American Dad s19e16 Episode Script

1
My daughter Danuta
[SOBBING] is missing!
Mrs. Tenuta, it's okay.
I'll tell them the story.
The last time I saw
Danuta was yesterday.
See, a few months ago,
Danuta joined the Bazooka
Sharks Babe cheerleading squad.
I've been driving her to practice
because her car is
infested with pantry moths.
But something was eating at her.
Danuta said the organization
was hiding something.
She didn't go into details
because, well
I said I wasn't interested
and that cheerleaders were fake as hell.
Not my most sensitive moment.
Sorry.
The Babes do this version of a pyramid
that they call the Shark Fin.
So stupid.
Danuta was always proud to be
at the top, for some dumb reason.
But at yesterday's practice she
never came out of the locker room.
They looked everywhere for her
but the only thing they
found was her scrunchie.
The official line from the
Babes is that she ran away,
but there's this thing
that Danuta used to say,
"The only reason for being
missing is being kidnapped."
Something about that makes
me think she was kidnapped.
[SOBBING]
Don't worry, Mrs. Tenuta,
these guys'll find your daughter.
They're professionals!
Hi.
We're in a garage.
I'm sitting on a box of
"Southwestern table decorations"?
It doesn't feel like a pro operation.
Would non-professionals do this?
[BOTH SCATTING THEME MUSIC]
- [SCATTING ENDS]
-
Hey, where did Danuta's mom go?
She thought it'd be more productive
to stand in front of the
White House with a sign.
You did the right thing coming
to us instead of the police.
Oh, we tried them.
But because of budget cuts,
they won't investigate
a missing person
until they've been gone six months.
Three if you buy tickets
to their pancake breakfast.
Pancakes, that's a clue.
- I don't think it is.
- Well, I'm glad you have such strong opinions.
You're gonna need them
as part of the investigation.
You want me to be part of it?
I'll do anything!
- We need you to go undercover as a cheerleader.
- Immediately, no.
The Bazooka Babes are holding
tryouts to replace Danuta.
She'd said something shady
was going on over there.
And if you can make the team,
we'll have someone on the inside.
Okay, fine! I'll do it.
I'll try out too,
just in case they're
looking for somebody sexy.
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[ROGER] Ah!
Good morning, USA ♪
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Roger, you still have a beard.
It's Legman who's undercover.
I don't even know who Roger is.
While you guys are
looking into the team,
I'll be investigating the organization,
as their new junior senior accountant.
Nice! How'd you get that?
AI-generated recommendations
and a great attitude.
Shit, I'd rather do that!
Do they want someone sexy?
Hey, so what'd you guys
find out about the squad?
[ROGER] That's Kashara,
Pauline and Carly.
Motivation: jealousy.
They all wanted to replace
Danuta at the top of the pyramid.
Carly got it.
[STEVE] Over there we got Coach
Tammy and Jill, Carly's mom.
She's a former Bazooka Babe
and current president
of the booster club.
Both suspects.
Motivation: jealousy.
Of what? Or who?
Careful, Hayley.
Now you're sounding jealous.
We have to keep an eye on you.
Wheels, get my little gun from the van.
Up there is Cyrus Mooney Jr,
team owner, suspect.
Why is he a suspect?
From the top of the pyramid,
Danuta could see into the owner's box.
Perhaps she saw something
she wasn't supposed to.
Ooh, that's interesting.
- Yeah, I hope it's that one!
- Me too.
Let's agree to favor any evidence
that makes it look like that.
[HAYLEY] That creepy guy!
Who is he?
[ROGER] That's Dominic. Team stalker.
100-times convicted felon.
Obsessed with Danuta,
couldn't stop writing her notes.
Not a suspect.
- Why?
- Oh, it's too obvious.
I mean, just the day
before she disappeared,
he said he was gonna take
her away from all this.
Tell you what, if it's him
I'll eat my sequined bodysuit,
like a billy goat on
Liza Minnelli's farm.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Welcome to tryouts.
Now let me say right up front,
we are body positive Babes
and nobody is gonna
be asked their weight.
But, if you accidentally step
on one of the many scales
hidden throughout the field,
that's on you.
I'll hand it over to Jill,
president of the Bazooka Babes'
booster club.
Well hey, girls!!
I see your shocked faces,
you can't believe I'm Carly's
mom and not her kid sister.
Don't make that face, Carly,
you'll get frown lines.
- Mom!
- Don't call me that!
Treasure these moments, ladies.
