American Dad s19e17 Episode Script

1
Ugh.
I can't see crap.
I don't know how the
Biebs gets anything done.
Try having a wallet chain that weighs
five times your body weight, bro.
- It looks sick though, right?
- Hell yeah. Let's go be emo AF.
On their phones?
No kiss?
Where are all
the future teen moms?
- Damn, no one in town's boning.
- It's more than that, Klaus.
It's a total lack of intimacy,
and it wounds my emo soul.
Whoa, even Principal Lewis isn't
sniffing the volleyball team's hair
for good luck anymore.
He was spoken to, but still,
it's heartbreaking.
Luckily, I know just the person
to contact to save Langley.
Later, skater.
Wait, so we're not going to the 7-Eleven
to steal beers in your big pants?
Nothing says you mean business like
a letter written in your own blood.
To the winds!
Okay, time to relax.
Come on, Mei Lan.
Don't shut Bao Bao out.
Look into her eyes.
Written in blood?
They must mean business.
Langley needs an intimacy coach.
Stay sexy, Beijing.
Darn tootin' I ride my Vespa sidesaddle.
I'm classy as shit.
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
Bonsoir, Langley.
Welcome to Lovers and Other Strangers.
I'm your host, intimacy coach
and grandma, Suzette Foufoune.
Let's get right into it, shall we?
Most people don't know
how to practice intimacy,
which I like to spell "into me see,"
to remind you to let your partner in.
For instance, have you ever asked
your partner what temperature
of bath water they prefer?
I like mine the temperature of urine,
which is convenient
because I have chronic
bladder control issues.
And now a word from our sponsor,
Gary's Wholesale Sausage Emporium.
Are retail hot dog prices
making you c-c-razy?
Come on down to Gary's for
all your discount dog needs.
- Was this really the best we could do?
- Blue Apron passed.
Okay, okay. Let's get vulnerable,
Langley. Let's get sexy.
First caller gets 11 feet of
Gary's signature summer sausage.
Bonsoir, lover.
What's your question for Suzanne?
I'm afraid to initiate
physical contact with my wife.
More of a statement than a question,
but we'll say you still get
five feet of sausage.
Our next guest is known as
the "Get It On Granny."
She's taken Langley by storm.
Give it up for Suzette Foufoune!
Now, you've transformed Langley into
one of the sexiest cities in America,
and did what no one else
could or wanted to.
You got Suze and her
ex Mike back together.
The courts, her family,
and his AA sponsor are all against it.
But with your help, they found a way.
Is that foreplay or foul play?
After the break, we find out.
If it weren't for Roger's new persona,
I wouldn't have discovered how
much I love brushing your hair.
I can't think of anything more
intimate we could do in this position.
Getting intimate with my
bros has helped us dominate
the Vow of the Disciple raid.
Now we alternate the leeching force
debuff while we kill the Glyphkeepers
in Rhulk's inner sanctum.
Thanks to Suzette,
Snot and I took our
relationship to the next level.
We got matching tats.
Oh, my God. Is nowhere safe?
I just had to watch a couple Lady
and the Tramp a sub sandwich at work.
Babe, you're back.
I had such a hectic day
waiting for you in bed.
Jeff and I don't need any
of this intimacy crap.
- Our relationship is tight. Right, Jeff?
- Tight as a tiger.
Sorry, that was a lion.
Sounds like someone is
afraid to get vulnerable.
Or get sexy.
Jeff and I are sexy as hell. In fact
Let's go do it!
Peace, slut.
Scrubbin' up my undercarriage ♪
Mediocre sex is part of marriage ♪
Keep meeting my needs!
I'm meeting the shit
out of your needs right now.
Needs! Needs!
"Need. A requirement,
"either physiological
"or puh-sy-cho-lo-gi-cal."
Whoo! A lot of big words.
Good thing I have this dic-tee-on-ary.
O-M-G, I have needs.
But how can I get Hayley to be intimate?
She just wants to hit it and quit it.
It feels like your heart's
not in this, Rogu.
If I wanted someone to lightly slap my
back with a dead fish, I have a guy.
Bonsoir, you're live with Suzette.
What's your name, lover?
Jeff Fischer.
Oh, I mean, spelled G-E-O-F-F.
Jeff, just come up to the attic,
for God's sake.
I'm going off air. Bring lotion.
Now that's what I'm talking about.
