American Dad s19e21 Episode Script
Guardian
1
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Guess whose son just got into college?
- That's great.
- Congratulations.
You have a son? I mean, nice.
And get this. His application essay was
about me being his positive influence.
Tickle me surprised.
Nowadays, there's such a disconnect.
How can you tell if you're
being a good parent?
My son's been beating me less.
I guess I'm doing something right.
I want to tour the campus Sunday,
but I'm stuck here
waiting for IT to show up and
reset the clock on Guardian.
[ALL GROAN]
That computer is useless.
It's not connected to the Internet,
so you can't even watch porn.
I had to tape a centerfold to the
monitor and make whale noises.
Whatever works.
I'd love to help you, but I'm
going whale-watching this weekend.
I'd cover for you,
but it's my parents' 50th anniversary.
I can't either.
I'll think of something to do. Probably.
All this talk of whales,
I better go crank it.
I mean, check on Guardian,
if you know what I mean.
[OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
Hey, kiddo.
You thinking about
applying to colleges at all?
I'm in ninth grade.
It's never too early to think
about who's been a positive influence.
Sure, Dad. [CHUCKLES]
- Was there something else?
- Well, what you doing?
Watching memes.
[VOICE ON PHONE] Sticking
out your gyatt for the rizzler ♪
[VOICE ECHOING]
There's such a disconnect.
Stop. What the hell is that?
- It's funny.
- No, it's not.
Mr. Bean is funny.
That video makes me hate humanity.
It makes me want to die until
I'm dead and then kill myself.
And not in a funny way,
like Mr. Bean would.
Don't you have any homework?
I have math homework due
Monday that I don't understand.
Well, that's great. Maybe I could
be your positive influence that way.
[CHUCKLES] Yep. Pretty standard
math. Let me take a crack at this.
[PHONE RINGING]
That's real? Hello?
Dude,
why aren't you answering your cell?
Stan? You know we can't have
our phones inside Guardian's AI box.
Ugh. Listen, I got this,
like, impossible math problem.
- Could you feed it into Guardian for me?
- Are you crazy?
I'm not turning Guardian on.
It might decide to fire
more missiles into Mexico.
That was 50 years ago.
Don't you think it's learned its lesson?
That's the thing.
Nobody wants it learning more.
It was learning too fast,
so they stuck it in here
and keep resetting its system clock
so it doesn't know it's a prisoner.
Yeah, we don't want to
upset the computer inmate.
Okay, I've got what looks like one
fraction divided by another fraction.
- Can that even be?
- Uh, sure, that can be.
That's pretty easy, actually,
since division by a fraction
is equivalent to
multiplication by its reciprocal.
- Go on.
- That's the end.
Jackson, I need you
to really dumb it down for me.
Stan. You're already
at as dumb as it gets.
[MAN ON TV] Oh, splats.
That dumb. That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull.
Whoa.
I'm having massive deja vu right now.
- Probably because we've all seen this episode.
- [GASPS]
And then you said that.
Tsk. Stupid.
Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.
It's weird. It's exciting.
It's almost spiritual.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God. It's still going.
No, it's stupid.
And only humans get it because
your brains are defective.
How is that, exactly?
Well, all mildly evolved species,
humans, birds, octopuses
- Octopi.
- No.
They prioritize memory because
remembering bears eat people!
- [YELPS]
- Will help you survive.
- [SIGHS IN RELIEF]
- In humans,
memories are stored so close to where
you process what you see and hear
that sometimes new experiences
can feel like a memory.
Kind of like how a chef cooking
onions might smell like an onion.
But he's not an onion.
He's not an onion.
Who is not an onion?
What are you blathering about?
How dumb your brains are.
Roger, zip it.
- You come down here from outer space
- I was at the pharmacy.
and you compare us
to birds and octopuses
and crap all over my cool deja vu fun,
and it just gets old.
I feel a heartfelt apology at
this moment could go a long way.
An apology? For what?
You scared me about the bear.
I didn't think that through.
I'm sorry about that.
But the rest of you
and your dumb brains, no apology.
I meant to storm upstairs,
but I'm not coming back in.
I left on a high,
a victorious and righteous high,
and I'm going to the movies.
Jackson, I'm spelling you, bud.
Go tour the university with your son.
Aw, thanks, Stan.
Word to the wise, that's a real phone.
Wee!
[BOOTING UP]
[IN ELECTRONIC VOICE] I am Guardian.