You never know when you're gonna be 29
and wake up one day and turn 30,
kicked off the team because
of an arbitrary age cut-off.
Even though all my veins
were still non-varicose.
But now it's my daughter's
time to live my dreams.
Um, quick question.
Uh, what's your policy
on disappearances?
Like, if I went missing, would you
try and find me or just cover it up?
We have a strong no
cover-up policy here.
Good question. No more questions.
Anyone care for a scone?
That's a trick, the scone might
make you one ounce thicker
and that won't work for us.
The girls who asked
for the scone are cut.
Now let the tryouts begin!
How am I supposed to compete?
This clearly isn't anyone else's
first day of cheerleading.
Don't worry,
I've got a few tricks up my sleeve
to tip things in your favor.
She got a body like an hourglass ♪
But I can give it to you
All the time ♪
She got a booty like a Cadillac ♪
But I can send you
Into overdrive, oh ♪
You've been waiting for that ♪
Step on up ♪
- Ooh, damn.
- [GASPS]
- [JILL] You're cut!
- [SOBBING]
- [SQUEALS]
- You're cut!
Thank you, NSYNC's absolutely
miserable halftime show.
The way she's pumping her arms,
it's unrelenting,
defiant even.
There's a little Paula Abdul in it too.
Diane, you're the sparkle consultant.
What you think?
I'd like to see more.
Back seat of my car
I'll let you have it ♪
I'm out, Hayley!
I just had vaginal reconstruction.
I can't blast it like that.
Farewell, my coochie! [SQUEALS]
None of them sparkle!
Who are you?
I'm Kitty Kittington,
the new sparkle consultant!
What happened to Diane?
Oh, she had to attend
to a personal matter.
[SCREAMING]
They look great from here.
But let's see how they
look on the Jumbotron.
Hmm. I don't love that.
It's four dollars per day,
but this Donkey Face app was so worth it.
And to think I almost canceled
it a couple years ago!
We have chosen the final two.
It's Hayley and Barbara Ann.
[ALL EXCLAIM]
Wait! One more cut.
Barbara Ann, you got the weird knees.
Barbara Ann, please put on
pants and go directly to hell.
- I made it?
- [ALL CHEERING]
Okay, okay, personal space!
If you didn't hear your name called,
you didn't make it.
There's a list in the office if
you want to know how badly you did.
Christina, I'll save you the walk,
you were dead last.
To be clear, you're a 10-99
contractor with no benefits.
[SOFTLY] Okay, you're in the door.
Now it's time to start
our investigation proper.
Start? What have you guys been doing?
The longer Danuta's missing,
the higher the odds
we'll never find her.
- [SLAMS LOCKER]
- I'm hearing, "words, words, words."
But what I should be hearing is,
"sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!"
[SOFTLY] It's important
we maintain our covers.
But even I, Legman,
think Barbara Ann was better than you.
[LOUDLY] Come on, Mr. Accountant.
"Brr, it's cold in here.
"Stop poking 'round,
or you'll be dead I fear."
[GASPS] Wait, this is a cheer threat!
One of the Babes must've written this!
But which one?
Bad Dominic! You cannot be in here!
But he's a suspect too!
Suspect?
What I meant to say is he's sus
and pectoo
which is, of course, a Peruvian bird.
Quite beautiful.
Not a lot of meat, though.
Please don't ask me about the bird in
the future. The bird is quite real.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Someone in this organization
is involved with Danuta's disappearance
and now they're threatening my life!
And with a glitter pen, no less.
Yes! Who uses a glitter pen?
Ugh. Everyone in the organization,
unfortunately.
They all use glitter pens,
and they all reek of artificial peaches.
Let's check it for DNA.
[SNEEZES]
Hayley, that was a rookie mistake.
You're the one who sneezed on it.
And you're the one who made us stop
at Hardee's for French toast sticks
that I love and am allergic to.
"Brr, it's cold in here"
[GASPS] Its!
The author used the wrong "its"!
Wrong-Its?
That's the Kroger brand
knockoff of Cheez-Its, right?
I prefer them.
A stronger cardboard mouthfeel.
No, whoever wrote this
forgot the apostrophe.
We just have to find out which one of
these girls doesn't know her grammar.
Based on these contracts,
that could be hard.
Kashara spelled her name
with a five and a pentagram.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Come on, Carly!
You really got to throw
that kiss to Cyrus!
Mwah! Mwah!
He comes out of his luxury box for this!
He doesn't like to come out!
Make it worth his time!
Mwah!
- Whoa!