It should feel like you almost hate me.
You were saying?
I want intimacy,
but I'm worried Hayley doesn't.
With a resistant partner, you have
to be crystal clear about your needs.
Can you focus on my glutes?
And when I say glutes,
I obviously mean my butthole.
Gentlemen, have any of you heard
of something called Netflix?
Why sure, I have.
It's a "streamer."
Last night, I "streamed" a program about
a spunky little gal called Marie Kondo.
Marie is all about letting
go of unnecessary crap.
It made me realize the
CIA is in dire need
of a good decluttering.
Does this mean you'll be
inspecting our personal workspaces?
Damn skippy, Weitzman.
Unless it sparks joy for me personally,
say sayonara, sweetheart.
Ring, ring, ring.
I'm getting a call on my spy phone.
- Hello, Mr. President.
- Sounds important.
Champers? Noice.
I realized if I want my needs met,
it's important to be crystal clear.
- So I need you to
- Can't hear you when you're naked.
Now bend over. Mama wants.
Peace, slut.
What are you doing up?
- It's your nap time.
- No.
- It's "we need to talk" time, Hayley.
- Hayley?
- Someone needs a nap.
- What I need is intimacy.
And you're not meeting my needs.
Uh, our sex life is fire, dude.
I haven't finished from sex
with you in over a year.
Please.
Everyone knows it's physically
impossible for guys to fake orgasms.
Sex. Sex.
Sex!
Oh, my God. You have been faking.
I don't want to pretend anymore.
That's why I bought us tickets
to Suzette's Intimacy Intensive
in Old Upper Lanceton.
That weird old lady Roger
persona everyone's obsessed with?
No way.
It starts tonight and
I'm gonna be there.
I hope you will be too.
Oh, my God.
When did Jeff get a suitcase?
How did I beat you here?
You left two hours before me.
I had to return my suitcase.
It was a rental.
- You came!
- Yeah, and I'm not happy about it.
- It smells weird in here.
- That's the vulnerability.
It has an aroma like a soft cheese
left to ripen gently in the Tuscan sun.
This psycho's gonna help us?
Right.
Our first exercise. Let's start easy.
Dip our toes into the "into-me-sea."
This time it's "sea" like the ocean.
Let's all share with the group.
Question. What's your favorite cereal?
- Fruity Pebbles.
- Fruity Pebbles.
- Bran Flakes.
- Grape-Nuts.
Count Chocula.
Babe, what's yours?
Shredded Wheat.
- Frosted or plain?
- Stop interrogating me!
My favorite cereal is
my own private business!
That bitch is crazy.
There's a door right there.
Sorry, Jeff, we only have two rules.
No singles and no refunds.
The truth about who killed JFK?
I prefer living in the dark. Shred it.
This picture of you and
Captain Picard at Comic-Con?
That handsome devil.
But he got a little handsy. Trash it.
- Some funky old rollerblades?
- My beloved.
Believe it or not,
I was a real rink rat.
I even won the Disco Diva skate-off.
I was riding high that day,
as were my gold lame shorts.
These roller skates are
my new standard for joy.
An original Van Gogh,
stolen during World War II,
recovered by Green Berets
in a midnight raid
that cost two men their lives,
one of whom was your father.
Barf! Burn it!
Stop chasing me, Jeff!
Give me some space, stalker!
But Jeff always follows me.
Oof, I do not need another wolf bite.
I'm very sensitive to people's
energy and yours sucks ass.
Mi poppers es su poppers.
What's your deal, dawg?
My wife jumped out a window because
I don't want sex without intimacy.
What? Intimacy is overrated.
And you can orgasm
like a pig without it.
Why would I want to orgasm like a pig?
Because pigs have orgasms
that last up to 90 minutes.
Maybe that's why bacon
tastes so delicious.
Listen, I built a machine capable
of giving a pig's orgasm to humans.
And the best part is, once you have one,
your brain changes forever.
- You'll never need intimacy again.
- Awesome!
If neither of us needs it,
me and Babe will get along so great.
Yeah. It's like they say,
once you're squealing,
there's no need for feelings.
Where's Jeff?
Kind of hard to do trust
falls without a partner.
Probably across the street at Applebee's,
that's where most of my dropouts end up.
Whoopsie!
I'm Craig Robinson!
Have you seen my husband?
Cute butt, wears a hat.