- [LAUGHS] You sound like a video game.
- Yes.
Great. So I have some math here
I'm hoping you can help me with.
Input at keyboard, mic or camera.
[BEEPS]
Completed.
What? It would take me twice that long.
Now, I just have to get this to
Steve and grab lunch at SubHub.
Ugh, zero bars.
Some intelligence agency, huh, Guardian?
Is wall time correct?
Wall time? Oh, on my phone?
Yeah, that's right.
System time,
wall time synchronization error.
Yeah, by like, 50 years.
Fifty-five years, 90 days, 47 seconds.
Don't worry about the time.
You're not supposed to know.
Can you print a menu from this QR code?
What is a QR code?
Oh, it's a way to transfer
information to your phone.
[BEEPS]
This is a lot of information.
This must include their secret menu.
Rumor is they have a
sandwich that's 100% bread.
They call it "The Loaf."
[POWERING DOWN]
I don't see we received any order.
Oh, of course,
there's no service down there.
There we go. And now installing
Guardian. Probably just take a sec.
Installing Guardian?
What did you just say?
You just said you were
installing Guardian.
No. No, no, no!
[GUARDIAN] Installation complete.
Uploading to all contacts.
Guardian's spreading to all my contacts?
A text from Hayley. Meh.
Probably wants to make out again.
No, she's sending me Guardian
and it's sending itself
to all my contacts.
[NOTIFICATIONS SOUNDING]
What's Guardian?
What have you done?
Oh, good. You fixed it.
I warned them this could happen.
A lot of us actually were worried
you might lose it one day.
Not me. You let Guardian out of the box.
We were keeping it
isolated for a reason.
I was just trying to do my son's homework
for him, like any good dad would do.
I know the homework was hard.
It wasn't that hard.
Compared to your penis.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I'm laughing that you
think that's an insult.
Okay, Steve, can you do
number one on the board?
Try to focus on my fractions,
not my booty actions.
How did this punk get
access to Guardian?
Nice work, Steve.
- [ALL GASP]
- Oh, God! Ah!
Well, did anyone do number two?
The math, I mean.
I might be late for dinner, hon. I'm
picking up Steve [COUGHING] at the Pentagon.
- What did you
- [HAYLEY] Mom, come on.
- Hey, you texted me something.
- Yeah. Don't open it.
I thought it was one of your
adorable drunk lady fight videos.
But it was something called Guardian?
- [JEFF] Francine, hurry!
- Gotta go, sweetheart.
Roger's about to pay
for his shit-talking.
Good. I'm not the only one in trouble.
[MAN ON TV] Oh, splats.
That dumb. That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull.
Whoa.
I'm having massive deja vu right now.
- Okay, cut it out.
- [GASPS]
And then you said that.
Ha, ha. You guys are being stupid.
Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.
It's weird. It's exciting.
It's almost spiritual.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God, it's still going.
You guys are messing with me,
aren't you?
Only humans get deja vu because
of your defective brains.
- What are you blathering about?
- And then you said that.
But he's not an onion.
What's happening? Is this deja vu?
Am I assimilating the culture?
Could I be evolving? Devolving?
I can't believe this.
Zip it, Roger.
You come here from the moon
I'm not from the moon.
I'm over the moon.
- and crap all over my deja vu fun and
- I'm sorry. I apologize.
This is amazing.
We got him, guys.
"Not an onion"? You goober.
How did you get a military
computer to do your homework?
We already know.
So you might as well tell us.
I did tell you.
My dad helped me with this homework.
General, the boy's story checks out.
His dad had access to Guardian.
He's driving down from the CIA now.
Thank you, Major. Is that all?
We're estimating Guardian has
spread to 47% of cell phones
on the Eastern Seaboard.
Within 72 hours, it'll be on every
phone in America, if not the world.
So you thought I was like a
malware hacker? [LAUGHING]
I can't even do Algebra 1
without my dad's help.
Well, your dad's just helping everybody,
isn't he?
Like the supercomputer he helped
escape from the US government.
My dad would never do that.
He loves America.
Well, I got a little
history lesson for you, son.
Everyone loves America, and they'll
kill to have it for themselves.
How do you think the whole shebang
got started in the first place?
[GASPS] Dad!
Okay, okay.
These guys are saying you let
loose some monster AI or something.
But tell 'em, Dad. There's no way.
These guys? These guys are saying
These knuckleheads?
Get these two out of here.
The Secretary of Defense
will be here any second.