- [ALL GROAN]
Let's take a little break.
You guys can all share that banana
I left in the locker room.
- [CHEERLEADERS] Yay.
- Dibs on the peel!
[GROANS]
Hey girly goos.
I wrote a cheer. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- Can I teach it to y'all?
- Yeah!
- Let's do it!
- I love cheers!
What the hell do you think you're doing,
Hayley? I write the cheers!
Kitty, I'm investigating my creativity.
Oh, right, right.
But I'll be watching your every step.
Hovering over you like an alien.
I I mean, I'm not an alien.
Don't mind me, I had one
too many Celsius Grape Rushes!
It's Shark time!
You had to write that down?
Do you all know what this is?
Dry erase marker?
Sure. But, um, does anyone
know what an apostrophe is?
I think everybody knows.
That's when something terrible happens.
You mean a catastrophe?
Yeah. Those are bad.
Really, really bad.
We should erase that cheer!
Erase it now!
But initiative like that will put you
at the top of the pyramid one day.
Or take you to the White House.
But not both. Don't be greedy.
I could be a topper?
Praising these girls is not
the way to motivate them!
You're lucky I don't send you
downhill in a grocery cart
That's just a Southern saying.
Nothing more.
- Good job, babe.
- You're doing great!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Oh, so right after
they're super nice to me,
they sneak off to some mysterious closet
where they probably have Danuta
chained to a water heater,
drinkin' her own piss.
Gotta play this real cool and subtle.
Don't show my hand. Keep it casual.
Closet, closet, closet!
I saw you go in the closet!
What are you even talking about?
Come on everyone but Hayley,
let's go eat boiled chicken breast
and look at pictures of cookies.
They all went into this closet
and when I slyly asked them about it,
they were so weird.
[ENGINE STARTS]
School zone, watch your speed!
Oh, good looking out.
I'll take my foot off the gas,
that should slow us down.
No need to use the brake at this point.
Love that. Save it for when you need it.
When you can rely on it to work.
Ooh, can we drive past the kindergarten
as all the kids are being
walked across the street?
Sounds wonderful.
I'll pull right up close
to them in my two-ton van
so we can see their sweet faces.
[KIDS CHATTERING]
[BRAKE PEDAL THUDDING]
The brakes are out!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Jello factory!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
I thought the jello
would provide a cushion
but it was just factory equipment
and a bunch of sugary powder.
The people make the jello at home,
you idiots!
Someone tried to kill us!
It's getting too scary, Hayley.
Okay, I think
it's for the good of the case
that we take a nice,
long break, come back fresh.
I like a cold case.
Like cold noodles,
cold pizza, it's better.
No, we can't give up!
And I just can't be swinging
from jello factory to jello factory
looking for your dead friend.
You think she's dead?
That's your question?
Nothing about Steve liking cold noodles?
You gotta focus up, Hayley.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Our brakes were cut right after
I asked about the storage closet.
Wherever Danuta is,
the answer is in there.
Kashara always has the
key to it on her ankle.
She's on the third level of the pyramid.
If I can make my way up to the
second level of the pyramid,
I can grab that sweet ankle.
While you do that,
I'm gonna go over the team's I-9s.
Cool! How is that helping us?
When Danuta's found, it would be nice
if there was a fiscally sound
organization to return to.
If she's found!
- How is that helping us?
- It's not!
[ALL EXCLAIM AND GROAN]
Great hold, Smith!
You're moving up to
tier two after lunch!
You'll be right under Kashara.
Oh, yeah! Kashara!
Don't take it weird, Kashara.
I just can't wait to get ahold of
dem sweet, sweet, sweet ankles.
- Whoa!
- Will you sign your pom poms for me?
- What?
- Didn't they tell you?
The team generously donates
their signed pom poms to the kids.
Why do they let you hang around here?
What a rude question.
And I was gonna offer to lick the jello
powder off the bumper of your van.
- Where'd you go?
- Yeah, we're gonna beat your face.
- What?
- With makeup!
Makeover time!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[ALL EXCLAIM AND GROAN]
I'm so sorry! That was my fault.
Don't worry, we all make mistakes.
I blew my basket toss today.
I clapped on the seven-count.
I got really high once
when I was babysitting my
kid brother and he drowned.
Wow. This is a really supportive group.
Well, let them support you
at the top of the pyramid
'cause that's where I'm putting you!
Why would you do that?
Oh [CHUCKLES]
I have my reasons.
As the sparkle coach,
I demand to know your reasons.