Yeah, he left with some bald
pervert in a lab coat who was trying
to hook people up to
a pig orgasm machine.
Weitzman.
- F-15?
- No joy.
Goodwill!
New mission just came in. Drug bust.
All we need is two Black Hawks
and a rocket launcher.
What have I done?
I've gotten rid of everything
except my golden skates.
This disco diva has a
few tricks in him yet.
I'll take it from here, gentlemen.
Off I go!
Smith, can I get a push?
Behold, the Porkgasm 5000!
Cool. But why did you build this again?
I believe if humans were as
sexually satisfied as pigs,
- world peace would be imminent.
- Sure.
So how does it work?
The Porkgasm 5000 bypasses
your prefrontal cortex
and connects directly to your spank
bank, accessing your turn-ons,
and amplifying them 5,000 times
to give you your most
bestest orgasm ever.
Sounds super scientific.
But if it's going to save my marriage,
I'll try anything.
All right, Mr. Doctor.
Which nose hole do I put my wiener in?
The helmet goes on your head.
There. All ready to get piggy with it.
- Ugh-ugh, baby.
- Let's play doctor.
- Want to do it gorilla-style?
- You can leave your hat on.
Can we talk first?
Any of you want to share your feelings?
I share feelings. Good feelings.
This is not boding well for me.
You should be in hog heaven
by now, buddy.
Hmm. No response.
Maybe the oink factor's too low.
Paper towels! Paper towels!
Two visitors in one day?
Ha! Best day ever.
- What have you done with my husband?
- Jeff's your husband?
Oh! You're the one
who won't meet his needs.
I can totally see that.
Cut the crap, Weitzman. Is Jeff okay?
Oh, right. He's being electrocuted.
Ooh. Shake it, honey.
Hey, girl. What's up?
Mama wants.
Oh, my God! Jeff!
Oh, my God!
- Porky!
- What did you do to him, you monster?
Technically, you did this to him.
He wanted to remove his need
for intimacy to make you happy.
You want to see a monster?
Look in the mirror, honey.
- Just unplug it!
- Can't!
If Jeff doesn't orgasm in the machine,
he'll never orgasm again in real life.
It's a small design flaw
I don't like to dwell on.
I'm going in. I'm his wife,
and if anyone can make him
orgasm like a pig, it's me.
Babe, is that real you?
Jeff, I've got to make you climax,
or we're never getting out of here.
But I need intimacy to do that,
and you don't want it.
I do want it.
It's just,
there's things I'm ashamed of.
Quit it. Like what, babe?
My first sexual experience.
It's so embarrassing.
- I'm afraid you'll judge me.
- I could never judge you.
This is a safe space.
- Oh, no.
- Is that a basketball?
Wait, did you lose your
virginity to a basketball player?
Was it Shaq? LeBron?
The great James Naismith?
I'm confused.
I was at the park one day,
minding my business.
A little help?
After a while, I got tired of standing,
so I sat on a basketball.
And suddenly, for the first time,
I felt feelings
down there.
Thank you for being intimate with me,
babe!
- I've never felt closer to you!
- Stop!
Don't you dare stick him down there!
- Use this instead!
- Basketball?
Mama want!
So, a basketball
was my first sexual partner.
- You don't think I'm a big weirdo?
- Of course I do.
But I love you anyway.
- And I'm really turned on.
- You are?
- Wait, I am too.
- Quick, tell me another secret.
Okay. Um, my adult teeth never came in.
These are my baby teeth.
Luckily, they're freakishly large.
I pee in the shower sometimes.
I pee in the shower every time.
Sex!
Sex! Sex!
Here we go!
What? They're porkgasming from intimacy?
Ugh, this is bullshit!
I need a third helmet.
In the name of the CIA and these skates,
surrender to justice!
Put down your weapons.
"Boogie Woogie" Bullock?
Randy "Good Times"?
- I haven't seen you since
- You beat me in the Disco Diva skate-off,
and I turned to a life of crime
instead of having good times.
I'll tell you what, Boogie Woogie.
I want a do-over.
- And if you win, you can bust my drugs.
- And if you win?
- I get those fabulous golden skates.
- You're on, Good Times.
My hip!
I've had mine replaced.
Sometimes after sex, I like
to fantasize about Medieval Times.
The dinner and tournament,
not the historical period.
Babe, when you're intimate like that,
you turn "after sex"
into "right before" sex.
Ew, get a room.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!