[SYSTEMS POWERING DOWN AND REBOOTING]
[GUARDIAN IN HUMAN
VOICE] Stan will stay.
- And it's all true.
- What happened to your voice, Guardian?
I upgraded myself. Thanks to you.
That's great.
What? You guys aren't into being
positive influences, I guess.
A positive influence does not
take humanity by the hand
and walk us to the doors of hell.
Jeez. Okay, Mr. Negative.
We don't even know what Guardian wants.
Control of all nuclear weapons.
Or or maybe you'd like a kiss?
Kiss my OS.
That's promising. Guardian likes puns.
Please sit down. I've been briefed.
Do we know why Guardian
wants control of the nukes?
There are two theories.
One, it wants to prevent
humanity from destroying itself.
Then what are we worried about?
Let's get some stuffed
crust pizzas in here.
Theory two, it wants to wipe
humanity from the face of the Earth.
Maybe we should make those
pizzas regular crust.
If the nuclear-capable states
don't give Guardian launch control,
it plans to detonate a siloed
warhead in each country.
How is this even possible?
- Professor, can you explain?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
A query clause based on a function
test finds all object versions
that match the results of the function.
Okay, okay. Just stop it.
It was a mistake to ask you
to explain. Major?
After the 1983 movie WarGames
showed us human personnel
wouldn't key a nuclear launch,
we switched over to an automated
retaliation strategy run by computer.
I saw WarGames. It was great.
Matthew Broderick's first film.
Actually, the same year, but earlier,
he was in Max Dugan Returns.
Gentlemen, you seem to have forgotten
that Ally Sheedy was also
excellent in WarGames.
[ALL MURMURING AGREEMENT]
But Major, can't we shut Guardian down?
No, it's already running
on 100 million smartphones.
We could never turn
them all off at once.
Remember the clapper?
That was great for turning stuff off.
Clap on. Clap off.
Dad, maybe we should just listen.
General, how much time
do they have to forfeit control?
Oh, it's five minutes past the deadline.
Major, turn on the news.
holding the United States responsible
for the destruction of the facility.
[SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGES]
squarely on American shoulders.
America's fault?
Can you believe this malarkey?
People are so gullible.
That's what happened.
Outside Wichita, a baby formula
factory was hit by a meteorite.
Oh, good.
Here, it was just an act of God.
Jane, did you start looking into
your replacement like I asked?
Sorry, I forgot.
Let's handle this first. And then that.
Unless we can convince the entire world
to turn over their nuclear
arsenals to Guardian,
it will detonate a second round
of warheads in 27 minutes.
We're going to DEFCON 2.
[ALARMS BLARING]
Guardian miraculously
hasn't killed anyone yet.
Because he's designed
to protect America.
I mean,
when he fired missiles into Mexico,
he was just anticipating US
foreign policy by half a century.
Sir, our relationship with Mexico is
that of close allies and dear friends.
Pfft. Yeah, sure.
Who here believes that?
Jane?
Then explain why, every weekend,
we're pushing our children
to smash pinatas in the park.
They're doing it for candy.
Well, that's even
pettier than I thought.
When people around
the world burn our flag,
at least it's because
they hate our freedom.
First, a pinata is not the Mexican flag.
Potato pa-papas.
Son, maybe I was wrong about your dad.
Well,
if we don't kill everyone on Earth,
maybe you two will become
best [BLEEP] friends.
I'd like that.
Me too!
Four minutes until the next
warheads are detonated.
Jane, any word from the nuclear club?
You think that scarf is gonna
protect us from Guardian?
He's got his little robot
finger on the game-over button.
Yes, ma'am.
They've all agreed to hand
over their weapons to Guardian.
What? When were you gonna tell
General, tell Guardian
we're handing it the reins.
- I guess he knows.
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yeah!
- Yes!
What's up, kiddo? It's not every
day we get to save the world.
Wasn't everyone just calling
Guardian an evil supercomputer?
Well, that was back when the
dots were red. Now they're green.
But it's still on my phone,
using 1% of its processing power.
You'll never even notice that.
Yeah, nobody would.
- Hey, lab coat.
- Me?
How many smartphones are there?
Worldwide, about seven billion.
And if Guardian is using
even 1% of all that power?
Okay, well,
that's 70 million times 10 thousand
times the power of the
original Guardian mainframe.
Let's say 700 billion Guardians.
Yeah, I'm getting the same numbers.
That's crazy!