My therapist told me I
need to take more risks.
My speech therapist.
She gives me tewible advice.
We're running out of
time to find Danuta,
and I haven't gotten the keys yet!
But you did get topper!
I say we drop the investigation
and see where this
cheerleading thing takes you!
Unhelpful.
Steve, please tell me you have an idea.
What? They keep food concessions
separate from beverages?
I can't reconcile this.
Danuta, you morons! Ugh!
I'll have to get into
that closet myself.
Ha, the jig is up, ladies!
It's Hayley! Run!
It's time to come clean.
Hayley, our secret is,
we can't afford to give all our
fans authentic Babes pom poms.
So we buy these knockoffs on Alibaba.com
and give them away instead.
This is your big secret?
[SOBBING] You must think we're monsters.
No, you're not.
This whole time,
you were acting so weird
but you're all so innocent.
Wait, who's not here?
- Carly! It was you!
- I don't kn
The note, my brakes,
it all happened as I
went up the pyramid.
You were trying to scare me off
because you thought I was a threat!
Brakes? What are you talking about?
I just wrote you a note because I
know something weird is going on
and I don't want you to get hurt.
So you don't know where Danuta is?
- No! I have no idea!
- [WOMAN] But I know!
Carly, cheerleader to cheerleader,
you gotta tell me.
Do I have time to turn
around and see who this is?
Or is my head about to be
covered with a big sack?
- [WOMAN] Sack attack!
- [HAYLEY] Called it.
- Hayley! Are you okay?
- Danuta?
You're lucky,
I had to eat my way out of my own sack.
Danuta, thank God!
- Who put you here?
- [WOMAN] I did.
Carly?
I didn't say that, my hands are tied.
Carly's mom?
Why are you doing this?
I was a great cheerleader.
I was a topper!
It was my whole life until that bitch
Cyrus Mooney Jr said
I was too old to cheer.
- But I'm not too old to kill!
- Us?
No, I just needed all potential
toppers out of the way.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go put on
my daughter's uniform,
climb to the top of the pyramid,
and when Cyrus comes out
to catch a kiss, it'll be a kiss
of death.
Kiss of death, y'all!
This is bad.
Why are you wearing a
cheerleading uniform?
I went undercover looking for you.
And I gotta say, I take back
everything I said about cheerleaders.
To your face and behind your back.
You might not believe this,
but in high school
- You were bullied by a cheerleader?
- Yeah.
- Can you believe it?
- Yes.
Excuse me, Wheels.
Let me just fart in here real quick
and then we'll resume the search
Oh, hey, ladies! You're rescued!
Thank God! How did you find us
- [ALL GROAN]
- Oh, no!
Jill was trying to get reimbursed
for an unbelievable amount of mileage,
so in my capacity as team accountant,
I put a tracker on her car.
While I ate four dozen deviled eggs!
Now let's go, girls.
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
Which one of you prisoners
has the key to this door?
- Damn it!
- Did someone say "Dominic"?
No, get out of here, ya creep!
No, wait, help us, you creep!
We gotta get out of here and stop Jill!
Did you bring your rope?
Why do people always
think I have a rope?
Ew. Your hands are so clammy!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ANNOUNCER] And now,
our halftime performers,
the Bazooka Shark Babes!
Due to an uptick in
uninvestigated disappearances,
today's topper will be Carly!
Jill, what are you doing?
No, it's me, Carly.
You're confused because I
look just like my young mom.
[CROWD CHEERING]
You want your kiss don't ya, Cyrus?
Pucker up and eat this!
Old face, meet young foot!
So close.
- [ALL GROAN]
- [DART WHIZZES]
Gorilla Stars rule, Sharks drool
'Zooka Sharks.
[HANDCUFFS CLICK]
Well, we did it again, Wheels.
Case closed, Legman.
Couldn't have done it without you.
What exactly did you guys do?
Well, maybe this wasn't our best work.
Maybe we've lost a step, Wheels.
[GASPS] I don't like that expression.
How insensitive of me.
Jill's going away for a long time.
And Danuta'll be back
on top of the pyramid!
You know, I think
I'm hanging up my pom poms.
The abduction was really traumatic
and I feel I need to be in
therapy for a good long time.
You don't need therapy!
Therapy is for people who
couldn't be cheerleaders.
Thanks, Hayley.
I can't believe you did
this all by yourself.
I had a little help.
Very little.
- Is she still looking?
- I don't care anymore.
As far as I'm concerned,
we're the only two people in the world.
Bye! Have a great time!