The Simpsons s19e19 Episode Script

The Simpsons S19E19 (KABF12) Mona Leaves-a This punishment is not medieval.
Hey.
What took you so long? Excuse me.
- Are you leaving? - No, sorry.
I'm not leaving.
Sorry, not leaving.
Not quite yet.
I'm sorry.
I'm not leaving.
So what are you doing? Oh, I like creating disappointment.
You know that little moment where people's hope dies? I feed on that.
Uh, is this space free? You know as a matter of fact it ain't! Ahh, that's heavenly.
Sweaters, not the fun cartoon Mom, you tricked us! We thought this was going to be a fun trip to the mall! We listed to music radio in the car.
And since you kids behaved, we'll pick one fun thing to do here.
I want to go lecture the food court businesses that are still using Styrofoam.
Lead-based toys! Lead-based toys! Sit on a bench! Sit on a bench! For once, we'll do what Maggie wants.
Oh, Maggie's thing? She won't even remember that we did it! None of you kids ever remember any of the nice things we do for you.
- Like what? - Food.
- Pass.
- Shelter? - That dump?! - Clothing? I wouldn't blow my nose into this.
Welcome to Stuff-N-Hug, a Funworks Lovelab! I'm used to buying my critters pre-made.
How does your store differ? Why should I tell you, when we've got a video that shows you! Video's broken, Alan! Call Eric! I'm Eric! Black Eric! I want a poodle.
I'd stay away from poodles.
They give the dog ideas.
How much love do you want in your Stuff-N-Hug? I want all the love.
Snow day! So little girl, what outfit do you want for your dolphin? - Doctor.
- Okay nurse it is.
Professor.
- Kindergarten teacher.
- Chef! - Lunch lady! - CEO! Secretary to a CEO.
You know, it's a boy dolphin.
Oh here you go, Doctor.
We fooled her Betsy.
Bart is awesome.
Bart is awesome.
Wow, this guy could put Milhouse out of business.
Oh, well, this is kind of a cute outfit.
Homer is a lard butt.
- What did you say? - Homer has booger breath.
- It's a medical condition! - Homer is a big jerk.
Who told you these things about me? Dung muncher.
Stink brains.
Cheese wang.
Captain Crud.
I don't want to get mad, but I will! B.
O.
Baracus.
Mount Baldy.
Tub of Guts.
Crapper Clogger.
Oh, that's it! Uh, Mom, we got a code four.
I'll kill you all! It didn't have to go down like this! The door's open! I think someone broke in! Don't worry.
I'm ready for this.
Bart, fetch "The Defender.
" Yes, sir! I hear noises coming from the kitchen.
Uh-oh, that's where the food sleeps.
Wait a minute.
I smell apples, cinnamon,.
crust.
It's a pie! Why would a robber make pie? Who cares? If you kill him, we'll be on TV! You're right, boy! Hmm? Mom! My aquarium! Hello, Homer.
You're alive! And you baked a pie! Homie, what's going on? I'm fighting the robber! You go get ice cream! Mom, I can't believe you're here.
You keep disappearing and reappearing and it's not funny.
You're just like that show Scrubs.
Homer, I'm sorry I had to pretend to be dead.
But it worked because the government isn't looking for me anymore.
I can finally stop running and be your mom.
No, thanks.
What do you mean? Every time you go, I feel abandoned.
But not this time.
I'm not gonna let myself get hurt.
Homer, I'm through protesting and chaining myself to things.
I've realized that the most important thing in my life is you.
That's what your mouth says, but my ears are too smart to believe it.
In fact, I don't even want your pie.
You already ate the whole thing.
Well, I'm not going to digest it! Wow, Dad was so cute as a baby.
When did he lose his cuteness? Oh, I have a picture of that right here.
I do feel bad for missing so much of Homer's childhood.
But at least he wasn't raised by a television.
See you later, honey.
Mommy has to go chain herself to a nuclear submarine.