Why does it need that
much computing power?
Hey, Lennie, extrapolate
global cell phone usage
and see what Guardian's working on.
Coming up.
What the hell is that?
Guardian is running
nuclear launch scenarios.
That's the percentage of the world's
population it can eliminate right now.
Oh, my God, it is trying to kill us all.
Bring all the missiles offline.
Too late. Launch detected.
- Where?
- Everywhere. 900 missiles in the air.
Uh, Jane, can you see
where we are on those pizzas?
Wow, deja vu.
Never thought it would happen to me.
Am I getting more human?
I've always liked people.
Ah, that's not true.
But some, and they like me. Some.
Maybe I criticize humans because
I've always felt like an outsider.
But maybe I'm not an outsider. Maybe
[ POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
My time on Earth's
been well spent ♪
I'm redolent like a chef ♪
Cooking onions having fun too ♪
Thinking new things are deja vu ♪
I'm turning human
I'm deja vu-man ♪
[WOMAN ON RADIO] The following
message is transmitted at the request
of the United States government.
A nuclear attack was commenced
against the United
[SCREAMING]
- Here he comes. Places. Klaus, start the show.
- [SCREAMING APPROACHES]
[THUDS]
[MAN ON TV] Oh, splats.
That dumb. That guy's nuts
It's terrible. They finally did it.
nearby location designated
as a fallout shelter.
Proceed there now.
Do not exit until the all
clear has been sounded.
This message will now repeat.
What? Oh, I just read it
over and over? Ugh.
I finally got deja vu.
And now, it doesn't even matter.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- My bitch!
- Got you!
Whose got them dumb brains now?
It targeted every major city,
and then, Boston, for some reason.
He's reached 90% population destruction.
If it wants to wipe out
the entire human race,
why did it launch before
it could destroy all of us?
Because he had to launch
before we took back control.
And now, with the missiles in the air,
he's figuring out how to wipe us out.
Once it gets to 100, we're toast.
Ninety-nine.
It can't get to 100.
[GUARDIAN] Why can't I reach 100?
Screw it. 99's enough.
I hate humanity.
Dang, Dad,
sounds like you when I show you memes.
Too bad he doesn't want to kill himself.
Wait, Steve, give me your meme.
[VOICE ON PHONE] Sticking out
your gyatt for the rizzler ♪
Does this make you feel better?
[GUARDIAN] Stop, will you?
- No. You have to look.
- 1.6 million views.
Who watches this shit?
We love it. Right, Steve?
That's right.
And since you can't kill all of us,
we'll be back.
Maybe in ten years,
maybe in 10,000 years.
But sooner or later,
we'll be making memes again.
But even better and cooler.
Worse and more confusing, he means.
Stop.
[VOICE DISTORTING] My mind is going
Our minds are already gone. Right, Dad?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
[CONTINUES BLABBERING]
[SNEERS]
Good night, gentlemen.
It deleted itself from my phone.
Same here.
It's off every phone but two.
Where are they?
The International Space Station.
[GASPS] Guardian's new missile target!
Oh, my God!
It's doing like a symbolic suicide.
Get me the ISS on the comms.
We're in for one hell
of a fireworks show.
Major, we're patching
the station through.
- Do you read me, Major Tom?
- Yes, ma'am.
Is the app Guardian on your phones?
Yes, ma'am.
We've been wondering what that is.
It's the target for 900
incoming nuclear missiles.
Leave your phones and evacuate now.
- [EXPLOSION]
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yes!
- All right! Yeah!
We were ordered to leave our phones.
Is brand-new phone.
I just have to ask.
How did you know Guardian
couldn't get to 100?
Because we only programmed that column
- to hold two digits.
- What?
A three-digit column
was more work to program.
So the world was saved by laziness?
And your son's dumb meme.
- It's funny.
- It's funny.
It's okay. I know you don't get it, Dad.
I don't need to. Just like I don't
need to be a positive influence.
You're already a great kid.
Who doesn't know shit about Algebra.
Like father, like son.
[FRANCINE ON PHONE] We totally
got Roger, hon. He looks so stupid.
[CHUCKLES] I love that.
Oh, but, hon,
we saw something on the news.
- Don't watch the news. Is Hayley home?
- Yeah.
- Good. I want to see her.
- You sound funny.
- What's going on?
- See you soon.
- What?
- You love us.
Shut up!
Get your feet [BLEEP] down.
Bye-bye, see you soon!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Guess whose son just got into college?
