Has he got wood or has he got wood? The intonation, which is which? Has he got wood or has he got wood? It's a simple question.
OK, but do you want us to - Has he got wood or has he got wood? (LAUGHTER) (INAUDIBLE CHATTER) This is stupid.
That's why it's brilliant.
We think he's holding a log.
You think he's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
He's got wood! Yeah! Smashed it.
You can just say he's got wood and you've won either way.
Has this man got wood, or has he got wood? (LAUGHTER) I think he's got wood.
He's got wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
He's got wood.
Oh, my God! (APPLAUSE) Has this man got wood, or has he got wood? I actually can't believe that.
Oh, he's very chuffed about it, whatever it is.
Has he got wood? Yeah, he's got some wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
He's got wood.
Yeah! It's stupid, because every time we say wood, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you're getting it right.
We're getting more points.
Has this man got wood, or has he got wood? I think he's got wood.
He's got wood.
He's got wood.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
He's got wood! (APPLAUSE) He's holding it like a pen.
Has this man got wood, or has he got wood? (LAUGHTER) I'll hand this one over to Jake.
He's definitely got wood.
He's got wood? Yeah.
Let's have a look.
Yes, he's got wood! (LAUGHTER) Let's pull out a bit further and see the full picture.
Yeah, there's loads of wood! He's in a forest of wood.
With all his EastEnders friends.
(LAUGHTER) So here I am at the recycling centre.
I'm still having a good time, but it ain't no pie without a Fearne Cotton pie coming, so I'm getting Fearne Cotton.
Fearne, it's Keith.
Hiya! Where are you? I'm at the local tip.
It's amazing.
I'm doing links for series 19, best bits.
Uh, OK.
Anyway, I just wanna know what your favourite games were from last series? Hmm.
That is a really tough one.
Oh, I know! I do really have fond memories of the yoga game where Holly and I were doing yoga with carrots.
Whilst I'm here, do you want me to pick up your weekly shop? There's loads of twigs and berries.
Enough roughage there for you.
You know I don't actually eat twigs, you fucking idiot.
I'm a vegetarian.
I eat food, not twigs.
See you later.
Hey, Fearne.
Why aren't you going to t'wrap party? Because I'm in Paris.
You're not in Paris.
See you later, then.
She daren't go, cos when she gets drunk she gets all fresh with me and she's like, "I love you, Keith.
But don't tell anyone on the show.
" I go, "I won't.
" You know I do and then she denies it.
Did we do a link? I feel like I'm at a real disadvantage here.
Why's that? Why's that? Because I have a yoga guru next to me.
I haven't used carrots in yoga recently.
So Fearne's got three big holes.
Oh, piss off! (LAUGHTER) OK, you'll go on the chimes.
Three, two, one.
(CHIMES JINGLE) There we go.
Oh, there it is.
It's in! (AUDIENCE CHEERING ENCOURAGEMENT) She's very competitive.
Look at Fearne chomping.
Oh, look at that! Look at that! She's like a fucking horse! So close, but so far.
Yoga, Holly.
It's yoga! Sit back.
(KLAXON) There it is.
There's the klaxon.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) How did you manage that? That was ridiculous.
Right, I'm just gonna see.
Just check.
I do not wanna watch the playback! (LAUGHTER) It was the master of yoga.
It was Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING) Let's see that in slow motion.
No! # KATY PERRY: Teenage Dream # You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream # The way you turn me on # I can't sleep # Let's run away and don't ever look back Don't ever look back (CHEERING) Fantastico! (CHEERING) I'll get my rimming box.
OK.
Gino, I have to tell you, whatever you do, I mean No, it's OK.
You're gonna be absolutely all right.
Just let me get the box.
(AUDIENCE SCREAMS IN SHOCK) I'm just cleaning the box.
Should I take my jacket off? (AUDIENCE SCREAMS LOUDER) No, no, no, no! What's happening? What's going on? We were gonna make it more family, weren't we? Yeah.
Make this round a bit more family.
I think that's gone, like, past the line.
(LAUGHTER) You can't get him to rim that.
(AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT) (AUDIENCE CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! We were playing this last Saturday.
It was fine.
Now why are we, "can't do this, can't do that?" That was just me, you and your missus, though.
(LAUGHTER) We try another one.
(AUDIENCE SCREAMS) What's going on? OK.
That's family fun.
You can have that.
That's family fun.
OK, I'm going to introduce you to the box, because this is a little bit delicate.
So, put your hands on the back there.
Go on the box, that's it.
That's rimming.
That's rimming.
What do you think is there? It's airy.
There's a strange smell.
It does happen.
Seriously, what do you think it is? I don't know.
It's airy.
I can't Look, I can't believe it is what I think it is.
What is it? Because if you do that, Gino, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna thump you.
Is it that? No, no.
I would never do that.
I would never do that, go on.
Have a guess and tell me what you think.
(AUDIENCE SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (AUDIENCE CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! What is it, Fred? What do you think? (LAUGHTER) I give you ten points if you guess it.
Has it got something to do with you, Gino? No.
You know what? I'm gonna give you five points and I'm gonna run away.
So (SCREAMING) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Here it comes again.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) What the fuck?! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) .
.
I don't know about Kelly Brooks' tits more(INAUDIBLE) Yeah, it is.
It definitely is.
Oh, hello, and welcome back to the best bits of series 19.
I'm just with the tip crew here.
We're still at the tip, coming to you live pre-recorded.
This is the posse that works here.