Hugs and kisses! You left a hole in heart that could never be filled.
So I filled it with food.
But I'm never full.
Welcome back to the ESPY Awards.
Our next presenters are Lance Armstrong and Fozzie Bear.
Wokka, wokka, wokka! That's right, Fozzie, and this year's Right Guard Keeping Cool Under Pressure Award goes to Hey, Lance, nice trousers.
Did you win those at the Tour de Pants? Wokka, wokka! Yeah, well, I never thought you were funny.
Ever.
Wokka, wokka! Wokka, wokka? Anyway, the Right Guard Keeping Cool Under Pressure Award goes to Oh, I don't even care.
Homer? - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
It's my feelings that are mad.
Oh, sweetheart, when I left you, it was because I thought I could make the world a little bit better.
Maybe all I did was make my own world a lot worse.
I only hope you can forgive me.
No! I can't forgive you.
And I don't accept your tuck-in! I understand.
These things take time.
Good night.
Oh, I feel terrible.
My own mother reached out to me, and I rejected her.
I'm gonna make her a card.
Mom? Are you asleep? Asleep with your eyes open? Mom? Mom?! My mother's dead.
I'm still with you, son.
Oh, this just gets worse and worse! After your mother left me, I always planned to dance on her grave.
First, it was gonna be the Hustle.
Recently, I've been taking tap lessons.
But now? Well, I don't feel much like dancing.
Come on, Homie.
Your mom wouldn't have wanted you to stay in bed forever.
I'll tell you what she didn't want.
Me to be a jerk to her and then she dies.
Say something comforting.
Okay, comforting, comforting.
Uh, Dad, whenever I would hang out with Grandma, she would always ask me about you.
And I'd say you suck.
And she would say you don't suck that bad.
She said I didn't suck? That bad.
That bad.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Sorry about your ma, Homer.
I just wish she hadn't died thinking I hated her.
Yeah, you should always make peace with your loved ones.
I think I'll give my ma a call right now.
Hey, Mom, I just wanted you to know that you mean Yeah, he's here.
Hey, Mrs.
L.
Those butter cookies you sent were tasty.
And the almond ones, oh! Aw, I wish I was your son, too.
All right, I'm gonna pass you back Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
Uh, Moe, Lenny's mom says she loves you.
Apu, what do you think happens after you die? Manjula will sell the store, dye her hair blonde, and marry my cousin Jangelvar.
Yes, I will.
I mean, do you think my mother's out there somewhere? Does she know I feel bad about things I said? Perhaps she's around us now.
She may have already been reincarnated as that newborn baby or that tiny mouse in the nacho cheese.
Oh, for crying out loud, people aren't mice.
Oh, what a surprise.
Joe Jesus, Junior is going to set us all straight.
Look, Homer, people don't come back as anything, except for our Lord, who came back as bread.
- That's it.
- That's it.
That's the thing with your religion: it's a bummer.
Even the sing-alongs? No, the sing-alongs are okay.
Homer, look what I found with your mother's things A donut from the future? The following video was recorded at Garry's Video Wills.
Maggie, that's the same Garry that filmed your birthday party.
Remember,he brought his girlfriend and they got in a fight? Hello, Homer.
If you are watching this right now, I am dead.
Or if I'm nodead, you've gotten in to my stuff.
But if I am dead, this is my will.
And if I'm not, get out of my stuff.
To my grandson Bart, I leave my Swiss Army knife.
Cool.
My dearest Lisa, I leave you a priceless item so powerful no government can ever extinguish it: my rebellious spirit Grandma, I accept your gift.
You got nothing, you got nothing.
Marge, I have a purse for you.
It's woven out of nature's most amazing material: hemp.
Hmm, it smells like concerts.
And lastly, for Homer, I leave you something very special.
A difficult task.
Go to Springfield Monument Park and climb to the highest point.
At exactly 3:00, release my ashes.