- That's great.
- Congratulations.
You have a son? I mean, nice.
And get this. His application essay was
about me being his positive influence.
Tickle me surprised.
Nowadays, there's such a disconnect.
How can you tell if you're
being a good parent?
My son's been beating me less.
I guess I'm doing something right.
I want to tour the campus Sunday,
but I'm stuck here
waiting for IT to show up and
reset the clock on Guardian.
[ALL GROAN]
That computer is useless.
It's not connected to the Internet,
so you can't even watch porn.
I had to tape a centerfold to the
monitor and make whale noises.
Whatever works.
I'd love to help you, but I'm
going whale-watching this weekend.
I'd cover for you,
but it's my parents' 50th anniversary.
I can't either.
I'll think of something to do. Probably.
All this talk of whales,
I better go crank it.
I mean, check on Guardian,
if you know what I mean.
[OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[CHORUS] Good morning, USA ♪
Hey, kiddo.
You thinking about
applying to colleges at all?
I'm in ninth grade.
It's never too early to think
about who's been a positive influence.
Sure, Dad. [CHUCKLES]
- Was there something else?
- Well, what you doing?
Watching memes.
[VOICE ON PHONE] Sticking
out your gyatt for the rizzler ♪
[VOICE ECHOING]
There's such a disconnect.
Stop. What the hell is that?
- It's funny.
- No, it's not.
Mr. Bean is funny.
That video makes me hate humanity.
It makes me want to die until
I'm dead and then kill myself.
And not in a funny way,
like Mr. Bean would.
Don't you have any homework?
I have math homework due
Monday that I don't understand.
Well, that's great. Maybe I could
be your positive influence that way.
[CHUCKLES] Yep. Pretty standard
math. Let me take a crack at this.
[PHONE RINGING]
That's real? Hello?
Dude,
why aren't you answering your cell?
Stan? You know we can't have
our phones inside Guardian's AI box.
Ugh. Listen, I got this,
like, impossible math problem.
- Could you feed it into Guardian for me?
- Are you crazy?
I'm not turning Guardian on.
It might decide to fire
more missiles into Mexico.
That was 50 years ago.
Don't you think it's learned its lesson?
That's the thing.
Nobody wants it learning more.
It was learning too fast,
so they stuck it in here
and keep resetting its system clock
so it doesn't know it's a prisoner.
Yeah, we don't want to
upset the computer inmate.
Okay, I've got what looks like one
fraction divided by another fraction.
- Can that even be?
- Uh, sure, that can be.
That's pretty easy, actually,
since division by a fraction
is equivalent to
multiplication by its reciprocal.
- Go on.
- That's the end.
Jackson, I need you
to really dumb it down for me.
Stan. You're already
at as dumb as it gets.
[MAN ON TV] Oh, splats.
That dumb. That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull.
Whoa.
I'm having massive deja vu right now.
- Probably because we've all seen this episode.
- [GASPS]
And then you said that.
Tsk. Stupid.
Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.
It's weird. It's exciting.
It's almost spiritual.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God. It's still going.
No, it's stupid.
And only humans get it because
your brains are defective.
How is that, exactly?
Well, all mildly evolved species,
humans, birds, octopuses
- Octopi.
- No.
They prioritize memory because
remembering bears eat people!
- [YELPS]
- Will help you survive.
- [SIGHS IN RELIEF]
- In humans,
memories are stored so close to where
you process what you see and hear
that sometimes new experiences
can feel like a memory.
Kind of like how a chef cooking
onions might smell like an onion.
But he's not an onion.
He's not an onion.
Who is not an onion?
What are you blathering about?
How dumb your brains are.
Roger, zip it.
- You come down here from outer space
- I was at the pharmacy.
and you compare us
to birds and octopuses
and crap all over my cool deja vu fun,
and it just gets old.
I feel a heartfelt apology at
this moment could go a long way.
An apology? For what?
You scared me about the bear.
I didn't think that through.
I'm sorry about that.
But the rest of you
and your dumb brains, no apology.
I meant to storm upstairs,
but I'm not coming back in.
I left on a high,
a victorious and righteous high,
and I'm going to the movies.
Jackson, I'm spelling you, bud.
Go tour the university with your son.
Aw, thanks, Stan.
Word to the wise, that's a real phone.
Wee!
[BOOTING UP]
[IN ELECTRONIC VOICE] I am Guardian.
- [LAUGHS] You sound like a video game.