I'm with, say your name.
Terry.
Terry.
Phil.
Phil.
Paul.
Paul.
Swimming pool? A game of pool? Pull the door? Yeah, we've just been chatting about renewable energy and the best way to save the planet.
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding, we've just been talking about tits.
But here are some more best bits.
(JAMAICAN ACCENT) You're seriously gonna piss your pants if you do that now, pour it on me now.
# SIA: Chandelier # I'm gonna swing from the chandelier Oh, Cirque du Soleil? Crybaby.
Robot.
I see what she's doing.
She's fucked.
Sky, sky.
(MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY) You didn't get that one.
Listen.
I worked so hard.
You did.
She's doing this little girl dance.
Oh, is this Pink? No, it's not.
No.
You ain't no rude boy! It's Sia.
What are you doing? I'm doing the links for the best bits of series 19.
I'm at the tip.
What are you doing at the tip? I'm recycling.
You know I like to recycle all the props and bits of the sets from every series we do.
You recycle? Yeah.
Bullshit.
That's bullshit.
You don't recycle anything.
You just throw things everywhere.
You put organic into the glass.
You put glass into the plastic.
You're the worst recycle man I know.
I don't know what you're saying.
I think you went too Italian.
I couldn't understand what you were saying then.
Do you want to link to one of your best bits? I'm gonna put the phone up to the camera so you can do a link, yeah? Yeah.
OK.
(WHISPERS) Don't say that shit about me not recycling.
I always recycle.
That is bullshit.
Stop, ssh, just do a fucking link.
OK, let's pretend.
Hi, so my best bits from series 19.
UhI don't remember.
I'm usually pissed.
I don't know.
I don't remember them.
Just say, "Here's a bunch of my best bits.
" Ah, OK.
Here's a bunch of my best bits.
A point for Gino if he can guess what I've thrown at his box by the sound it makes.
Are you ready, Gino? Yeah.
For you guys at home, this is what it is.
Are you ready? Yeah.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) What did I throw at your box? I don't know.
A bowl? A pizza? No, here it comes again.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) What the fuck? (AUDIENCE CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! A bullet? What was it? A flapjack.
Yes, it was! (CHEERING) (AUDIENCE CHANTS) Johnny! Johnny! I've been a big fan of you since I was 11.
So I'm interested to see what secret skills you've got.
Have you got any you can tell us about before you do the one that you don't know what you're doing? Yeah, I have - We've run out of time, sorry, your gonna have to perform.
It's gonna be a good story, though.
OK, Johnny.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Read off the screen.
Read off the screen.
The choice is mine.
Great.
What's he gonna do? What's he gonna do? (AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT) (AUDIENCE CHANT) Johnny! Johnny! Has Johnny Vegas got more secret skills? I'm going for both! (CHEERING) (CRIES OF SHOCK) (SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT) (AUDIENCE CHANT) Johnny! Johnny! Johnny Vegas! He is a superhero! Johnny, I don't care what the adjudicators say.
You 100% do have more secret skills.
In fact, here comes the Golden Shower.
Double points! # MARIAH CAREY: Hero I'll save that for a wank.
Johnny Vegas everyone! Well, that's it.
We've had a fantastic time at the tip.
I hope you've enjoyed watching me be at the tip.
I've recycled the old props from last series.
I really feel like a better person.
When the crowd say "Bo," you say "Recycle.
" OK? If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through a window.
Here's the end of series montage.
Enjoy! All right, let's get out of here.
It stinks.
Oh! These fucking roller-boots! Oi! You can have them! Excuse me.
You can have them! They're shoes with wheels, they're yours.
# DIRE STRAITS: Walk Of Life All right! Introduce me, for fuck's sake! So I can speak! # Here comes Johnny singing oldies goldies # Be bop a lua baby what I say # Here come Johnny singing I gotta woman # Down in the tunnels trying to make it pay # He got the action he got the motion # Oh yeah the boy can play # Dedication devotion Apparently you suffer from wet bum.
# He do the song about the sweet loving woman # He do the song about the knife He do the walk He do the walk of life And on the third one, I was a cheating (BLEEP).
I don't come on your programme and go (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Contagious.
Can I say contagious? Give me three words! Three words? Fuck, bum, balls and (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) # DIVINYLS: I Touch Myself # I don't want anybody else # When I think about you I touch myself # Oh I don't want anybody else # Oh no oh no oh no It's a very wobbly vagina.
Oh! Fearne, just think of my wife.
# Oh I don't want anybody else # When I think about you I touch myself I touch myself I ain't even joking, that feels fucking lovely.
Cos we didn't make love, we fucked hard.
No, we didn't! # SIGALA AND ELLA EYRE: I Came Here For Love # For someone to hold me down # I won't give it up Aren't you fucking fit? Oh, my god! Oh, well.
# I came here for love # I came here for love # I want you to reach out # This is what we came here for # We came here for love # I won't give I won't give it up What letter's on the front today? F for Fearne.
For fuck off! # I know this I know it's enough # This is what we came here for # We came here for love # I won't give I won't give it up # This is what we came here for # We came here for love They're saying I can't do that one.
Why don't you just fucking water-board us?! Shut the fuck up! # This is what we came here for # We came here for love # I won't give I won't give it up # This is what we came here for # We came here for love It just puffed out of your minge? No.
# I came here for love # Someone to hold me down # I won't give it up Woo! Woo! Woo! # I came here for love # I came here for love I want you to reach out Woohoo! This is beautiful!