I love you, Homer.
And now, because they're your favorite, please enjoy some animal bloopers.
Aw, Ma, you always knew just how to make everything all right.
Oh, it works on so many levels.
Okay, this is it.
I've got one last chance to make up for the things I said to my mom.
I will avenge you.
It's not really avenging her, Dad, just the fulfillment of her last wish.
I'm really glad you corrected me, Lisa.
People are always really glad when they're corrected.
This is hard work.
Isn't it, boy? - Boy? - Hey, Homer! Your butt still looks big from down here! Why, you little! You know, spiritually speaking, Grandma's ashes won't know where they've been thrown from, so in a way I'm lying down now.
I always knew that at the end, it would all come down to me.
Excuse me, I think I'm holding up better than you are.
In fact, I've got energy to spare.
Hmm, to spare, eh? Marge, your back is so sweaty.
I'm starting to slip off.
That's the highest point.
And only 15 minutes to go.
Made it.
Mom, we didn't know each other very well.
If we did, you never would have asked me to climb anything, but even when you weren't around, I always felt good knowing you were out there somewhere.
Good-bye, Mom.
You're finally free.
Huh? Guidance system destroyed.
Launch aborted.
Wait a minute.
Mom's ashes stopped that missile launch.
Mom.
You used me to pull one more stupid hippie protest.
Didn't you? Judging from the wind direction, distance, time of day, the ashes must have come from him.
Ugh, ever since you started watching Monk, you think you are Monk.
You're not Monk.
Uh-oh, I got to get out of here.
I'm stayin' as long as nothing disturbs this incredibly delicate balance.
You're not supposed to like it.
Show me the law that says I can't.
Are you hurt? I don't think so.
So we got to do that, too.
Here's your mother.
You can have her.
To me, she's been nothing but trouble.
What's the delay? Mr.
Burns, we had a saboteur.
Well, well, well.
Who's this delightful young lady? She's what held up the launch, sir.
Pity.
You and I could have shared the world.
You do know you're talking to a bag of ashes.
Hey, I've seen your wife.
She's no Mamie Van Doren.
Just what are you guys up to? Oh, I suppose there's no harmin telling you.
I'm using the rocket to dispose of Springfield's nuclear waste by sending it straight to the heart of the Amazon rainforest.
The rainforest? That's that thing Lisa likes.
Well, maybe she'll like it better filled with dying trees and mutated animals.
You monster.
On another subject, next Thursday I have to leave work early.
I assume that's cool.
All systems operational.
Excellent.
Mom, I'm so sorry.
You just wanted to stop one more senseless act of madness in this world.
Well, if I get out of this, I promise you I'll grant your last wish.
Homer, hey, Homer.
Here's Grandma's knife.
Toss it down.
Thanks, boy.
How am I ever going to take on all those guys? Hmm, what could I make from those two things? Mm no.
My purse is made of hemp.
If we burn it, the silly smoke will mellow out those guards.
We can ignite it with these crystal earrings Grandma gave me.
I thought she gave you her rebellious spirit.
I found them on her nightstand.
What? Bart got a Swiss Army knife.
One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small Hey, did you ever think about how, like, your fingers are like legs for your hand? Imagine what cute little shoes they'd wear.
That's already a thing thimbles, right? God bless America! Send in reinforcements.
Actually, you only hired ten.
A couple guys called in sick and the Jewish guy has to leave at sunset.
Fine.
That'll do, brick.
That'll do.
Base self-destruct sequence activated.
Detonation in ten, nine, eight Homie.
Now I'll just add water to these ashes and bring my mother back to life.
It doesn't work that way, Homie.
But she'll live on forever in what you did today.
Well, then, Mom, this was for you.
No, I would not give you false hope On this strange and mournful day But the mother and child reunion Is only a motion away little darling of mine.
More sugar, more sugar.
- No.
- Why not? Because you're sweet enough.
Relecture: Rassman