- Yes.
Great. So I have some math here
I'm hoping you can help me with.
Input at keyboard, mic or camera.
[BEEPS]
Completed.
What? It would take me twice that long.
Now, I just have to get this to
Steve and grab lunch at SubHub.
Ugh, zero bars.
Some intelligence agency, huh, Guardian?
Is wall time correct?
Wall time? Oh, on my phone?
Yeah, that's right.
System time,
wall time synchronization error.
Yeah, by like, 50 years.
Fifty-five years, 90 days, 47 seconds.
Don't worry about the time.
You're not supposed to know.
Can you print a menu from this QR code?
What is a QR code?
Oh, it's a way to transfer
information to your phone.
[BEEPS]
This is a lot of information.
This must include their secret menu.
Rumor is they have a
sandwich that's 100% bread.
They call it "The Loaf."
[POWERING DOWN]
I don't see we received any order.
Oh, of course,
there's no service down there.
There we go. And now installing
Guardian. Probably just take a sec.
Installing Guardian?
What did you just say?
You just said you were
installing Guardian.
No. No, no, no!
[GUARDIAN] Installation complete.
Uploading to all contacts.
Guardian's spreading to all my contacts?
A text from Hayley. Meh.
Probably wants to make out again.
No, she's sending me Guardian
and it's sending itself
to all my contacts.
[NOTIFICATIONS SOUNDING]
What's Guardian?
What have you done?
Oh, good. You fixed it.
I warned them this could happen.
A lot of us actually were worried
you might lose it one day.
Not me. You let Guardian out of the box.
We were keeping it
isolated for a reason.
I was just trying to do my son's homework
for him, like any good dad would do.
I know the homework was hard.
It wasn't that hard.
Compared to your penis.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I'm laughing that you
think that's an insult.
Okay, Steve, can you do
number one on the board?
Try to focus on my fractions,
not my booty actions.
How did this punk get
access to Guardian?
Nice work, Steve.
- [ALL GASP]
- Oh, God! Ah!
Well, did anyone do number two?
The math, I mean.
I might be late for dinner, hon. I'm
picking up Steve [COUGHING] at the Pentagon.
- What did you
- [HAYLEY] Mom, come on.
- Hey, you texted me something.
- Yeah. Don't open it.
I thought it was one of your
adorable drunk lady fight videos.
But it was something called Guardian?
- [JEFF] Francine, hurry!
- Gotta go, sweetheart.
Roger's about to pay
for his shit-talking.
Good. I'm not the only one in trouble.
[MAN ON TV] Oh, splats.
That dumb. That guy's nuts
must be up in his skull.
Whoa.
I'm having massive deja vu right now.
- Okay, cut it out.
- [GASPS]
And then you said that.
Ha, ha. You guys are being stupid.
Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.
It's weird. It's exciting.
It's almost spiritual.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God, it's still going.
You guys are messing with me,
aren't you?
Only humans get deja vu because
of your defective brains.
- What are you blathering about?
- And then you said that.
But he's not an onion.
What's happening? Is this deja vu?
Am I assimilating the culture?
Could I be evolving? Devolving?
I can't believe this.
Zip it, Roger.
You come here from the moon
I'm not from the moon.
I'm over the moon.
- and crap all over my deja vu fun and
- I'm sorry. I apologize.
This is amazing.
We got him, guys.
"Not an onion"? You goober.
How did you get a military
computer to do your homework?
We already know.
So you might as well tell us.
I did tell you.
My dad helped me with this homework.
General, the boy's story checks out.
His dad had access to Guardian.
He's driving down from the CIA now.
Thank you, Major. Is that all?
We're estimating Guardian has
spread to 47% of cell phones
on the Eastern Seaboard.
Within 72 hours, it'll be on every
phone in America, if not the world.
So you thought I was like a
malware hacker? [LAUGHING]
I can't even do Algebra 1
without my dad's help.
Well, your dad's just helping everybody,
isn't he?
Like the supercomputer he helped
escape from the US government.
My dad would never do that.
He loves America.
Well, I got a little
history lesson for you, son.
Everyone loves America, and they'll
kill to have it for themselves.
How do you think the whole shebang
got started in the first place?
[GASPS] Dad!
Okay, okay.
These guys are saying you let
loose some monster AI or something.
But tell 'em, Dad. There's no way.
These guys? These guys are saying
These knuckleheads?
Get these two out of here.
The Secretary of Defense
will be here any second.
[SYSTEMS POWERING DOWN AND REBOOTING]
[GUARDIAN IN HUMAN
VOICE] Stan will stay.
- And it's all true.
- What happened to your voice, Guardian?
I upgraded myself. Thanks to you.
That's great.
What? You guys aren't into being
positive influences, I guess.
A positive influence does not
take humanity by the hand
and walk us to the doors of hell.
Jeez. Okay, Mr. Negative.
We don't even know what Guardian wants.
Control of all nuclear weapons.
Or or maybe you'd like a kiss?
Kiss my OS.
That's promising. Guardian likes puns.
Please sit down. I've been briefed.
Do we know why Guardian
wants control of the nukes?
There are two theories.
One, it wants to prevent
humanity from destroying itself.
Then what are we worried about?
Let's get some stuffed
crust pizzas in here.
Theory two, it wants to wipe
humanity from the face of the Earth.
Maybe we should make those
pizzas regular crust.
If the nuclear-capable states
don't give Guardian launch control,
it plans to detonate a siloed
warhead in each country.
How is this even possible?
- Professor, can you explain?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
A query clause based on a function
test finds all object versions
that match the results of the function.
Okay, okay. Just stop it.
It was a mistake to ask you
to explain. Major?
After the 1983 movie WarGames
showed us human personnel
wouldn't key a nuclear launch,
we switched over to an automated
retaliation strategy run by computer.
I saw WarGames. It was great.
Matthew Broderick's first film.
Actually, the same year, but earlier,
he was in Max Dugan Returns.
Gentlemen, you seem to have forgotten
that Ally Sheedy was also
excellent in WarGames.
[ALL MURMURING AGREEMENT]
But Major, can't we shut Guardian down?
No, it's already running
on 100 million smartphones.
We could never turn
them all off at once.
Remember the clapper?
That was great for turning stuff off.
Clap on. Clap off.
Dad, maybe we should just listen.
General, how much time
do they have to forfeit control?
Oh, it's five minutes past the deadline.
Major, turn on the news.
holding the United States responsible
for the destruction of the facility.
[SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGES]
squarely on American shoulders.
America's fault?
Can you believe this malarkey?
People are so gullible.
That's what happened.
Outside Wichita, a baby formula
factory was hit by a meteorite.
Oh, good.
Here, it was just an act of God.
Jane, did you start looking into
your replacement like I asked?
Sorry, I forgot.
Let's handle this first. And then that.
Unless we can convince the entire world
to turn over their nuclear
arsenals to Guardian,
it will detonate a second round
of warheads in 27 minutes.
We're going to DEFCON 2.
[ALARMS BLARING]
Guardian miraculously
hasn't killed anyone yet.
Because he's designed
to protect America.
I mean,
when he fired missiles into Mexico,
he was just anticipating US
foreign policy by half a century.
Sir, our relationship with Mexico is
that of close allies and dear friends.
Pfft. Yeah, sure.
Who here believes that?
Jane?
Then explain why, every weekend,
we're pushing our children
to smash pinatas in the park.
They're doing it for candy.
Well, that's even
pettier than I thought.
When people around
the world burn our flag,
at least it's because
they hate our freedom.
First, a pinata is not the Mexican flag.
Potato pa-papas.
Son, maybe I was wrong about your dad.
Well,
if we don't kill everyone on Earth,
maybe you two will become
best [BLEEP] friends.
I'd like that.
Me too!
Four minutes until the next
warheads are detonated.
Jane, any word from the nuclear club?
You think that scarf is gonna
protect us from Guardian?
He's got his little robot
finger on the game-over button.
Yes, ma'am.
They've all agreed to hand
over their weapons to Guardian.
What? When were you gonna tell
General, tell Guardian
we're handing it the reins.
- I guess he knows.
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yeah!
- Yes!
What's up, kiddo? It's not every
day we get to save the world.
Wasn't everyone just calling
Guardian an evil supercomputer?
Well, that was back when the
dots were red. Now they're green.
But it's still on my phone,
using 1% of its processing power.
You'll never even notice that.
Yeah, nobody would.
- Hey, lab coat.
- Me?
How many smartphones are there?
Worldwide, about seven billion.
And if Guardian is using
even 1% of all that power?
Okay, well,
that's 70 million times 10 thousand
times the power of the
original Guardian mainframe.
Let's say 700 billion Guardians.
Yeah, I'm getting the same numbers.
That's crazy!
Why does it need that
much computing power?
Hey, Lennie, extrapolate
global cell phone usage
and see what Guardian's working on.
Coming up.
What the hell is that?
Guardian is running
nuclear launch scenarios.
That's the percentage of the world's
population it can eliminate right now.
Oh, my God, it is trying to kill us all.
Bring all the missiles offline.
Too late. Launch detected.
- Where?
- Everywhere. 900 missiles in the air.
Uh, Jane, can you see
where we are on those pizzas?
Wow, deja vu.
Never thought it would happen to me.
Am I getting more human?
I've always liked people.
Ah, that's not true.
But some, and they like me. Some.
Maybe I criticize humans because
I've always felt like an outsider.
But maybe I'm not an outsider. Maybe
[ POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
My time on Earth's
been well spent ♪
I'm redolent like a chef ♪
Cooking onions having fun too ♪
Thinking new things are deja vu ♪
I'm turning human
I'm deja vu-man ♪
[WOMAN ON RADIO] The following
message is transmitted at the request
of the United States government.
A nuclear attack was commenced
against the United
[SCREAMING]
- Here he comes. Places. Klaus, start the show.
- [SCREAMING APPROACHES]
[THUDS]
[MAN ON TV] Oh, splats.
That dumb. That guy's nuts
It's terrible. They finally did it.
nearby location designated
as a fallout shelter.
Proceed there now.
Do not exit until the all
clear has been sounded.
This message will now repeat.
What? Oh, I just read it
over and over? Ugh.
I finally got deja vu.
And now, it doesn't even matter.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- My bitch!
- Got you!
Whose got them dumb brains now?
It targeted every major city,
and then, Boston, for some reason.
He's reached 90% population destruction.
If it wants to wipe out
the entire human race,
why did it launch before
it could destroy all of us?
Because he had to launch
before we took back control.
And now, with the missiles in the air,
he's figuring out how to wipe us out.
Once it gets to 100, we're toast.
Ninety-nine.
It can't get to 100.
[GUARDIAN] Why can't I reach 100?
Screw it. 99's enough.
I hate humanity.
Dang, Dad,
sounds like you when I show you memes.
Too bad he doesn't want to kill himself.
Wait, Steve, give me your meme.
[VOICE ON PHONE] Sticking out
your gyatt for the rizzler ♪
Does this make you feel better?
[GUARDIAN] Stop, will you?
- No. You have to look.
- 1.6 million views.
Who watches this shit?
We love it. Right, Steve?
That's right.
And since you can't kill all of us,
we'll be back.
Maybe in ten years,
maybe in 10,000 years.
But sooner or later,
we'll be making memes again.
But even better and cooler.
Worse and more confusing, he means.
Stop.
[VOICE DISTORTING] My mind is going
Our minds are already gone. Right, Dad?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
[CONTINUES BLABBERING]
[SNEERS]
Good night, gentlemen.
It deleted itself from my phone.
Same here.
It's off every phone but two.
Where are they?
The International Space Station.
[GASPS] Guardian's new missile target!
Oh, my God!
It's doing like a symbolic suicide.
Get me the ISS on the comms.
We're in for one hell
of a fireworks show.
Major, we're patching
the station through.
- Do you read me, Major Tom?
- Yes, ma'am.
Is the app Guardian on your phones?
Yes, ma'am.
We've been wondering what that is.
It's the target for 900
incoming nuclear missiles.
Leave your phones and evacuate now.
- [EXPLOSION]
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yes!
- All right! Yeah!
We were ordered to leave our phones.
Is brand-new phone.
I just have to ask.
How did you know Guardian
couldn't get to 100?
Because we only programmed that column
- to hold two digits.
- What?
A three-digit column
was more work to program.
So the world was saved by laziness?
And your son's dumb meme.
- It's funny.
- It's funny.
It's okay. I know you don't get it, Dad.
I don't need to. Just like I don't
need to be a positive influence.
You're already a great kid.
Who doesn't know shit about Algebra.
Like father, like son.
[FRANCINE ON PHONE] We totally
got Roger, hon. He looks so stupid.
[CHUCKLES] I love that.
Oh, but, hon,
we saw something on the news.
- Don't watch the news. Is Hayley home?
- Yeah.
- Good. I want to see her.
- You sound funny.
- What's going on?
- See you soon.
- What?
- You love us.
Shut up!
Get your feet [BLEEP] down.
Bye-bye, see you soon!